“Everypony inside! Quickly!” Luna shouted before blasting another one of the creatures with her magic, a overweight blob of with armor that didn’t cover much and seemed to have cannons for arms.The blast sent it flying into a building, smashing into the wall. As it tried to get up Luna summoned a lightning bolt and incinerated it. She saw the last of the ponies make it past Celestia’s barrier and into the palace and took a moment to catch her breath.

She looked around at the carnage, the buildings destroyed and on fire. The monsters came from nowhere, as did the red mist and demonic storms. At first she thought it might have been an enemy from their past like Tirek, but this was far more brutal than anything even he would’ve done. There was no need to conquer or lord over anything, only a simple desire to destroy, and their weapons and powers were far more evil and destructive than anything she had ever seen.

After taking a few more moments to catch her breath she took to the skies, seeking more survivors.

Celestia tried to slow her breathing as felt the stress of holding up her barrier. Her worry was eased with every pony she felt that managed to get inside, and her fear increased with every monster that pounded at it. She hated that all she could do was just stand still concentrate while Luna went out and braved that… maelstrom outside.

Many of the citizens were in the throne room, huddled together for safety or staring outside at the grim red sky. The guards were directing everypony that came in towards the others as well as standing at the threshold, prepared to fight off the monstrosities should they manage to find a way inside while the castle staff provided the refugees with food, water, and medical attention. Their fear both reaffirmed her desire to protect her subjects and also made her fear for those who she didn’t know the whereabouts of.

Twilight, please be safe, she thought. At that moment a familiar spell appeared in front of her, a dragonfire message being sent. For an instant, her face brightened, only for dread to fill her heart as it seemed to be engulfed by a blood red flame. Before she could even process what had happened, something burst in through the wall, causing everypony to scream in terror, before bouncing off the floor and slamming into one of the pillars.

Celestia grimaced, mentally preparing herself for having to keep her shield up while also using combat spells, but then stopped as the smoke began to clear.

Is that… a giant walnut?

Celestia readied herself again as she saw it begin to crack, only to sigh in relief as she saw who came out when it opened.

“Whoo! That was rough! Should’ve added some padding,” Discord announced as he grabbed his neck, a series of pops ringing out as he turned it a full 360 degrees.

“Discord, please tell me this is all some joke in incredibly poor humor,” Celestia pleaded.

“So… you want me to lie?” he asked.

Celestia grimaced. “Then can you at least undo this madness?”

“Sorry, but it turns out that whatever these things are they’re immune to my chaos magic,” he explained. “This red mist limits my powers as well, hence why I used this method of transportation rather than just teleport here,” he explained pointing back the the large nut. He then noticed the burning scroll on the ground. “Guess it interferes with messages, too.” He then raised his claw, levitating the marble pieces back into place before he melded them all together in place. “Ugh, having to actually cast a levitation spell and repair spell. I miss my chaos magic already,” he muttered. “Basically, I can’t turn these things into ragdolls, but I can still toss them like one.”

Celestia sighed. “So there really is no quick solution, is there?”

“Now hold on there, I didn’t say that,” Discord smirked.

“Wh-What?”

“As it turns out while I was giving Ponyville a quick checkup, Fluttershy and her friends are fine by the way, though there were some casualties so you’ll want to deal with that afterwards, I happened to come across certain… specialist.”

“‘Specialist’? What kind of ‘specialist’?”

“Someone who’s taken on these things before… multiple times… successfully… by himself, honestly it’s really quite amazing. Like, it’s to the point that you have to wonder if taking these things down is the whole reason he existed in the first place.”

“Discord,” Celestia pressed.

“Right, sorry. Anyway, I managed to strike a little deal with him and he’s on his way to solve our little pest problem.”

“‘On his way?’ You mean you didn’t bring him here!?” Celestia yelled.

“Couldn’t teleport him here, remember?”

“Then why didn’t you bring him with you!?”

Discord laughed. “Me? And him? In an enclosed tight space? Nooooooo thank you! I’m not risking that!”

“What?” Celestia asked, surprised to hear him call this “help” a potential risk, one that apparently even he was afraid of.

“Look, point is, I gave him a shortcut. With luck, he’ll be here in a few hours, and it won’t be much longer until he’s dealt with our problem.”

Celestia mulled over his words before looking outside, seeing the horror her city had turned into. “Can he really defeat this?”

“Tia, if you’d seen his resume like I have, you wouldn’t be asking that question,” Discord assured her, a slight shiver going up his body.

Ten Minutes Earlier…

The Doom Slayer barrelled through the Whitetail Woods, his stamina nearly inexhaustible, as his eyes darted around to check for any enemies that were lying in wait or that would teleport in. He was so focused on this that he didn’t notice the oil slick that gushed from the ground until he slipped on it, comically sliding and slamming into a tree.

“Well well, what have we here?” came a voice from above. The Doom Slayer looked up and saw one of the tree branches sprout two eyes, red irises and yellow sclera, as well as a mouth with a snaggletooth and a goatee. “You look a little too serious to be from around these-”

The Doom Slayer cut the branch off by aiming and firing his super shotty, blasting it in half. The part that fell quickly morphed into a large mismatched being with a long serpentine body.

“Well, that’s rude,” the being complained as it hovered and righted itself. “You could’ve at least let me finish-”

The Doom Slayer fired the other barrel, instinctively breaching it open, ejecting the two shells and loading two more even before he had confirmed the buckshot had hit its mark. He was surprised to see the creature snap in half before quickly popping itself back together, avoiding the pellet spray.

