Life, Love, and Jupiter's Moon Europa
Live by the Sun, Die by the Moon
Author's Note
This bundle of nonsense is dedicated to each and every one of my followers!
Live by the Sun, Die by the Moon
Up in the sky above the Crystal Empire was something…
Unusual.
Europa—one of Jupiter's moons—was in orbit around Equus. It was a most peculiar sight. Mainly because it hadn't been there until about five days ago.
The other, much smaller, reason being that it wasn't even from the same solar system as Equus.
“Where do you think it came from?” a crystal mare asked another mare.
The other mare tapped her chin. “Maybe Flurry Heart got into Shining’s liquor cabinet,” she said after a few seconds of deep contemplation. “I'm sure it's nothing.”
***
“We’re all going to die and there's nothing we can do about it!”
The normally calm, collected, and disciplined Shining Armor was running around the throne room in a circle.
All the while, Princess Cadance looked out a nearby window at Equus’ new neighbor.
“Honey, I don't think panicking is going to do anypony any good,” she said as she turned around to face her husband. “And lower your voice. You're going to wake up Flurry Heart!”
Shining stopped mid stride and faced his wife. “Cadance, who cares about the baby!?” he snapped, a look on his face that could only be on the face of somepony who hadn't slept in three days and had hit the wall more than a few times. “We’re all doomed! The crazy haired smart colt said so!”
Cadance raised an eyebrow. “What exactly did he say?”
“He said it's going to crash into Equus and kill us all!” Shining said. “Not even Celestia can stop it!” With that, he began running in circles again.
Cadance shook her head and looked back outside at the impending doomsday moon. Just why did you come here?
***
On the surface of Europa was…
Nothing.
Looks like Cadance’s question won't be answered in a cut away.
***
Meanwhile, Cadance snapped away from eyeballing Europa. She stepped away from the window and trotted out of the throne room (and past her still panicking husband). After a bit of walking, she arrived at two large, crystal encrusted doors. She walked through them and saw a large desk with the chair turned away.
“Mister Doom Sayer,” Cadance said graciously. “I must speak with you.”
The chair turned around and revealed a grey coated earth pony colt with a mane so wild, one could easily mistake it for somepony who was just electrocuted with a hundred thousand volts and then sent through a wind tunnel.
Doom Sayer smirked and stood up. He trotted over to Cadance and pressed his muzzle up against hers. “I told you so!” he heckled as he jumped back. “You all laughed at me! ‘Oh, he's just a crazy pony. Ignore him’!”
Cadance watched as Doom Sayer jumped around like a crazy pony, rambling on about how he was right all along.
Which wasn't much different from how he acted in public, but Cadance deduced it came with the name.
After a bit of the incessant lunacy that was Doom Sayer's yelling, Cadance used her magic to yank the braggart—who still bore an arrogant smirk—in front of her.
“Just tell me what you know about the damn moon,” she snarled, her breath hitting the colts muzzle.
“Well, if you let me go, I'll show you everything,” Doom replied with a smirk.
Cadance dropped Doom, who dusted himself off and grabbed a file that was on the desk. “The object in the sky is known as ‘Europa’,” he said. “It's from a neighboring star system, and is normally a moon of the largest known object in said system.”
“So, why is it here?” Cadance asked quizzically.
“I haven't got a fucking clue,” Doom said with a hint of agitation in his voice. “Could be because of Discord. Maybe Tirek.” He looked Cadance dead in the eyes before he growled, “Or maybe your very own husband.”
Cadance raised a hoof and slapped Doom across the face. “Don't talk about my husband like that!” she growled. “He doesn't have the power to pull off such an incredible feat! Let alone the cruel nature to endanger all of Equus.”
“It was a joke, Cadance,” Doom said as he rubbed his cheek. “I know Shining wouldn't do something so reckless.” He pulled out another file and held it out towards the princess. “He, however, would!”
Cadance levitated over the file and looked at it. “Wild-Eyed Astrovius?”
Doom nodded. “An old roommate of mine!” he said. “Crazy bastard said he wanted to destroy the world because he couldn't get a marefriend. I bet he did this!”
Cadance skimmed through the file. “Right…” She slowly placed it on the table and cleared her throat. “That file was nothing but games of tic-tac-toe and hangpony.”
Doom grabbed the file and looked at it. Sure enough, it was empty. “Oh. Guess I forgot to fill it out with actual information.”
“You don't have anything of worth, do you?” Cadance asked with a blank expression.
“No, I just wanted somepony to talk to.” Doom said. “I get lonely when I'm not promoting my new theory.”
