The Horrifically Horrible Kidnapping Of Princess Flurry Heart
Hosted By Party Master Sunburst
Queen Chrysalis stepped inside the castle and hitched in a breath. Across the hall was a pony behind a desk, a newspaper covering most of his face. Not a single adult soul was supposed to be inside that part of the castle… or at least that’s what the invitations had said.
“THIS WEDNESDAY NIGHT ONLY! PARTY LIKE YOUR MANE’S ON FIRE WITH BOTH THE PRINCE AND PRINCESS!
Where is it? The Crystal Empire ballroom across the courtyard.
When it is? 8 P.M. until 2 A.M. Or until Princess Luna shuts it down for keeping her up!
Why is there a party on a Wednesday night in the middle of a work week? Why ask silly questions when you can be drinking and dancing the night away, leaving that horrible hangover for future you to worry about?
Who’s going to be there? Prince Shining Armor and Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, obviously! As well as every last Crystal Empire guard and member of the castle staff!
Who’s NOT going to be there? Cute innocent babies, of course! Why would there be a baby at a party? That’s just silly! Princess Flurry Heart will be safe and sound and left COMPLETELY UNPROTECTED and ALONE in the west wing of the castle.
So R.S.V.P. with Party Master Sunburst before you miss out!”
At first Queen Chrysalis had thought it odd so many party invitations would be left so near to her: on the walls outside her hive, on the tree trunks she passed during her mid-morning walks, on the cool side of her pillowcase following her mid-afternoon naps. But all these little discrepancies she found she could shrug away.
She had “baby” on the mind. As in a royal “baby” by the name of Flurry Heart.
She approached the pony behind the desk and grunted out “Evening” in her current mare persona. The pony reading the paper did much the same, letting out an oily “Evening” in return.
Oddly long tail for a pony, Chrysalis mused to herself as she crossed his desk. Long unkempt beard, too. That’s what nightshift gets you, I guess.
Less than a minute later, she stumbled upon Flurry Heart’s nursery. It wasn’t hard. All Chrysalis had to do was follow the large neon arrows attached to the walls. The ones marked “FLURRY’S ROOM THIS WAY”.
Chrysalis held a hoof to her temple. The baby’s parents must’ve been rather stupid to keep forgetting the location of their only child’s room.
“Hello, my sweet,” Chrysalis cooed from the doorway. She stuck her head inside and found the room bare; only a single crib at its center alongside a few scant side tables and chairs. Inside her crib, Flurry Heart suckled on her pacifier before flipping onto her side. She snoozed.
“Like stealing candy from a baby,” Chrysalis muttered to herself. “Only if the candy was a baby and the baby was actually a couple of naïve parents.” She stepped toward the crib, baring fangs, when—
“Horrible. Terrible. Eww. Gross. Don’t say stuff like that, okay?”
Chrysalis whirled around and found the pony from before.
She put on her best “confused pony” face. “This isn’t the way to the washroom?”
The pony rolled his eyes. “Nice one, Queenie. I’ll give that one an eight out of grape. Not a full tangerine, though.” Then he snapped his fingers together, which should’ve been rather impossible for a pony to do a mere second ago, except that he’d changed into a fully-fledged Discord as he did so.
He blocked the doorway by casually leaning against it. “Now what could someone like you be doing here? Leaving a gift for the baby shower that happened over a year ago? Please tell me it’s not another scented candle. Cadence already has six-hundred and twelve of them. All peach-flavored for some reason. Think they were on sale?”
Chrysalis pondered continuing the “confused pony” charade, but quickly noted that Discord had undone her disguise when he’d snapped his fingers. Suddenly angry and annoyed at being so close and yet so far, she lowered herself into an attack position.
“So how does this proceed?” she asked. “A vicious battle before a sleeping foal?”
“Truthfully, I’d rather not,” Discord said, playfully pulling on his wispy beard. “Technically, Cadence and that boy-toy of hers don’t even know that I’m here at all.”
