When Chaos and Psychopathy Collide

by Haoryu Changer

Rating: teen
Tags: South Park, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 12674

It was just one average day in South park, when three fillies appear in Cartman's room. Not the dumbest shit Cartman's seen in his life by far.

One day before school starts, Eric Cartman finds three little animals in his room that can speak English. Chaos ensues.

Rated T for language and violence.

Published 2016-12-05 05:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-22 02:32:27 UTC

I've Seen Crazier

It was normal, which wasn't normal for something like my home South Park to hold.

I was just packing some of my things, getting ready for the prison in South Park, my skewl... But in all prisons, there's the dominant guys and that one guy who gets rape in the shower. Of course, the guy who gets raped is a certain little Jew boy, and I'm one of the kewl dominant guys.

...Alright, that came out wrong. Thank god the guys didn't hear that shit. There's no way in hell I'm even getting close to Kahl like that.

Anyways, skewl is a hellhole filled with stupid people other than my friends and some other feminists that are sweet to piss off. The only reason I go is for their misfortune, which fills me up with joy, and my gains, which is definitely not the stupid shit they teach. The only people I even slightly care about are the ones who benefit me, like that gaywad Butters. Everyone else is just in the god damn way.

Well, back to this story that I'll probably change a bit to make Kahl look bad and read to the class later. I was just packing my things because my mom wasn't home to do it for me, probably doing some work somewhere else. I packed some binders filled with paper with notes and homework to throw at Kahl, some pencils, pens, and markers to draw or some shit... or to throw at Kahl, and my gym clothes. I got ready soon after, still being in my pajamas, then took my backpack downstairs to the kitchen to pack some food.

I thought I heard some rumbling upstairs when I was walking down the staircase but a second later my tummy started to rumble. Probably because I didn't eat as much as I do yesterday. I do need to keep these guns strong, you know. I left some cereal on the table as I started to pack more things. Three bags of cheesy poofs, some small cookies, and a doughnut. I then looked over at the edge of the counter to see that my mom left seven bucks for my lunch. Stupid bitch gave me less than the usual fifteen. I frowned with a little anger and hopped onto my seat at the kitchen table to start on my cereal. I took a couple of bites before I heard another rumbling.

This didn't come from my stomach.

I looked up and wondered if my mom had another guy over. I left my cereal at the table and went to the front window to see that the car was gone. Suspicious.

It was probably Mr. Kitty. Such a bad kitty I tell you. With some anger, I made my way upstairs and found that the sounds got clearer and clearer. It sounded like jumping. God dammit Mr. Kitty! Being such a dildo at the moment.

The sounds were coming from my room so it couldn't be from my mom even if she was still here. It was driving me crazy when I got closer.

"God dammit, Mr. Kitty what the hell-" I stopped and stared inside my room when I opened the door. A lot of things surprised me before, but this... this was just too much shit this early in the morning.

There were three small colored horses in my room.

One was jumping on my bed that I just made up for god's sake! It was orange with.... wings, purple hair, and a long ass purple tail. Her eyes were also purple. Some people call me stupid, which I'm not, but even a retard knew that horses didn't have colored eyes or wings.

Another one had a dildo on her head with white fur and purple and pink hair and tail, along with green eyes. It was going through my forbidden chest of toys. The fuck?

The last one was orange-eyed with yellow fur and red hair and tail having a red bow on her head as well. She was trying on my clothes... did Kenny give me drugs or alcohol and was my dumbass actually on it right now?!

My intrusion with yelling and cutting myself off brought them all to look at me with their colored eyes.

We stared at each other for a good minute before I silently sighed to myself and passed the confused yellow one to my closet. I kneeled down and took out a shoe box with my gun in it. It would be quick and simple.

I opened the box and took out the gun, loading in five bullets then cocking the top, making the sound I love so much. I turned and aimed the gun at the yellow one, pulling the trigger.

If it was human and my age, it would have hit it in the dick, since it was a bit smaller than me. Sadly, that means it went right below it through its legs and I fucking missed. I swear Butters used this gun last and now it's affecting my skill.

When it went through its four legs, it flinched and screamed which made the most terrible sound known to humankind that pissed me off even more. I turned to the other two with a glare and they started to scream, running all over my room messing it up completely. Did horses scream?

I tried and fired more shots hitting everything except for those god damn things. I broke my mirror and now my bed post had two holes in it. I heard that stupid clicking sound basically telling me that I couldn't kill these annoying things.

Then came my mom.

"Eric! What's going on?" She yelled with worry as she appeared at my door frame with a scared look on her face.

"Mom! There are these things in my room an-" I pointed to where I thought those things were and found that I was just pointing to my bed filled with bullet holes.

All my mom saw was the shot bed and the gun I had in my hand and she got pissed. "Eric, have you been watching scary movies all night again? I told you it would make you see things!" She yelled pointlessly at me. She ran up and took the gun from my hand. "And what have I told you about guns? That's very naughty, Eric."

I blew a fake sigh, trying to get her to fuck off. "I'm sorry mom I won't watch those scary movies again," I said with a fake sad voice. "I just want to be a big and brave kid, mommy." I also put in a sniffle to draw her attention at my 'sadness'.

"Oh..." She kneeled down beside me with sympathy. Too fucking easy. "Eric, I know you want to be a big boy. But you don't need to watch scary movies to be brave hon."

"I-I don't?" I looked at her with a sad face.

She shook her head. "Of course not. Now get ready for school. Your bus comes in thirty minutes.

I hugged her leg. "Thanks, but mommy? Why were you gone a couple of minutes ago?" I ask with my fraud kind voice.

"Mommy just had some stuff to do Eric, now go on and get ready." She left me right after she said that.

A couple of seconds passed before I ran up to my door, paying close attention inside my room as I did, I looked in the hallway for any sign of her, then slammed it shut with a frown.

I got a bat leaning on my nightstand and tiptoed around inside my room. "Alright, assholes! Where the fuck are you hiding?" I held the bat with two hands and slowly looked around my room. I looked inside the closet and of course, they weren't there. I then looked in my toy chest to see none of them. Which meant that the only place they could be hiding was under the fucking bed, a classic.

I kneeled beside it and dipped my head down, now staring at three scared looking horses.

"Hi there," I said, full of hate. I signaled with my pointing finger. "Come out." I don't know how, but the three understood and came out with fear. I guess they didn't have a choice. "Sit down," I said with a frown while pointing my bat beside my bed. They walked over with their heads down and started to climb my- "Not on my bed you retarded fucking horses!"

The yellow one turned and looked at me with a glare. "We're not horses!" She yelled?

I stared at her with wide eyes. "What the fuck?" She just fucking spoke English, and in a hillbilly accent.

"Yeah, we're ponies." The orange one said to me.

I literally slapped myself in the face. "Of course, you're from Imaginationland." I then smirked and looked at them, holding my bat with two hands. "Which means it's legal to kill you, since you're not technically real." They whimpered. Oh god, I love being in control.

I raised the bat and aimed for the yellow one's head since its dumbass decided to raise its voice at me.

"Imaginationland?" She asked me.

