Starlight Glimmer's New Diary

by Amethyst_Crystal

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Drama, Trixie, Spike, Starlight Glimmer, Princess Celestia
Length: 9748

Starlight Glimmer shares her new diary scrolls with Twilight Sparkle.

Starlight Glimmer felt pretty awkward sharing her super depressing and psychologically unnerving old logbook with Twilight Sparkle, but it was for the best to give her teacher greater insight into her student.

Now she has left a gift of many scrolls, her new diary entries,
made since she first began learning under Twilight's friendship tutelage.

She hopes that Twilight finds this particular insight a bit more encouraging...
At least, comparatively so!

Published 2016-11-25 07:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-01-05 03:35:06 UTC

Eleven Scrolls

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

Enclosed in this box, you will find the first nine entries of my new diary, each on separate scrolls.
Well technically, it's more like eleven entries, I had split the last one in three parts.

These diary entries are much less... unpleasant. Sometimes a bit angsty, I guess.
But overall still lovely compared to the old one.
I decided parchment scrolls would be a better format after my old book, since I can store them here in the castle easily.

These have been written from shortly after I began my training as your pupil of Friendship,
up until the night after the events during the Crystalling of your niece Princess Flurry Heart.

I have further entries around, but I felt like it would be better to share them in portions, for thematic reasons.
Well, also I'm nervous to share them all at once...
Too shy to share the most recent stuff.

Hoping these give you some greater insight into my thoughts and understandings.
Thank you for all your help and guidance.
I'm glad you are my true friend.

Your faithful student,
Starlight Glimmer

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1

Hello Diary. My name is Starlight Glimmer.

I want to treat you more kindly than my last one.
This is meant to be for new beginnings, new possibilities of life.

So for starters, I have to get some big things off my mind.
I was wrong.
I thought I knew the truth of the world, of myself.
But the only thing I really knew was my own fears and insecurities.

I have been laughing and crying off and on most of today. I am a whirlwind of emotions.
Nothing of my past world was real. I can't believe what a little foal I've been, for so many years.

Because now, Twilight Sparkle is my best friend. If I had written that even twelve hours ago, I'd know I've lost my mind.
Instead, it would seem I've finally found it again.
Twilight Sparkle was never my enemy... no, my own ego and pride were my true adversaries.

She didn't have to reach out to help me either, diary.
That alicorn had every reason and right to hate me, for what I've done to her.
But instead, she offered her compassion and understanding.
Twilight told me that I can still make friends, without forcing them to be my friends.

She was the last pony I wanted to be friends with.
But when she offered... I couldn't refuse.
There was no happiness left in my world.
Only grief, uncertainty, fear. I am tired of all the pain.
I would rather try and live a new life.

So, here I am. Have my own room in Twilight's Castle.
Already teleported most of my stuff into here, which isn't much,
having been a vagabond for quite awhile again recently.

Still... this is just absurd. I can't believe this is happening.
My sworn enemy is now my best friend. Heheheh... Oh Starlight. Why are you so... confused.

I need to trust her now. Twilight understands true friendship. I do not. I never did.
All those lies I told ponies in Our Town.
All the pain and suffering I've caused.
Twilight should have sentenced me to Tartarus.

Why do I get another chance?
Do I really deserve one after all?

Well.
This has been an awkward start, diary.
Maybe things will be more clear next time.

For now, I need to go see Twilight and her friends.
They want to begin my Friendship Initiation Rites.

Wish me luck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2

Wow.
Lessons today were a lot more awkward than I was hoping.
I keep getting weird looks from the others, and disappointed confusion goes both ways.
They try to teach me what they call 'basics' of social life,
yet it seems to elude me completely.

Pinkie Pie tried to teach me to laugh more 'sincerely'.
Applejack tried to help me relax and not be so 'uptight' even while working.
Rarity tried to show me how to be more graceful and self-aware.
Fluttershy tried to give me insight into true kindness.

Rainbow Dash outright told me to stop being so... controlling.
Am I really? I never thought about that. I felt really bad when she said so.
I'm really worried now. Am I controlling? That's terrible. She must be exaggerating, right?

But maybe she is right. Maybe I try to make ponies do what I want too much.
Is that really true, though? I want ponies to do what's best for them.
It just so happens that I know the... oh.
Well, I guess I need to be more self aware of what I say and do, after all.

Twilight Sparkle bid the others to leave me be after awhile.
She seemed really concerned. 'What's wrong? Are you okay?'
Well no, I was not okay. None of this failed training was okay.

This is humiliating, infuriating! I can't believe I'm even doing these stupid lessons!
How can I be so incompetent at friendship, when I was able to lead so many other ponies into thinking I'm a master of it?
Why is it that I panic about real friendship, the kind that has true honesty, loyalty, kindness, laughter, and generosity?

I thought I knew what true friendship could be. But it seems I haven't any idea at all.
Then Twilight told me 'To calm down and try to see from new perspectives'.
Then I cried that none of her friends liked me.
They were all being passive-aggressive and resentful.
I just knew it.

Twilight had that quirky smirk on her face, and her sass went into overdrive.
'Please don't misunderstand, they were just being cautious and considerate.
We've been developing a habit of friendliness towards former enemies, you see.
It's just easier to get along that way. Count yourself lucky for us being used to it by now.'

She was actually giggling! I still had tears in my face and I just stared at her.
I was so confused and intimidated.

Twilight Sparkle noticed, I think she even flinched.
Suddenly, her huge wings unfurled, and swooped out to wrap me up in a big warm hug.
'You should stop covering your eyes with fear,' she said much more gently.
'Try to see others more clearly. Trust me, it's not easy when you start a loner,' she confided, smiling down at me.

That was the first time I felt really safe and relaxed in a long while.
You don't always succeed to comfort, but when you do, you do so wonderfully.
Thank you, Twilight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3

I am easily distracted by the task at hand.
Too easily.
I obsess especially over... unpleasant things.
Twilight tells me to stop focusing so much study on dark magic, on mind control, on power.
She says I should resist such interests for now.
She has an obvious frown when she says so.

