Bah! Hum-dump!

by Anon A Mous

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy
Length: 3869

Anon's stomach decides to ruin the holiday joys of others.

Twilight and her friends want to go caroling on Hearth's Warming Eve. Anon really has to use the bathroom. Who will win in this war of wills?

No one, really.

Published 2016-12-14 11:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-14 11:20:01 UTC

♪ Ooooh Holy Crap... ♫

You are Anon.

And you are currently freezing your ass off.

It is winter time in Equestria, and thanks to the Weather Team, a thick blanket of snow covers the land. The ponies don’t seem to mind it much, as they have a natural built-in winter coat. All they really need in order to protect themselves from the cold is a scarf, wool hat, or fluffy earmuffs. They are happily prancing through the snow, doing a bit of last minute shopping before the shops and stalls close.

Not you though.

Oh no. You aren’t happy. You are bundled up in as many layers as you can manage, and that still isn’t enough. The cold wind somehow finds a way to get inside your coat, chilling your body and making you long for the warmth and comfort of your home.

Why are you out and about then? Well, today is the evening that Twilight and her friends decided that, since the holidays are just around the corner, they’d all get together and go caroling. They got all dressed up, gathered their supplies, and then proceeded to come over to your house to ask you if you wanted to go with them.

You said no.

So, now here you are, trudging through shin-deep snow in order to sing stupid songs to stupid ponies all because of a stupid holiday about friendship. The only bright side to this is the delicious food Pinkie brought along; a special holiday treat she was experimenting with called ‘Fruit Pie’. It’s like a fruit cake, only in liquidy-pie form. Surprisingly enough, none of her friends wanted to try it.

More for you then.

It goes down pretty easy, and doesn’t taste half bad. You snack on it contently as you follow them door to door. While she may be annoying, Pinkie sure did know how to make good treats.

Speaking of pink pone...

“Isn’t this fun, Nonnie?” Pinkie giggles as she pronks her way effortless through the snowdrifts.

“Fun isn’t the word I’d use,” you grumble through a mouthful of pie. Pulling your jacket tighter around your body, you continue to follow the mares. Not that you have much of a choice; every time you try to leave, Twilight just pulls you back with her magic. Something about spending time with friends or some shit like that. Why can’t these ponies express their love and toleration to each other someplace where you can actually feel your hands? What’s so wrong with doing this shit indoors?

“Because the founders did this in the cold,” Twilight had said when you asked her. “So that means, in order to fulfill the spirit of the holidays, we should too!” Yeah, well… your ancestors also used to crap in a bucket and throw it out the window. Times change, Sparkle.

“Dear, you really shouldn’t grumble so much,” Rarity says. “I realize that you might be a little cold, but it’s the holidays, after all. Where’s your holiday spirit?”

Back home in front of the fire, roasting marshmallows—

“Besides,” she continues, “if you weren’t in the mood for caroling, you should have just stayed home.”

Roasting very big, pony-sized marshmallows. One’s with squiggly tails.

As you cast death glares at the back of Rarity’s head, Twilight trots up beside you. “Come on, Anon! You can’t let the cold get you down!”

“That’s easy for you to say,” you mutter. “You guys have built in fur coats. I’m freezing my tits off.”

“You can cuddle with me to get warm, Anon,” Fluttershy mumbles, a dark blush on her face.

You say and shake your head. “Fluttershy, no. Just no.”

“I can crawl into your jacket and share my body heat,” she continues, “o-or we can go over there into the alleyway and I can warm you up a different way.”

“Yeah, let me stop you there,” you grunt. Turning the now-empty pie tin upside down, you place it on top of her head. Bits and crumbs of gooey pie fall into her mane, where they get stuck in her hair. She tries to remove the tin, but finds that it’s now stuck to her mane as well. Struggling to get it off, she accidentally slips and tumbles into a snowbank.

The rest of the group pauses, staring at the four yellow legs kicking about frantically in the snow pile.