Cadance shook her head. “So, was any of that crap you said earlier even true?”
“Well, Wild-Eyed Astrovius did say he'd try to destroy Equus,” Doom said. “If I was you, I'd go at least question him. He lives on the west side of town in a goofy looking cottage!”
“Beyond that?”
“Buy my new book, and you’ll-”
Cadance grabbed Doom’s shoulders and shook him. “I don't care!” she yelled. “Just tell me!”
“No, I made it up after a night of eating pizza and cranberry juice,” Doom deadpanned. “There, happy?”
Cadance nodded and walked to the door. “By the way,” she yelled back. “I'd leave if I was you. It's not wise to break into a royal intelligence offi-.” Before she could finish her sentence, Doom Sayer zipped past her and vanished around the corner at the end of the hallway. “Well, time to find this ‘Wild-Eyed Astrovius’.”
Cadance left the castle and stepped outside. Immediately, she was greeted by dozens of ponies, many asking the same question.
“What's the big thing in the sky!?” a filly asked.
“Are we all going to die!?” a mare asked.
“Does anypony know if it's now legal to kill my boss?” a colt asked. “If we're all going to die, I'm going to gut him like Griffons gut their dinner!”
Everypony became quiet. They all turned to face the colt; their mouths agape.
“What? He deducted from my pay after I stole a pen,” the colt said. “He totally has it coming!”
The mob ran after the colt, who hightailed it away from the castle. Cadance, meanwhile, took to the sky and flew towards the west side of the Crystal Empire. Almost immediately, she noticed the place Doom Sayer had been referring to.
A tall cottage that looked like something out of a game of Jenga. She landed in front of the front door and knocked on it.
A unicorn stallion with a red coat answered the door and gave Cadance a smarmy smile. “Good day, your highness,” he said halfheartedly. “How may I help you on this absolutely terrific day?”
“Are you Astrovius?” Cadance asked as she repressed the urge to punch the unicorn square in the muzzle.
“Yes, I am,” Astrovius replied. “Why do you ask?”
“I was told by somepony named Doom Sayer that you're responsible for that moon in the sky,” Cadance said as every ounce of dignity inside of her died a slow, agonizing death.
Astrovius stared at the princess of his home empire like she'd just turned into a chimera. “Oh, he told you that, did he?” he sneered. “I didn't summon that giant thing in the sky, nor did I do anything else that dipstick might have told you. However, I did hear that a crazy hermit in Coltland might have. My cousin Astroveas—the numskull that he is—told me. He said the stallion’s his neighbor.”
Cadance facehoofed. “You're joking, right?” she asked; frustrated.
“Hey, you can opt to not believe me,” Astrovius said. “We can sit on my lawn and watch as the giant rock of death kills us together!”
Cadance frowned. “Fine,” she said. “Where's your cousin live in Coltland?”
“Neigh Avenue. Orange house.”
“Thank you,” Cadance said. “That said: if it turns out you're lying, I'm gonna kick your flank.”
“Somepony’s stressed,” Astrovius said with a chuckle. “Now, have a good day!”
Cadance cursed under her breath and swiftly returned to the castle. She made her way to the courtyard and walked up to the carriage. “I need to get to Coltland as quickly as possible!”
The stallion near the carriage raised an eyebrow at the sudden request. “Why do you need to go there, your highness?”
“That big rock,” Cadance answered as she pointed to Europa.
“Oh, fair enough,” the stallion replied. He turned to face the pegasi who were enjoying a game of cards nearby. “Alright, stallions!” he yelled. “Your princess needs to save us all from the giant rock of death!”
I hope I can save Equus… Cadance thought to herself as she got into the carriage and the pegasi were strapped onto it. A short while later, the carriage took off and made its way to the city of Coltland.
***
A short while later, Cadance arrived in Coltland.
Fast asleep.
“Your highness!” the stallion yelled as he shook the princess. “We’re here!”
Cadance groggily opened her eyes and yawned. “W-we’re here already?”
“We’ve been here for fifty minutes, and it took us two hours to get here,” the stallion deadpanned. “I'm amazed you slept through the card games the pegasi have been playing.”
Cadance's eyes shot open. “Wait!” She stood up and grabbed the shoulders of the stallion. “What time is it!?”
“A little later than yesterday!” one of the pegasi yelled.
“Hey, can it!” the stallion yelled back. He turned to Cadance and said, “It's twelve.”
Cadance let out a heavy sigh and shook her head slowly. “Okay, where's this Astroveas?”
“Hey-o, Princess!” a dark green coated unicorn stallion yelled from where the pegasi were seated. “Looking for little ole me?”