But I crave the darkness. The power. I know I can master it... eventually.
Why has it always been difficult for me to do so?

I have been revisiting my old history lessons recently.
Luna took power when she wanted it.
Luna took it, and became a new creature entirely, Nightmare Moon.
Why not I, then...

Unfortunately I'm too weak, and so was she.
And the same pony defeated both of us.
My new teacher, Twilight Sparkle.

I was afraid of her before. I still am.
Being reminded of all the powerful creatures she and her friends have defeated only enhances that fear.
But it is a cautious, respectful fear.

I do not wish to cross Twilight Sparkle.
She shattered my vision with her truth before.
Who knows what would happen next time I defied her?

Ugh, I shouldn't think like this.
I need to knock it off with this brooding angst.
No dark magic, then.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

4

Sometimes it is easy to miss friendship lessons in the most obvious places.
Right under my nose, someone wanted to be my close friend.

It's just, how was I to know? They act so abrasive, aloof towards me.
Apparently they are just 'cool' and like that with everypony?

I mean, I'm glad she does like me after all. She seems like a nice pony underneath the 'coolness'.

But it scares me that I didn't know or understand, that she really did want to be friends.
How can I learn friendship, if I can't even recognize it?

But I will keep trying anyway.
Because that is my sworn duty right now.
To develop and enhance my friendship capabilities.

Everypony said not to worry too much about it though.
Rainbow Dash's aura of coolness requires interpretation perhaps a bit advanced for a friendship initiate such as myself.
I do find this 'coolness' fascinating though, and perhaps I can cultivate it to enhance my own charisma.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

5

Twilight says that soon I will have my first big official friendship lesson, now that I have nearly finished these warm-up exercises.
These lessons with her closest friends, who were all all actively aware of my rehabilitation process.
I suppose they don't count as lessons, then.
I mean. They do, because the Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash & Rarity didn't have to do this.
So they were friendship training lessons but not the big lessons.
Oh, whatever. You know what I mean, diary.

Anyway, I feel like I'm making progress when she phrases things that way.
She appreciates a calculating, organized mind like mine, I think. Perhaps because she is the same way.

It is strange how similar we are to each other, and I do still feel wary about Twilight's cutie mark.
WHY is it so like mine? I asked her the other day, tried my best not to make any fuss, just casual, you know?

She simply giggled and shrugged and said, 'Well, now we're working together on magic and friendship, aren't we?'
It was really sweet of her, and it made me feel better.
Maybe things are that simple.

But a little later, I saw her eyes as flew off to see Applejack.
She looked really worried about something.
I'm sorry Twilight. I should have known you'd be concerned by such a question... if you weren't already thinking it yourself.

It was in that moment I first realized how, despite being similar in mindset to me, she was much stronger than me.
Because I did not even know that she could worry, in the way I worry. Because she did not want me to worry about her, too.

Is that what friendship is? A constant mask, a disguise?
Or is it just the self-stability and grace to not unduly influence others with negative emotion?
Does that make it a lie? No. Just withholding pain of new truths when it is not, appropriate to do so.
Empathy?

Sometimes I feel like I learn more from my teacher by studying who she is,
more so than what she guides me to do.
Hmm.

Oh, I totally forgot my original point now.
Sorry, diary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

6

To be honest, this castle gives me the creeps.
For a castle of an Organized Order of Friendship & Magic, seeded by the ancient tree of Harmony(!), it is highly chaotic in nature.
At least, it seems that way, to me.
This Living Magic Tree Fortress.

There are so many hallways and doors and rooms.
I swear I should remember the orientation of the layout by now.
Yet it is ever-shifting, twisting, evolving, re-patterning.

I have complained quite bluntly with both Twilight and Spike about it.
Neither alicorn nor dragon has given me any satisfying response, usually just petty teasing for getting lost.

No, this place is unnatural and unsettling. Yet it is a living domain, is it not?
What if this is in fact a second Tree of Harmony?
Or perhaps a hybrid Tree of Balance?

It is certainly orderly too.
After all, the rooms themselves don't really change.
It's the hallways.
That's why I hate walking around in here.

I remember when I was lost in those cold cavern tunnels for weeks on end.
My only salvation was having put hidden rations near the entrance ahead of time,
with foresight for plans of mapping out the caverns.

Before the insurrection at our town.
The insurrection against my rule.
Instigated by Fluttershy, led by Twilight...

Anyway, I didn't starve.
But I did go mad.
Truly mad.
More-so than the now obvious passive madness I've had for the past many, many years.
Ever since the day that...
Well...

Maybe it's better to get lost in hallways...
so that I don't get lost in memories...
unless the memories haunt me there, too.

At least I am no longer wasting my mind away, deep in that desert, before founding Our Town.
There was no easy way out, in the eternal expanse of sky and sand.
Hiding on a lonely island oasis, of inner peace, and no growth.

But sometimes, I do miss that time in my life.
The soft wind in the palm leaves and ferns.
The crystal clear magical waters of the pool.
The delicious fruits and flowers.
Selfish, solitary contentment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

7

I remember now.
The first friendship lesson I shall have, since I'm done with training.
My very first big test, to prove myself ready to follow the path of true friendship.
My first chance to really make myself a better pony.

The hallways in my mind have recoiled, pushing backwards, narrowing, shortening.
All the doors have been shutting, crashing, clanging.
As Princess Twilight Sparkle narrows down the cards she'll play for my fate,
then she shows what she is holding.

And now there are only 3 doors in front of me.
And only walls behind and beside me.

The doors on either side make me uncomfortable, for being my first serious lesson, if nothing else.
The door right in front of me, which I keep trying to avert my eyes from...
this door makes me afraid.

I cannot believe there is a one in three chance this door opens to my lesson.
I cannot believe who she chose.
My first friendship lesson. It may as well be my last.