“That’s no way to be,” Twilight tsks as she uses her magic to pull Fluttershy free. “She was just concerned about your health.”

“I’m sure she was,” you grumble, eyeing the yellow pegasus as she tries to get the tin off her head. Giving up, she resigns herself to wearing it like a hat.

You lick your lips clean, only to immediately regret it when the cold wind suddenly blows. “Are we almost done? I’m gonna turn into a popsicle at this rate.”

Twilight shakes her head. “We’re only about a quarter of the way done, Anon. We still have a couple more houses to go on this street, then we have to go over to Carriage Hills.”

“Fucking great,” you grumble, crossing your arms over your chest.

“You should really be more cheerful, Anon,” Twilight chides. “It’s the holidays after all. I’m sure you’d have a great time if you’d only give it a chance.” Her friends nod, each voicing their agreement.

“I haven’t even heard ya singing at all,” Applejack says.

“I’m not a singer,” you say.

“But how are you supposed to wish everypony happy holidays if you don’t sing?”

“By writing holiday cards,” you say, “from the warmth and comfort of my home.”

“Oh, com now, Anon,” Twilight says. “Just give it a chance. I’m positive you’ll like it. Here, this is the next house. Just try and have a good time and I’m sure you’ll forget about the cold in no time!”

You glance up at the house your group just stopped in front of. Colored holiday lights cover the eaves and a pair of large candy canes stand on either side of the front door. The windows are covered by a thin layer of frost, but you can still see what’s going on inside.

The ponies within have a fire in their fireplace.

And they’re all grouped around it like sensible creatures.

…

Why the fuck are you out here? You’re a grown ass man! You can do whatever the hell you want!

“Alright, well you guys have fun then,” you say. “I’m going home.” You turn and manage to take a few steps before you are suddenly picked up in a rosy field of magic. You grumble under your breath as Twilight sets you back down beside her and gives you a sad look.

“Please, Anon? For me?” she pouts.

You cross your arms and say nothing.

She continues to pout up at you until suddenly she perks up.

“I know!” she chirps. “How about you sing a song from your world? Would that help get you in the mood?”

“No.”

“Please, Anon. I’m trying to help you out here. At least meet me halfway?”

You sigh and shake your head. “Twilight, I’m just not in the—”

“Come on!” she cries, interrupting you. “This could be a great cultural learning experience. It’s not every day ponies get to hear new songs about the holidays! I can even record it and ponies might start singing them next year too!”

“But I don’t want to—”

“Come on!”

“I don’t even know if I can remember—”

“This’ll be fun!”

“Oh, yeah, a great time,” you snark with a roll of your eyes.

“See? I’m glad you finally agree!” Twilight says happily, dancing in place.

“No, wait. That wasn’t—”

But it’s too late. She’s already walked up to the door and knocked. The sound of movement comes from the other side before the door suddenly swings open, revealing a pegasus mare on the other side. She stares out at your group in surprise before smiling and calling back over her shoulder. “Dear! Come here and look at this.”

“What is it, hun?” her husband asks as he comes to stand beside her.

“Hearth’s Warming carolers!” she says happily.

“Oh, this is going to be lovely,” the husband says as two fillies gather about his hooves. “I think I’m in the mood for some music. Let’s hear what you’ve got.” With that, all of your friends turn to look at you, Twilight even having managed to find some paper, quill, and ink from somewhere. The family is now looking at you expectantly too, so, with a sigh, you step forward.

Opening your mouth, you are just about to start singing the first Christmas song to pop into your head when you suddenly got an idea.

An awful idea.

A wonderful, awful idea.

With a large grin slowly spreading across your wind-bitten face, you take a deep breath before belting out in your best, festive holiday voice.

“Twilight Sparkle, was a stupid little pone,

With a brain of fluffy and a big fat butt that no stallion wants to bone.

Twilight Sparkle, is autistic in every way,

She has an empty head and wets the bed, and oh god, what does she weigh?

