A Bartender in Equestria

by SilentAuthor

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Other, Romance, Adventure, Sex, Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, Lyra, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 43013

When Killian falls down a hole behind his Emerald Isles home he finds himself face to face with a new world that seemingly clashes with his sense of design. How does this bartending designer cope? Alcohal and Ponies of course!

The world is stark raving mad and these color schemes are going to make me rip out my own eyeballs.

Oh, Excuse me. My name is Killian Cormac. I'm a bartender, designer, and beard enthusiast. Well I was until a hole in some god damned tree poured my sorry Irish ass into this world of vomit inducing colors and inhabitants so damned frustrating I might just yank my beard right out.

Well since I'm stuck here might as well see what kind of hell I can raise.

UPDATE/EDIT: I don't want people to look at this story and expect a one shot clopfic read. I fully intend to make this a story of progression, love, and finding oneself just with a lot more humor than other stories like it. I hope my readers will enjoy a drawn out romance story with a true sense of discovery and though I do promise raunchy situations I don't want people to have the wrong idea.

NON SEXY SPOILER: First story in a long time, written by myself (Naturally) using events from my own life and the progression from being a scraggly nerd to a bearded outdoorsman dynamo with an unhealthy obsession for Celestias Sweet Musk and pastel colored ponies.

SEXY SPOILER: Features hot hairy irishman on pony action containing, but not limited to: Cunnilingus, Spanking, Drunken Makeouts, Flank Groping, Melodrama, Slow Sensual Lovemaking, and the misinterpretation of the word "Horse"

Don't forget to SMASH that like button if you enjoyed.

Published 2016-12-05 08:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-20 06:10:13 UTC

Chapter One: A Talking Horse

Author's Note

First time writing a new story for Fimfiction in... Well forever!

Chapter One: A Talking Horse

I slapped my face, drawing my hand down across it while I glared at the creature before me.

"You're a horse."

The tiny creature, though it did indeed look like a horse, was neon green. Well more like mint green if we're going to be honest. It stood a little over four feet tall and had bright golden eyes larger than they really should have been. The mane it had was short; almost comically spiked, and holding it's shape in the most unnatural way.

"Actually I'm a unicorn and please don't call me such a filthy thing. You are?" It asked, the voice strangely spritely and feminine, with a hoof waving in such a way that wasn't possible.

"Jesus Christ you're a talking horse."

The creature puffed it's cheeks out and it's snout crumpled inwards. I was seeing things, delirious, high off my ass, drugged, or dead. I stared moments longer, kneeling like a Russian Slav on holiday, before tapping its forehead repeatedly.

"You're a talking horse. A technicolor abomination and I'm evidently high off my mother-bucking ass." I paused as the word bucking escaped my mouth.

The creature began to shake mildly then more violently before one shaky hoof landed right on my chest and pressed hard.

"I'm a UNICORN you bucking asshole. And you're one to talk about abominations you hairless shifty ape!"

I pulled my hand away from my face and poked the thing right in its chest with a throaty growl.

"I am not an ape you horse midget!"

The thing was shaking so hard I could see blood vessels popping out of its face. Its iris' were pin pricks as its snout came dangerously close to my face. I smelled lime and caramels as it glared deep into my soul.

"Call me a whorse, one more time." Was the whisper with an unneeded "w" where horse was.

"You're. A. Ho-" I enunciated before a hoof hit the side of my face with such force that my entire body buckled to the left. Whatever power this thing was packing was evident as I felt my left side and my face strike hard ground.

A series of well calculated hoof punches found themselves on my head and my side as my inner mind screamed "You're getting your ass kicked by a horse midget". I wasn't a small guy by any means. Years of chopping wood, living on the mountainside in dead winter, and bar tending had turned me into the human embodiment of an Irish bear. Needless to say this thing had a crap load of strength and the feeling of the ground giving way under me was defining that fact.

"LYRA HEARTSTRINGS YOU STOP RIGHT NOW." Came a equally upset and feminine voice behind me.

The hoof hoof revolution fury storm subsided and I peeked out from under my arms to see yet another midget horse standing above me. This one was cream colored and had a mane of the most ungodly awful color pallet. Whoever thought Pepto Bismol Pink and Lavender went together needed to be shot. My inner graphic designer screamed as I watched the two colorful horses go at it in a "We're an old couple but still love each other for the grand kids" moment.

"He started it Bon! He called me a whorse!"

And there was that unneeded "w" again, like an "H" in Cool Whip.

"I don't care if he prodded your plot with a stick you don't beat up... Wait, what exactly is it?" The creamy horse said as its hoof seemed to point at me.

"It's an ugly ape apparently! Probably abandoned in the Everfree Forest, I mean look at it!"

I got to my feet and glared down at the two creatures, popping my gnarled hairy knuckles as I mustered the most ferocious glare I could. Nobody told me I was ugly and nobody sure as hell called me an ape.

"Call me an ape one more time you pastel-vomit-sorry-excuse-for-a-horse."

The cream colored one stood between me and my now ultimate rival as it pressed a hoof to my knee.

"Please, my marefriend here doesn't mean any offense. She just hasn't seen a creature such as yourself before. Can we get your name maybe? I'm Bonbon and this is Lyra." She said as she shoulder bumped her partner.

I let out a groan followed by a sigh like I was letting air out of myself. Even if I was drugged or dead was no excuse not to show at least some of the old family hospitality.

"Killian Cormac. A pleasure I think."

I extended a hand and all but enveloped the hoof of Lyra, shaking slowly as I maintained eye contact with the... uh... mare. Her hoof wasn't hard or brittle, but warm and somewhat soft. She felt like an oversized plushie like my youngest sister liked to keep.

Lyra beamed at me and closed her eyes, letting out some sort of "squee" sound from somewhere within her.

"Killian. I like it. So... what brings you to the outskirts of Ponyville?"

Ponyville? What kind of backwoods village name was that?

"I... uh... I'm not quite sure to be frank. I found this hole at the base of the old Klerni tree and stuck my head in. Kind of like that dumb lass from "Alice in Wonderland." Next thing I know your ho- I mean, marefriend is beating on me like a cunt egging for a bare knuckled victory!"

The two stared at me like I had at least grown a few more heads. Well at least Bonbon seemed alright talking to a strange creature she had never encountered before. I got back down on my haunches and looked at the "ponies" with new eyes. They were short compared to me, had coats and manes of the most god awful colors, and sure enough Lyra had a small horn perched atop her head. The eyes put me off though as they were at least the size of my open hands.

"Listen... Killian. I'm sorry I picked a fight with you but where we come from you don't meet a mare and immediately call her such a derogatory thing." Lyra quipped as she shakily extended a hoof.

I shook it warmly and watched with a wide grin when her whole body followed suit like yanking a toy around for a dog. I might as well enjoy this fever dream.

"My apologies lass, where I'm from that's just what we call your lot. Horses are everywhere." I said with a nervous scratch behind my neck.
I finally got a good look at my surroundings as well since I now had a quavering curiosity as to where I ended up when I fell through that darn hole.

The trees were tall and vibrant, encompassing the entire valley before me and half the mountain in the distance. Heck everything was vibrant, the colors permeated every single one of my senses and I soon found myself in a daze just taking it all in. The tugging of my jeans pulled me quick from my sensory orgasm however and I looked down to see Bonbon and Lyra both pulling on my leg.

"Really though Mr. Killian we should get you to Ponyville. Twilight can probably help you find your way back home."
Home. The emerald Isles. I was starting to wonder what exactly linked my drunken forest hangout to this fantastical neon world.

"Why not? It's not like I have anything else to do."

I stood up and shook the dirt from my beard, following behind the mares as they occasionally looked back at me. Where exactly was this place if I wasn't dreaming? Heck I probably hit my head or a angry critter hit me upside the head. Thinking that this place was a reality was as bad as Americans saying leprechauns were real. I chuckled to myself.

"What's funny Mr. Killian?" Bonbon asked with a smile.

"Oh nothing. Tell me, do you have pots of gold at the end of your rainbows?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Well no, the pegasi make the rain fall and then rainbows come from that. So... I'd say unless Pegasi put their bits in big pots I don't think there would be gold at the end of rainbows."

Pegasi made rainbows? This was a pipe dream that I couldn't have brought to life even if I was doing drugs.

The town came into view and yet again I was taken back by the... absolutely clashing scheme. There was a tree house that looked fine but then there was a weird looking bakery, a giant carousal, a strange white and jewel encrusted monstrosity, and the clashing scheme was enough to bring a visible cringe to my face.

"Everything alright?" Lyra asked as I stopped in my tracks as I inwardly foamed at the mouth and twitched.

"WHO IN DORANS ASS DESIGNED THIS CITY?" I yelled as I looked around to more ponies with even more clashing color schemes. The entire world was stark mad!

"I'm not entirely sure, but Twilight would!" Bonbon chimed as I was pushed forward by some unseen force.

I seriously need a frackin' drink.

The inhabitants of Ponyville stared with wide eyes and even wider mouths as I passed by. Some of the ponies didn't have that bad of color but others just screamed at me to get a paint bucket and do a makeover. How could they live with all of these clashing colors and conflicting building designs? It was enough to make any man scream!

"Well here we are!" Lyra shouted as we neared the tree house that I actually found appealing.

There was by now a circle of patrons staring at me, all of those bright eyes staring, drilling into my very being.

"Fháil ar ais!" I managed to yell as the attention became too much.

The crowd gasped and stared, more intent than ever into seeing the new oddity before them. I raised my hands to fend off the coming attack until a voice familiar to my ears came from the tree house.

"Oh hey girls, what seems to be the prob-"

I turned around to see a purple pony with deeper shades in her mane, a stubby horn resting on her head and a pair of fluffy wings nestled close to her side. First time seeing someone with a decent color scheme since my arrival thank God.

"Um... Hi?"

The purple mare took one look at me and fainted, her body hitting the ground as the entire crowd began to scream and disperse.

Lyra looked to the fainted mare then to me with her eyebrow raised in disbelief and annoyance.

"Good one ape."

I grunted a response and walked under the archway, grabbing the passed out purple mare and carrying her to a nearby couch. As I gently laid her down I could see her defining features, like her complimentary mane, her snoot, and the tattoo that all the dang people had on their asses.

Jesus this world is crazier than mine. We don't get tattoos on our asses unless we're really, REALLY piss drunk.

"Hey, Purple horse. Wake up."

My hand limply slapped the mare that I had laid on the couch as some purple and green lizard started to try and throw punches into my leg. The lil' guy was snorting and hollering, his green eyes wide with rage as he pummeled my leg with all the strength of a new babe.

"I'll get you! Don't you dare hurt Twilight!" He spat as he kicked my boot with his clawed feet.

With a sigh I turned around and resumed the Slav maneuver, staring into his emerald orbs with my own. His spine arched as he tried to stand tall; his fangs bared and his nostrils flaring with each and every breath. Had I not already learned that most of the things in... Equestria were harmless I might have been just a tiny bit scared. After all, the lizards in Australia were small but just as deadly as mythical dragons.

"I'm not hurting your passed out marefriend Barney." I chuckled to myself as my hand reached around the top of his head and gave him a solid pat.

"SHE IS NOT MY MAREFRIEND I'LLKILLYOUISWEARTOCELESTIA-" He fumed as he jumped up and down like a toddler getting socks for Christmas.

Bonbon cleared her throat as her sidekick chuckled with a hoof over her mouth.

"Um Killian? Maybe it's time to turn in for the day. If you like Lyra and I would be happy to have you stay at the sweet shop until Twilight wakes up from all of this."

I shook my head and stood up. The house was also a library and seeing all the books so well cared for brought a smile to my heart. I looked around a bit more and absentmindedly put my hand on the lizards head.

"Oi. Where can a guy shake the dew from his lily around here?" I asked as I looked around some more.

"What!? And my name is Spike you ape!"

I scoffed and looked back at the runt.

"Where can a man take a piss around here? Drain the lizard? Shake the dragon? Sprinkle the tulips?" I asked while Bonbons eyes widened at each of my quips.

"Upstairs to the left. Also that's creepy."

I shook my head and threw my hand in the air. While the three of them talked back and forth I had set my mind on taking a leak. Gods above knew it had been a while since I had and after drinking a quaff of Guinness it was gonna be a burner. I finally stumbled in, ducking my head under the archway as I noted the strange layout of the room. The toilet was very similar to ones humans used sans it being much, much smaller. Not one to turn down a challenge I immediately primed my musket and took aim. Careful, easy does it...

"TWILIGHT IS AWAKE!" Came an uproarious cry as the bathroom door flung open.

I screamed in shock, flinging my hips to the source of the sound and all but hitting poor Lyra with a stream of... well you know.

"What the buck Killian!?" Lyra roared as she jumped backwards, blocking the weakening stream with a shield conjured from thin air.

I quickly zipped my trousers and scoured under the sink for a cloth or something. Finally grabbing a towel I threw it into Lyra's face stopping only for a moment as the sound of heavy glass hitting the floor reached my ears.

Sloshing? Rolling sound? Could it be by Dornans Beard?

My eyes met the prize, the one thing that could pull me from this nightmare. Sweet, sweet alcohol.

"Lords thank ye!" I screamed as I whipped around and scooped the bottle of saviors tears off the dirty floor and hugged it close to my chest.

Sweet mercy and God's grace was here in my hands. I looked over the dusty bottle and gave it a loving clean up, wrapping my wool shirt over the label to see what godly contents laid within. Apple Brandy. Good lord there was something I could like about this world. I took the amber bottle and held it high like presenting the greatest treasure to Saint Patrick himself.

"Lyra! We have booze!" I yelled with enough force to shake the room.

Lyra stared, her eyes not betraying her fury and anger at her surprise golden shower.

"Good for bucking you Killian."

She grabbed my wrist with her magic and drug me down the stairs as I lovingly caressed the bottle. At the base of the stairs was one Bonbon, twitching and looking as if she might blow, one Spike with his claw foot tapping the floor, and one purple horse, who stared at me with wide eyes and a spatula pointed menacingly at me in her magical grasp.

"Oh. Hey there purple horse. Thanks for the brandy I really needed this." I happily stated with a wide grin.

The purple mares face suddenly took a deep shade of crimson as the spatula fell straight to the ground. Her eyes looked me up and down as she slowly approached the clop clop of her hooves growing quieter as she stood face to my chest.

"What did you call me?"

"Oh right, sorry purple uh..." I paused to discern if she was a unicorn or a pegasus. Maybe her parents were cousins? "Purple unisus... Yeah I think you call each other horse in the bedroom would I be right?" I finished with a throaty laugh.

Her face turned even redder as she wrapped her magic around the bottle.

"I'll have you know I'm an alicorn princess thank you very much." She grunted as she tried to remove my child from my hands.

"News flash purple smart, nothing gets between an Irishman and his booze. Not even an ali-whatever you are princess."

Her horn glowed brighter as we tugged it back and forth. Had to give the mare credit, her grip was as tough as mine.

"It's Alicorn!"

"Master says put the booze down HORSE!" I yelled.

Well that did it.

She bit her lower lip and let go causing my body to fling itself backwards onto the couch with a soft thump. Gloating in victory I jumped up and down, tossing the bottle through the air and dexterously catching it much to the amazement of my audience.

"Is he a Minotaur? A diamond dog perhaps?" The purple one asked aloud as her eyes followed the mesmerizing path of the bottle that I tossed in my hands.

"Hey, I don't call you a donkey so don't assume I'm a bull man or a hound. Horn dog maybe... but definitely not whatever you just said." I snapped back as I pulled the cork off the bottle to savor in the rustic scent of apples and brandy. The smell overtook me with happy memories of fall, lasses in blankets near the fire, a good strong smack on the ass in a drunken stupor. Bliss.

"Then what are you?"

I took a swig from the bottle and relished in the feeling of the fire burning down my chest with a hint of cinnamon. These ponies made excellent booze I soon realized as I took one more drink, then another, then another.

"I am a man! A true testament to the power of the Emerald Isles!" I roared while I pressed my arms together in the best weight lifter pose I could muster.

I strolled past the ponies as they eyed me with curiosity. They were so small, yet so intelligent. Dornans ass it was as if they were truly real and this wasn't a pipe dream. I stood at the side of the purple mare and gave her a wicked grin as I raised my hand and gave her flank a good hard smack.

"Giddyup princess." I growled as I shot her a deviantly teasing grin.

Her reaction however was far from what I'd expect. From inside her throat came a hearty groan, her back legs twitching slightly as her wings shot to their full length. Based on the horrifying stares of Lyra and Bonbon I had made a grave mistake. I looked at the purple one again as her mouth hung open, her eyes glazed as she stared into nothingness.

"Killian how drunk are you!" Lyra yelled as she looked away from us and crossed her muzzle with a hoof.

"Not drunk enough to-"

I trailed off.

I was drunk.

Not in my wildest dreams had I gotten drunk while in the dream.

This wasn't a dream.

I was in a technicolor nightmare.

Nobody knew what colors went with what.

I slapped a horses ass and made her as giddy as a slave at a BDSM convention.

I tipped the bottle up and drank the contents with wide eyes.

Shit.

Chapter Two: The Outcast

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter Three: The Point of this Tail

I don't remember falling asleep.

The surface of which I laid on was cold and hard. Not the most uncomfortable thing I had laid on but just close enough to make me wish I was sleeping on a bed of hay or grass clippings. The room was dark sans a small oil lantern suspended in the far corner but the light wasn't enough for me to adjust. I yawned and rolled back over, too tired and warm to care about my current predicament with a belly full of sweet sweet cider. I reached over and felt something warm pressed up against my side and this caused my mind to stir to near awareness. The thing in question was soft like a plushie but solid enough to definitely not be one. I felt over with my hand and tugged at soft bits of fur that radiated warmth like the body attached to it. My hand cautiously went up, disturbing the fur around it as I finally hit a bit of course fabric. Tracing further up I found a lace, which was pulled much longer than the other near it.

Oh no.

Finally reaching up I felt a solid object, warm like the rest of the body but hard and smooth.

OH NO.

With eyes adjusting to the dark I saw nestled into me was Maire, the young, er, mare that I had met earlier and danced a right storm with. Her face was scrunched up in an adorable grin as she pushed her back deeper into me and as her fur collided with my chest I realized my shirt was no longer on my person. Like mini bits of velcro my wiry chest hair meshed with the mare beside me bringing on one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life.

Which is to say I looked down to make sure none of my bits were out in the open touching hers.

Sure enough my pants hadn't been undone and my belt still firmly in place. With a sigh of relief I resumed cuddling the strangely warm creature with no regard for how we ended up in this strange dark place or the events of the night before.

"Well it's not like we bucked or anything." Came a soft voice followed by a chuckle.

My eyes shot wide so fast I swore my eyelids came off and flew back home. With a startled yelp I jumped, almost falling off the hard surface if not for Maire's magic enveloping me and putting me right back beside her.

"Mmmm... Good morning lover."

You did not feck a horse, you did not feck a horse. Only scotts feck animals those damn sheep feckers.

"Maire. What happened last night?" I managed to whisper as I heard rustling around me.

She leaned over and looked at me with one gorgeous eye as she giggled to herself.

Stop that.

She leaned up and stretched, pulling the sleeves of her hoodie back over her exposed hooves. It was a strange feeling; the borderline between drunk and totally aware was where I'd say I was at. Her eyes stayed on me as she let out another giggle before flopping on top of me. Whatever I was laying on creaked with that and I heard more rustling in the background. Panic was making its way up my spine but it didn't seem to bother me as my mind was captivated by the rituals of the mare waking up next to me.

Seriously stop that.

"Party was busted by the guard. They had you surrounded and I was sure they were gonna run you through till you were a pincussion." She began as the muddled memories in my head began to put themselves back together. "You offered them a drink, one of the newer guards accepted and within ten minutes you had them all drinking and dancing. I wouldn't be all that surprised if every able bodied mare and stallion in the town got hop-scotch drunk last night with you singing and fooling around."

I looked around the room at that and saw there were indeed a great many ponies passed out in the vicinity. Even Mac was leaned up against a barrel with his hooves wrapped around it as if letting go would spell his doom. A quick survey of the battlefield showed that every pony was out cold. What in the hell had happened that everybody got shlickered?

"Do you ponies usually get piss drunk or was this a holiday?" I asked as my hand went up to push my hair from my face. I seriously wished I had a hat right about now.

Maire looked around with a low whistle and shook her head. In the distance I could hear bottles rolling and the whining of ponies awakening with a staunch hangover. The lightweights were moaning and groaning as if they were injured in the line of duty. With a dutiful grunt and a salute I grabbed Maire and resumed curling up on the bar with a surprised squeak coming from the unicorn.

"Well well, not even going to treat me to dinner are you Mr. Killian?" She managed to whisper as I held onto her tighter.

"I'm cold and my shirt is gone."

She laughed and wiggled closer to me.

"That's because you tried making your drinking buddy wear it."

One of my eyes opened and a groan escaped my throat as I let a hand fly in the air.

"Mac! You wearing my shirt?"

A grunt could be heard near the bar and with a thud of hooves I heard my response.

"Ee-eurgh-yup."

"Did you vomit on it?"

Another slam of hooves.

"Eeyup."

Lightweight.

Well there was my only shirt in this godforsaken world. Of course as far as things getting worse from here things weren't so bad. Of course there was the fact that I was surrounded by ugly horses and not a human in sight. On the plus side however I was holding a toasty plush unicorn thing, everyone had smiles on their faces and I had gotten more plastered than I had at any time previous in my life. Maybe things were finally starting to look up for ol' Killian.

Of course I'd say that then the light of a thousand suns erupted through the door blinding me and half the population of Ponyville. Light erupted from every window and frame, blinding me so hard I fell off the table I found myself laying on and tossed poor Maire straight into the air.

"What is going on here!?" Came an uproarious cry that brought images of Galadriel from "Lord of the Rings" when she was given the ring.

Covering my eyes with my hand I walked towards the voice ignoring the shuffling and running of the ponies behind me, desperate in my hazy mindset to turn off the damn light. My hands met something hard, like a light switch and with a flick of my wrist I attempted to flick it off. The result however was far from what I expected. A resounding crash like thunder propelled me backwards into a soft body as we crumpled to the floor. With my fall softened I rose to me feet to see the light had dimmed and before me was a sight not even my grandfather could put into words.

I'll try anyways.

The thing before me stood level to my eyes, with wings unfurled like a great painting of feathers and cherubic glory. The white was so white that a setting of #ffffff wasn't white enough to describe the sight. Feathers scattered in near slow motion while the ponies all clamored to their feet and began to kneel as low as they could. Some even had their snouts in vomit I could see. Bringing my eyes back to the vision before me I made out a pony. If a pony was a blazing goddess. Her mane was all the complimentary colors of a rainbow sherbet and flowed freely in the wind. Her eyes were the most awe inspiring shade of violet I had ever laid eyes on, her walk was well defined, godlike even.

Something though was catching my eyes more so than her captivating and inviting beauty. Something I felt compelled, no! Something I had to do. I approached as the drunk guards fumbled to find their weapons, no means of stopping even when Maine was puling my arm with her magic.

"Don't do it Killian..."

I must.

"I'm serious." She pleaded, her iris' shrinking as I outreached a hand.

Just once, it looks so inviting.

"I'm bucking serious don't you do it!"

My finger pushed against the white goddess' nose, pushing in as my drunken smile spread like wildfire as I looked deep into her eyes and said.

"BOOP."

The towering pony stared unblinking as I continued to push millimeter by millimeter as I whispered "boop" over and over. Her snout was soft like a marshmallow and the warmth from her nostrils made me giggle in fits. I felt a presence not unlike a dark energy surround me as a blow to my good ol' boys caused me to buckle and let out an airy gasp followed by the most girlish scream a man could muster.

"I AM SO SORRY PRINCESS HE DIDN'T MEAN DISRESPECT HE'S DRUNK AND AND AND..." Maire all but screamed in hysterics as she repeatedly landed a blow to the top of my skull with each word.