I swung the bat and she flinched before it hit her directly on the forehead. It didn't even make a scratch or dent. "The fuck?"

"Wait, are you using a Wiffle bat?" This shitter asked me.

I looked at my bat, quickly realizing it was a Wiffle ball bat. "Oh- AH! God dammit!" I yelled throwing this useless thing down to the floor.

"Who's god?" The orange dumbass with wings asked.

"I like this monkey, he's funny." The white dildo head one just called me a fucking monkey, who does she, I mean it does have a female voice, think she is? I picked up the useless bat and whacked her with it on the forehead as well, making her giggle.

"Hello, I'm a human not a fucking animal like you!" I yelled pointing to her.

"Well, that's just rude and specist" The orange dumbass said with a frown.

"And we're from Equestria for your information." The yellow one spoke again. I was getting sick of this.

"Eric hon, the bus is coming soon!" I barely heard my mom called up to me. I ran up to my door, opened it, and yelled down with anger that I was coming. I slammed it right after and looked at the three. "Look, I don't care where you came from, and I don't have anything in this room to kill you with, and I'm not getting adults involved with this because they might do worse."

"Worse?" They all asked me.

"They might try to experiment on you or whatever, ask me a bunch of questions I rather not deal with. But anyways, I need to get to school or my mom will act like a total bitch again. Stay here until I get back." I ordered them, turning to my bag my mom probably brought in when she first came up. I slipped my arms in and ran out of the room shutting the door behind me. "And if my room is a mess when I get back, I will do much worse than satan could!" I yelled through it.

I ran downstairs and headed to the kitchen, finding out that my cereal had gotten soggy and gross. I left it there and went to the front door, opening it, heading outside, and slamming it behind me cutting off my mom's goodbye.

I ran to the bus stop finding the bus about to leave. I managed to get on before the doors closed and walked down the middle aisle while out of breath.

"Hey, fatass you almost missed the bus." The Jew said to me as I passed him.

"Oh really? I thought jews weren't smart enough to realize that?" I say back to him with sarcasm.

"Fuck you!" He says with a glare at which I just flipped him off as a reply.

I went to the very back of the bus and sat down, watching buildings pass by through the window. It was then I heard some ruffling in my bag. No...

To my shock and anger, I opened my bag to find those three - Ponies they called themselves? - in my bag huddled up. They looked up at me with sheepish smiles. How the fuck did they even fit in there!?

I whispered down at them with anger. "What the fuck are you doing in there?"

The yellow one decided to open her mouth. "We didn't want to be left at your house alone. We don't know where we are."

"And you think I can help you? I can assure you I am the last person you want help from."

"Then take us to someone who can!" The purple one whisper-yelled.

"You think I want to deal with a bunch of stupid questions involving ponies?" I sighed with frustration. How was I going to hide them until I got home? Leaving them in my locker over the weekend until they died of hunger wouldn't work, a janitor would smell their corpses and find them in there. Then I would get questioned and probably be put in detention.

There was something that could work, however.

I peeked out to stare at the middle aisle of the bus, seeing Kyle's bag open with some notebooks and snacks. "You see there?" I asked them pointing to his bag. "He has a bag of chips in his backpack that I want. Get it for me and I'll see what I can do." If they went for the Jew's stuff and they got caught, I would act surprised and act like I didn't know shit. My plan was flawless.

"Isn't that stealing?" The white one asked.

"No dildo head, it's mine! I meant I want it back!"

"What's a dildo?" Of course, the orange dumbass asked that.

I slapped myself in the face again. "Just get it for me!" They just kept fucking staring at me. I rolled my eyes. "Please?" Then it looked like they were starting to move, thank god! My plan was finally in motion and I could finally have a peaceful morning.

Except when I looked down at them they were just staring at the bag.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked them in a harsh whisper. Then I paid attention and heard what they were saying.

"Can ya see it, Sweetie Belle?" I could tell it was the yellow one whispering by her accent.

"Yeah, hold on." What kind of name was Sweetie Belle? Then again they were girly ponies.

She sounded like she was concentrating. When I looked closer I saw that her dildo was glowing green. Confused, I turned to look at Kahl's bag and saw that the bag of chips that I asked for was also glowing in that green and was shaking. The next thing I knew, the snack floated to me in that glow with a quiet sparkling noise and it dropped down into my lap. I picked it up with confusion.

"What the fuck just happened?" I asked.

"That was magic, duh!" Did the orange dumbass think I was stupid or something.

"Magic?" I scoffed and looked at their faces which were dead serious. "Wait, you weren't kidding," I said with shock.

"Only Sweetie Belle can use it because she has a horn." So basically this hillbilly pony told me that her friend here has a magic dildo.

"Yeah, and I could also do other things if I practiced. Levitation is a basic thing." She told me.

I looked at the bag of chips in my grasp, then back at the three little ponies sitting in my bag.

"Talking to yourself back there, fatass?" Kenny yelled a few seats away.

"HEY!"

I only heard laughter from that poor bastard.

I turned back to the creatures in my bag.

I might not get rid of them after all, at least not Dildo Belle.

Author's Note

This just came up in my mind and I had nothing else to write so I was like why not? Tell me if you feel that anything's wrong with Cartman or the CMC in this story, I don't believe I have Cartman's character well written but we'll see.

A School Day With Three Small Ponies

I stepped down the bus' stairs while holding my bag filled with these small ponies tightly to my back. I noticed and walked up to my friends, Stan, Kahl, and Kenny who were talking to some of my other more distant friends, Clyde, Craig, Tweek, and Token in front of the skewl.

I didn't listen on their conversation too much as I looked around the skewl front for any signs of Butters. I needed to get the answers for the homework we got yesterday, but that asshole wasn't anywhere outside, probably in the schewl somewhere scratching his balls or something.

As I was about to head off to my locker inside my schewl, my friend Stan Marsh came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. "Hey, were you listening?" He asked me.

I noticed the other guys were walking away but still talking to one another. "No dude, what's up?" I frowned a bit as I felt the three ponies inside my backpack shuffle a bit. Thankfully, Stan didn't notice.

"We're hanging out at my house tomorrow to play some Playstation, my mom could order us some pizza." He explained.

"Oh, that's kewl. I'm so down brah." I took out my sweet iPhone 6s to check the time and text Butters.

Hey fag where r u?

"What are we going to play?" I asked Stan, still looking at my phone.

He shrugged. "I dunno, maybe some Call of Duty or 2K."

I looked at him. "I'm down to play some 2K. Anyways, I have to find Butters."

"Cool, anytime after four tomorrow."

"Alright, later." I started to walk off and I felt my phone vibrating in my hand, probably Butters. I raised my phone to my eyes and saw my notifications.

Butters AKA Pussy 5 sec ago

I'm at my locker Eric.

Of course, he had to text perfect grammar, what a nerd. Then again, his parents would probably ground him just for having one spelling mistake, such assholes. I quickly made my way to his locker about ten lockers away from mine, shoving some idiots to the side who were in my way. I ignored their shouts as I spotted that pussy Butters and walked over to him with some hope and worry in my eyes. He always feels bad and that's how I get him to do some small stuff for me. "Sup Butters." I greeted.

