Gilda Versus Knitting

by PotatoJoe

Rating: teen
Tags: Gilda, Derpy Hooves, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, Owlowiscious, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Trixie, Sex, Comedy
Length: 25249

Half Lion! Half Eagle! Complete Jerk!

Gilda hates her life.

Gilda needs gloves.

Ponies don't wear gloves.

Looks like somebirdy needs to learn how to knit.

Also, Trixie and Diamond Dogs.

Published 2011-11-30 05:02:15 UTC
Last updated 2012-01-31 19:06:41 UTC

This Chapter is the Start

It was dawn.

Gilda had few positive traits. She admitted that freely. But one she had firmly was that she woke early - a trait she’d nursed since the counselors poured icey water on her for sleeping in at Junior Speedsters Camp.

If it was dawn, there were several certainties. Gilda slowly stood up and stretched, tossing her blanket back onto her small bedding and pacing around her cave for a few moments. She extended her wings a few times, feeling the blood pour back in and the feathers ruffle. At the same time, she started predicting the certain events.

Idiots in three....two...one....

Strolling into the main cavern of the cliffside cave complex she lived in she saw three canine forms running up the stairs from their far-more-subterranean home. Rover, the leader of the Diamond Dogs, skidded to a halt as he saw her. Fido, the large one, didn’t notice in time and went barreling over Rover, who in turn knocked over the diminuitive spot. They tumbled and twirled across the cavern - Gilda had long since removed the kitchenette, sofa, fridge, and lamp from their normal path of destruction - until they struck the far wall in unison, their heads connecting first and sounding like a trio of coconuts.

Heh, that sound. she thought, smirking despite herself. Slapstick wasn’t her genre, but the Diamond Dogs annoyed her enough that seeing them hurt was always fun. However, the sound they made would inevitablly bring -

“ The Great And Powerful Trixie demands you keep it quiet down there!” shouted a pissy ponies voice from the cave above. The ledge above the living area housed the door to her grotto, but she had emerged, wearing a ruffled sleeping cape and blinders.

Gilda had asked why she slept in blinders once - she knew most ponies didn’t like blinders unless they were into some serious bridle action. Trixie had answered in her most grandiose - and normal - of tones that she absolutely couldn’t sleep without a light on, but any light kept her awake.

That had been the last time that Gilda had tried figuring the pony out.

“ Shut up!” rasped Rover, getting to his feet. “ You make more noise then we do!”

“ Hello beer.” said Gilda, having walked over to the kitchenette and opened the fridge. She withdrew a can of the local brew - she wasn’t going to drink any mass-produced slop, so she always went to microbreweries, even if that meant she had to deal with those ridiculous Apple ponies - and a half-eaten squirrel, her dinner from last night. “ How are you this morning, beer?” she asked, setting the squirrel down on the table and opening the can.

Answer - the beer was wet and alcoholic, all she needed to know.

“ Eew!” screeched Rover, noting the squirrel. “ Use a plate!”

“....it’s my table.” said Gilda flatly, taking another sip and staring the dog down.

“....but thats gross.” said the deep voice of Fido, taking his flanking-position on the right of Rover.

“ And unsanitary!” chimed in Spot, who’d taken his spot on the left.

Gilda just took another sip of her beer. Life in the Everfree Forest had become predictable ever since she’d rented out parts of her cave to these losers. But, the morning was just not complete yet. The Diamond Dogs were bitching about her table-manners, Trixie was bitching about the Diamond Dogs, and now, Gilda braced herself for the biggest bitch of all.

“ Gooooood morning neighbors~!” came a singsong voice as a familiar purple serpent snaked in, his moustache in curlers and holding a plate of still-steaming-yet-moss-covered muffins. “ And how are you all doing today, dears?”

Steven Magnet, their gay neighbor dragon, had the second-worst concept of personal space in the world. The second worst morning breath. And the second worst cheery morning personality.

“ Could be better.” said Gilda, accepting one of his daily breakfast items as the serpent cackled and prattled, chatting away with Diamond Dogs and Trixie. He got along with them famously - He’s seen a few loose rubies in the river near the big bend that morning and kept Trixie abreast of the latest developments on herb-growth along the riverside. The cavern was filled with the three idiots - the Diamond Dogs together formed about one functioning brain, so she rounded them together - talking. And talking. And talking. And talking.

Gilda collapsed face first into her squirrel.

“ I need a life.” she moaned, unheard by existence.

A quick bath and preening later Gilda was soaring over the Everfree forest. She caught an updraft and used it to coast as she passed over the ruins of old Canterlot and patches of poison joke.

Fanning her wings wide - it’d look badass if someone below her looked up - Gilda set to thinking. She needed a life. That was a big thing - and previous attempts to build social activity had failed. Primarily the Rainbow Dash incident, which she was still pissed over, but other attempts had crashed and burned. As she considered what angle to take this time, she kneaded her paws - they were growing cold.

She then hit a near-invisible wall of freezing gale, requiring several seconds of squawking and furious, dorky flapping to recover. Oh, yeah, winter starts in a week. she thought to herself, diverting her path lower. She saw a pair of pegasi on a distant cloud, looking over a map and arguing over something. They were likely moving the cold air somewhere so they could have the first snow of the season and cold winds available at the drop of a hat.

Running a clawed paw over her headfeathers, she decided she could use a hat. She’d been warm enough last year, but she’d preened her feathers shorter this year. A little extra heat wouldn’t be amiss - and while she was at it, gloves. Glancing at her paw she saw the skin was getting a little chapped by the cold - and her claws were her life. She could eat birdseed, but she only did that when socializing with ponies. She was a carnivore and one of the Everfree Forests apex predators and proud of it.

But where in the forest could she get a hat and gloves?

The answer - nowhere. There was a solution, though. Ponyville. It was a decent flight away from where she was, but that wasn’t what was keeping her. Gilda did not like the little town - Manehattan was much farther and was a lot more urbane, but she perfered the trip and discomfort over awkwardness. She hadn’t made herself a likeable griffon while in Ponyville on her one visit.

But, it would be stupid to go all the way to Manehattan for gloves and a hat.

Steeling herself, Gilda set her course for Ponyville.

The little earth pony town pissed Gilda off the moment she saw it. The small little buildings, the quaint little shops, the TREE LIBRARY. It was like a storybook and within sight of Canterlot - she was almost sure it was some sort of model village the Princess played with like a cub with toys. But, it was her destination. Spying the landing strip at the edge of town, she chose to buzz it and ruffle the flight-coordination pegasus before zooming into town.

Landing on all fours, she slowly drew her wings back in and looked around. There were a number of surprised looking ponies around - as well as three impressed looking fillies - but nobody, scratch that, nopony she knew.

“ Hey, where’s the clothes store?” she asked, trying to keep it civil yet sound aloof.

“ Oh! Oh!” one of the little fillies, a white unicorn, ran up. “ I know! I know! My sister runs it!”

“.......and where is it?” asked Gilda, letting out a sigh and flicking her tail impatiently.

“ I-I’ll lead you!” said the filly, growing excited. Gilda followed after the charing foal at a medium-brisk pace - the little pony was running for all she was worth, but her stubby little legs just didn’t carry her very far. The walk though town was awkward - gawking ponies of every variety watched and the fillies friends followed on a scooter - but Gilda shook it off. Her coolness might have been taking a hit, but she was here for a reason.

“ Here it is! The Carousel Boutique!” said the little filly, prancing about infront of the business. Gilda’s brow raised as she looked at the frilly looking store. She’d heard of it before, though she couldn’t remember from where. It was supposed to be one of the best clothing stores in the region, though.

“ Thanks.” said Gilda, walking past the foolish foal.

“ An’ tell Rarity that Sweetie Bell brought you here!”

Gilda froze as the filly rejoined her friends and scooted off. Now she knew exactly how she knew of the store - Rainbow Dash had told her about it. Rarity was one of her close friends - one of the ones that Gilda hadn’t gotten the chance to meet at that accursed party - but she’d undoubtably be as sore with Gilda as Dash was - pony mares tended to have a great deal of loyalty to their friends.

Bracing herself, Gilda drew her small purse out from the fold in her feathers she kept it in and gave it a shake. She could hear her bits jingle - bits were a universal language that bypassed all social barriers. And, renting out room to four tenants, she collected quite a few.

She could do this. She just had to seem affluent and the mare would forget all about Rainbow Dash.

“ Hello?” she asked, pushing her way inside the shop. Inside the air turned to perfumes and incenses. The shop was covered in pony mannequins with partially completed dresses and suits, stacks of well-organized hatboxes and rolls of pristine fabric stood like proud soldiers. As she shut the door, a bell above it jingles.

“ Oh, welcome!” said a voice from the next room. A unicorn - a older copy of Sweetie Bell, really - walked in, levitating a roll of ribbon and pair of glasses with her. “ Welcome to the Carousel Boutique!”

“ Uh, hi.” said Gilda.

“ Oh, a griffon!” said Rarity, avoiding gawking at her like other ponies but still seeming to light up at the exoticness. “ We don’t get too many of you in town! What can I do for you?”

“ I was hoping to buy some gloves.”

The unicorn blinked and stared at Gilda for several seconds.

“ I-I’m sorry, what is a glove?” asked the unicorn gingerly, setting down her things and walking over. She gestured to several floor-pillows, offering GIlda a seat.

“ You know, things to keep your paws - dangit.” Gilda stopped and but a paw over her face to hide the slight blush. “ Sorry, I forgot. Ponies have hooves.”

“....oh!” Rarities eyes lit up as she realized what Gilda was talking about. “ Oh, things to cover your claws when it gets cold! I’ve read about them in a fashion magazine - apparently a griffon designer in Manehattan included them in a show, but I’ve never even seen one myself!”

Perfect. thought Gilda, rolling her eyes. “ I guess I’ll go to Manehattan, then.”

“...I’m sorry, sir, but you won’t be able to pick up clothing for a fashion show very easily.” said Rarity with an apologetic smile, apparently missing the bloodshot eyes that Gilda got at being called “sir”. “ But, I could certaintly try to make a set!”

“....thanks, dude.” said Gilda with a scowl, striking back across the gender barrier. Rarity gave a smile and pranced towards a worktable, taking no notice of the slight. But then, she did say "dude" a lot - the pony might have just thought all griffons talked that way. They might think griffons just talk like that.

Putting it out of her mind, she allowed Rarity to measure her claws and play with them a little. It tickled when the unicorn’s magic touched her claws, but Gilda repressed the laugh. Rarity was at first confused, then enraptured by the movements of Gilda’s fingers. She’d wanted to see fists and pinkie extentions, feel the movements of muscles in the thumb and palm, and had gasped in amazement as Gilda did what no pony could ever do and turned her wrist.

Gilda had at first thought Rarity was being playful, but soon realized she was taking careful measurements and making many notes. It eventually came to an end as Rarity scratched something on a piece of parchament.

“ And all you needed today was one set of gloves?” asked Rarity, smiling at Gilda. That look made Gilda uneasy - it was either the greedy merchants smirk or the smile of a prankster about to finish something epic.

“ Uh, I kinda wanted a winter hat too. Maybe a scarf.”

“....sounds to me like you should consider learning how to knit!” said Rarity with a cocked eyebrow. “ I’m not one to kill a sale, but you could save yourself quite a few bits making them yourself.”

“ Uh, never tried anything like that.” said Gilda awkwardly.

“ Oh, but my apologies!” said Rarity, here face screwing up in horror. “ I’m sorry, I should have realized that you can’t knit with a beak!”

Gilda blinked and stared at Rarity for several seconds.

“....why would I use my beak?” asked Gilda, confused. She then remembered Junior Flyers Camp - when Dash had to write something, she had to hold the pen in her mouth. Unicorns could levitate things, but earth ponies and pegasus needed to use their mouths. “ Oh, I get it. Uh, I could just use my paws.”

“....you could?” said Rarity, sounding doubtful as she looked at the taloned fingers. “ I’m not sure you’d have the dexterity needed to-”

“ Thats it.” said Gilda, growing frustrated. “ I’ve shown ponies before - anything you can do by hoof, mouth, and magic I can do easier with my paws - knitting included. Just sell me the yarn and....whatever other stuff I need..”

“....I have a better idea than just selling you supplies..” said Rarity, tossing her mane and looking thoughtful. “ I happen to know that the local library is going to start a class on the basics of knitting in a few days. It wouldn’t cost much and they’ll be able to teach you how to do it properly.”

“....fine.” said Gilda, calming herself back down.

“ But you will need supplies and I do sell those!” said Rarity with a smile. “ Tell me, sir, what colors of yarns would you like?”

“....purple.” said Gilda, tapping her claws to one of the carefully-died ends of her headfeathers. “ And i’m a chick.”

“....a....what?”

“ A mare.” sighed Gilda.

Twenty minutes later Gilda let the store, the still embarrassed Rarity stammering apologies. Gilda took off, her purse stored in the bag of knitting supplies. Rarity had given her a discount on the yarn, so Gilda had also picked up blood-red and Nightmare black, her favorite colors after purple. As she soared away from Ponyville, she wasn’t sure if the day had gone like she wanted - after all, she’d wanted clothes, not the things to make clothes.

But she didn’t have anything else to do for the rest of her life, so a short little hobby couldn’t hurt.

=============

“ And I was so embarrassed!” said a distraught Rarity, nearly sobbing into her salad. She, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy had met for dinner, the perfect time for Rarity to vent. “ I’d been calling her ‘sir” over and over - ooh, I’m sure she’ll never come back. I hate to lose customers over something so simple!”

“ H-how do you tell the difference?” asked Fluttershy, looking to Rainbow Dash. “ You’ve known a few griffons, right?”

“ Heh, yeah.” said Rainbow Dash awkwardly. “ Well, first thing, check the flank - “

Fluttershy blushed immediatly.

“ That’ll pretty much tell ya.” said Rainbow Dash with an awkward chuckle. “ But after that, griffon chicks - thats their term for mare - have smaller beaks and lighter builds. Uh, but if you don’t have others to compare...well, check the dye-color.”

“ Oh, the color of the dye on their feathers means something?” asked Rarity, growing interested.

“ Yeah - it’s kinda a fashion thing with them.” explained Rainbow Dash. “ Purple, pink, yellow, the kind of colors you’d see in a flower - thats a chick. Red, black, blue, thats a cock - “

Fluttershy eeped, losing a bite of hayfries.

“ -which is their term for stallion.” said Rainbow Dash, chuckling nervously. “ Heh, kinda awkward, right?”

“....A bit.” said Rarity, swirling her drink magically before taking a sip. “ So, she’ll be attending Twilight’s knitting class. I should go and apologize.”

“ It wasn’t Gilda, was it?” asked Rainbow Dash gingerly. “ I mean, if it was, thats...uh...not a huge problem, but-”

“ Please, dear.” said Rarity, rolling her eyes. “ I might have made a little mistake on the ‘inseam’, but I wouldn’t miss something like that. Gilda was a brute - this griffon was polite enough and mostly patient.”

“ Pffew.” said Rainbow Dash, sitting back and relaxing. “ I’m still pretty mad about the party, so I don’t want to see her.”

“...it was her.” said Fluttershy, unheard by the world.

My Big Angry Griffon

Waking up, Gilda groaned.

She’d slept randily, dreaming of Pegasi. That meant her wings would be sore for a few minutes - she tried to think of earth ponies to make sure they stayed nice and flaccid. She smacked her dry tongue in her mouth a few times as she blinked, the warmth of her covers still radiating outwards.

She needed to poop.

Getting up with a few popping joins she walked into the main cave, heading for the bathroom. She heard the scampering of paws and smelled the distant smell of baked goods.

She predicted it down to a second.

The Diamond Dogs smashed though the cavern, biting each other and arguing over nothing. Trixie emerged from her lair shouting and cursing everything that wasn’t herself. And Steven Magnet entered with eelgrass-covered scones.

