"freddy and friends? what a f**king joke"

by LeoneHaxor

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6, Other, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Random, Crossover, Sex
Length: 1745

An animatronic bear named Freddy makes an offhand remark. No one is ready for what happens next. [A Five Nights at F**kboy's parody.]

An animatronic bear named Freddy makes an offhand remark. No one is ready for what happens next.

Inspired by the works of Sable Lynn & Joshua Shaw, the creators of the Five Nights at F**kboy's RPGs, as well as several other things.

Tagged for strong language, sexual references, and a singular human corpse.

Published 2016-12-21 00:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-21 00:30:01 UTC

"are you ready for freddy"

Lights up.

An animatronic bear stood alone on the stage, gripping a microphone in his right paw. As if the lights turning on were a divine cue, the bear opened his eyes and turned to gaze directly into the camera.

The security camera positioned over the show stage didn’t respond to the bear’s question, which was either due to an inability to speak or by being smart enough to realize this was just a rhetorical question. Either way, it just sat anchored to the wall above the lone animatronic, totally silent.

Shrugging, the bear walked down the steps to the dining area proper. The area just in front of the stage housed eight tables, clothed in white plastic tablecloths and conical party hats, which filled the space between the stage and the opposing wall. Freddy eyed the hats in particular, as if they would leap off the table and attack him.

Then again, out of all the party hats in the building, those were the ones that left Freddy alone. To this day, he never learned why that was. Considering that party hats were less talkative than the cameras, Freddy didn’t bother asking them. Instead he decided to meander over to the bathrooms, or more accurately what stood next to their entrance.

The table in question has a much more expensive set of finery atop it, including such amenities as a pair of burnished steel candelabras and a velvet runner draped over the table’s center–

…I beg your pardon?

I’m simply doing my job here, Fuckboy, and not assuming everyone is familiar with the layout of Freddy Fuckboy’s Pizza. Would you rather I skip over these establishing shots and let you deal with the other type of wanking going on in this establishment right now?

Knowing full well where that singing came from, Freddy glances at the door to the Pirate Cove.

Now where were we?

Ah. Carry on then.

After offering a brief praise to the dark lord Satan, Freddy turned on his heel towards the locked door of the kitchen.

Freddy then proceeded to punch the fuck out of the door twenty times, making sure to provide his own sound effects for the endeavor.

Freddy stared at the door for a moment…before starting to punch the fuck out of the door once more. This went on for a solid five minutes without any meaningful developments. Which is odd, because I could have sworn…

That you would have acquired the dragon dildo by now. I mean, I'm pretty sure that's what happens when you punch that door so many times. It's the only practical reason I can think of for punching it, because you actually need the key to get into the Kitchen.

If you already had it, why would you punch that door?

Moving right along, the bear proceeded northwards in the direction of the stage, passing a red bottle on the ground. He paused, then backpedaled back to the bottle.

As Freddy got crunk, a vending machine appeared to the west of the stage. Freddy stopped getting crunk and nodded.

The bear walked up to the vending machine and took a quick scan of the items offered inside. After a moment’s consideration, he popped fifteen tokens into the slot for a large soda. The beverage landed at the bottom of the machine with a loud clunk, and as Freddy bent down to grasp his purchase he caught a glimpse of something in his periphery.

Firmly grasping the large soda, Freddy straightened up and gazed at the poster glued to the wall between the machine and the Show Stage camera. The officially licensed merchandise depicted the show stage during the daytime, with Freddy himself in the center of the poster flanked by a purple rabbit and a golden chick animatronic on either side. The caption at the top, in an appropriately child-friendly and gaudy font style, was what specifically caught the bear’s eye.

Shaking his head, Freddy Fuckboy turned to his left and walked towards the Backstage, thus moving the plot along. This also provided the narrator for the perfect opportunity for a scene shift.

First off, you aren't being paid because you are in a fanfiction. Second, would you rather wait for me to narrate a second chapter before this can pass moderation?

If I recall, you addressed me first. We could have pretended that you couldn’t hear me and have just done this in a more traditional fashion. Then again, the canon material didn’t really have a fourth wall either, so in retrospect this outcome was practically inevitable.

Freddy took a glance at the backstage.