A laugh, nay, a chortle pierced the air with the certainty of royalty and the joy of a schoolgirl.

"Did you boop the royal snoot my dear creature?"

I was enraptured, eyes wider than any Irishman before me as I stared at the goddess.

"Y-yes I did. Your snoot looks downright inviting if I do say so m'lord."

The creature smiled widely and lowered a hoof to raise me up.

"There is no need for that. My name is Celestia, Princess of Equestria and lord of the sun."

Lord of the sun? Is that fancy pony talk for lord of the dance or something? Because if so I'd show this young hussy who was the true lord of the dance.

"THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" I cried as I raised a leg and slammed it down onto a bottle which promptly rolled and forced me to trip backwards.

The resounding crash drove a couple of the guards and lads to chuckle uncontrollably. Even Celestia giggled as I scrambled to kneel before her. Gods above she was beautiful. I saw her smile and those eyes lord I'd have paid a top coin to look into those eyes like some desperate match of the century staring contest.

"It might be the booze your highness, but I'd worship your sun so hard if you let me."

What in the hells did I mean by that?

She giggled even more before bursting out into sunshine and daisies laughter. Never before had I heard a laugh that not only broke my heart but mended it only to break it again.

"My dear we must talk when you're not under the influence." She stated with a grin and a wink so fast I didn't know for sure if it had happened.

She cleared her throat as she looked to her guard.

"I expressly told you to bring him to the castle last night. I do not recall telling you to go and get drunk with him."

The guard shook, armor rattling as most tried to look away from the Princess. Again a sigh escaped her lips as her wings pinched the bridge of her snout before a soft chuckle followed.

"But I am always happy to see my little ponies making new friends."

Her eyes looked to me then to Maire who was blushing so fiercely you could swear her natural color was red.

"And even, dare I say, more than friends?" She whispered as Maire involuntarily twitched with a meek "meep".

"M-MORE THAN FRIENDS? HIM? ME? NO NO NO NO PRINCESS WE MERELY DANCED AND THEN HE GRABBED ME, wait... YES YES HE GRABBED ME AND MADE ME-"

"My little cuddle bug. And Gods be damned if you weren't the softest thing I've ever had the pleasure of having curled into this old bears chest." I said with a wink as I grinned at her.

Her face turned from shock to embarrassment to utter blind rage as she jabbed a hoof into my chest.

"I'm.Gonna.Kill.You.After.This." she whispered through her teeth as I merely grinned and swayed back and forth.

"Later lass, the princess and I need to have a little talky talk." I sluggishly replied as I ruffled her mane with my hand.

"Now princess! I do believe we were going to speak then were we not?"

Celestia grinned and wrapped a warm as summer wing around my back, walking me out of the bar as she nodded with a laugh.

"Oh I wonder my little creature what you'll sound like when you sober up."

A Short Walk Later

I was back at the library with the worst headache I ever had in my entire life. A cup of tea was in front of me as an ice-pack was magically held against my head. The library was quiet; Princess Celestia, Twilight, white regal horse, pink bounce house horse, Spike, and even Maire (Under request from the princess) sat on bean bags and sofas as we all silently eyed each other in the circle.

"So shall we start from the beginning?" Celestia whispered over her cup of tea.

The sound, though lovely, was loud enough to make me cringe myself into a super condensed speck.

"Not so loud sun pony. My headache is so strong it could kill Professor X." I whimpered as I drank more tea.

"My apologies Mr. Killian. I'm only curious as to how you got here."

My head throbbed and I sighed as I tried to use words only to fail miserably.

"Princess? If I may I have been working on a memory projection spell that might help with this." Twilight chimed in as her horn glowed momentarily to grab a parchment and quill.

"Mr. Killian? Is that quite alright with you?" Celestia cooed as she looked at me expectedly.

I'd shove a sausage in each of yer maws to stop talking.

"Aye. Fine, do the thing with your head penises." I groaned as Twilight, white horse, and Maire blushed deeply at my comment.

Too hung over to care about modesty.

I felt a twinge, then a sharp poke as my brain felt like it was on fire. Before me a screen materialized out of thin air and my own memories began to play.

Breen Oakwood August 17th 2014

"Are you sure about this Leslie?" I asked the fare red headed lass before me.

Her top was a simple tight t-shirt and her even tighter jeans left little to the imagination. We had been going out for a little over a year and things finally had progressed enough where we were ready to go to the next step.

Outdoors shenanigans.

"Of course I am you nilly, now come over here and take my top clean off."

"ALRIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT MEMORY." I yelled as I waved my hands over the lass removing her upper garments.

"Interesting. Were you going to drink milk from her teats?" Twilight mumbled as she took notes.

"NEXT MEMORY YOU DAMN HORSE!"

Lockes and Barbs Pub September 21st 2016

"Are you sure about walking home Killian? It's mighty cold for a September evening." Asked a man lumbering on his cane, a key dangling in bony white fingers as eyes filled with youth stared at me.

My back was turned and my collar on my plaid shirt was turned up to fend the cold.

"I'm fine Cole. Leave me be."

His hand went to my shoulder and I looked back at his sunken face with long whispy white hair. He looked old enough to be in the ground but to this day he ran the pub the same way he did when he founded it back before I was even a thought in a ballsack. Since longer than I remembered he was my guardian, my friend. To some he was like a father to me but I'd never admit it.

"You gotta let it go Killian. There was nothing that can be done ya cunt."He added with a half sarcastic, half gentle meaning

I brushed him aside as I looked to the forest before me. Surely there might be some young kid looking to mug someone, looking to make some cash tonight. If I was lucky that young punk would be my punching bag for the evening.

"Not now Cole. I have things to do, stuff to prepare. Affairs to... take care of." I said as I began my walk

"Till tomorrow Killian."

I merely grunted and walked on.

The forest took on an almost otherworldly glow as the moon shone overhead in all of her divine decadence. If only I, a lowly Irish bartender with no name and no fortune could be so grossly incandescent as the moon above me. To float high over the eyes of man to look down and smile at all of creation. That would be my deepest wish.

Too bad make a wish only applies to kids.

The forest was dead silent. The limbs of the trees nary even moved as I came to a small clearing where in the center stood the ol' Killarney Tree. The tree had been in the area for longer than even Cole lived. It was said to have been planted by the first Irish Sage and it held powers greater than any man could imagine. Though now it was a spot for the punks to come and spray paint all over her. Gang symbols and phrases too adult for me to remember littered her once majestic trunk. Leaves were stripped away leaving an empty husk of what once had been.

"Well old girl looks like it's you and me tonight." I whispered as I sat with my back pressed against it.

The tree said nothing. It's exactly what I needed.

"I don't understand what's happening these days. I wake up, I work, I take my medicine, I drink, drink some more, finish with a topper and go to sleep."

I stared at my gnarled hands from years of hard work and fighting.

"It's never-ending. Sometimes I wish this..." I tapped my own skull once.

"Would just take me away. I'm so tired of all the tests and all the people looking at me with pity. Just once I wish I could go somewhere where everyone had a smile and nobody felt bad for being themselves."

I placed my head into my arms as I shivered from the blasted September cold. The air seemed thicker than usual and through my right ear I heard the faintest sound of earth moving. I looked over and saw a hole at the base of the tree, maybe no more than three feet wide with no bottom in sight.

"Heh. What? You want a big man to fill your hole?" I joked as I stood and looked down at the hole.

"I'll humor you, ya old oak. I'll see how far deep this hole is."

I looked down and jumped, expecting to land not even a foot down.

Boy was I wrong.

"And that is how I ended up here. I fell for what felt like an eternity before I rolled onto a road and that bitch Lyra found me." I said as the image dissipated.

The others were staring at me with a face I knew all to well.

"I don't want your damn pity. My life is mine and even if I drunkenly wished for an escape I did not expect some old witch tree to throw me here with all of you." I grumbled with my arms crossed.

A hoof was placed on my shoulder and I turned to see Maire pressing herself against me.

"What did you mean when you..." Twilight tapped her head mocking the way I did in the memory.

I groaned and wished I had some booze.

"Cancer alright? I have cancer in my head." I huffed as I sunk into the couch.

The ponies merely stared, eyes blank until Celestia chimed in.

"What is cancer?"

Oh and they don't even have cancer here? Well yippe-freckin lala.

"It's a human disease. We get it in our heads and it eats us alive. Before you know it I'll be a crumpled husk wishin' for the sweet release of death." I managed to monotone.

Celestia nodded her head and took another sip.

"Sounds a lot like the mind rot the Saddle Arabians were studying a few years ago." She merely quipped.

"They found a cure for it here recently if I recall." The white regal horse said as she tapped her chin.

Awe yeah, go ahead and give me hope for a "cure" that's just what I need.

Celestia stood and wrapped a wing around Maire and I.

"I'm not saying it can help you Killian, but maybe I can send a letter to the embassy and see if there is a way we could arrange transport for you and your..." She paused and smiled, "Marefriend."

"I'M NOT HIS MAREFRIEND WE JUST MET!" Maire screamed as her body pressed even farther into mine. She was a cute one to be sure.

"Awe, you tellin me you'd like to be my marefriend lass? I was just about to ask too," I teased as her face turned into the deepest red I had ever seen.

"Killian. All joking aside if you wish to go home I can divert all of my research ponies to the task. Seeing your memory... It hurt me Killian." Celestia said.

Seeing the princess and goddess frown and look sad. Gods above it made ME sad.

"But, I would personally suggest maybe extending your stay here. Maybe if we can... we can find a cure for your cancer."

I thought long and hard. If I went home who knows what would happen. I'd go back to bar tending, fighting, drinking, and die alone just as my pa did before me. If I stayed here a bit longer maybe these crazy horses could find a cure. then I'd be a new man, free to do whatever I wanted without fear of drooling on a hospital bed with machines hooked up to me.

Would it be so bad to just try for once in my life?

I sighed and looked away from the princess.

"Supply me with booze and you got yourself a deal sun horse."

Celestia beamed with a smile and a slight blush as the human degraded her in front of her little ponies. Something about it... excited her.

"Very well. Then we will see to it that you are properly cared for and outfitted." She cheered a bit too jubilantly.

The ponies all went about the library and some left leaving me with Maire still seated next to me. She cleared her throat and looked at me to meet my gaze only to turn away.

"I see why you put on such a show."

I scoffed and leaned back in the chair.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

She leaned over, then pressed her head against me. Her warm fur made me feel... welcome. I felt as if maybe, just maybe, I could let down the ol' Irish drunk wall and talk to somebo- somepony.

Naw. She'll dump ya like the others. Best to keep your cock clean and your mind cleaner.

"You can... call me a horse anytime you like." She whispered with a chuckle.

"Shut up and get some rest." I chuckled back as my hands went to her mane, petting her gently.

Maybe there is something here for me.

She nuzzled into my hand gently and smiled.

"You know, I think Celestia was oggling your flank in those memories."

Triple shit.

Author's Note

WRITER SPOILER: Ha ha! you expected this to be a clop story with minor romance but it was me! Dio, the whole time! All joking aside yes. I do intend for this story to be humorous, raunchy, and sexy but if any people know my writing it's that I got to... throw a twist in. So now you have the premise, the cause, the journey. What will Killian discover in himself the next few REDACTED in Equestria? What kind of love awaits him? How will he survive without meat!?

Chapter Four: Plans, Booze, Hope, and Plot

"Yes Killian, touch me like no Stallion has the last thousand years!"

Say what now?

I huffed and looked down at the mare splayed under me. Princess Celestia, also known to me as Sunbutt, was splayed on the couch with her head resting on the arm of at the end. Her vermilion eyes stared at me as I knelt at the front of the couch, my fingers poking, prodding, and otherwise massaging her back left hoof as she giddily giggled like a gosh darn preteen. Her twitches and squirms, while making the other ponies in the room look away uncomfortably, caused me to roll my eyes and wish to Dornan that I could be spared this hell of a fate. How I ended up stepping on a goddesses hoof and apologizing until she "puppy dog eyed" me into giving her a hoof massage was beyond me in my now sober state.

"Ohhhh yes... Right there please Killian please."

Gods I wish the cancer would take me now.

Her hoof left my hand as she peered at me with one eye hidden in her lustrous mane. With a simple spell I was hoisted into the air and dropped onto the cushion in the middle of her where she draped a wing over my shoulder with a giggle.

"You are so good with those hands of yours. Perhaps you'll consider staying here? I know a world of ponies that would pay you top bits for those hands to be all over them." She whispered as she trailed a feather across my still bare chest. Though I was sure that any stallion in my shoes would have died of blushing I merely found myself laughing at her tickling actions.

"Um... Princess? I was curious if perhaps the poor dear might need some additional clothing?" Regal white whispered as her blush seemed to lighten with Celestias sigh.

"Why would you ask?" I questioned as I pulled myself off the couch to stand among them.

"Well... I mean... the uhm... the tips of your teats dear. They seem to be um... pointy."

I looked down and noticed that among the auburn forest of chest capitol two little pink hills had ascended from the dark depths. This brought a deep hearted laugh from within me as I looked down at the white mare and ruffled her amethyst mane much to her protests.

"I would indeed like my shirt back if my damn drinking partner hadn't tossed his biscuits all over it." I said with a sneer. The damn apple drinking fuck didnt even give it back when I left the pub.

It hit me that I had been walking around town and sitting with the group completely unclothed from the waist up. Not to be bothered by such things I lowered my arms and flexed as hard as I could for the mares and of course Spike. His head raised from his comic book as he whispered.

"Dude, that's creepy."

Of course the mares stared at me, who wouldn't stare at Killian Cormacs gun show? The reactions though were mixed. Twilight had her quill out and was fervently sketching it seemed, Rarity had tape out and was immediately sizing me up, and Celestia... well let's just say her face was PG but her eyes were "AO"

Damn sun horse sizing me up. I'm not a scott for fecks sake.

Maire however was the most peculiar. She stared momentarily as she looked me up and down. Her eyes had no sense of wonder or even care until she bit her lip and pulled her hoodie over her head with her magic. Though practically all the ponies I had seen wore no clothing she wore hers since I had seen her. Seeing her fur ruffle as she pulled the hoodie over her head... it did something to me. I felt a strange warmth in my gut not much different from having a belly full of mead, but deeper, like... down in my lower gut.

I'm not good at explaining any of this.

Her fur was ruffled at her shoulders and under her neck, hair disheveled, hooves fluffed up at the tips. It was a good look for the mare. She smiled and looked away as she hovered the hoodie to me. With a mumble of incoherent nonsense she placed it into my hands.

"It's um... enchanted. You could probably wear it until Rarity makes some new clothes for you."

I smiled and nodded my head in thanks. I pulled the hoodie open and unzipped it before slipping my arms through it, marveling as the fabric seemed to grow additional fabric to cover my frame. With magic like this back home fat people wouldn't feel nearly as bad when they tried to stuff themselves into outfits.

Be nice Killian.

It was soft and bits of the mares fur was inside the sleeves making it a tad bit itchy. Other than that though, it fit like a glove and was incredibly warm and soft.

Now as I looked at the naked mare a few thoughts began to surface.

Though I'm not into feckin animals I was overly accepting of the new creatures that took me in.

Furries went to the Ballsbridge hotel in Ireland in these bizzare costumes and genuinely enjoyed each other, so who was I to judge.

Damn this hoodie is soft feckin christ she may never get it back.

When a guy gives a hoodie... wait was she? Nah, probably not.

Damn she's awful cute when she's flustered.

"Oh... thank you Maire, it is incredibly comfy. Only one problem though."

Her eyes went wide as a pout formed on her lips.

"It smells like a piss drunk irishman." I said with a sneer.

Her hoof was in my gut before I could blink and when I doubled over her lips were so close to my ear I could almost feel the tuft of fur under her chin.

"You're my whorse now boy."

Damn this lass has fire to her!

She smiled and let me go with a giggle as she silently apologized to the witnesses. In my mind I saw her as a fiery lass, a temper to face off against my own, an equal so to speak. Perhaps I was expecting too much of her, putting things and thoughts were they didn't belong.

"In any case dear, I'll try and have a fashion line out for you by tomorrow morning." Rarity said as she bowed, rolling the tape and gear back into her saddlebags.

"I... I appreciate it. Thank you." The words pouring from my mouth had little snark, little room for ulterior joking.

Weird.

The ponies single file lined out of the library. Last of all was Celestia and Maire. Celestia approached with her wings extended, a smirk on her face as she leaned in to press her muzzle to my neck. The feeling was borderline euphoric, each bristle was warm, each breath was warmer still, and yet it was all there was.

"I do appreciate the massage Killian, perhaps if I were to sprain a hoof again I could call upon you for assistance." She said with a wink which sent a small shiver down my spine. The kind of shiver you get when a bog witch blows ye a kiss or when your mother says you need to talk.

Gods above her beauty really does hide the suns fury.

The door closed and I suddenly noticed the eerie quiet that followed. I had known Twilight had to go back to her castle or something to that effect and as I looked to my sides I soon found my company was the company the silent part of me most enjoyed. Books, books as far as my eyes could see, all kinds, big books, small books, some as big as my head. I chuckled and dug my heels into the ground before swinging myself a full 180 degrees to spot two big eyes staring at me.

"Maire? What are you still doing here?" I questioned as I jumped just a wee bit.

Her eyes sparkled as her tongue left her mouth and blew a raspberry at me.

"Well big shot, I don't have a hotel for the evening and you're wearing my only warm clothing." She said almost too matter-of-factly.

I scratched the back of my neck and felt the warmth of her hoodie encompassing me like the suns rays themselves.

"So Twilight asked you to stay here for the night?"

Her laugh broke the silence of the library.

"You think I'd give a flying buck what she says? She's not my princess. I just figured instead of sulking and doing the oh whoa is me I'm a sick little human routine maybe you'd like some company that's still among the living."

I snickered and ruffled her mane as I got her into a gentle head lock.

"You better watch that feckin tone missy or I'll wash your little pony snout out with soap."

Her blubbering only made my noogies harder.

"STOP IT YOU MINOTAUR MUTANT!"

I released her with a laugh and pushed her to the couch. Her legs hit the ground first and she lowered herself as if to attack me.

"I don't know where you're from Killian but to hit a mare such as myself is considerably rude."

I snorted and lowered my stance with outstretched arms.

"Well I guess it's a good thing I thought you to be a stallion first off."

Her eyes narrowed and with a resounding battle cry she lunged at me with horn aglow. Her white body swung around me in a wide arc as one hoof struck out of my field of vision, hitting my in the ass as a triumphant cry echoed from her maw. Hurt as it did to have a direct attack on my proud buttocks I rounded an open hand and grabbed her mane, pulling her to the side and managing to twist her around with my free arm and pinning her to the ground. Victory for the just! Ireland never loses! But her eyes immediately shown her own battle plan as for the second time in the day my lost boys were immediately tapped with her left hoof.

"Give it up boy, one solid buck and you'll be out like a timber wolf in a wildfire." She sneered with a look clearly gloating at her victory.

I'm not gonna let my boys get fecked up again no siree.

"Ok, ok! You win Maire the mare." I chuckled as I fell back on my ass while she let out a victory scream.

"Nopony has ever bested me so... nothing personal kid." She said with another eye roll.

I shook my head and stood up, waltzing to the couch and flopping back into it. Maire took the opportunity to jump on my lap with a chuckle as she pressed her head into my hand.

"You may touch the royal mane." She pronounced in her best sun butt imitation.

I sighed and let my fingers course through her soft mane. It was too soft, impossibly so, and my ministrations elicited a calming sigh from the mare.

"Killian. consider it incredibly rude but I have to ask you," she began as she covered her muzzle with a hoof. "Why do you have teats?"

I groaned and noogied the base of her horn as I scratched my chin.

"No clue, no care."

"Alright geeze Mr. pony tight lips." She stopped for a moment and I felt her eyebrows raise up.

"What is it like where you're from Killian?"

Oh great, another freckin sore subject.

"People are cunts. They take and take, they fight over stupid shite, they continue to badmouth each other, nobody wants to work or do anything, and the lucky ones get the entire world at their fingertips while the rest of us have to deal with cancer and The UN's crap."

She giggled and nuzzled into my hand.

"Sounds like a paradise to me." She joked.

"Oh sounds like I got a little masochist." I muttered as I pinched the tip of her fluffy ear.

"Hey! Watch that hand mister. I'm watching you." She said as a spoon magically waved itself menacingly at me.

"Oh gods no! Please don't spoon me!" I said with a fake faint that almost knocked her from my lap.

She chuckled and leaned up against me as her warmth passed through the fabric of her hoodie.

"You know, you're not half ugly when you wear my clothing." She teased as I felt just the faintest heat enter my cheeks.

"And you don't look half ugly when your naked."

She glared at me with a huff and resumed to press her hooves into my ribs.

"Ha ha asshole. Seriously though; tell me about your culture, where you're from."

I nodded off as my mind continued to make my fingers pet her.

"Ireland. Isle of hope, isle of tears, isle of freedom, isle of fears, but it's not the isle I left behind. The isle of hunger, isle of pain, isle I'll never see again." I recited with a grin remembering one of my favorite childhood songs. "It's beautiful and hideous all in one. A place where people care and don't judge ye for getting paddy drunk and wearing a dress."

She snickered and allowed me to continue.

"People think we're all about green and leprechauns but we're nothing like that. We grow potatoes, brew the best beer this side of the world, and we genuinely care. There is nothing I really hate about my home it's just..."

I trailed off as some precious locks in my mind shook from years of ignoring.

"Killian?"

I shook my head and stared at the wall.

"It wasn't easy being there. Pa was sick with cancer, he smoked more than any man I had ever seen and if he wasn't chewing his pipe he was chewing me out." I said with a chuckle. "Ma was a waitress in ol' Colarneys pub. She was the lass of everyone's eyes. She could sing... Oh lords above! She used to sing me to sleep. She'd scrap enough money while pa worked the dock. He was a fisher and one of the best if one could say."

I waved my free hand in the air and clenched my hand into a fist.

"Even with the cancer my pa was a fighter. He could throw a punch that could poke a hole in space itself."

I could see Maires' eyes widening as I described his true punch.

"He was a bare knuckle fighter when he wanted to be. Not much like they were in the old days but my father liked to pick fights with the tourists and the young lads around town. He'd walk from our town to Dublin just to get a drink and see the scenery. Didn't even matter that he'd seen the whole country a million times he'd walk all the same and appreciate the smallest blade of grass the old coot."

"Dublin?" Maire questioned quietly before closing her maw.

"Dublin, tourist trap but not that bad of a city. If you go to Il Fornaio you can get some of the best coffee and scones on the whole damn island. More than anything though people went there for a taste of the big city life. I like my pub and I like the hills so that is exactly where I stayed. We do..." I began with a deep chortle, "We do have some of the best songs and limericks."

Maire opened her maw and closed it before a smile fell across her face.

"Tell me one."

I laughed and scoured my mind for a raunchy rhyme.

"There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!"

Maire stared blankly before a fierce blush flooded her face and her mouth opened in an "o" before closing in a muffled fit of giggles.

"Ok, ok... Now sing me a song of your people."

I tensed up and looked down at her with a half hearted scowl. I was never one to sing, I hadn't inherited ma's singing ability and my father sure as hell couldn't hold a tune to save his life. But looking into those damn eyes I found it hard in my heart of hearts to deny the young mare.

Damn these ponies and their eyes.

"Fine, but you owe me a series of stiff drinks if I do." I growled under my breath.

Clearly happy with her victory Maire jumped from my lap and sat in front of with her head facing the opposite wall.

"I'll even make sure not to stare in case you get stage fright."

I rolled my eyes and stood feeling the first bit of nervousness I had since the time I saw a girl without her darned shirt on.

Get on with it!

In Dublin's fair city, where the girls are so pretty
I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone
As she wheeled her wheelbarrow through streets broad and narrow
Crying cockles and mussels alive a-live O!

A-live a-live O! A-live a-live O!
Crying cockles and mussels alive a-live O!

She was a fishmonger and sure it was no wonder
For so were her father and mother before
And they both wheeled their barrows through streets broad and narrow
Crying cockles and mussels alive a-live O!

