Author's Note
Bernie Sanders can still win, and here's how!
An end to oppression
It was a bright day in ponyville, a sunny day, a clean day, but not a culturally enriching one so it was depressing nonetheless. The main six and their manservant Applejack were hanging out in Twilight’s fuckin’ neato library tree watching the tube, when suddenly a heart wrenching affair was shown to them on the InterNeightional News at 7.
“And in recent news, twenty horses have been killed in a recent suicide bombing that took place in Saddle Arabia. Survivor accounts report that a camel had hidden a magical explosive in his turban and a detonator within his beard. I seem to be getting a report that our reporter Jim is on the scene now speaking with bystanders. And now to you Jim.”
“Yes thank you kimberly, I have with me a man who owns a local convenience store. What are your thoughts sir?”
“My friend! My friend! Bad news, you see, very bad news. I was polishing local business man’s shoes with my spit when a camel came trotting down the street yelling “Tirek Akbar!!” and just exploded! Business man get upset, doesn’t pay me any rupees. Now how am I to replace my display window!”
“Well you know what they say Kimberly, bad new for them means good news for our wallets...wait, are we still live?”
“Who gives a shit, all the people who can afford electricity are in on it anyway, and now for a commercial break!” Kimberly announces.
Twilight agreed, turning off the TV after realizing she too was one of those who couldn’t afford power. Any cost she would be billed would be sent to Applejack.
“Soooo, how did we even watch that?” Rainbow blurted to her friends.
“Well yah know what they say Rainbow, never let all your gift horses out of the bag twice a day! Besides, all them poor familes over thar’ must feel terrible fer losin’ a loved one because of a dang terrerist.” Applejack said.
“Ugh, you wouldn’t understand Applejack! Terrorism is just another form of protesting against the patriarchy!” Rarity said, returning to her Horsefeed article, “Top 10 Reasons Why Your Slaves Shouldn’t Own Guns!”.
“That poor bomber.” Fluttershy said. She envied that poor bomber for reaching the sweet release of death. Noting that with her courage she only be able to mail bomb the griffon’s meat industry and nothing more.
“You know what? Screw this! I’m gonna go rescue those poor oppressed camels! Who’s with me?” Rainbow Dash yelled.
“ I’M ALWAYS READY FOR A PARTY!” Pinkie Pie yelled.
“YEEEEAAAAAH!” Snowflake yelled.
“S-sorry girls, I can’t. I-I have something important t-to do. Come here angel, I made a special vest for you. We’re going to take a walk to griffon’s meat factory.” Fluttershy said.
“OH MY SWEET CELESTIA!” Rarity said, launching her Galaxy tablet behind her with enough force to have it break through the wall and rocket into the distance. “Sorry girls. I just found out that horses that own guns are literally Adolf Hoofler! I have to put a stop to this.” Rarity said in hysterics as she sprinted out the door.
“I don’t like sand, it’s rough, coarse and it gets everywhere.” Twilight said.
“Well gosh darnit! To be square I don’t fancy what ya’ll are doin’ and I will not be par-” but before Applejack could finish she got cut off by Rainbowdash. Not literally though.
“Fine whatever! Three of us should be good enough to rescue them!” Rainbowdash said.
“UH, ACTUALLY...SORRY DUDES, I WAS HYPED AND ALL BUT I JUST REMEMBERED I NEED TO GO GET MY GAINS.” Snowflake said before gulping down some pre-workout and injecting a vial of some sort of suspicious liquid that made his veins pop out of his muscles more.
“Fu-Fine! Two is fine also!” Rainbowdash yelled.
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“Yeah, move my katana racks a little to the left...Yeah, perfect.” Ted Cruzumaki, newly elected Hokage of Equestria now renamed The Hidden Horse Village, said to a guard. Ted took in his surroundings with pride, knowing that he owned all he surveyed. The throne room (soon to be dojo) was pristine, it’s only flaw being it was covered in gore. But that would make a great hazard for his sparring ring.
“And where do you want this..thing...sir?” A guard said.
“Oh! That’s where my scanner from my favorite movie, Alien 3, went! Yeah just put it next to the ventilation shaft where I normally keep it.” Ted said.
“If you say so princes-...uh..I mean, Lord Hokage.” The guard said. Ted turned towards the exit so that he may seek out the hot springs of his new palace but no sooner did he turn around did he hear the sound of bone piercing flesh as well as something that sounded like rattled wheezes for help getting further away from him but more importantly, his collectable Alien’s 3 scanner was beeping like crazy. Ted Cruzumaki turned around to see a massive, jet black abomination staring at him from the vent. Viscera dripping from it’s hissing maw. Ted balked.
“Is- is that you Sasuke? What did Orochimaru do to you?”
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“Rainbowdash! It smells like shit and my feet hurt!” Pinkie Pie complained.
“Yeah, but think about all the oppressed souls we’ll save! Oh look, here comes some locals now!” Rainbowdash said.
A group of camels approached them. “By Tirek! Why do you useless women not wear proper clothing!? You both are so bare! You must be punished by death!” the group of camels loaded their extended clips into their pattern 1776 infantry musket, fully equipped with a shortened stock, suppressor, red dot sight, recoil reducing grip, aim assisting bipod and a horsebeat sensor. As they fired their guns their firearms all exploded, killing all of the camels instantly, their mongolian handcannons a few thousand years too old to be a real threat.
