The Battle to End All Battles
On a cool, summer evening, Princess Celestia happily trotted down the hallway towards her younger sister’s bedroom, her hoofsteps echoing throughout the long, narrow room.
It had been a stressful day of ruling over Equestria. From politics to economics to running out of cranberry juice.
Yes, the life of of being a princess was a stressful one. Especially when one's favorite snack isn't in full stock.
Alas, that was no reason for Celestia to slack off—especially when she always had the knowledge that she’d be able to wake up Luna from her slumber each day.
So, with the stealthiness of a tiger, Celestia slowly opened the door and crept silently up to her sister's side.
“Luna! It's time get up and to raise the moon!”
Luna's eyes shot open and her heart nearly burst out of her chest. She frantically looked around her room until she noticed her big sister standing right next to her, holding back laughter.
“Celestia!” Luna got out of her bed and tackled Celestia to the ground. “You inconsiderate-”
“Princesses!”
Luna's rage was replaced with confusion as a guardpony came running down the hallway. His armor was dented and he had a black eye.
“They… they overwhelmed us!” he said as he gasped for air. “Hundreds…” Before he could finish his sentence, he fell face first onto the ground.
Celestia checked for a pulse and let out a sigh of relief. “He’ll be okay,” she said while casting a healing spell on the stallion. “For now… let's go see what exactly the issue is.”
“What about me, your highness?” the guard asked from the ground.
“Go to the infirmary,” Celestia replied warmly. “Then report to Shining Armor.”
The guard nodded and hastily left the duo's sight. “Now, let's get going, Lulu,” Celestia. With that, the two made their way down the hallway.
***
After a bit of walking, the two princesses arrived at the entrance to the throne room.
Or what remained of it.
The once regal room was now a war zone. The floor had small craters in it—as though small bombs had been dropped in aerial bombardments. Several royal guardponies lay injured on the ground with cuts and bruises.
The windows were shattered, and the cool summer breeze blew through the room.
Celestia and Luna ran up to a nearby injured guard. “What happened here!?” they asked in unison.
“They… they came from the walls,” the guard said weakly. “They ambushed us and…” The guard’s eyes widened as he stared at Celestia's throne.
The two looked over at the throne and both gasped.
For sitting on her throne was a cockroach. Around it were dozens upon dozens of heavily armored cockroaches.
She glared at the small insect. Unbeknownst to her, it was very same cockroach that had watched her murder its fellow insect-in-arms several times.
Its eyes, once filled with gluttony and wrath, were now filled with a mixture of malice and satisfaction.
As were Celestia's (well, with the exception the satisfaction part). She grit her teeth and screamed, “Nobody sits on my throne!” Her glowed a vibrant yellow as she fired off a magic beam towards her throne.
The cockroach took to the air and dodged the narrow beam of death, which struck the throne and created a sizeable hole in it.
The insect landed on the ground. Its antenna twitched a bit, much to Celestia and Luna’s confusion.
Their confusion was short-lived, however, as a loud rumble came from the walls, which grew quickly in intensity.
KABOOM!
The throne room walls blew open in dozens of quarter-sized holes, from which hundreds upon hundreds of cockroaches spewed forth. Most donned small military hats, while others were in miniature tanks made of concrete.
From the air, roaches flew around with small aviator goggles, while others had equipped parachutes made up of many pieces of napkins.
“So, I wasn't crazy,” Luna said as she observed a few cockroaches descend slowly from a zeppelin made of napkins. “There were missing napkins!”
“Luna, this is no time confirm suspicions about missing napkins,” Celestia said as she slowly back away from the six-legged horrors (and their military might). “We are in serious trouble!”
Before Luna could retort, the cockroaches all turned their attention towards the princess of the night.
And attacked.
Dozens of pebble-sized napkin pieces shot out from the tanks while the drones on the ground charged at her with their cockroach-sized military helmets.
“Ow!” Luna said as she conjured up a shield in front of herself and backed away from the attacking insects. She ran up to her sister's side and watched as the insect army slowly surrounded them. “Okay, this is really bad.”