Princess Twilight Sparkle might order me to rekindle my friendship with...
Sunburst.

This really isn't fair.
I did not expect her to be so cruel. Or oblivious.
Maybe I was wrong about her. Maybe she doesn't understand friendship.

But Twilight really was hurt by me in the past... so I still do not know it either.
Why is this happening to me?

Should I trust in Twilight still? Maybe I should just talk to her, like Spike suggested.
But I really don't want to let her down.
Twilight gave me a new chance to be myself. My real self.
The pony I want to be.
But it's difficult getting to know myself when I'm so busy trying to be friends with everypony.

Is this going to help me know myself better... by confronting my deepest fear?

Sunburst is at fault for everything.
I hate him and I'm scared of him.
I don't want to see him again.
Its all your fault, Sunburst!

No! No, that's not true!
I can't keep lying to myself like that.

I have to admit, diary...
It is my fault that I became this way!
I am to blame! I have just used Sunburst as a scapegoat my whole life!

I can't see him, not because of fear... it's because of shame!

Please Twilight, don't make me do this...
I had such high hopes for learning about friendship with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

8

Now the left and right door have fallen away, leaving behind the one I feared most, dead center.

I wanted to scream at Twilight.
A cry of absolute terror and resentment.
The wailing frustration of my soul.

'How could you pour anxiety onto me, and then deliver my worst fears?'
I desperately wanted to shriek, right there on the balcony, no matter how many ponies heard.

But I kept it all to myself, diary.
Because I want to prove to Twilight I am strong like her, too, that I can resist giving my pain when I shouldn't.
I want to trust in her judgment.
I can do this. I can. Twilight believes in me, after all.

Spike still says to talk with her about it though.
How does this little dragon always have the most sensible ideas?

Maybe I should talk to her still... I am absolutely terrified after all...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

9a

Today has been productive and rejuvenating!
Although of course there were many hazards around the way.

Like coping with my fear of seeing Sunburst again.
I tried over and over to convince Twilight to drop the lesson,
in favor of focusing the visit on her new royal niece in the Crystal Empire.
Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor's filly.

How convenient that Sunburst would reside there now. Ugh.
I just don't get it, why should I have to deal with this?
How good is a friendship lesson when it stresses me out so much.

I tried to appeal to Twilight one more time on the train, but in response she assigned one of her enormous checklists to me,
for optimum efficiency in my personal task.
It did NOT reassure me to see so many words about reuniting with Sunburst.

When I thought it couldn't get any worse, I was denied relief within reach!
Princess Twilight's brother, Prince Shining Armor, was totally out of it, exhausted from the new baby,
and Twilight had just decided to postpone my lesson after all...

When Spike opened his big mouth and suggested taking the checklist and acting as my supervisor in Twilight's stead.
Thanks, Spike. Really appreciated that save there. Or rather, the opposite of one!
I wanted to get out of this, and now I was being forced to see Sunburst anyway.

Oh, um. I guess this makes it sound like I really didn't like any of today, and lied in my initial statement for this entry, diary.
But really, I'm just trying to recapture my feelings at the given time.
For reflection.

Anyway, we had passed by a statue of Spike... a STATUE of Spike!
I asked him what the heck that was all about. Seemed so strange to me.

Well, and I also sought to undo his task. I wished to evade my lesson.
And if that meant manipulating those around me, the way I used to.
Then so be it…

I'm sorry, diary. I'm not proud of how I felt at the time. I was very upset.
I felt like my thoughts and feelings didn't matter...
Because I was still a bad pony.

Yes, that's right diary.
I wasn't just wrong. I was bad too.
I don't like to talk about it. I don't tell anypony about it.
I've never told her, but... I think Twilight knows. I'm sure of it.
She knows everything about me. More than I know about myself.

This friendship lesson has just reminded me of that.
Is this why Twilight seems genuinely afraid of Princess Celestia sometimes?
Is it normal to be scared of your teacher's knowledge and power? Is it okay?

Twilight has never threatened me. Never.
I mean, okay, back when we first met. And definitely the second time we met.
Given the threatening and dangerous circumstances I forced Twilight into each time,
I think it would be reasonable for me to just let it slide.
But not the third time we met, or ever since she shattered my boundaries of hate, and took me in for comfort and rehab.

Sure Twilight is scary. But I also think she's really good, and that makes me feel... hopeful.
Heheh. I guess this is the consequence of bottled up emotions, diary. I mean, come to think of it,
I was a lot more emotive today than usual though.
I guess these are aftershocks or something.

Uh, where was I.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

9b

So Spike turns out to have saved the empire from King Sombra.
Again, I felt a tinge of jealousy. Nightmare Moon, King Sombra. Two masters of darkness.
I have always wanted to master those arts, but I couldn't get the hang of it.

Maybe it's best I didn't. I may have become just as bad as those two... or maybe worse...
I really am a bad pony. I wish Twilight would just say so...

Spike has saved the whole Crystal Empire twice. Well, it's more like a Crystal City-State.
It really was an interesting tale, maybe I'll transcribe it sometime. I bet he'd love having his own biography.

I failed to persuade him out of stalling the lesson further. Twilight's notes dictated to him a counterpoint to that tactic.
Thanks, Think-of-Everything Teacher: indirect defeat due to your overwhelming mind games. Again.

Feeling worried already at Sunburst's door, then Spike just had to lay on the tension and stress under guise of focused perseverance.
Whatever.
I don't need to be reminded how intense I feel about this.

When Sunburst opened the door and peered outside...
Wow he was cute.
He really was.
Nice cape and glasses too.
Oh. I am getting off topic.

Sunburst was weirdly impressed by the fact I was a student of the Princess of Friendship. I guess he didn't get the circumstances...
I didn't want him to, either...
I mean so what, he was an important wizard that went to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, right? Or wherever it was.
I might be mixing up stories Twilight has told me. Or maybe they did both go there...

