“Is this thing on?”
tap, tap, tap, screeeeeeech!!!! Groan …
“Uh … sorry about that. Anyway, my name is Princess Twilight Sparkle. But you can just call me Twilight, or Twilight sparkle … But not Book Horse or The Purple Smart, please. And it’s an honor for me to be guest lecturing today at George Washington University. Today I thought –”
aringy dingy ding ding dong. aringy dingy ding ding dong.
“Whose phone is that? Turn it off please … Yes, you. Turn that off. Thank you … By the way, for future reference, my policy on cell phones is simple. Cell phones that go off in my class will be teleported out of the auditorium. You may reclaim them in the toilet of the nearest restroom … Yes, I’ll give you all a moment to turn them off … Alright, thank you.
“Anyway, as I was saying, today I thought I’d speak on a topic that combines politics, science, history, international relations, and a certain amount of crime. The topic of why alcohol is banned in Equestria. You’ve probably heard several stories, ranging from Celestia being a prude, to alcohol being poisonous to ponies, to who knows what else. But the story I’m about to tell you is the true one. The real reason that alcohol is banned in Equestria. No, don’t roll your eyes, please. I assure you, this lecture will be very interesting. You might even laugh. Okay? Good.
“Now to start with, it’s necessary to understand something about equine biology. As part of our natural digestion process, we ferment our food in our stomachs before extracting the energy from it. That’s why we ponies are able to digest things that you humans cannot, such as hay, and straw. Of course, the fermentation process means our digestive systems naturally produce alcohol. Like you humans, alcohol is toxic to us. And, just like you humans, our livers produce an enzyme called alcohol dehydrogenase or, ADH, otherwise known as enzyme entry EC 1.1.1.1 in the Enzyme database at –”
“We know! You like databases and you consider the documentation for Oracle to be light pleasure reading!”
“What’s that? … Oh, right … sorry about that, I got a little carried away. Anyway, you don’t need to remember the enzyme entry ID. But you do need to remember the terms alcohol dehydrogenase, and ADH. They will be in the questions that I submit to your normal professor to be included on the final exam for the semester. It’s important to note that there are other enzymes that are also involved in alcohol metabolism. But for the purposes of this lecture and the exam, the only one you need to know about is ADH, and specifically, liver ADH, or LADH. The stomach also produces a form of ADH, and it has been reported that –”
Groan ...
“Oh … right … sorry. Anyway, where was I … Ah yes. The enzyme ADH is responsible for metabolizing alcohol. The alcohol metabolism process requires eight steps: The first is the binding of the coenzyme NAD+. The second is the binding of the alcohol substrate by coordination to zinc. The third –”
“Is it really necessary for us to know all eight steps in the process?”
“What? Oh … No … No, it’s not. Sorry. I got sidetracked again. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes … Of course, your liver can only produce ADH at a certain rate and as alcohol is consumed, the supply of ADH is also consumed as it binds to the alcohol molecules and oxidizes them undergoing an exothermic reaction that if carried to completion yields approximately 1 325 kilojoules per mole of –”
“Will this be on the exam?”
“Um … No … No, it won’t … Anyway … The average human male can metabolize about one drink per hour. If he exceeds that rate, he will consume ADH faster than his liver can reproduce it. Eventually, the supply of ADH will become exhausted and he will begin to get drunk as his blood alcohol concentration increases.
“The same thing, in theory, happens to a pony who drinks too much. However, because we ponies ferment our food as part of our natural digestion process, our livers produce and store very large amounts of ADH. As a result, it is very difficult for a pony to get drunk because we can metabolize alcohol very quickly. In fact, it’s very hard for a pony to even get a buzz unless they consume vast quantities of alcohol.
“Unfortunately, to this day, many humans are not aware of this aspect of equine biology. And some ponies have used this to take advantage of humans in various drinking games. For the most part, this went under the radar until a certain supermodel mare from Canterlot named Fleur Dis Lee challenged a famous American actor named Robert Downey Jr. to a drinking contest. As many of you will probably know, Robert Downey Jr’s drinking ability is the stuff of legends. Needless to say, he looked at this petite, borderline anorexic mare and thought there was no way in Tartarus that she could possibly beat him in a drinking competition. Well, to make a long story short she drank him under the table. Robert Downey Jr. was passed out on the floor before Fleur Dis Lee had even gotten a buzz.
“Now I know some of you have probably heard the vicious rumor going around that after Robert passed out, Fleur and some of her friends brought him back to her suite and … took advantage of him. However, that rumor is completely false, as many witnesses can attest to. After Mr. Downey passed out, paramedic ponies were called and he was taken to Canterlot General hospital, where he was given benzodiazepines to stop his delirium tremens. He was discharged five days later, still with a massive hangover and the suggestion that he should consider checking into rehab once he returned home.
“Of course, that’s not the end of the story. Due to the celebrity status of the two participants in the drinking contest, photos were taken, many of which were sold to American tabloids such as TMZ and the National Enquirer. Truth be told, not many Americans cared that Mr. Downey had gotten owned by a petite mare. In fact, some thought he deserved it. But others began to come out and say that they had also been taken advantage of by ponies in drinking contests. Ordinary people who weren’t celebrities. Ultimately, this caused an uproar among humans that ponies were taking advantage of them in this way, and pressure began to mount for Princess Celestia to do something to stop it.
“Well, since most ponies don’t drink for recreational purposes anyway, because it’s economically unfeasible for most ponies to drink enough to get buzzed, and because an investigation revealed the majority of alcohol use in Equestria by ponies was to con humans into losing bets at drinking games, Celestia simply decided to ban alcohol all together. Most ponies had no problem with this. The few that did were mostly con ponies who had made a living off tricking humans into drinking contests.
“Well, there you have it. Now you know a little bit more about equine biology, perhaps a little bit more about biology in general, and you’ve learned a little bit about the history of Equestria and the history international relations between ponies and humans. I hope you enjoyed this brief guest lecture, and I hope you were paying attention. Remember, there will be questions about it on the final exam of the semester. Thank you for your time. And I now return you to your regularly scheduled … professor.
