Princess Celestia vs. A Cockroach

by Vertigo22

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 1028

Princess Celestia encounters a cockroach in the kitchen.

Princess Celestia encounters a cockroach after making her breakfast. Naturally, she handles the situation like most ponies would.

Reading by Wolf newman.

Reading by LazerPewPew.

Reading by Lead Bread.

Reading by TheCaptainSand - Scarlett Blade.

Cover art also courtesy of Wolf newman.

Published 2016-11-25 19:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-25 19:50:01 UTC

The Battle of the Century

There it was.

On the counter, in the kitchen, and sitting motionless, was a small, reddish-brown insect with an oval shaped body. Two large antenna extended from its small head.

A cockroach. The single most loathed insect to ever disgrace the face of Equus.

Celestia stood, petrified. She couldn't believe what was mere inches from her bagel. Her eyes were as wide as the plate that her meal rested on. The mere sight of such a horrid pest was indescribable. They weren't meant to be in the royal castle! They were meant to be in third rate butcher shops and the slums of Manehattan!

Yet, here one was. It had emerged from behind a stack of microwavable dinners, and now it defiled the beautiful, pearl colored counter. All the while it stared at the bagel of the princess of the sun, its compound eyes no doubt filled with gluttony.

Celestia backed away from the ghastly insect, and up against the wall as her breathing continued to increase. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

It's hard to say anything when one's thoughts are centered on the stuff of nightmares. Not to mention when one's eyes are glued to the single most horrifying thing since a millipede crawled across their favorite pillow.

Nonetheless, Celestia continued to stare.

And stare.

Until she finally snapped out of her stupor.

Not because she wasn't scared. No, she was still piss-her-pants terrified.

Rather, the cockroach did the unthinkable. The single most horrible thing imaginable.

It crawled into her bagel.

The audacity of this action was too much! Celestia's eyes burned with anger (and from tears of absolute terror) as her horn lit up. “No… insect defiles my breakfast!” she cried as she fired off a magical bolt at the rancid creature. “Noinsect!”

The bolt struck the bagel, causing it to explode into dozens of small, no longer edible pieces of roach-tainted bread, butter, and mayonnaise.

But, the cockroach was still alive. Nary a scratch on its glorious reddish-brown body or thorax.

“How are you not a pile of ash!?” Celestia screamed, her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open. “Are you some sort of mutated being from another land!?”

The cockroach stood motionless for a few seconds before it crawled towards the nearby cookie jar, uninterested in the deranged Alicorn's ramblings about being anything other than a lonesome insect from the outside world.

“You shall answer me!” Celestia said as she enveloped the insect her magic and it levitated over, only to realize what she'd just done. Like a little foal, she dropped it and let out a high-pitched shriek before running to the other side of the room.

The roach spread its glorious wings and flew towards the counter again before it quickly made haste to the cookie jar again.

“You shall not defile my sister's snacks!” Celestia proclaimed as she prepared to fire off a magic bolt so powerful, it once made Luna wince with pain.

This was truly a spell worthy of the princess of the sun and nopony else.

The bolt flew towards the roach, who by now was mere inches from the cookie jar. It struck the insect and destroyed a portion of the counter, causing pieces of it to fly in all directions and strike the wall, denting it.

Alas, the cockroach didn't die; its hardy shell being too resilient for even the magic of Celestia to penetrate, and continued its epic quest for a cookie or twenty.

Celestia couldn't believe her eyes. This abomination had survived two magic bolts, each filled with enough power to drain a fair amount of energy from her. “What is the meaning of this you disgusting, six legged freak!?” she growled.

The cockroach didn't answer and simply made its way up the cookie jar, only to discover the top to the jar was on it.

This was truly a dark day for all of cockroach kind.

Celestia, however, beamed. For once, Luna remembered to put the lid back on it! she thought.

Her joy was short lived, however, as the cockroach made its way towards an exposed bowl of salad that was labeled as belonging to Luna.

Celestia was in awe at the sight. Partly because it wasn't damaged from her two attacks on the insect, and partly because Luna ate salad without dressing.

She made a mental note to ask her how she was capable of such a monumental feat.

However, during the time it took her to register her sister's choices when it came to salad, the cockroach had begun to help itself to a piece of lettuce.

Celestia gasped at the sight and, with the type of response expected from the pony that can control a giant ball of plasma, fired off a beam of magic, which destroyed the bowl of salad and a large portion of the counter.

But not the cockroach.

Celestia's right eye twitched violently. Her mental state was now on par with a pony who was about to be audited.

So, she did the only thing that seemed reasonable.

She levitated over a rolling pin and trotted over to the cockroach. Without a word, she slammed the rolling pin down onto the roach, which resulted in a sickening crunch.

Celestia threw aside the rolling pin and let out a heavy sigh. She fell to her haunches and looked around the kitchen. Bits of bagel and burnt salad littered the floor, and the once beautiful, teal colored wall was now dented. “Reminds me of when Twilight first tried to cook,” she mused to herself.

After a few minutes, Celestia stood up and walked towards the refrigerator. She levitated out a package of cheese and rested it on an undamaged section of the counter. “I hope Luna understands what happened here,” she said as she made herself a simple cheese sandwich.

However, from a small crack in the wall, and with gluttony filled eyes, a cockroach watched as Celestia made her breakfast.

Author's Note

Tell me what you thought of this story! If you'd like I'll write a sequel featuring Luna and a House Centipede! :pinkiehappy: