My life in Wood

The room was silent, time slowed to a snail’s pace, even the medical ponies addressing the Sun Princess.

“Uh…” Applejack was a loss for words. “P-pardon?” Was all she could come up with. Princess Luna responded in a trembling voice

“Thou should have headed thine sister's warning. None of this would've happened, none of this should have happened…” A sob escaped her muzzle. The room remained in silence as Princess Luna kept back tears. She then slowly turned to the medical ponies.

“We shall send thee to Canterlot to care for mine sister, be prepared.” The ponies nodded and were sent away a bright blue flash. There was a pause as the ponies suddenly began to wonder why Princess Luna elected to stay.

“We shall search for the vile creature.” She suddenly said. “We shall find this demon and send it to the deepest depths of Tartarus!” She boomed in her royal Canterlot voice.

And without prompt, Princess Luna galloped out the library and launched into the darkening sky. The angriest of scowls upon her regal face.

Alright, looks like whatever god is finally smiling upon my fucking life for once; I found out how to get back to normal size. And that little event left me with three extra hunters. I have no idea how the fuck that works, but I’ll take what I can get.

But that also got me thinking, if could turn myself into fuckin’ Sif, could I change my appearance in other ways?

And that also got me thinking -something I’ve been doing a lot lately, about how I would go about doing it, since I know it’s possible. And how to make it permanent since my giant-sized form doesn't last long.

So, while me and my expanded hunter pack were carrying the mutant lion carcass, I tried to come up with different ways to change the my physical form. And eventually, after three fuckin’ days. I felt something shift in my right foreleg when I just concentrated on the limb. But nothing looked out of the ordinary.

It was at that moment that I found out it took me a retarded amount of concentration just to even begin to change a single fucking limb.

The proportions of that revelation was about on the same level as finding out how to make a wooden fucking pickaxe. And, I also discovered that I really don’t have that kind of concentration when I’m hauling a multi-ton dead animal across the forest, until I find a cave at lea-

…

…

Well fuck me up the ass and call me Sally, there’s a decently-sized cave. It’s still in my territory as well, which means I may have been here at some point to drive some stupid animal or somethin’.

That, or this used to belong to a rival pack that disappeared before I drove them out. I think… Nah, not gonna waste mental power thinking about shit like that right now. Imma just get my cubs and bitches situated deep in this damn thing. Hopefully there’s glowing mushrooms if it’s deep enough…

…

Aaaaand there are some of the glowing little shits in here. And the cave is deep enough that sunlight can’t reach in here, bonus.

Alright, this’ll do for now. I’m probably gonna need to expand my territory if I want to keep away from those fuckin’ ponies.

They’re probably mass-searching the entire forest since I chewed up that white one. She looked pretty important if that crown and collar were any indication...

Fuck me to tears… I need to lay low for at least a few weeks now. I can maybe pull it off with this lion… Yeah, I can just ration the food and let my cubs and bitches eat a little more than the rest of us just so the pups grow up strong and fierce. I can probably use the mushrooms that’ll start growing from the rotting bits as more food. Yeah, I can do this, not the first time I had to pull some miracle out of my wooden, sap-covered ass.

------=====------

Aaaaand there we go!

So now I’m my old self again, as far as I could get still being made out of wood and all. But I can care less, it feels good to have hands again.

Also, walking on two feet again was kinda hard to get back used too. It’s been too fucking long that I’ve walked on two legs. But to finally fell human again, the sensation was almost orgasmic.

Anyway, while it did take a good week to get the body wanted, with facial features and other small details. I began walking around my territory, I was actually hoping to run into the ponies now. Since I have a new form I could play myself off as just some random creature living in this forest; I could have them leave me and my pack alone if that happens.

But unfortunately, I hadn’t seen hide nor hair of them for a couple of weeks now. Well, at least I could go hunting again; food was getting low.

But now, back in the present, where should I go hunting? I need new places since the presence of ponies made my usual game scarce. And on top of that, I can’t go hunting for smaller game since there definitely are ponies looking for the old me. I wonder how I haven’t ran into them. Maybe if I stray closer to the border of that town… Yeah, let’s do that today.

…

“Hmmmm HMM hmm hmmm hm, hmmmm HM hm hmmm hm…”

“Hault! Creature!”

*Oh shit fuck what!?*

“What art thou doing in these… woods?”

