The mad place

by Cauchemar

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Gummy, Sex, Random, Derpy Hooves, Human, Anthro, Main 6
Length: 2906

A human wizard. twisted and mad has found his way to the world of Equis. there will be violence. there will be confusion. There Will Be Pudding!

Lazmer. Grand wizard of Florida, keeper of unpaid parking tickets, Guardian of abandoned sandwiches. This great and mighty wizard has done much for the people of Florida (mostly Property Damage) but now he seeks to do more. to bring his great talents to a new land. A land of magic and product placement.
he was aiming for EuroDisney but equestrian works too.

fair warning. I'm going to go nuts here. this is my brain fart zone. theres going to be rudeness, crass and dark humor, Craziness and nonsense, and anthro ponies. probably no sex.100% wll be sex jokes though so adding the tag. if you are not interested in that this will not be the place for you.

secondary warning. I am slow as fuck with updates.

Published 2016-12-05 20:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-06 20:36:29 UTC

The hero escapes!

Author's Note

Chapter 1 wont have a lot of ponies. It's basically a introduction to the main character and my version of the two princesses. I've left out a whole bunch of things about his past. they'll be revealed as needed.

One thing I'm going to get out of the way now. you'll see weird versions of certain characters. some because of Lazmer's influence, some of these versions will be my own ideas, others will be based off of someone else's versions of the characters.

ps. look at his magic tools colors and see if you can guess what god he prays to.

pps. this story failed to get past the mods once so I went back and fixed it. I tried to do the mod review publish for chapter one but it's been at least 4 days. I know they are busy and I'm not complaining. so I did the auto-approve that you can do after you have a few stories up. if a site mod sees the story and has a problem please tell me and I'll make the needed changes.

The hero escapes!

Our story begins as most wizarding stories do. With sadness and loss. The part we are starting at however begins with a naked wizard being held at gunpoint in a old walmart.

More specifically a standard issue police stungun was being pointed at him by (surprisingly) a very confused and exasperated cop. The cop in question being a small latino male in his 40's brown eyes and salt n pepper hair prematurely aged by situations like this. "Ok Mr. Meridinn put the um. the. what the hell is that?" A fair question. The object in question was about as big as a baseball bat and made of a eye bleeding mixture of hot pink, lime green, and mustard yellow. It looked like it may have at one point been lit on fire. There were also a few stickers and what looked to be glitter sprinkled all over it highlighting strange symbols carved into the object.

The wizard seemed offended by his questions. "how dare you sir." He puffed himself up to his full height a perfectly respectable 4'8 and with angry green eyes glared (metaphorical) daggers at the lawman. "How Dare You! this is a specially crafted item of both mystic self protection and a tool of worship. A Conduit for Faith and Magic."

The police officer sighed. Of course it was. "Liam please. That's probably a stolen wiffleball bat covered in melted Crayola or something."
Officer Harris rubbed his eyes already feeling the usual migraine coming on. Three years of this. If it wasn't one thing it was another. "look Liam I can let you off with a warning this ONE last time since this building is abandoned. You didn't really do much but scare some kids and flash a few seniors. But after this you're out of chances. No more friends or family to bail you out. No more favors. This happens again its jail time. Understand?"

The wizard was quiet. For a second Harris thought he might have gotten through to the clearly disturbed 26 year old.
"Colortastic."
Harris raised a eyebrow. "what?"
The wizard grinned at him in a way that was making the old lawman uncomfortable. it was probably the way he had his head tilted so his (obviously dyed) rust colored hair hid his eyes. Dramatic little bastard.
"I use colortastic I'm allergic to Crayola."

Harris tazed him.

The great wizard Lazmer woke up dumped on the lawn of his house forcibly clothed by the deplorable town guard (and he clearly was evil and deplorable. DC Comics? everyone knows Marvel is better) . "At least he was considerate enough to leave the Conduit for us" And it was true. The eye watering abomination against color coding was laying in the dirt next to him. The great wizard rose from the ground with all the grace in his body ( stumbling around like a drunk chicken) and grabbed the Conduit.
"They don't want us anymore Twitch. We spend three years keeping out the evils of the world, all the ghost, and goblins, and people who skipped arc 1 of jojo, and this is how they repay us?! Well screw them. we're going to a new place, a magic place! With Blackjack and Hookers!

"Lovely. and are you sure this wont be like last time? Because one time landing in a dimension of nothing but bees is more than enough."

The wizard burst into his house and began throwing items about like a hurricane. collecting and discarding items seemingly at random.

"I'll make sure not to mix up the honey and ectoplasm this time. Lets see, two pints of cow blood, fifteen rat tails, two boxes of frosted flakes, three liters of ectoplasm, two sunflowers, aaaaand one Doll from that horse show. this should be a close enough mix to get us to our destination."

"With a mix like that you're either sending us to a world of madness or a world of consumerism. Dare I ask which one?"