But for once, it didn’t get her down.

As she hit the crapper she found herself in unusually high spirits. It was rather stupid - the only difference between today and any other day was that she was going to take a class. On knitting.

Why did it put her in a good mood?

Was she really that bored? Had her life become so rote that she could find heart-raising excitement in paw-crafting clothing?

Unfortunately, it looked like it.

As she washed her claws, she found herself humming softly. She walked back into the cavern, the song still sticking in her head. It was all too late she realized she’d started to sing a little and Steven Magnet had joined in.

And because of the damned magic of Equestria, whenever two creatures sang at once, a Musical Number started.

BACKUP SINGERS - My Big Angry Griffon, my Big Angry Griffon~

Ah ah ah ahhhhh~
GILDA - I never knew true misery~
BACKUP - My Big Angry Griffon!
GILDA - Until you losers all moved in with me!
DIAMOND DOGS - Why are we singing?
GILDA - I don’t really know.
TRIXIE - I thought only the main cast got songs in this show!
STEVEN MAGNET - Villains living together is no easy feat! But my beautiful self makes it all complete!
BACKUP - My Big Angry Griffon~
GILDA - I will kill every one of you if you mention this ever again.

There was a short awkward silence as the inhabitants of the cavern looked around, Gilda’s threat hanging in the air. She put on a decidedly epic scowl to prove she meant it.

“ So, how about those Wonderbolts?” asked Spot, looking up to Fido. The dogs began to argue in an instant as Trixie stormed off. Rolling her eyes, Gilda made her way to the fridge and rooted around, finally pulling out something she’d kept just in case she needed to forget a morning such as this.

“ Hello, sixty-four ounce mini-keg.” she crooned, picking up the canister in her arms and cradling it. She licked the tab like she was preparing to french-kiss it. “ I need you inside me now.”

================

It was mid-afternoon when a very cold Gilda landed in the center on Ponyville, right next to the infamous tree library.

Ruffling her feathers as she set down her bag of supplies, she held her forepaws up to her mouth and blew on her fingers. It had started to cool off surprisingly quick, which made her wonder if there had been some sort of accident with the cold front. The two pegasi she’d seen didn’t seem to be the most competent of weather controllers, but then Gilda was spoiled, having personally seen the work of -

Frowning, she put that pony out of her mind and turned to the library.

Gilda didn’t like libraries. They were not cool. They were as far as things got from cool. But, she’d taken a challenge - in foolish frustration, but she’d taken it - that she’d prove to that Rarity unicorn that she could do anything with her fingers a pony could do by mouth or magic.

Gilda sighed, as it wasn’t actually a challenge by the unicorn. It was more of her personal tendency to pick fights. She had to prove she was better than unicorns and earth ponies, half because of her pegaphilia and half because of her pride of her species. It was re-affirming what she thought of herself, regardless of what others actually thought.

But ponies-be-damned, she was right!

Heartened and focused, she stormed into the library with the bag of supplies slung over her shoulder, ready to rip the head off of the first pony that giggled. Maybe literally.

Inside the library it was blessedly warm. Several ponies were assembled in the meeting room - she recognized the big red draft from the Apple farm she occasionally bought booze from and that wonky mail-mare - and to her chagrin, the purple unicorn from the party she’d lost Dash at.

“ Hello! Rarity told me you’d be by.” said the unicorn, greeting Gilda. Choosing to not return the greeting, Gilda took the pillow closest to the fireplace and sat down grumpily, her good mood from the morning gone.

A orange earth mare fidgeted nervously next to her. A little of the good mood came back.

“ Well, this should be everyone.” said the unicorn, taking a spot at the head of the room. Gilda raised an eyebrow - most ponies would say “everypony” just as griffons would say “everybirdy”, but the unicorn had used a species neutral term. She was making an effort to include Gilda, one which was almost appreciated.

Almost.

“ So, introductions. I’m Twilight Sparkle and I’ll be teaching the class. We’ll meet two more times, the same day on the next two weeks. This will be a pretty informal class - if you want a more structured activity, I would suggest my class on the study theoretics in applied learning, which meets - “

Gilda gagged. The big red draft shot her a glare.

“ Well, I shouldn’t babble.” said Twilight Sparkle nervously. “ So, lets get started. Everyone get out your needles and your favorite color of yarn - we’ll just be using one color for now.”

Twilight launched into a lecture on terms and techniques immediately, combining the worst traits of the teachers Gilda had hated as a cub into one lesson. It was long, had a lot of vocabulary terms, and she was obviously enthusiastic about teaching. There were additional problems that slowly began to creep up - her demonstrations showed how to use ones mouth or magic to hold the needles, leaving Gilda to try and figure out the correct way to use her paws.

Gilda was pissed she hadn’t seen this coming.

It wasn’t like she should have been surprised. It was a pony class. They taught pony techniques. True, Gilda had picked up a little - she now knew her warf from weft - but when the class began to try the basics, she was all claws. She got tangled in the yarn and dropped the needles, managed to tear the few loops she completed, and soon was growing very frustrated.

In comparison, the big red draft had finished the first two exercises, a simple link bracelet and a small fabric square, and was now moving onto starting a scarf. The mail-mare was trying incorporating other colors. The carrot-colored mare was working on her third bracelet.

Gilda was just about to throw the needles away when Twilight trotted over.

“ Okay, so, looks like your having a little trouble.” said the unicorn in a gentle voice that just made Gilda want to punch her. “ So, um, lets stop - and see if we can save some of this yarn - “

Gilda scowled as the purple mess began to levitate and reball.

“ Alright, so, I think the problem your having is trying to use your paws.” said Twilight, focusing as she finished re-winding the yarn. She even repaired the tears. “ Have you tried using your beak?”

“ Won’t work.” muttered Gilda, stretching her neck a little.

“ Well, um, lets see, we’ve got some other options.” said Twilight, focusing. “ You could...um...wait, uh....”

“ I just need to figure out how to hold these stupid things.” muttered Gilda, trying to get Twilight to leave her alone. She was getting embarrassed as the others began to notice how much trouble she was having. “ It’s not like you can show me, so bug out.”

Twilight blinked.

“ Oh! I have an idea!” she said, face lighting up. She trotted to the hallway as Gilda sighed. She could feel her gall rising. “ Spike! Hey, Spike, get your tail down here!”

Gilda paused. Spike. She’d heard of somepony called Spike from Rainbow Dash. Gilda hadn’t paid much attention, so she didn’t know anything about him. But it wasn’t like it was a solution, was it? Spike was still a pony. He didn’t know how fingers worked - unless maybe he’d known a griffon? That was stretching it. Gilda sighed, preparing for another letdown and cursing the bits she’d spent on this stupid idea.

Then, to her surprise, a little dragon wearing a wool sweater with a diamond pattered entered, looking annoyed and sipping on steaming hot chocolate.

“ What?” he asked, looking to Twilight.

“ Uh, Spike, would you mind showing the griffon over there how you how you knit?”

“ Eeesh, fine.” said Spike with a grumble, walking over to Gilda. “ Hey. Sup.”

“ Sup.” said Gilda, eyeing the little lizard dubiously.

“ So, not gonna lie, these are worthless.” said the lizard calmly, taking the pair of needles and tossing them away.

Gilda sputtered.

“ W-what?” said Gilda, jumping up. “ You little cretin, I’m gonna - “

“ Follow me to the living room, where theres enough space.” said the dragon, not intimidated as Gilda, claws bared and wings flared, towered over him. He fished a marshmallow out of his drink. “ Grab your stuff and move your tail.”

As the little lizard walked out of the room, Gilda tried to kill him with pure hate.

==============

“ Okay, so here’s how this is gonna go down.” said the little dragon, hopping onto an overstuffed armchair. He and Gilda were now in a separate room, one which, bizarrely, had a fireplace on each wall. It was like an oven in here. Besides his chair was a basket full of blankets. “ I’m gonna teach you how to knit with claws in exchange for a little service.”

“.....don’t push your luck.” said Gilda, glaring at him. It was only the desire to not have wasted bits keeping him from being stuffed into his coco mug.

“ See, I’m a simple dragon.” said Spike, putting down the mug on the side table. “ I have my friends, my gems, and Twilight, and thats usually enough. But a dragon has needs. And some needs ponies just can’t help a guy out with. And you seem like the kind of lady that can help.” He clacked the claws on one paw together.

Gilda’s eyes narrowed.

“ Now, I’d like to keep this our little secret.” Spike looked to the door nervously, slipping off his sweater. “ I’m not embarrassed, mind you. A growing dragon just has desires, desires looked down upon in Equestrian company.”

“....let me get this straight.” said Gilda in monotone. “ You’re asking me to give you a pawjob in exchange for teaching me to knit?”

The little dragon blushed so hard his nose smoked.

“ A pawjob?!” he said in alarm, wincing as he realized how loud he’d been. He silenced for a moment, listening - but nopony seemed to have heard him. “ What kind of pervert are you? Ew, I don’t even want to think about that!”

“....thats what it sounded like you were asking for.” said Gilda, relieved. She’d have had to kill the little cretin if he’d actually been asking for that, and that would not have gone well - she would be the only suspect in his death and she’d heard dragon blood stained feathers.

“ No! I want you to make me a thing of meatloaf!”

Gilda blinked.

“....meatloaf.”

“ Well, I can’t exactly ask Twilight to make some, can I?” said Spike defensively, crossing his arms. Gilda saw his point - ponies were very uncomfortable around carnivores as it was. “ Thats why this has to stay so secret. I already make some of the townsponies nervous because of my fire breath - imagine if they knew I was a meat eater? I’d be the little hungry monster that played with their foals - and every time somepony was missing, they’d come right to me and demand I cough them up, like I’d eat a pony!”

“ Yeah, they taste awful.” said Gilda, rolling her eyes as the griffon granted.

“....uh....how..do you know that?” asked Spike, looking very nervous.

“ Nipped a pegasus a little too hard while wrestling once.” said Gilda with a growl. “ But thats none of your business. So, meatloaf. I’m the right kind of lady to make it, because I’m a lady. So I cook.”

“ Yeah, now you get it.”

“ .....letting that slide, do you have any meat?”

“ Three pounds ground beef, sitting in a secret location.” said Spike, hopping out of his chair and walking over to where Gilda stood. “ And I’ve got a kitchen where we can make it in.”

“....why don’t you do it yourself?” asked Gilda, looking at him quizzically. Spike gestured to a stepstool that was taller than he was. “ Ah, get it. So, you get dinner, then you teach me. That’s the deal?”

“ Thats the deal.” said Spike, reaching out a paw.

“ Fine.” grunted Gilda before spitting in her paw and shaking Spikes, making him flinch in disgust.

===========

“ This was not part of the deal.” said Gilda, scowling as she ripped the party hat off of her head.

“ Look, just bear with it.” said Spike, trying to shoo Pinkie Pie away from Gilda. “ Pinkie, come on. Don’t mess with her.”

“ I’m just trying to lighten the mood!” said Pinkie Pie, bouncing around the kitchen of her apartment, located above Sugarcube Corner. Gilda had protested greatly when she’d found out where they were to be making the meatloaf, but she’d shook and spat on it - griffons honor demanded she see it though.

Even if it meant putting up with the pony she hated most in the world.

Afterwards, she was gonna beat the crap out of that damned little dragon.

“ Well, um, don’t.” said Spike gingerly. He motioned for Gilda to start. “ We’re kinda, um, making something....special.”

“ Ooh! Is it an apology cake for Rainbow Dash?”

Gilda felt a vein rupture in her eye.

“....I guess not.” said Pinkie Pie, looking as Gilda flexed a talon at her menacingly.

“ I’m going to start now. Don’t get within three wings of me or I’m tossing you into the oven and setting it to high.” said Gilda, her tone dripping with venom. She turned and set to work, getting out the pans and utensils.

“ So, um, what kinda cake is it then?” asked Pinkie Pie, looking to Spike.

“ Um, well, it’s more of a ... loaf.”

“ Ooh, so it’s bread?” said Pinkie, looking focused. “ Okay, special bread. Let me think, what kind of - “

“ Um, Pinkie? You know that favor you owe me?” said Spike, sounding nervous. “ Not the one I called in to use your kitchen. You, um, know. The big one.”

Pinkie Pie went rigid.

“ Ooh.” she said, looking uncomfortable. “ Um, we aren’t going to discuss that in....front...of...”

Gilda was listening closely out of malice. She wanted to hear every ounce of suffering in that ponies voice, even if only lasted moments....

“ We aren’t.” said Spike, and to Gilda’s disappointment Pinkie Pie relaxed. “ But I’m calling in the favor to get you to promise that you never, ever, never, ever, never, ever tell anypony what I’m having Gilda make.”

“ Deal!” said Pinkie Pie, too eagerly. “ Um, wait. It’s not, like, meat. Is it?”

“ You said deal! You promised!” said Spike in a panic. Pinkies eyes went wide. “ Come on! You promised, Pinkie! You go back, everypony finds out about the-”

“ Nope!” said Pinkie, covering his mouth and looking to Gilda in terror. “ Nope, its okay, murder somepony in my kitchen, ha ha! Ha! I’ll just...I’ll just get the .... body....bags...”

“ It’s ground beef.” said Gilda, holding up the package. “ Made from cow.”

This did not seem to comfort Pinkie a bit. Gilda liked that.

“ See, um, I kinda...need to eat meat.” said Spike awkwardly. “ Not very often, but, well, I do. I get most the proteins I need from rubies, but it’s like a pony not eating part of their diet. Its not healthy.”

“...ooooohhh....” moaned Pinkie, shying backwards from Gilda. “ T-try not to get any blood on the stove! A-and just put all the stuff you use in a box! You can have it!”

“ ‘kay.” said Gilda. She took the spoon she was using the mix the oats in and touched it to Pinkies microwave. “ Oops. You still want that?”

“ NOPE.”

Twenty minutes later, Gilda owned everything in Pinkies kitchen.

===============

“ Well, here you go.” said Gilda, setting down the steaming pan of meatloaf in front of Spike. His eyes sparkled with excitement - nearby, Pinkie Pie’s eyes sparkled with tears as she hid behind her sofa. “ Ketchup?”

“ Yes please!” said Spike, his excitement almost cute. For a moment as she fetched the sauce for him, she felt a mite motherly. She shushed that idea by imagining how much an egg would hurt coming out, a thought which usually put her off any maternal urge for a year or two. She gave him the bottle as Pinkie Pie began to whimper. “ Oh, man, look at this! It’s so greasy - oh, man, this is gonna be delicious!”

He uncapped the ketchup and blasted the meatloaf with it, rendering it not unlike a fresh kill. Forgoing utensils he launched himself at the meal, biting in viciously and tearing the meatloaf apart with great fervor. It was actually kind of fascinating to watch, from a technical standpoint that only another predator could admire. Despite his small mouth he had surprisingly long fangs and could open it very wide, almost like a snake unhinging its jaw. He worked in quick, small bites - but that made sense, as a full grown dragon would have trouble finding meals that didn’t end that quickly. His claws were forgotten, digging into the table as braces to counter the snapping force of his jaw.

Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie was vomiting so hard that Gilda expected to see blood.

“ Geez.” she said, dodging a little projectile splatter and shielding herself with a cookie sheet. “ It’s just a little meat.”

“ ITS MURDER!” cried Pinkie Pie before a fresh wave of half-digested cupcakes flowed from her. “ YOU MADE CUTE LITTLE SPIKY WIKEY INTO A MURDERER!”

“ Hey, it was his idea.” said Gilda with a shrug. Pinkie Pie dry heaved, struggling to breath. “ So, Spike, you really think she’s going to keep her promise?”

“ Um, yes.” said Spike, looking uneasy as he wiped splatter from his cheek. “ Um, Pinkie? So, here’s the plan. Tomorrow, come by the library and I’ll convince Twilight to cast a memory removal spell on you. You won’t remember, uh, anything.”

Pinkie just sobbed.

“ Hey, Spike, meet me out front.” said Gilda, pushing him towards the door. “ I’ve a little experience explaining this to ponies and it’s best if we do this alone.”

“....alright, fine.” said Spike, looking uneasy. He turned and walked to the door, gave another look to the shivering Pinkie, and then left.

“ Well, Pinkie Pie.” said Gilda, leaning over the earth mare, her tone vile and joyous. “ You’ve seen a bit tonight, haven’t you? Well guess what - it’ll get worse tonight. You’ll just dream about Spike, cutting you open and eating you. With ketchup. Maybe he’ll go after your friends too. Won’t that be a nightmare?”

Pinkie looked to Gilda with watery, terrified eyes.

“ But, you know, tomorrow when you get that memory spell, you won’t remember a thing, will you?” said Gilda, elbowing Pinkie in the rib. “ And that little monster will be walking around town. Playing with foals. Probably coming into your very home and talking with you like nothing ever happened. Just like he’s been doing for ages, right?”

Pinkie Pie’s face lit up in a wordless shriek.

“ See ya, loser!” cackled Gilda, racing off for the door. She grabbed the microwave and saw herself out.

==========

An hour later, as Gilda took to what was to be a long flight with a heavy load, fresh from a tutoring session with Spike, she spared a glance to Sugarcube Corner.

The building was burning as the shocked proprietors looked on and several royal guards hauled a pink earth mare away in a straight jacket. Her good mood from this morning returned a hundredfold.

“ My big angry griffon~” she hummed, fluttering off into the crisp night.

Knitting is Dextrous

Gilda could hear knocking.

Slowly sitting up, it took Gilda several seconds to realize it was too early. She checked her alarm clock and found, to her surprise, it was six in the morning.

She always woke up at six-thirty. Dawn.

Why was it before dawn?

The knocking returned. Swearing profusely as she stood, Gilda stumbled from towards the entrance to the system of caverns she and her detestable roommates inhabited. Arriving at the front door she took a second to check herself as the knocking continued. Flattening her feathers and tucking her wings, she let out a breath and opened the door.

“ IT IS SIX IN THE DISCORD-DAMNED MORNING!” she screamed, her voice shaking dirt from the ceiling. In the distance animals panicked, waking and fleeing for their half-conscious lives. And the grey mail pegasus that had been knocking was sent flying back against the ground, dropping the package she had been holding. “ Oh, oh, sorry.” said Gilda, realizing what she’d yelled at. “ Sorry, it’s just kinda early.”

“ Um....okay.” said the mail-mare, sitting up. Her eyes were rolling around in their sockets like she’d taken a blow to the brain and there was a blush on her cheeks. “ Ooh, wow, my heart is beating - you were so loud my whole body was vibrating!.”

“ Uh, yeah, sorry.” said Gilda, slapping her wings tight against her back. The little mailmare was lying sprawled out, her wings flared and throat defenseless as she tried to recover and -

Gilda desperately thought of the most unsexy earth pony she’d ever seen. The last thing she wanted to do was become aroused and get a wingboner in front of the mailmare....

“ Okay, um, right, I had a package for you, Ms. Griffon! I, um, kinda lost it - oop! There it is!”

She got up and trotted over, then bent over to pick it up. A bead of sweat ran down Gilda’s cheek as her eyes scoured every inch of that luscious flank and those downy, downy wings.....

“ So, I’ll just need you to sign right here!” The mailmare had a wide smile on her face as she trotted over and set the package in front of Gilda, the produced a clipboard. WHen she looked to Gilda, her eyes went wide.

“ Sorry, sorry, morning wings.” said Gilda, blushing as she slapped her wings down. “ Um, do you have a pen?”

“ Y-yes!” said the mailmare, blushing as she reached into her pouch and drew out a pen with her mouth. And then turned to Gilda held it out cutely, her eyes wide and blush on her cheeks.

Gilda had to be dreaming. She saw a twitch in the mailmares wings, only reinforcing the belief - but she couldn’t risk it. She slowly extended her neck and took the other end of the pen in her beak. The mailmare gently let go. Gilda hastily sighed the form - it was hard to write with her beak, but she did - and reached back out with the pen.

“ So, if you two kiss, won’t the pen be in the way?”

Gilda shrieked. The mailmare jumped backwards, noting the presence of the three Diamond Dogs at the same time Gilda did.

“ Naw, that’d be stupid - she’ll spit it out and they’ll start tonguing.” said Spot, eating some popcorn. “ Oh, and thanks for getting a microwave, Gilda.”

“ YOU’RE WELCOME.” said Gilda, her face livid but voice torrential. “ DON’T YOU THREE HAVE SOMEWHERE ELSE TO BE?”

“ Nope.” said Fido, lying on his tummy with his head held in his hands, like a young filly watching a romantic movie. “ So what’s with your wings?”

“ I-I’ll just go now.” said the mailmare, quickly taking the clipboard and pen back. “ Uh, um, see you next week at class!”

“ W-wait!” said Gilda, turning and reaching out. But the mailmare was gone, flapping off above the trees.

“ Aww.” sighed Fido, looking disappointed. “ I wanted to see them get lovey-dovey.”

Gilda’s head turned one hundred and eighty degrees to face them. Her eyes were bloodshot.

“ I am going to murder every one of you.”

====================

Two hours of pummeling, scratching, biting, and competitive bitch-tossing later, Gilda sat down in the living room. The Diamond Dogs were, tragically, stout creatures. This had let her vent a little more than average but denied her the catharsis of homicide. Steven Magnet was seeing to their wounds, putting band-aids on the scratches and kissing their boo-boos.

Whatever. Gilda had more important things on her mind.

The previous night, just after ruining the life of one pink-colored earth mare, she’d been given a tutorial on claw-craft knitted creations. Spike had been a surprisingly skilled knitter, but had explained as a cold blooded creature, it was a survival skill for him. He’d shown her how to use her claws as needles, building around the largest and moving outwards, and then how to use her hindclaws to aid in the process. It wasn’t the most dignified technique - to use all four limbs one had to lay on their back and hold the yarn above them.

When Spike had demonstrated, even Gilda had admitted he was cute - he was like a cat playing with string. But then he’d fashioned a scarf in three minutes. Gilda knew it would be a while until she got that good, but knew it’d be worth it.

This was only partially because she was part-feline and found playing with string fun. But it was admittedly a part.

Sitting on her sofa, Gilda started with only two paws. She was going to try the most simple exercise from the class first - a little single-strand bracelet. She began, immediately finding the success that had eluded her the previous afternoon. Her first loop was flawless and the second came quickly. Her mouth twitched to a smile despite herself.

She started to imagine flying around the Everfree, a scarf flying in the wind as she chased the winds. Eventually, more interesting prey caught her eye - a pretty pegasus, her blonde tail flowing like the air as she flew around a hillside. She dived, soundlessly drifting above the mare. With a sudden movement she caught her and spun her, the helpless ponies face lit with surprise as Gilda aerialy pounced her, but her features softened as she recognized and submitted to Gilda, letting herself be drawn into a deep kiss - OW.

Shaking out of her fantasy and fanning herself with her wings a few times, as it’d become a little warm in the cave, she found she’d tangled her claws while her train of thought drifted. Her work had been getting steadily sloppier too - the last five loops were practically a squiggle.

Sighing, she unraveled a short distance and set back to work.

She tried to imagine something else, thinking of the gloves she was going to work on. She imagined them as black, with a red ring at the end of each finger where she left a hole for her claws. That would hide any blood drops that splashed on while hunting. She wondered if that would work, or if she’d have to take the gloved off every time she plucked a fish from a river or gave a mailmares flank a pinch -

“ Thats it, this isn’t going to work.” she sighed, putting down the nearly completed bracelet. Her libido was out of control and she needed to work off some energy before she could focus. “ Hey, touch my yarn and I’ll gut you.” she said to the Diamond Dogs, who glared at her as she stalked out of the cave.

A few moments after she was gone, they looked to each other.

“ So, who’s gonna pee on it?”

=============

Gilda dove, streaking towards the earth. She pulled up at the last second, skimming along the surface of the Everfree river, the specks of freezing water biting against her feathers as she went. She pulled up and flapped hard, regaining altitude as the cold wind buffeted her.

She felt great.

She’d been flying for an hour, giving herself the best workout she could. She’d found her energy seemingly limitless today, her muscles taunt and wings tireless. She slowed, going into a stall and letting gravity take her for a second. The wind died as she entered that state between flight and falling and she let out a contented groan.

As she fell she flapped again, then burst though a cloudbank into the oncoming afternoon weather.

She’d pay for this later. Her muscles were going to ache, but it was a good ache. She skimmed the white clouds, tracing them with her frigid claws, the the golden light of the sun dancing off the silver mists. She needed the ache, the feeling of exhaustion, the feeling of having used every ounce of her being.

Or, she’d needed a pegasus and a cigarette. But that plan had been foiled.

She couldn’t help but think back to that mailmare. She’d been interested in Gilda - flattered, even, if Gilda knew how to read ponies. Surprised that someone was interested in her - it had been written in the blush and in her eyes. She was a little past her youth, definitely Christmas Cake, but not old enough to be without options.

Gilda regretted her shout, hoping that it hadn’t hurt her chances.

Gilda knew she had a problem. She’d known since she was a cub - pegaphilia wasn’t a unheard of thing for griffons. But for most it was a fetish or a phase. Gilda had it bad. She wasn’t very interested in other griffons. She liked her species, but it was as family and friend - and griffons, being apex predators, tended to live a long way from each other. About the only times they met in more than small groups were for mating seasons and the Equestria Beakball Cup.

Both times were basically the same two weeks. Gilda smirked a little - even she admitted it was a heck of a party.

Gilda began to glide back towards the surface. There was a certain loneliness to being a pegaphile. Most pegasi were, predictably, only interested in other ponies. Gilda understood that. But it didn’t change the fact that Gilda lusted for them and she could only rarely find one even interested in a date.

As she came upon a large, soft looking cloud, Gilda sighed. She supposed it was her own fault. It wasn’t like every cloud had a pegasi preening themselves on it, who would look up with dew eyes and speak her name with a quavering voice.....

And then she saw it. The mailmare from earlier, her satchel discarded nearby, lying on her side on the cloud, her muzzle buried in one wing as she tenderly nipped at the feathers, moaning as she pulled the loose down from them. She sighed and leaned back, her freshly-tended wings flared. Her eyes opened as she looked up, going wide and focusing as she saw the stunned Gilda.

“ M-Ms. G-griffon.” she said.

It wasn't her name, but it was close enough.

======================

“ Woo.”

Gilda took a puff on the cigar the mailmare had given her as she lounged on the cloud, luxuriating in the moment as the pegaus curled against her, radiating warmth.

“ Woo, that was....that was that.” sighed the mailmare, her tone as unfocused as her eyes. “ It’s....been a while.”

“ I could tell - we were both pretty hard up.” said Gilda with a chuckle. “ Couldn’t help but notice you’re a mother.”

“ O-oh.” said the mailmare, blushing. Gilda found it adorable. “ I-I guess you were...pretty...um....”

“ Thorough.” chuckled Gilda, scratching the mare on the cheek. She shuddered at the touch - Gilda was wondering if she could get a third go. The mailmare had seemed like puddle of jelly after the first time, but a few well placed scratched and a little nip to the ear.... “ Not been dating much since then?”

“ It’s been a long couple of years, but I thought I’d focus on my little filly.” said the mailmare. “ But it’s been a little too long. I needed....someone. I-I don’t know if this...if I can make this more than just a one time thing....”

“ Don’t worry.” said Gilda, holding the mare close. She almost laughed evilly as she felt the mare melt again. “ Your little filly won’t ever know this happened and I’m sure she wouldn’t want mommy to be unhappy.”

“ Ooh, thank you, my big sweet birdy.” giggled the mailmare. “ Dinky’s the sweetest little thing and the light of my life, but sometimes, I need a little vacation. Just the other day she was practicing some basic spells - “

Gilda’s eyes went wide.

“ - and she tried levitating one of the dressers. I knew it was too much and tried to stop her, but I couldn’t before - “

“ Hold on, magic?” asked Gilda, pulling away from the mailmare. “ Your foals a unicorn?”

“ Um, yes.” said the mailmare, looking confused. “ It was a surprise to me too! Her poppa was an earth pony-”

Gilda glanced to the mailmares flank. She’d been beak deep in that flank. So had the genitalia of a earth pony. She felt herself began to hyperventilate as her stomach churned.

“ Sorrygottago!” she shrieked, turning and racing off the side of the cloud. Gilda didn’t stop until she cannonballed back into her cave, racing past the guilty looking Diamond Dogs. She raced into the bathroom and found Trixe was drying her mane - one good toss and the enraged unicorn had been thrown outside. Gilda dove into the shower and turned it on, then curled into a little ball.

She’d had her mouth where an earth ponies wing-wang had been.

She didn’t think she’d ever feel clean again.

==================

Four hours of showering and scrubbing later, Gilda threw back her eighth shot of whiskey, the liquid burn doing her two favors - disinfecting any leftover earth pony cooties and numbing her throat.

She then sat back on the couch, her body screaming at her.

It’d been a long day. She’d beat herself up exercising and used everything she had left to use a mailmare most grievously - then done it again at double the pace. She was spent, physically and mentally. She needed to relax.

She had the perfect thing for it.

As she picked up the yarn and already-started bracelet, she set to knitting. This time, there were no distractions. There was nothing holding her back - in fact, her body and her mind were pushing her to focus. Soon, the yarn was pushing everything out of her mind.

She was knitting. Loop. Loop. Loop. And done. She snipped the yarn off and tied the end, finishing her bracelet.

She looked at it with widening eyes.

For the first time this whole plan didn’t seem like a waste of time. Some of the endorphins she hadn’t used up carnally leaked into her brain, eliciting a milder, but still fulfilling joy. She put the bracelet on, admiring it - it was a simple purple ring, but it was the first thing that wasn’t a meat-based meal that she’d made in ages.

And then she heard the Diamond Dogs laughing.

“....you peed on my stuff, didn’t you.” she sighed. Rovers laughs got louder, signifying she was right. “ Fine, whatever, good one. Rents due a week early this month.”

They stopped laughing pretty quickly.

After a trip to the garbage to throw away her yarns - she couldn’t trust any of them now - and a trip to her restroom to disinfect her arms again, Gilda couldn’t help but yawn. She was tired. She’d been through the gamut today and her body demanded that she collapse.

Deciding it would be silly to fight her own bodies advice, she stumbled into her cave and slammed herself into bed, falling asleep within seconds and dreaming of mailmares that were pure as the driven snow.

=====================

Dinky was in shock.

When she’d arrived home from school, she’d imagined that her mother might still be a little upset about the levitation accident from the previous day, but nothing more. She’d trotted in, ready to talk about her day and then go to dinner with her moms friends like they usually did.

Instead, she found her mother in the kitchen, a half-drained bottle of the “adult grape juice” next to her while she sobbed into her hooves. She’d tried to comfort her mother, by she’d said “ Sometimes mommy needs to cry, muffin. Sometimes mommy needs to cry.” She looked strange - her mane was messy and there were a few scratches on her neck and flank, like she’d been attacked by a hawk while flying - that had happened before, but not put her into such a state.

She finally accepted that her mother needed to be alone and went upstairs to her room. She got almost all the way up when a figure burst from the darkness.

“ Ssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhssshshhh.” whispered a mares voice. Dinky found that the pink-coated mare from the local candy shop was standing there, a hoof pressed to Dinky’s mouth so she couldn’t talk. “ Don’t say a word. Don’t even think a word. The police are looking for me - they might notice if you’ve been talking or thinking to me.”

Dinky noticed that, unlike when she usually saw this mare, there was a crazy gleam to her eyes. Her mane was strangely limp and she had a cackle to her voice.

“ See, I know who hurt your mommy.” said the mare. Dinky gasped, but she was still silenced. “ That big baddie-waddie hurt me too. And she hurt poor little Spikey-wikey. Don’t think! I’ll think for you. I’m going to get this baddie-waddie back, but I need some help. Will you do what I want? When I want it? Will you do whatever I tell you to?”

Dinky’s eyes went wide.

==================

“ Thats a fine daughter you’ve got there.” said the Captain of the Equestrian Guard, nodding to where Dinky Doo sat talking with a psychologist. He, the foals mother, and several other guards were outside of the Doo residence where a dangerous mental patient had just been apprehended. “ Most foals don’t realize when they need to turn to an adult.”

“ My little muffin’s wonderful.” said the tired looking mare, the smell of wine still evident on her breath. “ I didn’t even know she’d mastered the hog-tying spell! She’s such a smart little filly.”

“ Mrs. Doo, I have to ask.” said the Captain, looking over the scratches on the pegaus. “ Did....were you attacked? Before your daughter came downstairs and woke you?”

“ N-no.” said the mare, shrinking a little. “ I-I...um....” Her voice lowered and she leaned over towards the guard. “ I...I had....a-an encounter....with a griffon today.”

The Captain’s eyes went wide.

“ Um, Mrs. Doo, I should let you know.” said the Captain, leading her a short way from Dinky so they wouldn’t be overheard. “ If you were...if you are having relations with this griffon - “

“ It was a one time thing.” said the mare quickly. “ I-it just sort of happened.”

“ Well, the mental patient that we apprehended....she’s obsessed over a griffon. We think she might be stalking the griffon and those who know her as part of some sort of wacky revenge scheme.”

“ O-oh!” said the mailmares askance eyes, lighting up with realization. ‘ S-she had a reaction to earth ponies! I-I mentioned one and she fled for her life!”

“....this might be worse than we thought.” said the Captain with a sigh. “ It sounds like the griffons been attacked. Who knows how long this has been going - you wouldn’t happen to know where we can find her?”

“ I know exactly! I delivered a package to her this morning!”

The Captain smiled. “ Well, ma’am, we’ll be back in the morning. Now that we’ve got the prisoner in custody there’s no hurry, but we’d like you to take us to see this griffon tomorrow - so we can get the full story. Will you and your daughter need anything tonight?”

Glancing over to her daughter, the mare smiled. “ No, we’ll be fine.”

Smiling now that his duty was done, the Captain of the Guard turned to walk the mailmare back to her home. It filled him with pride to know that even in a world with monsters like Pinkamena Diane Pie, the good creatures of Equestria could band together to help each other.

========

For reasons Gilda didn’t know, she began to chuckle in her sleep.

Somepony Sent Us Up The Bomb

It was just her luck that she was in the bathroom taking a whiz when a knock came at the front door.

“ Don’t get it!” she shouted through the bathroom door, but Gilda could hear the Diamond Dogs scrambling for the door. She cursed her bladder - she usually didn’t need to pee after waking up, so of course she’d have to go on one of the few days - barring the day before with the mailmare - that there had ever been a visitor at Gilda’s cave. She squeezed, trying to finish more quickly.

“ Um, hello. Does a griffon reside here?” came an unfamiliar stallions voice.

“ Gilda? Yeah, she’s our landlady.” Gilda winced at the sound of Rover.

“ Wait, it’s Gilda?” came a voice that made Gilda wince even more - the voice of Pinkie Pie.

Finishing and washing her claws, she braced herself and headed for the front door.

“ Uh, hey.” she said, coming into view. There were two Equestrian Guards standing tall - luckily, both pegasi - along with the detestable Pinkie Pie - who had strange little scorch marks on her temples - a very guilty looking Spike and angry looking Twilight Sparkle - and to her shock the mailmare, who blushed and gave Gilda a weak smile. Taking a deep breath, Gilda prepared for the worst. “ What’s up?”

“ Pleasepleaspleaseforgiveme!” cried Pinkie, diving at Gilda. Gilda didn’t have time to react as she was pounced into a hug by the mare. The Diamond Dogs were a little quicker, with Spot arriving with a bowl of popcorn and Fido pushing the sofa over so they could watch in amusement. “ I’m so soooo soooooooos sorry for whatever I did, Gilda! I don’t even know what I did but I’m sorry!”

“ Get off me!” Gilda screeched, pushing the pony off and backing away. “ What the heck! I thought they took you to jail or something!”

“ Pinkie Pie was suffering a nervous breakdown - I did a electroshock spell to help cure her of it.” said Twilight Sparkle, trotting forwards. “ It’s erased her memory of a few days, so we don’t know what she’s done to you. But we do know why, don’t we, Spike?”

“ Ah ha ha, hi, Gilda.” said Spike. The little lizard was obviously cold - he was wearing two sweaters and a hat yet still shivering, but the nervous bead of sweat proved that things were not going well for him. “ So, um, see, there was this....favor....that Pinkie owed me. You know, the kind of “I’ll do anything if you help me with this” kind of favor, the one that, if you take advantage of, can end with time in jail. And stuff.”

Gilda caught on.

“ So, um, I was kinda...lording it over her.” said Spike, glancing nervously to Pinkie, who drooped in shame. “ And she snapped, and well, you know her history with you. Thats, um, why she did what she did.”

“ Did she attack you in any way?” asked Twilight, looking concerned. “ Ditzy Doo - “

Ah, the mailmare had a name.

“ - said that you had a reaction to earth ponies. I-if this is some sort of fear response - “

Her words were cut off by a muffled scream from deeper in the cave, emanating from Trixie’s lair. The guards leapt into action, flying off to render aid - and despite herself, Gilda could not help but admire those toned soldier-flanks as they raced by. She pawed along after them, wondering what was going on.

As she entered Trixie’s lair and found the two blushing pegasi struggling to keep their wings under control, she got her answer.

Trixie was bridled. And bitted. And strapped to her bed, her limbs spread wide. There were blinders on her eyes and some sort of pendant tied to her horn.

“ What’s going - OH CELESTIA SPIKE STAY BACK!” As Twilight Sparkle entered the room she blushed such a red that it overtook her purple coloring completely. She kicked the curious little dragon away, earning his protest. “ W-what’s going on in here?” the unicorn cried.

“...I think she’s into bondage.” said Gilda dryly, savoring every moment of the growing discomfort. Trixie gave several grunts of anger and struggled in her bindings. “ And something didn’t go quite right.”

Several seconds passed.

“ Um, are you gonna free her?” asked Gilda, looking to the guards. Blushing, they set to the lengthy and awkward task of freeing the mare. Gilda enjoyed the show, admiring the stallions wingspans. Soon, Trixe, sore and whiney, was freed.

“ Um....so, miss, what happened?” asked one of the guards as Twilights eyes went wider as she recognized Trixie.

“ I’ll tell you what happened!” cried Trixie dramatically. “ I was beset! I was taken advantage of! I, the Great and Powerful Trixie, invited a mare from a tavern back to my room only to find she was a fiend! Oh, she was fine until she had me buckled in - then, she left me there! I screamed all yesterday but nopony heard!”

“ We heard.” said Rover with a laugh. “ We just didn’t care.”

“ Wait, you’ve been in there since yesterday?” said Gilda in surprise.

“.....you didn’t notice I was gone?” asked Trixie, looking hurt.

“ Nah, she was too busy banging the mailmare.” said Fido. Gilda “eeped!” and growled at him, baring a claw.

“....um....hello?”

Trixie leapt into the air, readying a spell as Pinkie walked in.

“ Thats her! Thats the fiend!” cried Trixie, hiding behind one of the guards. “ Stop her!”

“ So, um, Ms. Fiend, do you want this ticking box from Gilda’s room?” asked Spot, entering holding up a cardboard box. “ I saw you put it in there and picked it up, but when I dropped it the clock stopped ticking.”

Every eye in the room slid over to Spot. The little dog’s ears fell, looking nervous.

“ V-v-very carefully, set that down.” said Twilight Sparkle, backing away from Spot. Everyone followed suit, inching towards the door.

“ You tried to kill me with a bomb?” Gilda hissed at Pinkie. The pink pony had tears streaming down her cheeks and was muttering the word “ sorry” over and over again. Spot placed the box gently on the ground and joined them - everyone was just about clear of the room.

Gilda reached for the door to close it. She didn’t make it.

“ Hi-diddly ho, neighborinos!” cried the resounding voice of Steven Magnet from behind them. Like always, it rattled the pebbles on the floor and the plates on the table. But today, it also rattled several bottles of nitroglycerine.

=============

“ ........if anyone sees where my fridge landed, tell me.” groaned Gilda, pushing rock and rubble from her as everyone climbed from the ruins of the half-blasted cavern. “ Because I really, really, need a beer.”

“ Uh, I think your fridge got destroyed.” said one of the guards, pushing the leaking container off of him. It was pummeled and battered - infuriatingly, it had shielded the microwave from destruction. “ And I think your beer got smashed. It’s leaked all over me.”

Gilda’s eyes shot to the pegasus, who shook his beautiful, beer soaked mane, rivulets of alcohol dripping down his muscular shoulders. He noticed her after several seconds.

While everyone else struggled for their lives to escape the damaged cave, all she could do was stand their, licking her lips as he blushed.

==============

“ Yeah, yeah, this place needs some serious structural work before anything can live here again.” said a burly Diamond Dog. He was the head of a group of contractors that Rover knew who could repair the structurally weakened caverns. “ Two or three days tops. You got the bits?”

“ She has the bits.” said Gilda grumpily, pushing Pinkie Pie forwards. The pony smiled nervously.

“ Um, I actually don’t.” said Pinkie with a weak chuckle. “ I, uh, already had to pay for the damages to Sugar Cube Corner. Uh, but I can - “

“ Listen, lady, I’m flattered, by I don’t swing that way.” said the contractor with a sigh, setting his pickaxe down. Pinkie blushed. “ But tell you what. I’ve got a dawg who knows a dog who knows a pony who runs a club in Manehattan and he’s always looking for dancers.”

“ Dancers?” Pinkie’s ears perked up. The Diamond Dogs laughed to themselves. “ I can dance! You’ve never seen somepony dance like me!”

“ Great - we’ll work out the details later.” said the Diamond Dog with a evil chuckle.

“ Hey. Knucks.” said Gilda, sticking out a fist to the dog. She knew full and well what kind of “dancer” that he was talking about. She even knew the club - every Friday was “ Feathers, Fetlocks, and Fantasy” night. The dog returned the gesture giving Gilda a conspiratorial grin, then turned to lead his workers into the caverns.

“ Well, um, this didn’t work out quite as I thought it would.” said Twilight nervously as the guards - one still blushing deeply - hitched themselves up to the sky-carriage they’d brought the flightless ponies in. “ I didn’t think you’d be homeless because of Pinkie.”

“ Eh, two or three days ain’t anything.” said Gilda with a shrug. “ I’ll just crash at Stevens place - “

“ Uh, no no no you won’t, missy!” said the dragon, slithering over and waving his sassy finger. “ Those claws on my carpets and furniture? You’d ruin them! And your table manners - see, if you were like the boys and always used a coaster - “

Rover, Spot, and Fido snickered as Gilda frowned. It was bad when a group of bachelor miners were considered more cleanly then you. It wasn’t like she was dirty - she’d showered and scrubbed herself silly yesterday!

“ - so they’re invited. You’re on your own.”

“ Thanks.” grumbled Gilda, glaring at the dragon. He turned and somehow managed to prance off, a mean feat for something with no legs.

“ Y-you could stay with me.”

Gilda turned, remembering who else was there. The grey mailmare was standing there, blushing and looking nervous. Gilda’s mild whirled between interest and revulsion.

“ I-I mean, I have a guest bedroom.” said the mailmare - Ditzy, that was her name. “ A-a-and I’d love to have you - I mean, as a guest.”

“ Hmmp. Twilight Sparkle, was it?” said Trixie, walking between them with her nose into the air, addressing the purple unicorn. “ You’ll be providing my lodging until I can return.”

“ W-what?” stammered Twilight, caught off guard.

“ As a fellow practitioner of magic I’m sure you can understand the needs a magician has in her home.” said Trixie, looking the unicorn in the eye.

“ Yeah, tell us more about your needs, Trix.” said Gilda snidely.

“ Privacy. Magical laboratories. Access to information. You live in the library where the Great and Powerful Trixie can have all of them.”

“....uh, well, I guess.” said Twilight, scratching the side of her head. “ It’s only for a few days - “

“ Hey! Don’t be such a pushover, Twilight!” said Spike, stepping in front of Twilight as if to shield her from the blue unicorn. “ The Weak and Obscure Trixie can’t just barge her way into our home like that. She caused a lot of trouble last time she was in Ponyville!”

“ Okay, I’ve got a solution.” said Gilda, seeing a way to escape Ditzy. “ Um, Ditz, I-I’d love to accept your offer...”

The pegasus’s lonely eyes lit with joy.

“ But thats taking things a little fast.” said Gilda, cursing her instinct to be nice to pegasi. “ And, um, I’m not ready for that. So, what if Trixie took the guest bedroom and, uh, in a few days we see how things are going?”

“ O-ok.” said Ditzy, looking disappointed but accepting the plan. She gave Gilda another hopeful smile that made the griffon uneasy and confused.

“ The Great and Powerful Trixie is not fine with this!” protested the unicorn, rearing onto her back hooves. “ Not even for a moment! Nothing will make her fine with this!”

“ I-I can make muffins.”

“ Trixie is sold.” said the blue unicorn, trotting over next to Ditzy. Everyone rolled their eyes.

“ So, you can bunk with us, then.” said Spike, gesturing to Twilight and himself. “ We’ve got the room in the attic where Owlowlcious sleeps.”

“ Spike!” protested Twilight, pushing him aside. “ We can’t just put her in the attic!”

“ Lets decide this later.” said Gilda with a sigh, looking to the guards. The beer-soaked one was shivering in the cold. The flightless ponies climbed into the carriage while Ditzy flew ahead. Somewhat alone, an evil smile took to Gilda’s face as she snuck over to the suffering guard.

“ Little something to keep you warm.” she whispered in his ear before giving it a slight nibble, a claw tracing his hammer cutie mark. His wings shot up in an instant as his partner began to laugh. With a smirk, Gilda flapped off ahead.

Her home might have been in ruins. She might have to deal with a lonely, lovestarved mailmare. She might be rooming with a nerd and her pet lizard. But as she felt his eyes trace her tailfeathers, all was good in Gilda’s world.

========

All was bad in Gilda’s world.

They had gotten back to Ponyville in the mid-evening and everyone had gone their ways. It had been a long trip, but an enjoyable one - and afterwards the pegasus she’d teased asked for her address so he could come back next time he had leave. She’d given it to him and given him another parting nibble. She’d heard his partner laughing as they flew away.

After a quick trip to the post office to send a letter, she and her temporary roommates were then heading back to the Library.

And then disaster had struck in the worst. Possible. Way.

Gilda had spent years on her image. She was big, badass, mean, and cool. When she walked down a street, ponies moved aside. When she flew over the Everfree, animals hid. But as they’d come near the library, the fluffiest, cutest looking owl Gilda had ever seen flapped down to greet them.

She’d squealed like a cub.

“ Ohmigawd look at him!” she squeaked, racing over and leaving a mystified Twilight and Spike. “ Oh, who’s a pretty little birdy? Who’s a pretty birdy?” She began scratching the owls chin, eliciting a happy hoot and smile.

She spent several moments baby-talking the owl, tickling it and playing with cute little claws before giving it a final boop on the beak and letting it go. It had fluttered over to Twilight and delivered a message scroll, then flapped back to Gilda, landing on her back.

That was when Gilda realized she was standing in a street full of ponies. All of whom were watching.