A-live a-live O! A-live a-live O!
Crying cockles and mussels alive a-live O!

She died of a fever and no one could save her
And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone
Now her ghost wheels her barrow through streets broad and narrow
Crying cockles and mussels alive a-live O!

A-live a-live O! A-live a-live O!
Crying cockles and mussels alive a-live O!
A-live a-live O! A-live a-live O!
Crying cockles and mussels alive a-live O!

I felt myself swaying to the song, pa and ma would sing this song together and I had heard it so many times in crowded pubs I basically bled the damned song. But nevertheless it was a song I could sing either piss drunk or sober as sand. Though perhaps a sad song it was jubilantly sung by lad and lass alike into the nights of those cold days. It was kind of like a story, well hells, it was a story.

"That..." Came a quiet voice near a whisper.

I opened my eyes and found Maire staring at me with wide eyes. Nervousness clashed over my like a wave from the sea and I could feel my face heating up as her shocked expression gave way to a smile then a gleeful gaze.

"I do gotta say Killian, you slay those tunes when you're not drowning in cider." She added with a wink as she continued to stare.

Damn dreamy eyed horse trying to usurp my throne with her damned pony witchcraft.

"Still a better singer than you." I shot back as I ran a hand through my hair in a majestic show of pride.

"What did you just say?"

I turned with a grin and was greeted with a pair of furious eyes inches from my own. Maire was standing upright on two hooves as she leaned in close to me. Just like before when she gave me the hoodie a deep feeling of dread washed over me as she pressed a hoof to my chest.

"As long as you wear MY clothing and as long as you owe me for embarrassing me and just being a general ass I will always be better than you. Got it?" She finished with a poke to my chin.

I merely nodded as my cheeks flushed with blood.

Fire? Nay this mare has a bloody volcano in her!

Maire fell back onto all fours and sported a giddy grin as she jumped onto the couch.

"Good, glad we got that settled then. Now as it is getting awfully late... perhaps you should go get ready for bed. You know where the bathroom is and the bedroom is just down the hall from there."

I assumed she was taking the couch and with a shrug I trudged upstairs and opened the bathroom door.

Not made in mind for six foot tall humans.

The shower was downright tiny in the most comical sense. With a little luck I found the head of the shower to be able to move on a hose and pulled off my dirt covered trousers.

The last article to come off my body was the hoodie. The mirror offered a good glimpse of myself from two days of fooling around and for a moment I paused as thoughts of home permeated to the surface and made their sorry way to my eyes.

Damnit all to hell.

Cole wouldn't be worried about me. He had a business and I had a habit of running away in the past. My uncle wouldn't give a shite since the death of my ma and with pa in the grave I really had nobody else to think of. My exes remained as that down the road and part of the cancer had forced me to distance myself from anyone lest they learn of my predicament. Dornans ass hair I was a right sorry mess.

But I was not a weepy mess.

I took a deep breath and removed the last article of clothing before sitting in the bathtub with my knees to my chest and turned the water on.

All in all... it wasn't a bad bath.

Back in the foyer

Maire laid on the couch with a scowl scrunched on her face. With Killian out of the room she had been able to get a much more level head. He had been pushing back every time she confronted him and his blatant disregard for royalty was infuriating to say the least. His carefree demeanor and seeming magical ability to make the ponies around him comfortable was alien to her in concept.

Yet the aspect of his sadness, of his acceptance of his demise, and willing choice to outwardly show arrogance and rudeness was all to familiar to her. She lowered her head into her hooves and blew air across the fluff at the base of her hooves. She was terrible at the so called "friendship of magic" almost all the ponies she came across were nice enough yet they seemed fake, forced even in their attempt to be "good ponies." The novelty of kindness had grown tiresome to her and that was when at a young age she set across Equestria as a musician. The music and the joy she brought was real and seeing the ponies having such fun was enough to get her through the day regardless of how many bits she had or the nights she spent under a bridge.

"I'm an outcast..." She muttered to herself as she buried her head into her hooves.

Surely Killian had been able to see through her attitude as she had seen through his.

Uncertainty flooded the young mares mind as she remembered over and over that he didn't know her, and even with all the talk of his life she didn't know him. She didn't know if he was indeed from a faraway land, she didn't know if he had this... cancer. She knew nothing about the strange biped and in some sense she found the thought exciting.

She had traveled for a long couple of years, she had seen so many things and yet in the end each thing she witnessed belonged to something, to somepony. Yet she belonged nowhere, to nopony. She sighed again as she played with a ball of fuzz that she gingerly had removed from Killian's chest fur. He was so strange, foreign, yet so much like a pony that a small filly deep inside of her was frightened. Yet Twilight, Celestia, and the others just... didn't seem to care.

"Would he want me to go with him on this journey?" She absentmindedly asked herself before a blush furiously settled in.

A chance at an adventure to a place she had never gone before, an opportunity to see and meet new ponies, new creatures, learn new music and new magic. Celestias grace the thought was making her twitch. She wouldn't be an outcast because she would be with someone like her!

Then doubt. Was he like her? He seemed like it... Yet she wasn't sure.

She stood from the couch as she heard the bathroom door open and close before sucking in a big breath and letting it out. Her mind made up, she trotted towards the bedroom with a look of sheer determination.

Back at the Irish font of doom

I sat at the edge of the bed with my pants pulled back up and only slightly damp from hand washing them. Surely Purple Einstein wouldn't mind if he washed his clothes in her bathtub. It was odd, almost felt like home where I sat. the bed was smaller than what I was used to but if I curled up I'm sure my big arse would fit.

In my mind I heard my accent thicken from nerves, a trait my mother so lovingly passed onto me. It wouldn't be long until my words were so muddled people would think the sickness had gone and made me dumber than a box of rocks. Nerves were going crazy with the promise of a possible cure and the even greater worry that maybe just maybe... I didn't want to-

"Killian?"

I snapped upright and stared at Maire as she entered the room with her hoodie draped around her back. Her eyes were filled with... something. Something dangerous and also exciting. I had no intention of saying a damn word as she got closer and closer until she was at my knees. Before she could open her mouth she poked at my pants and sighed.

"Did you bathe while clothed? I knew you were dumb but not that dumb."

I groaned and turned away from her.

"I washed them alright? You're the one that said I smell like a piss drunk Irishman."

She laughed and slapped my knee.

"Wrong again, it was you that said my hoodie smelled like that ergo you smell like that."

Damn, foiled again by the damn mare.

"So... why are you here Maire?" I asked innocently.

Her blush said more than words could ever say and I found myself throwing red flags and stop signs in my head.

"I want you to consider taking me with you if you have to go... on a journey."

"I'm not gonna fe- wait... what?" I whispered in bewildered shock.

Her eyes lowered and she let out a sigh before standing tall.

"I'm not gonna tell you my life story and I'm not going to ask for pity. I just... I WANT to go on an adventure and I thought... maybe..." Her voice quivered as she lowered her head.

"Maybe you'd take an outcast with you."

Her words and posture hurt me. Legitimately made my heart go "aaaaw." I extended a hand and roughed her mane. It wasn't what I was expecting but... Having a pony around for the ride wouldn't be a bad thing.

"Well I'm not so sure why you think I'm going on a journey you kooky mare. Sun Butt said she'd delegate and see if they could send the cure here." I said with a chuckle laced with nervousness.

Her eyes told me the story but her mouth reiterated.

"Saddle Arabian magic can't be used outside of their country. Even if Celestia delegated you'd have to travel there."

My heart sank but swelled nonetheless. I was... thirsty for an adventure.

"Well... you think that damned horse would have told me this when she asked me to stay."

Maire felt her heart thump hard as he looked down at her.

"I suppose... maybe... if ya-"

I stopped as I felt the familiar softness of Maires hoodie wrap around my neck and tie itself in the back. I pulled the sleeve and noticed it resembled a scarf and the Maire tying it looked at me with unbridled conviction.

"You have to now. As long as you wear my hoodie and owe me..." She looked down again in the damned cutest way.

"You have to take me with."

I blinked a couple of times before falling on the bed turned on my side. The look in her eye betrayed her fear but with a groan I patted the edge of the bed.

"Well make yourself useful and keep me warm then. I'm no good to you sick or dead."

Her eyes lit up and a smile exploded as she leaped on the bed and snuggled close to me.

"You won't regret this Killian."

Oh I'm sure I will.

My mind flooded with doubt and fear as I reached around and pulled the mare close to my chest. A journey? What if I didn't have time? What if I ended up harming someone along the way? Was I strong enough to do this in a place I did not know? My inner Irish bastard warrior buckled under the weight of the doubt and I found my heart sinking as I let out a quiet sigh.

"Hey Killian?" Maire all but whispered.

"Yeah?"

Her silence was uninterrupted in the room before she let out the quietest of giggles.

"I'll protect you."

Author's Note

Longest chapter yet and I'm incredibly pleased with how this chapter turned out. Have some feels people and look deep into the character development. LOOK AT IT.

Chapter Five: The Part where we Weep, Drink, And Blush.

All in all things could have been a whole lot worse.

How do these damn ponies sleep?

Maire was nestled against me with twitching hooves as she mumbled random bits of gibberish under her breath. At some point the unicorn had pulled the blanket over us and thinking I was asleep had erupted into a fit of muffled giggles. Though she was warm in the beginning she was an inferno now. In all retrospect hpwever I naturally ran hot but not like... er, that. I tried to pull an arm away and found her muzzle nipping the make shift scarf on my neck and pulling me back in. Not saying she won the fight but I was far too tired to wrestle the young mare into unconsciousness.

The moon here was beautiful though. Like the one back at home it was large and white, its omnipotence broadcasting its divine light for all to bask in and enjoy. I may not look like it but I swore to myself that deep down I'd have made a fine poet.

"If only I, a lowly Irish bartender with no name and no fortune could be so grossly incandescent as the moon above me. To float high over the eyes of man to look down and smile at all of creation. That would be my deepest wish." Came a whisper that was my on voice but not my own.

Oh that is right creepy.

I leaned up and looked around the room before swinging my feet off the bed to poise myself for a fright and a scream.

Wait why didn't Maire wake up with me?

The answer to my internal question was quickly answered when I turned around to see myself still laying on the bed curled up with the twitchy white horse. Of course the scream I was preparing for managed to escape me like a lobster in a boiling pot.

"Be silent human Killian, thou have no need for fear in this place." Came a voice so soft it could be visually interpreted as silk.

The source of the voice materialized out of the feckin shadows which led to yet again a very unbecoming screech. A deep navy blue alicorn manifested a few feet away from me with a soft smile, her deep blue wings unfurling and curling back into herself as she turned her head to the side while she curtsied. Her mane flowed with the ethereal grace of Celestias but instead of rainbow sherbet this ones mane was soft and filled with twinkling stars from parts unknown.

How do they do that?

"We do so by pulling our front to the ground of course. Unless thou meant our mane in which case it can merely be scratched off as magic."

CAN THE STAR HORSE READ MY MIND?

Her gently smile turned into a frown as her infinitely deep blue eyes rolled in their sockets. A discernible "tsk" could be heard as she trotted over to my side and looked at my and Maires sleeping forms.

"Thou look absolutely adorable when thou slumber. Like a young colt having his first dream." She cooed as she poked the other me in the face.

"Stop that, you'll hurt him... I mean me?"

The whole scenario was screaming "Inception" and I felt my head throb trying to piece together what the bloody hell was happening.

As if to answer my question the entire room focused on a speck of dust and sucked itself into oblivion leaving the alicorn and me in a vast space of utter nothingness.

"A dream. We have brought thou into the dream realm so that we might... converse."

The star maned mare was starting to get on my nerves just a tad. If this was indeed a dream then could I swim in a sea of alcohol?

"It may burn but we do not see why not." The mare whispered as the entire space was suddenly filled with the dark fizzy liquid I had immediately thought of.

It was Guinness. I was standing on a sea of Guinness like an Irish Christ.

I licked my lips and leaped into the air with a victorious cry of jubilation. I'd finally get to live my dream of swimming in sweet sweet nectar, fill myself until I was nothing but a chortling mess of giggles and fits. As I fell down towards my prize however the seen shifted in such a way that I was suddenly overcome with nausea. I fell flat and hard on a wooden floor that seemed all to familiar. It was my old home... It was...

Oh no. Not here.

The mare stood at my side with eyes slowly widening. The room was the kitchen where my ma and pa would often have a meal in peace after I had gone to bed as a small child. Sure enough I saw my father enter the room as he sat on a creaking stool with a long hard sigh. His shaggy oaken hair was tossed carelessly over his shoulders and in his face. Like this he looked near death, tired and sore with only his holy flame to guide him.

A loud clank brought me out of myself and the vision of my father shifted to him slumping over the counter with a half empty bottle next to him.

Gods no pa. Not tonight.

He didn't listen. His sunken green eyes lingered on the bottle as he took another quaff straight from the source.

"Hey dream pony. Take me out of here. Please." I all but whispered as my father took another long drink.

My fists were balled into fists so hard I could feel my nails digging into my palms. I had this dream almost all the time and every time it ended the same way.

"This isn't a dream is it Killian?" The mare whispered as she held her head low.

"No."

My father looked up to where I was standing but his eyes were not on me. His vision was glued to the door that led to my bedroom. and like I had all those years ago I was leaned against the door out of sight and quivering like a scared babe. My father was a drinker but not the kind to hit me or abuse me. Later on in years I could have easily taken him but I never needed to. My father was abusive to only one person and that was himself.

"I don't deserve any of this." Came a low growl behind the bottle.

No pa. Don't do this.

His eyes looked to the walls of the house, checked each plate and every decoration mother had brought with her to make the house a home. I knew what he was seeing because I too had seen what he did then. I wanted to share a drink with him and then throw the damn bottle across the room. I had for years and every time I had this feckin dream the feelings rose anew.

"Human Killian?"

I remained silent as my father placed his head into his hands and wept silently.

"It was the sickness. He always had a smile on; always a stern word or a pissed off rant, he'd joke and dance and make sure everyone who deserved it had a stupid grin on their face." I began as I sat next to him with the "dream" bottle in my hand. "But when he was alone and when ma was working late at the pub this is where he'd be. He'd drink and drink and drink some more until the pain was gone. Feckin fool he was."

The mare lowered her head and turned to the door that my father constantly stared at.

"Thou was a child. Thou saw the darkness in the heart of thine own father at such a young age." She whispered as the sound of the glass hitting the counter caused her to jump.

"I was a man before I could walk. I had to be so my family could survive." I growled.

My face softened, my hands brushing the dreamscape away as I stood up with a sigh and felt the threads of the world I was in bend at my command. It was odd and to describe it would take time I didn't have. I laughed though, my mother used to tell me about "lucid" dreaming and how one could control their own dreams. Funny how now I was finally able to accomplish it.

"Do you drink... moon horse?" I asked behind me as the room slowly took the shape of ol' Coles pub.

The mare merely stared in awe as I sculpted, pulled, and molded the bar into a near perfect representation of what I had left behind only a few days ago. The bar had nicks from stabscotch and five finger fillet games, scuffs from sliding drinks, and little love letters or notes carved in from years of use. I remembered it oh so well, for years my fingers had inspected every indent and every crack on that bar top.

The mare trotted to the bar and awkwardly sat on a stool, her blue eyes not leaving me as I turned around to grab assorted bottles and tools from the shelf behind me. It felt oddly like the real thing sans the only thing missing was the...

"Music."

The sound of a flute and fiddle filled the room much to the surprise of the moon mare. Warm joyous sound washed over my feelings of sadness and fear as I took two distinct liquors and threw them into a shaker. It was one of the reasons I had continued to work at the pub for so long instead of pursuing a trade or a profession. No matter how hard life got I could always feel better making drinks for friends and partaking in them myself.

Sighing to myself with satisfaction I poured the contents into a martini glass and slid the mix the the wide eyed mare across the counter from me.

"What pray tell is this?" She asked while gently sniffing the contents.

"It's a Starlight Cocktail. Normally takes quite a bit more time to make but you know," I said with a wave of my hand as a glass of brandy materialized out of thin air into my hand, "Dream magic and all that damned garbage."

She took a tentative sip before her eyes widened and almost seemed to sparkle.

"This is magnificent Human Killian! It has been centuries since we have tasted such a delicious confection!"

I chuckled and leaned against the counter while taking a sip.

"Trust me if I made it in real life it wouldn't be even classified as delicious I'm not good at cocktails at all... but dream magic and whatnot."

I placed a hand on the bar and stared at the mare as she almost chugged the drink in one sitting.

"Also it's just Killian. Not Human Killian or Bartender Killian or anything else for that matter. Just Killian."

She smiled and pushed the glass back to me with a tap of her hoof.

"Another. And we would like to be called Princess Luna, not moon horse or otherwise."

I snapped my fingers and the glass was filled. No use doing all that work for a dream I imagined.

"Noted, Luna."

She drank some more at a slightly slower pace as her eyes surveyed the room I had created.

"So that memory is one that has haunted thou?"

Stay out of my feckin head.

"We most certainly will not for it is thou that hath summoned us to this place."

I felt my eye twitch at that comment. I hadn't done a damn thing except get drunk and maybe make a friend with a creature as dense and as rude as myself. That in itself was borderline impossible in my book but there were far stranger things happening.

"By the way, any reason you talk like some posh royal?" I asked while I myself took a drink wondering if one could get drunk in a dream.

"What, would ye' rather we talk like some paddy drunk cunt?" The princess asked with an almost perfect female capturing of an irish accent.

I let out the longest laugh I had in a long time. The mare merely smiled and bowed slightly while we remained basking in each others strange company.

"Though, you don't seem too surprised at our coming here." She mused as her hoof traced the edge of the glass.

My mind cracked for a second and the sound of people filled the room much to my and the princess' surprise. Cole was walking past me, his hands grabbing bottles and dirty glasses with the dexterous skill of a man a quarter his age. My eyes widened as more and more faces filled the pub and the sounds of my city overtook the sullen mood that was present only moments ago.

"Did thou will this?" Luna asked as she frantically looked back and forth.

"No. It just sort of.... happened."

The people seemed to not notice our presence at all. The pub was alive with talk and music but something seemed so familiar about it, so very familiar.

"Mr. Cormac?"

I spun around and saw a balding man that was almost as round as a barrel sitting in front of me. I recognized his clean cut pea coat and his glasses that were too clean all the damn time. His toothy frown and jutting under bite reminded me of exactly what was about to happen.

"Doc! Glad you could come and have a drink!" My voice cried as a perfect reflection of myself wandered to the man and slammed a tankard in front of him.

"For the good news!" The other me growled through a chuckle.

Doc wasn't smiling. His eyes were small and almost black, sunken into his comically fat head as he pushed his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose. I remembered smelling the faint scent of cleaning solution and cognac on him as he sat there with his hands running over each other out of sheer fear.

"It's... it's not good news Mr. Cormac. We need to talk."

The other me was already too far gone on brandy and song to even notice what was about to transpire.

"Oh come on now! It's not bad news that I'm gonna be sticking around for the rest of my life!"

Cole raised a hand and cheered as did half the people sitting at the bar. Doc however went back to staring at his glass as a sigh escaped his lips.

"The tests were positive Killian." He said just loud enough for the real me to hear.

"What'd ya say?" The other me laughed.

Gods it hurts to watch this.

"Positive." He said slightly louder with a quiver in his voice. "You tested positive Killian."

The room went quiet, the people slowly disappeared into wavy shadows of their former selves. Only the doc, my other self, and Luna remained.

"Killian?"

I cleared my throat and felt my hand clench the glass as I chucked it as hard as I could at the other me who wore a face of shock, fear, and anger.

"I was a damn fool. I set up a feckin party because I knew one hundred percent that I was fine. Doc came in with the god given grace to tell me the truth."

The other me faded along with doc as the bar began to melt like a Van Gough painting. Luna looked solemn, almost deadpan serious as the room faded into nothingness leaving only the stars and the empty void that had filled me at that exact moment in time.

"I stopped caring after that. I drank every night and every day. I put on a grand show of it, making sure my father could be proud of me. I dumped my girlfriend and sold half my shite. Two months later I fall into a hole and pop up here."

"So your life became a sob story." Came an all to familiar voice.

Oh no feckin shite.

"Maire! How in the hell did you get in here?" I groaned as the white unicorn trotted to the side of a now scrunch faced Luna.

"Magic of course. I mean we are sleeping in pretty close proximity of one another, and here the others thought you were the smart one."

I groaned and slapped my head.

"How long were you watching?"

She grinned momentarily with a giggle.

"Not that long. I got lost between the doors labeled Kinky Wet Dreams and First Time Riding a Bike."

My eyes narrowed as I pointed a finger at Luna.

"Don't suppose you went off adventuring into my thoughts?"

She looked wide eyed at me then to Maire.

"We would never!"

Yeah right, these damn ponies are voyeurs for christ sake.

"WE MOST CERTAINLY ARE NOT!" Luna boomed loudly for such a small pony.

"Well I don't know about you," I mumbled while glaring at Maire, "But you I'm pretty sure went digging around.

Maire merely grinned as she licked her lips.

"Just a little. I didn't see anything I liked though, you're entirely too boring." She stated witha raised eye brow.

Is that a challenge?

"No."

"GET THE FECK OUT OF MY HEAD RIGHT NOW!"

Luna giggled as did Maire at my reaction.

"Oh you won't have to worry about that. I should be getting ready to kick you off the bed in three, two, one."

Explosive pain shot through my head as the dreamscape promptly vanished to a wave of blinding light. Pain upon pain echoed through my skull as my hand grabbed the first thing it could latch onto so I didn't tumble to my doom.

Wow that is SOFT.

A scream came from the bed as a white and blue blur flew off with me and landed right on top of me. The weight alone knocked the air out of my already stressed lungs and in a moment of pure adrenaline fueled panic I wrapped my arms around whatever was dragged down with me.

"Killian? What are you..." Maire started to say as her eyes fell down to my red as an apple face.

She was on top of me, legs splayed out and around me as my arms clutched her with no desire to let go. Granted the reason was adrenaline and fear, but judging by the look in her eyes she thought it was a drastically different one. Empty night though... Her eyes were peering down at me in such close proximity I got lost wandering in them. A horse was locking me in some kind of magic voodoo siren song amalgamation death trap!

Whew try saying that several times fast.

"You pushed me." I whispered

"I sure did."

"So I feckin grabbed the closest thing near me."

"My tail." Her smile widened as she arched an eyebrow.

"And then you fell on top of me." I managed to say a bit louder.

"And here we are." She all but cooed.

We laid there. I wasn't sure what the hell to do at this point because any and all contingency plans my Batman like brain had conceived were lost in the orbs of the mares eyes. Her chest rose and fell, each breath pushing her warm soft fur into my chest, each shift of her hooves dragging even softer bliss across my burly arms. It was all too much and without warning I received a mental message from central command in the south wing.

"Shite." I managed to squeak.

"Oh that doesn't sound good." She giggled as she propped her front hooves off and pushed, immediately lowering the leverage of her flank to-

"Quadro-shite."

That's when she screamed.

Author's Note

To this day having a gal almost call me Gob-shite is singlehandedly one of the best comebacks I've ever heard. Congrats to Ireyah for calling me out on my sass.

Whew, really was looking forward to writing this chapter out. What the hell was Moon Arse thinking? Looks like Killian may have gotten more than he bargained for when he was sent to Equestria.

Next chapter is the start of a grand adventure! But still no sign of the psychopath Lyra

Hmmm...

Chapter Six: A Sticky Situation from the Start

Quick Authors Note: So I'm aware that my story may be raunchy, dirty, crude, unprofessional, and overly stupid. I'd be lying and sundering the great name of my Lord Jon De Lancie if told you it wasn't intentional. I'm having a hayday with this story the likes of which will leave stallions hard and mares dripping in the rafters for centuries to cum (see what I did there? No? Shut up) That being said this particular tale was supposed to be a quick "get it off my chest" soiree it has grown in my heart and my mind enough that I want to continue and make something great. It may not be a "Moon Phased" and frankly I am glad for this. I'll probably never write something as pure and sensual as that tale but I can write what I enjoy. Overly dumb Irishman and ponies that find the word "horse" strangely unsettling is what I'm doing because it makes me happy and it makes me laugh once I've had a few glasses of burgundy at my desk. Anyways, let's see how our two love birds are doing, hm?