Chrysalis relaxed a bit. “So you weren’t stationed here to protect Flurry Heart?”
He waved his sharp claws. “Please, Chrysalis. Don’t think I have better things to do by myself on a Wednesday night? Like… finally finish that bookshelf I’ve been putting off for the last four-hundred years? I mean, those two books of mine are just sitting out on the carpet! Totally exposed!”
Taking a step closer to the crib, Chrysalis asked, “So you won’t stop me from taking this child?”
“Oh, I will,” Discord replied dryly. “Just not for the reasons you think I will.”
She raised a curved brow, and Discord grinned back like a hungry shark.
“Because I want the kid,” he went on to explain. “And what better time to kidnap her than now? While the folks are at play?”
Chrysalis gritted her teeth. “Too bad you’ll have to get—”
“Through me first,” finished the shadow on the wall that oozed to the floor, standing and becoming solid. King Sombra flicked his wavy mane from side to side, displaying a toothy sneer. He dropped a light-purple gym bag to the floor with a mild thump.
Discord angrily slapped his face with a hand. “Did everyone decide on kidnapping Flurry Heart tonight?”
“It does appear that way,” a brittle and aged voice spoke, before stepping into the room. “Now the question becomes what happens next.”
It was Lord Tirek. Wizened and entirely devoid of much magic—besides whatever kept his blackened cloak atop his bony frame without slipping off.
Now Discord did more than slap himself in the face. Now he punched himself in the face, all the way through and out the other side.
“Great! Just great!” Discord chirped as his face reformed. He pointed a claw at them in turn. “Sombra, sure, I could handle. He’s about as nasty as a summer cold. Annoying, sure, but weak against warm soup and tea. Blankets, too, knowing the lackluster individual.” Then he leveled a claw in Tirek’s direction. “But him? Him!? If Flurry Heart’s gonna be kidnapped, she should at least be kidnapped by someone with a little grace!”
Tirek smirked. “Still a bit sore about that whole betrayal nonsense?”
“Haven’t thought about it in years, actually” Discord replied, grinding his teeth together so hard they broke into splinters.
King Sombra took this moment to approach Flurry Heart’s crib, reaching down to scoop her into his hooves—until Chrysalis erected a strong force field around the child.
Sombra frowned. “If that spell woke up the foal, I will be one very angry unicorn.”
Chrysalis planted herself between Sombra and the crib. “You always look angry. How am I even supposed to tell if it gets any worse?”
“You’ll find your blood all over my clothes,” Sombra said. “And I will get even angrier than before because I absolutely hate doing laundry!”
Tirek sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You’re all more foolish than I first thought. One snide comment and the lot of you will be slashing at each others’ throats, spoiling this opportunity for everyone.” He thought for a moment, and nodded. “Yes, that is what we shall do. Chrysalis? You shall start us off.”
Chrysalis looked bewildered. “Start what off?”
“Give us the reason that you are here to take Flurry Heart away. And should it prove better than the rest of our reasons, then you shall be the one to take her home.”
“Fine.” She blew a bit of flat mane from her eyes. “If it isn’t obvious by now, my race of changelings survive on love. This Flurry Heart is practically dripping with the stuff.” She licked at her dark lips. “At the moment, this baby’s like some Las Pegasus all night buffet. One with the chocolate waterfall and make your own crepe station. And should things go as planned, I would have her become Queen once I am too old to lead.”
Tirek turned to Sombra. “And what is your plan?”
Shrugging, Sombra averted each one of their gazes. His cheeks flushed a bit. “Uhh… you know… use her as a slave and whatnot.” He scratched at the back of his neck. “Get her to grab me drinks from the fridge. Or chips if I wanted them. Just really simple things like that. Next pony?”
Tirek chewed on his tongue. “Okay, so far we’ve got Love Buffet and Miniature Snack Dispenser. Let’s see if Discord can top either.”
Still standing beside the doorway, Discord covered his mouth for a yawn. “Oh, we’re still doing this? Okay. I only want Flurry Heart so I can start another scavenger hunt like that last one I did. Only this time with all of Equestria playing along!” He leaned forward as if to share some deep secret. “And the grand prize at the end?”
