Rarity and the Rhinoceros

by Vertigo22

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Rarity, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1831

Rarity buys a rhinoceros.

Rarity buys a rhinoceros to act as a guard pet for the Carousel Boutique.

It goes about as well as one would expect.

Published 2016-12-13 18:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-13 18:30:01 UTC

It's Like A Unicorn With Two Horns

On a warm, summer afternoon, Rarity stood in her boutique as she made a dress for a client. She hummed a nameless tune to herself as the pearl-colored cotton was effortlessly stitched together.

“Herff.”

Then there was the rhinoceros behind her.

The two ton bundle of meat, love, and endless insect casualties from the stampedes it was a part of when in the wild walked over to the hard-at-work unicorn and attempted to nuzzle her.

Rarity stopped her sewing machine and let out a groan. “Can't you see I'm working?”

“Herrrff…” The rhinoceros lowered his head and slowly walked away dejectedly.

Rarity let out a sigh and turned around to face her guard pet. “We can play fetch after I'm done here,” she said as the rhino reached the doorway. “Does that sound good?”

The rhinoceros turned his head back and nodded happily, somehow fully capable of understanding what Rarity said despite being a rhinoceros, let alone not even originally being from Equestria.

Rather, it was from a traveling circus that sold the rhino to Rarity for twelve bits and a cup of tea.

Deals like that were hard to pass up when you're in dire need of a guard pet for your boutique.

The rhinoceros, however, wasn't aware of what his new found job was, and merely wandered around the boutique like a lost puppy.

A four thousand pound, grey puppy with a foot and a half long horn, and a shorter horn that measured half a foot in length.

“Herrrfff…” The rhino entered the main lobby of the boutique and lay down in the middle of it; scaring off Opalescence in the process. The rhino looked at the outside world, to which he noticed that a few ponies were glancing in and were admiring the majestic beast that it was.

“Sweet Celestia, is that a rhinoceros!?” Lyra screamed. “Somepony call animal control and don't tell Rarity!”

This was definitely the apex of admiration.

From within the boutique, the rhino watched as Lyra began to speak with a few ponies. After several boring minutes (which, by a rhinoceros’ standards, isn't terribly boring), she left—having seemingly acknowledged that Rarity now owned an animal capable of turning Big Mac into a pancake.

As the crowd outside went their separate ways, the rhino rested its head on the floor and shut its eyes. After a bit, it fell into a heavy slumber.

***

A while later, Rarity exited from her work room. “Oh, Rhinestone!” she called from a nearby room in a singsong voice. “We can play now!”

Rhinestone opened his eyes, but didn't move a muscle, instead opting to remain motionless in the middle of the main room.

Not even as Rarity trotted over with a small rubber ball.

Truly, this was a toy fit for an animal that could act as a living, breathing bowling ball when near a crowd of ponies.

“Come on, Rhiney,” the fashionista cooed. “You always enjoy a game of fetch!”

Rhinestone shifted around and let out a heavy sigh. “Herf…”

Rarity frowned at her not-so-fluffy guard rhino. “Don't you give me that tone of voice!”

The two ton mammal of back talking lifted its head and stuck its tongue out at the fashionista.

Rarity gasped. “Why, I… I never!” She threw the rubber ball aside. “Apologize right now!”

Rhinestone shifted his weight around. “Herrrfff… herf!”

Rarity narrowed her eyes as the horrible words assaulted her ears.

Those animal classes she took from Fluttershy weren't as useful as she'd hoped. Not when she was being exposed to such vile and horrible language!

“How could you say something so… cruel!?” the prim and proper unicorn wailed. “After all we’ve been through!”

“Herf…”

“I don't care if it's only been nine days!”

“Herf… herf herf.”

“Wait, you just want some leaves?”

Rhinestone rolled his eyes and grunted. “Herrrrrrfff…”

“Oh, why didn't just say so!” Rarity chirped. “I'll go fix you up some nutritious leaves right now!” With a smile, she happily trotted into the kitchen and began to fix up her fabulous (and foul-mouthed) rhino some food.

***

Twenty minutes later

If rhinoceros' could talk, Rhinestone would say things that would make a seasoned sailor look like Flurry Heart.

With a groan, the rhino slowly moved his head around and observed his surroundings. Almost immediately, something caught his eye.

The display case in a nearby room.

More specifically, a collection of lavish, meticulously crafted dresses.

Despite the humming of his hard at work owner filling his head, Rhinestone couldn't take his eyes off of them.

Besides, an immediate source of food trumps knowledge of eventually getting food.

And dresses seemed pretty good to Rhinestone.

Slowly, the rhino stood up and—as stealthily as a rhinoceros could—made his way to the display room. He looked around and immediately spotted an exceptionally exquisite dress.

Well, more exceptionally exquisite than your average dress by Ponyville’s premier fashionista.

This dress was lavender colored. The ends of it had diamonds engraved into it, which glistened brightly from the rays of light that shone through the windows nearby.

Truly, this was a one of a kind dress.

And truly, it looked like lunch.

“Herrrfff…” Rhinestone waddled over to the dress and bit down on it. With all of his rhinoceros might, he yanked backwards and tore off a large piece of the fabulous dress.

Crash!

And subsequently knocked down several displays.

Rarity stopped cooking as several more crashes came from the display room. As quick as lightning, she ran to the room and let out a shriek that shattered the windows as she lay eyes on the dreadful sight.

Every dress that had once been on display was now on the floor, and Rhinestone was happily chewing on one.

Rarity's eye twitched violently. Her mane—once pristine and fabulous—was now a sight that would make even the mighty Tirek cower in fear.

“Oh… darling, you…” Rarity choked on her words as she tried to hold back her anger. After a tense few seconds, she fell to her haunches and burst into tears. “I’m ruined!!” she cried. “And it's all because of you!”

Rhinestone did what any rhinoceros would do in a situation like this.

He ignored his accuser and walked over to another dress, at which point he took a large bite out of it. “Herrff,” he said as sarcastically as a rhino could say before he walked back over and nuzzled the still weeping mare. Content with his meal, Rhinestone picked up what remained of the dress and walked out of the room with his takeout.

A meal fit for a king.

Rarity looked over the carnage once more. Half a dozen dresses—all crafted with unimaginable amounts of love, care, dedication, and fabulousity—were strewn across the floor like they were nothing more than pieces of paper! Each had been stomped on with enough weight to crush bones.

Rarity couldn't believe it. These were dresses that had taken entire nights to make! Now they were torn up, partially chewed on, and one was even disintegrating from the stomach acid inside her new guard pet!

“Okay, calm down Rarity,” she told herself. “At least… at least only one has been eaten.” The fashionista burst into tears as she finished her sentence.

Alas, even that still wasn't good enough for Rarity, who stopped crying and instead begun to grit her teeth as she was quickly overcome with rage.

“You will pay for what you did here, Rhinestone!” she screamed as she turned into the equine equivalent to Yellowstone. Rarity stood up and did the only thing a sensible (and proper) mare would do.

Visit Ponyville’s local animal expert.

Rarity stood up and hastily made her way to Fluttershy's cozy cottage. After a short run, she arrived outside her friends humble abode and knocked on the door.

Fluttershy answered the door and looked at her friend, whose mane looked like it'd just run a lap around an F-5 tornado. “Oh dear,” the timid mare said. “What’s wrong, Rarity?”

“Rhinestone ate one of my dresses!” Rarity burst into tears again and buried her face into her forehooves. “Can… can you please take care of him? I can't bear the responsibility of taking care of him!”

Fluttershy nodded. “I'll take good care of him,” she said. “Where is he now?”

“Oh, he's…” Rarity's eyes widened to the size of small planets as she realized she left the dress eating, two ton rhinoceros alone in her home.

With her dresses.

And sewing equipment.

“My everything!” she screamed at the top of her lungs as she ran back to her boutique as fast as her legs could take her (and then some).

Moments later, she arrived back at her residence, her heart threatening to beat straight out of her chest. Inside, she found Rhinestone seated in the middle of the room chewing on a dress.

And several other, partially eaten dresses surrounded him.

Along with Opalescence, who was cowering in the corner.

Rarity fell backwards. “My… my… work…” Tears streamed down her face as thoughts of dozens upon dozens of hours of work filled her mind.

All of them now reduced to food for a rhinoceros.

“You ate my life's work you monster!” Rarity sat up and glared angrily at the still-feasting rhino. “If I wasn't so kind, I'd send you off to live in the Everfree Forest!”

A soft gasp came from behind Rarity, who turned around to see Fluttershy covering her mouth. “You wouldn't actually do that, would you?”

“Um… no,” Rarity answered, “of course I wouldn't, darling. That would be the most cruel thing imaginable.”

“That's a relief,” Fluttershy said. “Now, this will only take a second.” She walked past Rarity and approached Rhinestone, who looked up at the butter colored mare with a blank expression. “You're coming home with me, Rhinestone.”

“Herf.”

“I know you love it here, but Rarity believes it'd be best if you stay with me.”

Rarity watched from the doorway as Fluttershy spoke with the rhinoceros and, after a few minutes of talking, Fluttershy walked up to Rarity with her former pet rhino.

“He understands why you can't keep him,” Fluttershy said. “But if you ever want to visit him, you can always come by to say hello.”

Rarity nervously laughed. “T-that will be perfectly fine, Fluttershy,” she said as she stepped aside. “You take care now.”

Fluttershy nodded and walked out of the boutique with Rhinestone, who somehow still had a piece of dress in his mouth.

Rarity let out a heavy sigh and rested her head against the building. “Can today get any worse?”

“Howdy, Rarity!” Applejack yelled from behind her.

“Oh, good afternoon, Apple-” Rarity's eyes widened as she came face to face with a large, brown-colored muzzle. Warm air exited from the nostrils of the large animal as she slowly walked back, slowly tilting her head up to see her southern friend atop the massive creature.

“Whatcha think of my new hippopotamus?”

Rarity fainted.