Confectionery Differential
Twilight was in a casual canter through the western residential area of Ponyville. She noticed that there were far less ponies out in the streets now that Discord had become a self proclaimed "Television Pony". Anything that involved Discord was a bad idea, but Princess Celestia and he appeared to have some kind of agreement. He was reformed, and she nearly allowed him to reign over Equestria so long that she approved of his ideas. Basically, if the plan didn't include anything too otherworldly or destructive, Princess Celestia allowed it.
A few weeks ago, Discord appeared in her castle, right in the middle of a meeting between Twilight and Celestia, and he was wearing a blue, collard work shirt with Discord embroidered on the breast above his shirt pocket. He presented a bright red tool box and proclaimed that he was with Colt's Communications, and that he was going to install cable television. The only weird thing about it was that Equestria didn't have television. There were no ponies recording shows, airing documentaries, nor were they starring in soap operas. Of course, the humans did, so that's what Equestria was given: Human television.
Discord, in his insanely unrestricted power, outfitted every home in Equestria with a small television and an antenna on their roof. At first, ponies didn't know what to make of it, but then they watched the humans and loved it. Pretty soon, there were newspapers dedicated solely to the relationships of famous humans, and everypony was talking about the next episode of whatever show they were watching.
Twilight thought it was a bad idea because it appeared to take away the social workings of everyday life. She looked around the streets of Ponyville while she approached Sugar Cube Corner, and they were nearly barren of ponies. She couldn't help but feel like books were already hard enough to get somepony to read; it had to be impossible now. She opened the door of Ponyville's confectionery with her magic and entered.
The store had been renovated to accommodate the television that hung over the right side of the counter. Mrs. Cake was gleefully icing a cake while patrons stood in line and stared mindlessly at the humans that were speeding around in fancy cars and shooting at each other. Twilight didn't care for the violence or the sex that was broadcast during all hours of day and night.
"Hello, Mrs. Cake." Twilight greeted. She stood for a long time and watched as nopony recognized her existence. Although she didn't require it from her subjects, she would still get the odd bow here and there. Nowadays, they simply continued to stare at the box which had captured their attention so heavily.
Mrs. Cake waved with a hoof while she continued to put the piping on the customer's cake. She was usually very quick with that kind of thing, but with the addition of the television, she could take all day, and most customers were nary interested in how long it took. It was probably terrible for business because it was also difficult to get customers to leave and make room for more patrons.
"Ahem. Well, I'm going up to help Pinkie with a project." Twilight said. Mrs. Cake simply nodded, but was far too busy to answer. Twilight didn't mind. Princess work had her too busy to speak with anypony sometimes as well. Twilight went to the stairs on the south wall, and she admired the pictures of the Cakes twin foals as she made her way into Pinkie's loft.
To Twilight's surprise, all of her friends were there. There were two ovens on the south wall, and a countertop that bisected the room. On the north wall was three racks of cookie sheets that were filled with burned creations that did not resemble cookies. There were a few that were simply lumps of undercooked batter.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash sat across from each other at a table just beyond the counter in the center of the room. Rarity sat at the west end of the table, and while Fluttershy was at the east end of the table, she was turned to face Pinkie Pie that was standing at a white board. The ingredients to a frosted sugar cookie was written in black dry-erase marker across the board.
"You're late." Pinkie said in a low, gruff voice while she pointed at Twilight with a cane. It wasn't like a fun, brightly colored candy cane, it was the type of cane that a pony would use to assist them in walking.
"I'm sorry, Pinkie. I was-" Twilight began, but Pinkie interrupted her.
"Don't waterboard me with excuses, find a seat." Pinkie stated firmly.
Twilight recoiled and raised a brow. She shrugged and let out a nervous chuckle, "Um, okay." And then she took a seat next to Rainbow Dash at the north side of the table.
"So, we're trying to come up with an appropriate cookie to help Twilight celebrate Starlight Glimmer's anniversary of beginning her studies." Pinkie said while erasing the board. She turned slowly to Twilight, "You would know that, but you were too busy for Twilight."
Twilight shrugged, "I met with the Princess today."
Pinkie Pie chewed her lip for a moment, "Interesting."
"Why is that interesting?" Twilight chuckled.
"It isn't." Pinkie shrugged with a haughty smile. "Anyway, folks, cookies, give me some." She said while she looked over the empty white-board.
"Frosted sugar cookies." Fluttershy said.
"No, we did that for Hearth's Warming eve." Pinkie Pie negated while she flipped the top open on a small, white container.
"Pumpkin spice, candied apple crisps." Applejack said.
"Chocolate chip. It's a classic." Rainbow Dash said.
"Starlight is allergic to pumpkin extract, and we want this to be a memorable cookie. Generic chocolate chips won't cut it." Pinkie explained while she took a single gum drop from the container and swallowed it whole.
"Just candied apple crisps, then?" Rarity suggested.
"No, too bland." Pinkie said.
"Oatmeal?" Applejack said with a small wave of her hoof.
"Gosh, Applejack, really?" Pinkie said. "Starlight's two favorite things are pecans and maple syrup. You give me oatmeal?"
