The Most Successful Assassination of Princess Celestia
Celestia closed her eyes, basking in the sunlight with a sigh escaping her lips as she lifted her cup up to her lips and took a small sip. She adored days like this, when Luna chose to take over court. “Oh how you spoil me little sister.” She set her cup down and took a bite of her cookie It let out a small crunch as her right ear flicked. She could barely hear it, but small, quiet hoof steps were heading her way.
“Hurry up Sweetie Belle, but keep quiet! We don’t want anypony to hear us!”
Celestia’s ears turned up a bit. She could recognize that southern drawl anywhere. Now, what are those three little fillies doing all the way out here? She looked towards the door as it burst open a few moments later. She blinked in a bit of shock. The three fillies were dressed in black ninja suits covering as much of their bodies as possible. What in the world…
“Princess Celestia! We ask, you are you prepared to die today?”
Celestia blinked before smiling “Hello girls, would you like a cookie?”
“Oh boy, would we,” Scootaloo said, grinning through her mask.
“Scoots,” Applebloom hissed at her.
“Right sorry… No thank you, Princess. We’re here to kill you!”
Celestia cocked her head. “And why, My little ponies, do you want to kill me?”
“We have to get our cutie marks Princess, so…”
“Cutie Mark assassins yay!”
Celestia’s ears pinned back due to the yell and she blinked. Huh, I never thought I’d need to fear assassins this cute… “So, my little ponies, exactly how are you plotting to assassinate me without the guards hearing anything?”
The three crusade— er, ninjas, grinned before revealing their means to kill.
Three nerf guns, each gun containing three darts each.
Celestia swallowed her laughter before frowning. “Oh no! How in Equestria did you ever figure it out?”
The three fillies looked at each other before Scootaloo shrugged. “Figured what out Princess?”
“My one and only weakness! The one thing able to smite me where I stand… nerf darts! Oh I beg of you, I have a little sister who needs me!” Celestia brought her foreleg to her forehead, sighing dramatically.
“Princess Luna is a big mare. She’ll be fine! Now, prepare yourself!” Each of them began to fire… missing every time until finally one of the darts stuck to the sun on the left side of Celestia’s flank.
Celestia gasped, her eyes going wide “Noooo, you got me… Right where I was most vulnerable!” She clasped a hoof to her heart and stumbled back and forth on just three legs, making a horrible groaning noise before reaching out towards the sun. “I’m coming Lizabeth!”
Scootaloo glanced at Sweetie Belle. “Who's that?”
“Dunno, must be an alicorn thing…” Sweetie shrugged, watching as Celestia collapsed to the ground, rolling over onto her back, her tongue lolling out of her mouth with her eyes closed.
“Y’all think she's really dead?” Applebloom cocked her head at their unmoving Princess.
“I dunno… When my grandpa died, he had a flower held in his hooves…” Sweetie Belle narrowed her eyes suspiciously.
As she said that, a rose, seemingly appeared from nowhere, appeared to be held to Celestia’s chest by her right hoof.
“Oh! There it is. I guess that means she is dead!” Sweetie Belle giggled as the three of them threw their ninja suits off and glanced at their flanks to see…
“Awwww.”
“Ah guess we aren’t assassins after all…” Apple bloom sighed sitting down with a frown.
“Guess not…” Sweetie Belle’s ears pinned back against her head.
Scootaloo buzzed her wings as she glanced around. “So, uh, what do we do now?” She cocked her head over to where Celestia was lying still. A single eye open watching them? Scootaloo shook her head and looked again to see that both eyes were closed. “I mean, we can’t just hide a dead princess, can we?”
“Well we could try… but, she's really big, so I don’t think she’ll fit anywhere…” Sweetie Belle frowned circling Princess Celestia “Plus my magic still doesn’t like to work most of the time, so, I don’t think I could really help…”
“Princess? Princess Celestia is everything alright? One of your guards heard a loud noise!”
The three crusaders looked at each other with wide, scared eyes. “Uh oh… What do they do to ponies that kill Princesses,” Scootaloo whispered loudly.
“I think they ground them for, like, ever!” Sweetie Belle moaned as Apple Bloom nodded in agreement.
“I think we needta take our special pills girls!” Apple Bloom grabbed three blue flowers from inside her ninja suit.
