Your Happiness Is All I Want
From the first moment I laid my eyes on you, I knew that I, Diamond Dazzle Tiara, was never going to love any other pony in my life time. We must have only been seven or eight at the time, but I was so sure of it that I was willing to bet my life on it. I still am.
How did I know? There was no one singular thing that I could point out about you. The way you stuck up for your family was honorable. The way you galloped to the aid of your friends in the face of danger was courageous. The way you treated all life equally and passionately was envious. The way you selflessly forgave one's mistakes, regardless of their severity, was breathtaking. Those were just to name a few.
I knew deep down that my love for you was perverse. We were both fillies, for Celestia sake. There's no telling what everypony would say if they found out about my unwavering admiration and longing for you. There's no telling what you would say.
And so, it was a with a heavy heart that I pushed you away from me. I did whatever I could to isolate myself and shield you from my perverse love. I succeeded in this endeavor through jeering and teasing. This, however, was not without its consequences.
Every time I bullied you, I could see through your eyes how much pain it caused you. The pain I dealt was delivered doubly back to me. I could feel my heart wrenching, throbbing as you quivered in fear. The pain didn't get any easier to deal with as time progressed. I was always told that life was never easy.
The first time I bullied you must have been the worst though. I felt so sick to my stomach afterward that I retched up the contents of my stomach. The whole event left me with the worst feeling I had ever felt in my life. That night, I sobbed myself to sleep. I couldn't tell how long I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning.
I'm not sure how long our relationship stayed like that. Months? Years? I had lost count. I knew one thing for sure. I could see your unhappiness, and it was killing me. When I had found others like you who had no cutie mark, I saw the potential in them. I could use them for your sake.
As much as I tried to look out for your wellbeing myself, the rift that I willingly placed between us made that difficult. I knew that if they befriended you, they would look after you. They could make you happy where I was unable. I invited all of you to my Cute-señera in the hopes that you would all come. In my own way, I silently encouraged you to band together against me and even against the world.
When you became the best of friends, I was so happy for you. I can still remember my tears of happiness I shed from afar, away from any potential onlooker, as the party dragged on through that night. I couldn't help but smile at how quickly you formed bonds with them. Oh, Apple Bloom, I can only hope that the adventures that await you are spectacular.
As time drew on, as the seasons changed from spring to summer and then fall to winter, I could see how much you grew alongside your new friends. It was the first time I knew joy. I could only hope that I was a small part of your growth through my participation in our meetings.
Though my heart ached, it was not nearly as bad as before. Just when I had thought that I couldn't stand this pain I was feeling any longer, you had found such good friends. Knowing that they were there beside you was enough to keep me going. Maybe, just maybe, this life of isolation would be bearable after all.
Sometime later, long after I had resigned myself to this fate, the student body election had come. In some ways, it might have been better to have never happened at all. That was such a turbulent time for me, chock-full of mixed emotions. From my unrequited love for you to my mother's misinterpretation of my attitude towards other ponies, I didn't know what was up from down anymore.
With no warning what-so-ever, you came to my aid. Your kind-heartedness was so unexpected I didn't know what to do. I couldn't say no to your heart. I was so scared what would have happened if you had found out about my feelings right then and there. I was so close to telling you. A small part of me wanted you to know.
I knew that was selfish, however. In my mind, it was as if this perverse love of mine would somehow deprive you of the happiness you deserved. I'm glad that Pipsqueak had come to the clubhouse when he had, otherwise there is no way we would be friends now. Oh how I feared your hatred.
You had grown so strong, Apple Bloom. I was proud of you. Yet, I knew that from this point onward, there would be no reason for us to interact with one another. I couldn't very well hang around you for much longer. It would have been too easy for me to admit my feelings to you, and I didn't want to complicate your life any more than I already had.
Still, I knew there was something that I could do for you. One last parting gift that I could give you before we drifted away from each other forever. I raced back to the school, where I ended up funding the reparation project of our school play yard. I never found out for sure if my gift to you was adequate enough, but you seemed to be happier afterwards, so that was as good of an indication as any.