She froze, eyes wide in terror as they began to smirk and giggle. Then, Owlowlcious, impatient for more attention, ran a claw along her neck. She couldn’t help herself as she purred involuntarily, her eyes drooping and tail going rigid.

A moment later the entire street was laughing.

It had been all she was able to do to run inside the library.

“ Fan-fucking-tastic.” she sighed, drooping once she was out of the street view. Twilight trotted in, stifling a smile as Spike openly guffawed, his little belly jiggling with every heaving breath. “ Not a word. You got it?”

“ I promise I won’t tease you.” said Twilight. Gilda glared at her. “ I’m sorry, but it was so cute. Whenever we see you normally you are all mean and loud and seeing you act all happy was just too much.”

“ I, uh, I don’t like to act like that in public.” said Gilda, blushing and looking away. She was pissed, but she was so embarrassed that was covering her more wrathful emotions. Owlowlcious hooted again, causing a little tingle to go down her forearms - the damned owl was still adorable.

“ It’s okay - nopony will remember by tomorrow.” said Twilight, trotting past. “ So, um, want some dinner? I-I don’t know if I have anything you’ll like-”

“ Nah, it’s okay.” sighed Gilda. After such an indignity she’d usually be busting heads, but the incident had really taken the wind from her sails. Her headfeathers felt ruffled, so with a mopey walk she went to the hallway mirror to fix them.

She froze in place as she saw herself, slightly sooty. Her feathers were clean and pure, not a speck of the purple dye in them. It had to have washed out the night before in the shower.

She shrieked and fainted.

==========

“ Rarity! Rarity! Open up, it’s an emergency!”

Rarity, not usually one to get emergency calls at her store, looked up in surprise. She’d just finished dinner and was cleaning up the kitchen when the loud knocking at the front door to here business started. Spike’s voice had run out as the knocking intensified - she sighed and trotted for the door. He probably had picked another flower for him or something.

Oh. That thought was dashed as she noticed Twilight and a large, hooded figure were with him.

“ An emergency?” she asked, opening the door and inviting them in. The hooded figure swooped in, then set to throwing every one of the windowshades down. “ W-what is this? Twilight, who is this pony? And what’s going on?”

“ Uh, Rarity, this is, um, Gilda.” said Twilight, shutting the door. Gilda took off the hood, looking humiliated as she did so, checking the windows again. Rarities eyes went wide - it was the same griffon as before! The purple dye was missing, but she wasn’t mistaken. She’d been wrong when she’d told Dash that Gilda wasn’t around! “ She kinda needs a favor.”

Steeling herself and making a note to break the news to Rainbow Dash gently, she set to work.

“ M-m-my dye.” said Gilda, kneading her paws. “ I-I think it washed out! I was in public! Naked!”

“ She’s, uh, had a rough day.” said Twilight, pulling Rarity close. “ Um, it’s a pretty big thing to not have her feathers dyed, I guess. So, um, could you...”

“ Oh, yes! It’ll be easy!” said Rarity, feeling a burst of elation. “ Darling, you’re in good hooves.” she said, turning to the whimpering griffon. “ I’ve dyed hundreds of feathers in my work and even if they haven’t been attached to somepo-somebirdy, I can do it in a jiffy!”

“T-t-t-than-thank you.” said Gilda, eyes sparkling.

Rarity wanted to shout with joy as she led Gilda to one of the salon chairs, shutting the curtain so that they had privacy from Twilight and Spike. She quickly set to washing the feathers, feeling a sense of pride as Gilda relaxed. She’d accidentally insulted Gilda before when she’d mistaken her gender, but now she had a chance to make things right.

“ So, Twilight says you’ve had a horrible time today.” said Rarity, filling her tone with care. “ Would you like to talk about it? If you don’t, you can tell me how the knitting is going.”

“ It’s , um, going okay.” said Gilda, her tone unsteady. She closed her eyes as Rarity began to flatten her feathers - ooh, it was so much different than a mane! She had to focus on which pliability and angle rather than simply styling it however she felt, but the rigidness let play with a tension hair would never allow. “ I made a, um, bracelet. Spike showed me how to knit with just my claws - uh, so I’m not using the needles anymore.”

“ Ooh, and you were going to show me how wonderful those claws were, I remember!” said Rarity, trying to pep up the griffon. “ I can’t wait to see what you can do!”

“ Uh, thanks.’ said Gilda, looking away. “ I’ll, um, need some more yarn.”

“...you went though three balls already?” said Rarity, looking surprised.

“ My, um, roommates kinda ruined them.” said Gilda with a little scowl. “ I really hate Diamond Dogs sometimes - “

“ Ooh, do not even start on those ruffians! They are the worst sorts in the world!”

Gilda’s face lit up and moments later, they were comparing everything they hated about the cave-digging canines. With the skill of a master of gossip and fashion she carried the conversation into other topics, learning more of Gilda as she went. She’d been surprised to find she was “ into pegasi ”, but when Rarity thought of how she acted about Rainbow Dash when the topic was breached, it made sense - she seemed to be a jealous lover who was sore after a bad breakup.

As time went on, Rarity came to understand Gilda was really a sweet, nice being they’d totally misunderstood.

==============

“ I-I’m not comfortable with this.” said Pinkie, struggling as her new ‘manager’ tried to push her onto the stage.

“ Listen, you signed the contract, you do the work.” said the large, muscular pony with a grunt. “ And keep that bit in your mouth! You won’t make half as much without it in there.”

“ B-but I never knew I was going to have to be a pole-dancer!” protested Pinkie before the bit was shoved back into her mouth, gagging and silencing her.

“ Listen - you need bits fast?” said the manager. “ You get on the pole. You shake your flank, make yourself as open as you can, and those galloots in there will shower you in hard cold cash. Twenty minutes, you come back in here and keep a third. Keep that up for a week, I bet you won’t have a debt in the world.”

Pinkie Pie just whimpered, the metal taste of the bit filling her mouth.

“ So come on, hot-flanks, get out there!” said the pony, pushing her through the curtain onto the stage.

==========

Quick Snap had taken some odd jobs in her life as a photographer. But this one took the cake.

It’s been a rush job - she’d gotten a letter only minutes ago that told her to rush to the local gentlecolts club and get a bunch of shots of a pink mare with a balloon cutie mark. Some griffon wanted every shot of her on a pole, shaking her flank, and doing any other degrading thing a mare could do.

Normally Quick Snap would have balked, but the griffon wanted double prints and paid triple price. It was hard to argue with a job like that, even if she found it disgusting and degrading to mares everywhere. It was obviously part of some sick revenge plot.

She let out a small sigh as the bridled pink mare emerged onto the stage, her cheeks soaked with tears. There were some messed up things in life.

===============

“ I’m so glad I got to know you.” said Rarity, helping Gilda out of the chair. The griffion checked her newly-died headfeathers in the mirror, smiling as she saw they had been done perfectly. “ I wish we could have started better.”

“ Don’t worry.” said Gilda, wiping a droplet of water from her cheek. “ Live and forgive, right?”

“ Oh, I think we are going to become the best of friends!” giggled Rarity, glad she’d given this mis-understood chick the friendship she deserved.

Knittin' Kitten

Waking at dawn was a lot easier when you had an owl hoot “goodnight” to you at the same time.

“ Sleep well, widdle guy.” said Gilda, scratching she sleepy-eyed owls chin. She tossed her blanket aside and stood, shaking her wings and groaning as the morning took to her. She’d spent the night in the attic in the end - she would have slept on one of the couches had Twilight ever gone to sleep, but it seemed like the unicorn was one of those “night owls” amongst nerds.

She looked to the type of night owl she preferred, then grabbed her blanket and tucked him in. He hoo’d softly in thanks.

In a unspeakably good mood for someone who’d survived a bombing the previous day, she made her way downstairs into the library.

She found Twilight asleep in a pile of books, snoring softly. She didn’t bother to tiptoe past, but the unicorn stayed fast asleep. Gilda hit the bathroom - it took a moment to get used to pony-style plumbing again, but she managed - and then headed for the kitchen.

The kitchen was a well used, pretty little affair that filled Gilda with little hope of a morning beer. There was a pile of gems on a cookie sheet, cupboards full of canned alfalfa and vegetables, and in the fridge she found only health-food snacks. It seemed like her benefactor was one of those annoying beings that decided eating well was a high priority in their lives.

But then, she stumbled upon something in a high cabinet.

“ Hello, boxwine.” said Gilda with a growl, setting the offensive cardboard cube on the table. “ You don’t like me. I don’t like you. But, we both have needs, don’t we? So, feel like putting our past behind us and just getting this over with?”

The box sat there, not arguing with her. That was a good sign.

“ Well, here’s to us.” she said, breaking the box open and pulling out the spigot. She took out a goblet and filled it, then tucked back the entire thing in one go. Just as she remembered, the plastic, filthy taste of grapes plucked before they had the chance to be something memorable.

Smacking her lips as she filled the goblet again, she wondered how come so many ponies had such plebeian tastes in booze. About the time Twilight woke up she’d finished it, quickly hiding the box in the garbage.

“ Oh, good morning, Gilda.” said Twilight, trotting in and yawning. “ I’m sorry there isn’t much for you to eat here - all we have is Owlowlcious’s birdseed and I don’t think thats appropriate to feed you, is it?”

“ Eh, I’ve had worse.” said Gilda, the tipsy mood making her morning all the better. If there had been any pain to feel, she wouldn’t have noticed a bit. “ Hey, say, uh, I was just gonna sit around and work on knitting today. You wouldn’t happen to have any spare yarn? Something purple?”

“ Oh, sure!” said Twilight, turning her head away.

“ Ah, sorry, morning breath.” said Gilda, turning and waving. “ It’s kinda bad for griffons.”

“ No problem. Um, so I’ll be heading out for most of the day - my friend Applejack needs some help at her farm - “

“ Uh, hey, while your there, pick up some of their families hooch, will ya?” Gilda asked, walking from the room. “ I’ll pay you back, or something.”

=================

Curled up in front of a fire, Gilda felt like a kitten again.

The library was not the most cool place, but the living room was warm and the carpet soft.

Gilda was currently engaged in a scarf, having obtained purple yarn from Twilight and a pattern showing how to make one. It was going well so far, with almost an claw-length finished. She’d not needed to correct too many mistakes and coupled with the warmth of the den and her still-sloshed brain, she decided to let herself go.

Eyes rolling back in her head a little, she began to purr.

For a griffon, purring was somewhere between laughing and getting a body massage. The gentle vibrations shook her muscles loose as she kept knitting, her claws steadied by the floor. She flicked her tail playfully, switching it’s side as it got too warm from the firelight.

The feeling approached absolute contentment for nearly an hour, over which time she finished five more claw-length’s of scarf.

But, all good things come to an end and this one was shattered by Spike entered the room, grumpy and shivering as always.

“ Sup.” said Gilda, quickly stopping her purring.

“ Geh, it’s cold in here!” moaned Spike, walking past her to the fire. He threw several more logs on and sat, shivering, on the mantle next to the flame. After a moment he threw off his sweater, which was starting to catch cinders, and backed until his flesh was practically touching the fire. “ Aaaaaaaahahhahhhhhooaoooo, this is so much better.”

“ Thought you went with Twilight.” muttered Gilda as the little lizard luxuriated.

“ In this weather? That’s suicide.” said Spike unhappily.

“ In this weather?”

“ It’s snowing, ya dolt.” said Spike with a little fanged scowl. “ Didn’t you notice?”

Glancing to the window for the first time that day, Gilda noticed it was indeed snowing, with several inches already on the windowsill.

“ Huh.” said Gilda with a shrug. “ Fancy that.”

“ Anyways, I’ve got another proposition.” said Spike, looking to her. “ Twilight won’t be back until late - “

“ No.” said Gilda, shutting him down hard. “ The shit I went though for you last time? We’re still dealing with it. No way I’m cooking anything for you, even if it’s a slice of bacon!”

“ Dang.” sighed Spike. “ I really wanted waffles.”

Gilda sat up.

“ Wait, I didn’t see a waffle iron when I was in your kitchen.” she said, thinking back. “ I’m starving - you have a waffle iron?”

“ You didn’t look under the sink, did you.” said Spike, rolling his eyes. “ Yeah, Twilight puts the good stuff under there. Anypony who broke in wouldn’t look there. It’s where she keeps her alcohol, too.”

Gilda sprung up so quickly that her ball of yarn rolled away. She pounced it quickly to stop it’s escape and then turned to Spike.

“ I’ll make waffles if you pretend you don’t know what happened to her booze.” said Gilda, sticking out a paw. Spike spit in his palm and shook it.

=========

Looking at the cinderized remains of the kitchen table, Gilda couldn’t help but think something had gone terribly wrong.

Giving it one last spray of the fire extinguisher, she set the device aside and sat back on the one unbroken stool, taking another swig of mead. The waffle iron smoldered, molten metal still glowing red. Spike lay nearby, face-down in the bowl of waffle-batter and one paw wrapped around a bottle of Everfree Everclear, bubbles of smoke rising from the gooey batter.

Gilda laughed so hard she fell back off of her perch.

The waffles had went well until she started sampling Twilights surprisingly well-stocked hidden bar. She was still buzzing from breakfast and hadn’t resisted it as well as she would usually - and a short while in, Spike’s curiosity had been peaked.

One thing led to another and they decided to try to use dragons fire to get the iron hotter so it’d cook faster.

Lesson learned - that was a bad idea.

Laughing as she stumbled though Twilights house, Gilda returned to the nice warm den and lay back down with a grunt, her knitting calling to her.

She lost about ten minutes batting the yarn about and giggling.

She was soon hard at work again. She was drunk, so progress was slow, but with a heroic amount of focus she managed to keep things moving forwards. She’d done three more paws worth of knitting when she heard the front door open.

“ Whoo! Wow, it’s really coming down out there!”

Gilda glanced to the clock on the mantle. It was almost lunchtime - that meant Twilight had gotten back early. She heard a small cry from the kitchen and the sound of a bowl falling.

“ Wow, do I smell waffles? You guys, how’d you know I was coming back early? Did Fluttershy come by and tell you on her way home?”

“ UH YEAH!” bellowed Spike, obviously struggling with his words. Gilda heard the kitchen door slam and heard his claws clacking down the hall. “ Hey, Twi, join Gilda in the room. The room. You know, that room?”

“ Uh, the den?” asked Twilight trotting in. As she entered Gilda gave a friendly little wave, struggling not to laugh as the snow-covered unicorn looked around innocently.
“ Hi, Gilda. Oh, wow, that scarfs really coming along! That’s already half done!”

“ Aaaaayuuup.” she replied before letting out a belch. “ Spike showed me where you keep your booze.”

“ W-what?” said Twilight with alarm, noticing the mead bottle next to Gilda.

“ Okay, Twilight, things happened.” said the little dragon, entering with a plate of steaming waffles, the only batch they’d managed to make properly. There was a dollop of cream on top and they were soaked in gleaming syrup that shone in the firelight. It smelled and looked unfairly delicious.

This obviously did not excuse the fact that Spike was covered in batter as a look of horror crossed Twilights face.

“ So, um, yeah, enjoy these. These.” said Spike, handing the waffles to her. “ I’m gonna go throw up and then clean the kitchen.”

“ Um, Spike?” she said gingerly as the dragon teetered and ran from the room, a paw to his mouth as his cheeks bulged. “ G-gilda, did he - “

“ Naw, he didn’t try anything.” said Gilda before taking a swig of mead. “ But I did dare him to drink a bottle of maple syrup and that got him pretty sick.”

“ Oh, thank goodness.” said Twilight with a sigh, sitting back on the pillow she’d chosen and slicing a bite of waffle. “ Ooh, these are good. I’m going to guess the kitchen’s pretty bad.”

“ Remember your table?”

“ REMEMBER MY TABLE?” shrieked the unicorn, sending Gilda into a fresh wave of laughter. “ WHAT DID SPIKE DO?”

