Chapters 101 Ways to Potentially Kill an Alicorn
“Burned alive,” Twilight decided, scanning the list. Starlight did a double take. Surely Twilight realized the secondary ramifications of setting herself on fire in her own castle, right? It seemed that Twilight noticed the unicorn’s incredulous expression and hastily explained. “Don’t worry. We’re keeping the fire contained so that you three don’t get burned and that it doesn’t destroy any of the books.”
“And just how are you going to set yourself on fire?” Starlight asked dubiously. “We don’t exactly have any matches and last I checked you didn’t know any fire spells.”
Twilight’s answer came by way of pointing one of her forelegs at the small dragon sitting some distance away engrossed in a game with Discord. Starlight’s gaze traveled in the direction her teacher’s hoof pointed.
...And then promptly proceeded to pop out of her head.
“You’re going to have Spike set you on fire?!!?” Starlight screeched. Twilight had to cover her ears while simultaneously making a mental note to research that later. “Did you not consider the potential trauma and years of upsetting therapy he’ll have to go through if you force him to go through with this?”
“I don’t mind, Starlight,” Spike interrupted, having looked up from his game with Discord to watch Starlight scream at Twilight. Before Starlight could get a word in edgewise, Spike continued. “It’s like I told you earlier, I’d be much less willing to do this if our failsafe revival plan didn’t work. Besides, it also helps that Twilight promised me the biggest bowl of gems ever for doing this for her.”
Starlight had forgotten about that. She was also vaguely disturbed by how easily Spike could be bribed to do something. If only she had thought to use that during her scheming days, she might have actually won.
“There’s one last thing I wanted to ask you, Starlight,” Twilight began. Starlight blinked as she watched Twilight use that breathing technique Cadance taught her. The unicorn leaned forward, ready to listen or obey whatever Twilight said. What she didn’t expect was a notebook to appear and float down in front of her. Starlight stared at it in wonder. Was this some manner of journal that held all of Twilight’s notes about her friendship lessons? Was Twilight asking her to carry on her legacy of friendship for future generations in the event that she did not survive this endeavor?
“I need you to document everything that happens during the burning,” Twilight stated simply as the notebook fell unceremoniously to the ground. Starlight barely suppressed a disappointed groan but nodded all the same as she picked up the notebook and snatched up a quill that lay nearby, poised to document every morbid detail - albeit reluctantly.
Once everyone was ready, Twilight fitted herself with a magic inhibitor and a wing binder while Discord covered her hooves in a sticky sap substance that would prevent her from reflexively trying to escape. Once they’d covered all their bases, Spike took a cautious step forward looking between Twilight and the others in askance. Twilight silently nodded, an encouraging smile on her lips as Spike’s lips trembled at what he was about to do.
“Do it, Spike,” she whispered, leaning down toward him as Spike looked up at her with watery eyes. He knew that he said that he wasn’t worried when Starlight mentioned it five minutes previously but if Spike was going to be honest with himself, no amount of failsafe practice runs would ever make Spike entirely comfortable with this whole exercise.
“For me.” He saw that resolute look in her eyes and knew that nothing he said would dissuade her no matter how hard he tried.
Solidifying his resolve, Spike took a deep breath a let loose a burst of fire that landed right at Twilight’s hooves as they immediately caught fire.
Starlight wanted to dispel the flame or at the very least, look away but her body refused to obey as she watched Twilight burn with morbid fascination. All the while, the quill scratched against the pages as she took note of everything: alicorns, as it turned out, happened to be far more flammable than any of the other pony species. Yet despite this Twilight, from what she could see, didn’t seem all that bothered about it. If anything, she looked like she was enjoying it!
“I’m surprised she’s enjoying it,” Discord set his swirly glasses aside. “That fire is burning in an excess of 500 degrees Cantergrade. Or, if you prefer, 932 degrees Marenheit.” The calculator in his claws vanished.
“No way,” Starlight murmured as she watched her teacher burn. “That’s enough to burn down this castle and everything in it; much less a single pony.” It was a good thing Twilight had the foresight to fireproof everything beforehand.
