Author's Note
Another one of the hardest stories I've ever written and, by far, probably my most personal one of all. I hope you enjoy.
I'm Ready...
Creativity (One year for impact)
Captain’s blog:
Dear friend:
“I have been here in this cockpit for a long time... I can’t even remember how long it has been. The government has given me a new objective: explore the deeps of space, more specifically a wormhole that appeared in the Equestrian sky. Celestia and Luna have given me this mission to know what’s going on in our universe. I am here only with two boxes full of apple tea bags, two boxes of biscuits, an oxygen tank along with a mask, a small toilet cabin, a bed, a basic kitchen, a toolbox, a manual, some of my favorite books, some pictures from my family and friends and this recording camera as my only way of communication. I’m still adjusting to this new mechanisms.”
“I am here in front of you, pretending to speak to a crowd. Once again this is my only way of communication I’ve been in this spaceship for at least a year. My name is Moon Dancer, my parents are Pucker Crow and Hearthful Dove and they live in Canterlot, I have a sister, her name is Morning Roast. If anypony finds this camera you can keep it but deliver this recording to my parents... please. I pretend to be important for the world, but no. I’m just a pony in front of a camera with nothing more important to do, and I have long wanted to continue with this but I wonder something...”
“Am I reaching the limit of my head?”
“I used to be one of those who studied and studied ceaselessly. I wanted to be a teacher and I wanted to share my ideas once they were finished with everypony. I prepared an exposition of everything I knew about magic and its uses, the history, the users, the spells, it was a big day for me. I supposed I was ready. I wanted to make such a big impact, I thought it was time to leave my mark... but the rest told me the opposite. They told me that it was... okay, but I could improve, to get better and ask for help, everypony told me the same... even Twilight and Minuette. The first time I listened to them and got prepared for the next exposition. And they said the same things and I obeyed them. And I repeated again... and again... and again. As months passed, the chances were not better, and I persisted and I persisted. I was trapped in a vicious cycle, like no matter how much I improved I was never going to be accepted.”
I look down to the floor, to pretend I’m not paying attention to the camera.
“Watching how my friends are getting better and better, watching them having success in their lives makes me jealous... Twilight is a princess, Minuette’s a dentist, what am I compared to them?”
I look up and stare into the camera, the cold of space is not enough yet to freeze my body.
“I stand before you saying that maybe my time will come soon, I’ve seen this for a couple of years. There are times when one wants stuff to endure but sooner or later one must learn to let things go. My brain and my imagination need a rest.”
My cup of tea is empty. I refill and sip it, but it’s not enough. A comet passes next to me, and the stars keep their glow. My sweater is comfy, I hope it warms me a little bit longer, I put the mask of my oxygen tank on my face to breathe, but I don’t feel better. I feel drowsy and exhausted.
“I have striven to fit in this world but has never been enough, I try and I try, but I don’t see results. I feel bored, I feel surrounded by that wormhole I constantly see, and the clarity of light blinds me. My ideas don’t flow. There are times when one calls for greater leisure, but for myself, that crushes me. Sitting in a chair I limit my ideas and, as a result they are not totally shaped at all. I want to be with you all the time, I want this to last but I cannot keep it afloat. I want to continue but I’m delirious. Do I stay or not stay? Do I look or not look? Do I feel or do not feel?”
The wormhole is far away from the spaceship. I am safe... for now.
“Moon Dancer out.”
Family (Six months for impact)
Captain’s blog:
Dear friend:
“Watching at myself like this is driving me crazy. I get bored all day. I’m no longer conscious if it’s morning or evening. I’ve been modifying the internal temperature just to get warmed, my sweater is not enough anymore. There’s a comet that passes next to the spaceship every twenty four hours, today it arrived at 8:00. I nicknamed it ‘Rosalina’, maybe one day I’ll show it to you. Sometimes I imagine she accompanies and protects me, sometimes I feel she’s a pony I can talk to... unlike them.”