Anyway, he just kind of... said nice to see you, and closed the door.
I felt sudden relief. I am surprised I wasn't angry or upset.
The door was closed. I felt clear of responsibility.
Satisfied at completion, Spike lunged into my face with his stalwart determination.
'Talk with him more', the little dragon said.
Why does he have to be right about things like Twilight?

Well fine then. I went inside, I sat down for tea, we talked about... nothing.
He asked if anything happened since he left.
I panicked and lied and lied and lied. I think he knew I was. Lying I mean.
I got hot tea all over his table mid-panic. It was an accident, honest!

Sunburst said he wasn't sure what the point was for us to actively re-start our friendship, because it had been so many years.
Many years. So very long.
When your first and closest friend leaves you behind,
and you sink into a dark depression with delusions of grandeur which leads to many ponies suffering...
Even being saved from myself, and royally pardoned, and given qualified rehab...
How do you start again, after all that?

Spike checked the ominous checklist and invoked an objective which basically amounted to 'sharing shame'.
I flipped out, and in retrospect, I guess Sunburst did too.
We've just met again for the first time and years, and Spike says 'share your shame'? Uh, no thank you.
We quickly said our goodbyes.

I felt devastated.
Sunburst was way too preoccupied with his skills and abilities to care about me. Just as I always expected.
I have nothing good to show for my past years, while he has become a great wizard.
I mean sure, I know spells too, but I mean like classical unicorn studying and training of the magic arts.

Spike gave me a hug and said he and Twilight were still my friends, regardless.
You know what, he had a good point. At least I have a couple friends, right?
I still felt bad about Sunburst though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

9c

Twilight's baby niece princess turns out to be a living weapon that accidentally destroyed her own heritage and future: the Crystal Heart.
Really? Could this day get any worse?

Well at least the little one didn't seem capable of much more than teleportation and a few dangerous light beams.
I found out later on that she bawled the Crystal Heart into oblivion. Wow.

I told Twilight about failing to win back Sunburst, about how I failed my lesson. I expected her to reject me as her student, honestly.
But I had to go back to get Sunburst, cause his wizard powers may help us reconstitute the Crystal Heart.
Great. More awkwardness and shame.

When I got there, Sunburst was being so selfish! Too busy with his magic to help save the Crystal City-State? Really?
I urged him to reconsider, and suddenly he confessed: he had never become a wizard. Ever.
Woah, really? That was just awful! I knew he really cared about becoming one, even before he left for magic school.
His peers at the school... how would they have treated his inability?
Would he have been mocked and shamed and held in contempt?
Oh, poor Sunburst...

Turns out he became a scholar of magic instead, because he could do nothing beyond basic material telekinesis common to all Equestrian unicorns.
At least he knew about magic, just not doing it himself.

I felt so bad for him. But then he said 'how would you know how it feels?',
insinuating my connection to the princess of friendship meant I must have led a blessed life.
Uh. No. Do not talk to me about how great my life was. It wasn't.
It was horrible, all of it.

I couldn't contain my secrets anymore. I flew into a wild rant about all the pain and shame and guilt welling up in my heart and my mind for all these days!
Spike later told me I may have been a bit blunt about my crazy dark past, but so what. It's better to show how messed up I was.

Yet apparently, Sunburst was just impressed by my time travel. Or maybe he was still processing the insane information overload I laid on him.

We both apologized to each other for losing touch. We both meant it too.
We both had bad events and situations in our past.
Honestly, I think my past was way more worse than his, but it did start due to over-reacting after all.
Also Twilight did teach me to be mindful of what I say, for the sake of comfort or courtesy.
I need to work on that more.

Sunburst went on to save the day with all his immense magical knowledge, combining just the right rituals and spells to restore the Crystal Heart.
Just as well that he did, I was feeling too exhausted from the social ordeals, though I did have to help fuse the heart back together.
Standing there with Twilight, Celestia, and Luna, adding my strength to theirs. It was very intimidating. I could sense their magical power.
Thankfully I didn't lose focus or panic.

Sunburst seemed much happier after the ordeal was over.
At least we are friends again now. That does make me happy, too.
Even Celestia praised his intellect and skill. Wow!
We both said our goodbyes, and we went back to our own lives.

Spike had a talk on the train with Twilight, who seemed a bit worried still. Maybe about me?
I'm not sure what they were saying, but Twilight was all smiles by time he finished. That dragon is a good dragon.

Came back home, everypony decided to rest and relax.
I choose to do an absurdly long multi-part diary entry, heheh.

Well, first friendship lesson is now completed: rekindling friendship with Sunburst.
Thank you Spike for your help, and thank you Twilight for your guidance.
Maybe I can become a good pony of friendship after all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Five Scrolls

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

Here you shall find more diary scrolls, post-completion of my first Friendship Lesson.
You may observe that I've become more analytical and detailed on my interactions with other ponies.
Still, I am following through my original pledge to provide all my entries to you, gradually.
Thank you again for reading and analyzing these passages.

Your faithful student,
Starlight Glimmer

P.S.:
I misplaced the 15th scroll and a fair few after that, I'll try my best to locate them soon!
I really wanted to share my analysis of the 'Trixie incident' with you!
Hope these 5 are sufficient for now!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10

I feel like I can do anything!
No friendship lesson could possibly be as difficult as that first one... right?

Hoping that Sunburst really doesn't disappear from my life this time.
Not ready to just hang out with him whenever yet, it's still a bit awkward and daunting...
We hadn't spoken for many, many years after all.

Still, maybe I can at least get Spike to act as courier service between us with his magic breath.
He can do that for anypony, right?

Well diary, there isn't too much to report besides my lingering euphoria on a lesson well done.
Twilight confirmed how proud she was of me, and I feel so glad to hear her say that!

I feel like the only way I can really learn how to become a better pony is by following her guidance.
Maybe this ties in to the significance of the similarity of our cutie marks.
We have similar star-like symbols, only hers is far larger, and surrounded by smaller stars,
presumably her friends, the literal Elements of Harmony.

