Equestria is saved from thirst!

by The Psychopath

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Random, Coco Pommel, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1609

The Equestrians of Manehatten are served by a brave drink of mighty...might, from the diabolical Coca-Colan.

Manehatten is at peace, its people slowly trotting across the streets, but then the sky bursts, and all gazes are directed to it! What new dastardly villain is this? Why, it's none other than Coca-Colan: A soft drink intent on taking over the world with his sugared sweets!

Only the best soft drink of them all can save the day: Pepsi Maaaaaaaaan! (But I prefer Sun- *-ZZZZZZZT-*) YES! The BEST soft drink! Only he can stop the dastardly Coca-Colan from replacing all the water in the world with his beverage! (But, you know, it's not like Pepsi is innocent from- *-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZT*-) PURELY DIABOLICAL!

By the will of the nineties, I have the powerrrrrrrr!

Published 2016-11-29 22:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-11-29 22:30:01 UTC

You'll never stop me this time, Pepsi Man!

Coco Pommel was resting at a café, enjoying the day outside despite the obvious hustle and bustle happening in the streets. She was so used to all the noise and activity that, were she in complete silence, she would go crazy. Nothing was better than a sip of warm coffee in Autumn, and she lift the cup to her pursed lips to take another sip, but--

"Oh, it's empty. I'll ask the waiter for a refill," she thought aloud. When she spotted the stallion wearing an apron and taking notes of orders, she called out to him. "Excuse me," she called.

"Yes?" the stallion responded. "My cup is empty. Would it be possible to get me a refill?"

"Of course. I'll be with you--"

The waiter was interrupted by a loud thunder crack and violent upheavals of wind blowing everypony away. In the sky was a vortex of blackish-brown clouds accented by tiny white clouds bubbling at its edges. The eye of the storm glowed brighter and brighter until what looked like foam bubbled over the edges of the vortex and something exploded out of it, smashing into the street in front of Coco Pommel. Smoke spread everywhere and debris of the cobblestone streets flew about, hitting a few ponies and breaking a few windows. When the dust receded, a single figure remained standing. It was humanoid in shape and its skin was reflecting light like metal. Its forearms and forelegs were white while the red of it was red. On its chest wasn't written 'Coca' in a strange typography. It had its fists on its hips and arms in an arc and analyzed its surroundings, then shot its gaze at Coco Pommel.

"Thirsty, are you?" it spoke with a nasally and diabolical tone.

Coco Pommel blinked a few times and looked around with confusion. "Y-yes. I just wanted more--"

"No need to worry!" The creature reached into its chest and pulled out a plastic bottle of coke. "THIS WILL QUENCH YOUR THIRST!" He slammed the bottle on the table with such force that the coffee glass shattered and the metal table's legs were bent downwards.

"Hey! That was my cup!" Coco complained.

"Muahahahaha!" the being laughed. "Pepsi Man cannot stop me this time! I will triumph once again!"

The red being bolted into the air, sweet smelling fizz coming from his feet as propulsion, and blasted through multiple buildings in a straight line. Some ponies were konked on the head by falling debris and fell to the floor.

"What in Equestria was that all about?" the waiter commented.

"More importantly, what on Earth is this thing?" Coco said.

She grabbed the bottle, feeling its surface, then peered inside.

The waiter snorted. "Looks like murky water."

"Think I should try it?" Coco asked.

The waiter looked at her despondently, making the mare purse her lips and look back at the container.

"Might as well see what's inside, for curiosity's sake."

She twisted the cap of the bottle and was greeted by the hissing sound of carbon-dioxide escaping its prison, but it was a bad idea to open it.

PEPSI MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! voices yelled from seemingly nowhere.

"What was that?" the waiter said.

Everypony looked around to try and find the source, but it was clear that the source was going to come to them instead of them going to it. Loud stomping accompanied by walls being demolished filled the air with louder and louder frequencies.

"Down the street!" a stallion pointed.

A blue figure had just blasted through the forty-second story of an apartment complex and slammed into the ground, but that didn't deter its course. A cart in its pathway was blasted into toothpicks and the pony flung away into the bushes. Several more non-pegasi ended up learning what such a life amidst the clouds was, then the figure stopped at Coco Pommel...by sliding on the ground and uprooting all the stones placed into the path. The ponies in the street all screamed in terror as a literal street of stone flew their way like homing missiles.

This one was just like the other: A body of metal, but with a portion of its upper torso, going from its right shoulder down to just above the waist, white instead of solid blue like the rest. He looked at Coco Pommel with the bottle in hoof and dropped to his knees.

"Noooooooo!" he shouted. "She has been corrupted by the evil beverage."