Somewhere outside of the Dreamscape

"IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?" Maire screamed as she made little effort to get off of the top of me.

Houston we have been cleared to raise the platform.

I was pinned under a squirming warm mare and she was making no effort to simply move. Being a simple Irishman I was focusing my entire reserve of god like energy to try and NOT make this any more awkward than it already was.

"Y-yeah sure looks that way." I managed to rasp out as my hands shot to the hips of the feckin lass.

Maires' eyes stopped and became pin pricks before settling on the man under her. He was holding her taught yet gentle and her eyes lowered, lowered still until they stopped at his navel. There was no way he was meaning for this to happen, it was because she rolled back a bit right? Right?

"So um..." She whispered as the presence pushed against her.

"Yeah?"

"Didn't think that... this was gonna happen."

I nodded my head and tried telling the boys downstairs to abort operation "shake the dust off." As any good man would know, sans a eunuch, the little lever was horribly bad at staying in the "off" position when a different hand was taking control. The hand in question however was the twitching and wriggling hips of Maire as she clearly panicked at our new predicament.

"You..." She trailed off as she stopped moving and scrunched her snout.

What in the bloody hell is she thinking about?

I felt her lower herself more as she pulled her hind legs off the ground that was bracing herself a fraction of a micrometer off of me. Her hips fell and her legs were over my sides as my mind shot REDCON 5 warnings to the rest of my body. the little men in my head that had been on vacation for the last two months suddenly sprang into full gear and shot my entire being with those oh so wonderful sensors that make everything so much more apparent. Her smell, her sweat, the so subtle way her cheeks were flushed.

BOYS THIS IS THE PRESIDENT, I DEMAND WE SHUT DOWN THE OPERATION IMMEDIATELY!

"Wow."

The president in my head, along with the thousands of workers stopped as those words were received in my head.

Wow?"

Maire had her face still scrunched as she scooted back a mere fraction of an inch and then forward. She buried her head into the fluff of her chest as she closed her eyes as hard as she could. Killian was hitting a very tender spot on the mare and a part of her, though scared as a filly cornered by a timber wolf, was excited beyond all reason as to what she was feeling.

"Would..." She began as she looked down into her chest fluff. "You like some..."

Lass if you say it there is no way in the nine hells that "Mr. President" is going to be able to stop operations!

Her eyes locked on mine and my entire being froze. They weren't the same eyes she had when she had been a vicious volcano or when she was a drunken cuddle bug. These were eyes with purpose, eyes of fear, eyes of adventure, and eyes that were seeing past the walls I spent years building and into my bloody soul. Her ears flattened against her head as she drew closer, lowering her front slightly enough to relieve the pressure on the challenger. Her scent, a bit of brandy, some cinnamon, and a ripe granny smith apple, hung in the air as her lips parted and a small pink tongue whetted them.

"Wouldyoulikesomehe-"

"Well good morning dear how did you sle-" Came the voice of Rarity as the door opened revealing our "sticky" situation.

The white unicorn stared first at me with a fierce blush before seeing Maire in her very suggestive position. I had never known any creature to be able to change their entire body color but the two of them were redder than red.

"R-rarity?" Maire whispered.

"Oh... oh my. Did I interru-"

Rarity didn't even finish before Maire ran her through the door and slammed it behind her, leaving me alone on my back with the most confusing wood I had ever had. I shook my head vigorously and gave myself a right slap in the face before inching to the door and pressing my ear against it. As weird and childish as it was I needed to hear what was going on.

"I'm so sorry Maire, I was just coming in to give him his new clothes and I see... well I saw that."

I chuckled as the groan that resounded was surely Maires'.

"Rarity. I'm going to make this abundantly clear. Nothing happened between Killian and I. We were merely in the middle of... wrestling."

There was a pause and I rolled my eyes from the humor of it all. More silence followed before I heard what sounded like tapping on the ground. More hoof clops then a whisper followed by another one. The last one I caught the tail end of however as I felt my entire body push against the door.

"Almost- best time of- wow-" It was all sort of muzzled until the very end when I could hear Maire raising her voice a tinge in what sounded like anger. "And if you ever interrupt what could have been the best release of my life I'll skin you alive and wear you as a coat."

Wow, looks like she is not happy with Rarity. Ergo, she's not happy with me!

I looked to my left and saw a second bathroom conveniently located in the bedroom where my fine lucky self resided in. The sounds of the mares approaching the door sent my already "ready" body into overdrive as I vaulted over the bed and into sanctuary with a click of the doors lock. Sweet escape was mine as I listened intently to the two vile demoness' pace around the room in confusion.

"Killian? I brought you some clothes dear." Rarity announced as I heard hooves stop right at the door blocking me from certain doom. My heart beat in my throat driving my mind into a hazy fog of fight or flight scenarios until it was calmed with a sigh followed with a chortle.

"Hey Killian... Rarity brought some stuff to cover your ugly mug. When you're done do us a favor and come down for breakfast."

My face felt flushed and my hands clenched into fists as I searched my brain searched for the perfect comeback to the fiery mare that was starting to get under my skin.

"You liked it!" was all I managed to mutter.

Silence followed by nervous tapping.

"You did too, I felt it." She shot back with a wane in her voice.

Well blast it all to hell she wasn't lying.

"Shower. Be down soon and don't get my hoodie wet."

I grunted an affirmation and let out a sigh of relief as the bedroom door closed with their convenient exit. I stared at the wall and put a hand to my chest where she had pressed down before we were interrupted. the spot where she pressed was still warm, and as I moved the flattened hairs that would normally curl off my broad chest I felt strangely happy. Of course then as I took a tentative sniff something else caught my attention.

"Oh gods don't tell me."

I have to wash my pants again.

The library foyer

"Well I do say Maire, it sounds like it could have been quite the exciting trip you'd have taken had I not stumbled in." Rarity mused as she hovered a tea cup to the blushing mare across the couch.

Maire took a sip and tried her best not to remember what had decided to come from the depths as she was on top of Killian. He was strong and seeing his dreams had concreted any doubt she had in him as a person. She had seen his childhood through his dream doors. She had seen his father whither away and his mother pass as well. It was almost too much at the time but no matter how many times she tried to leave his subconscious willingly she was knocked back in by some unseen force.

"With all due respect Ms. Rarity? Buck off." She muttered as she swirled the tea cup.

Rarity smiled and put a hoof over Maires'.

"Now now dear. There is no reason why you should be ashamed of Mr. Killians appearance. He's strong, sculpted like a jade and good lord." She said while fanning herself. "His warmth. He was radiating heat like a dragon!"

Maire bit her lower lip as she recalled the now two times she had curled up with the human. He was indeed warmer than anything she had ever lain with before. His chest thrummed when he breathed and the feeling of his arms holding her was intoxicating to say the least.

"He is warm..." She agreed quietly as she sipped on her beverage.

Rarity hummed and looked to the books in the room.

"Why do you want to go with him dear?"

The question shocked Maire so suddenly she almost dropped her tea.

"To learn new magic, some new music, maybe make some bits along the way." She muttered to her hooves.

"Is that all?"

Maires' mind was screaming and nothing came from her mouth. Yes! I want to spend more time with Killian and learn more about him! I'm sick of being alone and he'd make a good friend!

"Yup. Just need Killian to agree to letting me tag along." She mumbled again.

Rarity hummed and tapped her chin with her hoof.

"Well I hate to barge in just to run but Spike and I are going to the hills to mine some gems." Rarity proclaimed as she trotted to the door with a glance back to Maire.

"Perhaps you should talk to him darling."

Maire jerked her head up just as the door closed behind the element of generosity.

"Maybe... maybe I should."

She took a large gulp of the tea and turned back to the main room. This would be the second confrontation but one where she had to talk. Just talk and hopefully Killian will listen.

One ice cold shower later

I knew Maire was outside of the bathroom door leaning against it because I was too. Feck it all I was the one that had my body ignite it's thrusters. For no reason other than embarrassment I had resigned to sit in the bathroom and stay there until... something happened.

"You out there Maire?"

A clop against the floor was all I needed.

"You angry at me?"

A sigh was all I could hear along with a light brief sniffle.

If I made that mare cry I'll be the one to kick my own ass.

"No. We kind of got into an awkward situation and... I didn't help." She whispered through the door.

"You? HA! I could barely keep my hands off of you and you have the gall to say it's your fault?" I chuckled before seizing my own mouth in my hand.

What the feck did I just say?"

I could hear a giggle and the door vibrated with her laughter.

"Well I was the one that went into your dreams ya know."

It's true. She had gone and hopefully seen some of my more proud moments in bed or otherwise. Lord above I had an entire safe in my mind under lock and key for all of the terrible lays I had been apart of. Though it wasn't everyday a creature was able to see my dreams in the first place. I was coming to the relaization that all of this should have been freaking me the hell out but it wasn't. Maybe it was my thoughts on my life coming to an end. Maybe I just drank a little too much.

"I'm sorry for that by the way. I didn't mean to intrude it's just." She paused and I could hear her nervously shifting her hooves.

"I haven't had the best luck with stallions or other male creatures. I'm always on the road looking for a new adventure and a new song to sing. Truth is I'm not exactly a go-getter when it comes to making friends of either gender. So when you showed up two nights ago swinging and dancing and enjoying my company it was a shock."

I chuckled.

"Well imagine me lass. I'm an alien in an unknown world and I walk around like I own the feckin place. Call it nerves or fear but I haven't been a right good guest."

It was her turn to laugh which made my entire being smile.

"Well let me be the first to say Welcome to Equestria." She said as the door opened and I rolled backwards into her lap.

My head was in a soft as hell place, her eyes were peering down at me with a sense of joy that I had never seen before on any one person. She didn't even flinch or ask me to move, almost like she planned it. As if reading my mind yet again she giggled and covered my eyes with her front hooves.

"Don't worry big guy, I'm sure someday you'll be on top."

Her voice trailed off and I could hear her voice catch in her throat.

"So... that thing."

I bolted up and threw my hands over the front of my pants. A fierce blush like wildfire had spread across my face as I did my best to not look like I was hiding my shame. Maire was a nice girl, er, pony and south command hadn't gotten the memo that she wasn't quite the same species. But there it was, making me feel like a right ass for turning away from a nice gal.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." Came reassuring words as she pressed a hoof to my back.

"If it means anything to you Killian, there was a moment when I was on top of you that..." She paused and took a deep breath.

I turned around and looked at her while she stuttered out garbled nonsense.

"Maire, if you're feeling nervous or something trust me I understand." I tried to say reassuringly more for myself than her.

"I really thought about y-your. Well it was nice and I u-um..."

Oh bloody feck why am I gettin worked up just from her talking?

"You have a nice t-tool. Would make any mare happy. I-it's good."

MR. PRESIDENT THIS IS SOUTH FACILITIES WE ARE CLEAR FOR TAKE OFF AT YOUR COMMAND.

She was blushing and shaking so bad I had to say something, do something. My body seemingly moved on its own as one hand went to her head to pet her and my face drew closer and closer to hers. When she opened her eyes they went wider than I had seen thus far and her lips quivered the closer I got.

"You um... You fight good." came my own heated whisper that caused her cute lil' ear to flick.

WHAT!?

She stared at me and blinked a couple of times like her brain had just been shut off. I felt like a right idiot and my mind was abusing me on the inside for the nuclear fuck up. Her eyes closed and she shook her head before letting out the loudest and purest laugh I had ever heard. Her eyes watered and mine did as well as we both fell into each other and laughed for what seemed to be an eternity. Finally though she opened her eyes and looked at me with a soft smile that accented the lovely mares eyes better than anything else.

Some people may believe in love at first sight. I think their idiots but there was no denying I felt attraction to this mare. She was a fiery lass with an attitude and musical talent. Maybe I'd give it a chance, but no sooner had I thought that when the fear of the sickness killing me slowly each day crawled into my mind.

But what if there is a cure?

I had no idea about this world and from the sort now pile came the prospect of traveling through an entire world with a magic using mare and nothing but my mixing skills and my strength to help me. Were there wars here? Was there racism and hatred? What kind of government did they run aside from the princesses, were there kings and queens? What were their rules and mating and courting? Good lord did they have toothbrushes!?

I shook my head pushing the thoughts into the sort later pile.

"Well if you think I fight so good maybe you'll never be on top." She hissed with a fake punch to my chest.

"Well I enjoyed you being on top today." I teased back with a bit more energy directed to my words.

Her smile widened with a subtle blush as she covered her snout with a hoof.

"Get dressed you smelly drunk. Princes Celestia is meeting us at the train station to organize our little adventure."

I reached over to the paper sack with my new clothes and looked behind me to see Maire sitting where I had left her.

"Do you mind?" I asked as I took her hoodie off my neck and smiled wickedly.

"No, not at all." Came her curt reply.

I smiled viciously and threw her sweater at her with all might might, the resounding smack shaking the windows the the room. As the hoodie was pulled off with her magic the eyes of Lucifer himself gazed at me from under the guise of an adorable pony. Maire stood and trotted to the bathroom where I heard the faucet turn on.

Oh no.

She came back, her hoodie drenched and rolled tightly into a whip. With a satisfying crack Maire looked to me with a wicked smile that would stoke the furnaces of hell.

She held in her magic a weapon that all men feared. A weapon to end and all bring all. A tool for utter destruction when used in the right hands and Maire looked like she was a third degree black belt in its use. No fear had been inside of me more than seeing her take one stp forward then another with a mixture of sultry grace and demonic purpose. My voice caught in my throat as I felt magic anchor me in place as the dangerous creature stood only a foot away from me.

"Where do you want the first welt Killian?" she asked with a snap past my ear.

"Your chest? Your back? What about elsewhere?"

DEMON HORSE DEMON HORSE DEMON HORSE.

"The princess can wait, I think I need to teach you a few manners."

Shitesville.

Author's Note

2am upload folks. Whew I've been on top of popular for a few days now and it is exhausting

Or kinky

Well folks you got a taste, an inkling, a single liquid thread of wood-inducing hope aaaaaaaand...

I TOOK THAT SHIT AWAY BAM!

Damn that Regal white cock block :duck:

Chapter Seven: Bashing Twilight and Lore

Several screams and chase scenes later Maire and I were solemnly walking down the dirt road of Ponyville making our way to the train station. My hair was a mess from her pulling at it with her magic while she had attempted to whip my arse. The chest was one thing, I had the chest fur to provide cushioning against the attacks but my arse was a definite no no zone. I was given a new pair of black pants that Rarity assured me in her note were water, dust, and food proof. Though a little longer than I would have liked the extra height I gained from the fabulous boots she had crafted kept the bottoms of the legs from touching the ground. The final piece she had made was by far the strangest. I'm the kind of guy that likes flannel and button ups, most of the time over another shirt or open faced if I was after the ladies attention. Rarity in her infinite wisdom had opted to make me a solid navy blue button up shirt that was enchanted to automatically and perfectly fold the sleeves up when I wished it. To finish my new look, which I wasn't sure if I despised or not, was a simple tie that was black as my new pants.

I hate ties.

Maire on the other hand looked worse for wear than me. Her mane was a mess and a small bruise shown through her fur on her flank were I had slapped her as hard as I could to stop her from hurting the twins. She had told me a million times I didn't need to wear her hoodie when she dried it off but after some choice words and a chase around the library I had succeeded in convincing her to let me wear it over the new set of garb. Not because I wanted her to feel good about it mind you, it was just that being so posh when inside I was a cussing, drinking, flirting, home wrecking bastard made me feel like I was lying. At least wearing the hoodie made me feel a bit like my true self.

"If you ever, ever try to bite my ear again Killian I swear to Celestia I will find a way to make your remaining days among the living worse than any torture they can put you through in Tartarus." She hissed as her right ear flicked back and forth in the breeze.

Awe yes, pony hell. Religion how I missed you!

"I told you it was spur of the moment! You can't really expect to have a chase and expect a guy to not be a little feral."

She rolled her magnificent eyes and hoofed my leg.

"Ponies have flat teeth, you have sharp ones. I'm surprised you didn't take off my ear."

I laughed heartily drawing stares from the ponies around us doing their business. Growing a daring smile and seeing them staring a mischievous plan was put into motion in my twisted pea brain. Turning around I threw my hands into the air and waved my fingers about before pointing at the loveliest couple I could find. The purple stallion and his cherry red partner widened their stare and jumped as I lunged at them

"Beidh mé ag ithe do císte agus urghabháil do adharc!" [I will eat your cake and seize your horn!] I yelled as I gnashed my teeth together and swung my head like a mad dog with rabies.

I never got to see them run, one moment they were there and the next a dust cloud replaced every pony around us. Naturally Maire had her face in her hoof as she let loose a string of expletives that made me blush.

"Do you have to alienate yourself from every creature you meet?"

I put my hands behind my head and looked down at her with a soft smile.

"What can I say Maire? I"m an outcast here ya know? Besides," I groaned as I walked past her, "It let me meet you right?"

I wish I hadn't kept walking because right behind me was the reddest mare in all of Equestria and on her face was a smile so wide and shy a death lord tyrant would have said "aaaaw."

"You coming?" I yelled behind me.

Sure enough the sound of beating hooves came from behind and the unicorn too her place back at my side.

"Ok, maybe that was a little funny."

I smiled, it was all I needed to hear.

"Killian! Maire!" Came the resounding cry of the one pony I didn't want to see.

True enough a purple flash of light set fire to my corneas as I let out yet another scream. I had singlehandedly screamed more in three days here than in my entire life at home.

Go figure because it's Hell.

"Dornan damn it Twilight! Do you have to blind me every feckin time you pop your sorry ass into existence?"

The purple alicorn smiled sheepishly and wrapped a hoof around Maire and I with an excited gasp. The look on her face may have appeared innocent but in my mind I knew for a fact that it was bad news.

"You won't believe what Princess Celestia has done for you guys!"

Pimped out a BDSM club I imagine with the way she looks at me.

Maire was far kinder than me and looked at Twilight with genuine interest. I wondered if maybe treating the tiny demon with kindness was the way to stop her from trying to kill me.

"Alright I'll bite. What did Sun Butt do for us?"

Twilight could defnitely not contain her excitement.

"She found and enlisted Bishop to join you guys on your trip to Saddle Arabia! I've only ever heard stories of him from the archives and I'm just.so.excited! He's a legend!" She screamed jubilantly.

What the feck is a Bishop? Don't tell me they were sending some priest to join us.

I was confused and was about to open my mouth when I looked to Maire who looked like she had just eaten a jar of pickled potatoes and drank a fourth of Guinness as a chaser. That is to say she looked downright sick for someone that wasn't from the true homeland.

"Um Twilight? Who the feck is Bishop?" I finally asked knowing I'd never get a reply from her without asking.

Her eyes inflated to impossible levels as did her smile.

"He's only one of the elite of the elite! I heard he went to Yakyakistan before they extended a treaty of friendship and singlehandedly took on an entire troop of their finest warriors! He was at the Hydra Invasion of Lily Marsh and took down a den mother hydra! He's a legend, a pure legend!"

Then why does Maire look so worried?

"That's all well in good Twilight but I'm not sure why your princess is sending Rambo with us in that case."

Twilight blinked and raised a hoof before scrunching her muzzle.

"Human person."

Twilight insisted in giving me the entire history of the guy meeting us but to be honest I could care less. Her voice droned into nothingness as my eyes kept going back to my silent... friend? I was considering Maire as a friend. She was different from the other ponies. Where most of the ponies I met were made of neon paint and baby vomit Maire had some substance to her, especially in her fla-

ABANDON THAT THOUGHT SOUTH WING!

Anyways, Maire had a lot of qualities that just made her seem more human to me. She was a flare, an angry and destructive force that didn't baby anyone and everything around her. She didn't give a flying feck in any sense of the word and that was... Incredibly appealing to me.

"So that's how you'll want to introduce yourself gotta go bye!" Twilight yelled as she shoved me through an open door that I wasn't expecting. I nearly tripped into what looked like a small cafe near the train station. The light and the decor suggested a middle class place but without sweet sweet booze it looked more like a doctors office to me.

"Maire? I was kind of dozing so I gotta know... What the hell are we doing here?" I asked as I looked down at her pale face.

"You're here to meet me." Came a voice with a growl that reminded me heavily of my old man.

The sound made me physically sick and judging from the quivering mare at my side it yielded the same effect on her. I suddenly realized there wasn't a single damned sound resounding in the shop. Nobody was around except the voice that was coming from a person I was having a hard time bringing myself to look at.

"Bishop." Came Maires' wavering whisper.

I finally turned to see who she was looking at and found my mouth beginning to fall open. Seated at one of the empty tables in front of me was a cloaked figure menacingly angled at us. Whatever the thing was it stood taller than me when it got to it's feet. The heavy sound of hooves striking the floor made my heart thump louder and louder as the bizarre shape approached. The fact that it had the four legs and build of a large pony was normal enough after all of this time but the additional three to four feet of hooded body was what caused me alarm. Finally it stood before me, the top of the hidden face meeting my own as one menacing horn protruded from a golden loop on the hood.

"Y-you're a..." I began as Maire placed a hoof on my hip.

"A centaur." She completed as a ragged coffee colored arm stretched out from the blackness and pulled the hood back.

I've been reading and watching television shows from the UK for years mind you. I've seen Doctor Who, Toonami when I was bored, and my uncles kids loved some of the more adult animations but never in my whole damn life had I seen a face like Bishops.

It was built like the stallions I had seen but longer, more slender. A large tuft of dark oaken fur hung from his chin giving him the semblance of a very well treated beard. His eyes were gold around the irises and so similar to my own kinds that to look into them was to forget that he wasn't from my own world. Well toned muscles accented his arms that went from the same shade of his beard to a light coffee pallet. His clothing was plain, a simple Red tunic adorned with strange medals and at least a half dozen necklaces of varying material and size. The hair was much like my own except black as the darkest moore evening and long enough to cascade from his shoulders.

Gods I hope he likes Maires. my mind pondered as the obviously NSFW department wondered about the size of such a creatures co-

"Maire Strings. I never thought I'd see you again after your last performance." He said with a monotone voice as dry as the bloody desert.

The unicorn next to me seemed to find her voice as she nodded.

"Same here. I thought you'd be in the Castle tending to the princesses." She said with a touch of insinuation.

The centaur smiled a hair and a spark crossed his eyes as he looked to me. His hand extended out and one back hoof stomped on the ground yanking me from my phalactic calculations.

"I am Bishop. I serve the Ordained Princess Celestia and have been assigned to care for you on your travel to Saddle Arabia and back."

I went to grab his hand in a firm "man-shake" but was stopped as one of his eyebrows raised and he retraced it to reach into a saddlebag to draw out a small vial with a green powder contained within. Taking the vial he popped the cork out and poured a small pinch of the stuff before placing it into my hand which was tiny compared to his.

"Eat."

Wait what?

"Why" I asked as I looked at the small pile of powder.

He huffed and pointed to his nose.

"You're bleeding."

I reached up with my free hand and touched my upper lip and drew it back to see a small smudge of red on my fingertips. Horror and fear ran rampant taking out the NSFW Department, the south wing, and even the president as I stood in shock.

Oh now folks will say I got a nosebleed looking at him. As if having feelings for a horse wasn't bad enough.

"Eat." He ordered softly.

I tilted my hand back and felt the dust hit my tongue which was dry but pleasant compared to what happened next. My tongue immediately caught fire hotter and more painful than any damn pepper where I came from. My eyes poured almost instantaneously as I fell to my knees in the world's worst coughin' fit. My vision blurred, my skin felt like it caught on fire, but the worst pain was coming from inside my head. It felt like a thousand pissed off drunk drag queens were having a stomp party in my skull and every single one of them was wearing stilettos.

