Twilight Sparkle and the Curious Organization of the Tin Foil Hat Society
The Membership Application
It was a normal, everyday morning, one filled with birds singing and clouds flying along the sky. It was filled with the normal, everyday sounds of distant chatter and of rustling leaves. A fountain stood in the middle of a circular dirt path, spewing water with just a bit too much pressure, occasionally spraying a poor pony who had decided to just take a normal, everyday stroll. Along this path were a few bushes, a couple flowers, and a wooden bench. It was quite a normal, everyday day.
Though today, on that wooden bench, sat Twilight Sparkle, who was keeping a close eye on those ponies who had decided to take a normal, everyday stroll. She shot a quick glance at them over top of a book she was holding eerily over her face, giving her the appearance of a classic secret agent watching their target. While many didn't notice her gaze, a few had caught her in the act, to which Twilight merely looked back down to the pages propped in front of her face, pretending to read. Given the reputation she had, those around her probably assumed she was reading about inter-spacial physics or alternate timelines and dimensions; in reality, though, it was simply an old journal of hers, filled to the brim with horribly drawn pictures of cats and random markings of an alien gibberish. Boy, did she have them fooled.
She sat there for a long while, one leg crossed over the other, until it had seemed that there was no pony around and no one else deciding to take advantage of the normal day and come trotting down the path. She waited a couple of seconds, just to be absolutely certain, then put down her book on the spot next to her and got up onto her hooves. She made her way quickly over to the fountain, holding up a hoof to somewhat block the spray of the fountain from blinding her vision. It was slightly defective, as she walked just a bit too far and stubbed her hoof upon the stone bricks that made up the fountain's foundation. After cussing out the world, Celestia, and everyone else in a five mile radius, she was ready to get to work.
Recalling what the letter she had received read, she tapped a specific brick, two from the top and three to the left from the one with a dried piece of gum on it, exactly 57 times. After a few seconds, a small click was heard as a small hole formed in the brick, revealing a small, red button. She took one more quick moment to check her isolation and then pushed the button in with an audible, and slightly startling, "pop." Twilight raised an eyebrow at the strange sound, but the feeling of confusion went away as she felt the ground below her start to shift as the rest of the ground around her appeared to rise up towards the sky. She blinked as particles of gravel entered her eye, and coughed as the shifting caused dirt clouds to surround her.
This downward descent continued for a very short moment before the ground stopped at a large, open room. Taking a look up, Twilight realized that the gap between the top of the room and the top of the ground was very small. Metal walkways wound around everywhere, Twilight barely being able to see which were connected to which. A few ponies lingered along a couple of these paths, but none payed her any attention. One of these walkways came up to the small square of gravel that Twilight was standing upon, and she made her way down this bridge, the cool metal stinging her hooves. The path came to a bigger area, where several of these metal paths came together and connected. Looking along the paths revealed that each led to a door on one of the walls, the only connection to that door being that specific walkway. It seemed kind of fickle, Twilight admitted, but she didn't question it much.
She looked along all of the doors available to her, trying to decide which one she should proceed towards. While it didn't necessarily take her long, Twilight did have a hard time not being distracted by the various doors that confused and stumbled her, such as the door with the title "Circular Refinement," or the one that merely brandished the picture of an oversized avocado. She granted herself the final consensus of the door labeled with "Application Center," and continued up the spiraling, corkscrew-like path up to the door.
Going inside the door presented Twilight with a hallway, one that inhabited a few doors. Twilight started to get a little annoyed by the lack of any distinct knowledge of where she was supposed to go, but she pushed the anger out of her head and instead decided to continue down the hallway, hoping something would show her where to go. She continued down the hallway, hoping something would strike her as to where to go.
Twilight walked for some time, passing a couple of doors. After she passed a door with a white circle on it, she got startled by another voice whispering from behind her, causing her ears to perk up. "Hey," the voice said, "you here to sign up or what?"
Twilight whipped around to see a pony, tan of coat and black of mane, adorning a roughly made, dome-like tin foil hat, poking his head out of the doorway. "Uh, y-yeah, I guess."
The stallion on the other side of the door looked around quickly, despite the fact that they were completely alone, and then opened the door, a squeak filling the hallway. Twilight entered into a mostly shadowed and dark room, the only exceptions being two wooden chairs who were lit up by unseen spotlights from above. The stallion took a seat in the one furthest from the door and motioned for Twilight to sit in the other one. She did so and the room was silent for a few moments, both staring at each other in an awkward staring match, until the sound of the door slamming shut and the stallion speaking broke the silence.