“To say the least!” Celestia shrieked. “If those things could take out our guards, imagine what they can do to us!”
Luna rolled her eyes. Her horn lit up before she fired off a powerful beam of magic at dozens of the roaches.
Which did precisely nothing to the menaces of Equus.
“Oh… well, time for Plan B!” Luna took to the air and flew out of the throne room, leaving her sister behind for the cockroaches.
“LUNA!” Celestia took flight after her sister with a look of anger on her face.
Boom! Boom! Boom!
Walls on a sides around Celestia blew open, and cockroaches swarmed out—some now driving around jeeps and hummers with gatling guns atop them.
With napkins for ammunition of course.
Celestia, however, ignored the ever increasing army of cockroaches and continued to chase her sister. She flew back into the hallway they'd come from as she heard the wall blow open behind her.
After a few excruciating long seconds of flying, Celestia finally caught up to Luna back in the latter’s bedroom. “Lulu!” she screamed as she slammed the door shut. “Why in the world did you leave me behind!?”
“Leave you behind?” Luna asked; appalled by the accusation. “I was merely leaving the room as I knew it wasn't safe there! What did you want me to do? Carry you back here!?”
“Well, you could've at least filled me in on what ‘Plan B’ was.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Plan B has always been ‘Run for the hills or we are all going to die’,” she said. “Now, we must go over Plans C through Septillion!”
However, before Celestia could speak, a low rumble came from outside the bedroom and before she could even attempt to barricade the door, the lower portion of it blew away, which created a mouse-sized hole.
Or, in this case, a big enough hole for the insect military to fit double-decker cockroach buses through.
With a scowl on her face, Celestia levitated over a vase. “Luna,”she barked “stand back!” as she hurled the priceless decoration at the insects.
Crash!
The vase slammed onto the ground and crushed several of the insect soldiers.
However, where one fell, five more took its place, as the evil little buggers kept pouring through the hole in the bedroom door.
“Okay, this really, . . . really not good,” Luna said as she backed up towards the wall when a lightbulb went off inside her head. “Celly, I have an incredibly dangerous and potentially life-threatening idea.”
“It can't be any worse than this,” Celestia responded as she flew up towards the ceiling, narrowly escaping a barrage of napkin bullets from several of the hummers gatling guns.
Luna levitated over a glass tank and placed it on her bed. She made a pillow fort and took out her now pet house centipede. She placed a small royal guard helmet onto it and smiled. “Okay, this is probably going to make you absolutely terrified, Celestia,” she said as her horn glowed midnight-blue, “but just trust me on this.”
In a flash, her house centipede had suddenly become two.
Then four.
Then eight
Soon, what was once a single myriapod was now entire bastion.
And they were starving.
Luna took to the air and flew next to her cowering sister. “Look, Celly,” she said as she nuzzled her. “We have hope!”
Celestia slowly opened her eyes and looked down.
To her absolute terror, her sisters room was now little more than a sea of legs and the insect equivalent of abstract art. It was very abstract, but only if you tilted your head just so, which Celestia, of course, did. Anything to get her mind off roaches. It didn't work for long unfortunately.
“By all that is good on Equus!” she screamed in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “What did you do!?”
“I created our own miniature army!” Luna beamed as the two armies clashed below. “We can act as aerial support for them!”
Celestia grabbed her sister's shoulders. “Luna, are you out of your mind!?” she screamed as she shook her wildly. “You specifically said that you wouldn't bring in more than one of your friend's!”
Luna pushed her sister away. “Celestia, you think that the three of us can really take on all of those roaches?” she asked as the hundreds of creepy crawleys fought. No answer appeared forthcoming as Celestia just sat there, so Luna took that for her answer. “Didn’t think so. Now, come on, let's support our creepy friends!” she said as she levitated over a book.
“My diary!” Celestia screamed as Luna dropped it into the battlefield.
THUD!
The diary crushed many of the cockroaches—and a few house centipedes—upon impact. The remainder of the household pests simply climbed over the book that had just crushed several of their comrades as though nothing had happened.
Truly, this war was already having long-term psychological effects.
