The Underwhelming Life Of Two Royal Guardsmen

by Peachy

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life
Length: 2075

Kids often have this fascination of becoming a Royal Guard, thinking it is the greatest job in the world. The reality of it is a little underwhelming.

Kids often have this fascination of becoming a Royal Guard, thinking it is the greatest job in the world. The reality of it is a little underwhelming.

Flamberge and Aegis have been at it for a while now, guarding the main doors to the Princess' Court and keeping the riff-raff at bay. Or lack-thereof.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-01 22:46:28 UTC

I: Maybe It'll Get Interesting

The hardest part of the day was not the incessant monotony of standing beside a door and allowing bureaucrats into the Royal Court and watching the same ponies come out, slower than molasses. No, that may as well have been the highlights of my day, especially the latter, seeing as it marked the end my tedious work day. I could stand for hours outside of those doors all day and even replace the Night Watch ponies that would eventually wander their way through the royal halls. Hell, that was my job in essence; standing all day and making sure another invasion does not take place.

It wasn't trying to hold in my bodily fluids and having Aegis cover for me while I cantered my way to the privy.

“B-but I must be allowed in!” The stout, annoyingly yellow stallion stammered. “I have friends in The Court! My voice must be heard!

This was it. The other highlight of the day, undeniably.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Must I remind you that yelling is not permitted in the royal halls of Canterlot Palace? That is, of course, unless you are either of the Princesses, but as it stands, you lack both wings and a horn. And the height. And the appropriate gen…Well, you get the idea.”

“Besides,” Aegis chipped in. “If having your voice heard in the court is the goal, then achieved it, you most certainly have.”

Typically only stallions were allowed to join the Royal Guard and Night Watch, but after Shining Armor’s departure, the new Captain made some changes to the rules, some good and some bad. Aegis was one of many mares who had a dream of becoming a Royal Guard and was part of the many who realized how underwhelming the job really was. Originally, she was a gangly and gaunt pony with a set of horrid colors of a maroon mane and a fuchsia coat. Now she was a gangly and gaunt pony with a set of complimenting colors of a silver coat and blue mane clad in golden armor custom made to fit her slim frame. Despite having joined the Guard three years after I did, Aegis still managed to outrank me. A horn goes a long way in a place like Canterlot.

The yet-to-be-named and self-proclaimed pony of importance recoiled at the statements. “Excuse me? There are matters of utmost importance that must be addressed! My voice can sway the decisions The Court makes!”

As per protocol, neither Aegis nor I was allowed to move from their posts unless a public nuisance was to be addressed and escorted from the premises. However, according to the new Captain of The Guard, a late and disgruntled member of the court did not constitute as a public nuisance, which meant the two of us and others had to stand at attention whilst constantly repeating the same phrases over and over and over again.

“The Court does not accept late attendees during a session” or “Sir/Madam, please have a seat down the hall and wait for the next session to begin,” and “Please lower your voice, The Court is active and does not tolerate any disturbance.”

Of course, after a while a Royal Guard begins to run out of scripted phrases to say eventually and while technically they are to repeat previous phrases, Aegis and I hardly followed these protocols. If Shining Armor were still Captain of The Guard, ponies having to deal with the dashing duo would have reported us in a heartbeat. However, with the new Captain, filing a report did about as much as throwing a pebble at an Ursa, Major or Minor. Attention was grabbed, however you were all but ignored unless there was a bigger issue.

“Sir,” I sighed. “There are seats at the center of the hall-“

“And you can wait until the next session begins,” Aegis finished. “It would be easier on all of us if you just did that instead of standing here and giving us flak.”

With a huff and puff, the stallion opened his mouth to speak, but before a complaint could be made his eyes crossed and he sighed instead. Then he hit the ground with a light thud, cushioned by Aegis’s magic. I shot her a glare.

“You realize you can lose your job for doing that right?”

“Pfft.” Aegis hauled the unconscious limp body over her back. “He’ll be fine.”

I shifted my gaze to the grandfather clock collecting dust on my right. Ten more minutes. I looked back at Aegis, who was already halfway down the hall. I couldn't  help but to crack a smile.

Aegis shuffled the pony onto the cushioned thousand-year old bench, leaving him slumped in a rather uncomfortable position. She took a moment to admire her work before pursing her lips. Her horn glowed, beginning to toy with the body of the self-proclaimed somepony. Twisting and contorting the body, Aegis’s tongue slipped from the side of her mouth and she tried harder to bend it to her will.

I stomped a hoof on the ground, echoing through the corridor. Aegis’s ears twitched and immediately the body slumped back over into yet another unnatural position. The gaunt mare trotted back into her post and continued the royal duty of staring down the hallway, a small semblance of a smile cracked on her face. I felt one coming on, my lips starting to crack open. It wasn't easy; staring at the unnatural positioning of the stallion and worrying about how he'll be feeling when he wakes up later. Not only was he posed like a provocative model for a mare magazine, he would probably wake up with a need to get a neck massage and a massive ache from lying on his left hoof for however many hours he may be sitting there.

“Anybody notices,” Aegis spoke through a smirk. “It was your fault.”

“Right.” I chuckled. “You sure that hind-leg isn’t broken?”

“Not really. But not much we can do. Captain’s orders were to stay in position until the end of the session.”