I try to smile, but my face feels so tight I can barely make facial expressions. I frown instead, it’s not what I wanted.
“I don’t know what to say about my family. My father constantly tells me the obvious of every situation and has his eyes on me. He bashes me with his insistence. His voice is still resounding in my head.”
‘Don’t talk alone. Get some exercise. Do something for yourself.’
“My mother is obsessed with Celestia and Luna, to the point of ignoring other ponies like her friends or her own family, except of course the ones who are as insane as her. She has never known to shut up. I know her passing will hurt me and I know I’m going to be banished to Tartarus by thinking in this but I just want to be calm around her. No discussions or rants, just to be in peace.”
“And my sister... I have the feeling that I don’t know her, despite of living in the same house for over twenty years. Well, I retract myself. I know something: I bear a grudge against her. She has planned the rest of her life. I mean she’s selling her foalhood to the highest bidder right now, I begged her to keep some of her plushies since I always looked at them as a family. She has finished her studies and is free to do whatever she wants, meanwhile I’m still stuck in Celestia’s school with little to no sign of progress. I went to her prom... it was supposed to be mine since I am the older sister... but life gave me a different route to follow. She’s free of worries... I’m not. She was born perfect... I’m not.”
“But on the other hoof, they have support me all this time. My father is still a guidance to me, sometimes I see myself in his stories and he makes me easier to comprehend my life, my mother is still the pony I can relate and share, no matter how hard my day was she’s always there to support me. My sister on the other hoof... I still haven’t met her. I need time. Her laugh is resounding in my head.”
My cup of tea is empty. I refill it and sip it but is not enough. I still wear my sweater for protection, I put the mask of my oxygen tank on my face to breathe, but I don’t feel better. I feel drowsy and exhausted.
“I feel submissive to all of them, I want to prove that I can achieve something, but bad habits do not fall apart after a while. I love them, but I can’t help but notice that my scar passes over the patch, the patch that covers much of my head and they try to heal. I feel lonely sometimes, they have been much of my inspiration to me. I love them, but also they limit me.”
My mind is constantly distracted with unrelated thoughts, I can no longer continue, you must concentrate I say. The wormhole is getting closer, and my biscuit box is getting empty. I think the spaceship has a gas leak. Perhaps it’s just an illusion, meanwhile, I continue.
“The display continues to shine while the battery is still active, I hope they understand me. They tried to stop me and I know their worries, but they must respect my choice. I love you. I expected to be one of the great, but apparently that has not happened, and I have wanted to imply a fool, but I ignore them. I’m not with offense to anyone, I only want to speak to an audience that doesn’t exist and a camera that is not really there, my whole life has been like this.”
“Moon Dancer out.”
Existentialism (Three months for impact)
Captain’s blog:
Dear friend:
“Rosalina came at 9:30. She’s the only light in this room, trying to move freely. My mask, not my oxygen mask but my real one, constantly reminds me that desire to be somepony else, because that want to be and do not want somepony else to feel what I felt in my time: all those taunts, all these nicknames, all this lack of support, all the harshness that is in the world, all this reflected in only fifteen years of my short life, I never know if there will be a tomorrow. Why does society says introversion is a bad thing? It’s not my fault that I’m like this.”
“I fear the future and what it holds for me, I want to continue, but I try too hard to flow my ideas. I feel like I’m talking to nothing, hoping that they come to me, because my imprisonment is my own head which no one goes in or out. I’m ashamed to say I cannot create anything new, my wording leaves much to be desired, I don’t have clearly defined my goals afloat. And what will be behind curtain number three? Loneliness? Depression? I thought I got rid of them long ago but you never know when they strike back. The irony is that I do nothing to fight it, just stare at myself a screen so that they encourage my day if possible.”
