Intulpable

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Equestria Girls, Trixie, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 3577

Trixie summons Trixie to do something for Trixie, because Trixie.

As a bright and promising student entering her senior year at Canterlot High School, Trixie Lulamoon thought she was prepared for many things... the least of which was being magically summoned across dimensions by her equine doppelganger to perform an all-important task. A bit of a warning would have been nice. Some clothes would have been nicer.

Published 2016-12-13 05:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-13 05:50:02 UTC

"Are you not enTHRALLed?!"

With a firm breath, Trixie Lulamoon tugged a set of snow-white drapes shut with her magic, blocking out the last glimpse of daylight from the warm world outside her wagon.

"Okay..."

Her fuzzy nostrils flared. She spun on the tips of her hooves.

"...no turning back now, Trixie."

Jaw clenched, the unicorn showmare trotted across the wooden floorboard of her claustrophobic home on wheels. As she moved, her sorceror's cap and starry cloak floated inwards and adorned the mare's figure in a truly cinematic fashion. At last, she came to a stop—looming above a complex circular arrangement of runes that had been intricately and purposefully etched into the rustic floorboards with blood-red chalk.

"There is a most supreme task that needs being done." Trixie blew a dangling ivory bang out from before her eyes. She glared into the shadows as her horn glimmered beneath her cap. Her voice echoed against the rickety framework of the wagon all around her. "May all of Equestria tremble before the sheer magical talents of the Grrrreat and Powerful Trrrrixie!"

Trixie looked left. Trixie looked right.

Then—with a minor blush—the unicorn promptly floated a piece of lavender parchment out from underneath her cap. She unrolled the spell, her horn illuminating the initials "S.G."

"Mmmmm... I'm sure she won't mind one bit. She still owes Trixie, after all." Her muzzle scrunched at a disgruntled thought. "I know we're friends, but the next time you're vomiting a spoiled meal of hay-tacos into the toilet—ask Sparkle's pet dragon to hold your mane, not Trixie!"

Regaining her focus, Trixie examined the written lines of the spell for the umpteenth time. She bent her legs, leaning down to squat before the drawn circlet of runes.

"Alright..." She emptied a pouch of sediment over the center. "...'Calcified dust from a dry ancient tomb'..." She grasped a wooden box and emptied its rattling contents along the perimeter. "...'Toenails of an adult monkey'..." She squeezed the tip of a vial, soaking the collected pile. "...'A pinch of dragon's blood, for that arcane touch'..." Taking a breath, she reached into a bag and lifted a slimy round object. "...'Eye of newt'..."

Silence.

Trixie clenched her eyes shut and threw the object down her throat. She gulped swiftly... then shuddered from head to tail. "Eeeeeeeugh... Celestia, I hate this diet." Reopening her eyes, she leaned forward and struck a pose with forelimbs waving hypnotically. "Alright! The Great and Powerful Trixie was born for this!"

The air of the wagon above the runes turned red as a high-pitched ringing noise issued from... somewhere. The structure vibrated with an ethereal burst of energy. Books shook atop their shelves. Pots and pans rattled. A calender featuring raunchily-posed firefighting stallions teetered crookedly off a nail.

The little fuzzy sorceress threw her voice above the rising bedlam of arcane-induced poltergeist. "Cosmogoria permeatronal divinizuth!" Trixie gnashed her teeth, weathering an artificial cyclone of wind as her horn pulsed faster, brighter, redder. Her eyes pulsed with crimson purpose as her voice projected several alien octaves all at once. "Ad HoMiNiDeMm InViCtUs!" She threw her hooves together, producing a clap of righteous thunder. "EqUiPeRsOnA PoNyTrOnUm!"

BOOOOM!!!

The dust, blood, and nail clippings lifted up in the air, fused into a giant bipedal shape—and FLASHED. In its place, a flesh-and-blood body materialized... then promptly fell to the wagon floor on her pale blue butt. Whap!

"Eureka!" Trixie Lulamoon lifted on her hindquarters, rearing her hooves and cackling against a cartoonish splash of interior lightning. "The Great and Powerful Trixie has completed the summoning ritual! Gaze upon me, my thrall! For you now belong to Trixie—"

"AaaaaaAaaaaaaaAaaaaaaaaaaaah!" The teenage creature in question kicked and thrashed and kicked and thrashed some more.