“ Well, the iron wasn’t very hot - “

“ SPIKE, I AM GOING TO NAIL YOUR TAIL TO THE FLOOR!” shouted Twilight, galloping from the room. From the bathroom the sounds of him retching followed.

As she set back to her knitting, Gilda took a moment to savor the forming memories.

=================

Gilda was feeling pretty sleepy as she finished another row of the loops on the scarf. It was coming along nicely - it wouldn’t be much longer until she was done with it.

But, the early winter night was threatening the sky outside and she’d been lying by a fire all day - it was time for a nap.

From the kitchen she could hear Twilight and Spike working to repair the damage. They had hours to go if Gilda was right, and she knew she was - it wouldn’t be long until Twilight found out what happened to her blender when Spike tried to make an scotch-and-sapphire smoothy.

She rolled over onto her belly and spread her wings across the thick, soft carpet and let herself start to drift off. It was a few seconds later when she heard a tapping on the window. Opening her eyes, she saw the familiar face of the mailmare - Ditzy, that was her name, why could she never remember that? - hovering outside.

Joints popping the got up and opened the window, letting the shivering pony inside.

“ Uh, whats up.” said Gilda, shielding her eyes. They were becoming a little sensitive to the light.

“ I-I just wanted to see how you were doing.” said Ditzy, brushing the snow from her mane and setting down her satchel. “ W-we didn’t talk much yesterday - “

“ Sorry, sorry, here.” Gilda was too tired to consider her actions as she pulled the shivering pony close, feeling the warmth from her body immediately leech into the smaller mare. “ I’m sorry, I was...yeah, um yeah....I’m sleepy.”

“ Do you w-want to lay down?” said Ditzy, her cheeks in full blush.

Blinking sleepily, a wide smile took to Gilda’s face.

“ Pull down the windowshade and shut the door.” she said, letting go of Ditzy and going back to her spot by the fire. Ditzy obliged as Gilda lay down. “ Uh, and prop the door shut so it can’t be opened - use, use that chair.”

“ O-okay!” said Ditzy eagerly. Gilda smiled a wide, dopey smile as she re-fanned her wings. “ W-what should I do next?”

“ I don’t have the energy I did last time, so I was going to let you take the lead this time.” said Gilda, feeling flushed as Ditzy stood by her, her wings popping up. “ I haven’t preened in a little while, so - !”

She didn’t even finished before Ditzy had pounced her and was muzzle-deep in Gilda’s large wings. Eyes rolling back in her head and toes curling, Gilda decided to consider herself lucky - she might have gone with an earth pony in the past, but this Ditzy was one cougar that Gilda was happy to be the prey for.

=================

When Gilda awoke she found herself curled up with Ditzy, the smaller mare still blushing as she snoozed. The pair were covering each other with their wings like blankets, the dying embers of the fire radiating little heat compared to their bodies.

Gilda was surprised to see a small plate of cookies next to them, considering the door to the room was still closed. Unicorn magic, she thought to herself - Twilight must have cast a spell to simply walk through.

Gilda hoped for Ditzy’s sake that they’d been finished at that point.

Gilda blinked, her last thought echoing in her head. For Ditzy’s sake? That was strange. She must have been getting a soft spot for the mailmare. She didn’t know if she liked this or not - her head was too muddled to decide.

Gilda’s eyes drifted from the mares face back to the almost-completed scarf.

Gilda gingerly picked it and the yarn up and set back to work, trying to keep her claws from clacking. She made few sounds as she finished the last few rows, working with a strange ease. Despite the fact she should have had a hangover, she felt fine and airy. The last few threads came together, she snipped the yarn, and let the ball drop away.

She held up the finished purple scarf and stared at it in the semi-darkness.

It was something to see. There were a few rough patches, but it was a good scarf - the pride from when she’d finished the wristband was back, this time mingling with the soft thrill of feeling Ditzy’s breaths.

For the first time Gilda realized she’d never even opened the package that Ditzy had brought. She’d left it on the couch, forgotten. She didn’t even remember who’d sent it - she hadn’t been focused when she signed for it. She almost felt like finding out and thanking them - but those weren't the thoughts for a night like this.

She took the scarf and gently wrapped it around Ditzy’s neck. The mare stirred for a moment, waking up, but a quick scratch to her cheek send her back to sleep.

Gilda joined her.

===================

“ Huh, what the heck is this?” said one of the Diamond Dogs, tossing a boulder aside. There was a squished cardboard box under it.

“ Man, we should steal this microwave.” said another. He and half the crew were assembled around the glowing box, making yet another round of popcorn. “ I’ve never seen a microwave this good - it’s like something a professional cook would use!”

“ ....to Gilda the griffon....from Rain....Dash?” said the dog, inspecting the boxes slightly burnt label. Slitting it open with a claw he found a singed envelope and sports cap with a tornado emblem. He opened the letter and began to real. “ Wazzaap, Gilda....send you this hat because I know you support the blah blah blahs, tickets for us to go see the blah blahs at the finals, blah blah, patch things up?”

He rolled his eyes, looking away from the paper. “Feh, mare crud.”

He placed the hat on his head, shredded the letter, and turned back to his job of pretending to fix the cave while searching for gemstones.

=======================

When Gilda woke the next morning, she found Ditzy had slipped away. There was a note, but she was too sleepy to read it yet. She stretched and sat up, smiling as she thought of the previous day. Everything had gone right for once.

Everything had gone right.

This Chapter is So Crazy, It's a Flashback

Captain Helm, the commander of the pegasi Royal Guards, stared blankly at the pony in front of her.

He was scratched like he’d been attacked by a dozen falcons. One eye was bruised purple and black, the swelling forcing it shut. His mane was chopped like somepony had taken an axe to it, his tail was burnt, and he was missing two teeth. To one side lay a bound, gagged, manacled, and hogtied pink earth pony, to the other, a bunny in a iron cage that had a sign attached that read “ No Carrots”.

But there was a giant, goofy smile on his face and his wings were suspiciously clean.

“ You have one heck of a story, don’t you.” said Captain Helm.

“ I got laid.” replied Guardspony Hammer. The young stallion spoke in a singsong, proud tone. A little trickle of blood dripped out of his nose. “ Also, I may have a concussion.”

With that, he collapsed in a heap.

Captain Helm soared through the clouds with purpose, the nervous friend of Guardspony Hammer keeping pace behind. After rushing the injured stallion to the hospital she had sought out the ponies friends to see what had happened while the prisoners were processed by her lieutenant. She’d found young Tongs, who was the best friend and squad mate of Hammer, awaiting his friends return with the preparations for a surprise party.

Hammer had apparently left on a weekend pass to go see a female gryphon he had met on a mission, which had surprised the Captain - the stallion had seemed rather normal. But, to each their own - Helm had fooled with enough fillies that she didn’t feel too judgmental.

Finding out that the last time Hammer and Tongs had seen this gryphon the prisoner earth pony had tried to kill them with a bomb...was a little different. She’d decided that she needed to know more of the situation. Hammers word on the prisoners crimes could not be completely trusted and it was necessary that they be able to prove that...

Helm paused, trying to remember the full list of the misdeeds Hammer had claimed that the prisoner had committed.

Assault with a deadly weapon, assault with an slightly less deadly weapon, impromptu demolition of a bungalow, assault with a pepper mill, sedition, interfering with the duties of a postal worker, necromancy, breaking and entering and laughing about it, grand theft windmill, operating a windmill while inebriated, double-parking a windmill in a handicapped wagon space, and weaponizing salt into a deadly weapon.

But as Ponyville came into view, the morning sun rising in the distance and covering the famous town in its orange glow, she was unfortunately shown that the story was partly true at least - there was a windmill in the center of the Ponyville malls parking lot, double parked in a handicapped space.

Swooping down, she landed in front of the towns library. The local librarian was the famed magician Twilight Sparkle and for her investigation to come, it would be necessary to have some proper support.

“ Oh, hey, uh, what do, I, um, do?” asked Tongs as he landed besides her.

“ Just keep quiet, Guardspony.” said Captain Helm, knocking on the library door. The distant sound of skittering indicated something was there and a moment later the door opened and a nervous looking little dragon greeted them.

“ Uh...hey.” he said, glancing back behind him. There was a little ketchup on his snout and a napkin wrapped around his neck. “ Sorry, I was, um, eating. Can I, uh...help you?”

“ You can. Is this the residence of Twilight Sparkle?” asked the Captain. The dragon nodded. “ Would you please get her? We have need of her abilities in a criminal investigation.”

“ Uh, so, here’s the, um, deal.” said Spike, lowering his voice and leaning in. “ Don’t tell her I was having breakfast, alright? I was kinda sneaking some...stuff.”

“ My lips are sealed.” said Help with a little smirk, which caused the dragon to relax and thank her as he retreated into the library. She could remember being young and sneaking to the kitchen from time to time - it was strange to her that the dragon would sneak breakfast, but then he wasn’t exactly a pony, was he? It could be perfectly normal.

Moments later, a sleepy looking purple unicorn came into view.

“ Good morning.” she said in a mild Canterlot accent. “ Sorry, I just woke up. Spike said you needed me to cast a spell?”

“ Perhaps several - we are investigating the story of a Guardspony who claims to have apprehend a crazed pony in town during the night.”

“ Oh my!” exclaimed Twilight, snapping fully awake. “ What happened?”

“ ...at this point, I don’t feel safe giving any sort of explanation.” said Helm, gesturing to the windmill. Twilight Sparkle’s jaw fell.

“..oooookay, I’ve got just the spell to answer out questions.” said Twilight, gesturing for Helm and Tongs to enter. “ I’ve actually been looking for an excuse to try it. It’s pretty cool - it will send our souls back in time so we can watch what happened, but we won’t be able to change anything - and nopony will be able to tell we’re there.”

Helm’s jaw fell.

“ Y-you can do that?” exclaimed the captain, stunned. “ I’m no unicorn, but that sounds amazingly complicated!”

“ Actually, it’s only a simple Soul Jar spell and a bit of temporal wabbajabba.” said Twilight Sparkle with a shrug.

Helm looked at Tongs. Tongs mouthed “ Celestia’s Number One Student” and gestured to a plaque that said the same thing. Helm sighed - this was getting a little crazy.

“ Okay, so when do - !”

Helm turned and was about to ask when the spell would be cast when she felt the world grow cold and watched her body fall to the ground. There was suddenly a great gust of wind and the world spun away, the library vanishing and slowly becoming replaced with...the library.

But the clock indicated it was lunchtime the previous day.

“ Okay, that worked.” said Helm, looking at her translucent leg.

“ Whoops, that wasn’t supposed to cast so quickly.” said Twilight sheepishly. “ Guess I put too much juice into it. But, we’re alive, sorta, and we’re in the past! Lets get started!”

“...well, Hammer, the guard who made the arrest, said his story started when he heard singing coming from a cafe...” said Helm, glancing out the window. “ I wonder which one he meant?”

Suddenly, the Library reverberated as the sound of heavy metal filled the air.

~She who makes a bartender out of herself

~ Gets to make her marefriend a free Manehattan

“ ...guess that answers that.” muttered Helm, floating through the wall. Twilight and Tongs followed as the spirt ponies found the source of the singing at the bar in the cafe across the street. A gryphon had booted the now-sulking bartender out and was starting a Musical Number. There was no sign of Hammer yet. Taking a huge swig from a bottle of hard liquior, the gryphon began to belt her song as she mixed a number of drinks.

~Add ry-yy-ye to the cocktail I cry-ye,

~It’ll keep you warm in winter, on barren empty nights.
~No Oasis or cheap beer here, only the finest of whiskey.

~Can’t you help me - your drinks starting to burn (on purpose)

~Too many doses and I’m starting to get an addiction
~Liquid confidence never leaves me on my own (all alone)

~Nopony can save me ( though the mailmare’s got my attention)

At this, Helm caught sight of the cheering mail pegaus in the corner. She fit the description of the mailmare from Hammer’s story - she was the significant other of the gryphon and supposed target of the psychotic pony.

~Next, add sweet vermouth but not the bitters -

~fortified with grape for the basewine
~Make sure to stir until it’s completely mixed

~Now add the bitters and get ready to set free!

“ Oh, I get it!” said Tongs, letting out a laugh. “ It’s Bat Country! She’s singing to the tune of Bat Country!”

“ Man, I have no idea what music is like anymore.” sighed Twilight, shaking her head. “ Oh, hey! Who’s that!”

She gestured and Helm caught sight of Hammer arriving upon the scene. Looking cold in the winter gusts the pegasus, sans-armor as he was on leave, landed in by the cafe. He’d obviously been following the sound of the gryphons voice and smiled as he peeked in.

At that point, the gryphon downed eight shots of something, ended the musical number (though Tongs hoof was still tapping) and dove at the mailmare, catching her in a deep kiss.

Hammers’s eyes were as wide as dinner plates as the cafe cheered.

After that, the pegasus stumbled away from the cafe and eventually found his way into a nearby bar. He seemed disappointed - and, as he had obviously been expecting to see a ladyfriend and had instead found out she had somepony else, it was perfectly understandable. Grumbling, he ordered a beer.

“ Okay, that means ...” said Helm, looking to the door. A moment later, it burst open to let in a flurry of snow, a gryphon, and the blushing mailmare held tightly to her side.

“ Okay, here’s what’s going to go down.” said Helm, drawing Twilight and Tongs close. “ They sit down by him and the gryphon - “

“ Her names Gilda.” said Twilight.

“ Gilda, then, notices Hammer. She recognizes him from before - “

“ When Pinkie Pie tried to kill Gilda with a bomb and blew up her cave.” said Twilight. “ I was, um, there.”

“...anyways, she’s had plenty to drink and is looking for more. The mailmare - Ditzy Doo, right?” Helm stopped for Twilight to nod, showing the unicorn that Helm knew some names of the involved. “ Ditzy’s done with her route and joins. They get fairly drunk for the next few hours before stumbling to someponies cottage for some sort of party.”

“ Party...oh, oh no.” said Twilight, face scrunching up. “ A party...means Pinkie Pie would skulk around. And my friend Applejack told me that Fluttershy had bought drinks for some sort of party yesterday.”

“ Hey- hey, no listen!” screeched the inembriated Gilda. “ Later, later theres this thing! With Flutterbuttershy, at her, um, thing! She’s gonna have booze!”

“ Woo!” whooped Ditzy, falling off her stool.

“ You’re hot. You should come.” lisped Gilda, grabbing Hammer's flank and causing him to let out a little "eep!". Helm, Tongs, and Twilight looked away as his wings sprung up.

“ Okay, more than I wanted to know about Gilda.” said Twilight, gesturing for them to go outside. “...even if I did walk in on her and Ditzy already.”

“...care to explain?” asked Helm, wincing. This was getting convultued.

“...well, um, after...Gilda’s cave was blown up...she’s been staying at the library. And yesterday...I walked in on her and Ditzy...nuzzling each others wings.”

“ Oh, damn.” said Tongs, his ghost-wings popping up.

“...well, lets get to this cottage.” sighed Helm, wishing she knew less about the situation she was trying to learn more of.

“ Okay, theres Pinkie Pie.” said Twilight, idicating the pink earth pony that was, in fact, the prisoner that Hammer had brought back. She was helping Fluttershy and Angel bake a cake and clean Fluttershy’s cottage. The two mares had been chatting happily and things seemed idylic - but as a knock came from the front door and another drunken “woo!” filled the air, it was obvious things were about to get bad quickly.

Pinkie Pie hid as Fluttershy opened the door and the polyamourus gryphon pounced her, sending them rolling through the house as Hammer, carrying Ditzy Doo on his back, trotted in and set her down. She hiccuped and laughed as Fluttershy simultaneously screeched in fear and joy.

What happened in the kitchen, however, was more interesting. From a criminal standpoint.