"How're you, princess?" Twilight smiled at the kind gesture despite the mood that the rest of this interview was giving off thus far, with it's darkness and weird rooms and an interrogation-like ambiance.
"Good, thanks."
"Great." The stallion kept an emotionless face and proceeded to lean to his right, reaching his hoof down as a zipper was heard. The stallion came back up with two sheets of tin foil, each one written on front and back with a permanent marker, a few smudges evident even in the low-light situation. "First of all, thanks for meeting me here in this secret base, approximately 513 millimeters below the surface, to discuss your application. We have to take every step possible to ensure our security."
Twilight raised an eyebrow at this remark. "513 millimeters? That's not very-"
"-These are the two parts of the application," the stallion retorted, ignoring her confusion. "I will ask you the questions and at the end of each part I will look over your answers to see how many you got correct. They're all multiple choice."
"Seems simple." Twilight shifted in her chair, getting comfortable.
"Would you like to see what you will receive upon acceptance into the society, or shall we go over those things once you get there?"
Twilight thought for a moment, a little pleased that there would be a reward for her coming here on such short notice. She had only received the letter this morning and was it luckily on one of the days where she had nothing scheduled. If it were tomorrow, it would've gotten in the way of her newly adopted golf practice. Yesterday, it would've been her tea time. No one interrupts her tea time. "Now, please," she stated.
The stallion gave a small nod to the mare, reaching back over into the bag and coming up with a sheet of tin foil, much like the ones that were being used for the questions of the application. "If you are accepted, you will receive this," the stallion lifted the sheet of foil, the spotlight shooting beams of light off of it, "a sheet of high grade, certified tin foil. Not enough for your own hat, mind you, but you could probably wrap your crown in it or your favorite quill, something like that."
Twilight imagined her crown upon her head, wrapped in a layer of tin foil. She giggled a little, catching herself as she saw the serious face of her interviewer look over at her. She cleared her throat and waited for the stallion to pull out the next item. He produced a smaller sheet of tin foil, about a fourth of the size of the other sheet, and flipped it around to reveal an empty square on the left and a few blank lines on the right. "If you pass, this will become your official member card. It will grant you access to any TFHS base of security level two or lower, along with any information of level one or lower." He turned it around and inspected it himself. "I'll have you fill this out yourself at the end and we'll have our official artist make a rendition of you in this square."
Twilight nodded. For being such an unheard of organization, she thought, they were quite sophisticated and adept at their security and their traditions. She, a government official, had not even heard of this "Tin Foil Hat Society" until they sent her the letter this morning. While calling it a "letter" is an overstatement, seeing how it was just a piece of lined paper folded and shoved into her mailbox, the only things written on there being their name and the instructions in red pen, it was probably just a way for them to gain ground. While the membership card was a nice touch, how they checked for its legitimacy, she had no idea, but she thought it fun to entertain the idea that they had some special property to them that only the TFHS could reproduce.
"Next, you will receive," the stallion said, balancing an oddly shaped ball of tin foil on an upturned hoof, "a cookie in one of three different flavors; oatmeal, chocolate, or watermelon."
"Why watermelon?"
The stallion merely shrugged and then leaned down again to put the ball back into his bag. He came back up with nothing. "Your official, premium-grade, five-layer tin foil hat will be sent to your castle in the mail, princess. Would you like it in any specific shape or would you just like to stick with the standard dome?"
Twilight pondered this question for a moment before answering. "Can I get it in the shape of a top hat?" Twilight was going to make sure that she wasn't seen in public with this hat anyways, so why not make it unique? Besides that, it would test their loyalty to its members. While she entertained the idea that this organization was hilarious, with a name that involved tin foil hats, there have been weirder organizations in Equestria, such as the Vonderhaar Initiative or the Untamed Ukuleles Foundation.
The stallion took his turn to raise an eyebrow. "I guess, if that's really what you want..."
Twilight nodded, an innocent smile on her face. The stallion pursed his lips and then took out an extra piece of tinfoil and a black permanent marker to write down Twilight's specifications. "Alright then."
Twilight raised her hoof to get the stallion's attention. "What're the five layers for? Does one layer not suffice?"
The interviewer rolled his eyes, obviously slightly annoyed that Twilight was asking so many extra questions so early and that her knowledge of this sort of stuff was lacking. "Each layer grants protection against a different organization. The first five protect you from the argonians, the heterosexuals, the-"
"-So," Twilight interrupted in her confusion, "you're saying that approximately 85% of the world's population is against us?"
The stallion stayed silent for a few moments. "Actually about 87.649%, but yes. The three other layers of the hat," the pony continued, not eager to let her blurt out another question, "protect you against the Neighmen, the humans, and the Order of Unorganized Orderly Original Others."
"Uh-huh..." Twilight agreed, most obviously confused but not wanting to annoy her partner further.
"You ready to proceed with the questionnaire, princess?"
"Yes," Twilight said quickly.
The stallion nodded and grabbed the piece of tin foil that was clearly marked with the title "TFHS Official Membership Questionnaire: Part I." He took a quick scan over the questions, flipping it over once, before clearing his throat, looking up at Twilight, and asking, "To your knowledge, are you working under or for any nefarious organization? A: yes, B: no, or C: you don't know."
Twilight quickly answered, "no," before questioning herself and replying with, "I don't know." Who knows? She could be working under Discord's rule and not even know about it, or perhaps Celestia is Tirek in disguise. She didn't want to give any false answers.
"Alright," he said, scratching her answer down on the sheet with the marker. "Next question; which group do you feel is out to get you? A: the Mice Men of Henemoth, B: the humans, C: the termites, or D: any other organization."
Twilight was startled by the exclusion of a "none" option, which in turn startled her due to the insane amount of stupidity in the other answers, but she took a look at her options. Does it count if the changelings were after her? "Do changelings count?" Her partner merely nodded. "D."
He made a circle on the page and moved his eyes down. "Were you ever mind controlled? Yes, no, or don't know."
"N-no?"
He made no reaction to her answer besides marking it down on the sheet. "Are you currently being mind controlled? Same three options."
Twilight thought deeply about this one. If she was being mind controlled, then would that be what was giving her the urge to answer "no," or would the one mind controlling her want to say "yes" in order to show that they're powerful enough to mind control a princess? She thought silently for a bit and then answered with a firm, "no."
He yet again marked it down and moved to the next question. "Have you ever been suspected of sneaking illegal contraband to any planet outside our solar system due to the request of a space leopard? Yes, no, don't know."
"Uh, no..."
He nodded and marked down her answer. She started to get ticked by the fact that there was no other sound going on besides the soft scratch of the marker against the foil and of them asking and answering questions, but she remained professional. "Have you ever been abducted by aliens from another dimension?"
"No." Twilight stopped her slight questioning of their questions; it would drive her mad if she truly tried to comprehend their thinking.
Yet again, he scratched some more on the sheet. "Are you aware of any spells that had been cast on you by Celestia or Luna while you were under any sort of anesthesia in order to track you?"
Twilight wanted to laugh, but the eerie and almost sinister mood the whole interview brought about kept her from doing that, along with her strength to keep this meeting professional, despite how silly it might seem. She was a princess, after all, not a draconequus. "I don't know."
"Celestia, as far as you know, is A: a member of the Bit Frizzes, B: not Celestia, C: a horse, D: a pan-sexual, or E: all of the above."
Twilight stayed silent for a mere moment. "C?"
"Hmm," the stallion hummed as he marked her answer down. "Luna is, to your knowledge, A: an immigrant from the land of Yakyakistan, B: Cthulhu himself, C: a mask, or D: none of the above."
Twilight was glad she had convinced herself to stop trying to find a pattern to their possible answers, because this one would have made her flip. "D," she answered.
"You sure?" Twilight nodded, so he wrote down her previous answer. He cleared his throat again. "Last question; which of the Elements of Harmony is secretly working for the king of Yerlein in order to extract a surplus of rare materials in an effort to create a spaceship, which, when completed, will transport the princess Twilight Sparkle to her home base on the far away comet of Garth?" He looked up to see Twilight looking fairly disappointed. "Just answer the question, princess."
Twilight rolled her eyes. Was this some sort of prank invented by Rainbow and Pinkie, or perhaps some weird test set up by Starlight? None of this seemed like it could be legit, but there was no evidence against any of this as well. The letter she received had seemed real, well, as real as a simple piece of paper could be, and this chair and this room felt real... She shook her head to clear her thoughts and said the first name that came to mind. "Fluttershy."
Her interviewer gave out a little chuckle and smiled as he wrote down her answer. "You're the first one to answer that, actually." He giggled again and wiped a tear from his eye. "Fluttershy, ha! Priceless." He finished up with the first sheet and took a quick look over her answers. "Well, it all seems good so far," he said, "you might make a promising member, Twilight."
"Oh, joy." Twilight rolled her eyes.
The stallion marked down a few things on the first sheet of paper and then replaced it with the second one. "If you do well on this one, you'll be accepted and will be able to call yourself a proud member. Are you ready, princess?"
Twilight readjusted herself on the wooden chair, the chair squeaking as if in pain in response. "I suppose so, yes."
The interviewer took no time for a pause and went immediately into the first question. "True or false; the world is, in fact, flat. Now, I understand if you have to take-"
"False," Twilight said without hesitation. While their questions may be stupid and misinformed, this question would not make her question her years of physics studies. "False."
"Huh," he stated as he marked down her answer, almost seeming as if he was surprised by her answer. "Next; the Discord that we see here on our planet is actually just another form of Discord, who is actually living inside of the moon plotting to turn snakes into tennis rackets with the help of the Mountain Hike Studio Production Company."
"What?" Twilight was truly stumped and baffled by this question. "False, that has to be false, that's just ridiculous."
"Of course it is," the stallion agreed in a monotone voice, clearly unenthusiastic by her further questioning of their question, marking down with little grace. "True or false; clothes makers are planting radioactive ingredients within the fabric in an attempt to turn all of the wearers into gorillas."
Twilight blinked a few times. "False?"
He shrugged and marked down her answer again. "We have a tough one here so prepare yourself. True or false," he said, looking up at Twilight, "ponies are for little girls."
Twilight sat there, thinking, or rather, thinking about what exactly that question was asking. She understood the ponies and the little girls, but what did he mean by "they were only for" little girls? Do they mean that only little girls should hang out with other ponies and that everyone else should live in a constant state of isolation and loneliness? Was this question some sort of weird test in which is designed to confuse the interviewee into taking too much time, and that if they didn't give an answer in enough time then they would wrap them in tin foil and cook their body like a baked potato? While that thought was ridiculous, she admitted, she didn't want to take any chance, stupid or not. "True," she blurted out, eager to show them that she couldn't be stumped by their dumb questions.
The stallion stared at her for a moment, confused as to why she clenched up all of a sudden and was sweating so profusely, and then marked down her answer. "True or false; the government is using spells on ants in order to turn them into strong, super-powered warriors for a later advancement upon the Hylians."
"Uh," Twilight said, calming down from her previous tangent, "false."
He nodded quickly and circled her answer. "Alright, this last question is a tricky one, but is a bonus. In twenty words or less, describe the purpose for the government using the robotic counterparts of Celestia and Luna to lead the citizens of Equestria into a false hope that their government is in the hooves of princesses, when it is in fact controlled by the ants that were mentioned in the previous question."
Twilight sighed and put her head into her hooves. "This is so stupid," she said, raising her head to look at the stallion seated before her, "do you really believe any of this?"
The stallion shrugged. "I'm just the interviewer, it doesn't matter what I think."
Twilight slumped back on her chair, pondering the question in the hopes of just getting the stupid interview over with. "It's to test how well a pony who feels safe handles themselves during sudden hard times." She rolled her eyes and watched her interviewer, who just stared back.
"Wait," he asked, "really?"
Twilight gave off a disappointed expression and slowly shook her head from side to side. He nodded, a little embarrassed, and marked down her last answer. He took a look over that sheet, and then another look over the previous part. At the end, the nodded, set both of them down, and reached out a hoof for the princess to take. "Welcome to the Tin Foil Hat Society, Twilight."
She stood up straight in her chair and took his hoof with fake joy. "Thank you so much." He waved his other hoof in a "don't mention it" kind of way and showed his second smile of the interview, perhaps of the day.
His face slumped back into it's normal slightly discontented look. "I'm truly glad to have you aboard. With you joining us, we'll be able to triumph over those nefarious organizations, save the ponies. You'll be quite an asset." He let go of her hoof and reached into the bag beside him, grabbing out the sheet of tin foil and the membership card. He handed them to Twilight. "Go ahead and start to fill in that card."
Twilight looked over the card and grabbed the marker that the stallion in front of her had handed to her. She filled out all of the lines, looking it over once and twice to be sure there were no errors and then smiled with the result. Noticing she was done, he said, "if you hand me that card, I'll get the picture filled out for you." She handed the card and the marker back to the stallion, who placed them back in the bag. "Cookie?" he asked.
She shrugged and answered with, "watermelon?" She was eager to find out how they made the flavor of watermelon work in a cookie. He grabbed a ball of tin foil out and handed it to her. The two shared a final hoofshake, and Twilight made her way back to the platform that would take her back up to the surface, completely and utterly confused as to what just happened.
Author's Note
Two things; I tried out a writings style completely different from mine this story, and I don't know whether to continue it into a multi-chapter story or to keep it as this one-shot. Give me suggestions, if you would like to. Tell me what you think of the writing style as well, please. Thanks.