"Evil?" she repeated. "But I didn't even--"

"HERE!" Pepsi Man shouted while forcing Pepsi down her throat. "Drink this! It'll cure you!"

Coco's legs flailed everywhere as she choked on the sudden influx of a beverage that burned her throat. When she coughed, she yelled at the being before her. "What's your pro-" She was interrupted mid-speech by a long belch. "-blem?!"

Pepsi Man hugged her and pretended to cry loudly...or maybe he literally couldn't cry due to his lack of eyeballs. "You're saved from that vile concoction." He stood up, raised his fist, and clenched it. "Such poisons should not be given out so shamefully!"

"I'll say!" Coco coughed. "I almost died."

She was slung under Pepsi Man's left arm without warning and clutched in place. "Pepsi Man must stop this dastardly evil doer with my new sidekick, Seven-Susie!"

"That's not my na--"

P-P-PEPSI MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

The young mare screamed the whole trip that Pepsi Man took her on. Charging through buildings and kicking solid pillars into the thirtieth floor of nearby buildings didn't help in the slightest to alleviating her terror, not that being held by a metallic biped who shoves throat burning beverages down your throat helps any. The biped witnessed a small foal drinking some coke and stopped immediately in front of them, letting Coco fly with the force of gravity into a flower stand further along the path. Pepsi Man slapped the beverage out of the colt's hooves and onto the floor, leaving the child stunned.

"Why are you drinking that, little boy?"

"..."

Pepsi Man pulled a bottle of Pepsi out of his chest and handed it to the colt. "Don't you know that Coca Cola is of poor quality and requires entire lakes to be made into just one bottle?!" He chuckled heroically. "Why, you should drink Pepsi." He pointed upwards. "It is the best, healthiest alternative to that brown poison!" He rushed to the dazed mare resting in a pile of flowers and picked her back up. "Come, Seven-Susie! We must make haste to the nearest body of water, for Coca-Colan must certainly be trying to turn it into Coke."

As the blue...blur...ech, that is Pepsi Man slowly vanished into the dust of debris, the little colt shrugged and drank some of the drink given to him. He smacked his lips a few times and looked at where the metal biped once stood.

"But...they taste the same..." he whined.

Pepsi Man and Seven-Susie arrive at the scene of the crime-in-progress: Coca-Colan dumping four-stories worth of sugar into the lake next to the city!

"Stop right there, Coca-Colan!" Pepsi Man yelled.

The red fiend turned around to see that his arch-nemesis was there. "Pepsi Man! How did you find me?!"

"Your malodorant, brown sugar water is a hard thing to miss!"

There was a long pause, and Coca-Colan let his arms slump forward. If he had eyes, he would've been looking side-to-side awkwardly. "Pepsi is the same th--"

"I won't let you corrupt the waters with your dastardly plans!"

"HA! Fool! If I turn this water into pure coca-cola, then no one will be able to resist me, and when I change all water in the world into coke, I will have created the best and only beverage in the world!"

"But that would arguably also make it the worst beverage in the world."

"Eh. You win some you lose some, but I'll still succeed where you have failed!"

"Not if I have anything to say about it!"

"Lawyers, to me!" Coca-Colan ordered.

Four rows of tiny, red, metal men slid in front of Coca-Colan, creating a wall to block him. "Ha ha!" Coca-Colan taunted. "If you attack me or them, you'll get sued! Now leave me to my work."

Pepsi Man bounced Coco onto his open palm and lifted her above his head. "Quickly, Seven-Susie! Find a loophole!"

"What?!"

Coco-Pommel was thrown at the wall, demolishing it and konking Coca-Colan on the head.

"Noooo!" Coca-Colan cried. "You called out to the committee to make this water government property! Now I can't harvest it without paying tremendous tax percentages. I'll make a percentage less in profit! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He collapsed to the floor.

Pepsi Man reveled in his victory and laughed at the defeated metal man. He grabbed Coa-Colan's arm and forced him onto his feet. "Now you're coming with me! You have a lot to answer for!"

"Well, it's not like you haven't done the same thing as me," he mumbled. "Still." Coca-Colan discreetly pulled a can of coke from his chest, shook it violently, then sprayed Pepsi Man with the foam. The dastardly villain escaped the clutches of the do-gooder Pepsi Man and laughed at him. "Foolish Pepsi Man! You cannot stop me! I have more lakes to acquire!"

"Not if I stop you!"

While Coca-Colan jettisoned back into the vortex, Pepsi Man bolted to the mountains in the distance and ran off the peak and into the vortex right before it closed, like any ~~cliché~~ heroic moment. Meanwhile, Coco Pommel groaned in pain and rubbed her head as she watched the brief event unfold.

"WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!" she yelled.

PEPSI MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!