All I Want

by TheEveryDaySparkle

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad
Length: 987

Celestia's Thoughts on her position as princess

Celestia has everything she could ever want. She's a princess, she has guards to protect her, subjects that worship her, a loving sister. A loving sister. A 'really' loving sister, and she lives in the lap of luxury with servants to follow her every command. But is it what she really wants? Don't get her wrong, she loves her people, but does she really deserve it all?

(told from celestia's pov)

Published 2016-12-21 01:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-21 01:20:01 UTC

Is Love

"I...am a princess. With that title comes many responsibilities. I must carry the burden of these responsibilities proudly and never show my pain, for I have subjects to protect and guide, and I cannot let them see me falter.

"The pain I carry is not physical, nor is it emotional. It is simply...a longing, that I continue to feel to this day.

"I appreciate all that I have. From the guards that protect me to the subjects I lead. I love them all, and they love me. Or at least, I hope they do.

"I am not a tyrant by any means, and I do not wish to harm my people or bring ruin to my nation in any way. But, this longing that I feel, it continues to haunt me, to mock me with its presence. I cannot get rid of it no matter how hard I try. It enters my dreams and gives me nightmares. I see it in the faces of every pony I pass by on the path. But I cannot defeat it.

"And so I bear with it. Day in and day out I ignore my own feelings and allow myself to suffer, both for the safety of my people and for my own.

"I allow myself to feel the pain that I have hidden so well for so long. A pain that was present even before my sister became nightmare moon.

"I allow the shame of my own undeserved position to wash over me. To make me feel small in the eyes of others, and to make me feel as low as the dirt I so unwittingly trample upon.

"This longing is not one of material interest, or one of peace, or even one of love. At least, not yet. This longing is one...of security.

"I want to feel secure in my nation, secure within my own heart.

"Lately I have felt that I am...inferior, or inadequate. I feel that I have not lived up to my title as princess, and that my people have no need of me.

"I feel that they would like to see me gone, or would like to give my place to somepony else. Somepony more qualified. I feel as though I will never truly have a place in their hearts.

"What is one to do when all they can think of every time they see somepony else is that they have failed them, disappointed them or angered them in some way.

"What is one to do when all they see when they look at somepony else is a face that is full of hidden hatred or falsehoods.

"I feel as though I am experiencing the same isolation that I once put my beloved sister through, even in my own kingdom. I feel alone and on my own in the world. I feel as though all have turned against me and I just can't endure it any longer.

"The stares, those fake smiles, that routine, emotionless bowing. It all just hurts so much.

"My sister understands my pain, I am sure. However, I have found myself unwilling to tell her of it every time I lay eyes upon her.

"I love my sister and I want to tell her, to share with her my suffering and sorrow. But I can't, for if I do, I will be admitting to both her and myself, just how much of a failure I really am.

"I cannot tell any of my subjects, for if I do, they will simply tell me that I am not a failure, and while it seems like that would make me feel better, that is exactly the problem I am speaking of now.

"I previously said that I long not for love. However, that is not entirely true. I do long for love, just, not in the sense of a lifelong companion. After all, there are no other immortals in this world besides my sister and Discord, and I cannot ask either of them.

"Asking my sister would be immoral, and asking Discord after his heart has been stolen by the element of kindness would simply be wrong.

"No, I long for the love of my people. Their true love. Not love that is given simply because I am their leader, or because I am royalty, but love that I can feel in both their hearts and their words.

"I want a love that is shared among the best of friends.

"They bow to me, but out of respect and admiration, not love.

"They show me respect because of my authority, and admiration because of my achievements.

"I have worked hard to show them that I deserve such praise, but it is only through my wise demeanor, or my kind words that they acknowledge me as their ruler.

"The only one to get closest to showing me the love I desire is my student, Twilight Sparkle. She is the only one. However, her love is limited by the fact that I was once her teacher, and thus, she continues to call me Princess Celestia instead of simply Celestia, as I have suggested so many times since she became a princess in her own right.

"I long for the day my people can see that I am more than just my crown, That I am a pony as well. One who has needs and desires just like them.

"I long for the day when I can be offered help by not just the elements, but random ponies as well, without all the ceremony and polite speech that comes with it.

"I long for the day my subjects can cheer my name not because I have been placed on a pedestal, but because I am their friend.

"Yes, that is what I desire. Out of everything I have, castle and all. the one thing I desire, all I ever wanted, was a friend.