Trixie instantly winced—surprised at how damnably long and hairless the monstrosity's limbs were. Purple-painted toenails slapped her skull more than once—knocking off her hat and messing up her mane. "H-hey!" The unicorn pouted, her cheeks darkening with indigo indignation. "You hit Trixie! What is the meaning of this insolence—!"

"Aaaaa-Aaaaa-Aaaaaaaah!" The beast continued to punch and pound and pummel the interior of the wagon all around her. The shrieks were high pitched, undeniably sentient, and undeniably annoying. At last—after much panic and squirming and knocking-loose innumerable sideshow props—the bipedal abomination relaxed to take a deep, deep breath.

"Okay... there... settled?" Trixie snorted, brushing her bangs and chest floof straight. She adjusted the collar of her robe and stood tall, proud. "Now that you have adequately calmed down, listen to the commands of your Great and Powerful summoner—"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The creature shrieked once again, having gathered an adequate lung-ful.

Trixie grimaced, hissing through her teeth: "For Celestia's sake! Calm down!" She waved a hoof. "It's a very powerful spell that Trixie stole—erhm... conjured!" Her blue brow furrowed. "You shouldn't have spent too much time in the Flaming Tarantula Dimension during the transferrence here! So what's your excuse?!"

As if to answer, the teenaged monster sat up, exposing her hideously wide eyes above a hideously small nose accompanied by a hideously palpitating mouth. "Wh-what is Trixie d-doing here?!" Hyperventilating, the sweating hominid glanced all around the confines of the wagon. "Trixie was h-having a g-good dream! Trixie was washing cars with David Copperfield and Pen Jillette!" She grimaced, hugging her pale self and shivering—goosebumps forming until she was a curvy puddle of golf balls. "Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale w-were walking down the hill with extra soap suds... wearing nothing but top hats!" She gnashed her monkey teeth. "Why did it have to turn into a horrible nightmare?! Somebody explain this to Trixie!"

"Uh oh..." The unicorn winced, squinting at the creature's mid-section. "Trixie realizes now that she must have botched the ingredients." She pointed. "You materialized with your teats on the opposite end."

"Huh?" The teenager looked down, then turned once again into a banshee-thing. "Aaaaaaaaaack!" She jumped up to her bare feet—only to slam the ceiling with her bare head. Thud! "Owww!" Hissing, the creature was forced to squat, pressing her shaking palms against the claustrophobic interior of the wagon. The wheeled home wobbled from her shivering weight. She stared down at the pony through a tangled mess of bed hair. "What's the meaning of this?! Who abducted Trixie in the midst of her beauty sleep?! And what did you do with Trixie's precious Zatanna underoos?!" Her nose wiggled. "Hmmm?" She parted her bangs with a trembling finger to get a good look at the unicorn. "A horse? A cat? A cat-horse?"

"Trixie is none of those things!" The unicorn lifted her haughty nose and spoke in a firm tone: "You are Trixie's thrall and Trixie has summoned you to do her bidding—" The cacophonouse sound of snapping wood startled Trixie out of her monologue. "Hey!" She stomped her hooves, frowning into a flicker of daylight. "Stop that! Why are you wrapping yourself in Trixie's drapes?!"

"Because..." Snarling, the hunched-over human flung the white burlap curtain three times around her bumbling figure. "...they match Trixie's carpet!" She stuck her tongue out, eyebrow twitching in sheer anger. "What do you think?!"

"Trixie performed the spell that got you here—so why aren't you obeying Trixie?!"

"Silence, feline equine, you... you... mmm... boogerhead! You are not the boss of Trixie!" Then, with deep breaths to calm herself, the teenager grasped a gold sash from a tiny pony bed and held it to her waste. "Hmmmmm..." The girl squinted, searching through old VHS recordings locked away inside her pretty head. "...exactly how did Ariel do it...?" With a shrug, she ultimately resorted to tying the sash around herself multiple times just below her bust. At last, she made a ribbon out of the dangling ends, and thus she had fashioned a pale-white tube dress of sorts. She examined the crude, rudimentary garb, all the while hunched-over. "Hmmmmf... okay, it sucks... but it'll have to do." Sniffing, she stared across the tiny wagon with a scrunched expression. "Hay. I smell hay... and cupcakes."

"Indeed you do."

"Ponyland." The girl gazed out the window at the bright green landscape stretching off into an azure horizon. "This is the land of colorful horses that Sunset and Sparkle speak so often about."

"Good." Trixie nodded, peering up at the tall, tall beast. "Then you know that Trixie can utterly dominate you with her Great and Powerful magic."

