The morning mail had become something old hat for Filthy Rich. Typically it consisted of reports, an occasional contract and once in awhile a request for a golf or, if the party was feeling energetic, racquetball. Much to Filthy Rich's surprise though, that day the morning mail only contained a single document which he quickly opened.
When he first read the document his hooves trembled uncontrollably. His heart pounded rapidly and for a moment a low tingling sensation ran through his face and down his back. The world became dark and the only thing that he could hear was his own breathing as he slowly curled up in a ball and laid on his side. Never before had he read a document so precise in what must be done and the likely consequences if he failed to act accordingly. It terrified him.
After what felt like hours, Filthy Rich unwound shakily unwound himself and decided that it was time to take action. He was a business pony after all. He’d closed multi-million bit deals with some of the best and brightest in the world. His company was the only one that sold Zap Apple Jam and he alone had managed to expand his company across all of Equestria. “I can handle this,” he muttered to himself and then scheduled a meeting with his most trusted advisors, after which he headed to his private bathroom to clean up.
He splashed some water on his face and combed his mane. He adjusted his tie and gave his reflection the sternest look he could. “I’m Filthy Rich, a pony of action,” he said to himself, “Everything is going to work out exactly as I want today.”
Once satisfied with himself he exited the bathroom and prepared specific written instructions for each of his advisors. Then he sat on the edge of his large mahogany desk in as relaxed of a manner as he could. Within the next twenty minutes five of his top advisors slowly filed into the room and stood before him. He regarded the group quietly before he told them to sit in the chairs provided for them.
Filthy Rich cleared his throat and looked at each stallion and mare squarely in the face before he looked up at his open office door, “Um Buttkiss would you mind shutting the door?”
The blue unicorn with the light purple and white streaked mane stood up. “Of course not sir. It would be my pleasure,” he said and shut the door and quickly returned to his seat.
“Fillies and gentlecolts,” began Filthy Rich, “I’ve called the five of you here today because you’re my closest aides. If there were any ponies I could trust more than you, well they’d be in this room and you wouldn’t.”
“We believe in the greatness of Barnyard Bargains. We’d follow you to the deepest pit of Tartarus,” replied a copper colored pegasus.
“And I appreciate that,” said Filthy Rich with a nod. "Something disturbing, nay terrifying arose this morning…”
Without prompting Buttkiss began to applaud. The twins high hoofed and many cheers and congratulatory shouts echoed throughout the office among most of the advisors for their boss. “I knew this day would come,” said Buttkiss, a huge smile plastered on his face, “I’m glad everything is in… working order.”
Filthy Rich’s eyes widened in shock as his mind raced as to what they could be referring to. After a moment a slight blush crossed his face and he chuckled, “Oh heavens no,” he exclaimed, “Not that… well not yet anyway. The doctors are hopeful though that given the right diet and proper exercises that there is still hope that it’ll happen. Otherwise my wife and I may have to consider other in order start a family.”
The applause died down. “Well, we’re all pulling for you sir,” replied a copper colored pegasus, “If there’s anything we can do…”
“I appreciate that Penny but that is something that I have to do on my own.”
“Understood.”
Filthy Rich reached behind him and retrieved the document that had caused him such misery earlier that day. “Early this morning I received this document in the mail.” He tapped the paper on the desk and looked over at Buttkiss, “Would you mind shutting the … other door? It’s really quite important.”
“No problem sir and might I say that’s a rather smart tie you’re wearing today.”
“Thank you Buttkiss.”
Buttkiss pushed a small red button in the floor and quickly a steel shutter fell across the locked door. After a moment a low clunk echoed through the office indicating that it was in place. “We’re secure sir.”
Filthy Rich nodded in agreement and continued, “The document reads as follows: Dearest and most worthy Friend, This letter has been sent to you for good luck and fortune. Those who have continued the chain have found themselves to have their every wish and desire fulfilled. But those who are foolish enough to dare to break the chain have had misery and misfortune cast upon them. Please select five worthy recipients and mail them hoof written copies in three days to ensure your prosperity.”
“It’s a chain letter,” said the gray pony with the sensibly cut black mane.
“Yes,” replied Penny, “A most disturbing piece of mail indeed.”
“No I mean… it’s a freaking chain letter! We used to send those around to our classmates in sixth grade,” replied the gray pony, shocked that this was the important meeting.
“What would you suggest I do,” asked Filthy Rich.
“Throw it out. It’s worthless.”
