The Strange and Mystical Journey Through Celestia's Nostrils

by TheMajorTechie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Daring Do, Random, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Pinkie Pie
Length: 2138

Daring Do wanted to look for treasure in the land of Celestine Naustaralis, not Celestia's nostrils!

Daring Do wanted to look for treasure in the land of Celestine Naustaralis, not Celestia's nostrils!

A comedic(?) trollfic by TheMajorTechie. :trollestia:

This is pretty much my way of ending off 2016.

Warning: Contains the memes of 2016, and heavy abuse of the Random tag.

Published 2016-12-31 06:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-31 06:30:01 UTC

THERE'S A WHOLE FREAKIN' UNIVERSE IN THERE.

Author's Note

This is what happens when I not only ignore the entire planning stage of writing, but the throwing out horrible ideas and jokes part, as well. :facehoof:

THERE'S A WHOLE FREAKIN' UNIVERSE IN THERE.

It wasn't Daring Do's fault that she had been shrunk and stuffed up Celestia's sniffer. It wasn't even remotely close to what she had in mind when she said that she wanted to explore where the sun never shone. She had been talking about the land of Celestine Naustaralis, not the Sun Princess' bucking nostrils!

Anyways, the famed adventurer carried on with her journey, carefully trotting to avoid the swaying rainbow nose-hairs that grew like grass from all sides. She had promised Celestia that she would bring back something amazing in exchange for royal sponsorship, but that was back when her plans were to explore the Caverns, not to dig for gold in the royal muzzle.

But obviously, for the sake of an (more) interesting plot, there had to be the twist in which the Sun Princess misunderstood the mare, and instead sent her flying up the honker of the princess.

Daring Do tripped, and landed face first in the soft leaves. A gusty wind blew across the landscape, rustling said leaves.

...

What? The mare thought, reminding herself that this was Celestia's nostrils, for Faust's sake. There shouldn't be leaves here.

Though, she already knew exactly what the semi-transparent viscous liquid that she stood in was. Obviously, it was ~~snot~~ the magical water of which nopony knows the name of.

...

Pinkie, may you please exit my story and not modify my words?

NEVER!

Well then, I guess we'll have to do this together.

Yuppers!

And so, Daring Do continued on her journey to find riches amongst the endless scenery of technicolor shrubbery that wasn't really actually shrubbery, for it was actually nose hair.

EWWWWW!

Pinkie, please remain quiet. I'm already getting minimum-wage as it is narrating this thing.

Okay!

Now then. As I left off--

BO-RING!

Fine. YOU narrate.

Daring Do continued on her way and saw a big hill decorated with candy canes and there was this crazy turtle guy wearing three top hats while tap dancing on top of the candy cane hill because he was feeling bored that day and decided that tap dancing was the best way to not be bored and--

OKAY, FREAKIN' STOP.

Okay...

Now, translating what Pinkie here said...

The adventurer found herself at the base of what appeared to be a rather large hill, of which was speckled with candy canes. A strange bipedal tortoise wearing three hats of the top variety tapped away at the top of a lone candy stick, it's booted feet clicking every so often as it did so. The reason? That tortoise felt bored, and the only logical escape from said boredom, according to the tortoise, was tap-dancing.

Hey, it was a turtle!

No, turtles have flippers, and therefore wouldn't be able to tap-dance. Tortoises have feet, so they would. Because of that, the "turtle" you spoke of would, by logic, be a tortoise.

...

...

NOW, AS I WAS NARRATING...

Ignoring the strange sight, as well as the hole in the road, Daring Do found herself falling through into the void of the space-time continuum. Why? Because reasons. Naturally, the mare was amazed at the awesome sight of the inner workings of the universe. She no longer regretted setting hoof into Celestia's nostrils, for she had now seen it all.

A minute pinprick of light caught her eye. In attempt to take a closer look, Daring carried out her most excellent impression of a sky-squid. She soon found herself mere inches away from the supposed source of this light, and reaching with her hoof, pulled out-- Pinkie Pie?

"Hi there!" Pinkie exclaimed, popping effortlessly from the newly-formed portal, "I'm Pinkamena Diane Pie, but you can call me Pinkie!"