I stare at the tall blue pony with flowing blue hair that just landed behind me. She’s staring at me, a bit awkwardly, might I add.

That one has to at least know about the other white one.

“Uh...” I began. “Can I help you?” The pony stared for a second then regained its bearings and glared at me.

“What thou be doing in this forest?” It, maybe a she… definitely a she, asked with a not-so-subtle hint of anger.

“I’m just hunting with my pack.” Oh fuck me, why did I say that!?

“Hunting?”

“Yes..?” There was a long, awkward pause between the two of us.

“... Pray tell,” She suddenly started, Her eyes narrowing at me. “Why would a creature, such as thyself, chose to reside in a forest where animals such hydras dwell in?” She queried.

“...” I had to think of something quick if I wanted to live. “I've been in this forest for as far back as I can remember. I was born in this forest, and nothing has really scared me into leaving.

And besides, I've seen how your kind treats outsiders. I'd rather be here, where I can live in peace.” I said, to which clearly threw the pony through a fuckin’ loop.

“How we treated…” She muttered to herself more than to me. “We apologize, for what thou art implying, surely thou be spinning lies. Surely these words that leave thine… lips, are fabricated.” She said with a skeptical brow raised. This, interestingly, pissed me off.

“And how would you know?” I asked while crossing my arms, which felt good to just do. “Judging from what you’re wearing, you’re one of the rulers of these ponies, right?” She nodded.

“We are Princess Lu-”

“Don’t care, you should know what you've done to outsiders. I ain’t leaving this forest.” I said. “Anyway, what are you doing here? Last time I heard, you ponies avoid this forest like the plague.”

“Thine statements be true, creature.” She said. “But we are scouring this accursed place in search of a foul demon that greatly wounded mine sister.” She explained.

“A demon?” What the fuck is she talking about? Oh, right. Me.

“Yes, a giant Timber Wolf, specifically.” She said. “The beast we are searching for.” I saw her gaze flick up, spotting about above me, I paid no mind to it. “And thou seem to be wearing its crown.”

Fuck me up the ass through a straw.

“Oh, this thing?” I said while picking the thing off my head. I didn’t even know I was wearing the damn thing! I need to think of something quick!

“Yes, we find it suspicious that you posses that small piece of head wear.” She took a step towards me. “We also find it suspicious that you seem to posses the same magical makeup as one.”

Fuck you, as if you could intimidate me. And what the fuck is this shit about magic?

And then I came up with a half-assed idea. Please god let this work.

“Oh, I killed it.” I said.

The blue pony in front of me let her jaw drop to the floor, literally. How the hell do they do that? It should be damn impossible.

“Now, thy jest. This is a King Timber Wolf we are speaking of. How could thou slay such a beast?”

“Because I’m just like those wolves. I’m not exactly a Timber Wolf, but I am like them. It was easy finding its weak spot.”

“In what way? And what is this weak point?”

“Well, I am made up of dead wood. But that’s where similarities ends. I guess you could call me a variant of an ent, bu-”

“Pause thy speech. What is this ‘ent’ creature you speak of?” The rude bitch interrupted me. How rude.

I mean, sure, I cut in more than half the time, but… fuck ponies.

“A living tree.” I said. “I’m kinda like that, ‘cause they’re more intelligent than those wolves. But the difference is the whole dead wood thing.”

“Hmmm...” It looks like she’s buying it, huh… I guess it’s good being a pathological liar.

But now it seems we’ve fallen into a awkward bout of silence, again.

“Well, bye.” I said with a wave. I was about to turn around, but a beam of light blue energy ripped off my left arm.

“We commend thine attempt to weasel your way out of thine undoing.” She said while lowering her head and flaring her wings, her horn was also glowing a light turquoise. "But thou would have to weave more believable lies!"

It was clear she was looking to give me a good attitude adjustment. But really, who could stare at this pony seriously? They honestly look kinda cute when they try to be intimidating. And I decided to voice as much.

“You ponies look cute when you do that.”

She somehow lost her footing, while spluttering for a second.

“W-what!?” Ha! Got her to blush!

“You think you could intimidate anything with that face?” I asked. “I just wanna pinch those cheeks!”

While I do despise every aspect these ponies posses, I also do admit they are the most adorable creatures I’ve seen. And and reality, in this situation specifically, I was stalling to give my hunters time to get to me. ‘Cause if this one’s anything like that white one, she might be a problem. It also kinda allowed me to reform my left arm. Bitch had no reason to do that.

