The Usual Suspects

by Doctor Disco

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Other, Pinkie Pie
Length: 1560

Just when you thought it couldn't get worse, the Crusaders come to save the day! Except everything catches fire. Err... Nevermind!

Just when you thought it couldn't get worse, the Crusaders come to save the day!...

Except everything catches fire.

You know, nothing too bad. Right?

Published 2016-12-16 03:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-16 03:30:01 UTC

But The Fire Is Soooo Delightful...

“WHY?!” you shout as you run away clutching three fillies plus one in a tight grip.

“We were trying to help ‘er with her cutie mark!”

You raise your eyebrows in alarm when you hear an explosion behind you. You turn your head in time to see a fireball rushing towards you-

Hold on, hold on, hold on...

Discord, where are the notes for this one-shot?! I know it’s not supposed to start here!

…

Ugh, we’ll have to start from the very beginning. Take two!

It all began when you woke up that morning feeling wonderful refreshed! Ready for the day, you headed out and began your daily routine.

“Phew!” you sighed loudly after your morning run is over. Ever since landing in Equestria, you figured that you might try out exercising. It’s not like you had anything better to do when you were just sitting around getting pampered by ponies. You glanced at your watch to check how you did this time.

“Oh hell no,” you said loudly, looking around in annoyance as you put your hands on your hips. You were a whole five minutes slower than the last time you ran. Huffing in annoyance, you shake your head. “...Never doing cardio ever again…”

You think to yourself: you should probably lay off Pinkie’s baking if you want to get better… But who was watching? No one, that’s who! So instead you rewarded yourself for time lost forever by stuffing the Equestrian equivalent of a Twinkie into your mouth. Mmmm, delicious yet creamy goodness. You looked around to make sure no one was looking before eating another one.

You fish out the keys from your pocket and unlock the door to the house the ponies had ever so kindly just given you. You had been so thankful, you had nearly exploded with joy! Quite literally in fact. You try and think back to it, but all you can remember is something about a cannon in your face and a wiggling pink tush. Oh well. Case in point, it’s not just everyday you’re given a house. It’s better than living in a dirty flat with who-knows-what lying around on the floor

With a quick breath, you ran up the stairs, panted at the top for a bit of air, and slowly walked to your room to change. You began to ruffle through the few remaining Earth shirts you had and your eyes caught on something red and black.

“Nope,” you said under your breath, instead grabbing something green and something dark. You thought to yourself, even if these ponies had odd colour combos, black and red was still not a viable option. Maybe if it was a small design with style…

You headed out for Twilight’s with a book you needed to return. If it wasn’t for the fact it was a non-fiction forced upon you by the smart purple alicorn that was Twilight Sparkle, you probably would’ve lost it a while ago. Or not even read it. But you just somehow knew that Twilight would quiz you. She always did. For some reason. Maybe it was because you were a different species and wanted to know what you thought?

As you walked, you saw three well known and loved fillies you absolutely adore running past you and they wave to you as they do. You noticed that there is another little filly with them, and you can’t help but smile. Were the Cutie Mark Crusaders on another Crusade? You chuckled to yourself at what you thought they might do. It couldn’t be that bad, right?

Right?

Finally, you arrived at Twilight’s Castle and you knocked on the door. Almost immediately, it was seized by purple magic and you found a purple since unicorn smiling at you with glee.

“Hey, Anon! You finally finished ‘The Magical Encyclopedia of Magic Vol. 12 - The History And Times’?” she said.

“Uh, yeah. Hey, is it alright if I don’t get, uh, tested today? I don’t really feel like it right now. Or ever.” Twilight pouted at your words.

“Aw…” she saddened before her face lit up and a poof of magic brought a book floating beside her. “You’ll just have to take it when you finish Volume 13!”

Your jaw dropped before Twilight closed it with her magic. “You told me 12 was the last volume! That’s already 5,000 pages I’ve read! Please have mercy!”

