The Star Squirrel Hostage Crisis

by SWEETOLEBOB18

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Alternate Universe
Length: 1731

An AU version of Magical Mystery Cure (S3 E13) with Pinkie Pie as the Element of Magic

This has no connection to Xenophillia but was inspired by Divided Rainbow by Mike Teevee, a much better side story. In particular, he pointed out that there were (1x2x3x4x5x6) = 720 possible ways the Mane 6 could have been scrambled. He also had the Elements altering history (or at least, Ponies memories of it) to account for the fact that nobody except Twilight was freaked out by the shift.

This is one of the 120 possibilities with Pinkie as Element of Magic

I know where I want to go with this story, but not sure "How to get from Here to There?", so I am putting this on Hiatus .:raritydespair:

All The Myriad Ways (Niven)

for a hint.

Published 2017-04-04 14:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2021-05-08 07:38:25 UTC

Chapter 1 Prequel

Author's Note

This chapter is more of an info dump than a story. This is because I'm too shiftless & lazy to write several chapters before getting to the story I want to tell. If that bothers you, just skip to the next chapter. This ain't The X Files, you'll pick it up.

Spelling mistakes & other technical corrections are not general interest. Send them to me in a post. I'd put in links to stories but I'm a Baby Boomer & utterly lacking in computer skills. In other words, I can't so I won't. If anyone sends me directions I'll try but I make no promises

I'll go over the Age of the Mane 6 in a future blog post. IMO, at the time of the first Rainboom
Twilight = 6
Pinkie = 6, almost 7
Dash = 6 (The youngest to get her Cutie Mark)
Fluttersy = 8 (she tells Pinkie she's a year older but IMO that is give or take a few months)
Rarity = 10
Apple Jack = 15
The Crusaders are under 2 years old. This is late May - early June 11 years before the pilot.

Chapter 1 Prequel

Once upon a (rewritten) time...
Celestia had the idea to create a rock garden. To create and maintain it, she hired the Pie family. Worst Idea Ever. (Well, no. That would be "Ignoring your sister's problems". But this would be in the top 10)

Some of Little Nimrod's Adventures in Canterlot would achieve the status of legends. On her first day in the castle, she was exploring with her sister Maud but what to their wondering eyes should appear? It was Celestia's butt -a not so miniature rear.

Pinkie had been driving everyone crazy by asking everypony she met "What do you do here?". When she asked Celestia, Maud told her "Pinkie, can't you see that she is MUCH too important to actually do things? She just tells other ponies to do things."

Pinky replied "She got to be the boss because she's the biggest! She sat on all the others and SQUISHED them with her butt!" Then she asked Celestia "If I eat tons of cake can I get to be as big as you?"

Maud said "Don't be silly, Pinkie. There isn't that much cake in the world."

At that point, the guards caught up, and the two fillies fled. On her way out, Pinkie pronked onto Celestia's head, slid down her mane and launched herself off Celestia's backside. They fled down a corridor, followed closely by several Guards and Celestia, who Wanted A Word With You, Pinkamena Diane Pie (actually, "Where are your parents?" were to be the first of many words).

They broke into the exam room just before Dash pulled off the first Rainboom. Pinkie's Pinkie Sense correctly predicted a doozy. In the ensuing confusion, Pinkie was impressed enough by magic to get a star Cutie Mark. Twilight got a lightning bolt for blasting things. Spike imprinted on Pinkie. So, Spike was raised by Pinkie. Pinkie and Twilight became friends and were both taken as Celestia's students.

The others got their Cutie Marks the way they always did.
Fluttershy was trying to fly when she fell to what was almost her death. She was saved by butterflies and got a butterfly Cutie Mark by comforting the animals after the Rainboom
Dash made the Rainboom hurrying home and got her apple Cutie Mark when she got back home to Sweet Apple Acres
AJ got her diamond Cutie Mark by helping her younger sister Rarity when she needed it & realized that she liked helping folks and finding the hidden good in Ponies and things
Rarity got her balloon Cutie Mark at the cast party after the play when she realized parties, plays, whatever she loved making Ponies happy

Eleven Years Later...
They were looking for The Elements of Harmony. The Great Detective Pinkie said "I deduce that they are in the basement of the abandoned house next door!"

Her bumbling (but Loyal) assistant Twilight said "Don't be ridiculous, Pinkie! There is no abandoned house next door!" Twilight's habit of constantly using facts and logic to contradict her friends was one of the many reasons that she had very few friends.

Pinkie said "Then we'll BUILD a house next door!"

Thus, the Elements were located, Nightmare Moon was defeated by having to listen to Twilight describe a Candlelight Supper & Mayor Mare escaped to found Equestria.

