Ponyville Tourism

by UnluckyReaver

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Lyra, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Anthro, Main 6
Length: 2323

After submitting his article to a well respected tourism magazine gets rejected, the author resorts to drinking his woes away in the local bar.

After submitting his article to a well respected tourism magazine gets rejected, the author resorts to drinking his woes away in the local bar.

Published 2016-11-30 00:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-30 00:40:01 UTC

A mare walks into a bar

“You OK there?” Lyra asked her drinking buddy. “You’ve been going at this pretty hard.”

“This is not hard.” Nathan answered. “I’ve never drink hard.”

“Yes you do. You are right now.”

“No. It only looks that way from your perspective. I am a human, and as such I can drink so much more that you can.”

“That can’t be true.”

“Maybe not, but pony alcohol is weak. Far weaker than even the weakest of human brews!”

“Really?” Lyra deadpanned, not believing the human.

“Really. Even our water has more of a kick then your liquor does.”

“Come on, that’s the third pitcher you’ve put away since I walked in. What’s got you so down?”

“Down? I’m not down, I’m terrific; it’s not like all of my work for the last month was wasted or anything.” Nathan replied, then looked at the empty pitcher. “That’s not right. Barkeep! More!”

“Yes, I know that part,” Lyra rolled her eyes. “I want to know why.”

“Why? There is no why. We are the amber of the moment. Nothing more I will teach you today.”

“Which famous human are you quoting now?”

“Yoda Vonnegut.”

“Humans are strange. You’re strange.”

“Says the anthropony. Where do you come from?!”

“Well, when a stallion and a mare love each other…” Lyra teased.

“That’s not what I mean. Why are there small, quadruped ponies like Pinkie Pie if there is also bipedal ponies like you.”

“Magic?”

“Magic is a stupid answer.”

“Alcohol?”

“Yes… that is the answer. Alcohol makes everything work. I require more.” Nathan nodded as he tried to get the bartender’s attention once again.

“So, why did happen?”

“I turned in my article on Ponyville tourism.”

“And?”

“He said it was the most astounding work of fiction he’s ever seen; and then went on to say if I was not going to take my job seriously, he would find somepony else that would.”

“What did you say?”

“Let me think…” Nathan took a long swig out of the pitcher he was drinking directly from. “I started simply, talked about how Ponyville is a nice quiet community. Lots of lovely scenery and nature for the artist. Talked about the various hiking trails and campgrounds for the outdoorsy types. Then for the athletes out there, I talked about the fields and lakes, and open skies.”

“That sounds nice.”

“Then I added a bit about how this was the hometown of Rainbow Dash, the first griffon to be accepted into the Wonderbolts.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“That’s what I said. Anyway, the next part I talked about the town itself, the places to eat, where to stay, the places to visit. I listed off several must see places; that one bakery run by the changeling family…”

“Sugar Cube Corner?”

“Yup, that one. I brought up Sweet Apple Acres, and the best time to visit them is during cider season, but only if you are willing to arrive early and spend you entire day there.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“I don’t know, maybe Equestrian Tourism has a thing against werewolves. For the animal lovers out there, I talked about how the local vampony, Fluttershy, has opened a small petting zoo.”

“You didn’t!”

“It was here idea. Something about needing to be more confident with strangers, and really needing the money. For the more sophisticated and upper class, I talked about Carousel Boutique and how this was the original one that Rarity founded was right here.”

“That didn’t go over well?”

“Not at all. I would have thought that an arachnopony as famous as Rarity is would be a big draw. I was wrong. Finally I talked about that tree-castle-thing that the resident princess calls home. How it somehow grew from the ground, and now Princess Friendship and the Heroes of Friendship all gather there for important Friendship stuff.”

“Really?”

“That and how the palace’s tour guide is a ‘miniature dragon’.”

“Miniature dragon’?”

“I was going to say giant lizard, but Spike is cool, even if he is just a lizard with dragon aspirations.”

“Wait, you didn’t tell them about Princess Twilight, did you?”

“Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure I called her an alicorn.”