“Princess Flurry Heart,” Tirek answered at once.
“Princess Flurry Heart!” Discord finished, as if Tirek had said not a word.
Chrysalis shoved her hoof into Tirek’s chest. “And what about you Mr. Short-Red-And-In-Serious-Need-Of-A-Retirement-Home? What does a creature like yourself do with a baby?”
“Suck her dry, of course,” he said matter-of-factly. “Every last drop of that tasty magic of hers.”
“Eww!” Discord yelped. “With those dirty lips of yours? I knew you were gross!”
Tirek pulled a straw out from his pocket. “With my swirly straw, actually.”
“This isn’t even a competition anymore,” Chrysalis informed them roughly. “Your excuses mean nothing to me! I’m the only one that actually needs this child to survive. As do my children!” From some unseen pouch, Chrysalis brought out a black-and-white photo of what must’ve been a thousand of her changeling drones. She pointed at them at random. “How in good conscience can I tell dear Ricky that he won’t be getting a new sister tonight? Or poor Julian with that terrible limp of his? Or poor Richard with the lisp?” She took a moment to squint at the photo. “Or is that Richard the Third I’m looking at? They all look so alike. That’s it. I’ve made up my mind. First thing next year, we’re investing in nametags.”
Tirek grinned as he took the photo away from her, tearing it into pieces with his fingers. “I care not for the pains of the young and innocent. I have spent too long in Tartarus. I have no intention—”
“Shut your stupid mouth right now!” Discord shouted randomly, waving both hands above his head. “Sombra’s up to something! Everyone tackle Sombra!”
And so they did—flattening the ex-King like some burnt pancake against the floor.
“I was merely… gathering… my belongings,” Sombra managed to wheeze out from underneath the three of them. “Oh, sweet Celestia, spines aren’t supposed to curve like that.”
Chrysalis was the one that reached for Sombra’s light-purple gym bag and opened it up. She gasped. Then she snickered. “And here I thought you only wanted Flurry Heart to act as your butler.”
Sombra’s face was flushed red before. Now it was deep crimson.
Chrysalis began throwing items out from the bag. “Diapers, wet naps, teddy bears, a spare blanket.” She grimaced as she pulled out a notebook. “Is this a baby book I see? Sombra… buddy… we you planning on keeping Flurry Heart? Like some kind of… father-daughter thing?”
Vehemently, Sombra rose to his hooves, shaking off both Discord and Tirek. “No! It’s not like that at all! Honest! Why… I was always planning on killing that foal! Sure I was!”
Chrysalis faced the book to them. The header read “BABY’S FIRST KIDNAPPING.”
“You mushy piece of crap,” Discord said irritably. “You’re giving villains a bad name, you know that? Wanting to raise a child as your own—loving her and protecting her and making all her dreams come true until the day she dies!” He spat a wad of phlegm onto the floor. “It’s enough to make me sick!”
Again, Tirek pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s become clear what we must do. We must divide Flurry Heart equally.”
“I don’t think so!” Discord protested. “As if I’d leave here with just a butt! I want the head! Or at least a leg!”
“No, you moronic circus serpent,” Tirek exhaled tiredly. “I meant divide Flurry Heart’s time. Mondays and Tuesdays, Chrysalis. Wednesdays and Thursdays, myself. Fridays and Saturdays, Sombra. Leaving Discord with Sundays. Lazy afternoons included.”
“As if to infinity!” Discord protested again, sticking his face way too close to Tirek’s. “So I get the kid after a weekend worth of wild parties? Hung over and in desperate need of greasy grub? I don’t think so, buster! If that even is your real name!”
Sombra shook his head from side to side in order to grasp Discord’s gibberish. “What makes you think I’d spend all weekend drinking with a baby?”
Discord shrugged. “Isn’t that what everyone does on the weekends?”