Pinkie the Wise would assign the Elements as follows
Rarity became The Element of Good Cheer for inviting total strangers to her elegant Candlelight Suppers (taught to her by her Canterlot friend Hyacinth Boquete (pronounced Bucket) ) & how happy everybody was to escape from Rarity's Elegant Candlelight Supper
Rainbow Dash became The Element of Honesty for calling Rarity's Candlelight Suppers "A nightmare forged in Tartarus and inflicted on Equestria because Paradise wouldn't have them and Tartarus couldn't hold them"
Twilight became The Element of Loyalty because she stayed with her friend through the horrors of a Candlelight Supper
Fluttershy became The Element of Kindness for helping two strangers escape from a Candlelight Supper
Apple Jack became The Element of Generosity for giving shelter to those fleeing an elegant Candlelight Supper

History does not record Rarity's response to Pinkie's comment that "It was either go into the Everfree or back to The Candlelight Supper. We took the soft option." This one of many good things about that night.

A year later, some fool accidently sent Starswhirl's book to Twilight and let Derpy deliver it. (She still doesn't know what went wrong. I'd say the answer is "Plenty!")

Chapter 2 Day 1 letters are written & Spike is displeased

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 4 Day 3 Pinkie and Twilight Take Exercise and Spike Is Displeased

Chapter 4 Day 3 Pinkie and Twilight Take Exercise and Spike Is Displeased

Everyone knows that lab accidents are a common way to gain super powers. So, up the street ran Equestria's newest super hero -Twilight Sparkle (AKA, Captain Explodey Head (because her powers included bursting into flames. Twice.)) Carrying her faithful assistant, Spike, the Scorched Wonder (right now he was wondering "What fresh Hell is this?"), she hurried into battle.

"Just because your head exploded doesn't mean that it was a bad idea!" cried her arch enemy, Captain Button Pusher (AKA The Pink Nemesis)

"Come back here and I'll SHOW YOU what this button does!" Twilight cried as Pinkie pronked into Sugar Cube Corner.

Most Ponies think of Twilight as the small town librarian she was for so long. Most days, they were right. But, there were other days and other Twilights. There was Hero Twilight, the Pony that charged Nightmare Moon, the Pony that faced Dragons, Discord, Sombra, and so many other perils. There was also Dark Twilight. The Pony who mind controlled an entire town because a report was late (True, Celestia undid the spell & no great harm was done, but...), the Pony who murdered the Pinkie clones (True, she SAID they were no more alive than your reflection in a mirror, but...), the Pony who used Dark Magic to murder Sombra (True, technically he was already dead, but...). Dark Twilight was mad, bad, and dangerous -and those were her GOOD points. Despite being curious about why, exactly, Twilight was carrying Spike, Pinkie did not want to meet Dark Twilight .

(Spike frequently suffered the delusion that he wanted to speak to Pinkie. Many folks had this delusion -until they talked to her. Then, they knew better but it was Too Late)

Pinkie eating cake. Twilight puzzled where Pinkie got the cake.
Twilight, you once told me that to solve a problem sometimes we just had to let our imaginations roam free. I told you "When I let my imagination roam free, it usually brings back cake." It's not MY fault you never listen when I tell you things. Nopony ever listens to a clown. In life, you can be a clown or you can be taken seriously but you can't do both. If I took things seriously, I'd end up as Discord. Ah, the illusion of choice. This time, you got lucky. I chose to keep my sanity (such as it is). "That's right Twilight, darling. Watch the tongue. Fear the tongue. Someday, you & the tongue will be the best of friends. Or, perhaps you'll murder me. Still, perhaps I'll be lucky"

Put Spike in the donut fryer to wake him up as an example Cutie Mark's Dialectic Materialism
Thesis Pinkie wanted Spike to get up
Antithesis Spike did not want to get up
Synthesis Spike got up, but isn't happy.

Chapter 3 Day 2 Pinkie Files Her Taxes & Spike is Displeased (added to)

Chapter 3 Day 2 Pinkie Files Her Taxes & Spike is Displeased (added to)

Princess Celestia
Your tax form says "Filers with a deceased spouse are entitled to the benefits of a joint return for the fiscal year of death" In a dream last night, Princess Luna married me to the late Granny Pie. This means I get (Standard Deduction x Fiscal Year Granny died = 25,000,000 bits) off the top of my taxes. Quite the savings. Thank Princess Luna for me.

But that's not why I'm writing. I want to know "When do I get the benefits of Granny's return"? I miss her.
Your grateful student
Pinkie
P.S. Please get me out of here!
Pinkie said we get sick if we don't eat & claimed our food as a medical expense.
She said you said the other Elements were depending on her & claimed them as dependents
She said my mustache depends on me & claimed it as a dependent
Everyone says she no longer lives in reality, so she claimed moving expenses.
Twilight tried to help her file her taxes. Now she just sits on the floor, staring at the wall, stroking her tail, & occasionally saying "Gollum" I'm scared
Spike

Dear Spike
There is no such thing as an Income Tax! The amount of arithmetic it would take is beyond comprehension, never mind being beyond accomplishing. Besides, I would never punish my little Ponies for working harder (and thus earning more). You should tell Twilight to relax and Stop sending me letters from Pinkie.

You both should know perfectly well that I simply create money whenever I need it. It is part of what governments do.

Once again, Pinkie has been playing Silly Buggers. You shouldn't play this with her -she is the World Champion, and FAR out of both your leagues.

Princess Celestia