"We're going to EuroDisney!" the wizard happily proclaimed as he mixed the odd assortment of ingredients into a thick purple sludge that hissed like a rattlesnake. Once it was all mixed without any lumps he grabbed the Conduit and pointed it at the bowl.

" *************** " Unearthly sounds emerged from the wizards mouth as the conduit and bowl both lit up with a green glow. After the glow faded the paste had changed from purple into a dark black that seemed to suck the light.

The wizard scooped out a handful of the goop and begun covering the frame of his door in it. The goop seemingly being absorbed into the old wooden frame instantly. Soon the entire doorway was done and the wizard stood before it with a bag of essentials (and some clothes and food).
"well Twitch we're off. BLACKJACK. HOOKERS."

At his yell two small white kittens came tumbling and running into the room meowing and purring.
"Awwwww. Can't forget you two little guys. Come on little ones. into the bag for daddy." The two little fluffballs looked up at their wizard with the absolute trust and adoration that you can only get from tiny things that depend on you for food. Then with a crouch and a cute little butt wiggle the little kitties jumped into the bag disappearing with a soft flump sound. After peeking to make sure his babies were secured Lazmer turned to the doorway and with a tap of his conduit the doorway blackened changing from a exit leading to the front yard into a portal leading to the void. The great wizard adjusted his pants, checked is cup and with that Lazmer walked forth into a new world whistling to the tune of smooth criminal.

Meanwhile on the world beyond the portal Princess Celestia bolted awake Amethyst eyes wide and frightened. Lying in bed she tried to get her racing heart and confused thoughts under control. Something horrible had happened. She couldn't see the future! Years and years of plans suddenly all dashed in a instant. Quickly the Alabaster princess stood and shrugged on her fluffy yellow bathrobe hiding her (small) figure in its fluffy folds.

Now dressed and much more awake Celestia turned to the door intent on finding her sister. "LLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" By running through the halls screaming in a panic until she found her. To the everyday pony seeing their dignified princess running around screaming like a madmare was unthinkable. To Princess Luna however this brought up many memories of her sisters younger days when she carried around a timetable and had a breakdown if it went off by a second. Sometimes she got so worked up she'd declare the day a failure and demand a do-over. In fact ponies complaining about the constant resets was the entire reason her mother taught her the future sight spell.

And now the spell was failing. Great. Luna crawled out of her bed blue mane messy and eyes bleary the blue beauty slowly began maneuvering past the piles of clothes picking up a pair of purple shorts and a Blue T-shirt from the cleanest looking pile. Suitably (for her) dressed for wandering the castle Luna went to go calm her older ( and much less stacked) sister.

Exiting her room she found her dear sister already in stage 2 of her 5 stage meltdown process. "I'm up Celly. What's wrong?" Luna ended up taking a rainbow haired missile to the (sizeable) chest. "Moony help! I cant see the future! how am I supposed to know if Alpha Scratch from the diamond dogs will still arrive at 12:23? what if he's early and I haven't gotten his accommodations ready? What if he's late and I accidentally put Commander Whipwings from the Griffins in there? What if he gets bored on the way to the throne room and decides to dig up the statue garden and unleashes a new evil upon equestria?!"

Luna waited for her sisters meltdown rant to end and signaled for a passing maid to get them two drinks. Tea for celestia (seven sugars and a squirt of lime) and milk for her. "Celly. The diplomat rooms have been ready for a week and have the names already written on the door. Also we had the prison statues moved to the dungeons last week. remember? blueblood got a statue of himself to replace Snuffles the strangler."

Celestia slowly calmed. Right, everything would work out. except now she had been up for 40 minutes past her bedtime and everything was thrown off. Luna saw her sister begin vibrating in her arms. Luckily the drinks arrived. One sip of the spiked tea and celestia was quiet again.
Luna probably should be more worried about this but to be completely honest she was just happy for a chance to wean her sister off of that spell. If Twilight could function with OCD without Future sight then Celestia could learn too.

Now to get back to that dream of being a sexy space pirate.

Lazmer has landed!

It was a 'meh' day in Ponyville. Cloudy from the storm earlier and muggy enough to make almost all the ponies lethargic.
CRASH!
Almost all. Pinkie pie was a typhoon in coveralls bouncing around sugarcube corner quickly constructing what appeared to be a throne of pillows with her trusted pet gummy sitting on the sidelines. One of the patrons was becoming curious. "Pinkie what in Luna's moon are you doing?" The pink tornado slowed down until it was nothing but a pink mare trembling in excitement. "I'm getting ready! Gummy says we're getting a guest! A guest different from all the rest." This left everyone in earshot confused and cautious. Pinkie pie doing strange things was perfectly ok, Pinkie pie doing strange things based instructions from something that cant talk....well that never ended well. Some of the ponies were switching from confused looks being thrown at gummy and wary looks being thrown at pinkie. So it took everyone a few seconds to notice the portal on the ceiling.