“Nathan….” Lyra glared at the human

“Look, I’m not stupid. I’m not going to reveal the national secret that she’s actually a sapient shade of purple.”

“Good.”

“She wants to do it herself.”

“What?”

“Yeah, it’s the highlight of the tour.”

Lyra facepalmed. “Of course it is.”

“You should go, it’s quite the experience.”

“Yeah… no.”

“Your loss. Next, I hit the big one; the Everfree Forest. I went on and on how scary it was. How only the most adventureful,”

“Most adventureful?”

“Most bravest,”

“Really?”

“And the most without the fear of being eaten alive should go there.”

“Are you sure they didn’t want you to fix your grammar?”

“I said if they were of the true explorer spirit they would venture into the trees and find the old castle of the two sisters; now currently occupied by the disembodied spirit of Nightmare Moon.”

“You said that?”

“I do not lie whist informing the general public of great tour and adventure locations.” Nathan deadpanned before draining the pitcher. “It would be morally incorrect to do so.”

“Finally, I finished the whole article about the numerous events, public celebrations, and occasional monster attack.”

“So, what are you going to do?” Lyra asked.

“I don’t now. They have some editor changing the whole thing!”

“Really? That doesn't seem fair.”

"Nope. Not only that, but they are reducing my word count."

"By how much?"

“One.” Nathan held up one finger.

“One? That doesn't seem so bad."

"No, not by one, down two one."

"What?"

“Yup.”

“What does it say now?”

“Unremarkable.”

“Unremarkable?”

“Un...re....markable.”

“You’re drunk.”

“Drunkenness only enhances the truth!”

“Now you’re being ridiculous.” Lyra groaned.

“You want ridiculous? I’ll give you ridiculous!” Nathan dropped a dozen or so bits onto the counter then marched out the door. Lyra blinked, the quickly chased after him.

The anthropony found her human friend in the middle of the street holding Pinkie Pie in his arms. “What are you doing?” Lyra demand.

“Here you go.” Nathan said, dropping Pinkie Pie into the anthropony’s arms.

“Why are you giving me Pinkie Pie?” Lyra asked.

“Easy, you wanted ridiculous, so I gave it to you.”

“She’s ridiculous?”/”I’m ridiculous?” Lyra and Pinkie asked at the same time.

“Yes. In a town full of anthro, aracnoi, werewolves, vampony, satyrs, minotaurs, lizards and sapient colours, why are you the only normal pony?”

Author's Note

The quote that Nathan uses is actually a mixture of Kurt Vonnegut and Yoda.

“There is no WHY, since the moment simply is, and since all of us are simply trapped in the moment, like bugs in Amber.”

Kurt Vonnegut

"No, no, there is no 'why'. Nothing more I will teach you toady."

-Yoda

First Draft

Sitting in the valley beneath the Canterlot Mountains, Ponyville is a peaceful almost serene place. It’s warm and welcoming atmosphere makes it a wonderful place to go, for a day, or a week, or a lifetime.

The first things people will see when arriving at this little town, it one of their many celebrations isn’t happening (more on that later), is the large number of beautifully maintained gardens and flowerbeds. Each one boasting a variety of arrangements and plantlife, dutifully maintained by an army of breezies and bugponies. A stroll down the streets will inspire even the most dedicated floral arranger or botanist.

As for the occupants of the village itself, they are diverse and welcoming as the scenery. It is nearly impossible to go more than a dozen steps without meeting someone with a friendly smile and a cheerful attitude. That is not to say that this little town is all flash; spend any amount of time here and the true soul of Ponyville is its people.

Once you exit the station, one of the first places for any traveler to go is the local bakery and cafe, Sugar Cube Corner. This building is not hard to find, since, like most buildings in Ponyville, its appearance directly reflects what lays within. Housed within a large gingerbread house, this small cafe is often the go-to spot within the town. Although it is not a spacious as the large cafes you would find in Manehattan or Canterlot, Sugar Cube Corner boasts a cozy feel without seeming small or cramped. The owners, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, a lovely pair of changelings, pour love (and sugar) into everything they make. I can honestly say that in my stay here I have yet to eat something of theirs that I was not immediately delighted by.