"Hey, Eric!" He said back as always. "Oh boy, was that homework hard yesterday, I nearly didn't finish before my bedtime." He was putting some things that I didn't care about in his locker as he said that.

"Oh, yeah, about that. I really need the homework answers, lend them to me over lunch, alright?" I told him.

He looked at me with his smile. "Why sure, Eric! Here," He reached into his gay little Hello Kitty Backpack sitting at the bottom of his locker, he pulled out two sheets of the math homework filled in with answers.

"This better be correct or I'm kicking your ass," I say casually as I take his work. Ever since Mr. Garrison got fired and we got some random bitch as a replacement teacher I was doing this kind of shit more often because she didn't know me as well as Garrison did. I could get away with almost anything if I tried.

"I double checked, Eric. I'm sorry if any of the answers are wrong, though." He said as he shut his locker closed.

"You better be," I said with a frown before I turned and started to head to my own locker. By now most of the hallway was empty except some other kids and Butters who was about to leave himself. I checked left and right before I opened my locker and placed my backpack down carefully at the bottom. I unzipped it and out popped the orange dumbass's head.

"Stealing homework answers I see?" She said with a smirk.

"Hey, Orange Dumbass," I said as I took out a bag of Cheesy Poofs and started to eat some. "What do you know about homework?" I asked with a full mouth.

She was confused by the name and shrugged. "I do it myself where I'm from, mostly taking the answers from Sweetie Belle." She explained to me.

"I see." I didn't bother questioning how little girly ponies got and did homework. As I popped another Cheesy Poof into my mouth, I looked around and saw two girls in my class, Wendy, and Bebe. I looked closer at Wendy's locker and saw that same pink book on the top shelf. I always wondered what it was, with her being too protective over it and all. I had suspicions, and if I had the book in my hands to find out if they were correct then I would have so much fun involving blackmail. This was when I remembered something. "What's Dildo Belle doing?" I ask the orange dumbass with a smirk.

"It's Sweetie Belle." She corrected. "And she's playing with Apple Bloom. Why?"

I glanced back at her with a raised eyebrow. "How the fuck do you even have space in there?"

She shrugged. "Beats me."

I rolled my eyes. Perhaps these three had cartoon physics or something. "Could you call her out for a second?"

She scratched her head. "Uh, sure." She ducked back into my bag and the next thing I knew Dildo Belle's head popped out.

"Hey, you needed me?" She asked with a friendly smile.

"Hey, Dildo Belle?" I thought for a moment, ignoring her trying to correct her own name. If these ponies were civilized enough to have a schewl and do homework, it was a possibility they knew all about privacy. That would mean I would have to trick her into doing what I wanted her to do.

"Um, could you hurry this up? Me and Apple Bloom are in the middle of a game right now."

"You see those two girls over there?" I asked her, facing and pointing to Wendy and Bebe chatting.

"Yeah, what about them?" She asked.

"Well you see, the one with the pink hat and purple shirt took my girlfriend's diary. She's thinking about blackmailing her." I said to her with fake sadness in my voice. "Y-you see there, on the top shelf of her locker, that pink book right there? There's no way I could get that book back because she'll see me and beat me up. I'm not strong and I don't have magic like you do. S-so could you..."

She frowned at me with sympathy in her eyes. "Y-yeah, of course. I really hate bullies." She patted my back with care before she went on to do her magic with her dildo. This was so awesome.

I watched with my own two eyes as Dildo Belle concentrated with her tongue stuck out and dildo shining in her green-eyed color. The pink book at the top of the shelf shifted a bit in a dimming green glow before silently beginning to hover within the locker. It hovered above the two clueless girls talking to each other before it made its way towards me, a second later the book slowly and quietly made its way towards my hands reaching out. Once it was floating a couple centimeters above my two hands, Dildo Belle turned off her magic and the book fell into my hold. I turned to the cover and found out that my assumptions were correct.

It was the bitch's diary.

I smiled wide and internally I was so excited and almost jumped in happiness when Dildo Belle spoke up. "You're welcome." She said with a roll of her eyes and a smile on her face.

I turned to her with a happy smile, almost forgetting that this was my 'girlfriend's'. "Oh, thank you so much, Dildo Belle. You don't know how much this will make her happy."

"You could at least get my name right!" She whined in annoyance. "I'm always up on stopping dumb bullies. Anyways, I have to get back to our game. See ya!" She ducked back inside before I could say anything else. But I didn't need to, I had Wendy Fucking Testaburger's diary in my hands and she didn't even know!

With a smirk, I stashed her diary in my locker and closed it, double checking if it was locked. I would have to be sure to come back after schewl and retrieve it. I was going to have more fun than I thought on the weekend.

I started to head to class, realizing that Wendy and Bebe had left. Whether or not they noticed that Wendy's diary was missing didn't matter, I wasn't anywhere near them since this morning, and they had no proof it was me even if they suspected me, which could most likely happen. They can't even search me.

I know my rights.

As I approached my classroom door, I realized something. Not too many kids in our class brought their bags in the classroom. And there was no way in hell I was letting my eyes off these magical creatures for a single minute.

I guessed that I would have to come up with an excuse for now just in case.

I entered my classroom, noticing some of the other kids just getting into their seats. I quickly made my way over to my desk and sat down, gently putting my backpack down under my desk. I barely noticed Kahl and Clyde glancing down at my backpack. They didn't comment anything about it. I'm sure some of the other kids noticed too, but neither of them said or did anything about it. Good.

For the first half of school before lunch, we were doing Math and History.

Everybody hated math, it was logical at this point in time. But History was getting there. While there was kewl stuff like Hitler and the holocaust, there was also useless things we needed to learn for some shitty reason. About fifteen minutes into the lesson I had my forehead down resting on my two arms on my desk. I stared down at my backpack in thought.

Sure Dildo Belle had magic, but what about the other two? I almost forgot the Orange Dumbass had wings. But then there was the Hillbilly. I doubt her friends would want to leave her behind so that means I would have to keep all three of them hidden so no one else could use them to their advantage. At least. in the end, it would be all worth it. I mean, they have magic, and can fucking fly, what more could you ask for in this stupid world?

I kept staring at my backpack for any signs of shifting or movement. Hopefully, no signs would be shown and if there were then I pray to christ no one notices. How can I explain bringing three colorful magical ponies to schewl? Even I didn't have the answer to where they came from. If they were from some place called Equestria and not Imaginationland, what does this mean? The only reason I believed them is because all the creatures have pride for where they live so these three had no reason to hide theirs if they did. I shouldn't really care, to be honest, but I'll ask later anyways.

There was also the fact that I needed to plan more shit in the future, might as well get it out of the way here in this boring class, working on it later and fixing any flaws. It was one thing to take food from someone else, but it was another to take a girl's fucking diary. Holy shit I'm getting more excited in my seat by the minute. Imagine, all of the girls in the school, all of their secrets, that's literally about half the school under my control. I could probably also take Butters journal if he has one, he probably names that shit his dairy, gay bastard.

