Princess Celestia is Replaced by an Ohio-class Submarine

by Greenback

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Tirek, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Random, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe
Length: 2775

Awwwooooggaaaa!

In a parallel universe, there exists an Equestria where the Princess of the Sun is not a pony, but one of the most advanced war machines ever created.

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Published 2016-12-08 17:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-08 17:00:01 UTC

Submarine SunButt

The brilliant light faded away from the castle’s interior, revealing the limp form of a limp and exhausted Princess Luna upon the floor, the dark essence that had been there only moments before now purged and burned away.

Nightmare Moon, the legendary embodiment of evil, was gone.

“Ugh, my head,” Rainbow Dash said.

Applejack was the first of the group to recover. “Everypony okay?” Everyone seemed to be. Rarity couldn’t have been better, for she was running a hoof through her mane, which had been restored to its full beauty.

“Oh, thank goodness!”

“Why, Rarity, it’s so lovely!” Applejack said.

“I know!” Rarity clapped her hooves in glee. “I’ll never part with it again!”

“No,” Fluttershy said gently. “Your necklace. It looks just like your cutie mark.”

“What?” Rarity looked to the golden necklace and was surprised to find that Fluttershy was correct. “Ooh... So does yours!”

Fluttershy gasped, surprised to see a butterfly-shaped gem on her necklace.

“Look at mine!” Pinkie bounced around the room, her necklace almost flying off her neck. “Look at mine!”

“Aw yeah!” Rainbow Dash, beaming as brilliantly as the thunderbolt around her neck.

A bit befuddled, but pleased that everyone seemed to be okay, Applejack turned to Twilight. “Gee, Twilight! I thought you were just spoutin' a lot of hooey, but I reckon we really do represent the elements of friendship.”

The back of the castle collapsed as the gigantic form of an Ohio-Class ballistic missile submarine crashed through, the hull painted a dazzling white, with the sail a rainbow swirl of pink, blue, and green.

Twilight gasped. “Princess Celestia!”

The submarine ground forward, chewing up the ancient tile floor before coming to a stop before the pitifully tiny pony. Its sonar activated, hitting her with a ping.

“But... you told me it was all an old pony tale!”

Another ping.

Rainbow Dash had to beat her wings extra fast to keep from falling to the floor. “Sister?!”

With a great and thunderous clang, the submarine turned towards Luna, who stared up at the enormous steel hull looming over her. Yet, it didn’t come any closer, careful to avoid crushing her tiny form. It was equally careful to send out a softer, lower-pitched sonar ping.

It was too much to take, and Luna burst into tears. “I’m so sorry!” She rushed forward and nuzzled the hull. “I missed you so much, big sister!”

Seawater trickled off the hull.

Pinkie sobbed, so happy at seeing pony and submarine reunited at last. “Hey, you know what this calls for? A party!”

That familiar pink cannon was yanked out and fired, filling the castle with confetti, streamers, and balloons, all to the cheers of the happy ponies.

All, that is, except one.

Detecting a problem, the submarine turned once more to Twilight, and pinged her.

“That’s just it,” Twilight said with a sigh. “Just when I learned how wonderful it is to have friends, I have to leave them.”

The sub did nothing for several moments. Then, deep within its communication room, a small device tapped away. Spike, with his extra-sensitive hearing, heard it and took out a piece of parchment. Translating the message from morse code, he wrote down the message and handed it to Twilight with a sly grin.

With the others looking on, Twilight read the message aloud. “I, S.S. Princess Celestia, hereby decree that the unicorn Twilight Sparkle shall take on a new mission for Equestria. She must continue to study the magic of friendship. She must report to me her findings from her new home in Ponyville.”

Twilight’s new friends cheered. Twilight wanted to join them in the celebration, but she was overwhelmed, her own tears now falling to the floor. The scroll followed moments later as she embraced the submarine. “Oh, thank you, Princess Celestia! I’ll study harder than ever before!”

All the ponies cheered, and Pinkie fired off another blast from her cannon, filling the air with laughter and cheer, accompanied by the blast of a foghorn.

***

Twilight had been looking forward to the Grand Galloping Gala all year. Every day, almost every waking moment, was consumed with the thought of how wonderful it was going to be. It should have been a wonderful night, surpassing all her expectations.

Instead, it was the opposite.

“That sounds like the worst night ever!” Spike said as he munched on another donut.

The other ponies chuckled with nervous laughter. Twilight didn’t. She didn’t feel like laughing. “I just hope Princess Celestia isn’t upset with us for ruining the Gala,” she said. How would her mentor react to having the greatest event in Canterlot being ruined by not only her friends, but herself?

A sonar ping bounced through Donut Joe’s as the submarine in question crashed through the store’s side.

“Princess Celestia!” everyone called out, shocked that the leader of Equestria would grace them with their presence, especially after the events of the galla.

Taking a deep breath, and steeling herself for whatever fate might befall her, Twilight stepped forward. “Pardon me, Princess, but tonight was just awful.”

