Mean Girl Air Force

by totallynotabrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Adagio Dazzle, Sunset Shimmer, Main 6, Other, Equestria Girls, Comedy
Length: 2613

The Equestria Girls you love to hate. In fighter jets.

The Equestria Girls you love to hate. In fighter jets.

Published 2016-12-24 15:20:15 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-24 15:20:15 UTC

Mean Girl Air Force

The six young, bright-eyed aviators stood outside the doors to the hangar where their new squadron was located. They were all dressed in flight suits and had an almost military appearance. Almost, because they were all sporting hair of several out-of-regulation colors.

“This is going to be great, girls!” said Twilight Sparkle, pumping her fist in excitement.

The others murmured happy agreement and started forward. Just then, the door opened. A woman with tall orange hair stuck her head out. “Are you the fresh meat?”

“The freshest!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie.

“Wait, who are you calling fresh meat?” demanded Rainbow Dash. “We’re the best!”

“I don’t want to be meat,” commented Fluttershy. Everyone ignored her.

“The best?” The challenger had now stepped out the door, wearing a sneer. They saw the velcro nametag on her flight suit read Adagio Dazzle. “We’ll see about that.”

“Come on, at least give them the chance to step on the rug before you pull it out,” said another woman, coming out. She smiled, though it didn’t make it to her eyes. “I’m Sunset Shimmer. Come on, let’s go meet everyone else.”

The new six followed the others into the building, ending up in the squadron ready room. Everyone there was similarly attired in flight suits. The chairs had names on them,except for six at the back. Apparently, this was where they were supposed to sit.

An older woman stood at the front of the room. “I’m Abacus Cinch, commanding officer here.” She walked forward. “Who do we have here? Stand up and introduce yourselves.”

The six newcomers stood up.

“Sit down!” chorused the others.

A classic aviation tradition. That had been started with Flight of the Intruder in 1991.

The girls had been expecting it, though it still stung to get the treatment. Maybe once that was out of the way, they would be greeted to the new squadron.

Nope.

Straight away, Applejack and Twilight were called to meet with the administrative department. Sunny Flare and Sugarcoat gave them the tour.

“So, are the two of you getting settled in here?” asked Sunny.

Twilight nodded. “The group of us are ready. I was just telling my pilot-”

“We don’t care,” said Sugarcoat.

“This is where we do all the paperwork and red tape-cutting that makes the squadron run,” explained Sunny as they walked into the office.

“Or rather, where you’ll be doing it,” said Sugarcoat. “The new people get the boring jobs.”

“Ah thought flyin’ was our job,” said Applejack.

“That’s not your only job now,” said Sunny. “Someone has to do the admin things.”

“You like paperwork, right?” Applejack muttered to Twilight.

“I like checklists and organization,” Twilight replied. “Military bureaucracy is so incredibly inefficient and soul-draining.”

“That’s by design,” said Sugarcoat.

“So you're, like, really good spotting the deadlock that is the slow trudge of government work,” said Sunny to Twilight.

Twilight blinked. “Um, thank you.”

“So you agree?”

“What?”

“You think you're really good at pointing out obvious things?”

Meanwhile, Rarity and Fluttershy were down in the hangar checking out the hardware. The twin-seat fighters were outfitted with the latest updates and hardware. They were following Lemon Zest, who didn’t appear to notice.

“Where are we going?” Rarity asked. They passed rows of shiny fighter jets parked side by side.

“Hello? Lemon Zest?” Rarity tried again. Nothing.

She tapped the other woman on the shoulder. Lemon Zest swung around. “What?”

“What are we doing here?”

“Huh? Speak up.”

“I said, why are we here?”

“Oh, you guys are going to be managing the maintenance program. You should go talk to the supply department about getting work clothes.”

“I thought you said managing.”

“Well, you know, we’re supposed to be hands-on leaders and everything. Colonel Cinch said so.”

“Do you do that?”

“Do I do what”

At this point, Rarity lost her patience and pulled the earbuds out of Lemon’s ears. “Honestly, how do you get anything done with music constantly blaring?”

“How do you without it?” Lemon Zest wandered away.

Fluttershy said, “Um, so if we’re supposed to work on the jets, was she going to teach us how?”

It was a good question, one that would go unanswered.

Other questions not being answered included, “What’s your deal?” and “Why don’t you lighten up?”

Indigo Zap and Sour Sweet fielded the questions from Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie as the four of them stood in the simulator training facility.

“I’m just saying that I’m the best,” said Indigo.

“That’s a pretty bold statement, considering I’m the best,” retorted Rainbow.

“Or we could stop arguing and go get shitfaced at the officer’s club,” said Pinkie, attempting to defuse the argument.

Sour Sweet glared at her. She seemed to do that a lot.

“You want to go?” said Indigo, gesturing at the simulator.

“You’re on!” Rainbow replied.

“Well, too bad. It’s quitting time.” Indigo turned on her heel and left, Sour Sweet right behind her.