Maybe I'm getting over myself here. I persuaded Dildo Belle once, what if she catches on after a couple uses of her magic? Then again, she does seem to be a kid, kids are always easy to trick. And perhaps I can use Wendy's diary to get others if I really wanted to.

"Hey, Cartman."

I look to my left and glare at the Jew. "What?" I spat out with a whisper.

"You feeling alright, dude? You had your head down for most of the class."

I took out and glanced at my phone and by looking at the time I realized that forty minutes of class had passed.

I ignored Kahl and sat up in my seat. I must have done it abruptly because some of my classmates looked at me funny. I also ignored them as I leaned forward resting my cheek on my palm supported by my arm on the table.

Then I smiled rather evilly. This was going to be fun.

After class was done and lunch started, I decided to get Butters' homework copied down on my own papers. I skipped going to the cafeteria today and went over to one place other people, students and adults, never go.

This was my best hiding and planning spot really, it was such a big secret to me that I didn't even use it to hide in the schewl-wide Hide and Seek game. No windows and one lockable entrance were perfect and all I needed. Chef already let us in here before because we were good friends with him, what's the difference now that he's dead?

They left his office here in remembrance of him, one desk with one office chair standing in front of four smaller chairs surrounded by shelves of other shit I never cared about. I still had all four of the spare keys he gave me, Stan, Kenny, and Kahl in grade 3. I only come here if I want complete privacy or silence, and I took the spare keys so no one would be able to intrude on me without knocking first. I'm sure he would understand if he was alive.

I locked the office door behind me, making sure I wasn't followed, I walked up to Chef's desk right after and dusted off his name tag on his desk with a finger for the millionth time. I sat down on the office chair, putting my bag on the desk and unzipping it. To my surprise, none of the ponies popped out. "Hey, you three? It's safe to come out." I didn't say that with kindness nor with harshness, I had no intentions of being nice, that was their job.

All I heard was quiet snoring. Oh yeah, every animal had to sleep I guess.

I reached in with my right hand and touched around until I felt one of them. Soon, I felt something soft, and I shook it as I spoke, "Hey, nap time is over."

Out came the upper half of a drowsy Dildo Belle. She rubbed her eyes. "What do you want now?" She asked quite rude for my tastes.

"Nothing much asshole," I said somewhat sternly. "I just thought you three dicks needed some space to stretch." I pointed down into the backpack. "Your friends would probably want to stretch even if you don't you selfish prick."

She yawned. "Um, yeah sure." She smiled and ducked her body in.

A minute passed, I was just on my phone checking Twitter. One of them was probably a hard sleeper if it was taking this long for them to get out. Eh, I was one too I suppose. I then saw a hint of pink on my phone which most likely meant one of the girls I followed tweeted something or it was one of Butters' retweets. I wonder...

I scrolled down and saw Wendy's name, I don't remember looking at her locker and if she was there looking oh-so-desperately through it.

Then I read the tweet...

Wendy Testaburger @WendyMT123 • 10m

I lost my diary! Someone, please help me find it! ...Except for you Cartman! Fuck off!

I jumped up in joy and yelled in the room. "YES! Finally, I have Wendy right where I want her. I'm finally going to win, Testaburger!" I started dancing on the table, singing my Oscar deserving Taunting Song, not noticing the three little ponies watching me in front of the table.

It wasn't until the Hillbilly cleared her throat that I noticed them. I immediately stopped dancing and cleared my throat in return, returning to my seat right after. I stared at the three, two giving me weird looks and the third, the Orange Dumbass, was stretching her legs and wings.

"So you're all stretched out? How's it in my bag?" I asked them while leaning back on the office chair and putting my feet up on the desk. I had to make them feel comfy if I wanted them to work for me.

"It's alright, I suppose." The hillbilly said in her accent. "But do you have anywhere else we can stay while you're in class?"

"Sorry, but no, I don't. Unless you want to stay in my locker? Heh..." Before they started whining I added, "But when I get home in three hours I'm sure I could find somewhere for you that's not cramped up."

"It's not cramped, it's just..."

"Smelly." Dildo Belle finished for her.

"Oh." I leaned forward a bit. "I suppose I can get my mom to clean it."

After Orange Dumbass was done stretching, she walked up and asked with furrowed brows, "So where exactly are we?"

"You're in South Park, a supposed-to-be quiet town with a small community. My home." I reached into my bag and took out a doughnut. "Where are you from again?"

"We're from a town called Ponyville in Equestria." Dildo Belle told me.

Orange Dumbass sighed. "We should have never gone into the Everfree, now we're lost."

"Well we had no choice, how else were we going to get our Exploration Cutie Marks?" Dildo Belle explained.

I had no idea what the fuck they were talking about. "Everfree? Cute Exploration what now?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"The Everfree is a magical forest with weird things happening in it all the time." The Hillbilly explained.

"So you think a magical rainbow forest brought you here?" I could care less what brought them here, I just wanted more knowledge on these magical ponies.

"Rainbow?! It's the opposite actually! The Everfree is dark and scary and there's a bunch of dangerous creatures that can eat you!" The Orange Dumbass said.

"...So why go in it then?" These things must be retarde-

"To get our Cutie Marks!"

"OH MY, GAWD!" I had to cover my ears to stop that yelling filled with cancer harming them. Still, I didn't know what the hell they were talking about, so I kept asking. "Which are...?"

Dildo Belle spoke up. Jesus, do all ponies rotate when talking in a group? "A Cutie Mark is a picture on a pony's flank to represent their special talent. We didn't get ours yet so we're trying everything we can."

"...That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Might as well tattoo a vibrating dildo, a redneck, and Justin Beiber on your asses... actually..." I shook my head, seeing as they were just staring at me. "So a town filled with magical ponies, huh?" I asked, trying to switch the subject.

They nodded, and the Hillbilly spoke up. "There's other creatures too like there's this one friendly dragon about our age."

I nearly dropped my snack. "A dragon, like a fire breathing fucking dragon?" I asked with curiosity.

"He's not the best at it when nervous, but yeah, he can breathe fire. I think it's magical too."

"Speaking of him, wasn't he there with us in the Everfree?" The Orange Dumbass asked.

The other two shrugged while my eyes grew wide. If I had a fire breathing dragon then I would be set.

"By the way, we didn't get your name." The Hillbilly told me.

I cleared my throat and said professionally, "My name is Eric Cartman. You can call me Eric or The Master Lord."

They were all confused about my second totally kewl choice for a name.

"Well, anyways... howdy there, Eric! My name is Apple Bloom!"

"And I'm Scootaloo!"

"And I'm Sweetie Belle!"

"And we're the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"

I strained through clenched teeth. "Never do that again."

Dildo Belle smiled up at me. "We get that a lot."

"And what's this about Crusaders?" I asked.

"We crusade to get our Cutie Marks, duh." The Orange Dumbass answered back like I was the dumbass.

"Well... now that we got proper introductions down, how about we discuss what's going down between us."

"What do you mean?" Dildo Belle asked.

"Like, what are you going to do now that you're in my world?"

They all just shrugged.