***
In a large, perfectly white room, Shining Armor sat in a swivel chair, speaking into a magic microphone. “They’re angry at each other, Sunburst. Begin Operation Suck Less.”
A timid voice spoke into his earpiece. “Are you positively sure, sir? I mean, I feel sort of bad about—”
“Flurry Heart will be fine. She needs to vent some of that extra magic of hers, anyhow. And holding pity for this ragtag gang of villains? Must I remind you of what Chrysalis has done to Equestria? What Tirek has? What Sombra has?”
“And what about Discord, sir?”
Shining thought on that. “Well, Discord’s just a dick.”
***
The door to the nursery room slammed shut, causing the four of them to jolt. All eyes turned to Discord, who only furrowed his brows. “Don’t look at me. I didn’t do that.”
“It’s a trap,” Sombra muttered out, closing his eyes. “I should’ve known something was off the moment I nearly choked on that damned party invitation I woke up to shoved down my throat.”
Discord snickered. “You never would guess where I found mine.”
The other three made equally disgusted expressions.
“In the mailbox, you filthy animals!” Discord shouted, before calming himself. “But seeing as how this is most definitely a trap, I think I’ll be bidding you all goodnight. Except Tirek, that is. He can have a badnight. Hopefully involving heated metal rods and sacred orifices.”
Then he snapped his fingers. And nothing happened.
So he snapped them again, much to the same effect.
His ears fell flat on his head. “I guess they put up an anti-magic spell. Wunderbar.”
Using a hoof, Chrysalis rapped against the side of Flurry’s crib. “Nice try, Cadence! But aren’t you forgetting something? Hmm? Maybe that precious daughter of yours still locked inside here with us?”
“Or, uhh, is it that, umm, you’re all locked in here with her?” asked a timid voice from the ceiling.
The four of them looked upward to an air vent. On the other side of the grate sat a unicorn in a cape, along with glasses and a bit of chin scruff. Sunburst, they knew. His picture had been included on the invitations. The fake party’s “Master of Ceremonies.”
“I’m, uhh, truly sorry about this,” Sunburst stuttered on, pressing his glasses back up his nose. “I hope we can all, umm, be friends someday.”
Sombra shook a hoof toward him. “I’d never be friends with the likes of you! Come down here and I’ll devour you like candy!”
“Umm, no, that’s okay.” Sunburst brought out a small fishing rod that he cast through the grate’s opening. The rod’s plastic hook sank lower and lower into the room, until it hovered directly above Flurry Heart’s head.
“What are you fishing for?” Tirek asked him curiously.
“This,” Sunburst said, quickly yanking back on the fishing rod. With a slick pop sound, Flurry Heart’s pacifier came back with the hook back up to the vent.
For a while no one said a word. No one even breathed.
Then, sluggishly, Flurry Heart sat up in her crib, rubbing at both eyes. Then she opened her mouth once… twice… three times… before finding something gone. It was clear she didn’t like that very much. “WAAAAAHHHHGGGHGHHHGGH!”
That first blast of pure screaming child collided with all four villains like a tidal wave, denting walls and creatures alike. Soon the white tiles along the floor began to change color and shake—some even projecting images from far-off, undiscovered lands. A few of them wholly on fire. One of the extra chairs in the room burst into white sugar, while another collapsed to the floor after being turned into a giant mound of butterscotch pudding.
Queen Chrysalis turned to Discord. “Do something!”
“Like what!? You happen to have another pacifier in that hardened shell of yours?”
As if working on the same wavelength, the pair immediately turned to Sombra, who remained half imbedded inside the wall with only his furry rump sticking out. Chrysalis grabbed his discarded gym bag and searched inside, pulling out a dog’s chew toy in the shape of a bone.
“You have this, but not a baby pacifier?” she screamed at Sombra.
Sombra’s voice was muffled due to the wall of plaster between them. “I’m a first-time father. Cut me some slack.”
Chrysalis grimaced. “Don’t all you ponies use your hooves to shut each other up with? Here. Use mine.” She edged toward the crib before Discord halted her.