Angel Bunny produced a tazer and shocked Pinkie Pie. A moment later her mane and tail fell flat and a wild look took to her eyes.

“...oh, crud. That was the electroshock spell being overridden!” said Twilight in alarm. “ Um, last time Pinkie went crazy, we fixed her with a spell.”

“ Oh, wow, that’s a relief!” she cackled as the bunny hopped in front of her. “ Thanks! They shut my brain off! I wasn’t able to think right anymore!”

Angel Bunny rolled his eyes, then gestured to the living room where Fluttershy was being mercilessly tickled by Gilda.

“ Oooooooooh, that meanie! She’s hurting Fluttershy!” gasped Pinkie Pie. “ Angel, get your shotgun! We’re going hunting for jerks!”

Before Pinkie could move, however, the bunny grabbed her hoof. He made a gesture to calm down, then a number of others.

“ Ooh, I getcha. Be subtle. Don’t get caught. Kill then while they sleep and sell their heads on the internet. Don’t get caught.” cackled Pinkie Pie, nodding. Angel Bunny got an evil smirk that seemed to say “ We’re going to make a great team.”

To his horror, a moment later Pinkie Pie grabbed an axe and turned to where Helm, Twilight, and Tongs floated.

“ But first! Guillotine the Ghosties!”

“ Run for it!” shouted Twilight, dashing for the living room. “ She’s got crazy powers and she’s crazy!”

At the sight of a pony capeable of tearing souls from their bodies and ripping time asunder fleeing for her life, Helm and Tongs joined in the rout instantly.

“ Oh, crap, is that Pinkie?” said Gilda, sitting up and blinking with some difficulty as they raced past. A moment later she noticed the axe Pinkie was swinging wildly.

“ I love being subtle!” shouted the psyco-pony, charging the drunk - and in Fluttershy’s case, tickled stupid - ponies with a maniacal grin.

From there, things got a little nuts. The fight spilled outside, axes and bottles were traded for a garbage can lid, two decorative birdfeeders used as nun-chucks, and a Tazemaster 5k that was used liberally on everything in sight. Inertia built as a trio of passing-by Diamond Dogs joined in the ruckus, causing the fight to change direction towards ponyville.

One thing led to another, a windmill was flown around town while airsiren’s roared and a toaster oven was used to launch burning strudel about with reckless abandon, and at some point somepony punched the Mayor.

Hours later, Pinkie Pie was defeated by the local’s as she realized she’d long since lost sight of Gilda, Hammer, Ditzy, and Fluttershy, who had hidden themselves in a treehouse and done the sensible thing and banged.

And banged.

And banged.

Suffice to say, Helm was going to be very uncomfortable next time she saw Hammer now that she knew exactly why he had the scratches. And the missing teeth - Fluttershy had at one point had a bit of a spasm while his snout was someplace...dangerous.

When the spell faded and their spirits returned to their bodies, it was all the three ponies could do to stand there awkwardly.

“ Well, I guess...we should go.” said Helm, looking to the door.

“ Uh, yeah.” said Twilight, rubbing her mane with one hoof. “ I guess...I need to go see if Gilda slept here last night. And hose off anything she touched. Also, um, Pinkie Pie’s going to need a lawyer...tell her to call me.”

“ Will do.” said Helm with a nod. “ Tongs, come on.”

The pegasi turned and exited the library, taking to the air and leaving Ponyville below.

“...you know, on my next weekend pass...” said Tongs, biting his tounge a little as he looked back. “ I think I might come around here.”

“...me too.” sighed Captain Helm.

Ride the Pony, They Said

Sometimes after a bender, one woke up not sure what they did.

Gilda was almost that someone.

Pony and griffon anatomy was quite similar, but there were a few notable differences. In this situation, the most applicable was the comparative size of genitalia. A male pony was far more endowed than a male gryphon, meaning in turn that the a female gryphon was narrower than a female pony.

Meaning Gilda’s crotch felt like it had taken a battering ram.

As she groaned and curled into a fetal ball, a few motes of consciousness flitting into her mind, she was well aware of one thing - the day before she’d gotten drunk and fucked a stallion. She usually kept to mares, but she’d “gone for a ride” a few times before and knew how much today was going to suck - she’d be walking funny for a while. It didn’t help that it felt like someone had bitten her flank.

Rolling over and opening her eyes, she was thankful to find she was in the attic at the library. And she had her feathers. And the lampshade she’d chosen to wear before passing out was tasteful. And, there were no unconscious earth pony stallions about.

These things made her happy and reminded her of less successful benders.

She focused - what could she remember? Her last clear memories were of singing at a bar. That was not a good sign for how crazy the night had been. She knew she’d gone to see Fluttershy at some point...something about a hammer...the Diamond Dogs had shown up at some point...also, she remembered being covered in strudel.

Oh, wait, there was something taped to her beak.

Feeling numb as she was it had taken a while to sense the paper. Grabbing it she found it was in Ditzy’s writing and was a little love note saying she’d had fun the night before but had woken up early to go do her route. To Gilda’s confusion , Ditzy had reminded her to “keep an eye out for Hammers tooth and pay Fluttershy back for the thing”.

Gilda stood, wincing at the ping of pain, and moved to the window. There was a windmill in the center of town.

This was going to be a good day to lie low.

Heading downstairs, Gilda was greeted to the best smell anybirdy with a hangover could smell - bacon. The air was full of freshener to cover the scent, but the tantalizing smell was definitely there. Almost drifting through the air as the little pork particles enticed her, she headed for the kitchen, pausing as she passed by the library.

Twilight Sparkle and two Guardsponies were lying on the floor, unconscious.

She checked the Guardsponies wallets and scored a few bits.

Continuing to the kitchen she found Spike on a teetering pile of books, slaving over a large frying pan on the stove. He was drooling - and so was Gilda. The bacon he was frying smelled divine and he’d made a plate of it almost as large as he was.

“ Sup, lizard.” she said, getting his attention. His head snapped but his face relaxed when he saw it was her, not Twilight. “ Bacon?” she asked, gesturing to the overflowing plate.

“ Bacon.” he replied with a nod and a toothy smile.

“ Eggs?” she asked.

“ Eggs.” he answered, gesturing to another pan full of cooking scrambles with onions and green peppers.

“ ... beer?” she asked with a mote of uncertainty.

“...fridge?” said the little dragon, scratching his head and looking to the white box. Gilda walked over, stumbling a little, and opened it. Front and center was a bottle of the local breweries reserve, a note with a drawing of Ditzy and a little heart on it.

She teared up a little as she popped the top, threw it back, and began to dish herself up a delicious greasy breakfast.

For the first time in a while, Gilda was in a knitting mood.

This likely had something to do with the achey, hide-from-the-cops type situation she was in that day. In any event, as she lay down in the attic with several pinched balls of yarn - Spike kept a good stockpile - she set to work.

Today was the big day. She’d suffered enough the day before, in the cold wind and snow.

Today, she did gloves.

She started with the wrist section, which would be the easiest. First making a loop and building outwards, she stretched towards the claws slowly and carefully. She had to stop several times and remove entire lines but progress continued.

With occasional breaks to bat around the yarn balls.

Finally she came to the tricky part she’d dreaded - the claw holes. She had to build a number of tubes off the main one, something she’d never done before. She started with the little claw - big mistake. She then tried the index, as the central location was very important to the other claws. This proceeded better, at least until she tried the adjacent fingers - she kept pulling the yarns too tight.

She took a beer break, noting that the Guardsponies and Twilight Sparkle were still passed out.

Returning to work, she worked. And worked. And worked some more. The fingers on the glove fought her, her claws fought as she made mistake after mistake, but she progressed. She struggled. And, finally, after hours of work, she’d done it.

She had a glove.

She sat for almost a minute admiring the somewhat lumpy knittation. It wasn’t pretty. In fact, it sucked. But she’d made it and by Discord, she now had something to protect her paws against the cold of the winter air - or a brew she’d let get too frosty.

Chest swelling with pride, she put it on her left forepaw.

She blinked. She looked at the glove again.

She was pretty sure she only had four claws. Why was there a fifth hole?

With a sigh, she set to fixing it.

It was dark by the time she finished the second, which was a far better build than her first one.

She’d gone outside and walked in the snow immediately, savoring the fact that her two gloved paws were quite warm. On her way back in she heard moaning from the library, where the unconscious ponies were stirring. Quickly hiding, she watched as the guards said something to Twilight and departed. As the purple unicorn turned, Gilda emerged from the stairs.

“ Uh, hey.” said Gilda awkwardly. Twilight winced. That wasn’t good. “ So, um, yeah. What’s, you know, up?”

“...uh, stuff.” said Twilight, blushing and looking away. “ Hows the, um, hangover?”

“...what’d I do?” asked Gilda, cringing and shutting her eyes.

“ Well, uh, you? Um, well, you...got in a fight and had sex with Fluttershy and Hammer and your marefriend, uh, ohmygod.” She ended beet red, gasping for breath. “ A-and! And, you w-w-were kinda attacked by Pinkie Pie. She’s, um, in jail at the moment.”

Gilda couldn’t help but perk her ears up, but she hid the smile.

“ S-so yeah.” finished Twilight Sparkle, trying not to look at Gilda. “ H-have you taken a shower today? No, go take a shower. And then make me a list of everything you’ve touched in here today.”

“ ... wait ...” said Gilda, blinking. “ Why?”

“ Well, um, Fluttershy...had a...kind of...spasm...”

“ I don’t want to know!” Gilda said quickly, turning and heading for the bathroom. She shook her head and let out a sigh - it was a good thing she’d be moving into her cave again tomorrow. It’d be a few days before the awkwardness would fade around Ponyville.

As she began to leave, Twilight gasped.

“ Uh! Um! Wait!” she shrieked. Gilda froze. What now? “ Y-y-you h-have...a...tooth. Embedded in your flank.”

Gilda stood still for several seconds. She reached a paw back to the bite on her flank that had been aching all day and felt for a moment - and there it was, a ponies tooth. She pulled it out with a little “eep!”

“...uh, I think I remember something about somepony losing this?” she said, blushing so hard she couldn’t look to Twilight.

“ I’ll..have Spike send it to Hammer.” said Twilight, levitating it from her with magic. “ Uh, please. Shower now.”

“ Got it.” said Gilda, glad to be leaving.

After a quick stop to see Ditzy, a brisk flight to the Everfree, and a gory devourment of a possum, Gilda saw her cave.

Her cave. How she’d missed it.

It looked as it always did, a hole in the side of a cliff face. But she spotted the Diamond Dogs - in new outfits, to her surprise - making their way up the trail and a flash of magic from Trixie's teleportation.

Landing, she enjoyed the softness of her four gloves and re-affixed the scarf Ditzy had loaned her around her neck - taking a quick wiff to get the mares scent. As she strode into her cave she was pleased to see it was looking decent enough - it was wider and a little rougher than she was used to, but it was hers.

The microwave was still there, perched on its boulder throne like a god, a pile of empty popcorn bags besides it.

“ Home sweet home.” she said, letting out a contented sigh.

As one of the Diamond Dogs walked past he let out a fart.

From the high entrance to Trixie's cave the sound of fireworks and boasting began as the unicorn practiced her routine, filling the cave with ash and insults.

And Steven Magnet popped his head in and began to titter and tatter about how they needed some throw rugs, a new kitchenette, and more natural lighting.

“ Home friggin home.” she muttered to herself, scowling and remembering why she’d hated this place.

FINALE! But not the end. I'll be staring a new storyline up to continue this.

Snags Are Hit, Also Cliffhanger

Most beings would have found the sight of a purple river dragon wearing mustache curlers singing while decorating pancakes with powdered sugar and fruit slices strange.

They had obviously never met Steven Magnet.

“ Boys! Ooooooooohhhhh, boooys!” he called, setting the three finished breakfast plates down at the carved wormwood table in the center of his riverside cavern, each in front of a chair adjusted to the height of one of his guests. Glancing to the stove to make sure that it was off, he took a moment to prepare himself as the Diamond Dogs scampered out of the guest bedroom.

He removed his curlers and fanned the ‘stache.

He took a deep breath and triple-checked that the potpourri was filling the air with a fresh scent.

He made a twirling motion with each wrist, keeping them limber in case he needed to snap his fingers after a comment.

“ Pancakes!” shouted Fido, racing into the cave first.

“ Eat up, boys!” said Steven, clasping his hands and giggling as the cute canines cantered in. “ Now, I took the liberty of washing and pressing those cute little vests you all wear! I even fixed the name tags in them so you won’t get them mixed up.”

There was the sound of what might have been the word “thanks”, but the canines mouths were so full of his delicious syrupy breakfast that they were totally intelligible.

“ Now, I packed a little lunch for each of you, so don’t forget them!” he continued, setting down a trio of paper bags bulging with snacks and candies. “ Ooh, it’s been so lovely having you here!”

“ GULP - thanks!” said Rover, smiling widely. There was a slice of strawberry stuck in his teeth. “ I wish we could stay - you cook so well I’ve put on five pounds!”

“ Ha, I’ve put on ten! It’s like he’s trying to fatten us up!”

“ Hey, the last snasuage is mine!”

The Diamond Dogs began to argue, giving Steven the chance to slink away. He began to rub his claws together and cackle slightly. If they only knew how right they were. All he needed was them to get a little plumper....

.....and their vests would no longer fit! He’d get to shopping with his three favorite dogfriends! He giggled at the thought of getting them some nice new suits - one in snakeskin for little Spot, a nice Oxford for the brainy ( by their standards) Rover, and a nice big bomber jacket for big fluffy Fido! They’d look so adorable and juicy!

Also, if he ever had to cook them up, it’d be better to have them be fatty - the less he used cooking oil the more of their natural flavor would be sealed in.

Dreaming of the future, he set to work jotting down some alternate outfits for them.

After the idyllicness of the previous day, Gilda needed to go out and kill something.

Now, that was due to hunger. As much as killing something was a great way to blow off steam and build ones ego, the fact of it was a griffon couldn’t live waffles and hard liquor alone - and if she went to lunch with Ditzy without any meat in her stomach, the mare might start to look tasty in a different way.

The mare had left a note inviting Gilda to lunch at a local coffee shop, a date that Gilda was more than happy to accept. She didn’t know if the thing with this mailmare was going to turn permanent - there was the fact that the mare had a filly and Gilda wasn’t sure she’d ever be fully comfortable with something that had been intimate with a earth pony - but it wouldn’t hurt to keep the fires kindled for a few more days.

Besides, the mare had done an excellent job on Gilda’s wings - the feathers felt cleaner than ever.

As she floated on a cold updraft above the Everfree Forest, she spared a glance towards the entrance to her cavern. She could see a line of Diamond Dog contractors making their way out with crates of rocks - that meant she still couldn’t go back. They’d probably be finished tomorrow.

It was strange to Gilda - as she’d gone about her morning business, she’d found herself missing the idiotic trio and Stevens breakfast pastries. She hadn’t gotten the chance to miss Trixie - she was being run out of town on a rail, the town’s mayor shouting something about trying to place a curse on a pair of colts.

Gilda just didn’t get that pony.

Below, a fox made the mistake of darting through a small clearing, focused on his prey - a small white rabbit. Gilda relaxed her wings, sinking through the air to build speed, then tucked them in for the sharp dive.

She struck the fox silently, plucking it from the ground and life in an instant.

Gilda skimmed the top of the fresh snow for a short distance, her tail skipping on the surface while she braked. She pulled up and landed on a large branch, taking it for her perch while she hefted the fox in one claw. Before she’d killed it had been living well - there was some fat on it’s sides and it’s muscles were full.

But no matter how strong a fox it had be, it wasn’t a griffon.

Gilda tore in much the way she’d seen ponies eat corn on a cob, thinking a little butter and salt wouldn’t be amiss. A pair of crows, black feathers stark against the frosty forest, landed nearby, patiently waiting their turns. Out of the kindness in her heart she was about to offer them the eyes - the tastiest part of a mammal, but she could spare them for the cute little scavengers - when a ponies voice broke the calm of the forest.