“Wha… Silence! Foul demon!” She bellowed. “We will not tolerate thine insults! We shall send you to the depths of Tartarus for wounding our sister!” She took to the air.

Thaaat’s not good. If they are sisters… Fuck me.

But my hunters are mere meters away so there’s that. I was able to nearly kill the white one. So I can do something to this blue one.

Buuuut I’m gonna have to avoid those beams if I wanna live to see tomorrow. But it seems I don’t I have to worry since my hunters are piling on me as I evaluate the situation.

“I’ve told you, time and time again, to leave my forest alone.”

“Silence demon! Thou shalt suffer thine consel-”

“I don’t give a single shit about you have to say!” Finally, I’m giant me again. I wonder how long I can maintain it this time…

The blue pony flew up higher and did a… I guess I can that a backwards loop, while charging her horn. I saw what she was trying for, and leaped to the left just as another beam shot out from her horn. Kinda narrowly missing me.

And while I think it’s common combat knowledge to keep away from the enemy if you want to do ranged attacks, this pony clearly didn’t think of that. And because of her shortsighted...ness (shut up), I knew she didn’t think of a way to keep her distance away from me while firing that energy beam.

She basically flew into my mouth. And I wasted no time ensnaring her within my maw. This time I wanted to keep her in place, so I wrapped a fuck-ton of vines around her body, her wings and horn more so than the rest.

I was about to chew on my latest snack when I felt something come from the pony. It felt like something was charging up, next thing I felt was that charge sputtering out.

To make the sensation understandable, it felt like a balloon made a weak attempt to inflate inside my mouth, and then gave up.

But then, a second later, I felt strangely energized. Like I just drank a Five Hour Energy or something. It felt weird, but not uncomfortable.

Then I thought ‘Eh whatever’ and decided that, since I suddenly felt like I just ate a full meal, that I would make an example out of this pony to tell others to stay the fuck out of my forest. So with that, I began my way towards the little village.

“Wha...” I heard the little nuisance try and speak from within my mouth. I decided to humor her and let her speak, the walk would've been boring either way.

“Blegh...” I apparently had a vine in her mouth. Weird. “What dost thou plan to do with us!?” I snorted at that.

“Even when you know you’re defeated, you still put on an act of authority.” I snickered. “Fine, I’ll humor you this once.”

“I plan on turning you into a proper example about what will now happen to ponies when they decided to venture into my forest. That white one escaped before I could do it to her.”

“Wha- How dare you!”

“Oh please,” I scoffed. “Like I would murder you. I’d sooner set myself on fire.”

“Pardon..?”

“Don’t play stupid with me. If you were some other pony, I would've done it without hesitation at this point.

Then there’s you; I can’t kill you, even if I wanted to. The reason being simple; while I have power, strength, and agility. You ponies have numbers; get enough of you together, and it might be a problem for me. So, I only plan on making an example out of you. And you’re obviously an authoritative figure, so I will leave you with this message for your little ponies:”

An idea hit me, and I very quickly formed a face in the roof of my mouth, and mad her stare at it while its wooden lips moved.

Stay the FUCK out of my forest. ‘Cause now, I WILL not hesitate to kill anyone who enters it.”

The pony sputtered for a moment, then demanded that I explain why I plan on doing it. But a little bit of the silent treatment and she eventually gave up.

As we neared the edge of my forest, she decided to ask one more question.

“Why would you do this? What would bring out this hatred for us?”

Now, I don’t know why. But that question struck a chord in me. She should know why the fuck I want them out of my forest.

But, eh, whatever. I’ve been feeling chatty anyway.

“My kind is on the brink of extinction because of you ponies.” I started. “I've seen you hunt us with the energy beam shit. I’ve seen you drag us away kicking and screaming. Only to be never seen again. There were friends, acquaintances, even distant family members that you’ve taken away from me. I couldn't even do anything about it, I was too young, too weak to do anything.” I roughly pulled her out of my mouth and shoved her as close as I could to my unblinking eyes. “But now, now I have the strength I have numbers. I will avenge my fallen brethren. I will hunt every single one of you down.

I. Will. Rule.

And with that, I sent her sailing towards that little village, not caring whether or not she'd make a decent landing. I then stood there, thinking about what I said.

…Fuck me. I said too much.