The Snark Knight Begins: One
DRIVEN BATTY
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Self Insert
By Tangent
"Everything seems to be in order," Dr. Big McLarge Horse tapped his hoof on the paperwork on his desk as he addressed the young Pegasus couple sitting across from him. "Thank you for volunteering as a host family for foster services."
"Well, uh..." the pegasus stallion, Straight Arrow, stammered slightly as he and his wife stared as the HORSE sitting across the desk from them. The doctor's presence seemed to fill the small office they were in, literally as well as metaphorically, and it was quite hard to ignore the fact that the stallion looming over them from way over there was most likely at least as big as the Princess, perhaps twice as broad, and built like a rock farmer. He should know, considering that he flew courier mail to the Pie family rock farm, and had seen Igneous Rock Pie showing his daughters how to shatter boulders with their hooves.
"What my husband is trying to say is that we felt that looking after a young filly or colt would be good practice for whenever we decide to have foals of our own," the pegasus mare, Raindancer, filled in when she realized that her husband was drawing a blank. Which was understandable, given how huge the doctor was.
Dr. Big McLarge Horse repressed a sigh, as that wasn't the best reason to foster a recovering filly with no known relatives living close by. They were the last pegasus couple on the list who happened to have a ground based home, and the only other couple on the list at the moment were the Cakes, neither of whom were either a thestral or a pegasus. The rest of the ponies on the list were all single, and not one of them was a flyer. On the other hoof, they had volunteered, and their reason wasn't the worst he had heard either.* Bracing himself for the worst, but hoping for the best, he spoke. "You do realize that your potential charge is a thestral filly, right?"
"Oh, yes," Straight Arrow nodded vigorously, shaken out of his stupor by the question. "Nice enough folk. Meet a few of them on the job from time to time. Didn't think we had any living in Ponyville though."
"We don't. Young Beatrice Abbigail Normal will be the first thestral resident registered in Ponyville's census records."
"Well it's certainly not a typical Ponyville name," Raindancer commented. "A bit of a mouthful, really. Does she have anything else she likes to go by?"
"So far, to the best of my knowledge, the young filly has admitted to Abby Normal, Batty, Nocturne, Ragnarok A Go Go, Armageddon A Capella, the Great and Powerful Woz, and Moonraker, although the one she responds the best to is Batty." Which was something that gave Dr. Big McLarge Horse a headache, considering that the young filly had most likely latched onto the rather derogatory nickname after hearing it applied to her. Possibly by his own staff. "Quite frankly, given the variety responses she gives whenever she's asked for her name, I doubt that she's given any of us her actual birth name yet."
"We'll see if we can get her to stick with one," Raindancer offered.
"So, when can we see the little darling?" Straight Arrow asked.
"Now's as good a time as any," Dr. Big McLarge Horse stated, standing up.
Straight Arrow and Raindancer quickly backed out of the now seemingly even smaller office and gaped in awe as Dr. Big McLarge Horse ducked low to follow them out.
*The worst reason Dr. Big McLarge Horse had heard from a prospective pegasus couple seeking to take in Beatrice Abigail Normal was from Solar Heights and Stormcloud. Who had showed up to the interview with a steak marinated in garlic, and a large book emblazoned with Princess Celestia's crest. He had thrown the pair out of the hospital on their declaration of their intent to purge the demon from the young filly. Damn self righteous empty headed neosolar evangelical reformists. And their paperwork had looked so promising too...
Oddly enough, Miss Normal had enjoyed the steak once it was properly cooked for her. At least once she was assured that it hadn't come from a cow or other sapient creature.
* o O o O o *
The young thestral filly in question was found playing in the small courtyard behind the hospital, under the watchful gaze of Nurse Tender Loving Care, who was watching her hop and bounce between various squares, circles, and other shapes that had been drawn on the paving stones with chalk. Occationally, her bat-like wings would flutter madly as she attempted to assist herself across particularly wide gaps from drawing to drawing, But Dr. Big McLarge Horse could tell that she was still having trouble gaining any altitude. Still, the little filly had made excellent progress otherwise over the past few weeks since she had finally woken up. And she was singing again.
Dr. Big McLarge Horse reserved his judgement as to whether or not this was a good thing, given that the young filly's singing had scared away two previous prospective foster couples. Sounded pleasant enough this time though.
"I'm being followed by a moon shadow..."
