Derpy Tries Tech Support

by TheMajorTechie

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Derpy Hooves, Random
Length: 1014

Derpy decides to take on a Tech Support job. It doesn't end well.

A random one-shot I came up with during one of my internet outages.

Image came from Derpibooru. :P

WARNING: Contains an agitated Derpy, a very dedicated troll who's put in their place, and karma. Also, this loosely fits the definition of a trollfic. Sorry.

Published 2016-12-13 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-13 00:10:01 UTC

Let's just say that it burned.

Author's Note

My spellcheck freaked over the course of me writing this. :rainbowwild:

Let's just say that it burned.

"Eylo?"

"Iz dere anybooty dere?"

"Eyloooo?"

Derpy stared at the call list. She was already behind, and the customers were becoming agitated by the wait.

"Where iz da tek subourt?"

This one in particular, featured somepony with a very noticeable accent. The call seemed to be organized into the "General Dumbness" section of Twilight's patented method of call organization. As in, this guy, whoever he was, likely had the intelligence of a peanut.

...or a muffin.

Finally, Derpy unmuted her headset, and replied, "Yes?"

"I haz da problem."

Already irritated by the vagueness of the customer, Derpy continued on with a signature tech-support deadpan.

"Did you try turning it off and back on again?"

In an instant, the voice quickly snapped back, "HOW DOES OFF-ON?! DERE IS NO OFF-ON," followed by a string of ranting profanity.

Derpy sighed, burying her face in her muffin crumb coated hooves. It was another one of those ponies, who, no matter what, always thought that they were geniuses. The only problem with that is that typically, they were the most downright feared clients in the history of tech support. They ask for your manager, the manager would repeat what you say, angering them more. So they continue to call for higher and higher levels of management until they find themselves taking to the CEO or whoever.

Either way, this talk wasn't going anywhere fast.

"Ooh. I found da off-on. Hookay. What I do?"

Derpy pulled the headset's microphone closer.

"What, specifically, is your problem? Microwave? TV? Toaster?"

"No. Lightbulm."

Really? The mare thought, eyeing the muffin on her desk, a bucking light bulb?

Then, an idea flew into her mind in the same fashion that an envelope flutters into a mail dropoff box.

"Have you tried coating it with crumbs and baking at three hundred degrees?"

"No, not yet. What kind of degree?"

Derpy's grin grew wider as her eyes began drifting into focus; a sign of impending doom, if you asked some. Either that, or she was gaining control over her eyeballs for once.

"Celsius."

"Hookay. I prep da oovein now. BRB."

Did they really just say B-R-B, as in, "Be Right Back"? Sheesh. Even I don't know what went wrong in their life... or really anything else...

The phone went dead, giving Derpy time to enjoy her muffin as she hatched her diabolical plans. A minute passed. Then two. Five. Ten.

Exactly seven hours and thirty-six minutes later, as Derpy lay unconscious on the desk, the phone suddenly blared.

"WHAT I DO?! WHAT I DO?!"

Clearly, something went wrong, and for once, Derpy knew exactly what went wrong.

"You never took the lightbulb out of the oven, did you?"

"Noooo. It fiery now. Smoke everywhere. I hear fire truck coming."

Derpy facehooved. If it were anypony that had the capability to bring Equestria to its knees, this was the pony to do it. To think that they were stupid enough to even put a lightbulb in the oven.

"What type of oven did you use?"

"Uh... mie-kro-wavie?"

...And of course, it just happened to be a freakin' microwave. No wonder everything's on fire.

"So what I do?"

Even with how much Derpy mentally begged for the demise of this pony, she knew that she had to do the right thing.

That is, make them suffer until the fire was put out.

"Do you have any cooking oil?"

"Ya."

"Okay, so pour the oil on a rag, and after setting the rag on fire, throw it on your front porch, in your doorway."

There was a long pause, and some shouting that seemingly came from firefighters.

"Strange pony break door and spray rag with hose. What do?"

"Light yourself on fire, too. I've had enough of your sh:yay:."

"Wha?"

Derpy slammed the headset down, grinding it as hard as possible into her desk. It was midnight now, for Celestia's sake. She should've been at home, dreaming nice muffin dreams and falling off her bed... not trying to direct this madpony on how to carry out the basic functions of life. The desk trembled violently from the impact of the headset, before simply crumbling into a heap of splintered wood and hardware.

Not that Twilight really minded, anyways. She often flipped tables like these when she had to personally deal with the customers. She'd understand.

As for the stallion of whom Derpy was "helping", he snickered as he turned off his voice changer, and set aside the soundboard. Another pony fooled, another fulfilling day. Now, if only the light bulb in his lamp would work... the room was pitch black as he stumbled blindly towards the lamp.

Along the way, he tripped on the cord of the soundboard, pulling not only soundboard down from the table, but the lamp, three opened beers, a lighter, and a small anvil-shaped paperweight. As the lighter was crushed by the paperweight, the beer spilled out, seeping into the carpet and the bare wiring that crisscrossed the floor. The stallion's eyes widened with terror as a ferocious alcohol-fueled flame burst into existence before him. He almost swore that he heard the words "HA! KARMA!" blaring from the phone on his burning desk.

Swiftly, the earth pony dove for the phone. The fur on his chest smoldered as he soared past the flames, landing face-first...

...in the wall.

"MMF! HELP!" He wailed, struggling to free himself as the fire licked his tail hairs. Finally, he tore himself free from the wall, a freshly made hole torn straight through into the next room-- his escape path.

Immediately, he dove once again at the hole, forgetting entirely that he had been stuck head first in said hole just seconds prior.

"Sir, do you know what happened to your house?"

The stallion shrugged, burnt patches of his coat flaking off as he did so.

"Do you have anything to say about the fire?"

He shrugged once again.

"Let's just say that it burned."