The human flung her a glance—making the unicorn instantly flinch. "If that is so, then why did you summon Trixie in the first place?"

"Because..." The air around the unicorn's crown lit up with crimson menace as her horn glowed. "Trixie has a task that must be performed... an all-important task of monumental proportion... that no small amount of delicate magic can tackle. Nay, this requires sheer brute force—the likes of which can only be afforded through the summoning of a golem from an alternate dimension. With the utilization of key ingredients, Trixie was able to reach out across the rivers of leylines and summon her familiar—her thrall—and that necessary doppelganger is you."

"Hmmmf!" The teenager crossed her arms and stood up. "If you think—" Bonk! "OW!" She seethed, squatting low again. "If you think that you can possess the Great and Powerful Trixie, oh small and flaccid quadruped with asinine pipe dreams, then you have another thing coming!"

"Awwwwwwwww..." The unicorn's eyes sparkled. "Pleeeeeeeease?"

"I mean it!" The girl snorted, lazily knocking aside loose bits of debris that had fallen everywhere in the wake of her summoning. "And don't you try your adorable tactics on Trixie!" She shook a finger. "I've already had my fill of sirens, tentacles, and psychotic camp counselors—all on account of your poopy worldly enchantments creeping into my dimension! If you want Trixie's advice—just stick to card tricks and cups and balls! At least it pays! Especially the latter!"

"Well... mmmff..." Trixie stomped her hoof. "It's not like Trixie can send you back now!"

"And why not?!"

"Because Starlight's—erm... I-I mean Trixie's spell has several hours of cooldown! I can't reclaim the leylines that brought you here until a full mana-powered rotation!"

"Eughhhhh..." The hunched girl face-hoofed, pulling at her pale face muscles. "Of all the demons to abduct me through a portal—it had to be the one stupid devil horse who can't keep time!"

"Come onnnnnnnn..." Trixie stuck her lower lip out as her ears drooped. "It's just one all-important task of supreme righteousness! Pleeeeeeease!"

"Ungggggggh... alright alright alright!!!" The human waved her hands. "If only it will get you to stop whining!"

"Squee!"

"So then... strange pale horsemunculus..." Trixie crawled forward, looming above the petite fuzzy thing in a starry cape. "...what perilous task awaits Trixie, and how might I be able to accomplish that which your entire world of four-legged civilization depends on?"

Trixie spun about. With a bouncing canter, she skipped to the far end of the wagon... then returned with a shiny brown jar in her equine grasp. Grinning cheekishly from ear to fuzzy ear, she held the cylindrical container straight out towards the creature.

"... ... ..." The teenager took the jar in one lazy hand. Deadpan, she gazed at its peanut butter contents... then back down at the unicorn. "... ... ..."

"Eheheh..." Trixie blushed slightly, touching her two hooves together with pensive, pitter-pattering taps. "Uhm..." She looked towards the walls, clearing her throat. "Trixie c-can't seem to get the lid off. It's sealed too tight."

The human took a deep, contemplative breath. "Let me guess," she droned.

Before she could finish, Trixie reached aside and yanked a sheet of tinfoil off a porcelain platter, revealing several stacks of cracker-squares just begging to be spread upon. An adorably tiny butterknife lay in wait, reflecting the brown jar in the teenage alien's grasp. "If you would be so kind... just slather some across the first dozen... mmmm... make that two dozen. Trixie is absolutely famished."

The teenager looked at the pony, at the jar, at the pony, then at the jar again. "Pffft..." She tossed the cylinder behind her bare shoulders. "To Hell with this." In one swift motion, she reached both hands forward and hoisted the gasping unicorn off the floorboards. "Grnngh!" She kicked her naked foot out, slamming the doors to the wagon open and flooding the cramped interior with daylight.

This time, it was the sideshow pony's turn to shriek: "Aaaaaah-Aaaaaah-Aaaaaah!" She thrashed and flailed and exercised every manner of hoofie-kicks, but it didn't matter. The large, lumbering human had her grasped firmly by the middle of her belly, and the unicorn's limbs dangled uselessly... swaying with each giant step that the bipedal beast took, leading the two away from the wagon and towards the brown haze of Ponyville just beyond the trees. "Put Trixie down! Please! Trixie doesn't want to die!"

