Finding Freedom

The cold steel felt good against my neck. All my hairs were on end from the sensation. Odd, I haven't felt anything in the last few years, but now that I'm at the end I can suddenly feel again. Now I'm not paralyzed, but emotions for me are hard to bring up. That's probably why I'm alone.

At this moment I'm holding a knife to my neck. I want to kill myself with guts, not just hang myself. Although pushing the chair over to hang takes guts as well. I planned to cut my jugular and watch the blood flow. Yet, even though I felt no hesitation or fear, I still couldn't do it. Something was telling me to hold on.

Right now you (the reader) are probably thinking that I want to kill myself because life sucks. Well yes it does, but that’s not why I want to off myself. I believe that we all have souls, and when we die, our souls find a new shell to control. Reincarnation is what's called I believe. However, I also believe that with enough will power, we can take control of our "unconscious souls" and do whatever we want. I want to end my own life so I can start my life. The truth of the matter is that I'm bored.

A serious problem I assure you. I am an extremely creative person like most writers. I love to make up new stories and worlds to share with everyone. The problem is that most of the creations are better than what I have, and it makes my life seem pointless. I also see worlds that others create and want to be a part of them too.

I'm somewhat new to the my little pony scene, but once I was introduced I was hooked. Like anything I have ever done, I got into this with full force. I watched the episodes, then I found the fan fiction. So many different worlds created out of just one show. Many wrote about how they themselves got to Equestria. I read these and wish it could happen to me. In fact my life took a straight downhill line since I saw this show.

I had everything set up for me. I was going to college to become an engineer, and after that I would get a job and make lots of money, From there I could retire early and do nothing. I looked at that life, and I turned away from it. Money will never make me happy, and neither will doing nothing. After seeing my little pony and its followers I changed. I saw how happy everything was, and I said "I want that". I wanted to be happy, but I can't be while I'm on earth.

It's like something inside of me woke up. It keeps saying "I'm not taking this shit anymore!". I wish I could believe it. I've stopped going to school, I skip classes, and I rarely study. My life is probably going to suck if I live it much longer. Yesterday though I found some spirit left inside me. I won't deal with this life any longer. I'm going to die and set out through the universe to find a better place, even if there isn't a universe. I'm bored here and never happy, I once knew a guy who said "if you're not happy here, then go". He was referring to college, but I think it works here too.

That is why I'm going to kill myself. The knife seemed eager to cut, and my mind had no problem giving the command. I had no fear of death, and even less of the pain. Yet still, I couldn't do it. Everything was ready, down to the tape that covered my mouth so that I couldn't scream and alert the neighbors. The knife refused to move. After a few minutes I gave up and flipped the knife closed (Did I mention it was a butterfly knife?). I tore the tape off and flinched at the sting.

In a few weeks this semester of college will be over, and I'm going to drop out. over the next semester I'm going to train. Then during the summer I'm off to basic training. From there I will fight until I die, or am too old to continue fighting. I had hoped to skip that nonsense, but apparently I lack what it takes to kill myself.

Hopefully I'll die in some accident and will skip it anyway. I have a backup plan though, this isn't the first time I have failed to finish the job, but it will be the last. I walked around my small home grabbing anything that still had value to me.

First my katana, a gift from a friend who is now in the air force with the same lookout on life as I have. Second my necklace, on it are the two symbols I choose to live by. One is a simple thick coin I found on the streets in California. It symbolizes the shell that we all walk in. The second is a simple metal ring, symbolizing the soul that controls the shell. Third, my butterfly knife which was no gift, but I've had it for years. Fourth my ipod, it holds no sentimental value, but it has been through hell and back, and music compliments life. Finally I grabbed my hat, a simple plain black fedora.

These are the things that I care most about in my home, sad huh? My Xbox sits in a corner gathering dust and the TV fairs no better. My computer sits on a desk, worn, but still in perfect condition. I took one last look around the house, and left locking the door. I got into my car and drove away.

First I stopped at a gas station to fill up my tank, wouldn't do to run out of gas. Second I stopped to grab my last dinner. Taco Bell (say what you want, but that food is delicious). After I ordered I pulled up to the second window (They never use the first one). I looked at the window guy with a sad look. He looked sad, but not depressed. At school I see way to many sad faces, makes me wonder why people go in the first place.

He handed me my food (Chicken burrito and mountain dew) and I drove away. I threw the Doritos out the window as I never eat them and drove back home. I pulled in to my garage and closed the door behind me (it’s a manual one, have to actually work to get it down). I didn't turn off the car, but I did turn on some music. Normally I'm a guy of all music, I can get down with anything that has a good beat, but today techno wasn't going to do it.

All sorts of rock played that night ranging from Def Leppard to Manowar, from Alestorm to Priestess, and all sorts of things. I don’t know how far down the playlist I got, but i got pretty far. I know I sung to wenches and mead, and I'm pretty sure that Running wild had an entrance. Regardless as the music played I began to eat, surrounded by the things I had any sentimental value in.