“ Angel? Angel Bunny?”

The voice was full of fear and the sound of galloping hooves crackled through the forest. Gilda froze as the crows flew off - she was covered in blood and organs and holding the half-eaten body of an animal. If anypony saw her, they were likely to scream murder even louder than Pinkie Pie had.

“ Oh, Angel! There you are!” said a familiar looking yellow pony in a large winter saddle and snowshoes, trotting into the nearby clearing. The little white rabbit ran over to her and hugged her closely, still shivering. “ Oh, Angel, I was so worried when I saw that fox! But you outran him, didn’t you?”

The little bunny shook his head. Gilda scowled, wishing she hadn’t saved the little bastard now.

“ W-what?” said the pony, looking to him. He mimed a bird swooping and being choked. “ Oh, a bird got him! T-that must be a really big b-bird! D-did you see whe-where it went?”

Oh great. The pony was shaking in fear at the mere IDEA of a predator.

The little rabbit gestured in Gilda’s direction. The pony looked towards her. Gilda flinched, wishing she had flown away and preparing for the worst.

“ Oh! Gilda!” said the pony, relief covering her face. “ Oh, oh, dear. I didn’t know you were around today!”

Gilda was confused.

The pony trotted over, Angel taking a position behind her. Gilda was sure she’d met this pony before, but where? She didn’t know many earth ponies. And the list of ones that wouldn’t freak out at the sight of her at the moment? Zero.

“ I-I’d heard you were around, but I knew you wouldn’t come see me. How have you been?”

“....uh....” was all Gilda could say, subconsciously swallowing a piece of kidney. “ Good?”

“ Oh, thats good to hear!” said the pony with a smile. “ I-I heard from Rarity that you’d been to her shop a while ago and had come in again to get your feathers dyed. I’m sorry nopony said anything, but don’t worry, they wouldn’t know it was embarrassing.”

“ Do I know you?” asked Gilda gingerly.

“ Y-you don’t recognize me?” asked the pony, looking a little hurt. “ Oh, but then you didn’t last time you were in town either.”

Ah, that was it. It was the pony from the market, the one that had been leading the ducks - wait, she’d implied they had already known each other before then. It just didn’t click.

“ It’s me, Fluttershy?” said the pony with a cute little smile, her eyes shutting.

It hit Gilda like a landslide.

Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash’s other friend, who’d she’d heard of so much in flying camp. Fluttershy, the nicest pegasus who ever lived, who had gone to the Everfree to take care of the wild animals when they got hurt. Fluttershy, the pony Dash had stood up for again and again.

“ Aw, fuck.” groaned Gilda, wincing. Fluttershy blushed. “ Uh, wait, sorry for swearing. My bad. I just, um, I’ve only heard of you-”

“- we met at Rainbow Dash’s cuteicena.” said Fluttershy, her head hanging down. She looked hurt. “ A-and we went to the same school.”

Gilda flinched.

“ A-and you dated my brother for a year.”

Gilda flinched again.

“ A-and you, um...we...um...”

“ Oh Discord, we had sex, didn’t we?” said Gilda, slapping herself in the face.

“.....I-I guess I wasn’t very memorable.” said Fluttershy, hooves shifting. She looked ready to cry. “ I-I didn’t do much, so I guess that makes sense.”

There was a pregnant pause.

“ So, how have you been?” said Gilda awkwardly, stowing the fox's remains in the tree. She hopped down and began to scrub herself in the snow. It was cold, but got her clean quickly. She wished she had some sort of sweater or a hat, as the snow was making her freeze.

“ Um...okay...I guess.” said Fluttershy, not looking up. “ I-I hang out with Rainbow Dash a lot....when she has time...and our other friends don’t need her....a-and I spend a lot of time...with...t....”

Her voice trailed off, growing quieter and quieter. Pretty soon, she wasn’t even making sounds.

With a sigh Gilda looked to the sun. The clouds hid it a little, but Gilda knew it was getting near lunchtime.

“ So, uh, Fluttershy, I have....a...thing to go to.” said Gilda awkwardly, wishing she knew how to soften the blow. “ And, uh, I kinda have to get going.”

“ It’s okay.” said Fluttershy, her long hair hiding her face. “ I’m not important.”

“ Uh, yeah, you, um, are.” said Gilda awkwardly, walking over and pulling Fluttershy into a hug. Gilda wished she wasn’t trying to comfort the poor pegasus - comfort wasn’t her thing. In fact, when one considered Gilda’s size and her collection of deadly appendages, she was incredibly poorly designed for comforting anything. “ H-how about I come by later? We can catch up.”

“ Oh!” said Fluttershy, looking excited. “ I-I have a cottage by the edge of the forest. I’d love to have you by, I never have guests! I mean, if it wouldn’t be a problem.”

“ Uh, no problem!” said Gilda with a nervous smile. She was not entirely sure what she was getting into - she cursed her pegaphilia at times like this. “ Uh, so what’s it look like?”

“ Its the one by the big chestnut on the hill. Do you know it?” asked Fluttershy, her large eyes wide and sparkling. Gilda nodded. “ Oh, I can’t wait! I’ll go make a seedcake - I know you like those so much! A-and I’ll go to Applejacks farm and get something to drink, I remember you used to drink alot.”

“ Uh, still do.” said Gilda, letting go. The pegasus was cheered up and Gilda supposed she had something to do with that - but glancing at the blood-stained snow nearby, she wondered if something was wrong with the pegasus - She’d gone from scared to happy to sad to happy in less than five minutes, all the time not commenting on what would drive the average pony mad.

But she was cute enough for Gilda to risk the crazy.

“ Come on, Angel!” said Fluttershy, trotting off. “ We’ve got a lot to do!”

As he followed, the little bunny looked back to Gilda. He pantomimed a breaking heart, then pointed at her and made a neck-slitting gesture. Laughing at the thought of being attacked by a bunny, she flew off.

“ A-Angel Bunny, you didn’t threaten her, did you?” asked Fluttershy as the rabbit caught up to her. The bunny looked away guiltily. “ Y-you’ve got to stop doing that! I-I lost my last coltfriend when you tazered him!”

The bunny gave a little “what” shrug.

“ H-he was just giving me a massage! I asked him for it!”

Angel Bunny gave her a “ yeah right” look and cracked his knuckles.

“ Ooh, Angel, you’ve got to accept that I’m a grown mare! I can make my own choices! Ooh, just promise not to hurt her too bad? You’re so overprotective of me.”

With a sigh, the little bunny crossed his heart. He also crossed his fingers behind his back.

Ditzy Doo was not one for celebratory loop-de-loops. While the average pegasus would have shown how happy they were with such an aerial stunt, it was more of a fact of life for the mailmare.

But as she came out of a dive and finally fixed her eyes so she could see where she was going, she couldn’t help but feel exhilarated, her new scarf flapping in the wind as her heart fluttered in her chest

She was a middle aged single mother. While she loved her daughter and wouldn’t trade her for any life, there was a loneliness that made it hard to get out of bed somedays. She wanted somepony to talk with after Dinky was asleep, to shop with, to hold after a long day of work. She was so jealous of her friends, who had been more fortunate.

But now she’d found somebirdy.

Gilda wasn’t what Ditzy Doo might have imagined in a lover. In fact, until she’d seen the griffon’s “morning wings” that day in the cave, she’d never even thought of a griffon in that way. She didn’t know what had possessed her to act so cute - mostly it was curiosity, to see if the griffon really was interested. When she’d left due to the embarrassing presence of the Diamond Dogs she’d found it hard to focus on her deliveries and had simply been forced to land on a private cloud and have a little “alone time”.

When Gilda had happened upon her.....

.....she could feel her life change.

She didn’t know Gilda well, but the griffon was this strange puzzle that Ditzy loved to play with. She could go from harsh to fluffy in an instant, was commanding of her yet kind, and had that strange stallionish roughness that made Ditzy melt.

When she’d fled after their first encounter Ditzy had been crushed, but learning the truth behind the matter....the horrible evil of that stupid-meanie baker and how it had hurt Ditzy’s big fluffy friend....Ditzy knew that there was more to them meeting than just chance.

As she landed in front of the cafe she was meeting Gilda in, she felt herself blush as she spotted the griffon at a table near the fireplace, knitting something new, her claws clacking. Ditzy didn’t know why she’d met Gilda, but she’d stay with her until she knew.

“ Morning.” said Gilda, noticing Ditzy trot over. The griffon gave her an easy smile that made Ditzy tingle. “ How’s the mail?”

“ Heavy.” said Ditzy with a grunt, setting down the letter satchel.

“ And hows the scarf?” said Gilda a little quieter, leaning towards Ditzy.

“ ....I haven’t taken it off since I woke up.” said Ditzy, closing her eyes as she took a seat. “....I can smell you on it.”

When she opened her eyes and saw the big griffon blush slightly, Ditzy felt herself melt again and thanked fate for letting her meet this wonderful creature.

“ Stupid Gilda.” muttered Pinkie Pie, trotting towards the edge of Ponyville. It had been a long trip from Manehattan, in the cold snow and raging wings, but she was almost home. “ I wish she’d never came back into town! Then I wouldn’t have had to....um....”

She sighed as her memories chided her. It wasn’t the griffons fault. It was her own. She’d gone crazy - AGAIN - and this time done a lot of damage. She was lucky she wasn’t in the dungeons of Canterlot. She’d paid for her crimes - working them off in a way she would NEVER do again - and now had her life ahead of her. She had to rebuild. She had to apologize - the Cakes had forgiven her but she still had to make it up to them. And she had to press on with her life.

She gave a little giggle.

It was what she did. She pressed on, no matter life’s hardships, and found a way to make it fun. She made things better, she made ponies happier, and she enjoyed herself. Nothing would stop her -

BAM.

Something ran into her, stopping her.

As she sat up from the snowbank she was in she found her friend Fluttershy doing the same, several bottles lying in the snow near them.

“ Oh, hey, Fluttershy!” said Pinkie, hopping out of the snow and helping her friend up. “ What’s up?”

“ Oh, um, nothing.” said Fluttershy, looking even more embarrassed than usual. She glanced to the bottles and began to scoop them up. Pinkie Pie went to help her and was stunned to see what they were.

“ Woah, Fluttershy, are you planning on throwing the animals one wild party?” asked Pinkie with a laugh, handing one of the Apple families stoutest whiskeys to Fluttershy, who put it back in her basket with the other concoctions.

“ Um, no, actually, a friend is coming over.” said Fluttershy with a blush, her wings twitching. “ S-she likes to drink, so I thought....I thought....um....and it’s been a while since I saw her, even though she’s been around lately....I wanted to give her a really nice evening.”

“ That sounds great!” said Pinkie Pie with a wide smile. “ Do you need any help preparing? Do you want to give her a full party? I could get -”

“ Uh, actually, I wanted it to be a, um, quiet dinner.” said Fluttershy with a blush. Pinkie Pie caught on.

“ Aaawwwwwooooohhhh, I get’cha.” said Pinkie Pie, poking Fluttershy in the ribs.

“ Oh, though there is something you could help with.” said Fluttershy, blushing so deeply the snow around her began to melt. “ I, um, said I’d bake a seedcake. B-b-but I don’t know how.”

“ Don’t worry, Flutters, your auntie Pinkie will help you whip one up!” cheered Pinkie Pie, leaping over the pegasus. “ And I’ll leave you alone with this special someone for your quiet evening. You have protection, right?”

The pegasus “eeped”.

“ Looks like we’ll need to make a side trip!” giggled Pinkie, grabbing Fluttershy and dragging her down the road.

Having placed their orders for drinks - a Manehattan for Ditzy and an amaretto with tabasco for Gilda - Ditzy and Gilda now sat alone to chat.

“ S-so Gilda.” said the pegasus, looking down. She looked nervous. “ I..I have a few questions. About us.”

Gilda resisted flinching. This was the point Gilda knew was going to be a problem. She’d never had a real relationship before - Dash had been platonic, despite Gilda’s efforts, and most of the other pegasi had been quickies.

“ Okay. Shoot.” said Gilda, placing a claw on one of Ditzy’s hooves.

“ W-what do you want out of us? I mean, what kind of relationship did you want?” asked Ditzy, looking to Gilda with those cute, unfocused eyes. Gilda found herself pausing before answering.

“ We’ll, um....see, I don’t really know.” said Gilda awkwardly, playing with a piece of yarn absentmindedly. “ I’ve, um, never really got this far before.”

Ditzy’s face lit up.

“ B-but, but, I don’t want it to stop right here.” said Gilda, looking to her claw on Ditzy’s hoof. “ I mean, well, the sex is awesome.”

Ditzy blushed and looked around to see if anypony had heard, but they were in a remote corner.

“ But, it was really nice to fall asleep with someone.” said Gilda, jostling her neck a little. She began to trace one of Ditzy’s hindlegs with her own, the soft pads between Gilda’s toes ticking the pegasus a little as it moved upwards. “ What were you looking for?”

“ The same thing.” said Ditzy, leaning forwards. Gilda found herself grow warm suddenly. The look of joy on the mares face was getting to Gilda. “ Okay, next question. W-what made you like me?”

“ Hmm....thats a toughie.” teased Gilda, grateful for the change in topic. She took her other claw and began to trace one of Ditzy’s wings. “ Besides your graceful wings, your cute little nose, and, well, you know?”

As she finished the comment she pressed her pads into Ditzy’s most sensitive spot, kneading a little. The pegasus nearly jumped at first but quickly let out a little coo, eyes drooping. Gilda was happy for the tablecloth that hid what was going on.

“ I think it was how soft you were.” said Gilda, tracing a claw along the underside of Ditzy’s neck, feeling the pegasus buck against her foot slightly as she did so. “ You were just so...”

The waiter chose that moment to return with the drinks.

With a sigh Gilda stopped teasing the pegasus, who looked rather flustered. She snapped down her wings as she and Gilda took their drinks, each taking a sip. Gilda smiled as the sweet almond-flavored alcohol mixed with the hotsauce in her throat, burning as it went down and giggled as Ditzy took a sip of her drink and flinched, her eyes knocking straight for a moment.

“ Trade for a moment?” asked Gilda with a smirk.

“ I don’t know....this is pretty good.” said Ditzy with a coy smile, swirling her drink.

“ Oh, give it here.” said Gilda with a laugh, swapping drinks. Ditzy took a sip of the amaretto and gagged, fanning herself as she struggled with the spice. With a laugh Gilda took a sip of the Manehattan.

Most of it she spit back out onto Ditzy.

“ WHAT IS THIS CRAP?” she shouted, looking into the glass. Ditzy looked stunned, as did the other patrons. “ Seriously, did the bartender just piss in this and hope we wouldn’t notice?”

“ Hey!” shouted the bartender, looking affronted. “ I’ve been making that drink for years without any complaints!”

“ Well, looks like I’m going to show you how to make it not suck!” said Gilda, slamming the drink down and standing up. She looked to Ditzy and gave a weak smile. “ Uh, sorry, could I, um, take this real quick?”

“ Go ahead.” said Ditzy with a giggle. Gilda leaned over and gave her a lick on the cheek, making the mare blush. “....hmm....doesn’t taste so bad coming off of you.”

Ditzy looked so embarrassed and aroused she might have died.

“ Alright, gimmie the bottles.” said Gilda, turning to the bar. The bartender scowled.

“ Look, lady, there’s only two ways you get back here.” said the barkeep with a growl. “ Either you have the job or there’s one heck of a musical number going on. And well, i have the job and I don’t hear no music.”

Gilda glanced to the side. A number of ponies took out instruments. The barkeep facehoofed. “ Is this really going to happen?” he groaned.

“ Key of G, please.” said Gilda, leaping onto the bar.