At least, I think they are literal, they did replace the gemstones that had the Element power, right?
Seems like I keep underestimating the power of Twilight and her friends.

Their boundless compassion and consideration for me will always be appreciated!
I simply need to maximize the efficiency of the learning experience to improve my status!

One day I will complete my friendship studies,
and then I will be the friendliest and most powerful unicorn in Equestria!
Nopony will be able to stop me!
Um, from being a good pony, I mean!
Heheh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

11

Twilight has assigned me to an especially awkward task today:
go around and 'get to know' her best friends better. She says I spend too much time on magic studies.
Well, why not though? She knows the power and importance of spell-craft, too!
Still, I suppose it was nice to get a breath of fresh air every so often...
so long as Twilight or her friends are around.

Pinkie Pie and Rarity were away on a trip to Manehatten, Applejack was busy on the apple farm,
and Rainbow Dash was apparently training for the 'Wonderbolts', whatever that is.
Fluttershy offered to accompany Twilight and I then... but to be honest, she makes me a little nervous.

Besides Twilight herself, Fluttershy was the pony I underestimated the most back in Our Town.
She really enjoyed the politeness and kindness displayed by my citizens, reinforcing my own beliefs.

Sure, I was suspicious of her at first... but I always was with new converts.
It didn't even occur to me that she was intentionally deceiving me, until it was too late.
Beware the quiet ones, indeed.

At one point, Twilight left me at Fluttershy's cottage while she checked on something elsewhere.
The pale yellow pegasus was very gentle and sweet and polite, so similar to my indoctrination.

Yet there was something very different... she had so many secrets to hide, I could sense it!
'It's beautiful this time of year in the meadows, isn't it?' she asked, watching me closely.
Even her animals kept their eyes on me, like her own little citizens...

'Is something wrong?' she then inquired, setting down her tea.
I must've been getting the jitters, because I was frantic to deny!

Fluttershy set a gentle hoof on my foreleg.
'I don't hate you for what you've done, Starlight. You shouldn't be afraid.'

Her words only made me recoil. I demanded how she knew what I was thinking.
She told me we were not too dissimilar from each other: introverted, quiet, cunning ponies.
We both stew dark feelings and thoughts, hidden from the world, until its too late.

I developed the uncomfortable sensation that Fluttershy was vastly more mature than I.

'You taught your ponies to behave in ways I enjoyed, but you denied them their souls.'
She sipped her tea and looked up at the tree beside the outdoor table.
'That's why I had to stop you.'

Angel, her little white rabbit, hopped onto my lap at that point, smiling up at me with his dark little eyes,
before cozying up against my soft fur.
His presence helped me calm down tremendously. Such a soft loving creature!
Fluttershy giggled at that, claiming I must have a way with animals too.

Looking around me, I took in the warmth of the afternoon, the breeze in the wind, the scent of fresh flowers,
the vigilant yet somehow reassuring presence of that colossal bear, grunting at random.
I couldn't help but smile.

Maybe I should spend more time with Fluttershy and her animals.
But perhaps I should work on being less afraid of her quiet strength, first.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12

Applejack might be the most difficult of Twilight's friends to cooperate with.
True, she doesn't keep her feelings veiled under an 'aura of coolness' like Rainbow Dash.

Instead she makes it fairly clear she doesn't care much for my company.
Today I had helped her with some apple farming, and she spent the whole time nagging me.
'Don't do it like that', 'be careful now', and so on.
Such a stubborn traditionalist!

At one point, I was simply plucking apples off the trees en masse, and she called out for me to stop.
I requested why it was such a bad thing. It was more efficient, right?

'Apples are most juicy and ripe if they fall off from a natural apple-buckin back-kick,
not fancy magic that forces it off, whether it wants to or not', she declared.
What, really? I somehow doubt that. 'I'm serious!' she told me, glaring. Sheesh!

After a few hours, I had finally finished helping out with her farming chores, eager to be on my way.
I had a sneaking bad feeling though, and enhanced my hearing with subtle magic.

'She's over-eager with magic kinda like Twilight, but without the charm or grace!',
she remarked to her silent brother Big Mac.

Well I'm so sorry! Stop comparing me to Twilight Sparkle, everypony!
Just because she's my teacher doesn't mean I should have to be exactly like her!

Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to become her student after all!
No, that's not true... this is an important role that I'm playing now. I need to do this, for myself.

Maybe I can talk with Twilight about it after I've cooled off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

13

I got a scolding for eavesdropping magic, really?
Why should I have to watch every time I perform magic?
Haven't I proven myself yet to everypony? Why do they have to restrict me in such ways?

Twilight said she would talk with Applejack though, so I suppose shaming me is a fair price?
Whatever.

Spike was helping me set up some equipment for tests in the castle library.
I asked him his thoughts on the matter. The little dragon is impressively wise for his size.

To my frustration, he seemed to side with Applejack though, saying she would know better,
having worked the farm her whole life.
Ugh.

I was about to make a clever reply, when Applejack herself arrived.
She was not even wearing her hat, holding it instead.
I knew this meant something was wrong.

'I'm sorry, Starlight. That was rude and unfair of me to judge you like that.'

I couldn't believe my ears. Applejack was apologizing, to me?
'Course I am, I know a thing or two about knowing when to admit I'm wrong'.
We both smiled and got a laugh out of that.

She offered to help out with my magical tests to make up for it.
'Now I'll do things your way', she promised, with a wink, even.

Applejack performed my magical tests with great efficiency. This data will prove useful in the future.
I'd put all the details here, but you are meant for feelings and thoughts, diary, not data.

I have come to a definite conclusion though.
Maybe Twilight's friends really are special ponies, after all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

14

There is much less space to fit on this scroll compared to most,
but I felt this encounter had to be described all at once.
Spike's rite of passage will have to wait for the next entry, diary.