I sighed. At least they don't know what to do. I don't want to go through the trouble trying to explain that I can't... won't help them. "I guess you can stay with me until your parents come and save you or whatever with their magical powers." Please lord, do not let that happen. "I'll keep you safe but I can't be too sure about other people." They didn't question what others might do to them. Good.

I relaxed in my chair, closing my eyes a bit. "We'll just chill in here for the rest of recess, which is..." I checked the time on my phone. "Half an hour. Just be ready to get into my backpack in case anyone comes out of nowhere." It was quiet for a minute or two, I was half asleep in the office chair. Then I was slightly shaken from a yellow... what are those called again? Hooves?

"Whaaaat?" I asked the Hillbilly in annoyance.

"We left our saddle bags in your room and we're hungry!" She whined.

I roll my eyes. "You three had your own shit and you forgot it? What, want me to get you some grass?" I asked with frustration.

"Um... do you have some toast?" She asked me.

"..." I stared at her with disbelief. "You are telling me... that you eat fucking toasted bread."

"Of course! Especially with Granny's famous Apple Jam, but I doubt you have it, so regular toast will do."

"Uh, the only thing I have on me is cookies," I take out a bag of cookies to show her. "But I'm going to skip gym class and buy some pizza if you-"

"That'll do! Thanks!" The bitch snatched my bag of chocolate chip goodness with her teeth and ran off to give to her friends. And she's the useless one!

"You're welcome!" I yelled in anger.

We all chilled inside of Chef's office until the bell rang, indicating that recess was over. The three hopped back into my backpack, thanking me for my cookies, fucking assholes. I left the office locked as I made my way to class. I passed Bebe consoling a scared looking Wendy, hilarious, and entered the classroom. I saw Stan talking to Kahl, "Sup guys. What's going on?" I asked while taking my seat and placing my backpack under my desk.

"Dude, where were you at recess and lunch?" The Jew asked me.

"Doing important business, Jew!" I snapped back at him. "Mind your own business for once."

He rolled his eyes at me. "I was just asking a question, fatass. Maybe if you were paying attention in school you would know how to answer one!"

"Ay!"

The teacher walked in right after, and she started the next class, English. I never understood English class. Why did we need to learn a fucking language we already knew? It blew my mind when I realized how stupid the teachers were. Like, my English was perfectly fine!

Anyways, English was uninteresting as usual until the end of the lesson, where the bitch ass teacher assigned us, groups, to work on the project that I barely paid attention to when she was talking about it. And, of fucking course, she put Stan and Kahl with the rest of the guys and put me with Butters and the girls from my class. Just great.

After she assigned the groups she said we had some free time before gym. At this time I looked around to see most of the girls glaring at me. I just gave them a single glare in return and flipped them off before going back on my phone to reply to Wendy's tweet just to piss her off. I thought about saying something along the lines of her deserving it and that she's a whiny bitch.

Nothing happened much after that, when we were supposed to be in the change room for gym, I instead slipped out and went to my locker. I made sure that absolutely no one was watching when I quickly stuffed Wendy's diary into my bag. Once I did, I rushed out the back of schewl and headed for the nearest pizza restaurant, Pizza Pizza. One, I wasn't going to make everyone look bad because of my looks compared to theirs, and two, I had to feed these magical ponies in my backpack and myself because all they had was my fucking cookies and all I had was chips and a doughnut for the day. I shouldn't buy them shit just for that, stealing my god damn cookies, but they had the power that I needed, it would be all worth it in the end.

Getting Lunch With Three Small Ponies

I walked down a sidewalk with my backpack held tightly behind me.

It was actually better off skipping gym class because the shaking in my backpack was unusual at the moment. Someone would have noticed for sure if I stayed. I held back the thought of opening and yelling inside my backpack in anger because we were in public. I would have to talk to them when we got to my house later in the afternoon.

I approached the pizza restaurant and entered, making the front jingle its bells. I went up to the counter and the cashier wasn't there. If they were in the back they would have heard the bells or they were in the washroom. In that case, I hoped that they would hurry the fuck up.

While I waited, I took my right arm out of my backpack's right strap and brought the bag in front of me with its front facing me. I unzipped the bag with my right hand and the three popped out. I immediately panicked and used my right hand again to shove them back into the bag. "You can't come out now dumbasses! We're still in public!" I yelled at them inside the bag.

"It's not our fault! We didn't know." The Orange Dumbass said. I swore I could hear the pout coming from her.

"What the fuck do you think would have happened if I was still in class and I reached in my bag to grab a pencil or something?!"

"Alright, sorry! What do you want anyways?"

"I want to know what toppings you want on the pizza!"

"Ooooh..." Dildo Belle was probably drooling in there. "How about some pineapples!"

"Can I have so-"

"No apples to ruin the pizza, Bloom!" Orange Dumbass interrupted.

"..."

Dildo Belle snickered while I almost died out of laughter. "Who the hell puts apples on their pizza?"

Orange Dumbass continued. "Some mushrooms would be nice unless it's from the Everfree."

"We don't have any magical forests here, Dumbass."

"Oh, alright then. Apple Bloom, what do you want?"

"...some apples."

"What was that?" I asked.

"I want some darn tootin' apples!"

"Okay, shut up!" I yelled at her. "While they're making the pizza I'll get some stupid apples for you."

"Yes!" I could feel the eye rolls coming from the other two, I myself did the same.

"I guess I'll just get pepperoni then." I thought out loud.

"What's pepperoni?" Dildo Belle asked me innocently.

I just remembered that horses... or should I say girly ponies were vegetarians. "Uh, it's meat."

"M-meat?!" Hillbilly said in shock. "You're putting meat on your pizza?!"

"Yeah, I do it all the time." I stared at their horrified faces in my backpack, this was a good way to intimidate them. "Why, don't ponies eat pigs?" I said jokingly.

None of them said anything and only the Hillbilly shook her head while still in shock. I watched as Dildo Belle whimpered and tried to block her eyes from looking at me. The Orange Dumbass noticed this and glared at me. I didn't have time to say anything else as she used her teeth to take the zipper and close the bag from inside, blocking my view from them.

What the fuck was that about? Were they really disgusted about eating meat? I mean, fried chicken is one of my favourites! They didn't have to be such pussies and act all sensitive about it.

I quickly strapped my backpack on when I heard someone coming, it was the Indian cashier.

"How may I help you today, sir?"

"Hi, I would like a medium pizza, one quarter with pineapple, another with mushrooms, the third quarter with pepperoni and the last quarter plain cheese."

I swear I had to explain the order like ten times before he got it down right.

After the minority pushed some buttons into the register he replied. "Is that all, sir?"

"Do you have your chocolate chip cookies and how much will that add up to?" I asked.

"It's seven dollars with the medium alone and if you add the cookies it will be..." He punched more buttons before continuing. "Nine dollars."

"Two more bucks just for cookies?!" I exclaimed.

"Yes sir, and if you combine tax it's around ten-thirty."

