Bittersweet Truth or Deadly Silence
Is a name one's destiny? Are we destined to become the very string of letters are parents weaved together for us, sometimes before we are even born? Is it coincidence that Princess Luna became the ruler of the night? Is it mere chance that turned a rock farming pony such as Pinkie Pie into a fun-loving baker at Sugar Cube Corner? Or what about the famous Picture Perfect, DJPon3 (or is it Vinyl Scratch? Meh, whatever), or how about the valiant Shining Armor? Is my name any different?
I am Eclipse Nightshade. Now that's hardly an easy name to decipher. What could an astronomical event and a simple purple flower have to do with my destiny? They hardly even seem to go together in any meaningful way. An eclipse blots out the sun, casting the daytime into an ominous twilight, while a nightshade comes in many forms, all of which ranging from mild to deathly toxicity.
But what could any of this have to do with me? I hardly have the power to scratch bark off a tree, much less blot out the sun, and I doubt anyone will be eating me for dinner any time soon. After all, I am a winged wolf. Few predators would dare try to catch me if they have so much as a wink of intelligence. So what could have inspired such a name as "Eclipse Nightshade". Was it my appearance?
With dark grey fur, a white muzzle and under belly, vibrant green eyes, a hint of bright purple tipping off various regions of my fur as well as my feathers, and an elaborately detailed yellow embellishment upon my chest, such a conclusion would certainly seem possible. Yet that still doesn't shine any light on how it will shape my destiny. I can't have been given a random name. Even if it is purely coincidental that so many others became representative of their names, it certainly seems to be how this world works.
What about the mark on my chest? I've seen ponies practically jumping out of their horse shoes out of sheer joy for getting a similar mark on their flanks. Supposedly it represents their calling, their "special talent". In my childhood, it was just a part of becoming an adult. Sure there was a little excitement. But in the end it's just a visual representation of the change from an easy, relaxing childhood, to an utterly stressful period of work and extra curricular activity. Of course, my mark is unique just as everyone's is. It's quite intricate with the likeness of a rook at it's center, and a much less obvious heart towards its bottom. The rook specifically represents me. It represents my love of games (specifically chess), but it's also the stone tower that I am for others, it is a strong piece on the board game of life. I love seeing others happy. It leaves me feeling rather splendid to see that I can help another through personal affairs. Maybe the heart has something to do with that as well.
However, that description hardly seems to match my title, nor my life even. How could someone like that wind up feeling so, alone? How could I look at the world around me and see the same bland, colorless plane of existence day in and day out? How could I miss the warm feeling of another's embrace? How can I carry though my days feeling like the world around me is so, fake? Like no matter what I do, the world finds a way to push it back to the way things were as if some idiot had pressed some sort of magic "reset" button? Am I incapable of finding lasting happiness? Is my happiness in a square diagonal from my position? Is it that because I'm a rook I cannot simply move diagonally to reach the happiness I so badly desire?
I tried getting crafty. I tried going the long way. I tried going forward a square and then sideways another. But in the end, all I found was a wealth of heart ache and misery! So am I destined to dwell in darkness? Is that the "eclipse" part of my destiny? Not will my nights be dark, but my days as well?
I wish I would have known that sooner. It definitely would have saved her the trouble.
She was everything to me. She was the moon my dark nights have been missing, lost to the day where it blocked the light of the sun. She moved into my life and everything became colorful, became real. She was my strength. She was my compassion. She was my Moon.
Moon didn't deserve what I'd done to her. I hurt her. Why did I have to hurt her? I was so lost, so confused.
Grandfather had cancer, and I had been stricken with worry. To the point of tears even. Moon had a wing around me. She was trying her best to calm me down.
"A lot of others would kill to have the time you still have with him, you know," She'd said.
"But why does he have to suffer? He deserves a quick and painless death, not more pain and suffering." I replied.
"Huh. I said the same thing when my bunny died, but I feel better now knowing that he's safe and warm. He was so cold when he died, and I'm glad that we were able to hold him, and that he knew we loved him as he passed. Yes, yes, a bunny is nothing compared to losing your family, but it's still the same. You should say good-bye to your grandfather."
"That's a good idea. I still think I'd rather him just go than have the chance to say good-bye."
"Okay, when? When will you say good-bye? Sorry for getting hard on you, but a lot of other wolves would kill for the chance you have."
I didn't understand why she was getting so stern with me. She was supposed to be comforting me, not yelling at me. Who does that? "I'll do it when I'm ready. I still don't get why he has to suffer, though."
"You know what, never mind. Do whatever you want to."
"Do what I want to?"
"Yes."
At that point my emotions turned to rage. She'd already ignored me, shrugged me away when I tried to help her, and lied to me. I was not about to let her go any further without her telling me what was wrong.
"What's that supposed to mean? I said I'd do as you said, didn't I? Now listen here, coward. You had better tell me what the problem is. My god, this is the most fucking childish thing you've ever done!"
The look in her eyes. They said the whole story. The absolute absence of any love or hatred. Only pure indifference. The look that screams "I don't care". The last look I'd ever get before she walked right out the front door, concluding the final time I'd ever get to see her.
It took three of my best friends to finally calm me down. One of them had shown me the error of my ways. He said my humor, while made in a jokingly manner, has a tone that suggests otherwise. Whether or not this is the reason Moon found it so hard to be my friend, let alone my significant other, I'll never know. But one thing's for sure, I am toxic.
My days and nights alike are dark. My Moon is gone, and my sun is blocked out. I hurt my friends by simply talking to them. I have a pinch of poison in my words that eventually killed the relationship I had with the one I loved most in this world. My life is an eclipse, my soul is a nightshade, I am forever destined to be Eclipse Nightshade.