At least, it was for Celestia.
“That was my diary from when I was a filly…” She sniffled and shed a tear, which fell to the ground and landed on a cockroach—which momentarily stunned it, giving enough time for a house centipede to enjoy its now watery (and salty) snack.
“I'll get you another,” Luna said as she stepped a leg around her big sister. “Besides, perhaps it's best if you let go of the past!”
“My first crush wrote an ‘I love you’ note in there…”
Luna rolled her eyes. “You can't let emotions run rampant at times like this!” she scolded. “Now, come on, we must fight to save our castle!”
Celestia let out a sigh as she watched her sister hurl various priceless items—which ranged from jewelry boxes to pieces of paper containing launch codes.
Celestia's eyes widened as she watched the paper land on top of an exceptionally large roach—which took the piece of paper for food.
“Luna!” she shrieked as she levitated the piece of paper up (despite its current occupant). “Do you know how important this was!?”
“Uhh… was it the address to your coltfriend?”
“No!” Celestia snapped as she tried in vain to conceal her blush. “It was the launch code for our magic bombs!”
Luna cocked her head. “Our what?”
Celestia frowned. “Do you pay attention to intelligence briefings?”
Luna's eyes darted around the room as she bit her lower lip. “Oh, hey!” she said. “Three cockroaches are near your ballerina statue!”
“Luna, this is more important than my statue,” Celestia deadpanned.
CRASH!
Celestia turned her head to see the beloved gift from her mother in dozens of pieces—and scattered around were the corpses of several house centipedes (along with a single, and very unlucky, cockroach).
Luna watched as her sister's face turned red. “You were saying, Celly?” she asked with a slight smirk.
“That was my favorite gift you wretched insects!” Celestia fired off a beam of pure white light at a dresser drawer, which was vaporised in the beam’s all-consuming might.
Naturally, the cockroaches survived. Although, they were momentarily stunned.
Luna stared at the ashes of the drawer; mouth agape. “Feel better, sister?” she asked quietly.
“No,” Celestia replied with a frown as she finally dropped the piece of paper—which had all but been consumed by the cockroach, which let out a rather unhappy hiss as it fell to the ground. “Oh well, nothing super glue can't fix, right?”
“Sure,” Luna said; an unsure look in her face. “Whatever you say sister.”
“Great!” Celestia turned around “Now, where were we with our war on these hideous creatures?” She looked at the ground and raised an eyebrow. “Uh, Lulu?”
“What is it, sister?” Luna asked.
“Why are the cockroaches leaving the room?”
Luna looked down at the ground. To her surprise, the roaches were seemingly retreating out of the bedroom en masse.
“Oh, joy!” Luna said. “My army did it!”
“I, uh, don't think so,” said Celestia. “If anything, they've been rounded up by the roaches.”
“What!?”
“Yeah,” Celestia pointed a hoof at the foot of her sister's bed. “Look.”
Luna glanced down and saw that a handful of roaches were circling around the house centipedes like hawks.
“Release them at one!” Luna shouted as her horn lit up. “Or I shall smite you all!”
“You realize if you do that, you'll vaporize your army, right?” Celestia said. “Not to mention your pet.”
Luna's horn stopped glowing. “Shoot…” She tapped her chin as she thought of a plan.
However, without warning, the room rumbled violently. “What on Equus?” the sisters wondered in unison.
Boom!
Their question was swiftly answered as a zeppelin blew a hole in the wall and made it’s way out of it. The two sisters turned their attention and gasped as they saw what the payload below the zeppelin was.
An atomic bomb.
“RUN!” Celestia screamed as she flew out of the room, over the retreating cockroach army. She flapped her wings and sent several of the creepy crawlers flying in different directions as she neared the doorway.
Luna levitated up her pet—still wearing its helmet—and slipped him into her mane before fleeing the room.
Kaboom!
From within the bedroom—and with the power of a firecracker—the bomb exploded.
Celestia and Luna looked back at the bedroom. Naturally, they were greeted to a barricade of cockroaches. Tanks, zeppelins, ground troops, aerial troops, heavily armored troops—which resembled royal guards—and even medics covered the floor.