The submarine pinged her.

Twilight tilted her head. “It is?”

The submarine pinged them all.

Relief washed over Twilight like a wave. “You’re right, princess! Friends have a way of making even the worst of times into something pretty great!”

“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash slapped the table. “Hanging out with friends!”

“Talking!” Fluttershy said.

Pinkie Pie fired her party cannon. “Laughing!”

Spike groaned. “You mean doing exactly what I wanted to do the whole time?”

“Yes, Spike.” Twilight rubbed his head. “You were right.”

Taking a donut for herself, Applejack said, “As horrible as our night was...”

“Being together here has made it all better,” Rarity said.

“In fact,” Pinkie said. “It’s made it...”

“The best night ever!” Everyone said, laughing.

The submarine joined in on the fun, blowing its foghorn long into the night.

***

The wedding of Princess Cadance and Shining Armor was certainly the wedding of the century, judging by the thousands of ponies who had crowded into Canterlot and the castle to watch their union, the moment now just seconds away.

The submarine lay atop the altar at the back of the room, motionless as its foghorn blasted away, reciting the sacred words of matrimony.

“Stop!”

Everyone turned as Twilight Sparkle ran into the chamber, scuffed up and dirty, and very ticked off.

“Why?!” Cadance sobbed. “Why does she have to ruin my special day?”

Another Cadance ran into the room, scuffed and dirty like Twilight, and twice as angry. “Because it’s not your special day! It’s mine!”

The crowds of ponies gasped.

“I... I don’t understand,” Applejack said, gobsmacked at seeing double. “How can there be two of ‘em?”

Cadance was happy to clear things up for Applejack and everyone else. “She’s a changeling. She takes the form of somepony you love and gains power by feeding off your love for them.”

No sooner had the words left her mouth than the Cadance upon the stand burned away in the fiery heat of a green fire. When it fell moments later, the visage of a hideous, bug-like equine stood before them all.

“Right you are, Princess! And as queen of the changelings, it is up to me to find food for my subjects. Equestria has more love than any place I've ever encountered. My fellow changelings will be able to devour so much of it that we will gain more power than we have ever dreamed of!”

Cadance wasn’t cowed. “They'll never get the chance! Shining Armor's protection spell will keep them from ever even reaching us!"

“Oh, I doubt that.” She looked to Shining Armor with the concern of an anxious wife. “Isn’t that right, dear?”

Shining Armor murmured something, his eyes glazed over.

“Ever since I took your place, I've been feeding off Shining Armor's love for you!” Chrysalis said. “Every moment he grows weaker, and so does his spell. Even now, my minions are chipping away at it! He may not be my husband, but he is under my total control now! And soon, my changeling army will break through. First, we take Canterlot. And then, all of Equestria!”

Absorbed in her laughter and triumph, Chrysalis was unaware of a tube sliding open in the submarine’s bow. A torpedo shot out and hit the changeling queen, her triumphant laughter turning to a terrified scream as she exploded.

Outside, the changelings, realizing their queen was dead, fled in terror and despair, abandoning the shield that enclosed Canterlot.

Inside the chapel, Cadance ran to her husband (ignoring the blackened streak where her imposter had been) and threw her legs around his neck, letting her love flow into him, breaking the spell that held him hostage. Blinking, the green faded from his eyes, and he looked around as if awakening from a nightmare.

“Wha... what happened?” He looked to Cadance. “Cadance? What––”

She replied by nearly smothering him with a kiss.

Cheers erupted from the chapel, and everyone rose to their hoofs as the princess and her groom embraced one another.

“Best... wedding... ever!” Rainbow Dash cried.

The submarine blared its foghorn.

***

It was like nothing Twilight had ever seen before: Everything was shrouded in mist and clouds that stretched as far as she could see, perhaps stretching on into an infinite void of stars.

“Hello?” Twilight’s voice echoed until it faded away. “Where am I? What is this place?”

A familiar ping brought a wave of relief. A familiar submarine sailed through the mist as effortlessly as a bird would fly through the sky. It stopped before Twilight and pinged her.

“Princess... I don’t understand,” Twilight said. “What did I do?”

The submarine pinged her several times before turning and heading into the ether, its propeller going slowly so that Twilight could keep up.

“Ready? Ready for what?”

The submarine didn’t answer, but screens came forth to create a hallway, each showing a snippet of Twilight’s life since she had first left Canterlot and gone to Ponyville. And as they walked, the sub’s foghorn blared away for several minutes.

Eventually, the screens vanished, and the submarine turned back to Twilight. Another torpedo tube opened as a green, biological agent washed over Twilight. She backed up, fear momentarily overriding the trust she had for her metallic princess, but the agent washed over her and into her lungs. She coughed, rising up, feeling her cells changing and expanding.

The ether vanished, replaced by white. And then she heard a voice somewhere nearby.

“Twilight... is that you?”

The light faded, and Twilight stood, any discomfort from the agent now gone. Taking a deep breath, she flexed her back, and extended the great pair of wings that stretched out from her shoulders.

