Pony in My Panties (and other crackfics featuring Vinyl and Octavia)

by DeusExIgnis

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Human, Comedy, Romance
Length: 5319

A group of crackfics happening in the same universe.

Crackfic(s). You have been warned.

EDIT: I'm changing this into a repository for any crackfics I want to make featuring Humanized!Vinyl/Humanized!Octavia.

Pony in my Panties (Or, Octopussy):
Bon-Bon is going to the Canterlot Bake-Off, and Lyra is coming with her! Unfortunately, Lyra's sea pony clone (affectionately called "Little Lyra") can't come, and no one is willing to ponysit except Lyra's old college rival's girlfriend, Vinyl Scratch! And since she's living with Octavia, this can't end well…

Good Vibrations:
After returning from the moon, Luna is appalled at the rampant crime in Canterlot. From smugglers to drug dealers, the seedy underworld rules the streets, and Luna finds the royal guard is now for nothing more than decoration and cannon fodder. After remembering Celestia's complaints of hearing loss after attending one of Vinyl's raves (Luna insisted), she decides to commission a sound based deterrent system from the Princess of the Pulse herself…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-08 02:10:43 UTC

Or, Octopussy (Extended!)

Lyra pounded at the door to Octavia's house with her foot. While Octavia would probably be mad at her for getting the white door dirty, Lyra didn't really care that much about what happened to her rival.

"Come on, come on, my arms are turning to jelly here!"

"Why not just set the bowl down?" Bonbon suggested.

"Because I don't want to give Octavia a chance to 'accidentally' knock it over."

"Oh, come now, sweetie, Octavia wouldn't do that!"

"You'd be surprised at what she did to me in college then."

The door opened and a head with tinted sunglasses and electric blue hair popped out. "Hey Lyra. What 're you doing here?"

"Hey, Vinyl. I needed someone to take care of Little Lyra while Bonbon and I go to the Canterlot Bakeoff. We tried everyone else, but they were either too busy or out of town for the day." Lyra explained. "So could you pleeease take her? It'd only be for two days, tops." she begged as she employed her best puppy dog eyes.

"...Yeah, okay. Does she need any special food?"

"It's in the box Bonbon is holding."

"Alright, just set it down anywhere, we'll take care of it."

Octavia flopped down onto the inviting covers of her bed. After an overly long gig at  La Princesse Cuisine (Why did they have to have music until 11 o' clock!?), she had nearly been sleeping on her feet. Pulling the covers back over to her side of the bed (which elicited a groan and a mumble from Vinyl), she almost went to sleep immediately. Unfortunately, a small "ee?" shocked her into a fully alert state. Turning towards the sound, she saw a small, mint-green sea pony hanging off the side of the open air tank, staring curiously at Octavia.

"VINYL!"

"Oh, Celestia, not so loud, Octy! I'm trying to sleep!"

"You can sleep AFTER you explain what 'Little Lyra' is doing in my house!"

"In th' mornin'," Vinyl mumbled. Octavia, while very frustrated with her fiancée, was also amazed at how quickly she could fall asleep after an interruption.

"No, not in the morning. NOW."

"Fine. Lyra and Bonbon went to the bakeoff and they needed someone to keep her safe. She'll be here for two days, tops. Besides, who knows? Maybe she'll be fun, and in any case OctoOcty was looking lonely."

"...Point. But I still don't like her..."

"Come on, she looks so cute! Why do you have to taint her adorableness with your preconcieved notions about her personality, Octy?" Vinyl asked between mouthfuls of pancakes.

"Wow, Vinyl, that's quite a mouthful." Octavia replied.

"What, the pancakes?"

"No, the words."

Vinyl smirked. "When you spend most of your time with a snobby cello player, they rub off on- Hey! You were just derailing me, weren't you!?"

"Mayyyybe..."

"You were! You totally were! Now answer the question!"

"Can you blame me? Her donor was my greatest rival in college, and she still is."

"That's not an excuse, and you know it. OctoOcty gets along with her just fine, so why don't you?"

"Ugh, for the last time! She is not 'OctoOcty', her name is Violoncello."

"Too much of a mouthful. Besides, OctoOcty is alliterative."

"Vinyl, it's just 'vio-len-chel-lo'. How is that a mouthful? It rolls of the tongue, it sound beautiful, and it's only four damn syllables."