"Sorry." Applejack apologized sincerely, and Twilight was shocked.
"Shouldn't we just talk to Starlight Glimmer. Maybe she can tell us what she likes?" Twilight laughed. "Hosting a differential seems a little silly when we can just talk to her."
"Everypony lies, Twilight." Pinkie said, "Never talk to the recipient. It'll only distract you from what you need to do."
"What? That's ridiculous." Twilight turned her hooves out and scanned her friends for agreement, but was surprised to find that they were nodding with Pinkie Pie. "Okay, sure. How about a pecan lebkuchen?"
"No." Pinkie said.
"because?" Twilight said while leaning in.
"Because that's idiotic." Pinkie said with an arrogant smile.
"Pinkie, you're being really mean." Twilight said.
"We're here to bake cookies, Twilight." Pinkie said and then she waved a hoof at the staircase, "If you're not okay with that, there's the door."
Twilight waited for one of her friends to stand up for her, but they all remained silent. She glanced between each of them, but they had a look on their face like Twilight was being silly. She shrugged and gave a little gesture for Pinkie to continue.
"Alright, then. Has nopony considered a gingerbread cookie with sugar coating and embedded pecans." Pinkie suggested. The other ponies nodded in agreement.
"That's a lebkuchen." Twilight flatly stated.
"Yeah, but it was stupid when you said it." Pinkie dismissed and then she waved at the ovens, "Applejack, go bake a sheet of gingerbread. Fluttershy, lay out the nuts. Rainbow Dash and Twilight prepare fun shaped cookie cutters. Rarity, I need you to prepare the piping. We want them to have fun phrases on them so make sure the nozzles are extra tight."
The others immediately sprang into action, but Twilight just stared at Pinkie as she balanced a felt ball on the hook of her cane. Pinkie stared back and then leaned toward Twilight, "That means now."
"Pinkie, we need to talk." Twilight commanded, but not in a mean way. She was hurt, and upset that Pinkie was being so rude, and that her friends were okay with it.
"Oh, Celestia. You're going to open up to me, aren't you?" Pinkie groaned.
"You know, when I was a filly," Twilight scoffed.
"Ugh, here we go." Pinkie said under her breath.
"I never really had an interest in making friends, but now that I have them I don't want to give them up. That being said, I don't think it's okay for you to treat me however you want." Twilight gushed.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Is this party for you?" Pinkie asked sarcastically.
"No."
"Ah, so you just want me to coddle to your..." Pinkie stopped mid sentence and stared at the ground.
Twilight shook her head, "No, I'm not asking you to show me special treatment like I'm overly sensitive. I'm just asking for a tiny bit of-"
Pinkie suddenly took off in a determined canter for the door, and she galloped down the stairs. Twilight stared into the space that Pinkie Pie was in a moment ago and then shook her head. She looked at her friends that were diligently working on their assignments and shook her head again.
"Twi, these cookie cutters aren't going to shape themselves." Rainbow Dash said from the counter.
"You're okay with her talking to us like that?" Twilight asked.
"Sure, it's not ideal, darling." Rarity started while levitating a row of pipers from a cabinet, "But she's seriously good at what she does, so we put up with it."
"We need to put together an intervention. This isn't going to work." Twilight stated as Pinkie returned and stood in the doorway.
"Idiots!" She yelled.
"What is the problem now?" Twilight scoffed.
"Caudle." Pinkie said simply. "It's similar to eggnog, and served as a festive Hearth's Warming drink with our friends from Trottingham."
"Okay?" Twilight said.
"You can't simply have an alcoholic beverage floating around the party without a hoof-food to pick at while you're drinking." Pinkie said with a grin. "Come on, Ponies!"
"By Luna's grace, you're talking about tassies." Fluttershy said.
"Not just any tassie, Pecan Tassies." Pinkie said. "A dozen is made with a half cup of pecans, and the filling is sweetened with brown sugar, and two tablespoons of... what?"
"Maple syrup." Rarity stated as if it were the greatest discovery known to ponykind.
"It fits!" Applejack proclaimed.
"Exactly." Pinkie patted herself on the back. "Make the tassies at 350 degrees for 22 minutes, and we'll have a happy party." With that, Pinkie popped another gum drop in her mouth, and left the room.
Twilight sat on her haunches and threw her fore-hooves in the air. "Can anypony tell me what has gotten into her?"
Fluttershy chuckled, "She's been watching a lot of House, M.D. and we're having fun playing along. Last week we were playing Orange is the New Black, but it got too weird."
Twilight blinked a few times, "Is that a television thing?"
Rainbow Dash laughed, "Yeah, Pinkie insisted she was Crazy Eyes, and kept threatening to cut me over Rarity."
"It was not very fun after a few days. Pinkie takes her rolse very seriously." Rarity explained.
Applejack shrugged, "We're lettin' this one go cause it's been pretty productive so far."
Twilight watched them work for a moment, blew air, and then shook her head at herself, "I'll run downstairs and get the syrup."
Author's Note
I may continue this with other shows, but I doubt it.
