I am NOT a "Bratty Daughter"...BAKA!

by MythrilMoth

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Sex, Random, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6
Length: 6316

Princess Twilight Sparkle is asked to look after a personification of her own castle.

One day, Princess Twilight Sparkle came down to her throne room in her sparkly crystal castle and found a young human girl sitting in her throne...who, apparently, is her castle.

Just as Twilight is growing into her role as a Princess, her castle is growing into its role as a Tree of Harmony. And like any child, it needs...guidance.

The only problem: Little Tree is a bit of a brat.

This story is ENTIRELY FoME's fault.

Published 2016-11-21 05:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-19 23:14:54 UTC

It's not like I WANT to be your castle or anything...BAKA!

On an ordinary day in the ordinary pony village of Ponyville, a not-so-ordinary alicorn princess named Twilight Sparkle walked down the not-so-ordinary crystal stairs of her very not-so-ordinary crystal tree palace and into her not-so-ordinary throne room with its six and a half thrones and extremely-not-ordinary Cutie Map table.

To Twilight, of course, all of this was ordinary.

Except for the human girl sitting in her throne.

That was not ordinary.

Twilight's light trot slowed to a halt, her head tilting curiously as she examined the girl. She looked quite different from Twilight's human friends on the other side of the mirror. Her skin was pale, almost translucent, with a faint shimmer to it. Her short hair was a medium dusty purple that lay somewhere between Twilight's own coat and mane, and her eyes were a slightly lighter shade of purple than Twilight's. She wore a scowl of annoyance on an otherwise pretty young face. She was wearing a smart black blazer over a crisp white blouse; as Twilight rounded the table, she could see a matching black skirt which barely brushed the tops of the girl's thighs, black stockings which left maybe an inch of bare skin visible, and glossy black shoes.

But the most unusual thing about the girl's appearance was her hat.

She was wearing a bright purple top hat, but everything above the hatband was a small, perfect scale model of the very castle that sat high above them in the branches of the giant crystal tree. It even had the tall spire with the giant crystal representation of Twilight's Cutie Mark; all it was missing were the various balconies and banners that branched off the castle.

"Umm." Twilight stepped closer, her head tilting this way and that as she examined the strange human girl.

"It's about time you woke up," the girl said in a huffy tone. Her voice was younger-sounding than Twilight had expected and held a tone of perpetual annoyance. "Where's that stupid dragon? I'm hungry." Her scowl deepened. "I don't like being hungry. This body is stupid."

Twilight took a step back, drawing a hoof up. "Who...are you? How did you get in here?"

The girl rolled her eyes. "I've always been here! I didn't think you were THIS stupid."

"Now now," an older, more motherly voice said in a hauntingly ethereal tone. Twilight turned around, her eyes wide.

In a bright flash of silver-white light, a human woman appeared. She was tall, regal, and elegant...except for her shabby clothes and bizarre hairstyle. Her skin was clear, pale, and flawless, her cheekbones high, her eyes a bright, clear blue, and her face as striking and regal as Celestia's. Her voluminous, shining copper hair, however, had been pulled into a mass of twisted, stiff braids that stuck out at numerous improbable angles, each decorated with dozens of glowing pearls that hung in long strings. The five largest braids were fastened with bright, jeweled clasps whose shapes were unsettlingly familiar to Twilight: an apple, a butterfly, a balloon, a lightning bolt, and a diamond.

In stark contrast to her regal beauty and strange hair, she wore a shabby green sweater over a white T-shirt which bore three Cutie Marks: Twilight's own, Celestia's, and Luna's. Below that, she wore a simple blue skirt, plain socks, and blue sneakers with the laces undone.

"Please forgive my daughter," she said to Twilight in a voice that reminded her very strongly of Princess Celestia, only somehow older and wiser. "This is her first time taking such a form, and she was not entirely willing to do this in the first place."

"Why'd it have to be this form?" the girl complained. "I mean, wouldn't it make more sense to be a pony?"

The woman smiled. "Perhaps," she said, "but you just look so much more adorable this way!"

The girl let out a groan of disgust and looked away, folding her arms. Her cheeks puffed out in a perfect teenage pout.

Twilight blinked twice, then shook her head. "Who ARE you two?" she demanded. "Where did you come from and how did you get in here?"

The strange woman smiled, her eyes twinkling. "You know who I am, Element of Magic," she said. "After all, we are connected in ways beyond your mortal understanding."

Twilight started to speak, then stopped, narrowing her eyes in scrutiny. She studied the woman for a long moment.