"That's three syllables too many."

"But OctoOcty has four too!"

"It gets a free pass for being alliterative. Plus, I can spell OctoOcty, unlike 'Violoncello'."

"ARGH! Vinyl, you are impossible!" Octavia slammed her utensils onto the table and stormed off to get ready to go to her ensemble's practice.

Vinyl took Little Lyra aside.

"Don't worry, I'll get her to come around."

"ah?"

"Alright, Vinyl, I'm home! This surprise of yours had better be good! I'll have yoMPHH"

Vinyl released Octavia from the kiss. "Oh don't worry, it'll be VERY good." She clicked the remote to her stereo, and something not unlike seventies porn music sounded out, if said music were to have been electonica with a deep, romatic cello backing it up.

As Octavia moved in closer, a small 'ee...'made itself known from a point near Vinyl's crotch. Octavia could only look in a mix of horror, disgust, and oddly, arousal as the grey head of Violoncello (with a pirate hat and an eyepatch for some reason) popped out of Vinyl's panties.

"Wow, Octy, guess you really like my panties!" Vinyl quipped.

"..." Octavia fired back.

"Yeah, it seems gross, but when you think about it, it's pretty much the same thing as when we scissor. Here, try it!"

And with that, Vinyl stuffed Little Lyra (in a ninja costume no less) down her panties.

The feeling was quite strange, but very pleasing. However, Octavia could never let Vinyl know that she liked it. It would be the perfect blackmail to let Vinyl get anything she wanted.

"V-Vinyl, get hER out this instant!"

"I guess she's just too wet to handle for you, eh Octy?" Vinyl replied, easily seeing through Octavia's attempts to disguise her pleasure.

Unbeknownst too the both of them, Little Lyra and Violoncello were preparing to do battle, both jealous of the other for stealing what they considered "theirs".

SCHING!

SCHLINK!

And as cutlery made up as miniature swords were drawn, two screams woke everyone up within a hundred yard radius.

The wind blew through the room, cold as ice and just as uncaring. She knew this kind of chill; when she was trained in deep sea combat she had to endure temperatures around this level. Oh how she wished she was back in training, when life was predictable...

At least it would be warmer than this shitty weather.

Turning her thoughts to more pressing matters, she stared down her foe. A sai was in the sea foam green sea pony's mouth, pointed at Violoncello's eye. She responded in kind, bringing her cutlass to bear. Intentionally getting it trapped in the prongs, she tried to get Little Lyra's weapon out of her mouth, to no avail. 'Thrice-damned harlot,' she yelled at the ninja, 'you dare try to seduce my friend? You don't deserve that perch, much less a place in this house!'

'At least I don't look like a screwed up science experiment, you tentacled whore!'

'Oh, it is on!'

The clash of steel on steel rang throughout the battleground...

“OH SWEET CELESTIA WHAT DO WE DO OCTY WHAT DO WE DO!?”

“DAMMIT VINYL, THOSE WERE GIFTS FROM THE PRINCESS HERSELF!”

“IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOU DIDN'T PUT THEM AWA-” Vinyl stopped, the last part of Octavia's outburst finally connecting with her brain.

“Wait. The Princess Celestia gave you utensils that look like swords.”

“No, Princess Luna did, but that's beside the poi-”

“No way! That is so metal. Can you hook me up with some?”

“Vinyl, right now we're paying witness to a sword fight between a sea pony and a genetically modified octopus, and the thing you're most concerned about is utensils?”

“Why shouldn’t it be?”

“Because there is currently a sword fight in progress, in case you didn’t notice. Wait! That’s it! All that noise you call ‘music’ has finally given you hearing problems! It explains everything!”

“Hey! My music may be noise to your ears, prune-face, but at least it has soul!”

Octavia sighed. “You’re right, Vinyl. Your music has soul. And by ‘soul’ I mean ‘nothing but high quality samples of the shrieks of the damned getting their faces ripped off by Cerberus. And I am not a prune-face!”

“Really? ‘Cause right now you look like one. Oh, wait! That’s how you look all the time!”

Octavia swiped the sai out of Little Lyra’s mouth and pointed it at Vinyl. “Enough! You dare insult me? Then you will know what true pain is!”