"Well, the tune was nice, Batty, but the lyrics were kind of horrifying. Maybe you could change them to something a bit more pleasant?" The sound of clapping hooves stopped any further advice that Nurse Tender Loving Care might have provided.
"That was wonderful!" the pegasus mare exclaimed cheerfully. There weren't too many thestrals in the cloud dancing circuit (well, none at all currently as far as she knew), and visions of dance classes and voice lessons for the young filly filled her imagination. She was sure that with a little training and discipline, the young filly before her would have a bright future ahead of her.
"None of this nonsense about losing your wings, young lady," her companion stated firmly. "We'll have you up in the air in no time."
"Hello?" the confused filly greeted the two pegasi (and Dr. I'm-Not-So-Secretly-An-Actual-Clydesdale - it was kind of hard to miss him, really), tilting her head to one side as she looked at them.
"Now come along, Moon Shadow! We need to get moving if we want to get your room set up nicely before your bedtime."
"But I'm only awake right now because the kitchen doesn't serve lunch at mid... wait, Moon Shadow?"
"Well, the doctor here was just telling us that you don't seem to be sure what your name actually is, and Moon Shadow sounds like such a nice one. I'll help you clean up the lyrics of that little song of yours though. The nurse is right, they are kind of horrifying if you think about them. Whatever were you thinking?"
"That it was just a nice song I remember from when I was little," the apparently newly dubbed Moon Shadow stated, tilting her head the other way as she tried to decide whether or not she wanted to make a break for it.
"Can you remember any others?" the pegasus mare asked.
"Sorta maybe? My memory isn't really the best right now."
"I'm sure we can work on that too."
"Um, shouldn't you be introducing yourselves? I mean, before arbitrarily renaming me or whatever?"
"Oh, right! Well, I'm Raindancer, and this is my husband, Straight Arrow. We're going to be your new foster family!"
"Okay?"
Well, at least this pair hadn't opened up by throwing raw meat at her face. Though she was still debating just how far she could feasibly run before Doctor Oh-My-God-You're-Huge caught up to her again...
* o O o O o *
The recently renamed Moon Shadow trotted amiably between the friendly Pegasus couple who had just become her foster parents as they made their way through Ponyville. There was, she noted, a lot less pink and lavender than she remembered from the show, although they were still present in significant enough quantities that they were probably the town's official colors. Either that, or the resouceses to produce stains and dyes in those particular colors were plentiful nearby, and thus less expensive to buy in bulk locally. It could be anything, really, but while Moon Shadow was somewhat curious about it, she wasn't interested enough to actually ask.
Well, not about why pink, lavender, and cream were the predominant colors of choice for most external walls at any rate.
"Do you live in a cloud? How does the furniture stay up there? How does the plumbing work? Do cloud homes even have plumbing? Is Super Mario a thing here? What about other video games? I think I saw some arcade consoles over... yes! There they are!"
Raindancer laughed at the little fillies rapid-fire questions. "We don't live in a cloud house, Moon Shadow. Straight Arrow and I live in a nice little two story family cottage near the post office where he works."
"Oh," Moon Shadow tried to keep the disappointment out of her response, and instead turned her attention more fully on the outdoor arcade consoles they were going to pass near. The titles she could see from this angle were Diggy Dog, Pack Mare, Prance Prance Celebration, and Bunny Quest II, with a few other cabinets set at the wrong angles for her to see what their names were.
"Would you like to try some of the games, Moon Shadow?" Raindancer asked.
"Yes, please!"
"Maybe after we pick out some furniture for your room," Straight Arrow suggested. "We're almost at Quill's & Sofa's, and if we arrange to have the furniture delivered, we can see how much time we have available afterwards for Hayburgers and a few games."
"Sounds like a plan," Raindancer agreed. "What do you think, Moon Shadow?"
"Can I get one of those bunk thingies where the bed is above and there's a desk below?"
"We'll see," Strait Arrow responded neutrally.
Quill's & Sofa's turned out to be a full on furniture store, although the main display room was primarily taken up by a variety of sofas. It also has a small section near the sales counter where quills and other writing supplies. They were greeted by a pair of Earth Pony stallions shortly after entering the store.
"Welcome to Quill's and Sofa's! I'm Quill, and this is my son, Davenport!* May we interest you in some writing supplies, or perhaps a sofa or two?"
"We're getting a bedroom set for our new foster daughter, Moon Shadow," Raindancer spoke up, placing a wing over the small threstral by her side. "She's interested in a loft bed with a desk and maybe a chest underneath."