"Bishop help him!" Came the frightened cry of Maire as I barely felt or heard her.

Words. I heard words being muttered as a hand gripped my shoulder so hard I thought I might break in two. The words were deep and old, ancient even if I had the brain cells to think on it. My father used to tell me of the old Gaelic, of the old sages and druids in our ancient lineage. "Ovates they were called, healers, seers of power. I felt the power of Bishops words even if I could not understand a feckin thing he said.

The pain grew a billion times worse for a fraction of a second and then simply washed away starting from my head and then out through my feet. If I ever had to feel such pain as that I knew for a fact I would not survive.

That frightens the shite out of me.

"Can you stand?"

I felt a hand wrap around mine and I was pulled to my feet. Stars blinded my vision as my brain tried to do a hard reset. Man if the boys downstairs were confused earlier then as of now they were probably dead.

"What in the nine hells was that?" I rasped as he led me to a chair to sit down.

"A test. Celestia summoned me here for a abnormal circumstance and I am glad I got here in time."

"That..." I panted loudly, "Still doesn't explain what the feckin christ all that was!"

"Perhaps I can explain." Came Twilights voice as she walked from behind me.

Leave it to science horse to lie only to stick around and watch me.

I glared at her as hard as I could as she stood next to Maire whose face was so contorted in fear and worry that it made my chest hurt.

"Ahem, when you first came here what was the first creature you encountered?" Twilight asked as she looked from me to Bishop.

"Lyra, mare damn near beat me to a pulp and I would have won if she hadn't surprised me!"

Twilight nodded and cocked her head towards Maire.

"And then when you left to go... relax, who was near you the whole time when Lyra and Bonbon left?"

"Maire naturally, she couldn't get enough of me." I tried to joke but coughed through it.

"So we're unicorns, what does that have to do with anything?" Maire asked as she placed a hoof on my back gently.

"What I just gave you blocks the body from arcane essence." Bishop explained as he put the vial back into his saddlebag.

"For only a moment you were completely cut off from the powers of this world. It would have felt that way if you hadn't come here."

I sat up straight and gave Maire a reassuring nod. My body no longer ached but the damn echoes of the pain lingered fiercely. No words in Gaelic, English, Spanish, or even Russian could describe the pain I went through. It felt like a whole eternity in the fraction of a second and I would rather have my boys repeatedly hit with a wet towel than deal with that for another microsecond.

"But why? Why isn't he feeling it now?" Maire continued as she frantically looked to Bishop and Twilight.

"Because he's absorbing the magic around him. While he's around Unicorns or other magical beings he is constantly absorbing tiny amounts of energy and storing it somewhere inside of him." Twilight explained with all of the enthusiasm of a kid who won their first science fair.

Thankfully Bishop cut in as one of his huge hands gently clasped around the maw of twilight.

"As long as you are around the arcane born your sickness will cause you no ill effect." His grave stare sent shivers down my spine. "But it only masks your pain and destruction. What you just felt is you're body fighting the mind rot."

It felt like I was dying!

"All of that," I wheezed before taking a deep breath, "Is from the cancer?"

Bishop nodded once. Damn he had a more serious look than a doctor telling a parent that their child was gonna be born with no arms or legs.

"Which is why I am accompanying you to Saddle Arabia. I will serve as your guardian, your healer, and your translator."

Oooooh like Dungeons and Dragons.

I suddenly thanked Celestia in my head and hoped it didn't come at the price of dinner and a strip show.

"This will take some time to explain, so please sit." Twilight managed to edge in as she sat on the chair next to Bishop. Gods above she looked like a mouse compared to him.

"Saddle Arabia and Equestria are incredibly similar but not. While magic is restricted to unicorns in practicality there are only earth ponies there. We focus magic through years of practice and formulas, math, and history. That being said the best word to describe Saddle Arabian magic would be primal. They use power from the things around them and to be honest I don't understand much of it myself." She said as she looked down at the table.

Wow something purple smart doesn't know.

Bishop took over as he pulled a flask from his bag and handed it to me. While it wasn't what I hoped for the water inside made me feel a whole world better.

"Our magic is similar in practice to the Zebras that practice healing. We communicate with the world around us and we do not command it," He enunciated as he shot a glare to Twilight and Maire, "We ask for it's guidance, help, and in turn we give back however much we can. We gain our power from the unity of ourselves and the djinnshi that wish to help."

Djinnshi? Like Genie?

"Well perhaps when you come back you'd give us a lesson." Twilight said with a touch of hope.

This caused the centaur to glare once more at her.

"I have told you Princess. The power can never be attained by someone that commands instead of asks. That is all I will say on the matter." He snorted.

For the first time in my stay I saw Twilight freeze.

Wow.

"You have a primal power inside of you." Bishop said calmly as his eyes rested on me. "You receive power through existence, drawing upon the energy that sees you as its host, as its guide. Like a candle draws the attention of moths so do you draw magic towards you. To touch another arcane born is to draw even more power from them."

"Like... when you... t-touched me." Twilight interjected as her wings unfurled and folded again.

"Wait, hold on. When I slapped your arse and you went all misty eyed that was from my cancer?"

"Well partly." She whispered.

I looked down at Maire and the only reaction out of her was a blush and a cough expertly put to break the tension.

"You possess a great gift. Though in all of my travels I have never seen such a creature as you I know the power inside of you as I do the land around us. It is old, it breathes like the trees and the sky. Should you wish it, I shall teach you control and in that lesson you shall live well enough for our travel to reach its destination."

I felt my mouth twitch into a grin.

"You can teach me magic? Like what purple arse and Maire use?"

Bishop frowned. Wrong question.

"No. I will teach you harmony, not control."

Who the feck would say no!?

"Well feck yeah I'll learn!" I cried as I laughed.

The pain from laughing elicited a groan from deep inside of me. Bishop seemed to like that answer and snorted with a smile. Seeing him was like seeing my pa or Cole. I felt like he was a good... man? He was a good person and my senses told me to trust him.

"Well. The train to take us north is here. We will meet you in the back since the Princess has been kind enough to give us our own car." He stated as he pulled his cloak back over himself.

He took his leave and brushed past us like a midnight wind, silent and gone before you could think.

He's like Batman.

"Well. I suppose I should get going as well. It was um... n-nice to see you again Killian." Twilight said as she extended a hoof.

"Good luck."

I took her hoof and shook firmly as I smiled.

"Take care you dumb purple mess."

Twilight left and once again it was me and Maire alone in a cafe with no one else around. I sat down and looked at her face filled with worry and fear even still. Without thinking I wrapped an arm around her and brought her in for a hug. She was warm, soft, still a big breathing plushie. She quivered as her hoofs wrapped around my neck and the waterworks started.

"Quiet now lass. I'm alright, I'm here." I said reassuringly.

She sobbed. Damn it hurt me to see her like this. It hurt me to see a perfect stranger cry but this, this was torture.

"I thought you were dying..." She whimpered as she sucked a right big glob of snot into her muzzle.

"Well technically I am dying." I joked.

She pulled back and glared at me with puffy eyes and a scrunched face.

"Not funny Killian."

I smiled warmly and pulled her back in as I let my free hand stroke her back.

"I ain't goin anywhere except a hot as hell place with a centaur and you right?"

She sniffed and I felt her gently nuzzle my neck.

"You still want me to come with?"

I chuckled and felt my cheeks grow hot.

"Well yeah, I mean did you see what I'd be like if you weren't around? Christ you got even more stones over my head now."

Her eyes were filled with hurt but her smile was warm as she socked me in the chest.

"That has to be the corniest, lamest, and laziest pick up line any stallion has ever said to me." She whispered as she rubbed her face with a sleeve.

"Well..." I muttered while scratching her left ear.

"It worked didn't it?"

Her eyes widened and her cheeks grew hot against my hand as she tried to open her mouth.

Oh boy, time to come clean about thinking of boinkin a horse.

"I'm not saying... anything yet, ye know? But if you were ever into ugly aliens that like to drink..." I managed to choke out while looking like a right fool. "Then maybe I'd be into young mares that play music and like to pretend to be dominant."

Her soft laugh eased my aching body.

"Well we will have to see." She whispered as she nuzzled my chest. "You are kind of... growing on me."

She leaned up and I felt soft lips brush against my cheek.

WE ARE BACK ONLINE ALL SYSTEMS GO, GO, GO!

She chuckled and sighed as she shook her head. Her eyes looked into mine as one eyebrow rose and her teeth flashed me in a grin.

"You're poking me Killian."

Welcome to Shitesville, population me.

Author's Note

A slightly more serious chapter where we meet Bishop, a mysterious centaur that may or may not be Tireks lover. Just kidding he's not. Finally got up to a few of the newer seasons and really wanted a centaur to be present.

Sorry there aren't as many boner-parts in this chapter but it really felt like the right direction to go before we make our journey to Saddle Arabia.

A magic Irishman. Gods above this is gonna suck.

Also where the feck is Lyra? God damned unicorn was supposed to play a bigger role. Guess I'll go look for her at the bottom of these bottles.

Chapter Eight: Boinking and Self Servicing

AUTHORS NOTE: TOP O' THE MORNING TO YOU LADDIES THIS IS JA- Wait I mean Silent Author with a warning of the sexiest caliber. This chapter is sexy folks and if you don't want hot sweaty room wrecking sexy times then... why the feck are you reading my story? Jesus folks if you don't want sex there is a TLDR at the end of the chapter summarizing the non sexy elements of this chapter. Gonna be a bit shorter than usual because it's a short scene meant to bridge the sexy gap from here to the train. Enjoy anyways you filthy animals

You know why you're here.

"You're poking me." Maire cheekily said again as she looked me up from my hips to my face.

I was holding the mare on my lap, her waterworks rescinding for a more sultry expression. Her hooves pressed gently on my chest as I felt her tail curl against my left thigh.

This is south command we are ready to deliver the payload will the president confirm?

Her soft eyes were staring into my soul as she opened her mouth to lick her lips. The motions of that long soft muscle seemed to make my own throat go dry. Hell I'd stop drinking for the rest of my life if she would just keep doing that. I may have been watching those soft lips do wonders just by being there but the thing that suddenly captured my attention the most were here damned eyes. Deliriously deep shades of blue greeted me as her left ear flicked against my breath. If I wasn't roarin' and ready to go when she had pecked my cheek I sure as hell was now. My body had long since given into South Wings usurping of the central command and my left arm went under the mares flank as my right braced across her soft back.

Gods I was about to do this.

"Killian?" She said with a surprised gasp as I stood and pulled her into the air. The blush on her cheeks and the surprise drew a deep growl from deep in me.

I held her close and felt my cheeks grow hot as any remnant of doubt or anxiety left me. I kissed the damn mare right on her lips. Words to describe the experience? Soft, full, silken, slightly furry.

"K-Killian!" Maire whimpered softly as I pressed my lips to the underside of her snout with a gentle nibble.

Gods above the moment when a lass breaks the charade of full control and confidence? Pure leprechaun gold.

My legs had carried us across the room towards the opposite wall and with a satisfied smack I planted the quivering unicorn against it. The inner predator in me growled. I had her against a wall with my arms around her and there would be no escape. Her soft white fur parted under my fingers as I breathed deeply. The scent of sweat, coffee beans, and something indescribable filled my mind. It was as intoxicating as the scent of the darkest porter or the finest harbor morn'.

"Killian."

I snapped out of my primal state and looked at Maire. Her mane was a mess, her eyes fogged over and her snout scrunched in the way that made her extremely adorable. It was a scrunch not out of annoyance but... nerves?

"Are you... I m-mean d-do you?" Her words were cut short as I brought my lips near hers again as I looked deeply into her windows to her soul.

"Shut the hell up before I pin ye to the ground." I huskily growled to earn a high pitched whimper from her.

Her mane found its way into my right hand and I wrapped my fingers into a large tuft before pulling backwards, forcing her head up leaving her long neck open for my exploration. One would think having a tuft of fur in your mouth might make ya gag or at least pick bits of fur off yer tongue but that wasn't the case for Maire oh no. Her fur parted as my tongue darted and left a wet trail from the base of her barrel to her left ear which I gave a light nibble.

Boys we have to load the shells in and prepare for launch! Prep that chute!

Never had I respected my bodies wishes so fast. From wall to table I had the quivering mare on her back with her front hooves guarding the thing that I suddenly desperately wanted.

"Killian... stop for a minute." Maire pleaded as I stopped on top of her.

Did I scare here? Oh feck well this is a right time to stop and smell the daisies.

"I think we need to s-slow down and maybe find a... more..."

Her pause made me raise an eyebrow before I realized her alluring stare wasn't on my face but my-

Oh she likes the goods then?

"Oh? Is there something yer tryin' to say there lass?"

Her eyes shot back to mine and a half smile crept across her face. We maintained the stare for what seemed like an eternity before she took a breath and removed a hoof to brush her mane from her eyes.

"What do you see when you look at me?" She asked with a glance away from me.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked as I rolled my eyes. "You're a fine lookin lass and you can clearly see I like what I'm seeing!"

She looked down with a blush then back to me with a pout.

"I'm serious Killian, I just... Want to know how I measure up to your race."

Feckin Christ she's self conscious. I might just eat her right here.

"Well you're not tall, your arse is huge and you have no breasts," I whispered as my hand pressed against her chest and trailed down to her navel.

"But feck it all if you're not the sexiest thing I've laid eyes on in a damn long time."

Her eyes closed and a groan escaped her throat as the hoof covering herself shook violently. Finally she opened her eyes and with a scowl she grabbed the collar of my shirt with her free hoof.

"Oh buck all of this. I'm going to rut you until you can't see straight so let's see how much magic you can take there big guy"

I blinked and found her pulling me down on top of her where her lips found mine again and that sweet muscle of a tongue prodded, pushed, beat against the entrance that was my mouth with the ferocity of a wild animal. I growled into her and held myself up on one arm as my hand gripped the tables edge in a white knuckle hold.

This time it was me that forced the brakes.

Her eyes went wide and a look of hurt and need flashed across her as she opened her mouth in an almost comical,

"What the buck Killian!"

South Command postpone that launch momentarily.

"Maire. I just wanna make sure I don't... take too much, I can't control what's going on-"

A flick of her glowing horn and my shirt was ripped almost completely off. Like legitimately ripped to near shreds. Those shows where a guy flexes and his clothes just seem to evaporate? Yeah like that.

Her hoof was to my intact tie and she pulled me down with a growl that rivaled my own.

"Rut me now. Right now."

CODE GUINNESS WE HAVE CONFIRMATION CODE GUINNESS!

"Oh yeah, now you're looking more like the Maire I've been having to deal with." I teased as my tongue licked across my teeth.

"Take those clothes off Killian I'm sick of bucking waiting for you to get ready like a mare before the gala."

I frowned and felt my blood start to boil as the mane still in my hand pulled her head back so she could only see me from her lower peripherals.

Oh I'm gonna do everything I can to make this mare crawl to the train.

Her hoof guarding the obviously wet part of her anatomy began to raise and I felt myself lick my lips in anticipation. One serving of pony was coming up and I was starving. Right as the hoof revealed the slightest sliver of pink I leaned down to kiss her neck before going in for the kill.

Then the feckin door opened to the cafe.

"Excuse me Killian, Ms. Maire are you two quite ready to-" Came the almost mothering voice of Princess mother feckin Celestia.

Her regal white head poked in the door with a stare as wide as mine. Here I was with a shirt in shreds, a blushing mare under me, and my hands just pulling the waistband of my trousers down. There was absolutely no way we were gonna be able to cover this up. At the point I was at however I really, really didn't want to stop.

"Celestia I'm only gonna say this once. Turn around and come back in about an hour, you can stand right there for all I feckin care but I'm about to plow some very fertile ground so make up yer damn mind and make it fast." I growled.

Maire stared at me then the princess then back to me.

"I can't rut while she's watching!" She whispered as she covered herself with the damn hoof again.

"Why not? She's not bad lookin' and I'm pretty sure she'd outright enjoy it!" I hissed back as I fought the urge to gag her.

"She's a princess! I'm not going to just lay back while she's watching like a molester."

Celestia cleared her throat and covered her maw with a gilded hoof.

"As much as I might consider such a display from one of my own ponies and such a strange specimen I must insist that we make way. The train leaving for Frost Vale is departing soon and you two have been in here for quite some time."

I'm pent the feck up and you want me to put my pants on and whistle a merry tune? FECK ALL THAT SHITE.

I looked down at Maire with pleading eyes. I was about to have the best feck of my entire life after two months of damned celibacy and some sun horse was gonna take it away from me. Maires' face however showed me clearly that the moment had definitely passed. She leaned up and nibbled at my neck and kissed me gently on the lips with a blazing red face

"We'll have time on the train." She whispered as I felt her tail bump a very anxious part of my body.

Celestia walked behind me and I suddenly felt dwarfed under her fiery gaze.

"Oh? Killian if you need release then perhaps a mare of my age and experience will do." She began as her snout went to my shoulders and hot breath played over my sensitive flesh.

"I uh... really appreciate the thought your higness but I kind of might have this thing for Maire. Who is here. On the table. WHILE YOU'RE TEASING MY BACK YE FECKIN BEAST!" I yelled as I felt a tongue softer than all of creation trace down my spine.

Her soft laugh did not ease the situation as Maire stared wide eyed and slack jawed.

"Fear not, this will surely be an experience that will help you rest easy." The princes whispered into my ear.

A flash of light, blinding pain, and the sound of heavy metal striking flesh was the last thing I remember.

Maire stared as the human fell in a unconscious heap on top of her revealing a smiling princess with her tongue poking out mockingly between her lips. In her magic grasp was a frying pan with the slight indentation of Killians' face.

"Did y-you kill him?" Maire screamed as she looked at the dumb struck look on her "would be" lovers face.

Celestia shrugged and let out a tiny giggle.

"Oh I merely said it would be a restful experience and he's resting is he not?"

Maire could only stare in pure shock.

"YOU COULD HAVE KILLED HIM!"

Celestia had to focus all of her will to not laugh even more.

"Oh he will be fine, oh Bishop could you come grab Killian please!"

Maire looked to the door and watched as Bishop lumbered in with the faintest smile on his battle worn face. In Maires' mind she was furious, embarrassed, and also curious as to why Bishop was actually smiling all of a sudden.

"Oh. Oh! You were watching the whole time!" She screamed as she pointed accusingly at Celestia and Bishop.

Celestia pretended to faint and smiled at the shaking unicorn.

"Oh of course not I had just arrived when Bishop informed me you two were taking your time."

Maire glared once again and sighed as she trotted out of the coffee shop beside Bishop who was smiling the whole time.

"Did you enjoy the show you bucking bastard?" She hissed as she tried to hide her blush.

Bishop laughed and patted the passed out man on his back.

"Your ministrations were found to be lacking. but his however..." He began as he looked down at the now red unicorn.

"He's MINE." Maire hissed as she stomped her foot into the ground with a snort.

Bishop merely laughed.

"We shall see."

Author's Note

Non sexy TLDR: It was sexy

Chapter Nine: Where Things get Serious

Sun butt was pissing me the feck off. Why was a white horse even jealous can horses get jealous? Hell if I know. There was a train and some horse man thing and I bet his cock is huge and holy shit what the hell is up with horse dicks? Where do they even go when they're not out? Is there a pocket dimension full of horse pussy and cocks just floating around? Can they get pregnant if they touch in the genital dimension? Feck man I don't know.

The ache in my head was as bad as when my father first introduced me to the English classic that was gin and tonic. Why any sane man would bloody put that medicine tasting shite down their throat I'll never know. The hangover from a few of those was a ton similar to how I was currently feeling.

This is South Command did we attain contact with the pink or the stink?

That is a no south command. We have not completed operation Dry Spell.

I opened my grime encrusted eyes with a groan and hissed as a torrent of bright sunlight assaulted my eyes like a Scotsman on a herd of sheep. Whatever hit me in the head had a greater force behind it than my ma when she caught me stickin' my hand in the biscuit jar. Last thing I could remember was finally gettin' lucky with a cute lass then some white glowing bimbett hit me in the head. Shite I still couldn't think straight. The sound of running engines and the slow hum of a man however startled me enough in my dazed state to roll over and open one eye.

"Good afternoon Mr. Killian." Bishop whispered as his tail swished across his backside. He was sitting on a large velvet bench with a thick book in his left hand while the other juggled a ripe red apple.

"Feck and shite all of you to hell." I growled as my left arm supported me while I tried to sit upright.

He looped an arm under my shoulder and hoisted me up with ease that made me feel like a small child in his grasp. It was strong, true, and most definitely more gentle than I would have thought from a beast probably weighing close to a ton.

"You have been out for some time. I was worried that perhaps the Ordained Princess struck you too hard." He commented as he sat back down and started reading his book.

"Feck your princess and feck you." I grumbled while rubbing my eyes.

"Perhaps another time."

Wait what the feck did he just say?

I looked from over my hands at Bishop who now sported a smile under his well trimmed beard. His eyes followed my feet to my face as he nodded.

"Surprised?" He chuckled, focusing back on his book.

"You bet your hybrid ass I'm surprised! Jesus, Mary, and Patrick I didn't know you were a fruity pop!" I yelled through my hands.

His smile wavered before one eye looked to me.

"I have spent many, many years wandering the world Mr. Killian. You would not be the first strange creature to earn my glance." He began as he turned a page, "Nor would you be the last. After so many years wandering this world I have found that the habit of making oneself uncertain in personality to garner attraction is greatly flawed."

He closed his book and looked to me with his full attention. Jesus the eyes on this guy were sure enough to pierce right through the bank of Stirling.

"So I intend to make my interest known. To say that your primal movements during courtship are unrefined would be a great understatement," He began as he stood and took two steps to be right in front of me, "However I find that it is indeed a breath of fresh air compared to the quiet and restrained advancements of pony kind. So even if I am to serve as your guardian and mentor be quite aware that I am also admiring your actions and mannerisms. I look forward to us spending more time together and learning from one another. Where as my knowledge of the arcane shall benefit you I'm sure the ways of your people will benefit myself."

I sat down blasted far the feck away by the completely blunt... flirt? Was he feckin flirting with me?

"Are you feckin flirting with me?" my mouth voiced as a direct link to my brain ran unfiltered.

He smiled again and a very, very small part of me felt a thrill.

"I'm thoroughly confused Bishop. For one I'm definitely not some kind of beast as you make me out to be, two I'm definitely not interested in takin' a three foot long meat log, and three seriously what the feck!"

"As one of two witnesses to your handling of the young Maire I can say you are indeed quite predatory. Whether or not that is an adverse effect to the magic you've been absorbing is yet to be seen. Aside from that yes, yes I am flirting with you." He paused and closed the book in his hands gently. "With any luck at the end of this journey you'll be alive to learn a thing or two from me. Now I believe your other interest will be coming down the hall to check on you once again for the fiftieth time this day."

Sure enough the door to our car banged twice which elicited a chuckle from the centaur.

"I'll leave you to your thoughts Mr. Killian. Rest assured until such a time comes as you shut down my advancements I will wait much like a predator waits for prey." He looked at me with a toothy grin and rolled his eyes. "Good afternoon to you."

He opened the door and nodded to the pony next to him, closing the door and leaving me with a visibly distressed and apparently angry Maire. Her mane was a disheveled and terrible mess, bags were under her eyes, her hoodie was a crumpled mess, and her eyes were dagger fine pin pricks.

"YOU."

Shit.

She moved in a gray and blue blur and tackled me against the wall. For a soft plushie like thing Maire had a shit load of power behind her run. Her head collided with my chest and knocked the wind right out of me. Bottles of Guinness flew around my eyes as I heard the distinct angry muffling of the young mare. I put a hand on her head and scratched gently as my eyes rolled into the back of my head.

More tears, more worry. Jesus fuck can't a guy get a break?

She looked up at me with her big sparkling eyes and sniffed in the most unladylike fashion imaginable. Feck it all it was adorable.

"I thought you were dead." She muttered as she pressed her head against my chest.