Before her, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and all her other friends gasped.

“Wha... I-I’ve never seen anything like it!” Applejack said.

“Ha! Twilight’s got wings! Awesome!” Rainbow Dash jogged over and gave Twilight a playful punch. “A new flying buddy!”

Of all those present, Rarity was the most awestruck at the wings, looking them over as if they were a beautiful diamond to be treasured and studied in equal measure. “Why, you’ve become an Alicorn. I didn’t even know that was possible!”

A kazoo was whipped out. “Alicorn party!” Pinkie screamed as she blew as loud and hard as she could.

Fluttershy was the last to come over. “Wow... You look just like a princess!”

A sonar ping interrupted them all as the submarine shoved its way through the dirt and came to a stop before the group.

“A.. A princess?” Twilight asked.

The submarine pinged her.

“But.. does this mean I won’t be your student anymore?”

Another ping.

“But... what do I do now? Is there a book about being a princess I should read?"

If the submarine could have giggled, it would. Instead, it just gave another ping to assure Equestria’s newest princess that she would be fine.

***

The latest Grand Galloping Gala was better than the last one by any means, except for the green blob that was currently flooding the ballroom and the rest of the palace. Ponies screamed as they were carried about, helpless to escape the unimaginably sticky grip of the Smooze.

Among the chaos, the submarine remained still, opening all its hatches and firing cables into the goop for ponies to grab onto. It was unaffected by the Smooze, its 16,000 ton weight too much to be budged by simple ooze.

Standing atop the hull, Twilight tried zapping the ooze, desperate to not have yet another gala ruined on her watch, but not even her princess-level magic could make a dent in the goop overtaking the room.

“None of my magic works on this ooze!” Twilight cried out to the sub. “Can you stop it?”

The submarine had been contemplating that problem. Torpedoes would be of no use: unlike the wedding, the risk of collateral damage to the ponies was too great. There was, however, an easier solution. Vents opened on the hull, and there was a great sucking sound as the Smooze was sucked into the ballast tanks, rapidly draining the ballroom.

With a shout of protest, Smooze was pulled into the sub's hull. The vents slammed shut, leaving the ponies damp and gooey, but none the worse for wear.

“Oh, Celestia,” Discord fumed. “Must you ruin my attempts to liven up your precious gala?”

***

Several months later, Twilight ran into the throne room, despairing at seeing the submarine, Luna, and Cadance together. Luna and Cadance weren’t happy to see her, or even happy at all. They knew something horrible was coming. That was why they had summoned her here, Twilight figured. They were going to warn her about it.

The submarine... well, it was impossible to read, the hull bearing no lights or indicators of how it felt. In a way, it was a comfort to know that the most powerful being in all Equestria was unaffected by fear or despair.

“I came as quickly as I could!” Twilight said, skidding to a stop before the submarine's dry-dock. “Is something wrong? Is it Tirek?”

“Discord has betrayed the ponies of Equestria and joined forces with Tirek,” Luna said, almost spitting at pronouncing Discord’s name.

“How could he do this?!” Twilight said, her body going cold as she realized what a god of chaos could do with a tyrant hell-bent on conquering all of Equestira. “I thought our friendship meant something to him! I... I thought he changed.”

The submarine remained silent and still.

“When all this is over, ponies will no longer be in control of their world,” Luna said. “That power will belong only to Tirek."

“But we can stop him!” Twilight said. “If all four of us work together, he won’t stand a chance!”

Unknown to Twilight, Luna, or Cadance, the submarine’s radar and communications array were hard at work. Now that Twilight was at the castle, with all four rulers of Equestria safe in one location, the submarine had been triangulating Tirek and Discord’s position. When it had locked onto them, the sub tracked their movements, waiting for the right moment...

“... and once all Alicorn magic is in his possession, his power will know no bounds,” Luna said. “All hope will be lost.”

A hatch atop sub’s hull swung open, and a missile shot out, filling the throne room with smoke, reducing the other three princesses into a coughing fit. When it cleared, they looked up through a hole in the roof, and to the smoke trail that had gone up into the atmosphere, and was now trailing downwards.

“Princess,” Twilight began, “What was––”

The stained glass windows glowed as if the sun itself had suddenly come down outside the castle, the roar of a distant explosion deafening everyone and everything nearby. When both faded a few moments later, a tall, non-radioactive mushroom cloud was rising on the horizon. In the hour to come, first-responders to the scene would find a deep crater far from any city or town. Analysis of the debris would reveal particles of fur that confirmed that Tirek, one of the greatest threats Equestria had ever faced, had been destroyed with the might of a Trident missile. So had Discord, but once he reformed, he would see the error of his ways and turn from his destructive path.

When she learned of the destruction several hours later, Twilight reflected how lucky she was to have such a capable submarine as ruler of Equestria.

Author's Note

After reading this story, this one, this one,and and this one, I couldn't resist trying one myself.