“You don’t think Twilight cast a fireproof spell on herself before stepping onto the stage, do you?” Starlight wondered.
“Nah,” Discord shook his head. “When the three of us built that thing, I designed it such that all spells that were cast prior to walking aboard were dispelled. Plus, once you’re on the stage you can’t use magic. The inhibitor was just added insurance since we don’t know anything about alicorn magic.”
* * *
“Uh… do you think we should put out that fire?” Spike asked fifteen minutes later, staring at Twilight who’d long since reoriented herself into an awkward napping position. “I mean, if Twilight wasn’t going to die from the burns or the smoke inhalation by now, I think it’s pretty safe to say that alicorns are fireproof.”
“That’s probably for the best,” Starlight agreed as she wrote down the last of her notes. “I’ll get the fire extinguisher.” Glad to be done with that strange encounter, Starlight galloped away in search of a fire extinguisher.
“So that was a bust,” Twilight mused as she shook the water out of her mane, wings, and coat. “But still, at least we learned that alicorns are apparently fireproof even though our coats, wings, and manes are incredibly flammable.”
“But it hasn’t left you unscathed either,” Spike pointed out. It was true: while Twilight did ultimately survive her burning, it had badly singed her mane, tail, and coat, and that was to say nothing of the destruction of almost all of her feathers or the burns left on the bare skin.
“That’s alright,” Twilight shrugged. “It’ll grow back with enough time and there’s ointment over on that table that we can use to treat the burns.”
“Wait a moment,” Discord interrupted, dispelling the sap on Twilight’s hooves to let Starlight check the damage while Spike left to grab the ointment in question. “Wasn’t Celestia trapped on the sun when Nightmare Moon returned? So doesn’t that make this whole thing kind of pointless since clearly Celestia was able to survive that encounter?” Not that Discord would admit it aloud but he’d enjoyed watching Twilight burn. The spitting and hissing fire was music to Discord’s ears.
Twilight nodded in agreement but she clarified that she had assumed that Celestia’s immunity to the sun’s heat was because raising the sun and all things related to it happened to be her special talent. Still, it was nice to know that it also applied to her and possibly to the other princesses.
She turned to Starlight to ask what was the next form of death to try on the list.
* * *
“You sure this is a good idea, Twilight?” Starlight asked, staring down at the ground below from her place in one of the larger clouds. She, Spike, and Discord had scouted the area out and the latter two had been kind enough to place pony repelling wards around the area. They didn’t need any news getting out about some misconstrued suicide attempt questioning Twilight’s already questionable sanity.
No, this was all conducted in the name of science.
“Positive, Starlight!” Twilight replied cheerfully as she donned a replica wonderbolts suit Rainbow gifted to her during the previous Hearth’s Warming. “If anything, the fact that my wings are featherless would make flying next to impossible anyway so I don’t really need the wing binder!”
“There is that,” Starlight mumbled under her breath as she looked back at Discord who’d put the finishing touches on the last of their wards to disable Twilight’s magic.
“Twilight, you do realize that we’re going to need you to do multiple jumps, right?” Discord pointed out as Twilight looked up at him. “I can’t guarantee anything from this distance but if you survive, we’d have to keep going higher until you do die.”
“Doesn’t that seem kind of pointless though,” Twilight frowned. “I mean, I can see your reasoning but usually in a pony’s case anyway, they tend to max out their freefall speed in a set amount of time so me falling any higher than that wouldn’t necessarily assure me anything.”
“I know, that’s why I’m putting this nifty little thing on you to clock your speed when you hit the ground,” Discord nodded. “That way Starlight can do the calculations and figure out the fall height needed to get you going at max speed.” He paused while pointedly ignoring Starlight’s glare. “And when you fall, try to make your surface area as small as possible, it’ll get you going much faster.”
Twilight gave him a deadpanned look. What did he take her for? An amateur skydiver? Pfft. Twilight was already well acquainted with basic physics. She didn’t need some chimera to tell her that. Still, at least she could acknowledge that he did have a good point. It was here that she realized a problem with their design setup.