“Please, Chrysalis,” he said. “What are your hooves even made of? Hardened plastic? The black licorice bits leftover at the bottom of bulk bins?”
Finally, Sombra pried himself out of the wall, raising a hoof. “Then I shall do it!”
Discord narrowed his eyes at Sombra’s hooves. “Did you even try dodging the dog turds in the courtyard? Who else?”
“What about you?” Tirek asked.
“Me?” Discord glanced at his razor sharp eagle’s claw and lion’s paw. “Sure! If you want Flurry Heart reading out our ransom demands with the use of her new forked tongue!” He eyed up Tirek’s hands—his thin and frail fingers.
He took a step toward him. “Give me your hands, old timer.”
***
“The noises have ceased. I want a report on what’s going on inside.”
Shining Armor gave his chair a quick spin, listening intently to Sunburst’s response.
He nodded. “Good. Then move onto Operation Meany Pants.”
Princess Cadence stood by his side, listening in. “How’s our little bundle of joy doing? I hope she’s not too scared around so many strangers.”
Smirking, Shining said, “Flurry Heart will be just fine. I’ll give them another five minutes before they’re all screaming for mercy.”
***
Tirek sighed. At that very moment, the thumb of his left hand was being greedily suckled upon by a foal. At that very moment, it was all that was saving the four of them from brutal annihilation at the hooves of a baby. Also at that very moment, Tirek greatly wanted to stick that same saliva-coated thumb right inside Discord’s eye socket until he heard a popping sound.
“Are we safe? Was that the worst of it?” Sombra asked in a whimper.
“I’m, uhh, afraid not,” timid Sunburst said from the air vent above again. He exhaled dourly before hissing to Flurry Heart, “Hey, baby! Wake up baby and look up here!”
Inside her crib, Flurry Heart blinked and stared upward, a faint smile on her lips at seeing her guardian in such a strange place.
“You, uhh—oh, Celestia, please forgive me—you smell bad and nobody likes you! And you’re not as cute as most ponies say! I called you cute as a button once, but what I meant was cute as a button found seventy-five percent off at a thrift store!”
Flurry Heart’s original smile vanished and was replaced by one of infinite sadness. She spat out Tirek’s thumb as her lower lip jutted out. Soon her eyes shimmered.
“And why is your head so much bigger than the rest of your body? You’re like eighty percent head!” Sunburst ended his brief rant, wiping away tears of his own. He regretfully told the rest of them, “Again, I’m soooooo sorry about all this.”
Flurry Heart sniffled. A single tear trickled down her cheek.
“Quick!” Chrysalis said. “Someone make her laugh! Do something! Anything!”
“Stand back and let a real entertainer handle this brat.” Stepping up to the crib, Discord rolled up the skin on both arms. He placed a hand atop Flurry Heart’s muzzle before pulling it back. “Who’s got your nose? Hmm? Who’s got your nose?”
Flurry Heart settled for a moment, smiling sweetly.
“Does Uncle Discord have your nose?” Discord asked, holding nothing but air in his hand.
That was when Flurry Heart reached out to match his motion, grabbing at Discord’s pointed muzzle. Only instead of “pretending” to remove it from his face, she somehow actually did. She held Discord’s pair of twisted nostrils up curiously.
“Seez gah mah nooze!” Discord screamed, back-peddling away from her. “Ann nowz I sounnz leek un foreign izziot!”
Flurry Heart let Discord’s nose fall away as Tirek stepped up to the plate. He held a length of cloak over his head to make it seem as if he’d disappeared. Then he returned. Then he disappeared again.
“Peek-a-boo!” Tirek added to his act. “Peek-a-boo! Where did Tirek go? Where did—”
There was a loud snap in the room, along with the smell of burnt toast. Tirek’s empty cloak crumbled to the floor. There was no sign of the centaur anywhere.
Another sharp snap and a swirling red portal opened up on the ceiling near the door. Tirek then exited it headfirst, leaving him sprawled out and twitching on the ground.