“Okay, enough of that,” the creature said before an unseen force tried to pull the gun from his hand, but the Doom Slayer kept a firm grip. A moment later he was slammed back into the tree by the same force, held above the ground against it, and unfortunately dropped the gun. “Ok, buddy. I was sensing some strange stuff going around, and then I check up on Ponyville and find the place looks like a horde of blood hungry parasptrites tore through it. Then I happen to come across your energy signature heading away from it, one that’s not too different from the one covering Tia and Lulu’s little mountainside retreat. Gotta say, that doesn’t look good for you.” The Doom Slayer clenched his fists, ready to forced himself off the tree and strangle the offended creature. “But, I’d like to think I’ve learned not to judge on appearances, so…” the creature trailed off as he reached forwards and pulled the Doom Slayer’s head in half, much to his surprise. Even more surprising was that he wasn’t dead, nor in pain. “Let’s get a look at what’s in that noggin’ of-” the creature said as it stuck it’s face into the Doom Slayer’s head, only to recoil in shock, releasing him from it’s power as his popping back together, as it fell to the ground, scurrying away on its back as it shouted “SWEET MOTHER OF FAUST, WHAT IN THE ACTUAL BUCK!? I MEAN SERIOUSLY, HOLY BUCKING SHIT!” The creature’s expression was one of abject horror, its eyes wide and pupils shrunken. “IN THE NAME OF MY HANDSOME SELF, WHAT THE BUCK DID I JUST SEE!?”

The Doom Slayer quickly got up and drew his rocket launcher, aiming it at the creature and locking on.

“WAIT!” the creature shouted as it got up. “Just… Just wait a second,” it pleaded. It then snapped its claw and in a flash created a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. The Doom Slayer cautiously observed as it pulled out a one of the cigarettes from the pack, which appeared to made of licorice, before lighting it up and tank a long drag. A moment later, the creature tossed away the cigarette before putting the entire pack in its mouth and taking a comically large drag, exhaling smoke in a rainbow of colors. “Ok… calmed down a little more,” it muttered before turning to face him. “So then… I suppose introductions are in order. Name’s Discord, purveyor of all things chaotic and nonsensical. My card,” he introduced before snapping his paw.

In a flash of light a playing card floated down the Doom Slayer, who caught it. Pictured was Discord, dressed in a jester’s outfit, obviously resembling a Joker card. The Doom Slayer casually tore it half.

“Rude,” Discord huffed. “Anyway, seems I was mistaken and you’re not part of those masses of flesh and metal that have been appearing out of nowhere. And from what I could pick up from what’s in that skull of yours, you’ve got quite the hostile history with them.” He continued. “So, I’ve got a little proposition for you,” he continued, floating through the air as the Doom Slayer kept his weapon trained on him. “See that gaudy little city over there?” he asked pointing behind himself towards the city covered in red mist attached to the side of the mountain. “There’s two very important ponies over there. I’m honestly not that close with them, but if one of them bites the dust it’ll be a big problem for us. And if both of them go, well…” he trailed off. “Point is, you seem to be heading that way anyway, which I’m perfectly fine with, but from what I’ve seen your resume isn’t the best when it comes to… collateral damage. So, here’s the deal: you promise not to get anypony caught in the crossfire, and I’ll expedite your trip by as much distance as I can. After that, I’ll see about getting you back home, as it seems you’ve got some unfinished business.”

Though he doubted he could see it, the Doom Slayer glared at Discord suspiciously from under his helmet.

“What?” Discord asked indignantly. Then a look of realization crossed his face. “Oh, I get it. You’re on your toes because of being backstabbed by Dr. Scary Voice, right? Well, let me put you at ease. I don’t know how these things got here, but I don’t want them ever coming back. And since you seem to want to get rid of every last one in existence, I’d be more than happy to help you complete that goal,” he explained as he levitated the super shotgun into his claw and then offering to the Doom Slayer. “Good enough?”

The Doom Slayer gazed at his weapon for a moment before putting his rocket launcher away and taking it.

“Good. We’ll be seeing each other again soon,” Discord said before the Doom Slayer was blinded by a flash of light. A pop later, and his location had changed.

The Doom Slayer was surrounded by ponies in large booth seats, all staring at him in surprise. The sound of wheels against tracks and the moving environment outside allowed him to quickly realize he was on a train.

After a few moments, a stallion came up and tapped him on the leg. “Um… Friendship Express to Canterlot. Tickets, please?” he asked nervously, extending his hoof.

The Doom Slayer thought about this for a moment before clenching his fist, ready to knock the equine out cold, when he heard the sound of crinkling paper coming from his hand. He looked to see he was holding a ticket with an insignia of a regal looking pony on it. He could’ve sworn for a moment that it turned to wink at him.

Deciding that it would be more of a hassle not to, he chose to follow the rules just this once and handed the ticket over. The stallion punched the ticket and gave it back. “Enjoy your trip!” he said cheerfully before going to check the tickets of the other passengers. The Doom Slayer sighed and took a seat.

Author's Note

So, sorry about the lack of action this chapter, but it felt that it would help the story move along quicker as well as give the perspective of a few other key players. Don't worry, ass kicking, hot lead, and gore giblets fly next chapter.

In the meantime, enjoy the more relaxing (in my opinion) tones of the song this chapter is named after.