Her eyes widened. "You're...the Tree of Harmony?!"

"That's right," the Tree said, nodding. "I have asked so much of you in such a short time, but I am afraid I must ask more of you still."

Twilight gulped. "It must be important if...if you're appearing in this form," she said. "Should I gather the girls?"

"There is no need for that...yet," the Tree said. She turned to look at the pouting girl. "Little Tree, stop sulking. It is time to introduce yourself properly, young lady!"

Twilight looked at the girl, who glared back at her. Twilight's jaw dropped. "Is she..." She pointed a hoof at the girl, then looked back at the Tree. "She's...this castle?!"

"My daughter," the Tree said with a nod. Then, with a quirk of her lips, she added, "My bratty daughter."

Little Tree stood up and stamped a foot. "I am NOT a bratty daughter!" she huffed indignantly.

"Yeah, you kind of are," Twilight said with a snort. She turned back to the Tree. "So...what exactly is this all about?"

"Little Tree needs guidance," the Tree of Harmony said. "At first, she was doing just fine, but lately she's become, well..." She shrugged. "Let's just say Starlight Glimmer never should've been able to use Little Tree to cause so much trouble, and the only reason the Map stopped working was because Little Tree was pouting after I scolded her for almost letting Equestria die."

"You chewed me out for not doing your job, Worst Mom Ever!" Little Tree shouted.

The Tree sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "I'm trying to teach you to do my job," she explained patiently. "And to do it better than I ever could, in a way I never could." She walked past Twilight and put a hand on Little Tree's shoulder. "I created you to work with the ponies and the other creatures. To actively shape and create Harmony in this world. That's something I could never do. Something I was never intended to do." She stepped back, sighing tiredly. "Something I'm too old to do now, even if I wanted to."

Little Tree frowned and folded her arms. "Well you're putting too much pressure on me," she said. "I'm not even three years old yet. I barely understand how I work yet!"

"And that's why I want you to work with Twilight Sparkle, in this form," the Tree explained. She turned to Twilight, putting on a patient smile. "Little Tree is more than a fancy castle," she said. "More than a way for you and your friends to learn about friendship problems across Equestria and beyond."

Twilight nodded. "I sort of figured out a while ago that this castle was...was a second Tree of Harmony."

The Tree's smile became sad and tired. "A replacement Tree of Harmony," she corrected.

Twilight blinked. "Repla—" She gasped, her eyes wide. "No," she whispered, shaking her head. "You can't possibly be—!"

"Dying?" the Tree finished kindly. "Soon, yes."

"But...! No! We returned the Elements—"

"And saved me from those horrible Plunder Vines," the Tree said. "And I thank you for that, and that is how I truly knew you were ready to receive my seed." She paused, blinked, then shook her head. "Sorry, I should've phrased that differently."

Little Tree snickered. Twilight blushed.

"Twilight Sparkle, I am very, very old," the Tree said, perching on the edge of the Cutie Map. "Not even Discord can comprehend my true age. In roughly one hundred years, I will wither and I will die. Nothing can stop that now. The remaining power of the Elements within me will disperse into the Everfree Forest and purify it of its wild, uncontrolled magic forever. That will be my final gift to Equestria." She smiled. "But it will not be my most important gift. My most important gift to Equestria is Little Tree. I gave birth to her to replace me, to succeed me as the eternal spirit of Harmony that binds, guides, and protects this world." She glanced at Little Tree. "But she is something new, something that has never existed, and in order for her to be everything I created her to be, she will need the guidance of living, breathing ponies." She turned her gaze back on Twilight. "She will need the Princess of Friendship."

Twilight shook her head in awe at the enormity of it. "But...I don't understand. Why me? I'm not as old and wise as Princess Celestia, or—"

"Because I waited thousands of years for you to arrive, Twilight Sparkle," the Tree said. "Did you not notice that your Cutie Mark was the largest upon my trunk? You were destined from the very beginning of time. Destined to bring about the next Age of Harmony."

Twilight slumped to her rump, her eyes wide and jaw slack.

"I understand it's a lot to take in," the Tree said kindly, moving from her perch to kneel in front of Twilight and place a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "But it is not a burden you must take all at once, nor is it one you will shoulder alone. You will have your friends beside you—not only your fellow Element Bearers, but the many friends you have made across Equestria and beyond—and you will have Little Tree. It will be many decades before the work that lies ahead of you both truly begins. I expect no more of you for now than to continue to live the life you have always lived. Enjoy your friendships, protect Equestria when harm arises, and spread the magic of friendship wherever you can. And in the meantime..." She glanced over at Little Tree. "Teach my bratty daughter the lessons you've learned as Celestia's student. The lessons you've shared with your friend in the other world and with that...rather misguided unicorn."