"Calm down," the girl grunted, pausing every now and then to hike up the top of her improvised tube-gown. She winced, doing her damnedest to avoid loose branches and pine cones as she padded into the outer fringes of town. Cloud-kicking pegasi and gardening earth ponies gasped—dropping what they were doing to gawk at the towering beast rolling into Ponyville with a distressed Trixie in tow. "There's only one way to eat peanut butter crackers! If you're going to make a dinner out of it, then you might as well do it with some class!"

"Then... th-then..." The fuzzy thing in her grip shivered, swallowing a lump down her throat as she gazed up at her thrall-turned-captor. "You're not taking Trixie off to her bloody and untimely demise?"

"Hush." The human stood tall, peering across town, searching sign after sign. "I suppose it'd be asking too much to seek a CVS nestled somewhere within this putrid pastel horsehole." Snorting, she gave the unicorn in her grasp a firm little shake. "Hey! Cat mustang! Where can one find the local snack-and-beverage establishment?!"

"Guhh-uhhh-uhhh!" Trixie wobbled in her gasp, eyes rolling. "S-S-S-Sugarcube Corner." Fighting the urge to vomit, she pointed downtown. "There. Past City Hall. It's pink and stupid and shaped like a dessert tray."

"With Trixie's luck, they'll be serving a cyanide sundae." She stomped past yelping fillies and gasping stallions. "Step aside! The Great and Powerful Trixie coming through! Keep a clean distance! I mean it, silly horse-people! Don't want to infect you with smallpox... or a deeply closeted love for Owl City."

"They're..." Trixie blushed hard, covering her fuzzy face with her hooves as she dangled in that vice-like grip. "...they're staring at us..."

"Let them," snarled the visitor, approaching the brightly-colored structure in question. "You made this bed, now sleep in it!" She sighed, grumbling towards the trail end of the breath. "Trixie only wishes she was back in bed again."

"The front door's right there—whoah!" Trixie yelped as she was flung like a shuffle-puck through Sugarcube Corner's entrance. She rolled, toppeled, and landed upside-down against the glass counter with her cute legs splayed about. Before Cup Cake could react with a gasp, the showmare was followed by her enormous doppelganger, crawling in through the tiny door on all fours and pausing only to cinch the curtain fabric tighter around her navel.

"Greetings, dessert merchant!" Her voice boomed against the establishment's vibrantly-painted walls. Already, shrieking ponies were leaping behind overturned tables—hugging each other and oogling the invader with wide eyes of pure fright. The human's gaze fell on Cup Cake. "We Trixies desire your finest, packaged peanut butter cracker snacks! Post-haste!"

"Do what she says!" Trixie yelped, flailing upside down like a fuzzy blue tortoise. "Anything that big and hairless must not be trifled with!"

"I-I-I..." Cup Cake took pensive step backwards, pale as a sheet. "I-I'll see what I can whip up, honey-bumpkins!"

"Good..." The girl gnashed her teeth, wincing. "Because the first-floor of this place is putting a knot in Trixie's back!"

"Whoah-ho-ho!" Pinkie Pie inexplicably popped up from behind, giggling and pointing up the human's dress. "I'd pay a million bits just to see Princess Luna raise that!"

"Quiet, you!" And a massive human foot met Pinkie's not-so-massive snout.

"Fappo!" Pinkie pinballed violently out of the establishment... landing against some bank truck somewhere.

Around this time, Cup Cake returned with a stack of plastic-wrapped cracker sandwiches piled high to the ceiling. "Here you go!"

"Mrs. Cake!" Roseluck gasped from where she hid behind the muffin bar. "No! You mustn't!"

"I must!" Cup Cake swooned, a plump fetlock draped against her plump forehead. "For the good of Equestria!"

"Whatever." The human reached forward with her massive monkey arm. "What does Trixie owe you?"

"N-nothing!" Cup Cake fell backwards, slipping on her own puddle. "It's on th-the house!"

The creature shrugged. "Works for Trixie." In one hand she grabbed the peanut-butter-and-crackers. "Zoop." In the other hand, Trixie. "Double-zoop."

Several gawking seconds of stumbling later...

...the doppelgangerish duo finally returned to the wagon. The victorious bevy of peanut buttery treats was ever so slightly subdued by the continued presence of the abominable biped squeezing herself back into that tiny compartment.

"Mrmmfff..." The human scrunched up against a wall, hunching over with a sigh. "...so how long does this damned spell's cooldown last, hmmm?"

"Duaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah..." Trixie stared and stared at the mountain of crackers, drooling.