“Do you ever feel that all days are the same? Why will I be glad if then I’ll be sad? Why I’ve to wake up if then I’ll go to bed? Why I brush my hair if then I ruffled it? Why I have to go if then I have to come back later? Why start if then everything will finish? What will you do when I’m gone? What will they do when I’m gone? What will Equestria do when I’m gone? Why am I so afraid of change? Why can’t I just believe my tomorrow will be better? Why do I think everyone has more triumph than me? Why am I so late compared to the rest of my generation? Why do I have the feeling of have been born in the wrong time?”
“I try to break the mold, but every time I guess I’ve succeed something happens that backfires me. I got fired from my first job... I got fired BEFORE I’ve been given a chance. And everything was my fault. I cried that night, cried a river or an ocean.”
I giggle and cry, for laughter or pain, I don’t know.
“How cute it was all in the past, everything was simpler. They say life is not about the destination, but the journey instead. To make friends along the way, the search of meaning is the thing that gives a purpose to us. To find your own way to enjoy it. I’ve been changing routes so often that I no longer know where I’m going. Therefore, I’m tired of travelling, I’m tired of recording myself every single day or night just because I have to. I don’t want to continue this blog, but it's my duty.”
I stop and get more serious. My head aches. The cockpit is getting empty, no food or drink, I’m starving. The tank is almost empty. The spaceship is tearing apart but I really don’t care, I sit down again and continue. My eyelids are fatigued. I guess everypony has been watching me all this time so... I decide to give them a message.
“It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, life has no rules. You can make the best or worst of it. I hope you take the best of it. I hope you see things that surprise you, I hope you feel things that you’ve never felt before, I hope you meet ponies different than you, I hope you’re proud of who you are and if not, I hope you do the contrary of me: having the strength within to start again.”
I take a deep breath and sighed. The wormhole is getting closer.
“Moon Dancer out.”
Loneliness (One day for impact)
Captain’s blog:
Dear friend:
After some months, I stopped going to Celestia’s School, I have no motivation to continue going there. I barely move, and when I do, it’s just to go the restroom.
‘You can’t continue like this, Moon Dancer!’
‘You need help! Let me help you!’
That’s what Rosalina said when she came to my spaceship at 10:15. Quickly she noticed the overall sloppy room. I wanted to wake up and welcome her but I was so uninterested that I didn’t care. She tried to drag me out of my spaceship and she failed.
Recently one of her most important meetings occurred. She invited all of her friends, including me. My carcass was so lazy that I neglected her. I should’ve been there for her as she has been for me, I failed her, I betrayed her. She’s my friend... more than a friend. Maybe she will survive without me, maybe she will remember me, maybe not. Who knows?
“I can barely keep my eyes open. I can’t remember my old life. I can’t even remember who am I supposed to be. Time consumes everything, and little by little, you forgot the taste of bread, the sound of birds, the colors of the wind, the smell of water. Everything... to the point of forgetting your own name.”
“Between laughter and crying I always expect a response that will never come, I just want to have enough confidence to take off this mask even if it means dying and losing my identity completely. I’m still here looking at the camera, I imagine my audience is still there, I pretend to be live in front of everyone giving this to reach as many ponies as possible. I’m confused. And the truth is... the truth is... I don’t matter. I believe my punishment is to being a living undead, waiting the calling, and in the meantime, enjoy her time in this world.”
“We know sadness is an important part of our life, and we can’t deny or control it but sometimes it gets out of control. There are times when we feel down for an event that affected our life in a way permanently. You feel trapped in a box, you can’t escape from this vortex, you can’t do more things and in some ways you’re starting to believe you can’t get out of there.”
“Many ponies say that you have to talk to others about this to feel better, my dad says to do exercise or workout so the adrenaline can make you feel better. But what happens when you don’t want to know anything? You only want to be alone even if you are conscious that’s not going to work. You know what you have to do, but you don’t care anyway. From failure to not feeling yourself useful, from end a relationship to losing somepony you love, it’s hard not to get in the darkness. You only have one, one opportunity to change things.”
I stare into the camera, I suppose it's my first reaction in a long time.