"I'm not familiar with the design, but I'm sure Sofa will know what you're talking about, or would be able to make it if you give her a description. Davenport, go get your mother. She's probably in the back making sofas."
"Again," Davenport commented under his breath. "Sure, Dad!" And with that, Davenport set off on his epic quest into the warehouse section of the store, in search of Sofa. "Seriously, Mom needs to find a different hobby. We already have two dozen sofas on the showroom floor..."
"While we're waiting, can I interest the little lady in a set of writing supplies? School's not too far off now, and it's never too early to get a head start on the things you need!"
"Do you have a typewriter?"
"Do you know how to use one of those monstrosities," Quill asked suspiciously, his tone no longer quite as friendly.
"How hard could it be?" Moon Shadow asked, tilting her head as she wondered about Quill's suddenly cold attitude. "Don't they only have two keys?"
"Two keys on a finnicky, high maintenance selection mechanism that needs to be well cared for if you don't want to spend more time with it in the shop for repairs than on your desk being a paperweight.** Maybe they'll be worth something once they get all the bugs out, but until then the blasted things are far more trouble than they're worth. You'll find that you'll go a lot farther, and faster, with a decent set of quills and inks, with maybe some pencils on the side."
"Uh... Okay?" Moon Shadow tentatively agreed, not wanting to upset Quill over a subject that he was clearly passionate about. "Do you have colored pencils?"
"No, but you can find them at Drawing Board's Arts & Crafts Shoppe, three doors down, along with a selections of crayons, paints, and other art supplies. We do have a variety of colored inks though, which I assure you will be quite fun once you're good enough with a brush or quill."
"Hmmm... Calligraphy lessons might be just the thing to help speed along Moon Shadow's therapy," Straight Arrow commented thoughtfully as the young (looking) thestral looked at him in horror.
"I think Libram Codex still gives private tutoring lessons in calligraphy," Raindancer agreed, blithely ignoring her new foster daughter's evident distaste at the idea. She'd get over it and come out better from the extra lessons. "We can stop by the Golden Oak Library and ask her while getting Moon Shadow registered for her library card." Raindancer smiled as Moon Shadow perked up at the mention of getting a library card. Reading was a nice quiet hobby, and if Moon Shadow ended up having to keep a more nocturnal schedule like she was using back at the hospital, it would be nice if she had something quiet to occupy her time with.
"Hi, I'm Sofa," a mare introduced herself as she entered the showroom from the back with Davenport following along behind her. "I understand that you are interested in a young filly's loft bed with attached desk and... AAAAAAAHHH! A RAT-BAT!"***
Moon Shadow was suddenly introduced to a flying, two-seat sofa before experiencing an involuntary nap.
There were many apologies, and Moon Shadow's new bedroom set was provided free of charge, complete with a complimentary set of writing supplies that were all set up and waiting for her the next day when she was ready to be released from the hospital once again.
Despite the apologies and the free furniture, Rainddancer didn't want Moon Shadow to go inside Quill's and Sofa's without either her or Straight Arrow along to make sure nothing happened to her.
On the plus side, while dealing with the concussion, Moon Shadow finally figured out how to pick up stuff with her hooves. Not well, but it was a start.
*Later, after his parents retired, Davenport would shorten the name of Quill's & Sofa's to Quills & Sofas after taking over the shop.
**Quill had bought an early model Equestrian typewriter once, when they first came out. His experience with it was such that he has distrusted the horrible things ever since. The one A.K. Yearling uses is a more recent model with most of the bugs worked out. She also does her own maintenance on it, which she finds not too unlike solving one of the traps she tends to come across in her other line of work, so she's been quite happy with her typewriter.
***To be very clear, Sofa isn't being racist towards Moon Shadow for being a thestral. She's just had an unfortunately traumatic close encounter with some random wildlife that had wandered out of the Everfree Forest when she was a filly, and has been terrified of giant bats ever since. To be fair, said giant bats are equally terrified of Sofa, and have yet to make another excursion into Ponyville even now, three generations later.
The Snark Knight Begins: Insertion Point (UPDATED: 7/16/2017)
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Self Insert
By Tangent
Doctor Big McLarge Horse sighed. “You named her Batty? That’s pretty unimaginative. And possibly insulting.”
“It’s just a descriptor until she wakes up and can tell us what her name is," the intern, Jelly Donut, defended his decision, trying not to be intimidated by the rather large stallion whose head brushed up against the hallway's ceiling. "It’s not like there are any other negasi in Ponyville to confuse her with.”