“Jeeze, talk about a letdown,” said Pinkie. “You were ready to wipe the floor with them, and you know I was game.”

Rainbow grinned. “We could have beat them. Heck, in the simulator I bet you could have have beat them. I would have let you sit in the front seat.”

Pinkie laughed. “I’m just a weapons systems officer, I’ll stick to the back seat, thank you very much.”

“That would have made it funnier, a wizzo beating a pilot in combat.” Rainbow laughed. “Ah, whatever. Let’s meet up with the others and go to the officer’s club.”

The six of them met later at the on-base bar. Rarity was fuming as she ordered. “They weren’t friendly or welcoming at all.”

“Ah’ll say,” muttered Applejack into her drink.

“I don’t know what you guys are talking about,” said Pinkie. “They just haven’t had time to get to know us yet.”

“Oh, you’re with…them?” said a voice. They all turned to look, seeing a woman wearing the Air Force ground uniform instead of a flight suit. She was blonde and her eyes didn’t point the same direction.

“Yeah, we just got here,” said Twilight.

“I used to be in that squadron,” said the newcomer. “Not even a pilot, just the supply officer. But it was terrible.” She lowered her voice. “There was one woman named Flash Sentry who they picked on so badly that she didn’t even want to be the same gender as them anymore. Watch out, they can be really mean.”

“If we have to, we can be mean right back,” said Rainbow.

“Let’s do our best not to,” said Fluttershy.

“If they’re really that bad, we’ll need to have a game plan,” said Applejack.

“Darling, I’ve got this,” said Rarity. “I know how people like them work.”

“Be that as it may, we still need a plan,” said Twilight.

“We should challenge them to a training dogfight,” said Rainbow.

“We don’t know how good they are,” Applejack pointed out.

“We’ll have to appeal to their egos,” said Rarity. She put on a patronizing tone. “Oh, I bet you couldn’t even beat us with a handicap.”

“Why would we want to give them a handicap?” asked Twilight.

“We don’t. We manipulate them so that statement actually means that we have the advantage. When they realize it, they won’t protest because it will make it look like they’re showing weakness.”

“It’ll be easier to manipulate them if they’re drunk,” Pinkie pointed out.

“Well,” said Twilight, “It’s better than having no plan at all.”

The next day, the six of them prepared to take the others down a notch. They scheduled a time for everyone to meet in the squadron ready room. When the others arrived, Twilight, designated spokesperson as always, began the brief.

“What’s this all about?” asked Cinch.

“Well ma’am, the six of us are new and in the interest of gaining skills, we propose a friendly competition.”

“This ought to be good,” muttered Sunset.

Cinch gestured for Twilight to continue. “I can’t wait to hear this. My uterus desiccates in anticipation.”

Despite the frosty reception so far, Twilight pulled up a Powerpoint presentation on the projector to display a few diagrams. “It will be a simple force-on-force exercise in aerial combat. Us versus you.” She went over a few of the parameters.

“So you think you can beat us?” said Adagio.

“We’ll find out,” said Twilight, putting on a confident smile for the benefit of her friends.

“I can hardly wait,” said Cinch. “Now, to something actually important, it’s time for a naming ceremony. The squadron will now bestow you with callsigns.”

“We already have callsigns,” said Twilight. “Did you think ‘Twilight Sparkle’ was actually my name?”

“For pointing out astoundingly obvious facts, I nominate Twilight’s callsign to be ‘Pinhead,’” said Sunny Flare.

“Motion carries,” said Cinch.

Twilight fought back consternation, but couldn’t help herself. “That’s not how nominations work! Someone has to second them and be properly voted on!”

“You’re only making my point,” said Sunny.

Twilight knew things would only get worse if she kept talking and reluctantly held her tongue.

Indigo was next. “I nominate Rainbow to be ‘Boring.’ Honestly, I’m glad you guys want to dogfight us. Beating you in the simulator would have been, well, boring.”

It was a good thing Rainbow was speechless with rage, or she might have said something stupid. The group moved on before she could.

Sour Sweet said, “I nominate Rarity for ‘Axl.’ A-cup and XL underwear.”

A vein nearly popped out in Rarity’s temple and her face turned red. She, too, knew that the less said the better, but had a much harder time holding back.

Fluttershy, however, came to her defense. “That’s not very nice, even if it isn’t true.”

“You’re the last person I expected to bitch someone out,” said Cinch. “Perhaps you could be ‘Bitch.’”

“A female dog?” said Fluttershy. “That sounds nice.”

“She likes it too much,” said Sunset. “I nominate Fluttershy for ‘Whore’ instead.”

Rarity quickly stepped in front of Fluttershy, knowing her wizzo was likely about to cry. Pinkie, meanwhile, piped up, “Can I be ‘Bitch?’”

“You’ll be what we tell you to be,” said Adagio.

“Bitch?”

“You don’t get to pick!”

“I like Bitch. I’ll be Bitch.” Pinkie grinned, exaggerating her smile for show.