Today was the first time I felt truly terrified since discovering the goal of my first Friendship Lesson.
I was wandering about the hallways of Twilight's never-ending castle again, lost in thought.
When around the corner, she appeared, towering and radiant.

Can you guess who, diary?
The most powerful and dangerous pony in all of Equestria.
The great white mare herself.
For a hopeful second, I thought I was just becoming delirious from too much magic studies.
No such luck.

Celestia stared down at me, her expression absolutely unreadable.
Her mane of pale pastel colors waved and swept behind her like a constantly ebbing river.
I saw the hundreds of years of age in that glance, perhaps thousands.
The sun mare had ensnared my full attention with her focused presence.

She knew who I was. Of course she knew who I was! I'm the student of her graduate star pupil!
Of course she knew what I've done.
Of course she knew the threat I had posed.
I had sought to usurp and desecrate her entire civilization!

Every moment she was studying and calculating my mere existence:
a speck of petty selfishness on the vast scope of her endless reign.

'Sweet Celestia!' I accidentally whispered, before putting a hoof to my mouth.
Stupid, stupid!
To use that swear in her presence!
Did I want to anger her with my verbal blasphemy too?

I was about to run blindly in the other direction, when she suddenly burst out in laughter.
Her voice was soothing and melodious to the ear.
No doubt she had mastered its tenor over many centuries.

'Starlight Glimmer, my faithful student's faithful student!' she giggled slyly, all soothing smiles.
'I had hoped we would meet sooner, but...'
Celestia leaned down closer, almost whispering, as though sharing secrets!
'Twilight was insistent that you needed time to readjust to Equestrian life. How do you fare?'

Oh just fine, your highness, just great, I love it here, yep, it's swell being the student of the princess of friendship!
Well, I said something along those lines anyway.

Celestia tilted her head and studied me further.
'I'm very proud of Twilight's efforts, and your own.
After all that you've been through, it's good that you are in high spirits!'

'What I've been through?' I asked, but she did not elaborate, the sly smile on her face still.
How much did she know about me, anyway? Probably more than Twilight!

Then her sister came around the corner, her turquoise eyes piercing my heart.
'So, it is you,' Luna said, cross and stern. 'Be glad your old dreams have failed you.'
The dark night of her mane glittered and shrouded about her, threatening me with nightmares.

'We are here for a lovely cordial tea with Princess Twilight Sparkle,' Celestia soothingly reassured,
likely sensing my confusion and panic. 'You are welcome to join us.
I would very much like to get to know my pupil's pupil', she declared.

I'm very very sorry I am far too busy I am doing important friendship lesson right now thank you!
Or something, something, anything. Excuses poured out like magic.

Luna snorted in disgust, but Celestia merely giggled again.
'Well, perhaps it can wait for another time then. Shall we continue, dear sister?'

The mare of the moon continued staring at me, and I trembled anxiously.
Celestia probably knew most about me, but likely the younger ancient alicorn knew everything.

'Glaring at ponies resolves nothing, especially in regards to their past,'
Celestia admonished Luna quietly, a smooth strength in her tone.
'Let's be on our way.'

Luna actually startled at Celestia's words, turning to look at her, mouth agape.
Her expression and stance softened, becoming somewhat less terrifying.
'Thy will be done, beloved sister,' she responded gently, before trotting off down the hallway in the direction I had wandered.

Celestia remained behind, bending until her face was close to mine, her morning-dawn eyes gazing into my soul.
'You aided us in restoring the Crystal Heart and assuring the well-being of my grand-niece, Princess Flurry Heart.
I thank you for this, Starlight Glimmer.
Furthermore, my protégé Twilight Sparkle trusts you, and thus so do I.'

My breathing finally started to slow, away from the harshness of the night sister, basking in the reassurance of the sun sister.

'May you find more consistent peace in your heart,' Celestia encouraged, before following her sister down the hallway.

It is hard to forget any word that a demi-goddess tells you...
I was a fool to ever seek to defy her.
It would have been the end of me, one way or another.
And somehow, I feel my fate would not have been as benevolent as the one Twilight gave me.

For Celestia is ever vigilant and protective, an eternal guardian of her little ponies.
And now I am amongst her subjects once again.

I understand now why Twilight both fears and loves her.
May the alicorns reign forevermore.

Oh, and I have a request for you, Princess Luna.
Have mercy on me: end my nightmares.
So that I may fulfill your sister's request, that my heart may dream in peace.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Eight Scrolls

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

So, it took awhile to figure out where this set of diary scrolls was located.
Trixie had apparently hidden them after I let her read them first,
and she accidentally took my chapters on Spike's 'Dragon Lord' incident too.
Sorry, she insisted on reading about herself before you did.
You know how she is...

This was an awkward and difficult step in my journey of friendship,
and as your student.
I very nearly made several mistakes I would regret for years.
I almost lost you both.
Thanks to your guidance and wisdom though,
it all turned out alright.
May insight gleaned from these scrolls be of benefit to you, teacher.

Your faithful student,
Starlight Glimmer

P.S.: You aren't still jealous of Trixie's friendship with me, are you?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

15

Wanted to avoid the dining hall after that encounter with Celestia and Luna.
The sun sister may have tried to be reassuring, but I was nonetheless distraught.

Just stayed in my room, contemplating.
I contemplate too much, perhaps. Less doing, more thinking.
But maybe that's what I need in my life nowadays, diary.
Too much doing and not enough thinking led me down a dark and cruel path...

Anyway.

When I finally crept out and looked for Twilight,
surprised to find a note from her in the library,
declaring that she, Spike and Rarity had gone off to the Dragon Lands, of all places.

Spike had to go there to cure a magical condition,
enforced by none other than the Dragon Lord,
specifically to force him and other young dragons to go?
An invitation with no choice doesn't bode well.

I wish I had stuck around after all,
and just swallowed my fear of the ancient alicorns of sun and moon.
Because strangely enough,
I am less intimidated by dragons and other creatures than I am by my fellow ponies.
Maybe I lack fear due to my great magical prowess.
And my lack of need to cooperate with other species.
I really want to cooperate with ponies...