Afterward, we talked less and less. As if we were just strangers, we seemed to stick within our own cliques. This period of my life was by far the hardest. Though I could still watch you from afar, my life was bitter-sweet after that. Many long nights I spent awake, staring up at my ceiling and just mulling over my love for you, fantasizing what it would have been like if I could be together with you.
It was in this way that time passed. Years passed us on by until we were young mares fending for ourselves. No matter how much time had passed, my love for you never waned Apple Bloom. In fact, it only grew stronger. I continued to watch you that entire time as you grew into the gorgeous mare that you became, and my desire for you was quickly becoming intolerable.
I needed some kind of interaction with you, no matter how small it may have been. It was on one hearth's warming eve that we reunited at Sugarcube Corner. We must have been eighteen or nineteen at the time. We exchanged an amiable greeting, if a bit too distant for my liking.
At first, our conversation was light-hearted. We talked about our friends latest shenanigans or what our latest hobbies were. I must admit, I couldn't recall half of the things you said that night anymore. It was fun to just listen to your beautiful voice, even if it only temporarily satiated my desire for you.
When our talk naturally gravitated towards family, you suddenly clambered up. I immediately knew something was wrong. I hope you understand that I couldn't help myself then. I couldn't go on knowing that there was something wrong and I wasn't there to do something about it. I couldn't stop my heartfelt concerns as I pried the information out of you.
I was devastated to hear that your sister had died the night before. Forgetting myself, I knocked over our table and grabbed you into a supportive embrace. This had created a scene at Sugarcube Corner, but I didn't pay much attention to all the onlookers. You were the only one in my world. I could feel you sobbing into my shoulder. In response, I started crying too; I think you might have noticed.
After that, I placed myself back in your life. It was for your benefit, I told myself. You needed all the support you could get in this period of your life. This time around, the dynamic I played out was drastically different from the first time around. Instead of bullying you, I comforted you through friendly gestures.
It was tough to tell myself that my caresses weren't anything more than a friend's touch. Despite my best efforts to control myself, my hooves would linger a little longer than they should have. I just couldn't help myself. it felt so right to hold you in my hooves. It took all I had to hold myself back from doing more. I think you noticed this too.
I had gone on for so long without telling you anything, and suddenly I felt like I was exposing my heart to you. I was so nervous that you'd somehow find out, that one day you would just call everything off and leave me an empty shell. I couldn't allow that to happen, to leave you to alone to your misery. After all, you had taken your sister's death pretty hard, Apple Bloom. I was worried that you might do something drastic without some stability in your life.
To give you this stability, you needed something that I couldn't give you. The comfort of a lover's touch. I could see it in your eyes, too. Your eyes practically begged for someone to fill the void in your heart. Oh how I so badly wanted to be that lover, to run my hooves through your mane and kiss you tenderly as I whispered sweet-nothings in your ear.
Knowing I couldn't give you this myself, I settled for the next best thing. I endeavored to find somepony more suitable for you, who could love you unconditionally. I didn't want you to have to worry about the stress of society bearing down on you with its views of the way life should be.
By the time I had first brought it up, however, it had already been nearly a year. "Is there somepony you had your eyes set on?" I had inquired. I had insinuated that we wouldn't be young forever, that we'd have to find gentle colts to sweep us off our hooves. This got a rise out of you, and you shouted about how you'd never find a gentle colt to settle down with. I found this news peculiar, but I continued to pry into your love life regardless.
Eventually, after much insistence, I had gotten you to admit to having a small crush on Button Mash. I personally didn't see anything special in the colt, but it never was about what I wanted. Your happiness was paramount. With a big smile planted on my face, I had promised to help you win his heart. I found it funny how I seemed to be more ecstatic than you about my offered assistance.
As it turned out, it took quite a bit more effort than I had originally suspected to bring you two together. Button Mash didn't seem to be open to the idea about you two as a couple at first. He had only recently gotten out of a relationship himself when I had first contacted him. After much persuasion, I managed to get him to agree to going out with you on a date.
I remember your shy little laugh as I broke the good news to you. "Great..." Your reply was a little off beat, but I assured you that there was nothing to worry about and that I'd help you every step of the way.
Your relationship started off slow at first. You went on several dates without finding common ground. Yet there was always something that kept you going back for more. If I looked closely enough, I think I could make out the bond that was starting to form between the two of you.