"Well I'm not. Just hurt like a sum' bitch." I reassured her as I looked around the cabin.

Wasn't a cabin oh no. I was sitting on a bed in a god damn PALACE. The room was huge, a table was set against the opposing wall with food and drinks, the bench across from me was large enough to fit half a football team, the true football not the American shit, and the entire place was filled with more expensive stuff than the Queen of England probably had in her mansion.

Jesus you'd think I was some right kind of celebrity.

"Celestia hit you upside the head when you and I were... um..." She blushed hard and buried herself into my chest.

"Damn it that was embarrassing. Five seconds away from the best rut of my life and that damn sun ass walks in and takes it away from me." She growled as her hooves hit my chest with a soft thud,

"Hey now don't mean we can't continue where we started!" I glowed as I pat her head gently.

"Killian; chances are that Bishop, Twilight, or goddess forbid Celestia would just pop in before I got those damn pants off of you."

Man I am sensing a universal cock block pattern behind all of this.

"Well who's to say they would?" I growled as I tickled her sides.

"Because it is far more entertaining to see you this way." Came the motherly voice that sent chills down my spine.

"CELESTIA GOD FECKIN DAMNIT CAN I HAVE MAYBE FIVE GOD DAMN MINUTES OF PRIVACY YOU MOLESTING ABUSIVE HORSE!"

The sun goddess smiled above me as a tongue slipped between her lips and blew a raspberry at me.

"I have to have some fun! It's not every century that a creature comes to my kingdom and treats me like just an average pony." She said with a pout.

"YOU KNOCKED ME OUT COLD I'M IN THE RIGHT STATE OF MIND TO RIP YOUR HORN OFF AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH IT!" I yelled as I came toe to hoof with the princess and shoved a finger in her chest.

"Oh don't go and promise a mare a good time like that." She added with a wink and a shake of her tail.

Jesus fuck all the creatures are crazy masochists.

"Just... why are you still here?" I muttered while face palming myself.

"Why to keep you company until we reach Vale of course! I have a dear friend that is currently there sorting out some chaos from a rampaging Diamond Dog war band. Dreadful things really." She chimed in as she walked over to the food bar with a wiggle.

"Hey leave some food for him! He hasn't eaten in three days." Maire yelled as she scrunched her muzzle and stormed up to the table.

Man sounds like you're about to have some kind of multi-species harem.

"Who the hell said that?" I asked out loud.

Oh don't mind me, I'm too meta for you. Probably a leftover voice from blunt trauma you know.

I grumbled and rubbed my temples. I was getting mighty sick of the comic book like shenanigans that were taking place at my expense.

"Killian, we had something made specially for you." Maire cleared her throat and hovered a plate to me with a silver dome over the top of it.

I hesitantly opened the top and about cried as the scent of parsley, cayenne pepper, and meat filled my head. It was a plate with two of the nicest steaks I had ever seen in my life. Lord I had almost forgot meat in my short time in this nightmare world. Hands shot out with no further command from my mind and grabbed the juicy cutlet, jamming the whole thing into my mouth.

"I told you, he's more primal than we know." Bishop called as he entered the car.

Feck the horse man fruit pop I'm enjoying this meat.

"If we can maybe take five minutes and not talk about which of you wanna have me all to yourself, can we maybe discuss what the hell is going on?" I yelled with the last bit of delicious ambrosial meat in my happy gut.

The room was quiet. Maire was blushing fiercely, Celestia was biting her lower lip which was covered in cake icing, and Bishop had one eyebrow raised and arms crossed.

"Very well. I suppose then we should discuss the point of this merry journey. In roughly an hour we will reach Frost Vale. It is a town that stands as a gate to the neighboring kingdom of Cloudhaven. There we will travel on train till we reach the border where we will begin our journey through the forests of Nocticotul, then we will reach the kingdom of Saddle Arabia." Bishop monologued as I attempted to pour myself a cup of coffee.

I'm not awake enough for this shite.

"Why do you make it sound so easy?" I asked as I took a generous sip of the molten brew, "Nothing in life is so easy. Where's the part where you tell me there's certain doom, death, and peril?"

Everyone in the room blinked and continued to stare at me like I was a true idiot.

"W-why would there be death, doom, and peril?" Maire asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Because I'm heading to an unknown land to seek out some kind of cure for a disease that shouldn't right exist in your world?" I encouraged with a wave of my hand. "Hello? Protagonist story here, I've read enough books and seen enough shows to know that it is never as simple as get to point B from point A."

The silent staring continued. Bishop thankfully broke the silence.

"There may be minor resistance but I still do not see why you would think so hard on the matter. I am more than capable of defending myself and you from any attacker."

Maire puffed up and stood up to me with a scowl.

"I'm tough too you know! I can beat your sorry ass can't I?"

Oh boy, competition between the two people that want to jump my bones, joy.

The fight never came but both Bishop and Maire had a stare off while I tried to perhaps garner some useful information from the princess.

"So who are you seeing in Frost Vale?"

She smiled with her cheeks filled with cake and shook her head.

"You'll meet him soon enough."

More cryptic bullshite. Fan-feckin-tastic.

The train began to screech and pulled to a slow halt as Maire and Bishop broke their glare to look back to me.

"It seems we have arrived. I advise you to wear the winter clothes provided in your compartment Mr. Killian it is quite cold out there." Bishop said as he began to make his way to the next car.

Celestia smiled and set her empty plate down on the table. With a quick curtsy to me she popped out of existence in cake aroma pink light. Yet again, and definitely not for long, I was left with the unicorn I had tried time and time again to have to myself.

"So. I guess this is where we set off and a grand adventure?" I quipped while grabbing a bag from the upper storage shelf.

Maire sighed and nodded her head.

"So do I have to compete with mister mysterious?" She asked.

I groaned and got to my knees making sure to grab her marshmallow soft face in my hands.

"No Maire. I haven't even had a chance to think about anything other than pain, hunger, and the now ever present need to pin you to the floor and have my fair share of carnal pleasure."

Maire widened her eyes with a blush and gulped.

"I swear to Saint Patrick first true quiet chance I get I'm gonna pin you to a wall and make sure you can't even stand straight. When you think you're able to get around I'm gonna do it again, and again, and again until you're pretty arse is stuck in this damn train."

I turned back to Maire after putting a large white coat on and saw she was shivering and blushing a fierce shade o' red.

"You better keep that damn promise." She whispered as her eyes looked away.

Still feckin adorable.

I pulled the door open to the blistering winter wind of the white capped platform and winced at the sheer force of cold. The princess and Bishop weren't kidding about the mountains oh no. The snowy pass was devoid of anything sans the platform and the expanse of pure white in front of me. Where the hell was the town? The city? A god damn urinal would have been a welcome sight.

"Do you think it's too quiet?" Maire whispered as she pulled the hood over her head.

"Oh don't go saying that. It's always bad luck to-"

The ground shook violently and a roar like a bear and a dog erupted all around us as four hulking abominations strangely similar to my old hound tore from the earth and stood around us. Each wore a white hooded vest and had claws like daggers pointed menacingly at us. They looked like an assortment of dogs only much bigger and much, much more dumb looking. I thought the rugby players back home were ugly and dumb looking but these boys would have a run for their money.

"God dammit Maire."

Maire got low and looked to the beasts that began to surround us. Each of the fierce dog folk began to advance slowly with a deep growl that made even my steel will shake.

Where the hell is Bishop? Isn't he supposed to be protecting me!?

Now, now. Don't you know better than to have such wishful thinking?

"Who the hell is talking?" I muttered under my breath as I grabbed my head in my hands.

"Apologies but that would be me!" Came a very creepy old male voice.

I looked up and around my shoulder to see a truly bizarre creature posing on his side atop the train. His body was like a reptiles with a long red tail that flared with a sort of fin. His gold and red eyes looked down at me with some kind of look between a mad Scotsman and a thirsty drunk which in itself was both frightening and horrifying. A bear arm extended from behind his back and in a flash of bright light he appeared at my side which caused Maire to shriek and jump into my arms.

"Cut the intros short. My name is Discord, god of chaos, here's my card." He sneered as he popped a card into the collar of my shirt with a wink.

"Well boys! Looks like we might need some back up!" He yelled as a spatula appeared in his hand a colander on his head which hung weirdly over one horn.

"Oops. Looks like I left my weapons in my other suit. Would you have anything on you?" He asked as a arm strangely like a chickens leg made a grabby gesture at me.

"FECK NO I DON'T HAVE A WEAPON!"

Discord rolled his eyes and snapped a finger. Within a microsecond a strange boy band tune begun playing seemingly out of nowhere and a swirling cloud of yellow smoke and glitter spun rapidly in between myself and the dog things. Within the last few days I had seen some insane things but this? This was beyond feckin crazy.

"I choose you Al! Use sweet moves!" Discord yelled as a strange baseball cap and blue vest manifested on his body.

A tan stallion burst from the swirling sparkly mass and stood with his chest pushed out in some kind of dominant fashion. His wavy dark brown hair waved carelessly in front of his face as he... he...

"Are you moonwalking!?" I yelled while in the process dropping Maire.

The bastard flipped around and stood on his back legs while leaning back and casting a hoof through his hair moving it out of his face. A bright lime green eye shown and sparkles flew from his hair as he whipped 180 degrees and proceeded to moonwalk towards the beasts.

"Oh nice! So glad I made him forget flamethrower for this." Discord cheered as he raised a hand and tossed cash at the dancing stallion.

I really have no clue what is going on.

"I'ts a dance battle you paddy drunk!" Discord whispered in my ear as a fist tapped the top of my head. "Now shut up and enjoy the stallions dance moves."

I watched as the stallion in question bucked wildly and planted his back hooves into the jaws of the first dog then propelled himself up with the kick and socked the one next to him right in the chest. I began to join Discord and yelled support while waving my arm over my head like a man at his first bare knuckle brawl.

After a series of flourishing kicks and a fifteen second smoke break, don't ask, the stallion trotted up to me and extended a hoof. His eyes looked kind but had an edge of insanity to them. The fluff on his neck reminded me a little of Maire and judging by her sudden silence I figured she was trying to figure out what the hell happened.

"Almond Bark. Pleasure to meet you sir." The stallion spoke with a chipper smile and a wink. His hoof bumped my fist with a satisfying crack and he turned to Discord with a chuckle.

"Did you see the look on the last ones face when I bucked him right in the boys? Tell me his eyes looked like they almost popped out."

Discord waved a claw non nonchalantly and murmured.

"You didn't do half bad kid. I'll give it to you ya got spunk."

Almond smiled and pumped his hoof in the air.

"Element of Crazy here I come!"

A cold breeze whipped up behind us as I could hear Celestia clearing her throat.

"Element of what?" She asked with a cold stare at Discord.

Discord sputtered and seemed to shrink a tad with a wolfish grin.

"Well you have your Elements of Harmony I figured why not have some Elements of Chaos?" He whispered as he tapped his fingers together and gave what I'd describe as a desperate attempt at puppy eyes.

Celestia scrunched her muzzle and continued to drill holes in the strange creature as I diverted my attention to Maire.

"So you um. You ok?" I asked as I poked her side.

She looked at me with wide eyes and merely shook her head.

"What the hell was that?"

Well hello it's me Discord! Celestia and the writer didn't seem to like my little number with the boy band where we'd sing to victory but poo on him right! Well audience it's time for your voices to be heard! Who will the young Irishman boink first? Will he go at
A. The OC Pony?
B. Celestias sweet fat cake ass?
C. Take a giant meat log for the team?
OR
D. Me! I mean look at me, I am so hot you know.

I looked at the creature staring at seemingly nothing and merely blinked.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked as my hand twitched with the desire to punch the crazy dragon bear thing.

"Oh poo. I thought I was breaking fourth wall exposition! The writer must really have a drunken iron grip on the story."

Celestia came to my side with an eye twitch and sighed.

"Don't mind him. He doesn't seem to know what he's doing."

Discord looked to me with a wide grin and clapped his hands together.

"ENDCHAPTERNOW SAYS WHAT?" He yelled.

"What?"

Chapter Ten: I'm the Captain now

"Well hello my ponies! Discord here to read off the votes you cast for our protagonists love interest! The choices were a fiery OC, Big Booty Celestia, The man horse Centaur, and of course me! Hmmmmmmm... Add that sweet drum roll please! Let's see here you all voted and the results are..."

"..."

"Well you all are really disgusting perverts aren't you? I am truly flattered but as much as I'd love to wrap my prehensile Deep blue Delancie Dragon Dick up in that I must admit that I the god of discord do not swing that way. BUT a multispecies Eiffel Tower is not off the table."

I stared at the creature with growing annoyance. The bastard was off talking to absolutely nobody again and his speaking of three ways and wrapping a... thing.... inside of me was definitely not at all appealing. Dornan's Beard I needed a drink. His eyes popped out of his head and hovered in front of me as he began to laugh so loudly the ground seemed to shake.

"Oh when will my sempai notice me?" He mewled as his arms wrapped around me. For some reason he was wearing a strange schoolgirl outfit and had a pink wig resting on his head.

I had to give it to the guy, his ability to to shapeshift and make clothing pop out of thin air was something that I myself could be jealous of to an extreme degree. Imagine being able to be naked in your own home and if the door bell rings BAM! Magical dragon clothing.

"Discord."

The chaos god turned around and narrowed his eyes for a moment with a hiss. Bishop stood behind me with a incredibly large sword strapped to his side along with a satchel no doubt carrying more of the drug that sent me to paddy hell. I noticed that Bishop was gone for a visibly good reason as he was decked out in some kind of combat garb. His red leather tunic was hidden under a set of battered plate armor that ended right at his front legs. The embroidered cloak that he sported upon our first meeting made a triumphant return as did his steel gaze.

"Oh joy the king of buzz kills has joined the fray." Discord spat as he slithered up to the centaur.

"Well I'm here to tell you that you won't take my dear sempai away from me, the fans have spoken."

Bishop raised an eyebrow and lightly chuckled. That worried me. With a movement that was almost too fast for me to see Discord was tossed carelessly across the expanse of snow and buried under the white powder. Bishop dusted off his hands with a huff and turned to me and Maire.

"Are you two alright? I apologize for my absence from the battle but a few of the hounds got onto the train."

I shook my head and pointed a thumb to Almond.

"This guy busted out some weird Prince of Pop shite and took care of our problems."

Almond bowed deeply and approached Bishop with a wide grin.

"Bishop! I've heard so much about you. You took on a hydra with nothing but your fists and your wit, you stopped a Gryphon rebellion with a single glare! They say that you've bedded enough mares to claim a quarter of the population of Equestria as your children!"

No shit? Jesus This guy is one helluva consort.

Bishop rolled his eyes and ruffled the mane of the stallion.

"Aside from the Hydra none of that is even remotely true. I do however appreciate a fan so to speak." He mumbled as he turned his attention to Discord who was spitting out a small hill of snow.

"You know my good Bishop if you weren't protected from my magic I'd rule 63 your ass.I imagine you'd look fetching in a D or maybe an E cup." He spat with one last ice clump dislodging from his throat.

Wait can he do that?

Bishop snorted with annoyance and turned towards the road leading over a hill. I had this inkling of a feeling that things were about to get messy.

"Let us continue. We have stood here long enough and I fear the village may soon be under attack." Celestia proclaimed as she looked to the horizon.

"Awe yes! Plot Development!"

I smacked my head with a hand and wished that I could just wait on the train. The look on Maires' face however showed me that leaving her alone was a mistake I would come to regret. The troop tied the dogs together as I walked alongside Maire and Bishop towards the village. How in the hell did I get myself into this? One moment I was drinking myself out of a near death depression and the next I almost fecked a horse and was walking next to a guy that wanted me to be his bitch. The thought of going back home was starting to get more and more appealing.

"Hey Killain? Are you alright?" Maire asked quietly as she bumped my leg.

I looked down at the blue maned unicorn and smiled. I suddenly remembered why I was sticking around.

"I'm alright just thinki-" I stopped as my eyes scanned the horizon.

"Oh no."

The village was on fire. Well the remainder of it. The whole front of the entrance was cinder and ash. Houses were toppled over, stalls and wagons destroyed, and ponies running back and forth throwing water on the fires that remained. The scene was the opposite of what I had become accustomed to in the strange land. Devastation was the only word that came to my mind. I had never seen warfare or death before. I had been part of a few rescues like drowning in the harbor or a fire or two but nothing nearly as horrifying as this. Celestia was the first to speak as a gasp escaped her throat.

"We are too late." Celestia whispered as she broke into a full run to the ponies that began to gather as they saw us.

The ponies yelled and cried out as their matriarch tried her best to soothe them. Seeing Celestia like this made me cringe at my earlier treatment of the mare. She addressed each and every pony promising to fix the houses and repay and and all damages out of her own treasury.

"She cares for each and every pony as if they are her own children." Bishop began as I felt his hand on my shoulder. "The Diamond Dogs have never gone as far as to torch an entire settlement. Surely there is something strange afoot here this day."

I felt my blood boil as I witnessed bandaged and broken ponies surrounding Celestia bowing and begging for her aid. Whatever did this would pay and I'd be the one to damn well deliver the first blow. Adults and children huddled together with rags tied around open wounds while others were laid out on cots and were tended by the few ponies that were mostly unharmed.

"Help! Killian over here!"

I turned and saw Almond by a collapsed home waving a hoof at me. I rushed over and tore past him as a small cry came from under the wreckage. My mind flashed back to a fragment of a memory before my hands reached for the smaller bits of debris and cast them away as fast as I could. I would get her out. I would not fail. The beam that was blocking the source of the cries was heavier than I could manage yet I gripped anyway, pulling as hard as my body would allow. As I tried harder and harder to pull the impossibly heavy object up through the rubble I suddenly felt my head pierce with explosive pain and my vision fade to black.

"She's in the house! Please someone save my baby!"

I looked to the burning cottage and gritted my teeth as the explosive flame erupted through the windows with a deafening bang. A gas leak had caught in the home and my father and I had rushed in to Save Marjarine and her husband. The fire had spread faster than anyone could have imagined and looking at the flame filled me with dread.

"Please Cormac! My daughter is in there!" She screamed again fighting against her husband and my father as they held her close.

"Marj it's out of control it's foolish to lose both of you!" My father urged as he watched the fire spiral out of control.

I looked to the fire and felt my blood boil. Jen was a small lass barely ten and I was not about to let a small child go.

"Killian don't you dare!"

It was too late. My feet carried me as I slammed the door and ran headlong into the blistering inferno of the fire. The smoke filled my lungs as my ears strained to hear any sign of the lass. An echoing sob came from up the stairs and without thinking I charged on using my coat as a shield against the desperately licking flames. The beams of the house creaked and debris fell from the ceiling as I entered young Jens' room to see her huddled in the corner with her stuffed bear in her arms. Fear flashed in her eyes as she saw me approach and I extended my arms out to her as I tried to comfort her somehow.

"I got you. I got you. You're okay now."

"Killian!"

I opened my eyes to see Celestia, Maire, and Bishop surrounding me with wide eyes. I was sitting on the ground and felt something twitch in my arms with a soft sob. Looking down I saw a small mare, a child, nestled against my chest covered in soot. Her pink mane curled against my bare arms and her hooves were wrapped around me so tightly it hurt.

"Killian. Are you ok?" Maire asked with a waver in her voice.

"Yeah. Yeah. What just happened?" I asked as I began to pet the small mare with my free hand.

Bishop looked on with a blank expression as he pointed with one hand behind me.

I turned with the child still holding me and saw a large open space where the debris had once been. Pieces of the house including beams ten times my size were scattered all around the place, some of them broken as if by a tremendous force.

"You did that. Almond called you and next thing you were tearing into the house like a man possessed." Celestia explained as she draped a wing around me and the child. "You were chanting that you got her over and over as you ripped parts of the house apart with your bare hands. When you got to the filly you held her and nothing could move you."

I kept petting the whimpering mare and blinked a few times. I had done that? How could a man like myself even lift some of that material let alone tear it apart? None of that mattered. I needed to make sure the filly was alright.

"Hey it's ok. Are you hurt?" I cooed softly.

The filly looked up at me with the brightest blue eyes I had ever seen. Her tiny face shook as she stared at me and pressed her head back into my chest. She was so small I could have carried her in one arm, such a fragile little thing was holding me with strength I'd never have expected from such a small creature. Her fur was soft like a new born ducklings down, her mane was littered with bits of rock and singed wood splinters, and her eyes were filled with tears that could not be contained.

"Her parents..." Maire whispered.

I looked back to the debris and grimaced.

"Are they?"

Bishop pressed a hand to my back and shook his head. His face told me all I needed to know and yet it was a look of pure despair and defeat.

"Gone before we could get here. None of the other villagers could hear her cries."

I grimaced and held the filly tighter. What the hell could have done this? Who could hurt a small child?

Boys this is the president. We're going to war.

"Where are they?" I muttered while cradling the orphan.

I heard the sounds of crunching snow as someone cleared their throat. Looking over I saw Discord wearing a dead serious expression as he looked from the filly to the house to me. The god had an edge to him all of a sudden, the kind of edge a man has on the war path and the sight of such a thing created a respect for the normally joking asshole. He knew what I was thinking and I could tell he was thinking the same thing.

"Mountains east of here. They took all of their possessions, a few of the ponies to work as laborers and I don't imagine they are getting milk and cookies."

He snapped his fingers and rolled his shoulders as a strange amalgam of different pieces of armor adorned his body. Some green leather, some white and gold trimmed gloves, and a wig consisting of long golden hair. He reminded me of a bloody elf cosplayer or something along the lines.

"Discord. You aren't seriously considering going after them are you? I can have guards here within the hour to deal with this." Celestia urged as her eyes began to fill with worry and fear.

I stood with the filly still in my embrace and glared at the princess.

"Not gonna happen. I'm going in to and I'm gonna show those fecks how we deal with terrorists back in my world." I looked to Discord and nodded my head. "You got some weapons there?"

The god smiled too widely for my taste as a quiet laugh began to grow in his throat. With a snap of his fingers a white door appeared next to him as he nodded to it while Maire circled to the front of me with a look of concern and fear. Her eyes watered slightly as she pressed a hoof to my leg.

"I'm going with you."

I got on my knees and stared into her beautiful eyes. Gods above her concern touched my heart more than any persons ever had but this was my fight now. I wasn't gonna let a single one of those creatures walk away after what they had done.

"You have to stay here with the filly. Take care of her and help around the town. Discord and I are gonna dish out some old fashioned punishment here."

Maire scrunched her snout in frustration and hit my leg.

"I won't let you go!"

"Not up to you Maire. I'm going and you're staying."

Her eyes flashed with rage before softening once more. Her voice quivered as she jumped up and hugged me close.

"Come back please."

A chuckle came from my throat as I nuzzled the neck of the mare gently. Her fur still smelled sweet and a bit musky which kicked the deepest parts of my primal instincts into working mode. Maybe I did it intentionally to get myself worked up and ready.

"I'm going to. I might be a bit bruised and tired so a hot bath might be in order." I whispered into her ear with a soft kiss at the base of it.

Her smile widened before a tear rolled down her face.

"Go get them tiger."

Almond approached Discord and hung his head with a scowl.

"So I take it this is where I don't follow right?"

Discord laughed and patted the stallion on the head.

"Help these fools here and I promise you'll get a medal when I get back. First Element of Chaos if I see smiles when I come back."

Almond looked up and smiled faintly.

"You got it boss."

Finally I looked to Bishop who only nodded. I knew he would stay behind to help heal the injured. With any luck I'd come back and things would be a bit better than they currently were. With a small kiss on the fillies head I handed her to Celestia and followed the chaos god through the door.

"Out of all of the dimensions and mirror worlds out there yours has the best movies you know that?" Discord began as we entered a vast white space of nothingness.

"I don't really think now's the time to be critiquing my worlds films." I stated ignoring his apparent knowledge of my world. That would have to come later.

"Oh fine don't let me have my fun." He pouted as he snapped his fingers once more.