Vinyl, in response, swiped the cutlass out of Violonchello’s tentacle, earning a surprisingly vicious glare from the octopus. “Come at me bro!”, she taunted.

“Now you shall know the fury of a Celestial Paladin!” Octavia shouted, eyes bloodshot and arms in a fighting stance.

“For the glory of the God Empress!” Vinyl shouted back with a smile.

All the while, Sgt. Jacob Keystone and Commander Scott Yard stood at the door to the house Octavia and Vinyl were soon to be not occupying. “I told you so!”, Jacob exclaimed in a hushed tone, “I knew they weren’t just musicians! Who ever heard of a DJ and a cellist moving in with each other? Bloody impossible, if you ask me! I mean, the las-“

“Let’s try to keep the element of surprise, Jake.”, Scott whispered while covering the man’s mouth. Moving up to the door, he pulled out his short sword and prepared to kick the door down.

“Police! Open up!” A voice cut through the clangs like a hot knife through butter. Octavia and Vinyl looked at each other, then to the miniature weapons, then clamored to make it look like they were  doing some kinky roleplay. Unfortunately, the officer on the other side of the door wasn’t willing to be patient, and kicked the door open.

The awkwardness that followed would later be legendary in its terribleness. Vinyl was able to squeak out a pathetic “It’s… not what it looks like?” to the policeman.

Scott Yard, with a face so impassive it would make the average royal guard seem like Pinkie Pie,  walked out of the house, pulled out his whiskey flask, poured out the whole thing, and made his way back to the station. He would later submit himself for a psychiatric exam, claiming “Hallucinations of women in lingerie, wielding weapon-like cutlery, with angry sea life in their panties.”, and be honorably discharged because of ‘Mental and emotional trauma severe enough to cause auditory and visual hallucinations.’

DAYS LATER

Bonbon sighed. "I was so sure I was going to win too!"

Lyra kissed her wife on the cheek. "At least you get the... consolation prize, hmm? Oh, hey Little Lyra, what do you want?"

As Lyra picked up her sea pony twin, Little Lyra stretched open her donor's panties and wiggled out of her bigger twin's grasp, right into them.

FIN

A/N: Yes! My first story is now online! If you see any errors, have any suggestions for a sequel, or want to join me on my trip to pony hell, comment below!

This story was based off of John Joseco's "Panty Battle", which is the cover art for this story.

Good Vibrations Pt. 1

Good Vibrations, Part 1

"Come on, sister, it's time for you to go back to bed."

"SORRY, WHAT WAS THAmfffh!"

"Shush! It's three in the morning, you'll disturb the peace!"

"STILL CAmffh"

"Just forget I said anything and follow me..." Luna sighed. After a night out on the town, Celestia was drunk, half deaf, and would most likely yell at her sister in the morning for letting her lose her inhibitions so easily. Luna snorted. 'It's not like I was the reason why she ground against the bartender. Hmm... maybe the tabloids were on to something... I'll have to ask Twilight about that next time I'm in Ponyville.' A slight breeze made her cloak billow, and if one was watching, they would have seen a little black dress fit for a princess (it was the only thing she had). While their disguises were holding up pretty well, their ethereal hair was starting to fall out from the wigs they were using, and Luna feared that if the wind blew a bit harder, they would be revealed. Oh, how the tabloids and gossip magazines would have a field day. Luna could see it all over the front page: "PLASTERED PRINCESS: CELESTIA  QUICKLY CONSUMES COLOSSAL COCKTAILS".

Oh, she was so screwed.

"Hey, lady, wanna buy some 'happy pills'?" a voice whispered from the dark.

Luna quickly turned towards the voice "And what, pray tell, are 'happy pills'?"

"Wait a second, I've heard that voice befo... Shit!" The drug dealer quickly ran off. Obviously, the voice change spell was wearing off, Luna mused, before releasing the Royal Canterlot Voice full blast. "GUARDS! SEIZE HIM! YOUR PRINCESS COMMANDS IT!"

After five minutes, the guards were nowhere to be found. Luna was starting to seriously contemplate leaving her intoxicated sister while she chased down the rotten scoundrel, but quickly decided against it when she saw Celestia had passed out on the street.

Sighing, Luna picked up her older sister and slowly made her way back to the castle...

"Sister... wake up..." Luna whispered.