“Sometimes, a shadow never leaves you even when there’s no light. Sometimes, it beats you down over and over. Sometimes, you believe you don’t belong to this world. Sometimes, it’s that moment when you look upon the stars and question your role on the planet. It follows you as you try to run and hide, but it always finds you. It drowns you and you feel that you can’t breathe. Nopony will ever truly understand you.”
“I want to be the ignorant I was back then, the future is scary. I feel awful saying this after all the times I had said that I would keep going or that I had stuff planned, and even worse for keeping everypony waiting this long to hear something, and the guilt is honestly getting to be unbearable. I appreciate everypony who has been showing interest from time to time, because that was the only thing that made me want to do all this to begin with.”
The wormhole is just one step away. It’s waiting for my arrival.
“...Out.”
Acceptance (Impact day on Equestria)
Captain’s blog:
Dear friend:
My voice is getting monotone, I can only see a fragment of light in front of me. The source: the wormhole. But I’m no longer interested in my mission, why was I here in the first place anyway? When you’ve been in this for so long the abyss is getting deeper, maybe it’s time to let things go.
“11:45. Rosalina didn’t come. Now I am truly alone. I’ve been thinking: everything makes sense now. It’s me, I am the cause of all my problems. I decided this, I decided everything since I was a zygote. I hate this spaceship and all the things in it but very soon I’ll free, the wormhole is getting closer, the gravitational pull is getting stronger. I’m tired of pretending to be somepony I’m not, I’m tired of my fears and insecurities. I’ll be next to all the decisions I have made and all those ponies whom I have touched their lives, which I hope they have stayed with me all this time. I enjoyed our time together and, for one last time, I’d wish them to accompany me one last time in my imagination and in my dreams.”
“In space, time travels so slow, you can live a century or even less, but here a hundred years it’s just a blink. My chest hurts, I know what it is coming, it’s like the heart of a hummingbird. I’m cold, my sweater is useless, not even the sun can warm me up. I read my books, but there’s nothing there. I drink a cup of apple tea, but I’m out of supplies. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like all I can do is breathing the rest of my oxygen tank to keep me from breaking apart, even if I know this is damaging me. Minuette’s gone. And I just can’t talk with Twilight or my sister or anypony in my family about this.”
“Mom, Dad, I’d like to say that I enjoy our time together and I haven’t valued you enough. I love you all and I’ll be always with you. Sister, forgive me for everything. For not listening to you, for not spending time with you... for knowing nothing about you despite living in the same house for over twenty years.”
“I chose this life, sooner or later I will vanish. It was my decision and nothing more. I won’t allow any pony to pay for my mistakes. Imagination is my world, reality is my fantasy. Illusion is my hobby, harshness is my job.”
“Some ponies are meant to travel through time, some go to another dimension, some have talent to make laugh, some fly, some know apples, some know fashion, some are caregivers and some ponies are princesses.”
I make a pause and stare into the camera.
“I’m sorry, but I have to stop this recording now.”
“But first, I want to thank you for being one of those ponies who listens and understands. I really mean it, and I’m sorry I’ve put you through this when you don’t even know who I am, and we’ve never met face to face, and I can’t tell you who I am because I promised to keep all those little secrets. And even though I didn’t know you, I felt like I did because you sounded like such a good pony. The kind of pony who would understand how they were better than a blog in a cockpit in a spaceship, because there is communion and a diary can be found. I just don’t want you to worry about me, or think that you’ve met me, or waste your time anymore. I’m so sorry that I wasted your time because you really do mean a lot to me, and I hope you have a very nice life because I really think you deserve it. I really do. I hope you do, too.”
“I want to thank all of you for having enlightened me in my life. I would like to see you grow, I would like to take care of you, I would like to know when you will need my help, I would like to laugh with you, I would like to cry with you and I would like to see you on another dimensional plane. You were the best but it’s time to leave... Good night…”
“Goodbye.”
*BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*