I stared at him with a frown while I started to think. If I bought the pizza along with the cookies then I wouldn't have enough to get some apples for the Hillbilly. Then again, she didn't deserve it for snatching my cookies back at schewl... But I did just scar her and her friends' minds and I do feel a bit bad. Why am I considering buying something for someone else? I don't know. No one deserves shit from me, and she's already getting a quarter of a medium pizza from me even after taking my cookies, so I shouldn't care.

I sighed to myself, not believing in the decision I was about to make. I don't know why I made this decision, but I did. "I'll just take the medium then, thanks."

It was all just for the magic, right?

He asked for the amount it cost and I handed it to him, he gave me back my change and now I had $3.50. "How long will it take?" I asked.

"Twenty minutes sir."

"Alright, I'll be at the grocery store across the street and buy some stuff before coming back here."

"Alright, I'll see you later then."

"Yeah, yeah, fuck off," I said back as I exited the restaurant with a frown and my hands in my pockets. I stopped at the sidewalk in front of the restaurant, waiting for a car to pass before I crossed to get to Whole Foods. As I crossed and entered the store, I thought to myself. The three were oddly not rampaging within my bag or moving at all for some reason. I would have to bring them out and tell them to get over me eating meat or something, I can't have them commit suicide when I need their powers... except for the Hillbilly, she can die all she wants.

I had found the fruit area and started to look for apples for the useless Hillbilly. I looked around for any signs of apples, finding them after a minute. I read the price and saw that I could take two and still have a bit of change left, so I took two and started to make my way towards the front. However, when I got to the front I couldn't get to the front to pay for these things.

I really wasn't expecting to find three men wearing ski masks robbing this place.

I quickly but quietly hid in one of the big aisles before they saw me. I peeked around the corner to stare at them and I saw one pointing a pistol at a gathered crowd, shouting at them and telling them to stay back or he would stupidly shoot. One of his buddies, who was taking cash out of the register with the last one, came by his side and shouted at the crowd to get to the back and stay quiet.

With all of the shoppers, except me, I guess, at the back of the store, these assholes were free to do whatever they wanted. And right now they were wasting my time!

I decided to wait here and make moves cautiously. They had guns. I didn't.

I sat there in the aisle quietly for about fifteen minutes. All I heard during that time was the sounds of their theft. But finally, I heard some sirens from outside, about a dozen of them. I heard some chatter from the thieves, followed by the police yelling through a megaphone.

"We've got hostages!" One of them yelled. "Back away or they're dead."

I sighed and whispered to myself. "Not on my watch, asshole. I still have to pay for these apples." I sneakily made my way over to the back of the store, the area I last saw them take the other people. If I took the hostages away from them, then the police would have no trouble getting in and taking these fags out. I needed to hurry because our- my pizza that I bought would be done soon and I don't want it to get cold.

The back of the store held the bakery shop with a door to the left of it. I walked quickly over to the door - of course, I took some frozen apple pie for later and stuffed it in my bag, the hillbilly might chill out then - and tried to open it. Of course, it was locked. I put my ear to the door and heard some overdramtic cries from the average woman, about two kids crying, and a man that sounded like a little bitch crying in a higher pitch than the average woman.

I tried to open the door again foolishly but it was still locked. "God, damn it! Open you stupid door!" I thought about trying to use Dildo's magic to open the door, but it wasn't really the right thing, I thought. Sure, it lifted stuff pretty cool, but it wasn't really anything powerful to force open a door. I was about to walk away and ditch these people before something happened, fast. I saw a yellow blur, the Hillbilly, come out of my backpack and kick, fucking kick, the door open, quickly getting back into my bag before the people could see her. All they saw was a hint of movement in my bag when the door got kicked open. They all looked at me with confusion.

I was confused and shocked as well. How did someone her size kick the door open? Let alone be fast enough to do it without being seen.

I quickly composed myself when I noticed the people that were locked inside were all staring at me. "Uh- come on people, hurry the fuck up! Run! Run!" I signaled with my arm to get the fuck out of there.

They quickly picked up their kids and things and ran out of the room while I held the door open. "But stay quiet they're still at the front." I then saw something that surprised me a bit. Annie Nelson and her mom was with the people who got trapped. She looked at me wearily when she passed and I ignored it.

"So you're putting us in danger?!" A man glared at me when we all sat low in one of the aisles.

"I'm saving your life you assholes so shut up and listen to what I say!"

The man scoffed. "Are we really going to trust a little fat kid."

I almost got up and strangled him to death, almost. "Sir! I am big boned, and I just fucking got you out of a hostage situation!"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"The police arrived but don't know that you're free. They won't engage on these fuckers until they know for sure."

"So then we have to let them know."

"Congrats, you figured out my master plan, smartass." I sarcastically said as I clapped.

"Yes, but how are we going to get past them? We'll be seen at the exits."

I peeked around the aisle and looked at the thieves. "I'm going to distract them, and while I do get the hell out!" I didn't give him or any of them time to reply as I hurriedly took myself there.

"Wait! Are you crazy?" Now the man was worried? God, I hate human emotions.

I ignored that stupid asshole and kept heading towards the thieves. They noticed me when I was not too far from them, and I could tell they weren't happy. I would have to go through this very carefully if I wanted to live. "Sup dudes," I said to them as I walked up and leaned on the front conveyor belt.

"Who the hell are you?" One of them spat at me.

"Oh, no one important," I looked at the back of my hand. "I just came to tell you that someone was talking a lot of shit in the back and they were annoying the hell out of me so I came to tell you so you could shut them up for me."

"...What?"

"It's true. He said something about you being pussies bringing guns instead of fists? I don't know, but it will stop both of our problems if you could show them who's boss."

They all stared at each other for a second, before glaring at me. "Where is this fucker?" One of the other guys said.

I pointed to their right, "The pussy is hiding in the fruit area." I furrowed my brows at them. "Tell them Kahl Marsh sent you."

"We'll show him who's the pussy." The guy cracked his knuckles and they started to make their way towards 'him'. I sneaked a glance behind me to see everyone, including Annie, who was smiling at me, run out of one of the fire exits. I glared at her, basically telling her that I didn't do this for her, before turning back and following the robbers. Those assholes aren't getting out of my sight.

I caught up with them and smirked.

"Where is this pussy?" One of them asked me when he noticed me there.

"Oh, he's coming. Mostly likely with his squad." I told him.

They all looked at each other in confusion. Eventually, one of them asked, "What do you mean?" Then they noticed my smirk and got pissed. "You mother fucker!" They were about to reach forward and try to grab me when someone, a cop I presumed, threw a smoke grenade. I breifly panicked when one of them ran up to me and grabbed me, putting a gun to my head.

"Back off or the kid dies!" He yelled.

"Hey! Put me down asshole!"

The smoke cleared after 10 seconds, and I saw that the police had the other two guys pinned on the floor.

"Now just stay... right there... while I walk out with this money..." The guy who held the gun said crazily.

"How much did you even take? A hundred bucks?"

"Shut up before I shoot your brains out! ...I got a hundred and ten out of the share."

The guy walked with me while eying the police. I had to admit I was a bit scared, these crazy guys were never predictable. We both walked out one of the fire exits and out to the streets, soon he picked me up and started to sprint to one of the grassy parks nearby.