"I want her out of me!" Little Tree said suddenly. "If I see her, I'm shoving this stupid foot up her stupid butt!"

"Little Tree," the Tree warned. Little Tree crossed her arms, let out a haughty sniff, and dropped back onto Twilight's throne. The Tree sighed and turned back to Twilight with a game smile. "I'm afraid you have your work cut out for you," she said gently.

And with that, she vanished.

"Wait—!" Twilight called. As the last sparkle of the Tree's presence faded, she sighed. She looked at Little Tree, who refused to look at her. "So!" she began with false cheer. "You're...my castle!"

"I never wanted to be your castle," Little Tree said. She glanced up at the chandelier above the Map, made from the roots of the Golden Oak Library. "Your friends put that dirty thing inside me. It itches."

"Oh. Um. ...Sorry?" Twilight offered.

Little Tree sniffed. "Keep it," she said. "I guess it makes you feel better, even if it's stupid." Her stomach rumbled. "So where's that dragon? I don't like being hungry. It's stupid."

"I'll...see if he's up yet," Twilight said. As she slowly backed out of the throne room, her mind whirled. She was so lost in thought that she almost tripped over Spike.

"Hey Twilight," Spike said. "What's up? You look kinda freaked out."

Twilight sighed. "You're not gonna believe this," she said. "I just met the Tree of Harmony. And the spirit of this castle's going to be living with us for a while." She paused, then added, "And she's kind of a rude brat."

Spike stared at her. Dug in one of his ears with a claw. "It's gonna be one of those days, isn't it?" he asked.

"You have no idea," Twilight muttered, her ears pinned back.

It's not like I WANT to eat breakfast with you or anything...BAKA!

Spike stared at the girl sitting in Twilight's throne. "So...that's your castle?"

"Apparently."

"As in, this castle. This one right here. The one we're standing in."

"Yep."

"The one I woke up in this morning. The one with the ice cold toilets."

"WELL EXCUSE ME FOR HAVING COLD TOILETS!" Little Tree screeched. "And I can hear every word you're saying! How do you think I feel knowing you're relieving yourself inside me!"

There was a very long silence as the three of them paused to digest those words.

"Yeah I'm moving in with Rarity," Spike said.

"Nopony's moving anywhere," Twilight said, facehoofing. "And Little Tree? From now on, will you please think carefully before you use the words 'inside me'?"

Little Tree's cheeks puffed out. "This is why I hate being able to talk," she said. "It's stupid and embarrassing."

"Spike, why don't you get started on breakfast?" Twilight suggested. "We'll be along shortly." She paused. "Is Starlight up yet?"

"I don't think so," Spike said. "She was up late last night."

"Probably thinking up a new way to make a huge nasty mess insi—" Little Tree broke off at Twilight's glare, then turned away, crossing her arms and letting out a huffy, high-pitched sniff.

Twilight sighed. "How about waffles today, Spike?" she suggested.

"Waffles. Sure." Spike shot Little Tree a long glance, then shuffled out of the room. "But we're talkin' about this whole spirit of the castle thing later!"

As Spike headed for the kitchen, Twilight shook her head and addressed Little Tree. "Come on, let's head for the dining room," she said.

"Fine," Little Tree said, standing up and smoothing out her skirt. "How do you stand sitting on that hard thing? My butt hurts."

"Well, I don't really spend that much time sitting on it," Twilight said. "And you're complaining about a part of yourself, so..."

Little Tree rolled her eyes. "Well excuse me for not being able to grow anything that isn't crystalwood! It's kind of what I'm made of."

Twilight tilted her head. "But...there's pennants and—"

"LEAVES!"

"But what about—"

Little Tree hurried over to Twilight in a stiff, bustling march and clamped her muzzle shut with her hands. "Pay close attention, you stupid princess," she said. "Every part of me that you ponies didn't bring inside for your own comfort is either my wood, my leaves, or my..." She paused, then blushed faintly. "Fruits."

Twilight freed her muzzle with her hooves, then tilted her head. "Do I...do I even want to know which parts are your fruits?"

"No, you certainly do not!"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "And the toilets? Why do you—"

"I'M A TREE!" Little Tree shouted, her face burning crimson. "I NEED FERTILIZER! JUST ASK THAT APPLE PONY!"