Filthy Rich looked at the gray pony and cocked his head to one side, “Neigh Sayer, you seem to have your doubts as to the seriousness of the situation. Shall I continue reading for your benefit?”
“Perhaps you should sir,” stated Penny seriously, “He doesn’t seem to grasp the situation.”
“You may be right.”
“No, I get it," replied Neigh as he glanced around the room, "I understand it all too well!”
“No, I don’t think you do Neigh. So I shall continue,” Filthy Rich cleared his throat and did just that, “Some of those who have continued the chain are Princess Celestia and the resort city of Las Pegasus. Now they’re both doing incredibly well aren't they?”
Neigh Sayer's eyes widened in disbelief, “But….”
“Some of those who have broken the chain,” continued Filthy Rich, “Include Hydia who disappeared in the 1980s and the Poop Sandwich Company. Make the wise choice."
"Oh my," gasped the two advisors who had high hoofed earlier.
"Do you want us to end up like Poop Sandwich Neigh,” asked Filthy Rich.
“They made a product called a Poop Sandwich,” shouted Neigh Sayer, “It was baker's chocolate pudding without the sugar mixed with dill pickles on rye bread with some apparent fake fecal flavoring! It was a horrible idea that only dung beetles might find appealing and they don't carry bits!"
“Maybe if the beetles had jobs and access to an education,” stated .
“They’re bugs Suck Up," shouted Neigh at the white and purple spotted pony, "You don’t cater to bugs!”
“The fact is we’ll never know just how successful they could have been had they not broken the chain now will we,” said Buttkiss as he glared at Neigh Sayer who leaned back in his chair with chagrin plastered to his face.
“This is stupid,” muttered Neigh Sayer in disbelief, “You’ve all gone mental.”
“Stupid.” Filthy Rich glared down his nose at Neigh, “You think it’s stupid?”
“Well sir… you have to admit…”
"He doesn't have to admit anything," interrupted Suck Up who then looked at Filthy Rich and said, "Empty Suit and I will do whatever you want sir!"
"Oh for the love of..."
Filthy Rich raised a forehoof and closed his eyes as he shushed the room. For a few seconds he sat stock still before taking a deep breath and exhaling. “I could verbally tear you apart Neigh. I really could.”
“You should sir,” responded Buttkiss, “He’s certainly earned it with his insubordinate…”
Filthy Rich glanced over at Buttkiss who immediately fell silent before looking back at Neigh. “The thing is Neigh, I don't have to. I’m the boss. I call the shots around here.” He looked at the other advisors, “We're all clear on this point correct?”
They murmured yes and Filthy Rich immediately hopped off of his desk and marched around behind it and took a seat in his chair. “Very good,” He said as he pushed his copies of the letter forward, “Well I've decided after careful consideration that I want to follow through on this document and I expect each of you to follow the letter’s instructions to the T regardless of what you think of it. Are we clear Neigh?”
“Yes sir,” replied Neigh dejectedly.
“Excellent.” Filthy Rich looked to Buttkiss, “Now unseal the door and get to work!”
“Absolutely sir,” said Buttkiss as he grabbed his letter and hit the appropriate button again before heading out.
Each advisor took a letter with Neigh Sayer bringing up the rear. Filthy Rich held on to Neigh's copy of the letter and he looked into his advisor's eyes, "I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate your opinion Neigh. It's just that this is too important for us to swim against the current. You understand don't you?"
"Yes sir," said Neigh Sayer as he took the letter and watched as Filthy Rich's gaze drifted to the desk. With letter in hoof Neigh made his way to the office door as he occasionally muttered his barely audible displeasure at the task.
"Neigh," called out Filthy Rich.
Neigh Sayer turned about to as his boss called out his name. He was about to ask what he wanted when he saw something that made his heart skip a beat. Plastered across Filthy Rich's face was the broadest smile he'd ever seen. It literally stretched from ear to ear like a mad Cheshire cat's grin. His eyes bulged slightly from their sockets as the very image of either extreme joy or madness caused Neigh Say to stammer a, "What do you want sir," in return.
“I need you to tell my secretary to get on the horn and call my wife right now. Tell her that it’s important that she join me for lunch today, a very long productive lunch.”
“O-okay,” said Neigh as he backed out of the room and quickly shut the door.
Neigh delivered the message to Filthy Rich’s secretary who nodded. As they spoke a muffled, ‘Woo hoo’ echoed from their employer’s office startling them both. “What was that about,” gasped the secretary.
Neigh Sayer shook his head and sighed, “Business … business that … thankfully is none of ours.”