"Alright, you got away, now let me go." I said a little too sternly at a guy with a gun.

He put me down and glared. "I should kill you right now because you screwed this up!" He yelled, before taking a glance at my bag and smiling. "What's in the bag kid?"

I stuttered. "OH! Uh, nothing. Just my schewl stuff."

"You're not at school dumbass. Now give me the bag!"

I didn't know why he wanted my backpack so much, but he had a gun so I had no choice but to give it to him. I raised my hands to show him I didn't want a fight.

Then something really bad happened.

I don't know why the fuck they decided to go wild in there, but the bag started to shake in his grip.

"What the fuck? Do you have a pet in here?"

"Uh, yeah. So could you please give my backpack back to me?" I asked nicely.

He laughed, the fucker just fucking laughed at me. "After you just screwed me? I think I'll have a little fun and just ruin your life right here." He then aimed the gun at the bag.

I shouldn't have cared. Sure, I would lose their magic, possibly never have opportunities to take stuff like Wendy's diary again, but I would live. But now, for some reason, when the thought of them getting killed - let alone hurt - came into my mind my heart raced like that one time Kahl almost died at the Pentagon. I was about to let him go through with it, when I thought about them, the way they looked at me when I told them about eating meat, the way they were so confused and innocent with all the other stuff they saw.

I glared and ran up to punch the guy in the balls, my last resort of defense. He dropped my backpack, which I caught midair, and fell to his knees. I ran up and quickly took the gun, aiming it at him. I was about to shoot, maybe more than twice, when the thought of the three in my bag came to my mind again. I sighed, were they really making me change the way I think...

I heard shouts coming from behind me, and soon the police caught up.

They noticed the gun in my hand and the way that guy was holding his crotch. "Hey, nice work kid!' One of them said.

As they started to restrain that asshole, one of the cops knelt down to me and said, "We had the cameras checked. You did good young man, and you will be rewarded."

I turned to him and said. "The only reward I need is to get my pizza and eat it with my friends." I handed him the gun and started to walk back towards the pizza shop. Technically I stole these apples, but I did stop their store from getting fucking robbed.

I sighed because this wasn't me at all. But then I smiled. It felt nice to care for someone other than your mother.

Author's Note

Please bare with me, I do not believe my writing comedy is the best out there.

Eating Lunch With Three Small Ponies

I stepped into the pizza restaurant with my backpack on tight. The Indian guy at the front wasn't there at the moment so I went to a table near the front and sat down to wait. I pulled out my phone and went on Twitter to see more of Wendy's stupid tweets. I replied to one of them to piss her off, just a simple 'LOL' or 'ROFL' in all caps will make her mad at this point, she's not focused because she's really nervous and scared about her secrets getting leaked out to the public. I know these things.

After some scrolling through Twitter, I heard some jingling and the sound of steps coming from the front. I didn't look up and away from my phone because I thought it wouldn't relate to me. I thought wrong.

The person tapped me on my shoulder so I looked away from my phone to see Annie Nelson. "Um, hey," I said.

"Hi." She said without hate or kindness.

"What do you want?" I spat. I really wanted to just get my pizza and get out of here.

"Well... I just wanted to come and say thanks for saving me and my mom in the grocery store. I don't know if we would have gotten hurt but it was really scary and anything could have happened, so thanks." She smiled at me.

"Uh, yeah sure, you're welcome." I turned back to my phone. "Now leave me alone please."

Annie tilted a bit, trying to look at me in the eyes. "Why aren't you at school anyways?"

"It's gym class and I have important stuff to do at home," I told her.

"Oh, right. You're not really the fitness type of guy."

"No, I just didn't want to show off my hot body." She gave me a deadpan stare. "Anyways, I should ask you the same question."

"I was at a doctor's appointment and we went shopping after I was done." She told me.

"I see."

She stood there silently until... "So... what are you doing after you get your pizza?" She was asking too many god damn questions now. I just wanted her gone.

"Can you just fuck off already?!" I snapped at her, turning my head to give her a glare. It was more of a demand than a question.

She flinched and rolled her eyes into a glare right after. "Okay, fine! I don't know how you even have friends if you can't have a single friendly conversation!"

I watched her storm out and leave in anger. Not caring enough, I turned back to my phone and waited for my pizza.

I entered my house with the medium pizza box in my arms.

My mom wasn't home. That was good, the three could eat in my room.

I went to the kitchen and placed the pizza box on the counter, then taking off my gloves and tossing them on the counter. I then went to the bathroom and washed my hands, pouring out four glasses of pop afterwards.

I went upstairs with my backpack on and two glasses full of pop in my hands. I put the two glasses on my computer desk and placed my bag on the floor. I quickly went down and upstairs bringing the other two glasses and the box of pizza right after.

Before I brought the three out to eat, I thought about it for a second and decided to get a paper towel roll and wrap my slices with meat on it to hide it. They probably won't want to eat if they saw it, and I was sure as hell not going to let them waste my money. I hid my slices wrapped with paper towel in my nightstand - it shouldn't get found in there - and walked over to my bag and slowly opened it.

As expected, they didn't pop out.

I spoke softly. "Hey, you guys want to come out? We're in my room. No one will see you." No response. "Please? I have the pizza and you don't want to waste the food and my money do you?" I waited a bit, and eventually, they came out one by one. The Orange Dumbass had a slightly angry face, Dildo Belle had a frightened one, and the Hillbilly looked like she was in deep thought. I didn't question it.

We all sat in the middle of the room in silence. I put down the pizza box and opened it, revealing six slices, three-quarters of the pizza.

I noticed that they noticed that a quarter was missing because they looked at me questionably. I didn't give any answer or explanation so they just took their slices with their hooves. Well... Dildo Belle and Orange Dumbass did. The HIllbilly sat there looking disapointed.

That's when I remembered that the Hillbilly wanted apples on hers. I still think it's fucking weird as hell.

I remember putting two in my pocket at the grocery store before I dealt with the robbers. I took them out and was about to get up when the Hillybilly noticed them in my hand and quickly stood up happily too try and grab one from me with her mouth.

I quickly drew the apple away and said, "I have to wash it, dumbass."

"Huh?" The Orange Dumbass perked up.

"Not you," I said before I stood up. "I'll go wash and cut these. Just wait here quietly and for god's sake don't look out the window." I walked out of the room and went downstairs. I entered the kitchen and got a stool to stand on. I washed two apples and dried them off with a paper towel. I then went over and opened a drawer to pull out a knife to cut them to smaller slices. I went over to the kitchen table and started to cut the two apples.

Apple Bloom's POV

I thought long and hard about it, and I think I finally came to an understanding of Eric's choice of food. I was disgusted at first, thinking about some of our pigs on our farm back home in Equestria, or even at Fluttershy's place with all of her animals. I didn't seem right to me.

But was it really wrong?

We were taught at school about the food chain and how some animals had to eat meat in order to survive. The whole class hated that lesson, half of which vomited several times on the floor when there were pictures shown. I thought how maybe Eric had to eat meat to live. It's not like he entertains himself from killing and eating animals, right? He eats it to stay alive and healthy, like how Granny tells me to eat my fruits and vegetables to stay healthy.