Walls of weapons manifested and raced towards us. Everything a fantasy world would have was suddenly all around me. Swords, maces, crossbows, armor, everything. Too bad I couldn't get my hands on a sawed off shotgun.

"Sorry the matrix doesn't run like that. Universal orders and all that."

I rolled my eyes and grabbed a saber testing its weight. As I picked up sword, axe, and hammer nothing felt quite right in my hands. With a frustrated groan I threw an axe to the ground and furrowed at my eyebrows.

"I've never fought anyone to kill before. Why can't you all have a decent gun or just beat everyone with yer fists!" I yelled with a growing thickness to my agitated accent.

"Well you know you tore that place down with your hands so why not..." Discord whispered to me as he snapped his fingers. My hands felt heavier and with a glance down I noticed he had coated my bare hands with a pair of thick gloves. The knuckles had silver raised plates and each was engraved with a letter.

"Muda muda??" I asked with a raised eyebrow to the grinning deity.

"Let me have this. Oh and if you could scream one punch!!! When you take out the head honcho too!" He said with big puppy eyes.

I groaned and shook my head.

"Come on. You'll be able to feel their faces buckle under your fists. Let me have just one. small. bit o' fun and I'll return the favor."

I looked him up and down with a raised eyebrow.

"How?"

The god smiled viciously and wrapped himself around me like a snake.

"You come with me, we raid the dogs hideout and beat them silly, save the ponies and all of that hero stuff. And when we're finished I promise you a whole chapter alone with you and your love interest."

"Chapter?"

He rolled his eyes and seemed to glare at nothing in particular.

"Three hours."

I pondered his offer and felt the heat in my gut grow hotter.

"Deal."

Maire sat with Celestia as ponies ran back and forth distributing supplies that the princess had summoned to them. Her eyes were surveying the delivery of the goods as her wings kept the now sleeping filly on her back.

"Princess?" Maire meekly whispered.

Celestia turned an ear then her whole body with a soft smile.

"What is it Maire?"

Maire felt herself shrink under the gaze of her matriarch. She had met her only a few time sand each was because of Killian. Even the most recent and unorthodox meeting had her hiding herself.

"Why don't you just get the ponies from the dogs and... wipe them out?" She asked even more quietly.

Celestia stopped and stared before closing her eyes and walking to stand in front of Maire.

"I made a vow not to use my powers for war. As much as I want to blow their home into tiny pieces I... I cannot." She began as she sat down and stared at the ground.

"I was not expecting this kind of chaos. Discord told me in his letter that he was close to getting the band away from the homes. But what we weren't aware of was the fact that several tribes banded together to raid this town. Discord was vastly outnumbered and with my commands for him not to unleash his own touch of chaos here he was unable to hold all of them off. He followed a group and was taken away from the town."

She sighed and pressed her wing against the filly.

"Because of me and my pride a little one has lost her family."

Maire stared at the ground and pressed a shaky hoof over Celestias'.

"It's not your fault princess. Sometimes there are things even a princess cannot stop."

Celestia smiled faintly and then frowned once more.

"Now Discord and your friend are on the war path. I knew that Killian had been absorbing magic from creatures around him but I never anticipated him to be able to channel that magic so... effectively." She said as she cast a glance to the ruin where he had torn through.

"That is only the beginning." Came the voice of Bishop as he dropped a sack of oats at the hooves of the princess.

"He has been around not only a unicorn but a god of chaos and an alicorn. I would not be surprised if his power will manifest again in a much more powerful display."

Maire stared at him and felt a twinge of fear inside of her. She had watched as Killian grabbed a piece of the house and tossed it aside one handed as if it was nothing. His face was one of anger and rage yet when his hands touched the filly he had been crying. What was he thinking when he had done that?

"You wonder if he is in control." Bishop stated as he looked down at the occupied mare.

"I... I do. There is still things I don't know about him. There are things that... That I need to ask him when he comes back. What if he doesn't come back?" She asked as she looked up to the centaur.

"I myself am unsure of his abilities. What I do know is that this journey and the things we all do will define him. I worry that this encounter with the Diamond Dogs will harden him more than it should. Being with a god of chaos doesn't help the situation since both of them are on a similar thought process at this current time. That being said I'm sure he will return unscathed."

Maire stared at the snow and closed her eyes.

"I just hope he comes back to me soon."

Celestia wrapped her wing around the mare with a soft smile and nuzzled her.

"He'll be back."

I stood in the blowing wind with Discord at my side. He had been kind enough to outfit me with a thick winter coat with some protective elements included. The steel shoulder pauldrons felt heavy on my thick frame as we pressed forward towards the cave entrance that he claimed held the dogs and their boss. The gloves, though finger-less, kept my hands surprisingly warm in the cold blizzard that neared. With a hood pulled over my head I raised my hand to look to see if any of the dogs were guarding the outside.

"So what's the plan human?" Discord asked as he pulled a comically large telescope from his pocket.

"Go in, beat those bastards, feck some shite up, and take out the guy who killed that kids folks." I muttered with growing anger.

His eyes looked down to me with some primal flash that was barely visible but there nonetheless.

"Take out? Don't tell me you plan to spill blood over this." Came his deep throaty hiss.

I'm gonna do far worse than just spill some blood.

"Guards, three o' clock."

Discord looked over and drew his bow with a creak. Three arrows flew through the sky and a series of "oomphs" and "Agh!" came from the distance. He took an arrow and showed me the small boxing glove on the tip of it with a laugh.

"Sorry, Princess orders."

I rolled my eyes and proceeded to trudge to the entrance. The cave dipped below into a large opening that was lit only by a handful of torches. I looked over a rock and counted the number of dogs down below. A cry attracted my attention as a series of ponies were forced into a cart by a dog much larger than the others.

"Oh that must be the dungeons boss." Discord gleefully whispered as he jumped up and down. "He's a big one too, think your unarmed skill is high enough to take him down?"

I nodded my head and walked around the rock towards the opening down below.

"INTRUDER!"

Not like I was going for the stealthy approach anyways.

A resounding crack echoed through the chamber as my fist collided with the face of the dog that had began running towards me with a spear at the ready. His muzzle crumpled under the weight of my fist and with an incredibly satisfying thump the dog hit the floor like a sack of potatoes.

"Hey asshole!" I yelled down to the growing crowd of hounds.

The largest, some bulldog looking thing, looked to me with red eyes and growled low and loud.

"You're dead." I yelled while smashing my knuckles together.

Discord knocked a series of arrows and laughed beside me.

"Wanna play who's the better fighter?"

I smiled viciously and felt a volatile energy bubble up inside of me.

"Yes."

Chapter Twelve: What was that about Clopping?

Author's Note

And Silent Author said:

Go forth and read thine goodness. Spread thine seed upon keyboards, socks, towels, and perhaps kin. Become one and enjoy the fruitful labors of an irish man and his whorse.

Also clopping. This is a sex scene. There is sex.

Carry on.

Also there is humor since this IS me. Working on the next chapter now and hope you guys get a little laugh out of this chapter that changes perspectives like, three times.

Chapter Twelve: What was that about Clopping?

"Well looks like Nobody is going to bother us this time." I managed to growl as I turned the weight of my entire body and pinned the shocked unicorn under the weight of my arms.

Her breathless gasp created a burning inferno inside of me like none before. Her mane was splayed on the floor of the train car but it might as well have been a thousand count threaded mattress or a sun side beach towel. The lustrous sheen of her mane reflected like the sun rising over the Isles of Scilly. Lords above every damned second of looking at her was enough to tear me into a million blissful pieces.

"Looks like it." Came her reply in barely a whisper. Her lower lip was in her mouth as her brilliantly seductive eyes looked up to me pleading, begging, hungering.

"Guess we're going to do this." I whispered as I raised one eyebrow and stared at her delightful grin as the words left my mouth.

"Are you nervous?" She managed to whisper as her eyes looked me up and down.

"Oh hell yeah."

Why wouldn't I? She's a pony... A sexy... mercilessly teasing... oh gods above feck it all I NEED THAT PONY POON!

Her eyes softened as she chuckled gently while trailing a hoof across the hem of my shirt. The fabric pulled up a fraction of an inch and her hoof touched bare flesh. Shite I nearly fell on top of her, the individual hairs of her hoof left trails of pure fire across my already hot skin.

"Killian?"

I looked into her eyes and cocked my head to the side.

"So... probably should start by saying that um..."

Her face lit up in a blush as her hoof covered her snout. I was practically close to ravaging her. The cuteness was overloading me, lords spit it out!

"You're um... my..."

GET ON WITH IT HOLY FECKIN SHITE WOMAN I'M ABOUT TO RELEASE THE NORMANDY FROM SLIP SPACE!!

Her head buried into my shirt as her small whimper reverberated across the muscles underneath. A small indiscernible squeak left her mouth. Gaining a bit more courage I leaned my own head down until my chin rested on her horn with a chuckle.

"First time?" I finally asked feeling the feral nature of my primal self ebbing away slowly to a more caring form.

She nodded her head slowly and kept herself nuzzled close to me.

"Scared mindlessly?"

Another nod.

"Having second thoughts?"

My turn to be surprised. The mare craned her head up to look deeply into my eyes with a determination that rivaled my own. Two hooves pulled me down as her lips met mine in the most explosive kiss of my life. Her lips connected with mine as tongues waged war on one another. Her overpowering muscle left not only the interior of my mouth soaked but also my lips as we pushed each other back and forth. Any mask I had being the dominant muscly Irishman crumbled as my hand wrapped behind her head and tangled its digits in her lustrous mane. The sweet cinnamon smell of her musk filled my mind as every part of me fought against the caged fire beast growing deep inside of my chest. Like a man desperate for oxygen I broke the kiss with a growl far deeper than I thought I could pull off.

"STAY." I commanded.

My lips met hers briefly before craning down her jaw line and against the softness of her sweet neck. A trail of euphoric destruction followed my movements as my tongue tore through the forest of her fur coat. No single spot was safe from my deep nips and bites as the mare under me squirmed with a growing volume to her gasps and mewls.

MINE

No she's mine ya damn wench.

A indescribable feeling tore through my body as I fought the deep desire to rut Maire into a quivering and near dead mess. My skin tensed and each hair on my body straightened out as my entire being became abundantly apparent at how much Maire was enjoying my ministrations and how much more she wanted.

"Killian!" She screamed in a higher tone than I had ever heard.

I hadn't even realized I was nibbling at the innermost part of her sweet thigh. I didn't notice my body moving of its own accord, the first kiss on the crease between thigh and pelvis. I couldn't stop the biting of her tail that she used to modestly censor herself. The pull, the cry, the hunger.

Pony, it's what's for dinner.

"S-so... Do human females have a similar f-feel!"

I nipped at her thigh with a growl and a hushed groan. Gods above the smell alone was driving myself into a type 10 fuck-machine. Control. I slowly regained composure and took her tail in my hand pulling it aside to finally lay eyes on my prize. As it came closely into view I paused, fully expecting something to interrupt me.

Nothing? You sure universe? Alright then finally getting to the goods!

It was so much similar to the lass' I had been with but not at the same time. A drop of moisture soaked into her thigh, and I swallowed. It was all I could do. She was thoroughly soaked and just seeing that was enough to make my heart catch in my throat. She really, really wanted me.

"Everything o-okay?" Maire asked with a discernible stutter.

"No. Patrick, Guinness and Doyles you're just..." I paused to lick my lips and force myself to look into her eyes. "You're feckin perfect. You know that?"

Her face went white before bursting into the deepest blush I had ever seen. Her big blue eyes struck me in a way that nobody ever had. Without another word I sunk down and let my tongue graze across her glimmering pink folds. The instant reaction traveled from her body down to her lower hooves where she twitched and thrust into my face. A purr traveled through Maire as she pressed her hooves to my head with a desperate yearning for my continuation.

She tastes like heavily spiced cider. Lord I may never get my dick wet if she tastes like this all the time.

I bathed in the scent, the sweetest and spiciest of ciders assailing my senses in ways nothing ever had before.

"Killian?"

JESUS FECK WITH ALL THE INTERRUPTIONS! FECKIN CHRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSST!

I cleared my senses and smiled up at the feverishly blushing unicorn as I placed my hand in her mane.

"Yes Maire?"

"I um... Ifeelthatwe'verushedthisalittletoomuchandI'mnotsurehowtogoforwardwiththis."

Whoo nelly, that's one helluva a fast talker.

"Well... Geeze I um..." I paused and felt a hand go to the back of my neck. with past lovers I had usually been thrown down between legs and held there till I damn near passed out.

"I understand I suppose. Really I do Maire." I began as I sat on my haunches and continued to rub the back of my neck like a schoolboy seeing his first pair of bra clad tits.

"It's not that I don't want you or anything... Because I really." She paused and closed her eyes as her tail brushed against what was my buffet. "I REALLY do."

The magic she was casting with her smell alone made it very hard for me to control the turbulent amount of need in my body. Shite and feck it all I needed to shut her gob with my meat pole and thrust until her mouth was filled with gooey Irish marshmallow cream.

"I'm just afraid that... This is only temporary."

Well that does it. Maire wants commitment? I can give that girl commitment.

"I don't think you'd have to worry. I'm kind of taken with you."

Her eyes stared into mine as a quivering smile crawled across her lovely face. That smile was telling me a million words and all of them were a repeat of FUCK ME.

"What the buck... Come over here and let's make an interspecies day of it."

I laughed harder than I would have liked and pulled her tail hard eliciting a moan from the unicorn.

"That's my line."

Her legs opened for me as she laid her bed back with a heated moan while my lips found my prize. The little nub was staring at me and wanted my undivided attention so I was going to give it to her.

"Stop teasing me and fucking dig in!" She cried out as her hooves found the back of my head and all but slammed me into the intoxicating depths of her nethers. The soft, wet flesh gave way under my tongue as I tasted Maire, teased her, made her...

"Mine." Came the thought through my mouth as I held her tight.

"Yes... Faust above make me yours Killian. Make me... make me your..." She trailed off and put a hoof into her mouth as she looked away ashamedly.

"Go on Maire. Talk dirty to me." I managed to whisper as I nibbled her nub with a growl.

That did it. The resounding groan and silence was enough to drive me mad.

"RUT ME, RUIN ME, JUST DO IT."

Oh... well then.

I nibbled her folds one last time before standing above her, my hands already on my pants as I began to take them down with a groan as the fabric rubbed against the tower of south command.

"I swear to Faust Killian if you don't tear those pants off and just... just... FUCK me I'll pin you down with magic and ride you until you can't breathe!"

Holy shite this mare is absolutely wonkers! But feck I'm hard just listening to her.

I threw down my pants and boxers and watched as her wide eyes trailed down my stomach to the tackle which pointed right towards the sky. Her eyes softened and I watched as she rolled onto her stomach and crawled to me while licking her lips. Her head craned up to look at me as she impishly pushed a hoof to my diamond hard pike which sent a rumble of pleasure all over me.

"Killian... I'm not sure I can take any of this..." She muttered as she licked her lips again and merely stared.

Now I'm no stallion in my world, oh no. I'm at most a solid 7' and anything more is a downright lie. But this mare looking at me was eying me like I was the biggest, blackest cock she had ever laid her eyes on.

And it made me feel absolutely fecking awesome.

"Can I... can I lick it?" She asked with a true innocence that made my mind swim.

"Um... please?" I whispered as I watched her hooves hold my cock in place as she opened her dripping maw and stick the very tip of her tongue against my shafts base.

JESUSFECKOHGODSABOVEHOWCANHERTONGUEFEELSOFECKINGAWESOME!?

"Are you okay!?" Maire cried out as she popped the very tip of my cock from her mouth.

She stared and groaned as within a second my hands had found the back of her head and I managed to shove the entirety of my tool into her hot mouth. I... had not intended to do so but the silken, hot, wet contours of her muzzle were doing WONDERS to me. It was like every pussy my cock had been in, times infinity, plus the sun, and add a topless cheerleading squad in the background fingerin and feckin and shite.

Maybe not that far but still, she was still the greatest thing to ever touch my tackle.

"Feck Maire... That's unholy the magic you've got in that tiny face of yours." I managed to groan as she lovingly suckled my entire length with a sweet little giggle.

She worked my entire organ with the precision of a porn star surgeon, her fervent licking driving my entire being into overdrive. The colors were more vibrant, the hairs on her lips teasing me was like a million hands stroking me, the smells... Gods above the smells. My resounding orgasm was nearing and the happy little mewls coming from Maire as she suckled was too damn much for one man to handle.

"MAIRE!"

She knew. God damn she knew. The moment her name left my lips she popped my shaft from her maw and moaned loudly as her hooves milked me.

"Make a mess Killian. Mark me... please."

The resounding blast of magic was enough to knock things around the cart. Her horn flared as brilliant flashes erupted from it, my own body feeling like a roaring fire as line after line of thick seed splashed across her smiling face as she let loose one of her devious "Maire Smiles."

"Get over here and make me your mare Killian. I can see you're still ready to go." She whispered as she rolled onto her back and spread her legs wide as she licked her face clean with a lingering gaze.

Feck. I'm in for it now.

ELSEWHERE IN THE OMNIVERSE

“Let me get this straight.” Came a low whisper that had an edge sharper than a razor to it.

Awe, yes. The always ominous “let me get this straight” spiel. I had perfected the fine art of disaster in my travels and this was definitely no exception. Standing around me were some very outdated gangsters wearing black suits wielding a myriad of weapons ranging from the common 9mm pistol all the way to a very puny switch blade. To normal eyes these men were your run of the mill buzz cut gangster wannabes. Some pretty tasteless haircuts if you ask me seeing as how despite the hours of torture my hair looked absolutely fabulous.

“You come into my den,” The voice continued as a shape made its way through the darkness behind the single light above my chair.

See? Absolutely a trope. These guys were gangsters by the fucking book.

“You kill several of my sentries, steal from my collection, bring cold iron into my home and you just expected to walk out alive?”

The shape came through the dark shroud while tapping a solid black cane against an open hand. Unlike the rest of the cookie cutter goons surrounding me this guy practically screamed ironic mob boss. This guy however had one defining feature that separated him from the HBO villains you see on TV.

“Hello to you too King of Thorn.” I spat as I tried my best to put on a shit eating grin.

The man smiled; or would have if his head wasn't a completely bleached Elk skull. Tar black runes etched the surface of his visage ending with teeth sharpened and all too willing to rip my head clean off. The horns were made from demon bone as any actual wizard could tell since they smoldered like lit coals eternally.

All in all? Zero out of ten would not use as a booty call.

“My name is Salaem to you Manchester Black.” He sneered as a three fingered hand adjusted his blood red tie.

Typical villains am I right?

“I‘m honored you actually know my name your majesty.” I said with a slight bow of my head and drawing upon my infinite reserve of heinous sarcasm.

The goons looked down at me and looked back to the boss. The lack of lips or, well, skin made it very hard for me to tell if the boss in question was happy, sad, or horny. I guess that’s what you have to expect when facing a fallen angel turned hellbeast.

“So when do your boys take turns slapping me and calling me a bad boy?” I hissed with a light chuckle.

The elk headed fuck merely shook his head as two white fires where eyes would be seemed to grow smaller. He let out a growl that might have intimidated a normal human but my testosterone and adrenaline were at an all time high and I was just getting started.

“You seem awfully cocky for a man that’s about to have his cock chopped off and fed to him. You have no power here wizard. We have removed every magical artifact including that absolutely ghastly item you had hanging from your cock.”

I laughed loudly and rocked my chair back and forth.

“I feel bad for whoever took that off. No homo my friend but that was probably the only non magical item on me.”

The king growled louder and brought a clawed finger to tap at his forehead.

“You must be insane Mr. Black. You’re literally going to die here and you’re seemingly enjoying yourself.”

“Only problem with your plan is that you assumed I was alone.” I sneered as a tiny brown and black blur jumped up the leg of the guard closest to my left and landed on my shoulder with a discernable squeek.

The shock of the immediate addition of a second player forced the goons and the king to freeze. On my shoulder, standing proudly with his tiny vest open was my closest friend and partner Gwynn. Gwynn the-

“Is that a weasel?” The king asked as he chuckled then pointed at me with a claw.

“You brought a weasel to watch you die? Oh Mr. Black I am very, very disappointed in you. You built up my hope that you were going to attempt an escape.”

Gwynn stood tall on my shoulder and wrapped his tiny paws on the bell that hung from his collar. With a tiny breath he opened his mouth and spoke with my own voice.

“INVOCA IGNIS!”

Within a solid half second the entire crowd of goons and henchmen burst into bright blue flames. Now I’m no physicist but my friend is and I was informed months ago that a flame as bright and blue as what I could conjure would roughly equate to 1500°C which was pretty damn hot even for familiars.

The men screamed and dropped to the ground. Unfortunately for them a fire that hot was an almost instant death sentence. I counted down the guards until there was one left that was frantically trying to point his gun to his own head. Too little, too late, and crack! All gone.

“Vinculis amittere.” I whispered through Gwynn and smiled as the handcuffs holding me to the chair fell away with a satisfying clank.

I grabbed Gwynn and put him in the inner pocket I sewed for him. He smiled and handed me the tiny bell with a chitter which earned the adorable bugger a pat on the head. Damn the bugger was cute and I was gonna spoil him rotten when I got out of this.

“He’s my little familiar and you were stupid to think I’d come alone. Give the little guy a Bell of Saint Martin and he serves as a powerful catalyst for my spellcraft.”

The king stared with his flaming eyes dashing to the now ashen mounds of his guards. The sheer energy coming off of the demon was enough for me to know that he was defeated. That was until he pulled his cane to his chest and snapped it in half.

Now I’m no master artificer but I know a auric egg when I saw one. The small egg shaped ball of green light hovered in the claws of the king as a soft chuckle came from his throat. Auric eggs were items that held immense amount of power and were usually the arcane equivalent of a small nuclear bomb.

“Did you really think I’d be so stupid as to allow you to live even if you bested my familiars? I’ll burn this valley to a crisp and take your soul to hell where it belongs!” He roared as his hand tightened its grip around the humming artifact.

“Shit no, but did you happen to know that I was a auctioneer a few years back?” I queried as I held the bell tightly in my fist.

He leaned back and paused as if to visually say “Are you fucking serious right now?”

“Ignis-et-vires-lapidis-invocare!” I cried out as fast as I could while the bell shone with a celestial light.

The room exploded in white light. I felt the very essence of holy power course through my veins and burn as it did. Beings that aren’t pure and void of sin can use holy incantations but usually have to suffer something.

I was suffering the burning might of a thousand damned suns because I'm FAR from sinless.

“I’ll get you Black! I’ll take you to hell and feast upon your soul!” The boss screamed while his body burst into ash within the waves of ever brightening light.

“Get in line you skeletal cock!” I managed to yell as the bell disintegrated and my hand flipped the bird to the remains of the demon.

Light. Fire. Burning. Fear...

Darkness.

At least there was... UntilI felt Gwynn scratching at my chest as some high pitched voice started crying my name.

"Manchester, wake up you gob!"

My crusted eyes opened slowly as my sight was blasted with a bright flash of blistering white light. The resounding scream from me must have startled the poor kid yelling at me and Gwynn since I felt the little ferret fly off my chest.

"What the hell! That hurt you stupid conjurer."

"Who the hell is talkin? What in the seven hells happened?" I groaned as I rubbed at my eyes and blinked them to get focus back.

Trees, grass, some strange rocks. All a little too colorful for my taste. And there, standing on a rock with it's tiny arms crossed was Gwynn. His head craned sideways as a very, VERY distinct snarl crossed his tiny face.

"That hurt you jerk."

It was in that moment that I, Manchester Black, traveler of worlds, slayer of demons, screamed like a tiny little girl.

In the bedroom of a strange white guy and his corgi.

Discord laughed as he hovered over the reclined office chair which housed a very tired and very annoyed male. Tall, lithe, and missing a very distinct mustache he massaged his temples as the god of chaos continued to jubilantly laugh.

"What? I can't have a little fun now and then?" Discord muttered as he watched his own words flash on a bright screen measuring the length of the bedroom wall.