"AAAAH FUCK!" At least until the weird guy came flying out of it and landed back first on a stool right next to the glorious pillow throne.

"Oh no! I forgot to carry the 7! Now he'll never want me to throw him a party, and I'll start listening to the voices again, and start writing those scary stories again, then rainbow will read them again and wont want to be my friend!' The pink mare babbled while hugging the metaphorical stuffing out of Gummy who's wide purple eyes were locked on the newcomer.

"ooooh damn what hit me? feels like I just reenacted a seen from a batman movie" Lazmer said as he rolled off the stool.

"Greetings World Walker and merry met. To answer your Question It was a Whitetale woods Barstool with enchanted never break wood-gloss. And you hit it." Lazmer was used to hearing voices in his head. both his own and those from others. So it didn't take him long to trace the magic sending the thoughts to him back to the small gator. "Dang somebody must have worked some serious mojo on you little buddy. My names Lazmer, who are you?"
"My Ancestor actually. My name is Gummy Glatisant Gator."
Before he could continue his conversation with the enhanced gator his little buddy disappeared as the mare hugging him started to twirl.
"My little Gum-Gum made a friend! This is great now you won't stare out the window all day or stare at my rope stash all night.'

Lazmer honestly thought the scene was quite cute. The patrons however were thinking of other things.
"where did that guy come from?"
"I don't see any fur on him, you think he's sick?"
"Oh man not another Pinkie!"
"what if he's retarded changeling or something?"

Hearing this Lazmer prepared to make his Great and Daring escape only to realize one thing.
"Hey miss? umm not to be a buzzkill but I kinda can't feel my legs."
And the panic doubled.

Turns out he hit that chair hard enough to put pressure on a whole bunch of nerves and pressure points. It was weird that nothing was broken but Nurse redheart was willing to pass it off as a species difference after getting a good look at him. His biology was weird, what kind of creature only has one stomach?

Never the less as he hadn't shown signs of serious sickness or life threatening injury she was forced to stick him in a wheelchair and let him go.
Right into the waiting care of The ponyville guards. Just because they are peaceful doesn't mean they are stupid.
So now our hero sits in a cell dealing with the worst torture imaginable.
"But how will I know she likes me for me? I mean what if she's just interested is Brute shot the guard and not Brute shot the pony?"
"you'll never know if you don't give her a chance. Lime twist seems like a nice mare I'm sure you'll be fine"
Relationship troubles. This conversation had been going on for four hours. FOUR. HOURS.
"you're probably right, but how can I be sure?"
That was the last straw.
"Oh my fucking gods just tell her you quit being a guard or got fired and are instead going to pursue your passion. Then ask her out. If she says no, she's a Bragger and would've left you as soon as better arm candy comes along. If she stays then congrats you have a girlfriend who you'll probably always feel bad about questioning the faithfulness of unless the relationship collapses. Which it might do because of you're guilt being noticed by her and her thinking it's over something worse. Those are your options. Both suck. You suck. And I would be very happy if we could all just SHUT THE FUCK UP!'
The guards were quiet. Finally. maybe now he could try to get rid of this headache.
Sniffle.
oh no. oh HELL NO.
"Are you crying?"
"N-no. B-be quiet. P-princess sparkle will be here to t-talk to you soon."
Ignoring the sugarplum fairy-eques name Lazmer instead focused on The Broad shouldered Guard he'd come to know as Brute shot, he also ignored the second much taller guard Battle cry glaring holes at him like he could light him on fire. and given the lightly glowing horn on his head he might be able to.

"Hey look man I didn't mean to make you cry. Look either it works out or it doesn't. Agonizing over it isn't going to help."

Slowly the winged guard got himself under control (he really should ask about this at some point.). They sat in silence after that. Sweet, sweet silence that lasted another hour and a half. Just long enough for that headache to disappear.

So he wasn't quite as snappy as Brute wheeled him out of the barn being used as a cell, Town apparently had a pretty low crime rate, and wheeled him over to a purple lady with the gaudiest piece of jewelry he had even seen outside of a rap video.
"Hello Mr.Lazmer."

Author's Note

OK so I see a few red thumbs. probably not fans of my writing style. or crackish stories. but if you have a legit complaint about the story or a suggestion to make it better please leave a comment. but not purposefully hurtful things like "delete this story" or "stop writing" legit comments only please.

secondly I'm going to explain my versions of the princesses and I might end up doing this for others who appear later.

Celestia - usually I see her shown as manipulative. Controlling everything to get her desired outcome. (like how fanfics show Dumbledore) in my version she is manipulating everything but just small things to keep a schedule. I like to think This is where Twilight gets her OCD over lists from.

Luna - when I see her she's usually one of two things. envying Celestia's bod or a gamer. I'm fine with gamer Luna but literally half the Luna art I've seen has her as a washboard. My version she isn't. She's got a awesome body. she isn't flaunting it, but she knows its there.