But, perhaps this matter requires more caution than I am prone to adhere to.
I bet I'd make things more dramatic than necessary.

I just hope everypony will be safe.
Don't underestimate those dragons, Twilight Sparkle.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

16

Spike is truly gifted.
Pony-raised and pony-influenced.
Technically a dragon, but hardly counting by their standards.
In the past he has been mocked and rejected by his own kind for these reasons.

And yet now,
he has established political ties between Equestria and the Dragon Lord.
He has managed to bridge the social gap between two species
with such widely differing standards of social custom and etiquette.

Well done, Spike. I knew you were special.

'He flawlessly taught Princess Ember and her father what friendship means for a pony,' gushed Twilight.
'I for one am very proud of you, Spike.'

'Oh Spike, you were so brave to go through those deadly trials!' insisted Rarity,
snuggling him close, much to his delight, I am sure.
I know he crushes on that generous designer.

Rarity and Twilight were both giddy with excitement.
I guess it has been awhile since they'd gone on such an exotic adventure together.

Both of them speak so highly of Spike now.
Well, not that they never have before,
but it seems other ponies don't take him seriously most of the time.

I refuse to underestimate Spike.
He has a sharp tongue and quick wit, a way with words.
He and I are both strange outcasts on the fringe of this pony society,
though for different reasons.
Mine being more ethical, his being more biological.

After all the fuss, Spike came to check up on me in my room.
He has developed an almost daily habit of doing this sometime after my lessons,
to make sure I'm not too exhausted or stressed out by them.
The little guy is practically my nanny now.

'You doing alright, Starlight?'
I almost wanted to talk about my encounter with Celestia and Luna in the myriad sprawling labyrinth of this castle.

But I hesitated.
Spike doesn't have to know everything, after all.
Nopony else, either.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

17

Once again, Twilight has unleashed a difficult friendship lesson.
She puts far too much faith in my social capabilities.
I am not panicking like the first one with Sunburst, but...

Deep frustration wells up inside me.
Make a new friend, so soon?
To introduce to Celestia herself?
Are you serious, Twilight?

'You have to make a new friend!', she said,
with a big encouraging confident smile.
Who does she think she's asking this of? An expert?

I cracked a joke about just enslaving Ponyville to force friendship, but...
I'm not sure that lightened the tension like I hope.
Twilight was not amused.
Guess its still too soon since I've don't that sort of thing for real...

Making such sick jokes though, it helps me relax under stress.
Am I messed up, diary? I'm sorry. I guess I need to keep trying to be a better pony after all.
A proper reasonable citizen of Ponyville, the friendliest place in Equestria.

So alright, this should be easy.
I'll go make a new friend.
I'll show Celestia and Twilight I can!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

18

Tried the easiest method of making new friends:
getting help from my current friends.

But nothing is working! I keep messing everything up!
Why am I so stupid?!

Pinkie Pie's boss is angry at me now.
I shouldn't have threatened her business with a magically crafted cake.
Accidentally dropping it on her didn't help.
'It is delicious though!' offered Pinkie, and Mrs. Cake just glared all the more.

Applejack is angry at me now.
She didn't even say anything, just scowled, and growled.
That was so stupid of me to force her brother to be verbose.
Of course I shouldn't be forcefully altering ponies.
What was I thinking? I can't complete a lesson by making it worse.

Rarity is, I don't know... mildly annoyed?
That unicorn is the most difficult pony to interpret sometimes.
She is radiant and flamboyant, sure, but what does she really think?
'First impressions count for a great deal you know', she offered.
That really cut me to the quick.
My first impression that I made on her and the others was... vile.

'Well, everypony deserves a second chance', she said casually,
while taking my measurements with the levitating tape measure.
I hope she's right.
Because even though she wants to make me a nice dress,
I did ruin her hat...

Rainbow Dash is disappointed, shocked even.
No, horrified.
'You've never even heard of the Wonderbolts?!'
So much for getting tips on finding cool friends...
How should I know the name of an equestrian military pegasus faction, though??

Fluttershy's bunny is adorable, but not a pony friend.
Didn't bother stick around to feel her disappointment.
Still feeling intimidated by her intense awareness from the last visit.
I've had enough already, of my failures today.

I need a new pony friend to complete this lesson!
But this isn't working!

Okay, I still have time.
I can go make a friend in Ponyville on my own.
I will just... I will just keep trying...

I'm so worried...
I don't know what to do...
How do I make friends with ponies when I'm so worked up?

Stop stressing... stop stressing!!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

19

I'm so happy, like never before!
This sense of relief is so wonderful, diary.

With Twilight, I can feel secure and stable, safe even.
I can understand and relate with her somewhat, but...
She is so far above me, so pure and noble.
I am so broken compared to the Princess of Friendship.
So many issues and problems inside me.

But this pony...

I decided to go visit the day spa.
It was the most logical choice for stress relief, after all.
Started casually chatting up the pony getting tended to right behind me,
which is weird of me.
I guess it really was relaxing treatment to make me relax around strangers.

I started complaining about today, and she said 'for me they're all one of those days', heh.
She said she wasn't from Ponyville either, just like me.
Then I started rambling... and before I knew it I was openly confessing my fear,
that everypony around here knew my past, how evil and cruel I was.

'Ponies judge me on my past, too.'
She knows how I feel.
She knows what it means to be an outcast.
To be too... dangerous and daring.
To be lacking in the polite social graces of our kind.

This pony is my new friend, and I take comfort in this.
She is great, and powerful.
She wanders the world all by herself, pulling along her magicians' cart,
to put on stage performances,
only to disappear into a puff of smoke.

She is mysterious and wonderful.
She is so confident too! She knows she's an outcast but she doesn't care!
I feel empowered by her audacity.
Maybe I can stop feeling guilty all the time now.

Maybe its not so bad to be a little bad...
To revel in a bit of shadow, in the light of this civilization.

Thank you, Trixie, for being you!

Can't wait to introduce you to Twilight.
I know you are unorthodox, but so am I.
She will be so pleased with you too!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

20

Of course there would be problems.
Of course things wouldn't go smoothly.
Now I'm trapped with two difficult choices,
neither of which I want to be forced to decide on,
because I want both.
I NEED both.

They already knew each other... they already hate each other!
Oh, that's just great! How funny, how twisted!

'You could say that I know her', Twilight all but sneered.
I've never heard her sneer before!
Does she harbor such a bad grudge with Trixie?

'We've had our differences,' Trixie admitted,
'but Twilight gave me another chance, and I appreciate it.'
But they shared fake smiles with each other.
Maybe they aren't absolute enemies.
But they certainly are not friends.

After Trixie told Twilight about her plans for a magic performance,
Twilight pulled me aside. Literally, with her magic.

No, I am not going to reject Trixie's friendship!
You should give me the chance to make my own friends,
like Celestia let you!

That seemed to do the trick. I know my teacher well enough.
I would feel bad for manipulating like that, but
I refuse to lose Trixie over... whatever it is these two have between them.

Felt hopeful after she let us go.
Maybe she'd give Trixie a chance after all.
Not so!
Stalking us, trying to coax me to reject her still!
Maybe you're just worried, but I am hurting now!

Thanks a lot Twilight, for showing me how fallible you really are!
I thought you cared about friendship, no matter what!
Well I guess I was proven wrong!

I'm crying right now diary,
because I don't want to lose my new wonderful, magnificent friend Trixie.
But I don't want to lose my sanctuary and security with Princess Twilight too.

Trixie's changed Twilight!
She may not be as gracious and good as you,
but she still cares about me, she cares about friendship!
I know it's true... I won't let myself think otherwise.
I know how to tell if someone is lying after all.

Trixie understands my dark past. We've both messed up, big time.
We are both reformed, but...
what good is it if we don't get a second chance?

Thought things would get better once I got away from Twilight.
Trixie talked a bit about her dark past.
Admitted she did terrible things in Ponyville, out of jealousy towards Twilight.
'She's better at everything, and I wanted to beat her at something!'

Then she revealed her intentions for an exciting dangerous magic act involving a manticore.
She said she can't do it on her own though, so...
I offered to help, I would love for this trick to work!
Trixie was so pleased! 'I knew I liked you for a reason!'
Yeah, because I can appreciate real thrills!

But then she revealed... she wants to do the magic show tonight.
But... I still have the friendship dinner with Twilight and Celestia tonight..
can't we go do that, Trixie? I want you to make amends!
I confessed to her my frustration with Twilight's behavior today. 'Well, I can't say I'm surprised,' Trixie scoffed.
But still...

Can't we just do your performance tomorrow night?
Why must you force me to choose, Trixie?
That's really not fair!

Oh no, I will be upsetting Princess Celestia too,
if I choose to spend night helping Trixie's magic show... she will be there.

…. I have to stay. This is the right thing to do.
I don't care if the alicorns of Sun and Magic punish me.
My heart says Trixie is my true friend.
She understands me, like no other pony could.

I will help you put on the greatest magic show ever, Trixie!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

21

You smug manipulative liar!
How could you do this to me, Trixie?
So much for being my friend!

Twilight was right, diary... Trixie was just using me to 'get back' at her!

Twilight confronted us both backstage, shortly before the big show.
She scolded me for walking out on the dinner with her boss,
without even telling her.
She had a point there... but I was upset with Twilight for her treatment,
of my new best friend.

Trixie butted in though. She bragged and boasted.
'Starlight had to choose between you and me, and she chose me!
Your pupil chose me!
So, HA! I WIN!'

Yes, well done Trixie. You made me choose you over Twilight.
You won your stupid rivalry game with Twilight.
So great of you. So powerful.
So much for your friendship!

You are so selfish! I am selfish too but at least I know...
at least I know how to care now!
Why couldn't you be my friend, Trixie?
I believed in you!

I am broken again.
Maybe this is my destiny, after all.
A broken friendless pony...

I will watch the magic show still... from a distance. I may as well.
Nothing matters anymore.
Nopony would want to willingly be my friend anyway.

Twilight and the others, they are only just putting up with me...
I am a menace going through social rehabilitation...
I am so ashamed... and so alone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

22

I almost made a terrible mistake today.
I almost lost a true friend.

Trixie, I am sorry. I forgive you.
Please forgive me too?

You may have a vendetta with Twilight.
But you really do care about me, too, don't you?
Of course you do.
But like me, you let your darkness cloud your heart, sometimes.
I understand.

Twilight came to me as I sat and sulked on the hill.
She is the one who opened my eyes to the truth: that you really are my friend.

The alicorn of Friendship is strange that way, I guess its one of her quirks.
Incredibly anxious when she doesn't know or understand something,
but once she's right there to observe, she realizes the heart of the matter.
Every time.
She learns new spells, she learns new lessons, just by being there.
I envy her observational skills.

Trixie, Twilight saw your sorrow and misery after I left.
She knew underneath your veil of 'I don't care' confidence,
you were broken.

You wept as I wept.
You and I, we are selfish cunning dangerous mares,
alone in our minds and hearts.

You really do want me by your side.
You really do care, Trixie.
I understand you, I really do.

Your heart was breaking like mine.
You didn't even care that you might die from that manticore stunt.

When you told me afterwards that you begged for my return, when you got into that cannon...
maybe I heard you... maybe my spirit heard you...
Twilight nudged me to go back and help your dangerous stunt.
But it was up to me in the end.

And I choose to be your friend.

Please don't ever do something so dangerous again...
not without your lovely faithful magical assistant Starlight Glimmer.
Heheh!

Oh, and thank you both for being gracious to each other after the performance.
If you both only did so for my sake,
then maybe I'm a worthy friend to both of you, after all.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~