"Lunaaaa! What did I say about Royal Canterlot Voice in my bedroom!?" Celestia half yelled, half whispered back.

"Sister, if I was using the Voice, you would be deaf now. Now, get up. Hangovers aren't any excuse for missing Court, now are they?"

"I don't wanna. Go away."

"Cm'on, Tia, up! What will the citizens think of you if you continue this?"

"What will the crimes against humanity tribunal think about you if you continue this?"

"They'll forgive me. Now, either get up or lose the sheets, your choice."

"You wouldn't dare."

"Oh, but I would."

"...Fine. You're still an ass, though. Know any spells for getting rid of hangovers?"

"I would have cast one for you, but you called me an ass."

"Because you are. I can't think of anyone else who has to deal with someone getting them up at..." Celestia squinted at the clock "6:00 A.M., even though they have a hangover and were still awake in the very early morning."

"Maybe it's because you've been locked up in this castle chatting with snooty nobles who wouldn't know good music if it bit them in the ass. But seriously, Tia, you do need to get out more."

"Why do you think I sent Twilight to Ponyville, hmm?"

"No, I mean physically go out of the castle."

"I've tried for years to get some form of relaxation time, but people whine about crises that turn out to be simple legal matters between two nobles that could have been settled in court, and once I've come back they declare my vacation over."

Luna facepalmed. "You're the Crown Princess, Tia! Just tell them to fuck off! From what I've seen, the nobility needs to be reminded of who the rulers of this country are, so don't take this... insolence lying down!"

"Much as I'd love too, it would strain relations to the breaking point, and I don't think Equestria would be able to withstand that kind of instability."

A knock at the door halted the argument. "Your Highness? It's time to get up, you're fifteen minutes late for sunrise."

"We'll talk later, okay Tia?"

"Okay. Now get out, I still need to get dressed." Celestia flashed a quick smile to Luna as she left the room.

"Ah, Captain Armor! How's Twilight doing? I haven't seen her in ages!" Luna asked.

"Actually, your highness, I'm not sure. I think I remember her talking about 'visiting new planes', though."

"...Aren't you a little worried for her safety? I mean, interplanar trav-" Luna rapidly blinked, her mind finally processing what 'visiting new planes' implied. "...Captain? If I may be so bold as to ask HOW IN TARTARUS DOES YOUR SISTER KNOW ABOUT INTERPLANAR TRAVEL!?"

Shaking off the effects of a near Royal Canterlot Voice from three feet away, Shining Armor quickly responded.

"..."

"I'm waiting, Captain..."

"I-I'm not sure, your Highness, but I think she was talking about how she 'figured out where Starswirl went when he vanished'. That was a few days ago, but we only see each other once a week, now. I guess I dismissed it as rambling."

"...Captain, you seem unusually calm. How, exactly, are you doing this?"

"Royal Guard training, your Highness. I'm assuming that once I'm off the clock I'll be in a full blown panic mode."

Luna filed the interplanar travel issue away to deal with later. She saw no point in chancing a panic mode at this instant. "Okay, three things. One, you're part of the royal family now, call me 'Luna', or 'Princess' if that's too informal for you. Two, please try to refrain from casting spells during your panic attack, I don't want to have a repeat of the 'Smartypants' incident. Three, and this is horribly off topic but it's been bugging me all day, what, exactly, are 'happy pills'?"

"Happy pills? How did you learn about those, Princess?"

"A man was trying to sell them to me before he realized he was trying to sell it to one of the Princesses. I assume it's some form of recreational drug?"

"Yes, Princess. 'Happy pills' are a mixture of aphrodisiacs and Ecstasy, very addictive, very nasty."

"One more question, Captain. How come guards didn't come to my aid within five minutes? What if I was under attack?"

"We're understaffed in the slums, which is where I'm assuming you were, because stuff like that is pretty rare in the business district. Frankly, most of the guards can't run full tilt in their assigned armor, the spears we use are cumbersome, and it usually takes ten minutes to respond to any given cry for help. In short, we need better equipment, Princess."

"I'll see what I can do, Captain. Dismissed."

Luna contemplated the best way to fix the equipment problem over dinner.