“Thestral,” Dr. Big McLarge Horse corrected with a scowl.
“What?”
“The proper term for her tribe is thestral. Or nocturnus if you want to use the Old Equish term.”
“Really? I’ve always heard them referred to as either negasi or bat ponies,” JD admitted.
“Look, just don’t use that term if you can at all avoid it. Especially around any actual thestrals or pegasi.”
“Is it really that important?”
“Calling her a negasus implies that she’s a deformed member of the pegasus tribe. Which is insulting to both tribes in general.”
“Oh. I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll keep it in mind.”
“See that you do.”
“Um…” JD hesitated.
“Yes?”
“Do thestrals drink blood?”
Dr. Big McLarge Horse put a hoof to his face. “She arrived in the middle of the day and was exposed to direct sunlight without promptly burning down to a pile of ash. I think it’s safe to conclude that she isn’t a fictional monster.”
“Maybe she’s a vampire fruit-pony?”
“And now you’re just making stuff up.”
“Hey! It could happen!”
Jelly Donut wilted under Dr. Big McLarge Horse's glare.
*o O o O o*
Waking up in a hospital bed wasn’t new.
Nor was waking up in pain.
Waking up as a member of another species, one with an extra pair of limbs, no fingers or toes, and the wrong gender on top of all that? That was actually quite a bit different, and she didn't know how to feel about all of (or even any of) the changes.
So she ended up feeling emotionally numb about her new situation. Oh, there'd be a reaction later. Panic, confusion, curiosity, denial, and acceptance. And not necessarily in that order. But at the moment, she couldn't really bring herself to care all that much.
Instead, she was feeling the eternal 'meh' of being in the hospital, with vague memories of bright light, loud thunder, and intense pain, without any recollection of the actual cause of any of it.
Her arms, or actually forelegs now that she looked at them, were covered in grey fur and ended in hooves. Her face had a short muzzle, and what little she saw of what she now assumed to the bangs of a mane drooping in front of her eyes indicated that it was black. Or at least had black as a primary component.
Running her tongue over her teeth revealed that she had prominent fangs bracing her incisors. Those on the top more being larger than the bottom pair. the rest of her teeth felt about normal, so she expected that her diet was still basically omnivorous in nature. She'd have to check that somehow.
She had ears that she could swivel independently of each other (and what an interesting sensation that was), and could hear a feint hum from the lamp on the nightstand next to the hospital bed she was in, as well as faint chatter and the clip-clop of hooves walking through what she presumed to be a nearby hallway.
On top of all that, she apparently also had what felt like a distorted pair of arms connected to her back. Was she a Pegasus?
No...
She was pretty sure that Pegasus wings didn't have fingers with skin stretched between them. Or the sharp teeth for that matter. So she had to be a bat pony (or whatever they were called).
That probably explained why everything seemed so bright. Not unbearably so, but still uncomfortable.
"Good morning, Batty!" a white pony wearing a nurse's cap called out as she entered the room. "It's time to get you cleaned up and... Oh! You're awake!"
"Um... Hi?" She was named Batty? Wasn't that a bit like calling a pegasus 'Birdy'? "I... guess I'm feeling okay?"
"Well, that's good. So... Could you tell me your name, dear?"
"Beatrice Abigail Normal," the filly snarked, feeling an impish impulse. "I think I prefer Batty though. It's better than being called Abby Normal."
"I... suppose it would be," the nurse responded, wondering what got into some parents when it came to naming their foals. Still, it was good that they had a proper name for the young thestral filly now. And even better that she liked being called Batty, as she was likely to be hearing it a lot as the staff had gotten used to using it over the past several weeks.
Batty, for her part, had no idea that the nurse didn't realize that she was joking, and just provided the first name she could think of off the top of her head on a whim. To be honest, she was fine with having Batty as a nickname. It gave her an excuse to be a bit silly when she felt like it.
She had a feeling that she'd be leaning on her sense of humor a lot in the immediate future.
“What’s your name?” Batty asked the nurse as she tried to figure out how to get down off of the bed. Judging from how big everything seemed to be in comparison to herself, she guessed that she was physically about the size that the CMC were in season one. Or perhaps just a bit smaller.
“It’s Tender Loving Care,” the nurse replied, smiling as she helped the young filly get to the floor. “Careful now. You’ve been in bed for a while, so you may be a little unsteady on your hooves.”