Twilight blinked...then her face twisted into a slow, evil smirk. "So what you're saying," she said slowly, "is that you eat our sh—"

A huge, round, pearlescent crystal peach fell on Twilight's head, knocking her hooves out from under her. Her eyes spun as the peach rolled away. Little Tree stormed off in a huff.

Just as Twilight got her bearings again, Starlight Glimmer trotted into the room, yawning. "Good morning, Twilight!" she said. She frowned and looked off to her left. "Is...is that a giant crystal peach?"

Twilight massaged the lump on her head. "Yes," she said. "Yes it is."

* * * * *

When the two mares entered the dining room, Starlight stared, dumbstruck, at Little Tree. "Umm..."

Little Tree glared at her. "I hate you," she said. "Just so you know. If it were up to me, you wouldn't even be here."

Twilight sighed. "Little Tree, please at least try to get along," she said.

"Twilight?" Starlight asked through clenched teeth. "Who, or what, is this?"

Twilight sighed again. "Starlight Glimmer, this is Little Tree. She's...well...the spirit of this castle."

Starlight blinked. She tilted her head. "Come again?"

"She's the spirit of the Castle of Friendship," Twilight repeated. "She's taken physical form so she can learn from us. From me, from our friends."

Starlight's eyes bugged out. "This castle's alive?!"

"OF COURSE I'M ALIVE!" Little Tree shouted. "I'm a TREE, in case you didn't notice!"

"W-well yeah, but...!" Starlight stammered. "I mean, I knew the castle grew out of a seed of the Tree of Harmony, but—!" She paused, then groaned. "Okay. Fine. Tree spirit. Talking. Has a body...umm...what is that body supposed to be, exactly?"

"Human," Twilight said. "I told you about them, right? My friend Sunset Shimmer is living as one in that other world?"

"Ohhh," Starlight said. She frowned as she sat down at the table. "So...why do you hate me?"

Little Tree scoffed disbelievingly. "Are you stupid?" she cried. "Remember the awful way you abused me?"

Starlight flinched. "Abused you? What—"

"Your spell," Twilight said. "The one you nearly destroyed Equestria with?"

"Imagine how you'd feel if you were a disembodied heart being flung all over time and space!" Little Tree cried, flinging her arms into the air. "You violated me in the worst way, you psycho!"

Twilight massaged the bridge of her muzzle. "Little Tree," she said tiredly, "if you're going to keep being a brat, can you at least do it without making everything sound so incredibly wrong?"

Little Tree stared at her, cheeks burning red. "...IDIOT!" she declared, slumping into her seat and curling inward on herself in a full-blown pout.

"I'll...umm...just go help Spike with breakfast," Starlight said hastily, teleporting out of the dining room.

Twilight sighed. "I don't understand," she said. "You're supposed to be the beacon of friendship and harmony in Equestria. That's why you have the Map. How can you possibly be this much of a brat?"

"Well excuse me," Little Tree said sniffily. "I'm a three-year-old crystalwood tree with a neurotic egghead, a fire-breathing, jewel-eating dragon, and a psychopath who can't keep her horn to herself living inside me! And that's not even getting into the constant presence of the other five crazy ponies, and then the random visitors that show up from time to time and bring their own crazy—like the yaks, remember the insanely destructive yaks that broke pieces of me?!"

Twilight flinched. "H-hey now, it's not like we asked them to—"

"But you didn't stop them either, did you?" Little Tree said acidly. "Where was all your oh-so-great alicorn magic when your home was in danger AGAIN? Or do I just not mean as much to you as that dirty old tree that—"

A slap echoed like a gunshot.

Little Tree stared at Twilight, reaching up to rub her swollen, red cheek.

"Lesson number one," Twilight said in a quiet, dangerous tone. "Just because you're upset at somepony, you shouldn't say hurtful things you can't take back."

Little Tree blinked. "I—"

"Part of me died the day the Golden Oak Library was destroyed," Twilight said, her voice hitching. "I'm still coming to terms with it. Some of my best memories were in that library. I lost precious, irreplacable treasures—personal things, important things, things I can never get back. To you, the Golden Oak Library may be some dirty old normal tree, but to me? It was my home."

Little Tree found herself unable to meet Twilight's eyes. "Sorry," she mumbled tonelessly.

"Breakfast!" Starlight Glimmer sang as she and Spike entered the dining room, carrying a platter of waffles, a stack of plates, assorted silverware, bottles of syrups in different flavors, bowls of berries, and a big container of whipped cream.