'Hmm... something like the Royal Canterlot Voice? Nah, within a day the guards would go hoarse for a week.' Glancing around the room, Luna noticed an ad for DJ-P0N3 on the morning paper Celestia was reading.

'Perhaps it could work yet...'

A/N: Vinyl and Octy will be in the next part. Also, there will probably be three parts total to this arc.

Suggestions? Corrections? RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE? Comment!

Good Vibrations Pt. 2

Good Vibrations, Part 2

Celestia's sun shined it's light across Equestria, letting everyone know that a beautiful new day was dawning.

As far as Octavia was concerned, that new day could go and shove it.

Groaning, she moved a hand to alert Vinyl that breakfast was coming (it was the only thing that could wake her up, somedays), only to find nothing was there.

'Oh, right, she had a rave last night. It's, what, six or seven-ish right now? She's probably on the couch, then.'

Tiptoeing down the steps, Octavia craned her neck to check the couch.

Empty.

'She's probably coming home any second now, I should get cooking.'

A knock at the door sounded out.

"Who is it?"

"Princess Luna."

"Ha! Nice try Vinyl, did you use a voice change spell?" Octavia replied as she made her way towards the door. "Anyways, I was just about to make breakfast, what do you wa..." Octavia trailed off as she stared at the Princess of the Night.

"I take it Miss Vinyl Scratch lives here?" Luna asked, a smirk on her face.

"Oh! Ah, uh," Octavia stumbled for a moment, then drew upon her 'fanciness reserves', as Vinyl called them. "Yes, Your Highness, this is her residence. May I ask why you require her presence?" Octavia was panicking on the inside. 'Please don't tell me she got arrested for disturbing the peace again!'

"I have a very special request for her, do you know when she'll get back?"

"Well, to be honest, Your Highness, I'm not sure. Would you like anything for breakfast while you wait?" Octavia only just realized what she said after she said it. 'Octavia, you idiot! She probably ate at the castle! And it was probably dinner! Now you look like a complete idiot in front of one of the diarchs of Equestria! You-'

Octaiva's panicking was interrupted by Luna's dulcet voice. "Yes, do you have any tea?"

"Oh, um, yes, let me go put the water on."

Octavia was surprised at how talkative the Princess was, especially about her dealings with her sister. 'Note to self: do not let Vinyl know about royal prank wars.'

"And so, when she woke up, she was three inches tall! It took the guards hours to break the spell! Oh, you should have heard her, she sounded like she inhaled helium! Of course, I-"

Three sharp knocks ended the Princess's recollection. "Ah, that's probably Vinyl. I'll go get it."

"Octy! What's for breakfast?"

"No time, I'm afraid. I need to talk to you about a... project I need done.", Luna spoke up.

"...Okay, shoot."

"Last night I encountered an... unsavory man trying to sell me drugs. After calling out for the guards, I waited, say, five minutes, and yet, they didn't come. When I asked the Captain of the Guard about this, he told me that the spears and splint mail assigned to the guard were too bulky to allow for any kind of fast response. Now, the reason I was out on the town was to get Celestia back into the social life she had before... my absence. I took her to a club where you were DJing, and afterwards noted that she was unable to hear clearly. After som-"

"Princess, if I may. I just got back from pulling an all-nighter, and I feel like I'm going to fall asleep any moment. If you could get to what you want me to do, and maybe save the explanation for when I'm not about to collapse onto you and cause a nationwide incident the tabloids won't ever let you live down? Thanks."

Octavia was shocked. She had to give credit where credit was due, Vinyl had either cast an invisibility spell on her gigantic, solid plutonium balls, or her breasts were actually said balls, and Vinyl was a giant dick on two legs. In any case, she had interrupted the Faust damned Princess of the Night herself, and she would most likely-

"Hmf!", Luna snorted in a most unbecoming manner, "Alright, I should have known that even the Princess of the Pulse still needs her sleep. I'll cut to the chase. I need a light handheld weapon that uses sound to incapacitate people."

"What." Vinyl deadpanned.

"You heard me. I'll send the exact specifications through the mail. Later!" Luna called out as she walked out the door.

Vinyl walked through the massive gate in front of Canterlot Castle, dragging a massive cloth covered cart behind her. As two guards took the cart from her and moved it towards the crossbow range, Princess Celestia came out of the guardhouse, and flashed Vinyl a smirk.