Moving right along with our narrative, we must now shift our focus a great many miles away towards the charming town of Ponyville, Equestria. In respect to any potential newcomers to the setting, I shall take the time to properly set the mood. The town's common structures, such as the majority of the shops on the streets as well as any home not belonging to a main character, were constructed with charmingly pedestrian and fantastical at the same time. While I could go into every minute detail that set these buildings apart from each other, I'm afraid I must paint the picture in broader strokes.

The roofs of these houses were made of plywood sheets crowned with thatch, which in turn topped walls made of tan-painted stone masonry and garbed in rustic wooden framing that went around the windows and angles of the homes in interesting but not too wild patterns. The wood types varied between oak, redwood, pine, and even cedar for this framework, and while no house was framed in the exact same way it was clear that the designs blended nicely with their counterparts.

Birds were chirping in the trees, the grass was healthy and green, ponies haggled and hawked in the marketplace, the noodles were nowhere to be seen in town today and would never be brought up again, and the sunlight played over the crystal majesty that was The Castle of Friendship. If one looked closely enough, you could just spot that one of the windows happened to be flashing in a certainly unsolar fashion. And if one were to fly up to the window, climb inside, and follow the source of this flashing, they would find themselves in a large circular room with wooden branches hanging down from the ceiling over its center, reflecting the flashing light of what was directly below.

Directly below was seven chairs carved from the same material as the castle itself, with six of them bearing colorful, pulsing sigils on the backrests whilst the seventh was incredibly smaller and unmarked in comparison. These chairs sat in an almost equidistant circle around the center of the room, the cornerstone of the room's entire purpose and whose description will provide a nice ending to our first chapter.

But before we get to that, let us address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the dragon in the room. He had been snoring peacefully in the smallest chair in the circle - a simple feat considering he was still a baby dragon - resting his purple scaled head after devouring the now empty bowl of gemstones lying next to him. At the present point, however, he was wide awake and looking towards the center of the room. He processed what he was seeing for a moment, then Spike bolted to his feet to get the others.

While he knew their Marks would let the girls know something was up and bring them there without his input, Spike saw it as a matter of principle. After all, he was Twilight's Number One Assistant. So as a loyal assistant does when news of potentially epic schenanigans arrives, he ran out of the room to spread the word.

"Twilight," he cried. "Twilight!"

He practically flung the door off its hinges with his draconian strength, and nearly ran into the lavender alicorn standing on the opposite side of the doorway.

Twilight blinked. "Spike, what's gotten into you?" she asked.

Spike gestured wildly at the center of the room. "Remember the last time THAT happened?" he asked, eyes wide.

Twilight looked at Spike in confusion before looking past him into the room. She wasn't sure why the Cutie Map being active would freak him out, considering it had been used so many times before and -

"Oh," Twilight said, ears drooping.

The crystal table, carved into an impossibly smooth circle around its edges and perfectly level on the physical tabletop, was the largest glowing object in the room. Blazing with magical light and energy, the table displayed an almost immaculately accurate (proportionally and geographically speaking, as the majority of the map was in some shade of translucent teal light making it clearly inaccurate colorwise) Map of Equestria, as well portions of the neighboring lands. The Map pulsed with arcane light, and the six sigils carved into the chairs seated around it appeared in full color over the northern border of the Map, hovering just past the mountain range that formed a border of the Crystal Empire.

Author's Note

Before anyone comments on the lack of punctuation in Freddy's, Foxy's and Bonnie's dialogue, note that this is a conscious choice designed for the specific purpose of staying true to the source material. The odd capitalizations and lack thereof in the animatronic characters' speech patterns are to show that I am staying true to the form. Much like the trolls in Homestuck have their typing quirks, so do the Fazbear crew from that continuity.

And...

It is also why their speech is in those image boxes. They are all custom made by myself by using game assets to my advantage to ensure maximum faithfulness (while keeping in line with the rules of the site, as there are none against lack of capitalization or punctuation in embedded images, so everyone is happy).

Note that the FIM half of the cast will speak normally when they actually get a chance to speak onscreen, as evidenced by the dialogue between Spike and Twilight. It is a deliberate artistic choice to underscore their respective natures and only partially because I'd really rather not create custom faceshots and text boxes for everyone's speech.