“I thought you were gonna make the pills Apple Bloom!” Scootaloo groaned, taking the flower in her mouth.
“Zecora wasn’t home. Just swallow it, and it should work the same way!” Apple Bloom shoved the blue flower into her mouth and laid down next to Celestia on her back, tongue lolled out.
The other two followed quickly as Celestia’s personal guard came through the door and paused to see Celestia and the three fillies obviously playing dead. He blinked before walking over to Celestia. “Er… Princess?”
“Shh, Honed Edge. Just play along,” Celestia hissed under her breath, opening a single eye and winking.
He glanced around before shrugging. “Oh no, the dear Princess of the sun has been taken from us! Welp, nothing to do for it. Better arrange for a funeral.” He covered the four corpses and headed off to continue the game.
The next day, a very private funeral was held for Princess Celestia and her three assassins. Only the palace staff and the elements were in attendance. They were really trying to keep to the game and pretend to be sad, but upon walking past the three fillies, more then once did they need to pause and swallow their laughter at the effects they gained from eating poison joke.
Twilight came into the hall and rolled her eyes, glancing down at the invitation held in her magic. You are invited to the fake funeral of Princess Celestia and her three assassins. Cake and punch to follow. “Only your sisters could do this.”
Applejack just shook her head. “I gotta admit, I never thought I’d be attending anything like this. I just wonder why everypony is having such a hard time not laughing.”
“You have got to see this guys!” Rainbow Dash landed in front of Applejack, Twilight, and Rarity who jumped back from the sudden appearance.
“Rainbow Dash, really! Have some respect. This is a funeral after all!” Rarity sniffed, lifting her muzzle before rolling her eyes. “Oh alright. What is it that we must see?”
”Nuh uh. I’m not telling. You have to see it for yourselves. Let's just say… Well, Twilight, I take it they checked out some books about spies and assassins?” Rainbow Dash beamed at the startled Princess.
“Well, yes, a few of them. why?” Twilight followed after Rainbow Dash. Rarity, and Applejack trailing behind her as Rainbow Dash kept snickering.
“Well, I think they misunderstood the whole suicide pill thing.” Rainbow stopped right before Apple Bloom’s ‘coffin.’
Twilight peered in to see Apple Bloom playing dead, her tongue lolled out while she clutched a flower. She blinked, and then covered her muzzle with her hooves. Here and there in Apple Bloom’s coat were different colored flowers and leaves. She quickly stepped back “Oh, oh no. They ate poison joke!” She hissed to Applejack and Rarity who both rushed over to take a look.
As one they snorted back their laughter and moved on to Sweetie Belle. Rarity felt faint at seeing her little sister. Sweetie Belle’s mane and coat were hard and shiny. She looked as if she had been turned into a plastic toy. “Oh my…”
Finally they moved onto Scootaloo. She was pink, but not just pink. She was pink. Her mane was a bright fluorescent pink, as was her coat. The four mares had to quickly back away so as not to laugh right in Scootaloo’s hearing.
“Oh my goodness! They really have done it to themselves, haven’t they?” Rarity waved the invitation in front of her face blushing.
“They really have! Ah almost feel Ah should take Applebloom home and plant her in the garden.” Applejack wiped the tears from her eyes.
“Indeed, it does appear they have punished themselves, haven’t they?”
The elements looked up to see Princess Celestia smiling down at them. “Princess!”
“We thought you were laying in that big coffin over there.” Applejack pointed over to the glass coffin which was being rolled from the room.
“Oh, I was, but I started to get a bit of a cramp in my wing after not moving all night. So, how much longer are we going to let them play dead?” Celestia glanced over at the three coffins.
“Iffin I know my little sister, they’re attempting to get their cutie marks in bein corpses. Just give em a little longer.” Applejack rolled her eyes.
“Ah, well then, I see a very large cake being brought in, so if you ladies will excuse me?” Celestia practically skipped over to the cake with the inscription ‘We’ll miss you!’
Twilight sighed and turned to follow after before pausing long enough to hear three quiet voices coming from the coffins.
“Cutie Mark Corpses, yay!”
Author's Note
Sadly, they were unable to get their cutie marks as corpses... Huh, what would that even look like?