"Wait, stop that. I'm a frilly fairy princess. I like to look at porn of Celestia." He proclaimed as his wardrobe changed to that of a-

Good lord would you stop that!? It's bad enough that I ended up here talking to you when Celly was licking frosting of infinite flavors off of my dainty little claws.

Not my problem that you had to pop in just as another gateway opened up and dropped another poor soul into your technicolor nightmare world.

Oh please, it's not ALWAYS my fault when a chaos portal opens up. I'm not the only god of chaos in the omniverse you know. There's John Delancie, Q, Pink Guy, Pinkie Pie, Filthy Frank-

Yes I'm quite aware of the chaos lords thank you very much. I'm the only peace lord in this universe anyways. Also what the hell are you doing in my bedroom. It's bad enough I get flack from the readers when I bring in possible same sex scenarios and pony poon.

Oh don't be that way. In any case with the newest addition to my world I'm sure everypony will get what they want. I know Killian sure has and speaking of which when are you going to get some "tail" my dear Ti- I mean Silent Author? And a self insert? How low even for you to bring up your word count all because you are so bad at describing interspecies sexcapades.

My sex life is none of your god damn concern you pudgy little Draconoques. And I'm not doing it to boost my word count YOU came here remember?

Yes I suppose in that case I'll go back... Killian and Maire have had their chapter and I'd hate for them to have poon to tool relations so soon in their relationship.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good bye Discord. Get out of here before I write your BDP into a BDV.

This is not the last you've heard of me Silent Author! I'll be back to ruin your fanbase and force you to write greentext for 4chan!

With that the god of chaos disappeared in a glittery fart portal. And good riddance.

So when do we bring in that collaborative piece?

... Not now Boss Level.

Chapter Thirteen: Clop Clop (Also a new human that is also a mage and maybe a sempai???) /)^3^(\

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter Eleven: Secret, But Fun.

The hours ticked by and Maire was beginning to grow more and more restless. Her hooves beat against the wooden floor of the inn that she and Celestia were moved into while the guard that arrived via teleportation took to the sick and those stuck under buildings. Her mane flopped carelessly into her face as she paced back and forth with a growing concern for her human. Wait? Her human? Maire plopped down in a corner of the room and sighed loudly.

"Promised myself I wouldn't get attached again." She muttered as she pressed her face into the hoodie that still smelled faintly of Killian.

"Affection works in mysterious ways my little pony." Celestia stated plainly as she sat at the table across the room with a cup of tea and the filly from the wreckage sleeping on her lap.

"You've said that again and again today Princess doesn't make it any easier to swallow."

Celestia looked over with a raised eyebrow and smiled. Her eyes surveyed Maire and wondered if perhaps the human had touched her with his own blend of magic for she was radiating with newfound energy. Celestia knew that it was the power that was coming from Killian that had begun to draw certain ponies and other creatures close to him. He was becoming a beacon of sorts and it was her own secret desire to make sure that power was on her side.

"Maire, perhaps while we are alone you can tell me more about Killian."

Maire froze and eyed the princess with a quiet whimper.

"What would you like to know?" She asked with a muffled groan.

Celestia turned her attention back to her tea while petting the sleeping filly with a wing. She was sure to be careful how she worded her questions so she would not reveal the things she knew.

"What did you find while walking in his memories?"

Maire seized up. Her eyes went wide and a blush settled across her face as she stared dumbly at the princess. How could she know? Did Luna say something? What did she know? Celestia sighed and set the glass down with a loud clank.

"Your secret is safe with me regarding what you found there. My sister has sent me a full report about that certain memory. So the question is..." She paused and looked back to the unicorn with one eye. "What do you plan to do with that information? With the power you'd have over him?"

Maire found herself shuffling her front hooves against the ground out of nervous habit. She had seen that part of Killian and a part of it was horrifying to say the least. She wasn't exactly sure what to do regarding it.

"I still care for him." She began as a she let out a sigh and approached the princess. "I don't know what it was I saw. It scared me but I know he or it would never hurt me or a pony that wasn't already deserving it. Killian is a kind and gentle stallion and I consider myself very lucky to have him around."

Celestia chuckled and licked her lips.

"Fair words for a mare that has known him for only a few days but has seen more of him than a lifetime could show."

Maire nodded her head and looked away from the matriarch. Celestia had the power to obliterate nations yet she was speaking to curtly to her. Perhaps it was Killian rubbing off on her.

"Regardless I will not be able to continue following your journey in person after this day is over. That being said I expect you to send me reports on Killian and his actions. If at any point that thing comes out you are to notify me or Bishop immediately." Celestia explained with a deadpan face.

Maire gulped and found the strength to ask her question.

"Is that why you sent Bishop? Killian may not know it but I know what Bishop really is."

Celestia chuckled and closed her eyes.

"And you know? Tell me then, what is Bishop?"

Maire stood tall and found a growing annoyance inside of herself.

"A monster hunter. I've heard the tales, I've seen him in the field when I traveled through the badlands. He's a hunter of evil beasts and that is why you sent him on this journey. You want to make sure Killian can be contained if anything happens."

Celestia opened her eyes and froze in place. Maire certainly was much more intelligent than she gave her credit for.

"Well you know then why I have sent him to serve as your guide. I did indeed send Bishop to contain Killian if he was to prove a threat or if he perishes during the journey. My hope is once you both reach Saddle Arabia they will be able to cure him of his affliction." She paused and tapped her chin. "I wonder if Killian will figure out that it is not mind rot that infects his being?"

Maire was about to voice her curiosity when the door opened to reveal a stallion clad in shimmering armor.

"Majesty! The human has returned with Discord!"

Maire stood wide eyed before her hooves carried her out the door and down the stairs. She bolted out the door and saw a group of dead silent ponies gather at the gates to the village with looks of shock on their faces. Discord led the party carrying three colts and fillies in his arm as he laid them down on the ground so they could bolt to their parents. Several more ponies followed cheering and yelling for their loved ones.

Discord turned his attention to Maire with a weak smile. His armor was torn, his eyes tired, and his clawed hand burned slightly.

"Where's Killian?" Maire asked with a growing fear in her gut.

Discord chuckled half heartedly and pointed behind him. There a short distance away was Killian. His coat was torn at both sleeves leaving his bare arms exposed to the elements. His hood was pulled over his head so only a grimace could be seen as he dragged the body of an incredibly large Diamond dog behind him through the snow. Maire ran forward and stopped short as fear crept through her whole being. His hand was clenched on the back flesh of the creature that stared wide eyed and silent at the sky.

"K-killian?"

I snapped out of my thoughts at the sound of my Maire. With a grunt I dropped the boss to the ground and pulled my hood back with a grin.

"Hey there! Brought home the bacon so to speak." I cried triumphantly as I pointed to the dog behind me.

I saw the look on the young mares face and felt my inner fear creep over me.

Great. She's scared to shite of me now. What a great way to celebrate my victory.

With a cry though I was dragged from my thoughts of a well deserved triumph speech as Maire tackled into my chest with her hooves wrapped around my neck. Her lips found my head, my cheeks and finally my lips as the salty taste of tears touched my tongue. Gods above her kiss was almost enough to make me believe I wasn't in crippling pain.

She's not a half bad drug.

"I suppose saying I'm okay isn't gonna cut it is it?" I asked with a chuckle after she took her lips from mine.

Her eyes were all over me. No doubt this close she could see the scratches on my arms and the cuts under my left eye. Hell she could probably see the damn blackened lines of burns on my shoulders where my sleeves once were. Shite that would be difficult to explain.

One thing at a time now.

"So I beat the boss." I whispered to the shivering unicorn while holding her tightly.

Her wide eyes looked to the still body of the dog and back to me. I had a feeling of what worried her as she stared for a few more moments at the body. With a swift kick the dog grunted and looked up to me with a flash of fear.

"Darg give up. No hurt Darg. No more fire." He whimpered.

"Fire?" Maire asked gently.

"Killian!"

I looked over to see Bishop running towards me with his hand resting on his swords hilt. The poor guy looked like he had been running around the whole town while I was gone as the bags under his eyes suggested. Stopping short of me and Maire he looked down at Darg with a worried expression.

"He lives?"

I nodded my head while absent-mindedly petting Maire behind her ears. Damn it all to hell she was still so soft! How could she be so soft?

Bishop narrowed his gaze to me and bared his teeth.

"Why is he still alive?"

Oh boy looks like I got some splainin' to do.

"He can't hurt anyone anymore. I made sure of that when I... He won't be a problem. Where is the filly?" I said with a cringe.

Celestia appeared from the crowd with a tiny filly next to her. I barely recognized the filly as she trotted slowly towards me with her bright sky blue eyes looking me up and down. What discomfort followed could never be put into words, here I was battered and no doubt a scary sight to behold and with the thing that took this poor lass' life away. My heart stopped as she stood right at my feet and her lip quivered momentarily before slamming a hoof into my knee.

Ouch.

"T-thank you." She whimpered. That voice was like a tiny crystal bell and gods did it hurt my heart to hear.

The entire square of ponies remained silent. Even the boss that I had drug miles behind me remained in a state of shocked quietness. Everybody waited with held breaths as the filly walked to the side of Darg with her eyes growing colder with each step. Had I known such a small child could take on such a look I would have just put the poor beast out of his misery.

"Why?" She asked with her eyes staring into the dogs.

It didn't even take a microsecond for the reply.

"Darg want pack. Darg alpha, take pack, take ponies. Ponies lose, Darg move to new cave." His eyes shot wide as he looked to me. "Fire man beat Darg. Fire man take cave, take pack, take Darg. Fire man new alpha."

The crowd murmured among themselves as a small prick of fear crawled up my spine. I wasn't quite ready for other ponies to know what took place in that cave. I was certain already that Discord was gonna open his big fat dragon mouth but was pleasantly surprised when he chimed in.

"He got moves cuz' he's a man on fiya!" He yelled while crossing his arms with visible gold rings adorning each finger.

Classic.

This seemed to calm everyone a hair which allowed me to continue my explanation.

"As the new alpha I commanded Darg to pay back for the destruction he has caused. His hoard, his treasures, and everything he stole from you is yours to take back. His pack is no more and he will serve the rest of his life as a servant to this town."

Everyone murmured once more with a louder tone.

"How will we know he will honor the word of you?" One stallion yelled out from the crowd.

This got the ponies talking.

Of course nothing could be easy for me. Nobody can just take my word without a show of reason. Feck.

Celestia flared her wings drawing the murmurs and talk to a resounding close. Thankfully sun butt seemed to understand that I really, really, wasn't ready to open that can of bait.

"Enough. These two have rescued the ponies of this village and have put their lives on the line so that you all may be with your families. Let them rest."

I nodded my head to her and picked up Maire with a startled squeak. With the unicorn hoisted over my shoulder I walked towards the train.

"Where are we going!" She yelled as she squirmed in my tightening grip.

"No talk. Discord can buy us three hours of quiet time and I'm gonna make every damn second count."

"What do you me- oh. OH." She whispered as she stopped squirming and nuzzled into my back.

"I'm glad you're back."

Yeah... me too.

Celestia stared at Discord as he took a cup of tea in his nimble claws.

"Are you certain?" She asked silently with a raised eyebrow.

"Yup Couldn't ever mistake that power for anyone elses. Never thought we'd have a wanderer come into our world." He mused as he snapped his fingers and dropped a whole bag of sugar into his tiny tea cup.

Celestia furrowed her eyebrow as she paced back and forth. Having such a force present in the world would surely bring nothing but chaos and fear to every corner of the kingdom. What would effectively contain such a threat if it could not be bent to the control of those that could ensure its safe usage?

"You can't control it. Only he can my dear." Discord hissed as he snaked around the startled goddess' body and traced a claw along her jaw.

"I saw what he could do with it. If you encourage on hurting my dear Killian-kun I'm afraid I'll be unable to help you in any way." He continued as she glared at him.

"You seem so much more confident in touching me Discord. What has gotten into you?"

Discord smiled viciously as he glued his eyes to hers.

"A wee' bit o' fire. It's not everyday I encounter a rival being of pure chaos. Perhaps having Killian here will tip the weights of the world back into my favor."

Celestia felt her breath catch in her throat as the god of chaos wrapped his hands around the base of her left wing.

"I'm not saying that we shouldn't watch him. I just believe there are much more interesting ways to make him stick to our side."

Celestia cast one final steel glare to the draconoques.

"And what would those ways entail?"

Discords' eyes lit up as he came dangerously close to the princess.

"Distraction."

I slammed the car door shut and tossed Maire onto a nearby bench as I locked the door as tight as I possibly could. I was not gonna waste a moment that I knew would only come this one time. The car was warm but I knew most of the extra heat was coming from me. After the fight I had felt like I was practically on fire.

"Well here we are!" I yelled as I peeled back the now sleeveless coat and tossed it to the side as I looked at Maire.

She was smiling, her eyes pools of lust filled desire, as she bit her lip and fidgeted I knew that she was waiting and ready to go.

Or so I thought.

"What happened in the cave?"

Oh feck. That million dollar question I really don't want to answer.

"Maire I really, really, need this." I pleaded as I felt the heat grow hotter.

Her eyes were steel plates and she crossed her front hooves over herself. With a sigh she hopped off the bench and motioned me to get down to her level. I got on my knees and watched as she traced around me dragging her soft as sin tail across my bare skin. Gods the feelign of each thread touching my skin left trails of carnal blazing lines.

"Killian."

Her face was in mine as my eyes opened and her lips pressed against mine in a climactic start to a hopefully fruitful evening. She broke off with a gasp and looked at me with red cheeks and glowing eyes. Her look held a promise of something I had been aching for but first...

"Talk to me Killian. You can tell me what happened."

I remained silent and groaned softly at the pressure in my pants.

"Killian... No matter what happened you can tell me. I'm not going anywhere and besides.." She trailed off as a hoof touched my abdomen and trailed down slowly. "You tell me and I'll take you to a place you've only dreamed of."

THIS IS A COMMAND FROM THE PRESIDENT. INITIATE ACTION TRUTH SAYER!

I sighed and picked her up to lay her on my lap. If I was gonna get serious I might as well have a soft body to keep me warm. Where to start though?

"We got there and took out a few guards at the entrance. After taking a few of them out things got a little... Hectic."

The guard crumbled under my fists as more and more came from the holes around the expanse of cave. I felt like Neo in "The Matrix." The more that came the more fell. The big dog sat back with his back against the wall with a grin on his face that was begging for a fist to knock those teeth straight down and out his ass.

"Discord! You doing alright?" I yelled as I grabbed a guard and tossed him into an oncoming group.

When did I get so strong?

WE

My head throbbed with pain as a foreign voice echoed like a whisper but hit like a roar.

"Doing fine sempai! How are you faring?" Discord yelled back as he popped a wave of enemies with a comically large "extendo-punch".

WE

A blow hit my right shoulder with an incredibly painful crack. A shiba looking mutt had hit me with what looked like a 9 iron. Another toss and I knocked down more like bowling pins. Had I not been full of piss and vinegar I would have had more time to worry about my sudden amount of strength.

WE

"Who keeps yelling we at me!" I roared with another solid punch into the gonads of a german shepard looking feck wielding what looked like a diamond encrusted dong.

THAT WOULD BE US.

The world froze. Quite literally froze. Every creature was held in place as if someone had hit the pause button on a really crappy VHS player. Color drained away to shades of ice blue and gray as a distinct growl came from behind me. With a shaky breath I turned and quickly wished I hadn't.

Well that wasn't there a moment ago.

A towering beast hung over me made from stone and fire. Quite literally that. Two large legs were brought into the apparently female chest of the giant as cracks in the stone radiated with tails of flickering flames. A face that not even a mother could love peered over arms crossed over the legs as two flaming orbs cast a sinister glow over me. Thin smoldering branches made what looked like hair over the monster that made me fear being burned if I got any closer.

YOU KNOW OF US.

Boy howdy did the memories come flooding back. My mother used to tell my the old Celtic legends and family history but one story always stuck with me even into my adult years. And vivid visions of a monster hiding deep under the isle had haunted my dreams for far longer.

"Caorthannach." I whispered in shock as I took a step back.

YOU KNOW US OVATES. YOU CALL US IN PAST AND YOU CALL US NOW. THE SIDHE HAVE LET THEIR BLOOD FLOW THROUGH YOUR FAMILY AND IT HAS FINALLY CALLED TO US.

"Mother of devils. The fire spitter. Jesus Saint Patrick you're actually real." I stammered while still staring in shock.

Wait, did she call me an Ovates?

WE HAVE COME OVATES. YOU ARE FUIL CEANGAILTE. YOU ARE BOUND BY BLOOD TO US.

"Okay... Well I think I'd know a lot earlier if I was blood bound to the FECKIN MOTHER OF ALL DEMONS. Didn't Saint Patrick Banish you?"

The face creaked like stone pressing against stone as a frown appeared on the demon. Listening to the sudden and stopping movements was enough to make me lose my hearing but her roar was enough to kill me.

WE HAVE COME. YOUR BLOOD CALLS SO WE HAVE ANSWERED.

I stood painstakingly still as I tried very hard not to shit my pants. The demon mother, fire spitter, creator and birth mother to Dearg Due. An entire history was crafted in the Celtic Mythology about her descent into the depths at the hands of a Saint.

AND IT WAS ALL FECKIN TRUE

"You came here for me?"

The demon queens eyes looked down at me with a growing heat and glow.

YOU CALLED WE HAVE COME.

"But why? I didn't call you trust me!" I yelled back while pointing an accusing finger.

Visions of saving the fillies life flashed in my head with painful detail as did the memory of saving a little girl from a fire. Despite the burning and the falling debris I had never once been harmed, never burned, never scarred.

"I'm feckin fire proof?" I managed to grunt out as I fell to my knees.

YOU ARE OVATES. YOU ARE CALLER, WAKER, SHEPARD. YOU CALLED WE ANSWERED.

"So pray tell what is it you can do then! Go on! Burn these fecks to the ground then. Let loose some hellfire!"

The demon stopped as a smile crept very slowly across her face.

WE ARE BOUND. WE ARE TRAPPED.

It was then that I noticed for the first time that the demon was indeed bound up. Old iron shackles kept her hands together while a series of old iron rings were stuck to her legs and biceps.

"Iarainn Fuar. Cold iron binds you. That means you can't help me much doesn't it?"

The demon hissed and I felt the room grow even hotter.

YOU ARE CALLER, WAKER, SHEPARD. WILL IT AND MY POWER WILL CARRY.

I stared for a moment and watched as old runes began to glow wit a brilliant blue hue on the shackles that bound her arms. The same light glowed from my hands as a thrum of pure power coursed through my veins. The demon hissed again and planted her eyes on me as the world began to slowly resume its speed.

WITH POWER COMES THE PRICE. YOU HAVE WILLED IT YOU MUST PAY.

"Whatever. Let's just lite some hotdogs."

The sounds came back to me deafeningly as the diamond phallus weapon soared across the air and back towards me. If I had indeed seen Caorthannach then this would be easy. If I hadn't then I was about to get bludgeoned by a royal sex toy.

"Burn!"

Power flowed through me as my fist became alight with a brilliant red flame. My fist connected with the bat in a swinging arc and a shower of molten metal sprayed forth from where my skin touched it. I had melted the damn thing just by touching it!

"Alright. Who wants to go next?" I yelled as the entire room fell silent.

The big dog near the wall stood to its full height which dwarfed me by nearly three feet. As it approached with a large axe in its grip I heard Discord yelling over the crowd.

"Remember to say the thing!"

Well shite. Today has been crazy enough so why the hell not?

I charged headlong at the thing and called upon the power of Caorthannach as much as I could. I leaped from the ground with my fist pulled back and let out the loudest roar I could.

"ONE PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!"

I finished my tale and looked down to see Maire scrunching her muzzle despite my heavy petting.

"So... Caorthannach is a demon from your world?"

"Yup."

"And you're some sort of shaman magic user thing?"

"Sounds about right."

Maire paused and dug her hooves gently at the fabric of my pant leg.

"Aren't you scared?" She finally asked while turning her body and propping her front hooves on my shoulder so her face was in front of mine.

"Oh yeah! It's not everyday you hear that mythology is actually fact where I come from! Not to mention out of all the demons and monsters from my corner of the world it had to be the mother of all of them!" I yelled exasperated.

Her head rested on my shoulder and a quiet sigh escaped the lips of the unicorn that I had recently become very fond of.

"So what's the price you have to pay?"

I paused for a moment and tried to think if I had lost anything after launching an Irish Firebomb in the face of Darg. I knew that in the old tales that using magic and miracles was usually quite strenuous and yet I felt fine.

"Uh... That is actually a really good question. Tell you what, next time I see the towering fire demoness I'll be sure to ask for a bill."

Maire groaned and took my face in her hooves.

"You're impossible."

"Yeah I sure as hell am."

She stared at me for what seemed like an eternity before connecting her lips to mine and began exchanging the wettest and most erotic kiss of my entire life. Her soft fur tickled my nose as my own hands went to her sides and pulled her closer to me elliciting a delightful murmur from the mare. Her barrel pushed against my chest as I began to recline back finally laying down as she straddled the top of me. The light of the lamp above us made a halo form around her mane as she smiled sweetly at me.

"So uh... You're not going to go run screaming into the distance?" I asked almost too sheepishly.

"Nope." She replied with a light giggle.

"And you're not going to use me as a weapon against your enemies?"

Maire pressed a hoof to my mouth and lowered her face to mine, cascading my vision with her mane.

"Killian. This may be a lot to take in but I'm here for one reason and one reason only." She began as she traced a hoof across my chest.

"And um... that would be what exactly?"

Her words came forth slowly and drenched in flirtatious lust.

"You."

Oh shite.

"Well uh... damn Maire you caught me at a loss."

She smiled wickedly and leaned in to nibble my ear.

"Just one thing worries me." She whispered gently.

"Oh? What would that be?" I murmured while massaging the flesh of her thighs.

"You're not only into mares are you?"

SHITE SHITE SHITE.

"Well uh... um..."

She pressed her lips into mine in a hungry growl that sent a clear message to south command to go full green light.

"You." She said with a break before planting a kiss after each word. "Are. Mine. First. And. Foremost."

She kissed me deeply once more as I felt a familiar fabric wrap around my left arm. Sure enough casting a peak down I saw Maires' hoodie that she had let me borrow what seems like a lifetime ago.

"As long as you got this you're still mine." She whispered with a heated groan. "I've waited way longer to have you to myself and not a single pony is getting in the way of it.

I grunted loudly as she pressed her weight on my crotch.

"Not a god of chaos, not Caorthannach, not Bishop and definitely not Celestia."

She looked down at me and licked her lips as her horn glowed brightly closing each and every window and shading all of them at once.

"You promised me I wouldn't leave this train. Let's see if you can deliver."

Feck me. Discord you better keep your promise.

Discord sat on the same chair he was perched on as Celestia looked him over with a faint blush.

"You're keeping me away from them aren't you?" Celestia asked as she watched the god of chaos hum joyously.

"I made a promise Celi. I could never go back on my word and I did promise him a chapter alone with his little unicorn soon-to-be-lover."

Celestia lowered herself and glared fiercely.

"And what makes you think you can keep me here?"

Discord smiled widely and placed a finger under her chin and lifted her up to his eye level.

"I have the one thing you can't say no to." He whispered as his hand brushed across her cheek.

"The one thing you missed the most while I was encased in stone for all those years. Yes, I faintly remember you getting absolutely addicted to me."

Celestia bit her lip again and felt her wings move of their own accord.

"You wouldn't dare."

With that Discord wrapped his prehensile body around the mare and held his hand out to her.

"Chaos Cake."

Celestia watched with wide eyes as a cake manifested in the open hand of Discord. The cake was legendary, each bite was a different and even more succulent variety of cake. You would never bite into the same flavor twice.

"You're evil." She groaned as she licked her lips.

"Enjoy it my dear. You probably wouldn't get another chance to try it."

With that Celestia lunged her face into the cake and began to fervently devour it.

"Oh? And what were you all expecting?"