Yet, despite the already immense amount that had come from within the bedroom, more kept pouring out; as though they were being cloned by the minute.
“Celestia?” Luna asked quietly as she observed the cockroaches with a look of horror.
“Yes, Lulu?” Celestia replied as she too looked on in horror at the ever growing barricade.
“You thinking what I'm thinking?”
“Run?” Celestia replied as she prepared to continue her tactical advancement in a different direction.
Luna giggled. “Nope.” She conjured up a bowling ball and grinned wickedly. “Let's see if I still have it in me,” she said as she prepared to roll the ball. “And…”
CRUNCH! CRASH!!
Luna scored a clean, easy strike as the ball crushed several cockroaches (not to mention: turned them into cockroach-pancakes).
She turned to her sister and smiled. “Okay, now we can run.”
“Was that really necessary, Lulu?” Celestia asked as she and her sister retreated.
“Yes, it-” before Luna could finish her sentence, a smoke grenade landed in front of her and her sister. “Where did they find this crap!?” she growled as smoke filled the hallway.
“The same place you found a spell to breathe in space,” Celestia replied with a snicker.
“Hey, Uncle Joe's Flea Market had a lot of awesome spell books!” Luna shot back as the smoke slowly began to clear.
“Sure it does.” Celestia fanned away the remaining smoke. She looked around and raised a regal eyebrow. “Weird, nothing seems different.”
As if on cue from the fairy godmother of sick jokes, a loud groaning noise—not unlike the sound of an immense amount of steel slowly collapsing—filled the air. Celestia and Luna watched as the wall near the doorway to the latter's bedroom tore open and revealed something…
Unbelievable, yet equally terrifying.
A cockroach aircraft carrier—complete with insect-sized fighter jets—slowly made its way out one of the holes in the wall. It broke open the wall even more before it slammed down onto the floor and tore it up, slowly advancing by way of cockroach power. And a few small tugboats.
Celestia and Luna both stared; slack-jawed and wide-eyed. Ever so slowly (and as it crushed an innumerable amount of the creepy crawlers), the carrier came to a halt in the middle of the hallway. As it did, the fighter jets took to the skies and began to circle the princesses.
“So, now what?” Celestia asked as she swatted one of the jets out of the sky, which caused it to crash into the wall.
Boom
And explode with the strength of a party favor.
“What if I give my centipede-”
“Do that, and you're not getting dessert for a month!”
“But I promise not to-”
Celestia bonked her sister on the head. “Luna, it didn't work the first time!” she said sternly. “Besides, I have a better idea!”
With a smirk, Celestia summoned a fan and placed it in front of them. “Safe travels!” she said as she turned it on. With a maniacal laugh, she watched as the fighter jets were blown away, and crashed into the wall on the other side.
Luna let out a sigh. “I was going to suggest giving the house centipede two little fans on his cute, little antennas…”
“Oh…” Celestia cleared her throat and glanced around. Immediately, something caught her eye.
A cockroach from one of the crashed jet's. Or, rather, the fact they were on fire.
“Hmm…” Celestia tapped her chin until something inside clicked in her head. “Ah-hah!”
“What is it, sister?” Luna asked; a look of curiosity on her face.
“I have an idea!” answered Celestia. “Come, let's just get to the throne room! It's time to end this!”
“You sure that it's wise to go back there, Celly?” Luna asked hesitantly. “I mean, I'd hazard a guess and say that nearly all of the throne room is now flooded with roaches.”
“I have renewed confidence that we can take back our castle, Lulu!” Celestia beamed. “Besides, I have a flawless plan that will guarantee our victory.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “Care to fill me in on it?” she inquired as several more roaches appeared out of the walls behind both of them.
“I don't want to ruin the surprise,” Celestia said as she summoned two boulders behind her and her sister, which crushed the roaches. “Now, let's go. For Equestria!”
Luna nodded and, with opposite amounts of certainty filling their minds, they made their way towards the throne room.
