I spluttered dirt out of my mouth as soon as I woke, having apparently rolled over. It tasted like dirt, of course, but at the same time, the taste was changing. I rolled up, the flavor finally ending up as cotton candy as I spat the nastiness out. “Oh gods, I almost ate dirt!” I coughed again before wiping my tongue on my shirt.

After enough wiping, the taste vanished and I was confident enough to believe the dirt was no longer tainting my mouth. “That’s the third morning in a row that I’ve tasted dirt!” I almost yelled. It wasn’t but a minute later that I found everything was definitely not what it was when I went to sleep the night before.

Cautiously, I stood up. The ground felt moderately sturdy, so clearly not the usual prisons. “I swear, if this is another bloody demon…” A chirp from my pocket told me to reach down, which I did, and pulled out… “A kitten?” I blinked at it. It blinked back.

“Mew?” I squinted at it.

“What the hells. How did you get in there?” I muttered. It resumed its mewing and amped up the volume of its purr. I winced, before giving a deep sigh. “You’re lucky I have a soft spot for cats,” I placed it on my shoulder, legs dangling off each end. I resumed my search, “Do you have any idea where we are, little one?”

A small mewl was the only response as I turned the corner past a tree. “Normally, or rather, a few years ago I would’ve had a heartattack,” I shook my head, “Comes with the experience, I suppose,” I muttered, following what I guess was the exit of the forest. The next corner I turned put the light back the way I had come from.

“...Alright,” I bit my lip, “A slight more elaborate than their usual pranks, but I think I can manage.” I followed the light, but every time I got close, it flipped to the other side of the forest. I had already followed it several times and at this point I was just aggravated.

“I don’t suppose you know the way out, kitten?” I commented off-handedly. A few seconds later, it climbed up to the top my shoulder and leapt towards a tree, landing on the lowest branch and mewling indignantly at me.

“...I guess you do,” I muttered, grabbing the branch as the kitten leapt its way up the tree. “You know, I’ve seen a lot,” I muttered as we exited the tree-tops, “but, this takes the fucking cake.” The kitten crawled back onto my shoulder as I peered out at the terrain.

An absolutely massive hexagonal chessboard sprawled before me, a single castle laying off in the distance and some other odd landscape pieces. “...I can’t help but wonder if those mushrooms I ate did this.” I dug in my pockets again, finally pulling out the little buggers I was debating chucking into the distance.

The loud indignant mewl of the kitten caused me to turn my head. Far below, the chessboard was full of activity, most in particular what looked… human!? “Please tell me it wasn’t the mushrooms,” I muttered. The kitten hissed, which I assumed to mean a no as I started clambering across the oddly surface creating treetops.

Finally getting tired of my slow progress, I planted my foot on a leaf, pushing down. “Oh, it works like a floor, how quaint,” I brought myself to my feet and started for the edge. The treetops worked a bit like a slightly trampoline-esque floor. I bent down and tried launching myself into the air.

Suffice to say, it was definitely a spectacularly idiotic thing for me to do, as it launched me out to the edge. I managed to stop myself, dangling over the edge slightly. One foot was all that lay still on the tree-tops. “...Oh. Vertigo,” I muttered, slowly bringing my foot back down, or I would have.

Apparently the wind had some other ideas, because a moment later I was falling off the forest and straight down to the ground. I was going to scream, but a moment later a very… odd, looking cat, similar to the little one on my shoulder, appeared with a… table?

“Good morning,” it said. I blinked, looking down to see that I was still falling, yet, at the same time, I felt like I wasn’t. I rapidly looked at the cat, then the chessboard, only for something to click in my head. A complete realization.

Not only was I no longer on Earth, I was in Wunderland! A light chuckle escaped my lips, and I looked at the cat, “"What do you mean?” I asked, “Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?"

The cat went wide-eyed, clearing not having expected my response. “...All of them at once?” It asked.

“I would be impressed that you got the reference,” I said, “But I have more pressing matters at hand, namely that, I and my small companion, are falling to our deaths. And that I have, as you might say, ‘fallen through the rabbit hole’.”

“Why are you concerned?” the cat answered, placing a card with tiny legs and arms on the table, which proceeded to pick up one of its companions and lay in a stack. Solitaire? “This is Wunderland, and the unexpected is what happens.”