There is a good reason why there are no more cakes around,

She stuffs her face and when she falls, she shakes the fucking ground.

Oh, Twilight the Splurge Lord, should lose a lot of weight

Then a stallion might want to fuck her all night,

So that she cannot walk straight.

Humpety hump hump, humpety hump hump,

Look at that rump go!

Humpety hump hump, humpety hump hump,

It’s like a glob of dough!”

You finish your song by slapping Twilight suddenly on the flank, making her yelp. Everyone just stares at you in shock for a few moments before the stallion suddenly herds the fillies back inside. Without a word, the mare closes the door, and you hear the sounds of a bolt being latched.

Your friends just continue to stare at you, some of them even glaring.

“What was that for, Anon?” Twilight asks, rubbing her plot with a hoof. A red handprint is visible just above her cutie mark.

You give them a look of faux confusion. “What? I just did what you asked. I sang a song from home.”

“That most certainly not a song from your old world,” Twilight said, giving you a stern glare.

You just cross your arms over your chest.

“How would you know?” you ask her, raising an eyebrow. “Have you been to my world? Don’t get mad at me because you can’t understand human humor.”

She scrunches up her face. “I… I don’t… that’s not a… ugh! Fine, fine… we’ll just move on to the next house” Turning, she trots off down the path. Grudgingly, you follow after her. After only a few steps though, your guts gurgles loudly and you wince in pain.

“Oh, that’s not good,” you mutter as you place a hand on your stomach. Your gut lets out another bubbling gurgle.

“Come on, Anon!” Rainbow cries from down the road. “You’re going too slow.”

“Guys, I think I have to go to the bathro—” you start to say, but are cut off as Twilight suddenly teleports you over to the group in a burst of magic. You stumble slightly, but manage to catch yourself before you fall into a snowdrift.

“You need to quit getting distracted, Anon,” Twilight says. “I thought you wanted to get this over with quickly. At this rate, we’ll be at this all night.”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s great,” you say absently. “Hey, do you think I can go home to use the bat—”

“Oh, good heavens, no,” Twilight says. “You can’t go home yet, Anon. We’re just getting started.” Fishing around in her saddle bag, she eventually straightens up with a large, old-looking book in her magic.

“Here, use this,” she says, levitating the book over to you. As you go to take it, the books suddenly flips open, the pages coming to a stop at some point in the middle. Your brow furrows as you realize that it’s a song book.

“‘The Heart Carol’?” you mutter, reading the title of the song Twilight picked.

“It’s a traditional song for Hearth’s Warming,” Twilight says. “It’s clear that songs from your home might not be that popular among the ponies here, so we’ll use this to ease you into the singing spirit. Nopony can resist singing this song!”

“That’s great, but I still need to go to the—”

But again, she’s already knocking on the door. A few seconds later the door swings open, revealing the three flower sisters.

“Oh, hey everypony,” the pink one says. “What can we help you with?”

Twilight smiles. “Hello, Daisy. We’re actually out caroling at the moment.”

Daisy blinks before giving her an incredulous look.

“In this weather?” she asks. “Isn’t it a bit too cold for that?” Beside her, her sisters nod in unison.

Yes, finally! Ponies with some common sense! If it weren’t for the fact your lips were chapped and cracked, you’d kiss this pony before you.

“Oh, it’s not that bad,” Twilight says.

Fuck you, Sparkle.

“Alright, I guess. If you say so,” Daisy says, not looking convinced.

“We’ll be fine, Daisy, don’t worry about us,” Twilight says with a smile. “Besides, this is Anon’s first Hearth’s Warming with us, and I want it to be memorable!” Oh, it’ll be memorable alright, if you actually manage to not freeze to death.

“So, uh, what song are you going to sing?” one of the sisters—Roseluck, you believe her name is—asks.

“Well, Anon here is going to be singing the Heart Carol,” Twilight says, motioning towards you.

All three sisters perk up.