Now, the adventurer had had her fair share of surprises before, but this was by far the most surprising.

"Where-- how--?" She sputtered, her eyes darting between Pinkie and the hole in the fabric of space.

Pinkie creepily leaned in closely, breathing over Daring Do's shoulder.

"Don't ask," she whispered, "and you'll save your sanity."

Daring shuddered at the touch of Pinkie's warm breath. Her eyes had halted their spastic movement, instead being locked on the eyes of Pinkie. Two bright, almost glowing orbs. At this proximity, the mare's eyes not only shone, but inflicted a mesmerising sense of calmness onto it's viewers.

Breaking the silence, Pinkie suddenly yelped in glee, and yanked Daring Do into a pocket dimension. Of which, by the logic of Pinkie Sense, was filled with falling anvils. And mailboxes. Oh yeah, and a single golden orb of infinite knowledge.

The mention of said orb of infinite knowledge perplexed the adventurer, even though she never heard any mention of it from anywhere. In fact, it was the orb's very presence that had wormed it's way into her thoughts, infatuating her with the sudden urge to find it. Basically, it wanted to play hide-and-seek.

Pinkie squealed. "LET'S FIND THAT ORB!" She yelled at the top of her lungs, jerking Daring Do alongside her as the two weaved through the various infinitely falling anvils and mailboxes stuffed with actual cans of spam.

After what seemed to be hours of floating through the swamp of the two unrelated objects, the duo of mares found themselves gazing at a massive stone wall. Specifically, the hypothetical wall that was to be built on the US-Mexico border. How it got into the pocket universe, nobody knows.

"¡Viva la Revolución!" Pinkie blurted out, punching a hole cleanly through the wall. At the same time, the entire wall itself collapsed because it was all a figment of their collective imaginations. From the rubble of the nonexistent wall, many rare pepes emerged. Some were more rare than others, for reasons unknown. A strange stick figure who was currently puking rainbows suddenly horked up a staircase to the holy orb of eternal knowledge.

Pinkie and Daring shared a moment of awkward staring, before silently climbing the rainbow bile staircase. Within seconds, the two found themselves at the foot of the pedestal that held the orb of eternal knowledge. Daring held out a hoof, excited by the thought of another artifact, before the orb suddenly turned into a wrinkled, sneering face with a toothy smile. The trollface.

"HA!" It laughed, "I'm not the orb you're looking for! I'm the orb of eternal knowledge, and within me, I store the entire history of pranks, trolls, legends, curses, myths, and legends, and--"

Daring huffed in annoyance, and drop-kicked the troll orb into a nearby rainbow bush. From said bush emerged a large tower that couldn't have ever fit in the space it emerged from, but for the sake of not questioning it, nopony questioned it. King Sombrero, the wacky taco emperor, stood frozen in place at the very top, glaring at the two mares below him with his ramen-vision. Said mares once again didn't question why he had ramen powers as a taco emperor to save their sanity, because just don't.

"WHO DARES TO ENTER MY TERRITORY?!" the king/emperor goat hollered, "I AM KING SOMBRERO, THE LORD OF ALL TACOS! BOW BEFORE ME, OR YOU SHALL LOSE YOUR TACO TUESDAY PRIVILEGES!"

Daring Do wrinkled her muzzle. "Okay," she spat back, "first off, if you're the so-called 'lord of tacos', then why do you have ramen vision, and why does your breath smell like gummy worms?"

"And why does your face look like week-old hummus?" continued Pinkie.

"OH NOES, NOT THE HORRIBLE HUMMUS INSULT, MY ONLY WEAKNESS!" King Sombrero wailed, before reducing into nothing but Grogar, the goat demon. Of whom definitely wasn't currently working the job as the main character in Goat Simulator.

Suddenly, a voice boomed from all directions, sounding strangely like Princess Luna.

"GET BACK IN THE GAME, GROGAR! I DEMAND THAT YOU CONTINUE SLAMMING YOURSELF FACE-FIRST INTO CARS!"

Grogar hung his head low, and whimpered as he shuffled out of the remains of the tower.