As the spread was laid out on the table, Little Tree studied it curiously. "I've watched you ponies eat this stuff before, but I have no idea what it's all about."

"Here, let me," Starlight said as she plated two waffles for Little Tree. She poured strawberry syrup over them, then topped them with a sprinkle of blueberries and a large dollop of whipped cream. She also sprinkled on a smattering of chocolate chips for good measure, then slid the plate in front of Little Tree along with silverware. Lastly, a large cloth napkin unfolded itself and spread itself over Little Tree.

Little Tree blinked. "Th-thank you," she said quietly. She then picked up her knife and fork and cut off an experimental bite. She slowly lifted to her mouth and tasted it...

Her eyes widened.

She dropped her silverware with a clatter and pressed her hands to her cheeks.

"It's so good!" she declared. "This is so much better than what I usually eat!"

Starlight tilted her head. "Really? What do you usually eat?"

"Nevermind that!" Twilight said hastily. "So, Little Tree, you like waffles?"

"Yes!" Little Tree said, attacking her plate with gusto.

"Then I guess having a human body isn't that stupid after all, is it?"

"N-no, it's totally stupid!" Little Tree said, stammering. "It's weird, and these clothes are itchy, and...and...!" She let out a frustrated groan. "Why couldn't I have at least been a PONY..."

"That's...a really good question," Starlight said. "Why is she a...human, was it?"

"Her mother didn't really say," Twilight said with a shrug. "She actually pretty much dodged the question. Kind of like Celestia used to do to me when she wanted to be particularly difficult."

"Her...mother?" Starlight asked.

"The Tree of Harmony," Twilight said. She paused for a bite of waffle, then continued, "I don't...completely understand what it is I'm supposed to do yet, but apparently I'm supposed to take Little Tree on as a second friendship student because the original Tree of Harmony is...is dying." She glanced at Little Tree, sorrow on her face.

Little Tree looked away, her eyes cloudy. "Mama shouldn't be dying," she said. "Dying is stupid."

"Yeah...dying is stupid," Twilight agreed. "But it's also part of life. Even beings that live practically forever have to do it sooner or later. Well...most of them do."

"Wait, the Tree is dying?" Spike gasped, eyes wide. "But...! The Everfree Forest! What's gonna happen to Ponyville? Oh man, this is bad! We've gotta warn—"

"Spike," Twilight said calmly, "it's okay. In the first place, the Tree of Harmony won't die for another hundred years."

Spike sighed with relief. "Oh. Whew."

"In the second place, she assured me that when she dies, the last of her power will purify and tame the Everfree Forest. It'll...it'll just be a regular forest."

"Huh. That's...good?" Spike said, scratching his head. "But that also doesn't make any sense. If the Tree of Harmony has the power to, y'know, wipe out the Everfree Forest, then why—"

Little Tree rolled her eyes. "Because, stupid," she said condescendingly, "that icky forest is there to protect Mama. The whole reason it's there is to keep ponies and griffons and minotaurs and such from bothering her."

Spike blinked. "Oh," he said.

"So when...when the Tree dies," Starlight said, "there won't be any need for the Everfree Forest anymore?"

"Yeah," Little Tree said quietly. "And I can take care of myself, even when Worst Alicorn here isn't around. Or when she's letting stupid things like yaks and you wreck up my insides," she added sourly.

"HEY!" Twilight yelled indignantly. "Whaddya mean Worst Alicorn?"

"Oh, sorry," Little Tree said cattily. "I meant Second Worst. Because at least you're good for something other than making baby alicorns."

Twilight blinked at that. "Um. Wow. Okay, remember what I said earlier about saying hurtful things you can't take back?"

Little Tree snorted. "Tell me that again after you've had your brother pollenating that fat pink princess in one of your branches," she said, digging back into her waffles.

The rest of the table choked.

"Okay eww," Twilight said, pushing her plate away. "Also when?!"

"I'm guessing about a year before Flurry Heart was born," Spike said. "In other words, the last time they were here for a visit before—"

"Thanks, Spike, I get the idea," Twilight said acidly.

"Well," Starlight said cheerfully, "I can tell having Little Tree around is going to be a lot of fun..."

This is no time to be playing with your stupid bottle...BAKA!

Author's Note

This chapter's a bit of a sequence breaker, continuity-wise, but I could not resist. :rainbowlaugh: If I need to shuffle the chapter order around later, I'll let you all know.

This is no time to be playing with your stupid bottle...BAKA!