"So, Miss Scratch, I hear you're working on some new equipment for the guards. Care to tell an old lady what this 'W-U-B Cannon' is all about?"

"Begging your pardon, highness-"

"You can drop the formalities, Miss Scratch. Any friend of an Element Bearer is my friend, too."

"Wait, what? I don't know any 'element bearers', Princess."

"So you aren't a friend of Pinkie Pie?"

Vinyl was stunned silent. Pinkie had never told her about any 'element' she was bearing. "Um... with all due respect, Princess, I'm pretty sure Pinkie isn't... whatever you said."

Celestia snorted. "She may not look like it, but she was one of the six that returned my sister to me. If she finds your company acceptable, I'm pretty sure I will too.", she smiled at Vinyl.

Before Vinyl could reply, Luna stepped out of the keep, carrying with her a roll of parchment and a magic quill. "Ah, Vinyl! Sorry I'm late, just had to get some supplies. Shall we begin the testing?"

Vinyl nodded. "This is just a proof of concept, so don't expect to be blown away just yet."

With a quick motion of her fingers, Vinyl cast a simple ear protection spell on all parties present, then removed the cloth covering the cart. "Ladies and gents, I give you... the Weaponized Unidirectional Bass, or 'Wub', Cannon! By using ultra-low frequencies, the cannon will theoretically cause pain in the ears of whoever it's pointed at, thus disabling them until the weapon is deactivated. For your protection, I've cast the spell I use to protect my hearing when I'm DJing. Now, are we ready?"

Vinyl could faintly make out a "What?" coming from the crowd. She facepalmed, then thought 'to Tartarus with it and started counting down with her fingers.

'3'. Everyone covered their ears (except for Vinyl).

'2'. Celestia tensed up, ready to flee if the contraption exploded.

'1'. Vinyl placed her hand over the button.

'0'. Vinyl pressed it.

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBBBBBBBB

Once the ringing in their ears stopped, everyone looked at the cannon, which was fine.

They looked to the target, which was also fine.

Then they looked at the castle wall. It was not fine.

They looked at the house behind the wall. It was surrounded by rubble and broken beams, which may have at one time resembled a block of houses.

They looked at Vinyl, but she wasn't there.

They looked at the princesses, but neither were they.

If the ear protection spell had been dispelled, they would have heard three voices in the distance yelling "WE'RE SO SCREWED!", "WAIT UP LULU! DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME!", and "HIDE ME PRINCESSES, BEFORE OCTY COMES!"

And if those three weren't yelling their heads off, they would have noticed Octavia, standing in front of the gate to the castle and looking very, very, unamused.

"So, what have we learned today?", Octavia questioned Vinyl.

"Don't put the cannon on full blast.", Vinyl droned .

Octavia turned her glare towards the princess of the night. "Make sure nothing valuable is in the line of fire of a massive sound based weapon system.", Luna groaned.

Finally, Octavia turned towards the princess of the sun. "New weapons should be tested outside city limits.", Celestia moaned.

"Now, up to your rooms. None of you are getting supper tonight." Octavia ordered.

At this, Luna smiled, and stuck her tongue out at her sister.

"Or breakfast.", Octavia amended.

Luna frowned, and followed Vinyl and Celestia up to the guest rooms Octavia had set up for them.

To Be Continued...

A/N: Sorry about the wait. College stuff got in the way. As always, direct questions, corrections, or suggestions to the comments!

Good Vibrations, Pt. 3

The magical land of Equestria. While it was ruled over by the two Royal Sisters, the protection of the land fell to the Day and Night Guards. They had faced dragons, hydras, ursa majors, and more. Equestria's finest was able to fight off any invasion, bar omnipotent level threats. And sometimes even then. Through thousands of years, the brave men and women of the Royal Guard had protected the princess(es) from threat after threat. And they did all of this with only polearms and plate armor.

But today that was about to change.

"LLLUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

The ancient mountain shook, the forgotten monstrosities within the Everfree Forest (and Fluttershy) quaked in fear, and all who heard that cry of hatred (which was everyone within a five mile radius) swore to never, *ever*** make Celestia that angry, lest they be liquefied by the full force of the Royal Canterlot Voice.

All but one, who was quietly giggling at her sister's new... coloration: neon pink (it even glowed!).