“Oh, yeah, we went and fetched Astroveas while you were out,” the soldier said. He motioned for the unicorn to come over, which he happily did.
“Hey there, princess!” Astroveas said as he wildly shook Cadance's hoof. “I'm Astroveas of Coltland, Orecolt! It's a pleasure to meet you!”
Cadance slowly shook Astroveas’s hoof back and asked, “So, your cousin Astrovius says a neighbor of yours is responsible for that object in the sky.”
“Oh, that was a joke,” Astroveas said. “We had a family reunion a few days ago, and we all began talking about that thing. I chimed in and said that the hermit next-door to me did it.”
Cadance groaned. “Did any of your family sound genuine in their claims?”
Astroveas tapped his chin. “Umm… my uncle Astrovaleo told me a contact of his might be responsible.”
“And where does he live?” Cadance asked, a slightly hopeful look on her face.
“Hooftown,” Astroveas answered. “Tiny place in southern Idahoof. His house sticks out like a sore thumb. Trust me.”
Cadance sighed and looked at the stallion. “Well, time to saddle up,” she said as she walked over to the carriage. “Again.”
“Oh, don't be like that,” Astroveas said with a smile. “My uncle's a wonderful pony! He’ll definitely help you out with your predicament!”
“You realize if that rock hits Equus, it'll be everypony’s problem, right?” Cadance asked with a surprised look on her face.
“Oh, it isn't that I don't know,” Astroveas answered. “I just don't care. Like, at all. I have a lot of repressed anger and sadness. In fact, I actually want to choke the life out of you, princess!”
The stallion stared at Astroveas, slack-jawed. “Kid, you know you can go to prison for a really long time for saying that, right?”
“Yup,” Astroveas replied with a smile. “Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to let you all deal with our impending doom. Bye-bye!” the stallion said before he happily skipped away from the group of dumbfounded royal visitors.
The stallion turned to Cadance and back to Astroveas, who skipped around a corner as he whistled a nameless tune. “So… want to leave now?” He asked the princess.
“Please?” Cadance asked as she hopped into the carriage. She rested her head against the back of the seat as she watched the stallion motioned for the pegasi to get ready, much to their dismay. I haven't even been out here for more than three hours, and I already want to eat a watermelon-sized cyanide pill.
After a short while, the carriage took off once again. Cadance looked down at the world below and smiled to herself. The city of Coltland was a marvelous sight to behold from the sky, with hundreds of small structures lining the streets.
“You know, my brother was mugged down there,” the stallion said from the front seat. “Poor bastard didn't have any bits on him, so he got stabbed.”
And suddenly, its image was much less magical to Cadance.
“I'm, uh, sorry for your loss,” she said. “I can't imagine what it's like to have a sibling taken away from you by such a senseless act of violence.”
“Shit happens,” the stallion said. “I hadn't spoken to him in a decade, so I didn't have too much of an emotional connection.”
Cadance raised an eyebrow and sat up. “Why? Did something happen that caused a rift between you two?”
“No, I just never had the time to really talk him,” the stallion answered. “Comes with having this kind of job.”
“Oh, well, I'm sorry mister… umm…”
“Joe,” the stallion said with a blank expression on his face.
“Joe?” Cadance tilted her head. “That's an interesting name.”
“My parents weren't very creative with names,” Joe said. “They named my brother Table Head.”
“Why?”
“They were both drunk.”
Cadance shifted around uncomfortably. “Umm… can we please change the topic?” she asked sheepishly.
Joe let out a heavy sigh. “Nopony ever wants to hear about my family.”
“Oh, no, it's not that!” Cadance said. “It's just… well, I'd rather not talk about something sad when we're all at the risk of dying.”
Joe waved a hoof dismissively. “I'm just screwing with you, princess,” he said. “Don't worry your pretty little head over it.”
“I'm not.”
“Ah, good, because I was worried you were actually afraid of that stupid rock,” he said with a chuckle.
Cadance groaned and slouched in her seat. “I'm just gonna rest my eyes,” she said before she shut her eyes.
“Heh, okay,” Joe said. “We’ll be there in about five minutes though.”
Cadance let out another groan. Kill me, Auntie Celestia.
***
Four minutes later, the carriage landed outside an octagon-shaped house that was painted a mixture of purple and green. Outside it was a lemon yellow coated unicorn stallion, happily gardening.
Cadance stepped out of the carriage and walked over. “Hello,” she said softly.
Astrovaleo looked up at the regal mare and turned away. “Go away,” he said. “If you're here about my taxes, I'll get to them never.”