If you are not interested in small cafe life, then perhaps one of Ponyville’s many open fields, parks, or paths is for you. The Whitetail Woods, located on Ponyville’s northern side, is home to a large number of tracks and paths; perfect for an afternoon stroll or the distance runner trying to get one more day of training in. Inside the town itself, you can find several small parks, each one ideal for spending an afternoon lazing under the sun. If sports is more your thing, Ponyville’s western end holds a number of field and courts. Here someone could play almost any sport imaginable. From the basketball and tennis courts, to the skate park, to the aerial stunt course, to the lake, it would be hard to imagine that any enthusiast would go wanting. As an added bonus, those visiting Ponyville during the Wonderbolts off season may be fortunate enough to encounter Rainbow Dash. The griffon, and Wonderbolt, is often found here while visiting her small town home, giving tips and encouragement to the next generation of flyers.

That being said, it does not mean Ponyville has nothing for the fashion forward socialite. Lady Rarity, the aracniopony behind Carousel Boutique, that she hails from this small “backwoods” town. For anyone that wants a piece of the latest fashion craze, or to start the next fashion craze, this lovely shop is a must. Taking the time to understand each of client's own style and personality, mixed with her unparalleled skill, a dress from Carousel Boutique is guaranteed to be the talk of every event.

For the more family oriented visitor, Fluttershy’s Small Zoo is the place to go. This recent addition, run by the local vampony, holds animal exhibits that many major city zoos would be envious of. Its unique open design, where all of the inhabitants are free to intermingle with each other (and the guests) can be a little foreboding at first, but after the first bearhug delivered by an actual bear, any doubts that any guests may have quickly dissipate. Perhaps the must-see event here, however, is the songbird choir; an astounding ensemble of two dozen birds serenading the crowd.

Keeping with the family oriented places to go, Sweet Apple Acres is one place everyone should visit, even if they are here without family. The large orchard, run by the Apple family going back to its founding, holds a number of small activities and events. Ranging from self apple picking to classes on baking with all things apple, there is something for the inner farmer in all of us. One note however, if you are planning on visiting Sweet Apple Acres keep in mind that they are closed the day before, day of, and day after the full moon.

The last, and certainly not least, place to visit is Castle Friendship. This crystal tower sits in the exact center of Ponyville, and can been easily seen in every direction. This impressive structure is home to Twilight Sparkle, the recently coronated princess of friendship. Tours are given twice a day, once in the morning and once in the afternoon, by a friendly miniature dragon. Anyone interested in Equestria's history should take this tour.

Should your standard tourism not be attractive to you, Ponyville holds almost weekly celebrations. In a town where everyone knows everyone and every birthday is as celebrated as grandly as the Summer Sun Celebrations, this unassuming little town can bring out the party animal in anyone. If you are considering having a birthday party in Ponyville, be sure to book in advance, as balloons are limited. If parties aren’t your thing, be on the lookout for random monster attacks, and a chance to see the local heroes in action.

Now, if everything that I have mentioned above is of no interest to you, and you are the type who seeks out excitement and adventure for your vacation, Ponyville does have something to offer; the Everfree Forest. This monster filled, chaos ruled land sits on the eastern edge of Ponyville. I feel compelled to warn you, the Everfree is not for families, or for the average traveler. The risk of being eaten by a manticore or turned to stone by a cockatrice is very real. Only those willing to risk the extreme danger should even consider it; and only after talking with the local authorities should you even think about enter the Everfree. However, if you feel that the risk is worth it, you will be well rewarded. The Everfree is home to many sights that cannot be found anywhere else in Equestria. From the self controlled weather, to the unique flora and fauna, to the numerous ruins that dot its expanse, the Everfree contains numerous mysteries and wonders. One final warning, if you approach the Castle of the Two Sisters, be sure to have some form of offering to the spirit that lives there, or else risk never returning.

In conclusion, Ponyville is a quaint little town that has something for everyone and is a must for any traveler to visit.

I am Nathan the Wandering Human, and I hope to see you at one of Pinkie Pie’s parties.

Final Draft

Uneventful