The Royal Guard had weathered ancient evils, doppelgangers, and even the lord of chaos himself. But that all paled in comparison to what awaited them that day:

A Royal Prank War.

Shining Armor swore. Discord thanked the elements that he was still a statue. But Pinkie Pie summed up the thoughts of all who had ever heard about that dreaded event in the most succinct way possible:

"We are so fucked."

"Pinkie! Language!"

"Oh, sorry, Mrs. Cake!"

Celestia blew a wisp of ethereal hair like substance out of her face, silently wishing her student was there to help her organize. In front of her was a stack of papers, all detailing the various crises and "crises" that were plaguing citizens and nobles, respectively. If one looked closely at said papers, they would be able to make out barely legible scrawls laconically detailing whatever plight that was outlined on the pages.

"Let's see, do I have anything important to do? 'burn ponyville because ruined gala'; Dammit, Blueblood, I thought I banned you from Day Court. 'zone new biz district'; Ugh, I'll shove it off onto Twilight, maybe say it's 'practice for when you become a royal mage/assistant' or something. And the rest of these look like tax reports, so... on to 'Operation Revenge'!"

Swiping up her phone, the Sun Princess quickly dialed the number for her... 'secret' chef. She would most certainly know how to get back at Luna!

"Hi, this is Pie!"

"Hello, Pinkie, I was wondering if you could help me with a certain... 'problem' I have..."

"Ohhhhh..." Pinkie purred. "I didn't think you were that kind of girl, Princess! It's fifty an hour, and if you want toys it's an extra thirty. Kinky st- Oh, it's just your sister, Loony! Anywa-THUNK-KZSHZZZ"

'Damn. If Luna's using Pinkie that means I can't use her.' Unbidden images of Pinkie in a... compromising position came to the forefront of Celestia's mind. 'No, not like that! In any case, who could prank as well as Pinkie? I'll have to do some recon. Perhaps Twilight would know...'

"No."

"What?"

"I've read about the Royal Prank Wars, Princess, and I'm not going to let you do something like creating a golem made out of Luna's most hated foods." Twilight said with a pointed glare.

Celestia blushed. "That was a one time thing, and you know it!” she frowned.

"Yes, it was a one time thing because it destroyed an entire building when it went berserk. So no, I'm not going to tell you anything about anybody's penchant for pranking, whether in Ponyville or elsewhere."

"Very well then. After I'm done with Luna, you're next." Celestia scowled.

“That’s fine. I’ll just get Pinkie, Dash, Vinyl, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and Luna. So, do you need me to tell you just how screwed you are?” Twilight boasted with a smug grin and closed eyes.

"I'm waiting, Princess..."

After 30 seconds, Twilight got tired of waiting, and opened her eyes a teeny bit to check on her surroundings.

Seeing no sign of the grey, pulverized rock dust that was nigh omnipresent on the lunar surface, the bookworm fully opened her eyes to empty space. If she squinted, she could make out Celestia off in the distance running as if Discord was on her tail. So, with a heavy sigh and a muttered curse, she made her way towards her parchment and quills.

If she were to have any hope of stopping this catastrophe, she would need some allies. And possibly some rope.

*tat-a-tat tat*

Vinyl's head poked out the door. "Yeah, Princess?" she whispered.

"I need you to come to Canterlot with me. I have a slight... problem and I need your advice on how to best proceed."

"Alright, just let me write a note about where I'm going so Octy doesn't tear my head off when I get back. What are we doing anyways?"

"Pranking my sister."

"..."

"Vinyl, dear, are you alright?", the Princess asked. Vinyl's mouth slowly turned upwards into a huge, Pinkie Pie smile.

"Oh, I'm more than alright, princess. Tell me, do you have any whoopie cushions?"

Octavia groaned as she awoke, searching the bed with her hand for her girlfriend. Finding no warm parts that would indicate a Vinyl that just woke up, Octavia rose out of bed to find her delinquent cook for today. Moving towards the dining room, she spied a a note lying on top of an empty plate.

Octy,

Celestia has asked me to help prank Luna, so I'll be at Canterlot. If I don't come back in three days, there's a bottle of vodka I've been saving, pour it on my grave, would you?

- Vinyl

Octavia had many thoughts running through her head at that moment, but the most prevalent was 'FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK'.