“There’s no rest for the weary, Anon! I looked everywhere for this edition, which just so happens to have had only thirteen versions printed, so be grateful. Don’t worry, this one is only 13 pages long. It’s a quick read!”

You groaned before taking it gingerly between your palms. Wasn’t thirteen an unlucky number? Before you could have reversed your decision, the doors shut in your face and you stood there for a few seconds. Glancing at the subtitle for Volume 13, you groaned. ‘Bad Luck and You: The Ultimate Guide To Identifying Unlucky and Unexpected Encounters’. Thirteen words in the sub-title. Wow. Just wow, you thought.

Someone really wanted this to be unlucky.

Heading back home, you frowned at the sight of smoke coming from that general direction. If there was smoke, there was usually fire, and you began to make haste at a jogged pace. Finally, your fears were recognised when ponies were running opposite of you and one pony yelled “Fire! There’s a fire! Everypony run!”

With a now more worried look, you bursted the last few hundred metres in your out of shape state and turned the corner to see your very own house on fire. In front of it… were Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle as well as the one filly you had seen earlier that morning.

“Not again,” you muttered to yourself as you watched the four girls trying to douse the flames. “First, a new addition to this stupid Encylopedia series, now a flipping fire at my house? Where does it end?!” you finished, before you heard a deep groan and rumble emanate from your blazing house. Knowing what that meant, you tossed the book behind you and ran forwards to grab the four Crusaders. They yelped at the sudden movement and pounded against your skin, but you held firm, running away as fast as you could.

And so… we come back to the present. It looks like it’s your lucky day!

“WHY?!” you shout at the four fillies in your arms. A great cracking can now be heard shrieking from behind you.

“We were trying to get ‘er her Cutie Mark!” Apple Bloom shouts, glancing nervously at the rest of the trio before looking at the pony they were helping. You hear an enormous crash sound behind you and quickly realize what this means.

“And you thought setting fire to my house was a good idea?!” you yell as loud as you can, still pouring more and more speed into your sprint. Maybe those Twinkie’s did help…

“Technically, we didn’t set it on fire. It set itself on fire,” Scootaloo points out, and you deadpan at her the best you can while running and heaving.

“Seriously? My own house set itself on fire?!”

“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “All Fiery did was light her horn on-” she points to a fireplace they had made “-that bonfire and it didn’t light. Next thing we knew, your house was on fire!”

You raise your eyebrow with a glance at the lilac filly that is Fiery Blaze, and she nods vigorously. You ever so slightly shake your head and mutter under your breath. It must have been the damned book! That unlucky piece of…

An explosion behind you brings you to a halt. Turning around and puffing for breath, you're surprised to see a certain pink party pony running away from a torrent of embers and a massive fireball. You then realize that you should probably be running away now too, and Pinkie Pie soon matches pace with you, the occasional piece of burning wood singeing your back and Pinkie’s flanks.

“The fire’s shooting at us!” she shouts as sparks endlessly fly around us and the mega-fireball continues to come closer.

“Goddammit Pinkie!” you yell and with a heave you tackle her to the side, bringing all six of you to the ground. You then watch in fascination and terror as the fireball lands metres ahead, exploding the whole world around you. Debris rains everywhere, and since the fireball tore the air from your lungs, it left all of you dazed and confused on the ground.

“That must’ve been why my Pinkie Sense was tingling!” Pinkie said after a while. “That sure was a doozy!”

You roll your head over to glare daggers at the CMC, who were slowly walking away as if you wouldn’t notice. They notice your look. With a sigh, you shake your head and look up. When will you ever get a break? You then see something out of the corner of your eye and groan as you realize what it is. The Unlucky Book. With soot all over your face and smelling like a fire had eaten you alive, you let out a long, pained groan.

“Worst. Day. Ever.”

Author's Note

A little fast-paced, I guess.

Tell me how I did on my first second-person story!