Breakfast with Luna

by One Punch Man

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Random
Length: 1372

Princess Luna invites Anon over to make breakfast ...and by 'invite', I mean kidnap him and tie him up in the kitchen pantry.

Princess Luna invites Anon over to make breakfast ...and by 'invite', I mean kidnap him and tie him up in the kitchen pantry.

Rated Teen for many heinous acts of terror such as soggy cereal and ruined eggs.
One-shot.

Published 2016-11-21 17:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-21 17:30:01 UTC

"A Balanced Breakfast with a side of Luna"

"A Balanced Breakfast with a side of Luna"

The burlap sack over Anon’s head disoriented him as he woke up.

It smelled like stale corn flakes.

“L-Luna? W-where are you? I thought we were making breakfast together!” As soon as the young human stepped into the hallway of the castle for an early morning piss before breakfast, he was attacked and blindfolded by several shadowy winged figures, armed with paddles and a mare repeatedly shouting obscenities to question Anon’s masculinity. “I’m hungry, goddamnit!”

His hands and feet were bound to presumably a chair. It was cold wood. The tight knots dug into Anon’s wrist and ankles.

Then, footsteps.

“Luna? Hey Luna, is that you? Please tell me that it’s you.”

“Anoooonn…”

It was Luna.

“L-Luna! Thank goodness! I think I got captured and-“

“Of course you got captured. I captured you. Who else?”

“W-why?!”

Luna narrowed her eyes.

“So we can make breakfast, foal. I gave the staff explicit instruction that I were to make breakfast so we won’t have to worry about any ....unforeseen interruptions.”

“E-eh?”

Suddenly, a chill swept through Anon’s privates.

“Wait! Before all that! Why the hell am I in my boxers?!”

A pair of white boxers speckled with hearts was all that kept Anon from experiencing complete and utter shame.

“Foalish Anon…those aren’t you’re boxers.” Luna explained with a wolfish smile.

“…What?” Dafaq?

Luna sighed as she removed the burlap sack.

“Luna! Seriously, what is this? Why am I tied up? And what the hell happened to my boxers?!”

Ignoring his comments, Luna continued, “So anyways. Here’s the kitchen.”

It was only then that Anon realized he was in an immaculately clean kitchen. Every tile and fixture was white and polished.

“U-um, Luna…?”

“See these two eggs, Anon?”

“Yes…?

Anon carefully eyed the pair of perfectly AAA-grade eggs that were pulled straight out of the carton.

“Now imagine them as your nuts …”

“O-okay”

Luna held the pair of unfertilized hen zygotes high above the heated pan of oil.

“Now imagine me gently…squeezing the life out of them!”

An instantaneously deathgrip of horror shattered both shell and sanity.

Anon’s nuts exploded abruptly.

Shell and yellow ooze mixed sickenly together as they into the pan. The yolk was destroyed. The mixture sizzled fusing shell and whites and yolk together in an unholy trinity.

Anon’s mind knew no more.

“Luna! Stop! You’re getting shells into the eggs!”

“Yolk for the Yolk God. Shells for the shell throne.”

Luna stop it! Please! You’re ruining the eggs!”

“Yes! Yes! Now watch your nuts get scrambled!”

With a wooden spatula Luna began to viciously beat her eggs. Her mind was sunken to the depths of oblivion. No longer were those Anon’s nuts frying in the pan in their heretical existence. All Luna saw in them was Nightmare Moon’s face.

She beated it mercilessly.

“Hahaha! How do you like that? How do you like that!?”

“Luna! Please, no more!”

“You know what these eggs need? Some seasoning. Do you know what the best seasoning for eggs is, Anon?

“Kitten tears? Because what you’re doing is wrong. So wrong!”

Luna’s neck snapped backwards, like something out of a horror movie. Her eyes glared at Anon.

“I am doing nothing wrong. Nothing!”

She hissed, her voice laced with venom.

“O-okay.”

“The answer’s bullets by the way. The best seasoning is bullets.”

“Wha—How do you even know what those are?!”

“You’re dreams of course. Quite the cesspool, I must say.”

“Wait, you were in my dreams?! Why---“

“But, thanks to that cesspool, I was able to acquire this.”

Luna drew a revolver out of her flowing mane and shot three rounds straight into the pan. Anon flinching at each shot.

“I like the iron it adds to the taste. Reminds me of blood. I do like my eggs with bit of kick.”