"DOIN' THE SPELL!" Trixie exclaimed.

"TRIXIE, WAIT!" Starlight yelled.

*FLASH*

The Cutie Map vanished.

Silence fell over the throne room.

"Ta-da?" Trixie offered hesitantly.

Starlight stared at her.

Before she could say anything, an earsplitting scream filled the room.

Little Tree stormed into the room, her thighs held stiffly together, her hands determinedly holding her skirt down, a furious blush on her face. She marched right up to Trixie. "WHAT. DID. YOU. JUST. DO?!" she demanded angrily.

Trixie blinked at her. "Umm...teleportation?"

"Little Tree? What...what's wrong?" Starlight asked.

Little Tree turned slowly to stare at her. "Wrong? What's WRONG?!" she screeched. "STUPID! Your stupid FRIEND here just...just...!" She squirmed, then blinked. "Wait. Where's my Map?"

The ponies looked at each other and blinked. "Umm...Trixie sort of...teleported it somewhere?" Starlight offered.

Little Tree blinked. "You teleported...the Cutie Map?" she asked slowly. "B-but..." She paused, blinking several times. "O-oh," she said softly. "OH..." Her blush deepened. "G-get it back!"

"We will, I promise," Starlight said. "Trixie, where did you send—"

"GET IT BACK NOW!" Little Tree screamed, grabbing Trixie and shaking her. As she shook Trixie, her skirt flared up...

Starlight blinked rapidly.

Spike stared, eyes wide. "Umm..." He coughed. "I, uhh...I've only been around humans a couple of times, but..." He tilted his head. "Human girls usually cover that up, don't they?"

Little Tree hurriedly dropped Trixie and sat down on the floor, pushing her skirt down around her bare nethers, her entire head burning scarlet. "STUPIDSTUPIDDUMMYDUMMYSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID!!" A shiver ran up her body. "This floor is freezing cold!"

"Umm..." Trixie blinked. "I'm...missing something here..."

"So's Little Tree," Spike said with a smirk. "I see Trottingham, I see Prance, what I don't see are Little Tree's—"

A giant crystal peach fell on Spike.

"Wrff iff," he mumbled from underneath it.

Starlight seized Little Tree in her magic and levitated her into the air. "WAGH!" Little Tree cried. "PUT ME DOWN, DUMBEST PONY EVER I HATE YOU!"

Ignoring her, Starlight held Little Tree up to examine her from all angles. She frowned. "Okay, I'm still not sure what you're so—" She idly conjured a shield to deflect a crystal peach, which rolled across the floor and crashed into a wall. "—so freaked out about other than Trixie losing the Cutie Map, but we'll get it back because I'm sure Trixie knows where it is, right?!"

"Oh yeah, totally totally," Trixie said, nodding confidently, a self-assured smile on her face. "No."

Starlight blinked, dropping Little Tree. "No?"

"Owie...stupid psycho pony..."

Trixie shrugged. "I mean, I don't know where it went? But I'm sure you can just, zap, teleport it right back...right?"

Starlight facehoofed. "No, because to do that, first I'd have to know where it is," she growled.

"...oh," Trixie said. "Huh. Oh well! I think I'm gonna go get some cinnamon nuts. Good luck finding that map...thingie!" She turned to trot out of the room...

Little Tree blocked her path, an unholy expression of demonic fury on her face. "You are going to find the Cutie Map," she growled. "Or I am going to make a great and powerful throw rug out of you."

Trixie blinked. "Eep?" she whimpered, cowering. "S-starlight? Help?"

Starlight flicked an ear. "Don't look at me," she said. "You lost the Map. It's kinda important. I don't blame her for being ticked off at you."

"Yeah, she probably feels naked without it," Spike said with a smirk. He tilted his head. "Huh, I wonder if that's what human Rarity looks—" An electric blue dome of magic protected him from another falling peach.

"Spike?" Starlight suggested sweetly, dropping her shield and levitating him to face her. "Maaaaybe you should stop teasing Little Tree about...whatever it is she's mad about."

Little Tree froze suddenly, her furious tirade against Trixie ending in mid-"DUMMY!" She looked at Spike. "Wait...other-Rarity," she said slowly. "That...that's it!" She pointed a finger at Trixie. "YOU! Go find the Cutie Map." She pointed at Starlight. "YOU," she said, "go through the portal with Spike and find other-Rarity. Tell her..." She paused, then squirmed and blushed. "T-tell her...you need to borrow some...p-panties..."

Starlight blinked. "Okay, two things. One, I've never been through the portal, I have literally no idea how to do anything you just said. Two, what are panties?"

"It's cool, I got this," Spike said with a snicker. "I'll be back in a few." He tottered out of the room.

Starlight stared after him, tilting her head. "O-okay," she said. "So...I guess Trixie and I will just...go look for the map...on our own..."

"Well hurry up and get going, DUMMY!" Little Tree demanded, crossing her arms and pouting.

* * * * *

It took Spike almost half an hour to find Rarity. "Rarity!" he called out as he scrambled frantically into the classroom. "We need your help!"

Rarity and Sunset Shimmer, who sat beside her, blinked. "Spike?" Rarity asked. "What are you doing at Canterlot High? Does Twilight know you're not—"

"Twilight's out of town, we have a little emergency back at the castle," Spike said.

"Castle—oh! Oh," Rarity said, eyes widening in understanding. "You're that Spike."

"Spike?" Sunset asked. "What's wrong? It must be serious if you came through the portal by yourself!"

"It's pretty bad," Spike said. "That idiot Trixie lost the Cutie Map."

Sunset gasped. "She did what?!" She shot to her feet. "That's...that's a real crisis! Twilight told me about...! If that's missing, then—"

"Yeah, Trixie and Starlight are out trying to find it before Twilight and the girls get back from Manehattan," Spike said dismissively. "It can't have gone just anywhere, Trixie isn't that powerful." He turned to Rarity. "Anyway, the reason I came here, I need to borrow some panties."

The already-hushed classroom fell into an even deeper hush.

Rarity stared at Spike. "I...I beg your pardon?"

"Panties!" Spike insisted. "Come on, I need some panties, fast!"

Snickers broke out in the room.

Rarity's cheeks flushed. "Umm...S-Spike..." She squirmed in her seat. "I...I don't know how...how these things work in Equestria, but...here, such a forward request is...is highly inappropriate..."

"Hang on," Sunset said. "Spike? What do you want with Rarity's panties?"

Rarity turned to glare at her as the snickering around the room intensified.

"S-sorry," Sunset said sheepishly. "I mean, umm...it's a bit of an...odd request..."

"It's too stupid to explain," Spike said. "Just...I really really need to take a pair of panties back to Equestria with me, it's literally the only reason I'm here. Please?"

"Excuse me," a frosty voice interrupted.

All eyes turned to the front of the room, where Ms. Harshwhinny stood in front of her desk, a severely annoyed expression on her face.

"I do not appreciate my class being interrupted by...by perverted talking dogs with an underwear fetish," she said. She pointed at the door. "Leave immediately or I will summon Animal Control!"

"But—"

"OUT!"

"Okay okay, sheesh," Spike muttered.

Rarity gave him a sympathetic look. "I'll...I'll see you after class," she said. "You can explain what this is all about and...and I'll try to help however I can."

"Okay," Spike said, padding out of the room, stares and whispers and snickers following him. "Yeesh," he muttered as he walked out into the hall. "Touchy..."

"Oh hi Spike!"

Spike looked up to see Pinkie Pie standing in front of him, smiling sunnily. "Hey Pinkie," he said.

"Why so glum, chum? What's up, pup?"

Spike shrugged. "Came here to borrow something from Rarity, that mean teacher threw me out of her class. Also, the kids were laughing at me and I think I embarrassed Rarity."

"Ohhhh..." Pinkie said, nodding. "Yeah, Harshwhinny can be a real crabby-crab." Her nose crinkled. "Wait. Which Spike are you? Twilight's talking doggie Spike, or may-actually-be-a-dragon-from-magical-pony-land Spike?"

"Definitely-actually-a-dragon-from-Equestria Spike," Spike said.

"Cool," Pinkie said. "So there's some kind of emergency?"

"Sort of," Spike said. "I just came here to borrow some panties."

Pinkie blinked. "Panties?"

"Yeah, panties," Spike said. "Kinda need 'em in a hurry."

"Well that's...kinda random, but no biggie," Pinkie said. Looking up and down the hall both ways twice, she squatted down low to the ground, reaching under her skirt. Spike blinked at her.

Slowly, Pinkie Pie peeled off her panties, taking care to keep herself mostly covered with her skirt the entire time. Once she had them around her knees, she stood up quickly, letting her skirt fall straight down, and casually kicked them off, catching them and offering them to Spike. "Here you go!" she said cheerfully. "One pair of pretty pink panties!"