“Let’s keep going,” said Sugarcoat, her unamused voice cutting through the diversion. “Applejack’s hick accent sounds like Boss Hogg.”

Applejack looked surprised, but said nothing.

“I think that concludes the naming ceremony,” said Cinch with a smirk. “We’ll see all of you in the air tomorrow.”

At the officer’s club later that day, the group sat around fuming. Most of them, anyway.

“Ah was mostly impressed they even knew who Boss Hogg was,” said Applejack.

“Most of those callsigns didn’t even make sense!” Rainbow protested.

“And talk about lack of creativity,” grumbled Rarity.

“I thought the one for yours was actually pretty creative,” said Pinkie. “Still really mean. Almost as mean as the callsigns the Navy gives their people.”

They all nodded.

“Pinhead,” hissed Twilight through her teeth. “Honestly, I think I would have preferred even ‘Whore’ over that.”

Fluttershy, already with her head down and shoulders hunched, seemed to shrink into herself even more.

Twilight finished another drink. “I was serious about that, by the way. I mean, what if we could do something to switch? And if I could be ‘Whore,’ Fluttershy could have something nicer.”

“Darling, I think you’re drunk,” said Rarity. “Don’t do anything rash.”

“If I’m going to earn that callsign, I’d better get started. I’m just going to go over and talk to that cute guy,” said Twilight, pointing across the room. She stood up, swaying slightly.

The others wanted to stop her, but they also secretly kind of wanted to see what might happen.

Twilight stumbled over. “Hey, what’s your name?”

Her target looked up. “I’m Flash Sentry.”

“You’re cute,” she gushed. “Can I buy you a beer, big guy?”

Flash put up a hand. “Before you go any further, I think you should know I’m actually a woman.”

“So can I buy you a cocktail?”

Back with the others, Applejack downed her drink. “Twilight is always more cheerful the morning after she gets laid.”

The next day, the six of them once again met up at the squadron. Today, however, was the big day.

They headed to the flight equipment room to gear up. Each crew member helped each other get their g-suits and survival equipment on.

As she was helping Fluttershy step into her parachute harness, Rarity noted that her backseater seemed resolute. She may have been quiet and timid, but she always seemed to rise to the occasion. That was good. They would need to bring their A-game today.

Rainbow and Pinkie finished gearing up first.

“I feel the need…” Rainbow began.

“...the need for speed!” Pinkie finished. They fist bumped.

True to Applejack’s assessment, Twilight was in a much better mood this morning. “We’re going to beat them,” she said as she geared up, as much to reassure herself than anyone.

“Eeyup,” Applejack replied.

The six walked out to their jets in a loose formation. They split off for preflight inspections and then mounted up.

Sitting behind Applejack, securely strapped into her ejection seat, Twilight tested the radio. “Harmony One One, Harmony Flight. Report.”

“Harmony One Two,” replied Fluttershy.

“Harmony One Three,” said Pinkie.

“You all remember the brief,” said Twilight. “We’ll be meeting three adversaries downrange, and will engage and destroy. Keep it loose until it’s time to tighten up, fly well, fight hard, good luck.”

The others murmured their affirmations. The three jets got rolling, turning onto the runway and taking off one after the other.

After a loop of the airfield to form up, they headed towards the rendezvous point. Two and Three hung clear of One, so a single weapon couldn’t engage them all.

“I’m powering up the radar,” said Twilight though the intercom.

“Roger,” Applejack replied.

The scope lit up as the jet’s radar swept the skies. Twilight frowned. “Four targets…”

The others saw it too, on the radar picture passed from One to the other jets through the datalink.

“Is that an error?” asked Rarity through the low-powered jet-to-jet frequency.

“Could it be uninvolved traffic?” said Applejack.

Twilight twiddled a few knobs, studying the radar picture. “Negative to erroneous contacts. Those are definitely four fighters, headed straight towards us. We’re outnumbered. They broke the rules! We told them how the exercise was supposed to go!”

“Then there’s more of them to embarrass!” said Rainbow.

Just then, Twilight noted signals from the other jets. Their adversaries had also lit up their radars and were homing in.

“Are you girls lost?” came Cinch’s voice over the common channel. She chuckled.

“Not half as lost as you’re about to be,” replied Twilight.

“I’d give that retort eight out of ten, but only because it was off the cuff,” said Pinkie on the private channel.

Twilight gritted her teeth. “Nevermind that. One will take the two jets on the left. Two, you take second from right, and Three you take the one on the right. Distance is sufficient for reasonable probability of a kill from long range. Let’s do this! Harmony One One, Fox Three with two!”

“Harmony One Two, Fox Three!”

“Harmony One Three, Fox Three!”

A short time later, the four enemy jets disappeared from the radar screen.

Twilight frowned and checked her equipment, but the contacts were gone. “I thought we were only using training weapons?”

“Negative,” said Fluttershy.

Author's Note

I saw a post on fmylife.com about 'Axl.' Sounded like a potential call sign. Somehow got a story out of it. Probably shouldn't have.