The Anon who stole Christmas
A Partridge in a Pear Tree
A Partridge in a Pear Tree
Every pony, down in ponyville, likes Hearth’s warming a lot.
But Anonymous the human, who lived up on the mountain top, did not.
Once a year the ponies down in ponyville gathered round for their festivity,
And once a year the human had to plug his ears to deal with their glee and positivity.
He clutched his head and yelped: “Oh the humanity!”
The noise, cheer, joy, and insanity!
What could they possibly do to work our villain into a tizzle?
Pinkie Pie and Applejack slamming on their pone-puddlers, hurdy gurdies, and wompo-wizzles.
Ponies cry that Anonymous is just far too uptight,
But Anon disagrees, this whole season just isn’t right.
However the most likely reason of all,
Is Anonymous’ heart is three sizes too small.
Twilight and Rarity and all the unicorns gather round,
To summon a Hearth’s warming eve feast for the whole town.
What good will all that food do if it’s all varieties of vegetable stew?
Where’s the beef, pork, and lamb too?
The silly equines banished Anon to that tall, tall mountain top,
Because of all the slaughter he refused to stop.
Every day he'd take a harmless woodland critter,
To delight at home, roasted and glazed for his dinner.
The Pegasi were the worst, to ol’ Anonymous the human,
With their flapping and molting wings that kept him fuming.
Who in their right mind would make the weather cold,
To bring a new line of fashion, because yesterday’s is “old.”
Three months of winter coolness,
And dreadful holidays.
Anonymous struggled to keep himself warm at home,
They even took his supply of fuel; wood, royal phoenixes, and Twilight’s tomes.
“I must find a way to stop Hearth’s Warming from coming!”
Screamed the human as he wracked forth all his cunning.
Then the Humany Human was struck with an idea.
A vile, nasty idea. Although a little bit queer.
So he set to work, dicing and slicing up all the furniture in his home,
And when his project was complete, a new Santie Claws costume he did own.
Red, furry, and trimmed with white too.
And for his sled, a bit of wood, paint, and too much glue.
The lights from the town dimmed, and so too did their endless tune.
However the festivities continued, but Anon’s plan would begin soon.
As the ponies of the town set down to feast,
Up high, waiting in silence, was the bipedal beast.
One by one, as the night went by, the lights flicked out,
Once the aphrodisiacs worked on those louts.
With a giggle, squeal, and a kick of his heel,
The grumpy human set out with zeal.
Down, down he rode, face frostbitten and body ice cold,
But he was strong in purpose and will, and would not give in, he wouldn’t fold.
Upon the first house he descended,
To enact his revenge as he intended.
“With this coat, and hat, why I look just like Saint Nick.”
“The perfect disguise to pull my greatest trick.”
The human cackled to himself, resting his sweaty mitts on a rounded belly,
As this unaware mare’s house was the first of his spree.
Toys for tots,
Food, and lots,
Drums, and plums,
Guitars for strumming, and harmonicas for humming.
Oh, how they’d all find this so unpleasant.
Thought our villain as he grabbed every present.
“Ha, what a grand and intoxicating innocence.”
His sack got fuller as he felt no pangs to his conscience.
Anonymous went from house to house,
Stealing everything from toys to a blouse.
Lifting things of value and trash worth nothing.
It did not matter what, our villain took anything.
Then in the middle of the night awoke a pony daughter,
She rose from her slumber for a glass of water.
Anon heard her coming round the corner with a creak and a crack.
Without a moment to lose, he scooped her up and into his sack.
“Clickety clack, you’ll remain in my sack!” he cried.
With a dab of liquid and a smothering cloth, she was put into a state as if she had died.
He took a moment's pause, and examined his unconscious prey.
Fair and comely, he thought, despite hair being sleepily fray.
As the sun began it’s morning climb into the sky,
Anon hastily rode back home. Being ever so sly.
He reached the summit just fine, perfectly in fact,
With all his bags, and his new pony prize intact.
“Soon the tears, will flow. They’ll wake up in a minute or two.”
“This will break their hearts. I’m sure that’s what it’ll do!”
Then from down below a sound he did hear.
The cries of the ponies and those they held dear.
They sung up to the sun: “Oh, how pointlessly tragic!”
“All our presents and food gone, as if by magic!”
“But it’s okay, the love in our hearts will grow.”
“As we huddle closely in the gleaming snow.”
“There is only one man lonely enough, in the entire town.”
“Who would do something so dastardly for just a few frowns.”
“Do not fret, the day is just about to begin.”
“Your friendship and love, is what we will win.”
Anon chanted back: “Dummies, dullards, and dolts alike.”
“For all I care, they can go take a hike.”
“But not up my mountain, that stands so high.”
“I want to be alone, and you know damn well why!”
“These presents and toys are all mine.”
“Let’s not forget this mare, ‘cause damn she’s fine~!”
“If you want them back feel free to try.”
“But from my corpse you’ll need to pry.”
Then something truly incredible began to happen,
The sled came to life and took off with Anon as its captain.
From her slumber, the equine awoke.
A tone of confusion and fear, she quivered as she spoke.
“Anonymous? What is going one here? Are you the one doing all this?”
That chloroform mix was suppose to last for hours, Anon knew something was amiss!
“Hush my dear, all is well. There is no need to fret your pretty little head.”
He whispered to himself, hands clutched close, “once I’ve got you in my bed.”
Away he did sail, cackling all the while
And the ponies down below waited in denial.
Anony never did return any of his bounty.
Or his stolen bride, their marriage legitimized by the county.
What was the lesson of this tale?
Creepy marenappers belong in jail.
Now farewell dear readers, and goodnight.
Remember, beware of the lonely man’s plight.
Author's Note
Happy Holidays!