“Aw, poor camels. If they weren’t so oppressed by the patriarchy then they’d have working weapons. We must put an end to this!” Rainbowdash said.
“Well how are we going to do that?” Pinkie Pie said.
“I’m glad you asked Pinkie! We’ll simply convert to their beliefs and convince them to come back to Equestria with us to have a peaceful protest!” Rainbowdash said.
“Sounds like fun!” Pinkie Pie said.
As Pinkie Pie and Rainbowdash were on their way to the local Tirek believers church they were stopped by the sound of a gun being loaded.
“Now I told yall that what yer doin’ is wrong, if anything, the victims of all these worthless tragedies should be the ones who git rescued!” Applejack said in her thick southern drawl as she loaded her double barreled shotgun.
“Applejack! How could you ever expect to do anything useful? The author never let’s you live long enough to do that!” Rainbowdash said.
“Yeah well I’m right about tired of all this tom foolery and I’ll have yall know tha-” but before she could finish a galaxy tablet came flying by and gracefully chopped her head off, continuing into the sunset like a crusader to the holy lands.
“She never listens does she?” Pinkie said.
As they approached the church they were able to hear various tones of throat singing and and were able to see swarms of flies surrounding the building.
“This must be the place.” Rainbowdash said.
As they entered all eyes locked on them, One camel in some suspiciously stained garbs spoke above the crowd. “Who dares to interrupt our feast of pigs!?” the camel bellowed.
“We do sir! We came here to inform you that you are being oppressed and we have secured a way out of this unfortunate country!” Rainbowdash said confidently.
“Will there be lots of virgin women?” The camel said.
“Uh, I suppose so? Although I don’t see how that is re-”
“Were in!” Then the camels cheered.
“Alright, let’s go! Wait, where’s Pinkie?” Rainbowdash said.
Pinkiepie was surrounded by a group of camels that were licking their lips intently. “Uh, well, these guys said that I’m their wife now. So I guess I’ll just see you back in Equestria?”
“NO TALKING!” then the camels dragged her into a nearby alleyway.
“What a nice group of individuals” Rainbowdash said as she prepared to transport the camels.
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Ted Cruzumaki was finally settling into his new home, after a long battle with Sasuke he was finally sweeping his corpse into the nearest soup kitchen when he was approached by a white horse
Princess there's something you mus-!”
“HOKAGE!” Ted screamed back at her.
“P-pardone?”
“I am Hokage of this village and you will address me as such!” Ted screeched in his nasally voice pointing out a map of equestria.
“Whatever, look, horsefeed just told me about some really dangerous ponies and I think it should be your job to-”
“Hokage Cruzumaki.” A royal guard flew down once again cutting off fashion horse. “The coast guard has spotted a massive ship about to hit land, it looks like it’s full of camels from Saddle Arabia.” Ted was amazed at his own bad luck.
“First my arch-rival attacks me and now the hidden sand village invades, I’ve gotta put a stop to this” Ted monologued before shadow cloning thousands of himself and dashing head first to the danger, ignoring Rarity in the process. “I’LL SAVE THE HIDDEN HORSE VILLAGE, BELIEVE IT!”
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“Alright everybody! It’s time for our peaceful protest! Welcome to Ponyville!” As soon as Rainbowdash was done saying her sentence the crowd of camels went rampant. They started peacefully looting stores and destroying property. There were also various amounts of peaceful screams that were able to be heard echoing through the town.
“Wow Rainbowdash, that’s a lot of refugees! You saved a lot of them, and look how much of a message they’re sending with their protest!” When Twilight was done talking she witnessed a female horse attempting to defend herself against a group of camels.
“Disgusting! How could that woman just go and assault those poor protesters like that!?” Rainbowdash said.
“You're right, I’ll go speak to the mayor immediately.” Twilight said. She made a mad dash across ponyville, every second wasted was another minority refused by his rightful wife. She bucked down city halls doors and sprinted to mayor mare’s office. Inside the Grey haired pony was packing a suitcase with her belongings “Mayor mare, there's an emergency going on outside Refugees are being refused the sex they need to live!” To this Mayor Mare could only offer a nod of understanding.
“I’m sorry Twilight… But I cannot help you here, I’ve been voted out you see. Starting today there will be a new mayor of ponyville.” Twilight stuttered.
“For realz?”
“For realz. Ah, there they are now.” mayor mare pointed behind twilight as the front door flew off its hinges and they were assaulted by millions of splinters as the new mayor made their grand entrance, tremors being felt for miles. Twilight heard a deep growl as a trickle of searing drool fell down her shoulder. She turned around slowly not wanting to confront what she was about to see. But lo and behold she turned around to see the monster that killed her many a-story ago, the xenomorph. It roared at her before clearing it’s throat.
“Ahem, sorry Miss Twilight, I know what I did to you but we’re all older and wiser now and I hope we can get along, now I’d be glad to hear about your problem!” In that moment a single thought ran through Twilight’s mind.
“Applejack was right, we should have stopped the illegal alien immigration.” But with it being too late now Twilight did the only thing a demigod with wings could do, she ran and she ran so far away. She ran right past Rainbowdash.
“We did it guys! We ended racism!” Rainbowdash said while standing in the middle of the havok ridden town, as shadow clones of ted cruzumaki slaughtered all the camels.