Just how was she going to get back up? She couldn’t just fly back up since her feathers still needed time to grow back. If there was one thing Twilight was almost certain about in this exercise, it was that she wasn’t going to walk away from this unscathed.
Discord, ever the mind reader, had a solution ready. A snap of his chicken talons and out of nowhere was an elevator complete with garish paint and bright neon lights that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Las Pegasus casino.
“Cool,” Spike remarked from his place on Starlight’s back, a pair of binoculars around his neck, presumably to track her as she fell so that they could find her.
“On my mark,” said Discord, a whistle on his lips as Twilight took her place on the edge of cloud platform they’d haphazardly assembled. “3… 2… 1… Go!”
That was all the signal Twilight needed as she jumped off the cloud and plummeted to the ground below. The three watched as Twilight straightened out like a needle.
“How fast is she going Starlight?” Spike asked, peering over her shoulder at the speedometer on Starlight’s neck.
“85 miles per hour and rising,” she read. She looked up at Discord. “Do you think she’d survive such a fall?”
“Probably,” he admitted. “Rainbow Dash can perform a Sonic Rainboom which requires her to fly more than three times the speed with which Twilight is falling. We’d probably need to be going at least five times that level in order to get lethal injuries so I doubt a simple fall would do her in like this.”
“Hmm…” Starlight tapped a hoof to her chin as Twilight arrived on the cloud via Discord’s elevator. A brief once over concluded that Twilight had, much to her surprise, walked away from the fall without an injury. In hindsight, none of them should have been all that surprised. For one, there were several reports of ponies pulling stunts similar to what Twilight had done and survived. For another, Starlight recalled a past lesson of Twilight’s wherein she and her friends pursued Applejack when she failed to return following a rodeo and in particular when Pinkie jumped off a cart, knocking both herself and Rarity out and landing on the ground with only a couple scratches. This led Starlight to believe that a fall no matter how high it was, was simply not going to kill a pony, much less an alicorn.
Twilight suggested they go up a little higher just to cover their bases. “With a thinner atmosphere, I could get more speed.” She explained.
Of course, using Discord’s elevator, ‘a little higher’ happened to be as close to outer space as Discord could manage without leaving the atmosphere.
He didn’t want Twilight to asphyxiate. That one was for later and it was one thing he didn’t like, it was confounding variables.
In any case, Twilight didn’t bother waiting for Discord’s countdown. She opted to simply jump from their elevator as she plummeted to the ground. Discord decided that instead of watching via binoculars as Spike had been doing, they watch her fall from the relative safety of the elevator.
It made note taking much easier for Starlight in any case. She’d learned that Twilight liked to alternate between an expression that could only be described as stone cold resolved or shameless freakouts.
Much like the first dive, Twilight’s landing looked genuinely painful. This one even moreso if the bruises were anything to go by. Nonetheless, Twilight didn’t look much worse than she did by way of being burned alive.
“I think we should scratch astronomic jump from the list now,” Spike concluded as he passed her a healing elixir. He was grateful when neither Discord nor Starlight refuted his claim as he carried their battered and bruised princess back to her castle.
“Electrocution,” Spike read as Twilight nodded. He idly noticed that her feathers and coat had grown back to their former glory. “I dunno Twilight. We’ve all been subject to Rainbow’s thundercloud prank and got shocked that way. Doesn’t that kind of negate the purpose of this method?”
“Ah but that’s just it,” Twilight refuted. “As it turns out, the cloud factory makes different types of thunderclouds depending on the type of storm that’s needed. For light drizzles mild rain storms, Rainbow’s clouds work just fine but for a heavier storm, we tend to rely on stronger clouds for greater output.”
“And they produce a more powerful burst of lightning,” Starlight added helpfully as she and Discord finished up testing the last of their commandeered thunderclouds. “So we can just try each and see which, if any, produce potentially lethal results.”