Cadance shook her head. This whole family is going to drive me crazy, she thought. She shook her head before she—as calmly and with her best ‘I’m totally not going to drive a garden hose through your skull’ face—said, “I’m here because your nephew said that a contact of yours is responsible for our impending doom in the form of what I'm told is another solar systems moon.”
Astrovaleo quickly turned around. “Wait, Astroveas sent you here!?”
Cadance smiled. “Yes, he did,” she said, a hint of joy in her voice.
Astrovaleo sighed. “Crap, I'd hoped he somehow died after the reunion,” he said. “Whatever, I don't have any contacts outside of the ones in my eyes, and my bitch of an ex-wife. Now, go away before I have to actually do something that requires effort.”
Cadance took a deep breath. “I've gone from the Crystal Empire to Coltland, and now to here, because of members of your family,” she said as she barely maintained her temper. “Surely you must know of somepony who knows about the doomsday moon.”
Astrovaleo stood up and turned to face Cadance. “Brilliant assumption, princess,” he said sardonically. “And the answer is no! I don’t know a damn thing about that stupid moon.” He pressed his muzzle up against Cadance's as he seethed with anger. “If you care so much about that stupid thing, go talk to my sister, Astrovianna, on the other side of town. She's one for gossip.”
“Can you tell me-”
“Big ugly orange house,” the unicorn growled. “Now, get lost or I'll make sure you stay lost.”
Cadance slowly backed away from the ticking time bomb of a unicorn, who simply glared at her as she got back into the carriage. “Can we charge him and his nephew with threatening my life when this is all said and done?”
“You're the princess,” Joe said as the carriage took off. “You tell me.”
Cadance—as with any pony who bore the weight of being the one who must save the world—sunk into her seat. “Let me just sit here until we get there,” she muttered under her breath. “Thanks in advance.”
***
Twenty five seconds later—give or take a few—the carriage landed in front of a large, dark orange house that was shaped like a tea pot. Outside it was an orange coated unicorn mare, who was sunning herself.
Cadance hopped out of the carriage and teleported up to her. “Astrovianna?”
Astrovianna looked up at Cadance. “Oh, hello there princess. What brings you to my humble abode?”
“Your brother said you might know something about the moon that's going to hit Equus,” Cadance said. “So, yeah… anything you've, uh, heard about?”
Astrovianna blinked as she stared at the princess of love. “Well… I, uh, haven't heard anything about a moon that's going to hit us,” she said. “I've been sick for the past week, and been bedridden.”
“Oh…”
“Are we all going to die?”
“Probably.”
“Well, that's a bummer.” Astrovianna sighed and tapped her chin. “That said, go check with my brother, Astrovane. He's in the Arizoneigh desert in some old decrepit shack. He might know something.”
Cadance raised an eyebrow.
“If you've been bedridden, how would you know if somepony knows something about this?”
“Do you want to let that thing hit Equus, or do you want a potential lead?” Astrovianna asked snobbishly. “Now let me sub myself before I potentially die a fiery death.”
Cadance grit her teeth and slowly trotted away. “She's a real charmer,” she whispered to Joe before she got back into the carriage. With that, and without a word, the carriage took off to Arizoneigh.
***
A little while later, in the middle of the Arizoneigh desert, Cadance arrived near an old, wooden shack.
Truly, it was a home worthy of kings and queens across Equus.
She walked up to the decades old front door and knocked on it.
Only for it to fall forward.
“Um… oops,” she said sheepishly.
“Don't worry about it,” a young unicorn stallion with a blue coat said from inside. “It happens every few hours.” He levitated the door to the side and motioned for Cadance to enter the shack.
Cadance stepped forward into the one story paradise of wood, garbage, tattered books, a dead scorpion, and a sole single wooden stool.
The regal princess, naturally, took a seat on the termite paradise of a stool and asked, “So, you're Astrovane, right?”
“That's me,” Astrovane replied emotionlessly. “The only member of the Astro family to settle in southern Equestria and subsequently bitch about it every chance he gets.”
Cadance nodded. “Anyways your sister Astrovianna told me you might know something about that moon that's going to kill us all in a fiery, explosive, and unfathomable display of chaos. Not to mention wipe out all life in Equus for Celestia knows how long,” she said with a blank expression. “So… yeah. Do you?”
Astrovane let out a long sigh and nodded. “Yeah, I know who did it,” he said. “Astrovius the Second. He summoned it from atop the mountain closest to your empire. He said he wanted to do it because some mare rejected him.” Astrovane yawned and rubbed the back of his neck. “I think that stupid machine of his is on a timer until tomorrow morning, then it'll yank it into Equus.”