Just like before with the 'wall incident', Pinkie and Daring Do had no words for what they had witnessed. Well... at least Daring didn't have words. Pinkie, on the other hand, gasped, and proceeded to begin endlessly babbling about goats, explosions, and Gamer Luna.

Actually, now that Pinkie was rambling off, Daring did have something to say about the event: "That happened."

Not noticing yet another hold in the path, both Pinkie and Daring plummeted into a zoo enclosure.

Suddenly, a large gorilla lunged at the two, grabbing them midair. Said gorilla smiled politely as it set the two mares down after dragging them to safety. A loud bang momentarily filled their collective ears, and the gorilla gasped in shock before collapsing.

Pinkie gasped as well, before sobbing "NOT HARAMBE!" as she buried her face into the gorilla's unmoving body. A strong gust of wind carried away the scenery, of which disintegrated into a fine dust as it was carried off.

Once again, the two mares found themselves floating in nothingness, with nothing to see but the breathlessly beautiful image of the universe before them.

Then, it began to get unreasonably hot.

"What's going on?" Pinkie yelped, clinging onto Daring Do.

Daring shrugged. The two were suddenly in an ordinary room with a table and a chair. A strange dog wearing a hat sat beside them, staring into nothingness as the room burned around them.

"This is fine." The dog stated flatly, before sipping from his cup.

Suddenly, a red and white spherical object flew across the room, missing the dog by a massive 7 pixels on the screen of a phone that some random guy had.

"Darnit!" he yelled, before swiping the screen again.

Yet another ball sailed through, this time hitting the dog squarely between the eyes.

"Um..." Daring murmured, before Pinkie dragged her through another rift through space.

The two emerged into yet another room, this time filled with plush versions of themselves and other ponies. It wasn't exactly a room, but a shelf. And along with those plush versions of ponies were humans. Mostly people ranging from their teens to mid-thirties, and a few older guys and gals browsing the shelves. There were one or two young girls that they spotted amidst the crowd, who were impatiently waiting for their parents to stop shopping for pony plushies.

At least, from behind the security camera on the wall, nobody would see their tiny forms and grab them. And so, the mares disappeared into yet another portal.

Only to find themselves in a murky swamp of the same viscous goop that was seen earlier. Along with the goop, Daring was able to just barely make out the glint of a small metallic object embedded deep within the substance. Before Pinkie could try anything, the adventurer dove into the slime. A few seconds passed. Then thirty, then a minute. Finally, exactly one minute and a second later, Daring burst from the surface, with the Orb of Infinite Knowledge in her grasp. Pinkie suddenly froze mid-clap, and began spazzing as her Pinkie Sense kicked in.

"Run," she said, staring straight ahead.

"Why?" Daring replied, turning to face in the direction Pinkie gazed in.

A flying sky-squid with a flaming anvil stuffed in a mailbox was rapidly approaching the two mares on its nuclear missile that it had stolen from North Korea. Though, in reality, the missile was actually composed of a cardboard box filled with Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones.

"RUN!"

The duo darted off, and dove into a swirling vortex in the goop.

Only to be violently expelled from Celestia's muzzle. At full pony size. Even Celestia herself couldn't comprehend how the two were able to fit through her nose when she sneezed. It was apparent that the shrinking spell had worn off quite a while ago too, as Celestia could finally breathe again after half a day of congestion.

Panting, Daring Do triumphantly held up the Orb of Infinite Knowledge.

"To you, Celestia."

Celestia did nothing.

"Hello?" Pinkie asked, waving her hoof in front of the princess' eyes.

Nothing. Again.

"Um, Pinkie?" Daring suddenly asked, tapping Pinkie on the shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"Since all this was already inside Celestia, do you think this is actually her brain?"

Pinkie and Daring stared at Celestia, then back at the Orb. Celestia, as the logical and wise portion of her mind was gone, was now in complete control by the Orb of Eternal Knowledge, which was in really, the Orb of Ultimate Trolling.

A crazed grin emerged on Celestia's face as her pupils began to dilate.

"Crap." Was all that Pinkie and Daring could collectively muster up.