His eyes opened wide, showcasing pupils the size of pinpricks. “I saw a great lake of ice… with ponies half-frozen within! A three-faced demon told me the fates of all traitors once they cease to exist!”
With no one to entertain her, Flurry Heart began sniffling again.
Then tearing up.
Then going full-blown temper tantrum as every object and individual inside the room was painfully rocked back and forth, bouncing off all the walls and ceiling.
Soon small pockets of the floor turned to quicksand. Or to lava. Or to both.
The wallpaper encircling the nursery came loose off the wall and grew both a tongue and two narrow eye-slits. It slithered around the crumbling room like a snake only a millimeter-thick.
Lastly, a desk lamp gifted life only moments ago, began pounding on the door to be let out.
Discord froze on the spot. “But I’m too young to die! I haven’t even lost my baby teeth yet!” He pulled out a fistful of teeth to hold. “See? They’ve been in my pocket all this time!”
Flurry Heart roared once again, knocking the teeth from Discord’s hand. Discord spotted Sombra huddled in a corner, so he went over there to join him, wrapping two elastic arms around Sombra’s middle.
“What in Equestria do you think you’re doing!?” Sombra growled. “This is my crying corner! Go find your own!”
Discord replied evenly, “If I am going to die tonight, I am going to die holding something fluffy and soft, damn it.” He sniffed at Sombra’s fur. “And springtime fresh, too. Is that your body wash I smell? You must tell me which brand you use once we both die and get sent to Hell.”
Sombra screamed with his mouth shut, causing his cheeks to puff out like a squirrel’s. Then he screamed again once Chrysalis and Tirek added themselves to the mix.
“My personal space is being invaded and I don’t like it!”
Sadly, it seemed as if no one really cared what Sombra felt at that moment.
“Discord’s right. This is nice,” Chrysalis commented, grabbing a fat chunk of Sombra to call all her own.
“I’ve had better,” Tirek muttered.
Sombra screamed one last time, hearing his voice much clearer than before. Flurry Heart’s roars had all but been silenced; no table or chairs smashed against one another or changed forms or began talking with a weird accent. Instead, Flurry Heart left the safety of her crib to stand before them all, forelegs raised and cheeks wet with tears, her lower lip quivering.
She wasn’t used to being left out of a hug; especially one involving four ponies at once.
So, with the thoughts of utter destruction should they refuse the child’s wishes, Chrysalis, Discord, Tirek, and Sombra all did what they had to, inviting her in so she could share their warmth.
Together they prayed she would sleep soundly throughout the night.
***
Not a single one of them touched that following morning’s breakfast of oatmeal sprinkled with brown sugar. Wasting no time, the four individuals who’d tried baby-napping the night before all signed the contract they’d agreed upon… or were coerced into agreeing upon under threat of more alicorn freak baby tantrums.
Once all was said and done, Shining Armor stared at them across the table. “Looks as though we’ve come to an agreement: we will not allow Flurry Heart to participate in Equestrian battles until she is at least passed her terrible twos, and in return, you may go about your villainous ways as long as you make your plans known two weeks in advance. Also by not stepping on anyone’s already booked holidays or special occasions. I know that nothing’s worse than being somewhere important when you’re suddenly interrupted by a villain attack.”
Both Shining and Cadence glanced Chrysalis’ way.
She merely played with her mane, disinterested.
“Any questions?”
Only Sombra raised a hoof. “Couldn’t you have just asked us to sign this without tricking us?”
Shining shook his head. “Flurry Heart needed to vent some of her pent-up magic. And you four have always seemed durable enough.”
Sombra’s hoof remained raised. “And what are the odds I could babysit sometime?”
Shining frowned. “Like one out of a million.”
Surprisingly, Sombra smiled at that. “So you’re telling me there’s a chance?”
Author's Note
Yep. It's official. Flurry Heart has grown on me. She's cute, damn it! 
And anyone notice what Tirek did when he divided the week between them all? Who got that particular night for instance? What a sneaky goat-faced jerk.