Cadance's eyes shot open. “Wait, you knew about this!?”
“Well, he laid out his ridiculous plan to me a few weeks ago,” Astrovane said. “I didn't think he'd actually go through with it. Heck, I haven't even seen the stupid rock… moon…” He tapped his chin and, after a few moments, asked, “What is it again?”
“That's besides the point,” Cadance said.“Why is it on a timer?” she inquired. “Why not just get it over with?”
“He’s not the brightest bulb on Equus, and loves timers,” Astrovane answered. “Anyways, go save the world so I can continue to bitch every year at my family's Hearth's Warming party. 'preciate it, your highness!”
“Is everyone in your family a jerk?”
“Everyone except for Astrovelk,” Astrovane said. “And that's because he's dead.”
Cadance rolled her eyes and stood up. “Well, I appreciate your help,” she said as she left the shack and trotted back to her carriage. “Drop me off at Mount Crystalline.”
Joe raised an eyebrow. “Your highness, you have the magic of an Alicorn,” he said. “These pegasi can't survive there for an extended period.”
“Then drop me off at the midpoint of the mountain. I'll climb up myself,” Cadance said. “Trust me, I'll return safely.”
Joe turned to the pegasi, who shrugged. He turned back to Cadance and sighed. “As irresponsible as it is to do this: let's make haste,” he said. “It's that it we all die, right?”
Cadance nodded and hopped into the carriage. With that, they made their way to Mount Crystalline.
***
A short while later, the carriage arrived at the summit of the mountain. Cadance hopped out of the carriage, which departed immediately.
Nearby was an enormous machine with a large ray gun pointed at where Europa was. Beside it was a cloaked figure, which looked more like the Grim Reaper than anything else.
“Astrovius the Second?” Cadance asked the cloaked figure.
The cloaked figure chuckled and pulled back the cloak to reveal a unicorn colt with a maroon coat. “Ah, you've finally made it,” the stallion said to the princess. “Yes, I'm the one called Astrovius the Second. The son of that dimwit who lives in that stupid cottage in your accursed kingdom,” he said. “And I'm here to show to the world of Equus that…” Astrovius the Second tapped his chin and, after a few seconds, said, “Oh, I really hate you all. So, unless you kill me, you're all dead.”
Cadance stared at the stallion, slackjawed. Dozens of snowflakes flew into her mouth as she tried to grasp what was just said.
“I know, it's quite an amazing plan,” Astrovius the Second said smugly. “Now, any final words before we all die?”
“All I have to do is kill you, and it'll send Europa back, right?” Cadance asked as she gestured to the control panel.
Astrovius the Second nodded. “You don't have the gu-”
Cadance fired a powerful magical bolt at the smug stallion, who was reduced to ashes in the wind.
Vwoom!
A beam of multicolored energy was fired off towards Europa, which vanished from the sky a second later.
Cadance fell to haunches. “Sweet Celestia,” she said. “This is going to be a nightmare to explain to everypony.” She looked around herself when she suddenly realized something.
“Crap. How do I get down?” she wondered aloud. She looked around and, after a bit of contemplating, sighed before she began the long walk down the mountain.
I really should've brought a coat and some climbing gear.
***
A while later, Cadance arrived back at the Crystal Empire with icicles hanging from her wings and nostrils. She hastily made her way to the castle and was immediately confronted by her adviser who said, “Your highness! We must begin preparations to aid those who were affected the object's gravitational interference!”
“Wait, what!?” Cadance shrieked.
“The moon's gravity interfered with oceanic waves! Many shore-side cities were destroyed!” the adviser said. “So, what do you propose?”
Cadance fell to her haunches and let out a heavy sigh. “Go… I dunno, go ask Shining,” she said. “I just went on a cross-country trip to save us all. Can I get a five minute break?”
“No, you can't, your highness,” the adviser said.
“Please?”
“The answer’s still no,” the adviser deadpanned.
“I hate my life,” Cadance whined.
“I hate you too,” the adviser said. “That doesn't change the fact you have a job to do.”
Cadance groaned. “Fine, let's get to work,” she said. “By the way, there are two ponies I want you to look into. They threatened my life while I was out saving the world.”
“Yeah, I'll do it some other time,” the adviser grumbled. “For the time being, let me fill you in on everything you missed.”
As the adviser rattled off the dozens of issues Cadance had to deal with—which ranged from widespread looting over what was once perceived as the end of days to Shining Armor having spent their life savings on a giant gold statue of himself—one simple thought filled the princess of love’s mind.
Maybe I should've let that moon hit Equus.