“The Heart Carol?” the third sister, Lily, asks. “Oh, that’s my favorite one!” Her sisters murmur in agreement beside her.

Twilight shoots you a smug look, and you roll your eyes.

“Go ahead, Anon,” she says.

With a sigh, you hold the book up, take a look at the words, and begin. However, instead of the words written on the page, you instead sing:

“Twilight is forcing me to sing this part

This is stupid and I really have to fart.

I’ve been holding it in for hours now.

Any longer and my pants will be brown!

This would be problematic, for you see,

Not only must I fart, but I really have to pee!”

The three sisters are staring at you, ears splayed back and brows furrowed. Your friends have similar looks on their faces, although Pinkie looks like she’s trying to hold back her laughter.

“Anon, what are you—” Twilight begins, but you interrupt her. Bending down, you stare into the sisters’ eyes as you continue:

“My feet are frozen blocks of ice.

I’ve had to stop and thaw them twice.

I’ll probably lose my fingers too.

All because Twilight wanted me to.

She didn’t listen to me... again.

Neither did the rest of her friends.

I would much rather be back at home,

Drinking hot tea and waxing my bone.

Instead I’m out here singing to you.

Oh, and now I really have to poo.

This holiday is stupid; this custom is dumb.

Oh, shit… I have frostbite on my thumb.

All this cheer makes me sick to my guts

This song’s now over, so suck my nuts.”

Silence filled the air for a brief moment before the Daisy slowly closed the door. Once again, the sound of a bolt locking can be heard.

“Anon… why?” Twilight asks, staring up at you in disappointment.

“I have to poop,” you say simply.

Shaking her head, Twilight sighs before trudging off towards the next house. Her friends follow quickly, Rarity ‘harrumphing’ as she passes you. Whatever. You don’t really care at the moment; the pain in your gut is currently taking most of your attention. A horrible pressure is building up, and you’re fearful of what horrid retribution is heading your way.

“Guys, I think something’s wrong with my stomach,” you say as you stagger along behind them.

“Yeah, that’s what you get for eating Pinkie’s experimental food,” Rainbow says with a snicker. “Everypony knows you need to wait until she works the bugs out. I warned ya, but no. You had to have it.”

“I think I’m going to be sick,” you say before letting out a small ‘urp’.

“Oh, stop being dramatic, Anon,” Twilight sniffs. “We all know you’re just trying to get out of singing. I wish you’d just mare up and participate properly. It’d go a lot faster if you did.”

“But my stomach—”

“Come on, Anon. Mare up,” Rainbow scoffs. “All of us have suffered through a Pinkie Pie Experimental Grumbler. They aren’t that bad. You’ll be fine.”

“Guys, I really think I should go find a bathroom,” you say, only for none of them to pay attention to you. They’re already walking up the path to the next house. You clutch your stomach as it gurgles again. Fuck this shit; if they aren’t going to be sympathetic, you’re just going to find a bathroom on your own.

You turn to stumble off down the road, only for the world to suddenly be consumed in a haze of purple light. As you blink the stars from your eyes, you find yourself standing just behind the girls outside the front door.

Twilight gives you the stink eye over her shoulder. “Anon, please. Stop being so immature.”

“But I need to—”

“I realize that you might not be having fun right now, but please, at least act mature about this,” she continues. “This is a very important holiday to us, and you aren’t even giving it a chance.”

You open your mouth to offer a rebuttal, but instead groan as the pressure grows worse in your gut. Again, your ‘friends’ ignore your distress and instead knock on the door. After a few seconds, a mare answers. She looks a little haggard, and there are faded dark bags under her eyes.

“Yes?” she asks tiredly, gazing out at you all in confusion.

“Hello,” Twilight says, although her smile fades slightly upon seeing the mare’s condition. “We’re, uh… we’re out caroling and were wondering if you’d—” She got no further in her explanation as the mare suddenly gasped. Her eyes widened, and some life returned to the dull orbs.