"Uhh...thanks," Spike said dubiously, taking them in his mouth. A sugary, bubblegum-like smell assailed his delicate doggie nose. "Umm...but don't you, umm..." he mumbled through the silk. He dropped them, then said, "I mean, are you okay without—"

"Eh, wouldn't be the first time I've gone commando at school," Pinkie said with a shrug. "Don't worry about me! Hope this helps!"

"Yeah, it should, thanks!" Spike picked the panties back up again, then scampered out of the school, headed for the statue. He ran right past Principal Celestia and Vice-Principal Luna, who were walking through the foyer carrying cups of coffee.

They blinked.

"Celestia?" Luna asked slowly. "Was...was that Twilight Sparkle's dog?"

"I believe so," Celestia said.

"Was he...was he carrying a pair of panties in his mouth?"

"He certainly was."

"Is this...is this something we need to worry about?"

Celestia considered this. "No...I believe this is more Sunset Shimmer's problem," she said. "Besides, we have too much paperwork to do..."

* * * * *

"Ew, these are all wet and slobbery," Little Tree complained as Spike presented the panties to her. "I'm not putting these on!"

"Whaddya want, I turn into a dog when I go to that world," Spike said. "Here, I think we can air-dry those..."

A little dragon flame and a few minutes later, the panties were mostly dry and smelled even more strongly of bubblegum. Little Tree started to put them on, then stoppped when she noticed Spike was watching her. "T-turn around!" she insisted, blushing.

Spike rolled his eyes. "Okay okay," he said, turning his back.

A minute later, Little Tree let out a sigh. "Okay, I have them on," she said. "I can still feel your icky drool all over them though," she complained.

Spike groaned. "Whatever. I'm gonna go back to reading my comics. Let me know when those two idiots get back with the Cutie Map..."

* * * * *

"Well, here it is," Trixie said proudly, gesturing to the map table with a hoof. "Trixie knew she would find the misplaced Map!"

"Great," Starlight said tiredly. "Now we just need to get it back before Twilight gets home."

As they used a combination of magic, hoof power, and a wagon to haul the heavy crystal table back to the castle, Trixie commented, "I wonder why that annoying tree girl was so angry about us losing this thing in the first place."

"Well..." Starlight frowned. "She did say the Cutie Map is her heart the first time I met her," she said. "I guess...I can understand what she'd be so mad about."

"Oh," Trixie said. She worried at her lip. "Does...does Trixie owe the tree girl an apology?"

"I think you should definitely apologize to her, yeah," Starlight said.

The instant they crossed the threshold of the castle, they were beset upon by Little Tree. "MY PANTIES! WHERE ARE THEY?" she cried.

Trixie and Starlight blinked at each other. "Panties?" Trixie asked.

"Okay, seriously, what are panties," Starlight said flatly. "We got the stupid Map back, by the way, you're welcome."

Little Tree blinked. "Oh," she said softly. "Y-yeah...that's...that's pretty important too." She shuffled her feet awkwardly. "Umm...let's put it back...where it belongs..." She folded her hands together and closed her eyes. Her hat began to glow...

The entire castle lit up brilliantly from within. The Cutie Map rose out of the wagon they'd used to haul it to the castle, sliding across the floor of its own accord. Starlight, Trixie, and Spike watched as it slid into the throne room; the thrones parted to make way for it with a loud grinding sound. After a long moment of crystals grinding against crystals with grinding, grating, glassy sounds that made the two ponies and one dragon's teeth hurt, the throne room was perfectly restored to its original condition, the Cutie Map shining peacefully in the circle of thrones.

A beam of light shot out of the center of the table, stretching to the ceiling. A pair of white silk panties with a little sky-blue bow on the front materialized within the beam, spinning serenely in place. Little Tree walked over to the table and gingerly took hold of them, clutching them to her chest as she heaved a relieved sigh.

Starlight blinked. "Wait. That's what she's been so freaked out about?"

"Yep," Spike said with a smirk.

Trixie tilted her head. "Trixie...does not understand," she said slowly.

"I don't either," Starlight said. "Little Tree, I thought you said the Cutie Map was your heart. That...doesn't look like a heart."

Little Tree turned to face them, blushing furiously. "It was a metaphor, okay?" she snapped. "Besides, how was I supposed to know which...which bits of this stupid human body represent which parts of my actual tree body?" With that, she stomped off, her nose pointed in the air, her panties—which may or may not be her heart—clasped delicately to her bosom.

The ponies and Spike watched her go.

"Well that happened," Spike said wryly.