“Because, as you say, if I expect the unexpected, I get the unexpected which is the expected, but if I don’t expect the unexpected, I get the unexpected, which is not the expected,” I responded. If this crazy cat said I would be fine, then I wouldn’t be surprised if I was, but again…

“...” the cat went silent, clearly pondering over my statement for a moment, “I would have to agree,” it muttered before placing another card before me and resuming its game, “Though, falling through the rabbit hole happens quite a lot here, so this isn’t the first time I’ve met you, or anyone else for that matter.”

“Of course,” I answered, “perhaps you can tell me what is happening down there?” I gestured towards the chessboard.

The cat faced the chessboard and slammed its it paw down as the cards went to escape. After a few more moments it looked back at me raising an eyebrow, I’m not entirely sure how it did that since it didn’t have eyebrows before. “They’re placing chess, of course.”

“Well, I guessed that, but why is he playing chess?” I gestured at the guy I could see on one part of the board. The cat watched for a few moments.

“He’s the deciding piece, of course,” the cat answered. I raised my own eyebrow, “He’ll choose the winner.”

“Ah,” I nodded, looking down, “Also, looks like it’s my stop.” the ground rushed up and I stopped right as I touched it, all momentum vanishing. Standing up, I brushed myself off and noted the now napping kitten on my shoulder. “Shall we meet again some day?”

The cat shrugged, “We might, we might not.”

“Good enough,” I responded, moving off towards the chessboard with at a slow pace. At this point, I felt that being cautious was my inherently best course of action. If what I had just encountered was a warning of any kind, then you could be damn sure I was going to be much more cautious.

After a few more feet my path was blocked and I turned the corner, only to be greeted by a horse. “What the blood fucking hells?” I yelp. The horse yelled in response, and we both scrambled back from each other.

“What the hells are you?” I practically yelled. A hiss came from my shoulder as I seemed to have disturbed the kitten. It stood on my shoulder glaring down at the horse whilst I held up my hands in defense. The horse lifted its sword and my hands burst into flame.

With a yelp I flicked them and the fire went out. “How the hells did you do that?”

My hands felt no pain, but I looked at the horse in shock. It stared at my hands before registering what I had said. “How could I have done that? I’m not a unicorn, I’m a pawn!” I frowned.

“You’re a pawn?” I asked, looking at his attire, noting he was dressed in simple but impressive white scale mail armor. It was evident, from what I could recall earlier, that he was most certainly a ‘pawn’ from the board. “Then what the hells was that?”

“Not a clue,” it answered.

“What the hells are you?” I demanded.

“A pawn.”

“Yes, I know that but I mean what do people call the horses like you?” I asked.

“Horse? You mean pony?” He responded with.

I sighed, clasping my hands together. Finally, information. “Brilliant, yes, thank you.” I looked around, “So, how do I get out of Wunderland, or, better yet, where has that other person like me gone?”

“You mean the idiot that chose the Red Queen?” he asked, glaring at me.

“If it makes you feel any better I doubt either of them are worth choosing,” I responded with, “now, again. Where did he go.” I groaned inwardly. The fact that they feel this level of rivalry isn’t entirely shocking, but it’s going to get on my nerves.

“He is in the castle,” the pawn spat, “feasting with that demon.”

“Alright, thanks,” I saluted and meandered off towards the castle he mentioned. Despite the existence of two queens, there was only one castle. I don’t remember much from the works of Lewis Carroll, so it could very well be how it was supposed to be.

The pawn tried following and the kitten on my shoulder hissed violently. The pawn retreated and I made my way towards the castle, thankfully within direct view. No mazes for me this time.

My approach took a bit of time, but nothing too excessive. I started towards the doors, only for some guards to block my path. I gave a sigh.

“For hells’ sake,” I brushed my bangs back, “I’ve just fallen from up there,” I gestured towards the floating island of trees, shockingly farther up than I anticipated, “I talked to a bat-shit crazy cat, and have walked a fair distance. I would appreciate an audience with the queen.”

“Denied,” one of the guards responded, holding up his spear with his hooves. I gave a sigh and turned around.

“Fine,” I huffed, “At least direct me to the godsdamned exit.”

Author's Note

I promised this way back when and finally got hit by inspiration to write it, so here you go.