When I had convinced myself that you no longer needed my help, I pulled myself away from you once more. I began drinking my nights away, recounting all the fun times I had as a filly, every interaction we had together. I'd hold myself tightly as I thought of you. I frequented bars, and would never leave until they closed. It was always in the early in the morning; sometimes, it wasn't until four in the morning.
Several more years had passed. I must have been twenty-five by now. All I had left to me was the fortune my parents had left behind when they passed away. I had the family business, but I wasn't running it nearly as well as my predecessors. My mind was never quite in the right place.
I think you had gotten married at some point. I had heard rumors that you were trying for a foal to call your own. Heh, I could have had a life like that, perhaps, if I had been a little stronger.
Everything was more or less the same nowadays. My daily routine didn't alter very much, and the days seemed to bleed together. The apple whiskey was always a comfort on the way down though.
On one particular evening, while I was visiting one of my favorite pubs, I saw your face. I didn't make an effort to approach you, despite how much I wanted to know how your life was going on.
As it turned out, you were the one that approached me at the bar. I tried not to look surprised, greeting you quickly as I downed my drink. I had intended to leave right after finishing my drink, but you put your hoof over mine, stopping me. You ordered two drinks from the bartender before saying anything.
"Ah called it off."
My mind drew a blank as I stared at you. Then, alarm bells went off in my head. You had separated from Button Mash. I felt an anger spark in me directed at the colt. What has he done to you?!
Apparently I had asked as much, because the next thing that came out of your mouth was the response, "It wasn't anythin' either of us did. It's just...we weren't right for each other."
I stopped dead in my tracks, the anger subsiding somewhat. I thought you liked him? Was that not the case?
You shook your head then, Apple Bloom. "Not really. Ah never did. And Ah'm done pretending ta like somepony Ah don't." You started rubbing your hoof across mine affectionately, which served only to confound me further. What was going on?
I stared at my drink, trying not to think of how good it felt to have you hold my hoof. I felt a blush coming on as I took another swig. It seemed everything that I had done for you was coming undone; I wasn't sure where I had gone wrong. Had I been too forceful in bringing you two together?
"It isn't that," You said. Evidently I was still talking out loud to myself because you continued to respond to my inquiries. "Ah think we should take this conversation somewhere more private. And don't you dare run out on me again. Ah have something important to tell you and Ah think you'll wanna know what it is." I could only nod in assent.
During the trot back to my estate, I was frantic. This was it wasn't it? You found out how I felt about you and you were going to oust me weren't you? As we neared the estate, I hung my head in shame. My life was about to be over, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Farewell, cruel world.
Once we were inside and the door shut behind us, you immediately pounced on me. I withdrew in fear, not expecting things to get so physical. I clenched my eyes shut and awaited for you to strike me.
Suddenly I felt something warm touch my lips. My eyes shot open and there you were, passionately kissing me. My heart was beating so fast that I thought it would burst out of my chest. Since when...?
A flurry of kisses attacked my lips, my snout, and my watering eyes. "We've waited long enough for this, don't ya think so?" I heard you ask as you pulled back and stared down at me with such love and longing in your eyes.
I looked away shyly. I could feel my face heating up as I suddenly realized what this meant. You never really had a crush on Button Mash. That look of longing your eyes held, that was meant for me wasn't it?
You nodded and whispered, "Ah've known ya harbored feelings for me for a while now, but Ah figured you'd come ta me in your own time. Ah guess Ah was wrong, huh?"
I was crying freely now. I had no idea; I was so scared that I'd be-
"Shh," You murmured in my ear before nibbling on it affectionately. "We got a lot of making up to do if we want ta make up fer lost time, Diamond. Ah love ya."
I do too. I'm so sorry for holding back my feelings for you back for so long. I think I will enjoy this embrace for a while longer, I thought to myself with a smile on my face. For the first time in my life, I felt whole.
Author's Note
I originally wasn't even aware that I was inspired to write this by the song. It wasn't until I finished it and read the lyrics that I realized how closely things align up (at least in my mind they do). Anywho, I'll write a whole blog post about my feelings and ramblings on this one shot so I don't have to flood this Author's note.