Me, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo sat in the middle of Eric's room silently. They told me that they would wait for Eric to finish cutting the apples so he could put it on my slices and we could all eat together. Sweetie looked disturbed, Scootaloo looked a bit angry, and I just sat there in thought. I really didn't want them to stay like that every time they looked or thought of Eric, so I had to tell them my opinion on this.

"Hey, y'all...?" I began to ask them.

"Ah, shit!" We all heard Eric shout from downstairs. It didn't sound like anger like he usually did when he said those funny words. Instead, it sounded like he was in pain.

We all looked at each other with worried faces.

"Should we... go see what's wrong?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Eric told us to stay up here so no one could see us," Scootaloo explained.

I slowly walked up to his bedroom door and peeked into the hallway. "Well, there isn't anyone else in his house, right? So we should be safe as long as we can't be seen through a window."

"Then let's hurry!" Scootaloo said.

We carefully and quietly entered and walked through the hall. We went down the stairs and I started to hear Eric hissing and grunting. The three of us peeked around the corner into the kitchen to find...

I can't believe I couldn't fucking cut the apple properly. God, sometimes I could be such a dumbass, but don't tell the Jew I said that.

My right pointing finger was bleeding. A lot.

I squeezed where I cut myself, trying to keep the blood inside. I didn't know if it was working or not, I'm not a fucking doctor.

Thankfully, none of my blood went on any of the apples. It was close though, and it would be weird if I had the Hillbilly drink my blood. It kinda goes against the whole vegetarian thing.

"Holy, moly! Eric, are you alright?" The Hillbilly exclaimed as she ran up to me with worry.

I was in too much pain to yell at them from exiting my room. "Do I look alright you little shit?! Ah!" I winced and held my finger tightly.

"We need to get ya patched up. Where's your first aid kit?"

"My mom keeps it in the bathroom." I answered her.

The Hillbilly turned to her two friends with a frown who were still peeking out from behind the entrance to the kitchen. "Y'all go and get the first aid kit. I'll watch over Eric."

"I'm fine!" I told her. "It just hurts."

"If we leave the cut open you'll bleed more and it could get infected."

"...If I get sick I could miss Schewl."

"Just get the first aid kit you two." She yelled at them in annoyance when she noticed them still standing at the entrance to the kitchen.

Five minutes later and we were at the kitchen table with the Hillbilly bandaging my finger carefully. I winced when she used her teeth to tie a little knot. She smiled in delight when she was finished and said, "There we go. All fixed! Applejack sure knows how to teach."

"Uh... thanks." I said, slightly thankful for all her trouble.

"Um, what exactly happened." She asked me.

"I was trying to cut your apples and I cut myself," I answered her in frustration towards myself.

"I thought so..." She scratched her head. "You should be more careful."

I glared at her. "Thanks." I said sarcastically.

She cringed at my expression and backed off a bit.

"Anyways," I began to speak. "Your apples are still clean and cut. Here." I showed her the plastic bag filled with apple slices. "There's plenty, you can put them on your pizza and eat now."

She took the bag with her teeth with a wide smile on her face. "Thank you so much, Eric!" She said through her clenched teeth on the plastic bag. She then came closer towards me and nuzzled my chest in appreciation. If it wasn't for my injuries, I would have shoved her off... maybe. But even I had to admit, it was a little cute.

"You're welcome. Now get away from me and go eat your slice upstairs."

She winked at me and started to walk over to her friends but stopped mid-way. "Will you be joining us?" She said, again through her clenched teeth.

I stared at her with confusion. "Why?"

"Well, you did buy us this pizza. It would be rude to eat it without you."

"I... have other stuff to do..."

"Please? I want to have a talk with you and the other two."

Before I could say no again, she turned her whole body to me and gave me some god damn puppy eyes. That shit doesn't work on m-

"Pleeeease?"

I was stunned for a couple of seconds before I yelled out. "Okay, fine!"

"Yes!" She along with her two friends, who looked nervously at me for a second before following her, went back upstairs to eat. I followed after washing up and cleaning where I was cutting the apples.

I went upstairs and over to my bedroom door and opened it, stepping inside my room. I found the three standing in front of my desk and staring at my computer.

"Eric, what's this?" Dildo Belle asked me when they noticed I entered the room.

"That's my computer. Don't you have those where you're from?"

They shook their heads and went over to where the pizza box was. They opened it and the slices were still warm surprisingly.

"So, Hillbilly?"

"Yeah?" She didn't look up from putting her apple slices on her pizza slices.

"You wanted to talk about something?" I asked.

"Yeah, I... I just wanted you to know that I understand that you have to eat meat."

"Huh?" I was confused. This came out of nowhere.

"Well, I was thinking about back home and how some animals needed to eat meat to survive. You need meat to survive, right?"

"Well... I guess, yeah."

She gave me a smile. "Then I understand Eric. And I hope Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo will understand that you'll die if you don't do what you have to do." She looked over to her friends who were looking shocked.

"You're right Hillbilly," I smirked at her. "Sometimes you have to do what you gotta do to survive." I licked my lips.

She visibly gulped when she noticed the look on my face. "Uh... Eric?" The Hillbilly backed off a bit in nervousness.

"How does a triple pony burger sound to you all?" Before they started to scream I dropped the act and smiled. "Just kidding." While I burst out in laughter they blew sighs of relief. "I have a pet cat. I would never eat Mr. Kitty even if it killed me." I chuckled at the end.

"I... I'm sorry for giving you the cold shoulder Eric." Dildo Belle said. "Could you ever forgive us?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry too. I wouldn't want you to purposely starve yourself just because of our opinion." The Orange Dumbass said.

"Yeah, yeah, just don't do the puppy eye shit the Hillbilly was pulling off." I turned away, crossed my arms and rolled my eyes.

The two relaxed a bit as if they were about to actually try to pull over two sets of puppy eyes on me.

"By the way," I turned back to them without uncrossing my arms. "Hillbilly, what the fuck was that shit you pulled at Whole Foods?"

"What?"

"When you came out of my backpack and kicked the door open. Not only am I surprised that you did it so fast that none of them saw you but how in the hell did you kick a door open nearly four times your size?"

"Oh. Why because I'm an Earth Pony of course."

"An Earth Pony?"

"Yeah," The orange dumbass started. "Pegasi have wings." She fluttered hers.

"Unicorns have magical horns." Dildo Belle sparked her own horn.

"And us Earth Ponies have more natural strength. And it helps that I buck apple trees for most of the day so the apples fall."

Maybe the Hillbilly wasn't useless after all. Super strength is pretty nice to have. "I see..." I noticed my glass of pop still on my desk and was about to go over and take a sip, but before I knew it I was getting hugged by three little ponies.

I was about to lash at them and throw them off of me, but then I saw their happy smiles and thought of their apology and guilt. I smiled. There was this warm feeling in my chest I never felt before as they hugged me. It was like when my mom lovingly hugs me when I really need it, but a bit different. They all looked so adorable nuzzling my chest with-

...Ah fuck, was I really loving this affection right now?