Batty couldn’t help but agree with this assessment as she stood shakily on all four legs. Only for all four legs to shoot out from under her, leaving her sprawled out on the floor.
“Oh my! Are you okay, Batty?” Nurse TLC asked, firmly suppressing a giggle.
“Just inspecting the floor,” Batty replied dryly. “It’s very clean.”
“That’s nice. Do you think you can get up again on your own, or would you like some help?”
“No, no, I got this,” the filly waved off the offer with a wing as she attempted to stand up again, only for her legs to scrabble against the smooth floor. Just as she was almost upright again, her forelegs betrayed her by slipping to the rear, leaving her with her chin on the floor and her flank in the air. “I think my dignity just died.”
“Oh dear…”
“Okay, third time’s the charm…” Batty started to shift her forelegs under her to try to lift herself up again, only for her rear legs to start scrabbling as her balance shifted, resulting in her scooting foreward at a respectable clip. “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! WALL!” THUMP!!! “Owchies…”
“Maybe we should get you a safety mat to practice on first,” Nurse Tender Loving Care offered. “Or maybe a wheelchair first, since we still have to get you clean, and I think you’d prefer to do it in a bathroom.”
“Thank you,” Batty sighed in resignation.
She’d have to show the floor who was boss later, once she was more coordinated.
Oh yes, maintaining a sense of humor about all of this was going to be a must...
*o O o O o*
“And here we are,” Nurse Tender Loving Care said as she lifted Batty from the wheelchair and set her in the tub. “Let’s get you nice and clean.”
“Yay?” the young (looking) thestral was uncertain how she felt about her current situation. She experimentally tried to pick up a sponge with one of her hooves. Emphasis on ‘tried,’ as no matter how she turned, twisted, or pressed, she could not seem to grasp it well enough to pick it up. At least not with just one hoof. Unfortunately, having to use two hooves to hold the sponge limited where she could reach with it, and handling it was still awkward at best. Then Batty tried to position it better between her hooves by using her mouth…
“Bleh!”
“Got a mouth full of soap, did you?”
“… yes.” Ooh! Her wings were vaguely hand-like! Or, at the very least, had ‘thumbs’ which she could use to try to hold things! Perhaps if she just reached around with one and… “Ow!”
“Are you alright?”
“M’fine,” Batty mumbled, holding a hoof to the closed eye. “Just poked myself in the eye with a wing.”
“Let me have a look at it,” Nurse TLC said as she gently pulled Batty’s hoof away from the eye and then held the eye open. “I don’t see any obvious damage, but I’m going to have somepony get one of the doctors to look at you. Will you be alright by yourself for just a moment?”
“Yes.”
“Just wait patiently,” Nurse TLC requested as she turned off the water. “I’ll be right back.”
“Okay,” Batty nodded agreeably, resolving to just sit there quietly.
…
Experimentally, she splashed some of the water around with one of her hooves.
“Hehe…”
That was more fun than Batty expected. Still, Nurse TLC would be back any moment now and she wanted to make a good impression. Best to just sit still.
…
Carefully keeping her wings away from her face, Batty tried splashing water with them.
“Hahaha!”
Okay, okay, almost made a mess there. Time to quiet down and be a good little filly.
…
Oh, what could having a little fun hurt?
“Bwahahahahaha!!!”
*o O o O o*
“She’s right in here, Doctor…” Nurse Tender Loving Care’s voice trailed off as she saw that every available surface in the bathroom was now dripping wet, and Batty was now laying awkwardly beside the tub, trying to use her wings and hooves to pry the rinse pail off of her head. “What happened!? I was only gone for five minutes!”
“I have no idea,” Batty claimed, not quite sure she could explain the sequence of events herself. “Um… Could you get this bucket off of my head? It’s kinda stuck…”
“Oh, Beatrice Abigail Normal, what am I going to do with you?”
Author's Note
As of 5/8/2018, Pinklestia is no-longer serving as a co-writer of this story. We did not have a falling out, as such, but anytime either of us tried to get together to work on this story, one or the other of us would present ideas or directions for Batty that the other didn't want to use or follow.
It probably wasn't the best idea for our first collaborative effort be done with a self-insert story, so my apologies to Pinklestia, as Driven Batty was the story I was working on at the time when Pinklestia first proposed that we try to co-write something together.
Pinklestia and I may end up working on another collaborative story at some point in the future, but Driven Batty is not going to be that story. From here on out, the bat flies solo...