“Luna! You’re crazy!”

Luna shuddered. “Me? Crazy?”

“Yeah! Who the fuck mixes eggs and shells together! You sicko. I want to go home. Making breakfast with you is like watching a train wreck. In slow motion!”

“We lost so many shipments of eggs in train wrecks…” Luna whispered absentmindedly to herself.

“Uhh…okay. So, like, can you let me go home and, you know, make an actual breakfast were the eggs don’t have shell in them.”

Luna slowly craned her neck in the human’s direction.

It tilted like a question mark.

“Oh? Very well. Let’s make some cereal then.”

“Cereal? You mean like corn flakes?”

“Indeed.”

Luna grabbed a bowl using magic and left for the pantry. She withdrew some cornflakes and returned with a carton of milk.

Luna wet the cornflakes on a table and set Anon still strapped to the chair in front of the bowl.

Luna then poured the milk.

"Hey you actually did this right."

"I know I did. Just wait. It gets better."

"Huh? What do you mean wait? Are you going to add something to it?"

"Nope," Luna said with a devilish smile, making sure to pop the 'p'.

"Uh… so what are we waiting for?"

"For when it reaches perfection."

"What do you mean… it's ready now… if you wait any longer it'll get soggy…"

"...and delicious," Luna finished with a sickenly sweet smile.

Anon's thoughts paused.

Luna didn't eat her cornflakes crunchy and immediately.

Luna didn't eat her cornflakes in the correct manner.

Luna was waiting.

Luna was waiting for the milk and cornflake to mix and swirl.

Luna ate her cornflakes soggy.

The realization shattered Anon.

"You're fucking sick lady! Sick!"

"But look. Give it an hour or so. After then it'll be sooo delicious."

"Woman! It'll be mush in an hour!"

"Exactly."

"Sick! You're utterly sick! Depraved! You disgustingly illiterate philistine!"

Luna raised a yolk-and-shell-soaked hoof. She never wiped her hoof cleaned with a towel after crushing the eggs.

She pressed her hoof gently to Anon's cheek.

"Oh my dear Anon…"

Her hoof massaged Anon's cheek. Anon shuddered from the touch of yolk and uncooked whites with shells prickling his skin. "Luna… stop…"

"You know, I forgot to make the sausage…"

"Sausage? What are you going to do, fill them with straw and baking soda?"

"No. I'm going to warm up your sausage."

"Warm up my saus-"

Luna's hoof then proceeded in a direction Anon was intensely uncomfortable with.

"No! Stop! I don't want you to eat that! Please! Anything but that!"

"You know, I have a hard time starting my day without some sausage in me…"

Luna hovered her Anon.

A crazy, lustful look was in her eyes.

Then a voice came from upstairs.

"Luna? Are you cooking again?"

"Uh, yes sister I am!" Luna replied.

"Celes-"

Luna's smelly sock immediately gagged Anon quickly thrown into the pantry.

It was dark.

Anon was still tied to a chair.

Nothing more than an observer with Luna's sweet and delicious hoof sweat to taste.

"Hello sister. Good morning. Sleep well?" Anon could hear voices outside.

"Yes. I slept wonderfully. How's breakfast?"

"It's coming along…"

"Oh, Lulu. You got shell in the eggs again. You were always bad at cooking."

"Ha, yes. How's the cornflakes?"

"Hmm. Too mushy…are there any poptarts?"

"I think we ran out…"

"Hmm, I’m sure the staff restocked the other day so we should still have some poptarts in the pantry, I believe."

"W-wait! Celestia! Stop!"

The pantry door opened. A surge of light rushed to Anon's eyes.

Celestia stared deadpanned at Anon.

Anon stared back at Celestia. Luna's sock still in his mouth. Any words he formed were garbled up as an incoherent mess of sounds and syllables. Yolk and shell were still stuck to his face from Luna's delicate touch.

Celestia looked at Anon.

Anon looked at Celestia.

His tongue pressed against Luna's sock. The more he pressed as he tried to speak, the more the thick taste of Luna's sock sunk into his mouth.

“Celestia! Help me! Your sister's crazy!” Though it only came out as incoherent grumbles.

Celestia reached over.

Celestia picked up a box of poptarts.

And closed the door.

-Fin-

Author's Note

Statistically speaking, you have a 60% percent chance of being kidnapped by a crazy pony. That goes up to 90% if you're human. Breakfast is dangerous, my friends. But until then: