Coupcakes

by Vertigo22

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2730

Sapient cupcakes attempt to overthrow Pinkie Pie at Sugarcube Corner.

On a morning like any other, two sapient cupcakes barge into Sugarcube Corner, believing it to be a kingdom.

However, after finding out the horrible truth about what happens to cupcakes, they attempt to overthrow Pinkie Pie and stop the production (and consumption) of cupcakes once and for all!

Edited by James Fire.

Published 2016-12-20 16:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-20 16:50:02 UTC

Coup de Cake

It was a warm, humid summer morning in Ponyville as Princess Twilight Sparkle, her student, Starlight Glimmer and Twilight's assistant, Spike, all sat around the kitchen table.

Kaboom!

That is, until a batch of cupcakes became sentient.

“Oh sweet Celestia!” Starlight shrieked as the bipedal, frosted cupcakes climbed over each other, and out of the tupperware they were in. Starlight charged up her horn, but was quickly knocked down by one of the delicious treats.

Twilight levitated the cupcake off of her student and hurled it against the wall—which smeared frosting on it. “Spike, go try to round up as many as-” Before she could finish her sentence, another cupcake latched onto her face and attempted to bite down on her muzzle.

Alas, it had no teeth.

However, it was a cupcake, and was too stupid to realize this.

Twilight bit down on the ‘chest’ of the cupcake and threw it down to the ground. “Anyways,” she said as she faced her number one assistant. “Go try round up as many as you can.”

Spike nodded and ran into the fray as adrenaline filled his veins.

***

However, little did Spike know that—roughly twelve feet from him and his friends—were two cupcakes. One with pink frosting, and green sprinkles. The other with blue frosting and red sprinkles.

With the speed of a cheetah (and the gracefulness of a monster truck), the two rogue cupcakes opened the door to the hallway and closed it behind them.

“Where are we?” the blue cupcake asked; its somehow voice somehow as deep as Big Macintosh’s. Two twig-thin arms protruded from its sides, and two equally thin legs came from beneath it.

All in all, this thing would barely be able to see a full grown pony eye-to-eye.

“I don't know,” the pink cupcake replied; its voice somehow more snobbish and uptight than even the most elite citizen of Canterlot. “I think I saw something in there that mentioned a kingdom called ‘Sugarcube Corner’. Maybe that's where their king and queen reside!”

“Then our course is set!” the blue cupcake said. As it opened its mouth to speak again, an explosion and scream came from within the kitchen, followed by the cry of an ostrich.

“So, where is this ‘Sugarcube Corner’?” the pink cupcake inquired, simultaneously doing its very best to ignore the increasingly chaotic (and enigmatic) sounds from within the kitchen.

“I don't know,” the blue cupcake answered. “I guess we’ll have to find it ourselves!”

Before the pink cupcake could protest the idea, the cry of a whale came from within the kitchen, followed by sounds so horrific and nightmarish that to describe them would be labeled as a crime against humanity. Or a crime against ponydom in this case.

The duo of frosted treats slowly stepped away from the door to the kitchen. “So, where's the exit?” asked the pink cupcake.

“I haven't got the slightest idea,” replied the equally shaken blue frosted treat, “but I'm not staying to see what in the world is behind that door!” With that, the two cupcakes ran off in opposite directions.

And, eventually, they met up at the front door.

“Okay, so, any idea where we go?” the pink cupcake asked as the duo exited the majestic palace and stepped into a dense forest.

“Uhh… well, we can follow the path,” replied the blue treat of unprecedented ideas. “I mean, it'll either lead to the kingdom that object spoke of, or it'll lead us to a maw of unfathomable horrors. Either way, it can't be worse than whatever was in the castle.”

The pink cupcake nodded and began to walk down the path; its companion walking casually beside it through the thick foliage.

“Uh, why aren't you walking on the path with me?” it asked quizzically.

“Why aren't you?”

This was going to be an excruciatingly long walk…

***

Meanwhile, Ponyville’s premiere party pony—Pinkie Pie—stood behind the counter at Sugarcube Corner with a typical Pinkie Pie smile.

“Thanks for coming, Bon Bon!” she said with enough happiness to make even the most cynical of ponies become pure optimists.

Bon Bon simply waved goodbye as she exited the sweets shop, which left Pinkie with a quieter than average day.

It totally didn't have anything to do with it being Flu season.

Despite the illness that had been going around, Pinkie didn't stop baking up enough treats to feed the entirety of Canterlot twice over. She trotted into the kitchen and began to make some cupcakes.

However, her baking was disturbed when, with little warning—and in a flurry of sprinkles—two bipedal cupcakes barged through the front door (their frosting somehow still in perfectly fine condition). “So, this is the kingdom of Sugarcube Corner?” the blue cupcake wondered aloud as it admired the shop interior.

“It sure is.” Pinkie bounced behind the counter and beamed. “I'm the queen baker, Pinkie-” stopped mid-sentence as she lay eyes on the two customers. “Uhh…” She tilted her head as she attempted to register what she was currently seeing.

“You must be the queen of this kingdom!” the pink treat said. “Your highness, we come requesting residence here! Our previous ruler…” the cupcake looked up at Pinkie—somehow having produced tears of frosting. “She wanted to eat us!”

However, the words went through one ear of Pinkie Pie’s head and out the other (covered in frosting no less). She stared blankly at the two kneeling cupcakes when she remembered something.

Something that should never have been spoken.

Alas, this was Pinkie Pie.

“I… didn't I sell you two to Starlight and Spike this morning?”

The kneeling duo both gasped. “You did what!?” they bellowed in unison, which sent Pinkie flying into the wall.

“I… said I sold you two,” Pinkie said before she fell forward onto her face.

The two cupcakes fumed with anger and fury. The blue one jumped up and—with newfound frosty-adrenaline—barricaded the front door with tables, chairs, and a xylophone.

“How could you do this to us, Queen Pinkie!?” the pink cupcake wailed as it covered its face and began to sob.

Pinkie stared at the two party treats; still completely and utterly baffled. “I don't under-”

Before she could finish her sentence, the blue cupcake charged at her and threw a sharp right hook at her, which, catching her off-guard, caused her to fall back. “We now have a new mission to do!” it proclaimed while standing majestically on the counter and staring down at Pinkie. “As of now: here to stop the selling of our kind! We shall seize this place and sell happier things! Like magma rocks and zambonis!”

Pinkie gasped and quickly stood up and glared angrily at the blue ‘rebel’. “I won't let you take over Mister and Missus Cakes shop!” she snapped as she bucked the cupcake off of the counter. “Or my name isn't Pinkie Party Pie!” With that, she took out her party cannon and placed it where the cupcake once proudly stood. She aimed it at the two rebellious treats and, with a wicked grin, fired it off at the bipedal treats, who were blown back into the wall.

“You can't stop the Cupcake Revolution!” the pink cupcake cried before it fell cake-face first onto the floor. It pushed itself up and glared angrily at Pinkie with its sprinkle-eyes before lunging at the party mare and throwing multiple punches.

Despite the fact that the blows were coming from something with arms as thin as twine, the cupcake managed to land a few harsh blows on Pinkie's cheeks.

Pinkie attempted to shield her face from the rapid blows. “I'm sure we can work something out,” she said as another one of the cakes punches connected with her jaw.

“Hah! Words of a true charlatan!” the blue treat yelled as it ran up beside its fellow cupcake-in-arms and began to kick Pinkie. “How can you hope to stop our revolution when you're but one insignificant pony, and we are two cupcakes with the training of our gladiatorial champion; Cupcakus the Great!”

“With... this!” Pinkie swung a leg and tripped the two cupcakes before she stood up and, taking out a comically large hammer, she swung it down onto the blue cupcake, who suffered little more than a bump on its glorious frosted head.

“Haha! We have been enchanted by our enchantress, Cupcarloine the Graceful!” the pink cupcake proclaimed whilst standing up. “You'll have to use more than your brutish weaponry to destroy us in body—let alone in spirit!”

“You’re cupcakes though!” Pinkie said as she once again attempted to convince herself that this was reality and not a fever dream. “You… are… food!"

The cupcakes both gasped. “We are not food for you ponies!” the blue cupcake snarled. “We are merely intelligent cupcakes that wish to do nothing more than enjoy waffles with syrup and guacamole!”

“Ooh, I love waffles!” Pinkie said as she suddenly became oblivious to the murderous cupcakes. She ran into the kitchen and—mere seconds later because Pinkie Pie—emerged with a plate stacked with enough waffles to cover a small lake, along with enough syrup to make a diabetic require extra strength insulin.

That's not counting the insulin required for just seeing Sugarcube Corner.

“Want some?” Pinkie asked as she took a large bite out of the gargantuan stack of waffles.

The cupcakes looked at each other for a few seconds. Without a word—and with callous disregard for the living dream of every waffle lover in Equus—kicked the tower of waffles down. “We shall no longer love waffles after seeing that you love them!” the blue waffle roared. “Now, off with your head!”

The pink cupcake grabbed Pinkie's mane and—somehow—dragged her across the floor. “Off with the false-queen’s head! We shall no longer live under the tyrannical rule of this cupcake eater!”

“I’m not the queen of this bakery!” Pinkie yelled as the cupcakes attempted to hoist her up onto the counter. “I was never the queen!”

The two cupcakes stopped trying to lift up the ninety-five pound pink equine of energy and happiness. “What do you mean?” the blue one asked. “You're clearly the queen of this establishment!”

Pinkie shook her head. “The Cakes are! But they're out for the weekend with their foals until tomorrow!”

“But you see!” The pink cupcake pointed a finger at Pinkie and glared angrily. “That makes you the ruler of this horrific place! Therefore, you are queen of here!”

Deep down, Pinkie couldn't help but question how she'd gotten here in life. Years upon years of planning the greatest parties Ponyville had ever seen, and now she was arguing with two bipedal treats that were at every Pinkie Pie party.