“Caroling?” she asked breathlessly. “I… oh, please, wait one second.” She closes the door, and from within you can hear her hoofsteps retreating quickly. The girls glance around at each other in bewilderment, but you are too busy trying to keep your shit together to care. The pain is coming in waves now, and you can feel… something shifting about inside your gut.

This isn’t going to be good.

Before you can voice your complaint however, the sound of approaching hoofsteps can be heard from the other side of the door. They are slower than before, and you can just barely make out a voice murmuring gently. The door opens once more, and the mare is back, but she now has a small colt with her. The sight of the colt causes the girls to gasp in shock, and it’s pretty obvious why, even to your distracted mind.

The thing has barely any meat on his bones; he looks like a walking skeleton. His mane has been shaved completely off, and his tail is nothing but a few strands of hair. A pair of bloodshot eyes gaze around curious. A breathing tube goes in one of his nostrils.

“Sorry about that,” the mare says as she places a comforting hoof on the colt, steadying his shaking legs. “It’s just, this is Morning Drip’s first Hearth’s Warming out of the hospital, and we’re trying to make it special. His father’s out doing some shopping right now, but we’d be more than happy to listen to some of your songs, wouldn’t we, dear?” she asks the little colt.

He nods quickly, eyes sparkling hopefully.

The girls are practically fawning over him, making kissy faces and cooing softly. Even Fluttershy—still with the pie tin on her head—is smiling and waving at him when he looks at her.

Your stomach gurgles again, giving you one last warning before it decides to fuck your shit up.

“We’d be more than happy to sing for you both,” Twilight says, giving them an eager smile. “Right girls?” The other murmur in agreement before gathering together, large smiles on their faces. Magic glowing, Twilight opens the large books of songs to a particular page. She glances at the others, who all nod in agreement. They take a moment to compose themselves, take deep breaths, but before they can, you thrust your face through.

Staring unblinking at the startled colt, you begin to hum out the same four notes over and over again in quick succession before suddenly bursting into song:

“I have to poo.

Yes, number two.

Gut really hurts

I’ve got the squirts

So you can bet

It will be wet

Soon it will be,

Exploding free.

I’ve got to go

They tell me no.

It’ll soon be here.

All should fear.

No time to lose,

Have no more fuse.

Here it comes,

Right out my bum

All nice and brown

Staining the ground

Oh and the smell

It won’t be well

Don’t want to brag

You’re gonna gag

It won’t be fun.

You better run.

Really, Really, Really, Really badly!

Really, Really, Really, Really badly!”

The colt gives you a look of bewilderment. The mare gives you a look that a mix between horror and revulsion. You friends just give you looks of exasperation.

In the silence that follows your song, your stomach lets out a squealing, gurgling cry that can be heard by all.

Twilight sighs before placing a hoof on her muzzle and closing her eyes.

“Anon… go. Just go,” she says.

You’re off like a gunshot, sprinting down the icy street. As you run, you do your best to hold in the gut-destroying BM that was threatening to burst forth and ruin the inside of your pants forever. Even now it was beginning to poke its head out to say hello.

Without looking back, you sprint through the crowded marketplace, shouting as you went:

“Rushing through the snow,

Get the fuck out of my way!

You’re so freakin’ slow,

And fat, what do you weigh?!”

“Hey!” a mare yells at you, a look of outrage on her face.

You ignore her and keep running, all while belting out:

“I need to take a dump,

But my toilet’s far away!

Get out of my way you FUCKING HO!

Oh god! It’s on its way! No!

Jingle Bells, go to Hell!

Get the fuck out of my way!

Oh my god! I’m gonna die!

There’s no time to delay!

Jingle Bells, go to Hell!

Mare, what did I say?!

Why’d I try that stupid pie?

Oh god! Bombs awaaaaaay!”

You somehow manage to make it, with a few seconds to spare.

Although you are pretty sure you destroyed your poor derrière.

And what happened next? Well, in Ponyville they say,

That your poor asshole grew three sizes that day!