Applejack Finds a Gun

Applejack stood in front of Ponyville's main attraction, glistening, oversized candy canes and multi-colored gumdrops littering the gingerbread-house-like bakery's entrance. Painted in uncomfortably intense pinks and bland beiges, the building stuck out like a sore thumb — most ponies would make up some stupid pun about a 'sore hoof', but Applejack couldn't care less if she was held at gunpoint — though, that would be insinuating that the rest of the town wasn't already enough to make your eyes bleed. It was all just so bright and cheerful... it made the orange mare want to shoot herself, and she did have the means to do so. Hell, even her own barn had been painted a repulsively-bright red by Pinkie Pie, with its own little mural on the side that reminded Applejack of just how depressing the town was. In retrospect, Starlight's village seemed like a treat.

She shook her head, not wanting to think anymore of the aggravating town. Rather, she pondered on who she should show the gun to. Rarity would probably faint on a lush love seat, and Fluttershy would probably whisper some stupid shit about non-violence or some other retardation. There was nothing too bad about showing it to Pinkie Pie, which was what she was doing now, and Twilight would probably want to document it or some other egg-head matter. She wouldn't give it to Rainbow, though; she'd probably try to rob a bank with it.

Before she could even raise a hoof to knock the door, the (disgustingly) pink panel of wood swung open, an even pinker pony who looked as though she'd done a kilo of cocaine standing where it originally was. Applejack stopped herself from plugging her ears for the shrill, squeal voice that was to come, if only to be polite.

"Hiya AJ!" she practically screamed, immediately pulling her forward in the warm embrace of a hug, much to the victim of this assault's vexation. Still holding her, Pinkie Pie began talking (and talking and talking).

"I've been wondering when you'd show up because I saw earlier at the barn and so I thought to myself, 'hey Pinkie, she should come over', and so I said back to myself, 'hey, that's a good idea,' and so then I began cooking and I baked a couple dozen cupcakes for us to share but then it turned out that I accidentally ate them all, so I ran over to Twilight to see if she'd open a portal to the depths of Tartarus so I can use the Well of Ever-Coming, but she said that it was 'immoral', and so I said-"

"Pinkie," Applejack cut her off, breathing deeply and slowly, keeping a straight face. "I swear to fucking God, I will shoot you if you don't shut up."

"Oh silly, you mean Celestia!" she said, letting her go.

"No, I meant God," she said, brushing herself off from the speckles of glitter, flour, and strange white powder that clung to her chest from the ill-received hug. "Besides, Celestia doesn't even rise the sun. It's just plain damn science."

Pinkie's mouth opened in a silent 'O' before she began talking again. "Well, yeah, I know that, but what if she heard you? And also," she said, pointing a hoof at the camera shot and whispering, "you should probably keep the profanity to a low. What if our ratings go down for this?!"

"Oh, fuck the ratings." Applejack said, frown deepening. At this point, it had extended from her muzzle and off her face. She supposed that there was at least one good thing about Pinkie Pie, and that was how she was actually easy to speak to, surprisingly.

Unlike the other girls, she didn't make as many cringey puns and didn't go about their messed-up logic. She was somewhat tolerable. That didn't stop her from trying to be funny, however. Applejack had tried to explain to her numerous times that random doesn't equal funny, but Pinkie Pie keeps telling her that her randomness has context to it.

"Welp, Ah'll be seein' you then," Applejack said, trotting towards the door.

Behind her, Pinkie cocked her head. "Why leave so soon? We haven't even done anything fun!"

"Because the budget of the show can't afford to continue this scene for any long-

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"Applejack, you're here!" Twilight exclaimed, flashing into existence before the orange mare could even knock on the door of her crystal castle, the sun sending horrible glints off of every single jagged edge of its walls, much to her annoyance.

"How did ya even know Ah was here?" Applejack asked, her frown skeptical.

She grinned, pointing a hoof at one of the tower's balconies. "Well, I was watching for when Rarity would come over — we were supposed to share some spells together — until I saw you in the telescope! And in your hoof...?" she asked, neck unnaturally extending so that her head was level with Applejack's hooves. Indeed, she still clutched the Glock. She looked up and bit her lip, making it obvious that she wanted to know what it was.

"Ugh," Applejack groaned, "this is a nine-millimeter Glock that-"

"Wonderful!" Twilight cut in, snatching the thing in a field of levitation and galloping through the door, dragging Applejack along in a field of levitation. Her vision had become a hazy purple because of Twilight's magic to her dismay.

"Twilight, put me down..." she growled. Twilight looked up at her, paused, and her face went blank before lighting up again.

"Oh, I forgot! We can just teleport!" she stated. Before Applejack could tell her otherwise or resist, there was a blinding flash of light, and then blackness. Panicked, she looked around, but it was all just solid black. She could feel it engulfing her, pricking at her skin, a burning sensation. She wanted to scream, to cry out for help, or at least save herself, but there was nothing to buck at. She tried to yell, but her throat seemed like it had been tarnished with sandpaper, and-

Everything returned back to normal, and she was now surrounded by five-story-tall book shelves, all of them stocked. She stumbled momentarily, but quickly regained herself. "Woah..." She'd never been teleported before, and she couldn't say that she'd want to again.

That fear quickly turned to anger as she lashed out at Twilight, going muzzle-to-muzzle with the giddy, grinning mare. "Don't you ever do that again, Twahlight," she warned. The purple horse's eyes only went slightly apart before blinking. Then, as though someone had turned her back on, she jolted upwards and turned around, the Glock flashing into existence.

"Just give it back," Applejack said, her natural frown returning. Twilight, however, didn't look like she'd be doing this any time soon.

"Wow, I'm going to have to document this! Oh, Spiiiiiiike!" she called out. She turned to Applejack. "How does it work?"

As Applejack explained for the second time, the camera angle comically changed to where it was in the bottom of the weapon's barrel, Twilight's eye looking every which way. Applejack, noticing this, snatched the item before she could hurt herself.

"You dumb bitch, yer gonna shoot ya eye out!" she shouted at her. In response, Twilight just sat down on her flanks and did that weird, sleep-mode thing again, this time a fly landing on one of her eyes. Applejack was poking her before Twilight's dragon-slave appeared, wheezing from running all over the castle.

Only meeting up to the farmer's shoulders, the foolish purple dragon had to tilt his head up to look at the Glock that Applejack now held. Gasping, his eyes sparkled in awe as he squished his cheeks together with his claws.

"Sweet Celestia, is that-?" he asked, pointing at it with one stubby finger.

Applejack sighed. "Yes, Spike, its a gun."

"Aw, sweet!" he said, running over to get a closer look at it. "I've seen these in my comic books! The good guys will use them against the bad guys, and duck between covers, and go like-" he clasped his hands together in an imaginary gun "- pew, pew pew!"

Applejack's muzzle crinkled up in cringe from the little midget. Breathing in deeply to keep herself from laughing at him, she simply asked, "Since when does a gun go pew?"

"It does in the comic books!" he told her, jumping up and down trying to grab it.

Repulsed, Applejack shoved him away. "Get your grubby fucking claws away from me."

"C'mon, just lemme see it!" he said, grunting in exertion as he nearly touched it before gravity pulled him back down. Applejack just looked at the scene. Twilight sat on her flanks like a filly, now two flies on her eyes, and a midget-dragon was reaching for a pistol that Applejack was dangling over him.

She put a hoof to her face. "Jesus Christ, this show is getting more and more autistic with each season."