***
Celestia kicked open the door to the throne room. Sure enough, every inch of the floor was filled covered in cockroaches. Some as small as thumbtacks, while others were traveling as baby carrots.
The curtains had been turned into a rope, which lead up to where the shattered window was.
“Perfect, the guard aren't here,” Celestia said as she took an aggressive stance. “Luna. Stand far back—and keep your centipede friend farther away.”
Luna took a several steps back and rested her pet behind a column as she watched her sister's horn glow an unusually vibrant orange. Slowly, she felt the air around her grow thick and humid.
Then, in the blink of an eye, the sea of roaches turned into a sea of flames.
Luna watched in awe as the the roaches, their military artillery and vehicles, were reduced to ash and charred remnants of their former selves.
“Where did you learn such a spell?” inquired Luna as she shakily walked towards her sister, who had a look of satisfaction.
Celestia smirked at the question. “I tried to use magic to set off multiple fireworks at once,” she said. “Though, let's just say that the first time I tried it, I ruined part of Tunguscolt.”
Luna remained silent for few seconds before she gave up on trying to think of a response, and merely nodded.
“That's what my ex-coltfriend said,” Celestia said. “And mom… and dad… and grandma… and-”
Luna slapped her sister upside the head. “Sister, while you were busy babbling, the cockroach on your throne has called reinforcements!” She turned her head to see another attack helicopter move slowly out of a previously made hole in the wall and take its position over several mortars.
“Oh, uh, sorry,” Celestia said sheepishly. “Didn't mean to get carried away.” She turned her attention to the army and grinned wickedly. “Luna, you handle the army. I'll handle the false-king!”
“Wait, why am I handling-” Before Luna could finish her sentence, Celestia pushed her sister forward, which got the attention of the roaches.
Every. Single. One.
“CELESTIA! YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS HEINOUS ACT!”
However, Luna's threat fell on deaf ears.
At least, deaf pony ears.
In the case of the cockroaches, they heard each and every word.
Mainly because they surrounded her to the point that they were actively climbing her, like a hiker would climb a mountain.
“Get off of me!” Luna screamed as she attempted to shake her insect-hikers off of one of her legs. “NOW!” She took to the air and...
THUD! CRUNCH!
Was forced back down by her sister's magic a second later.
“Luna, you're not getting away from being a distraction,” Celestia said with a smirk. With that, she turned her attention to the false-king. “You…” She glared angrily at the cockroach—which glared back (though its glare was too small for Celestia to notice, not to mention she wouldn't have cared even if she knew).
Without warning, the roach took to the air and flew towards Celestia, who narrowly dodged the deadly attack.
However, she wasn't quick enough to dodge the cockroach’s second attack.
It turned to its right and flew onto her muzzle.
“EEK!” Celestia frantically swiped at her muzzle as the cockroach happily nestled itself in the fur on her muzzle.
Until it was (eventually) thrown off by the princess's hoof.
The cockroach wildly flapped its wings as it fell to the ground. Eventually, it leveled out and landed safely on the ground. It looked back up to see Celestia, who'd finally calmed down after conjuring up a broadsword.
Damn cheater…
WHAM!
The sword slammed onto the ground and cleanly sliced the cockroach in two.
Well, as cleanly as a sliced-in-two cockroach could be in a war-torn throne room.
Celestia threw aside the broadsword and fell to her haunches as she heard the other roaches retreat back into the walls. “It's done…”
Luna ran up to her sister's side and slapped upside the head before she hugged her. “Yes, it is,” she said with a smile. “Although, now we've got to repair most of the castle.”
Celestia let out a sigh and rubbed her head. “Indeed.”
“And explain to the families of the wounded guards what happened to their loved ones.”
“Okay, I get it, Luna.”
“And get rid of the cockroaches that fled back into the walls.”
“Okay, you're not getting dessert tonight.”
***
However, behind a column, and with hatred in its eyes-
Chomp!
Was once a cockroach. That is, until a certain house centipede finally reached it.
Thankfully, there was nothing behind that house centipede—with the exception of more of the war-torn throne room.
Well, that and a Hornet.
Author's Note
Y'know, I wonder how Twilight is...