She also made a mental note to sell this idea to Applewood.

“Equestria doesn't have queens,” Pinkie said with a smile. “We have five princesses! There's Celestia, Luna-”

The pink cupcake covered Pinkie's mouth and growled, “We'll deal with them after we're done with you, Queen Pinkie!”

Pinkie slapped away the cupcakes hand. “You'll have to catch me first!” she said as she ran past them and upstairs.

“Damn, how did we not see that one coming?” the blue cupcake asked while looking at where its mortal enemy had once been.

“I dunno, but I feel like a moron now,” the pink cupcake said with a sigh. “No matter though! Let's get that pink killer before she makes more of us to eat!” With that, it charged up the stairs, its comrade right behind.

As the duo reached the top of the stairs, they were met with a pile of confetti and sprinkles. “Ah-hah!” The blue cupcake walked up to the pile and swiped it aside.

And found nothing.

“Where is she…?”

“Up here,” Pinkie said said as she dropped down onto the cupcake and wrapped her forelegs around it.

“Get her off me! Before she eats me!” screamed the panic-stricken treat as it flailed violently in Pinkie's loving embrace.

Well, that's anypony who knew Pinkie would know.

“I'm not going to eat you, silly,” Pinkie said with a smile. “I don't eat sentient beings.” She released the nearly crushed cupcake from the hug and bounced up. “However, you're it now!”

The blue cupcake looked at its partner in rebelling before they both stared at Pinkie. “What do you mean?”

“You hide and I find you two,” she said. “Have you never played Hide and Seek?”

“Uh, we totally have,” the blue cupcake said. “We’ll… go hide.” With that, the two cupcakes ran off towards the nearest bedroom and slammed the door shut.

“There has to be something in here that we can use to take her out,” the pink cupcake growled as it shifted through a drawer. “Tapestry, alchemist bottle…” The cupcake grinned as it pulled out the most graceful and elegant of weapons when disposing of a tyrannical ruler.

A knife.

“Behold, my fellow warrior,” it said as it held up the three inch weapon of tyrant-disposing glory in the air. “With this weapon, we shall rid Queen Pinkie from this land!”

As the cupcake finished its rousing speech, the bedroom door swung open. “Found you!” Pinkie bounced over and looked at the knife. “Oh, that's where that went,” she remarked before grabbing the sharp instrument from the cupcake. “Wonder how it got in mister and missus Cake’s drawer.”

But, without warning, the pink cupcake punched the equally pink mare and grabbed the knife from her. “Now, Queen Pinkie!” it yelled as it held the knife out towards the mare in question. “For crimes against cupcakes across the world, I sentence you to death!” The cupcake raised the knife up and slammed it down.

However, Pinkie rolled out of the way and quickly stood up. She ran out of the door and towards the stairway. Behind her, she could hear the two cupcakes scream something about escaping justice.

Really, the only thing on her mind was I’m being chased by sentient cupcakes, how the crap has my life gotten here!? Along with thoughts on how amazing it was to be the first to be chased by sentient cupcakes, but that's a story for a later time.

Pinkie continued to question herself as she reached the bottom of the stairs, but quickly snapped out of the stupor when she felt something slice into her left hind leg. She let out a pained scream and fell limp. She turned around to see the cupcake holding the knife out as blood dripped from it. “Justice shall finally… be…”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow and turned her head...

Boom!

Dragging herself behind the counter, she heard an explosion that gave her an image, not of the barricade being blown away, but of her entire home town being reduced to a crater.

Nonetheless, splinters were sent in all directions. Without a word, Pinkie saw a magic bolt fly towards the the blue cupcake, which reduced it to ash. The pink cupcake merely stood still as a magic bolt flew towards it.

“Oh, bugger,” it muttered to itself before it being reduced to little more than ash.

Pinkie Pie dragged herself out from hiding to see Twilight Sparkle in the doorway with Spike and Starlight Glimmer.

“Twilight!” Pinkie exclaimed with a larger-than-average Pinkie Pie smile.

The princess smiled warmly. “You're safe!” She ran over to her friend and gave her a hug. “Oh, dear,” she said upon seeing her friends injury. “Spike, get some bandages!”

Spike nodded and ran into the back. As he rummaged around, Pinkie asked, “So, what were those things?”

“I can answer that!” Starlight spoke up. “I, uh, had a sneezing fit and accidentally fired off a spell that gave sentience to the baker's dozen of cupcakes I picked up this morning from here with Spike.”

Twilight nodded. “It took us all morning to get rid of them!” she said as Starlight walked up to her mentor’s side. “I guess these two must've slipped away while we fought the others.”

Spike ran out from the kitchen with a first-aid kit and handed it to Twilight, who immediately got to work on patching up the wound. “So, what do you going to tell the Cakes?” he asked Pinkie.

Pinkie tapped her chin. “I’ll tell them not to worry about it,” she said. “Cleaning it up will be easy peasy.”

“And replacing the chairs and tables?” Starlight asked quizzically.

“Piece of cake.”