“True.” I straightened myself out and gazed at the doors at the end of the hallway. The two recruits standing guard shifted nervously, biting their lower lips and shooting glances at each other. I tried my best to contain my chuckles, my mouth twitching trying to maintain a stone-faced glare, but in the end I had failed and so Aegis and I stood guard, the stupidest smiles plastered on our faces trying not to enjoy ourselves.

Three Days Later

"Welcome, Ambassador Matton," Aegis greeted the grimy old hippogriff. He extended a cracked and chipped claw, leaning hard on his cane and maintaining what I assumed was a smile. He was missing part of his beak, a nice chunk ripped from the upper left side. The uneven and irregular feathers around his head demanded grooming and I assumed that was the same underneath all the rough leathers and robes he had covered himself with.

Ambassador Matton was accompanied by two heavily armored griffons, each sporting a matching set of dented plate steel armor, chainmail draped underneath and each holding halberds. Both stood on their hind legs, holding their weapons in one claw and clenching the other across their chests. Each held a stone-faced glare passed the open double doors leading towards the Royal Court. I’d like to imagine that they were staring down Celestia, sitting on her throne, the Princess probably pondering ways of punishment for them staring in such a way.

Aegis slowly reached out a hoof, allowing the craggy ambassador to tightly grasp and shake slowly. She was weary of the two bulky bodyguards, occasionally shifting her gaze between them and the ambassador.

“Ahh, I haven’t been ‘ere in ages!” Ambassador Matton beamed, a low and gravelly voice. He spoke with the typical hippogriff accent; dropping parts of certain words, rolling his ‘R’s, replacing ‘U’s with ‘O’s and occasionally pronouncing ‘T’s by stopping airflow, so words like ‘that’ are pronounced ‘tha’. It’s pretty understandable, but piss off a hippogriff and they’ll start chewing you out with lightning speed. To say the least, to a common equestrian like myself, it is damned-near impossible to understand.

“It’s...an honor to have you here.” Aegis stammered. “Walk on in. The Princess has long awaited this meeting.”

“Oh, I’m sure she has.” The way he said that made my mane itch. Ambassador Matton looked at me and nodded as he started to walk into The Court. We closed the doors behind him and stood at attention.

“There’s something about that guy that makes me uncomfortable. Strange too; they sent a different ambassador last time.” Aegis spoke after ten minutes of utter silence. “Call me paranoid, but griffons like him give me the creeps.”

“Hippogriff.” I corrected.

“Pardon?”

“He’s a hippogriff. Half eagle and half pony.”

“Oh. I see.”

There was another pause of silence between the two of us. This was it. Just standing around and maintaining eye contact with the other unknown guards down the hall. It was strange really. The ponies at the end of the hall seemed to change every couple of days. Despite that, Aegis and I have remained guarding this door for a while. Never once did The Captain ever probably consider changing our posts.

“What do you think he’s here for?”

I stood in silence for a moment. “I dunno. Could be that he’s asking for support with his country. They are in a pretty bad spot after all. Civil unrest and whatever.”

“Hmph, never took you for a current events type of guy.”

“We get a newspaper every morning you know. It’d do you some good to read it.”

Voices boomed from behind the door and there was unsheathing blades, causing my heart to stop for a moment. I looked at Aegis, brow furrowed and mouth slightly open. Her horn glowed, levitating her spear slightly, but stood still. Her body tensed and so did mine. I used my wing to shuffle my own spear into a good grip and looked at the end of the hallway towards the other two guards. They were already approaching, one carrying his pike with his wing and the other using his magic.

There was more shouting and yelling. I looked at Aegis and the other two guards. Swiftly, Aegis swung both doors open and we all bolted into the room, weapons ready.

I hardly ever entered the throne room. There was never really a need for it. Stained glass depicted various images of landscapes and prosperity under Celestia and Luna’s rule. Fields stretched out full of crops and ponies praised the two alicorns who made this all capable. Pillars reached towards the ceiling, intricately designed with stone sculpts of flowers on the base and clouds towards the top. Banners hung from the walls beside the throne, symbols of the moon and sun sewn expertly onto the fabric.

I shook my head. Now wasn’t the time to admire fine architecture.

The two griffon knights rotated around Ambassador Matton cautiously, halberds ready and exchanging glares at each pony with a weapon drawn. They growled, rough and coarse. Every guard in the room surrounded the foreigners, holding their blades, either in their mouths or with magic. The pegasi of the Royal Guard trained their lances towards the ambassador and his entourage.  Princess Celestia scowled at Matton, who growled like a rabid dog, pure unbridled rage spread across his face.

We rushed in line with the other guards and trained our weapons on the ambassador.

“Leave.” The Princess ordered in a low tone.

“Aye.” Matton turned, his weak frame just barely supported by his oak branch cane. His guards followed close behind him, still growling and pointing their spears from pony to pony. “Was hoping we could ‘ave met at some common ground.”

The ambassador left the court, Aegis, the other two guards and I following behind at a slug’s pace. Aegis and I exchanged glances. I half expected the griffon guards to bark with the way they were growling at us. Aegis and I stopped at our usual posts outside of the Court’s doors, glaring at the griffons and watching the other two guards slowly follow. The shuffling of chainmail and plates of armor sounded down the hallway in an eerily slow pace. We watched until

“What the hell just happened?” Aegis whispered.

“I don’t know.” I admitted.