The teenager rolled her eyes. "Hey!" She slapped the unicorn upside the head. "Peter S. Beagle's wet dream!"

"Ow!" Trixie rubbed her skull through a tangled, messy mane. "What is it?"

"How long is Trixie stuck here until you can send Trixie back?"

"Uhm..." Trixie fidgeted, eyeing the peanut butter monolith standing tantalizing before her. "I dunno. An hour? Maybe two?"

The human gave a long, lethargic sigh. At last, she reached out and unwrapped several of Mrs. Cake's products. "Here..." She dropped the treats before her tinier self. "Dig in. Trixie hates seeing something furry like you drool so much." A cold shudder, and she tightened the curtain-fabric around herself again. "It reminds Trixie of the nearby animal shelter."

"Do... do you mind if Trixie...?" The unicorn pointed an adorably pensive hoof at the crackers.

"Just get it over with." The human reclined—or at least she tried to. In kicking her legs back, she occupied the bulk of the wagon's tiny interior. "Might as keep one of us from suffering."

Trixie grinned. Quite eagerly, she dove forward, grasping the first of many ambrosial sandwiches. Squatting like a little blue squirrel, she nibbled on the corner of a cracker... smiled... and nibbled some more.

"Hrmmff..." Meanwhile, the teenager eyed the low ceiling, the rustic wood finish, and the tacky magic props shoved far into the corner. "Do you really live in this drab place, horse?"

"Mmmm-hmmm..." Trixie managed through peanut-butter muzzle-fuls. "It's how Trixie performs her magic acts from town to town."

"Is that a fact?"

"Pretty soon, all of Equestria will know the show-stopping glory of the Grrr..." Trixie grimaced. "Of the Grrrrr..." She wheezed, swallowing crackery bits. "It's hard to roll one's R's when eating peanut butter."

"Well, if you ask Trixie, it's a miracle you haven't died from sheer claustrophobia!" the human balked. "And look at how dusty this place is! Your lungs must be clogged up!"

The pony shrugged. "Trixie gets along just fine."

"Speak for yourself!" The human pointed, frowning. "Just look at your mane! It's like a bomb went off in your scalp!"

"So what? It's a frazzledy afternoon. Fart-bombing naked monkeys and all that."

"No excuses! C'mere." And she hoisted the unicorn up off her hooves.

"Guh!" The pony flailed, nearly dropping the cracker sandwich she was nibbling. "What now—?"

"Just relax." Folding her legs, the human leaned back and sat the tiny pony on her lap. With her free hand, she grabbed a brush and began ritualistically stroking the silver-white lengths of the horse's mane. The motions were swift, graceful, and more than a little bit practiced. "A hundred strokes in each direction before bed. Didn't your mother ever tell you?"

"Hmmmmm..." Trixie's ears folded as she surrendered to the brush-strokes. "Trixie... never got to know Trixie's mother."

"Mrmmfff..." The girl sighed, nevertheless continuing her ministrations. "Tell Trixie about it. Small universe, I guess... well... multi-verse." Her brow suddenly furrowed. "Stars and garters, your hair is so soft."

"Mmmmmmmmmmmm..." Trixie closed her velvety eyes shut, forming the smallest of smiles as her mane was brushed and brushed and brushed. "Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh..."

"Guess that's why the likes of Sunset and Sparkle are such push-overs," mused the teenager. She smirked mischievously—if not briefly. "Where they come from, they're just pathetic little fuzzballs who couldn't even compare to Trixie's might and majesty. Well... one of them is." She groaned inwardly. "Not so sure about Sparkle. She confuses me. And the frames of her glasses are too thick."

"Mmmmhmmmm..."

"Not that Trixie is jealous of them..."

"Mmmmhmmmm..."

"Or... of how much Sunset seems to like them..."

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..." Trixie's body began to sway. Her tail flicked in happy little motions. Between the peanut butter crackers in her muzzle and the brush swishing through her mane, she was starting to melt, and an undeniable rosiness kissed the edges of her perked-up ears.

The human blinked. For a second there, she almost thought she heard purring. With a wry smirk, she looked at the pony-thing relaxing in her lap. "Feeling better?"

"Mmmmmmm... yesssss, Starlight, stroke me more..."

This brought a crooked expression of confusion to the biped's teenaged face. "What?" She paused in her brush strokes. "Who is Starlight?"

Trixie's eyelids fluttered open. She looked straight forward, ears drooping. "... ... ... ... ... ...shit."