“Sounds like a good idea to me,” said Twilight brightly as she turned to stare at the clouds curiously while Starlight fitted her with a gauge to read how much electricity was circulating through her body when she was struck by lightning. At first glance, no one would have been able to tell the difference between the five different cloud types they’d managed to snag from the factory. However, if one looked closely at the clouds, they would notice a faintly colored switch barely concealed on the topside. This switch was used to trigger the lightning and thunder that was often associated with thunderstorms.
Plus pegasi liked to sleep on clouds and switch provided insurance that it wouldn’t rain on anybody below them.
“Well,” said Twilight, looking from one collaborator to the next as she stood under their weakest storm cloud. “I’m ready when you are.”
Discord didn’t need to be told twice. Starlight and Spike watched as Discord flicked the switch on and let the sparks fly.
Twilight stared up at the sparks that did little more than give a brief sting.
“Is that all?” she asked. Discord frowned as he pounded on the cloud and was rewarded with a great deal of sputtering and a couple more sparks.
“Looks like it,” he shrugged. With a snap of his fingers, the cloud exploded into a white mist. “Yeah, I think it’s better to just move on to the next one. We’re not going to get anything better than boring sparks out of that thing.”
Twilight looked up at the new cloud above her. She nodded. It looked like a more suitable raincloud with its darker gray colors. Twilight couldn’t quite suppress the shiver that ran down her spine as she spotted faint flashes of light from within the clouds.
Much like before, Discord flipped the switch to shoot down bolts of lightning. Unlike their previous attempt, instead of getting a few measly sparks, they failed to suppress their excitement at seeing live bolts of lightning. Of course, this excitement last for all of three seconds before they remembered why they were doing this and watched and documented everything that they witnessed.
By the time the last bolt had been thrown, Twilight’s body was a charred mess. She’d also reported the pain and the possible nerve damage from the repeated shocks. It was here that a halo of light shone down on Twilight causing her body to glow in its pure white light. This light served to repair her nerves and restoring her movement. Starlight turned to Discord in confusion.
“You did think I’d let our resident Princess of Friendship be permanently wounded by this exercise would you?” Discord asked, wounded by Starlight’s silent accusation. “I never said the failsafe was only for death. Besides, we can’t guarantee the validity of all our other methods if our dear sweet Twilight here is anything less than in perfect health.”
“I suppose that much is true,” Starlight conceded. “I wish you told me about this before we started though.”
“Sorry,” Discord replied unapologetically. “It must have slipped my mind.”
“In any case,” Twilight interrupted, “I think we should move on to the next cloud. How many are left, Starlight?”
“Three.”
“Perfect.”
The next two clouds they tried had Twilight reporting an increasingly more painful and nerve damaging experience. They were almost certain that her previous electrocution had given her brain damage. Were it not for Discord’s revival system, there was little doubt in anybody’s mind that Twilight would have been wheelchair confined for the rest of her life.
Twilight found herself enjoying this far less than being set on fire or jumping off a cloud. She smiled appreciatively at Starlight and Spike as they administered the ointment on her now burned coat.
And it had just finished growing back, too, Twilight lamented sadly as she reluctantly took her place beneath the final cloud. Discord had previously informed them this one was actually intended specifically for the rare high intensity lightning storms. Needless to say, Twilight wasn’t looking forward to it as a large arc of electricity shot down at her, making direct contact with her horn.
The next thing Twilight felt was pain. It hurt so badly that simply the word pain wouldn’t do the pain that she felt justice. She wouldn’t wish this sort of pain on anybody. Except for Tirek, maybe. He did destroy her old home after all.
In any case, Twilight felt her world go blurry as she felt her heart thump frantically in her chest in what would ultimately be a vain effort to keep her alive. The last thing she could hear was Starlight rushing toward her side to check on her.
“It looks like we have a winner!” Discord announced, a stethoscope pressed to Twilight’s chest where he couldn’t hear a beating heart. “I’m impressed that she managed to survive this long.”
Before either Spike or Starlight could get a word in edgewise, the same halo of light shone down on their beloved princess. Unlike with her nerve injuries, this time they spotted the silhouette of a creature that could really only be described as an angel came down and kissed Twilight’s cheeks. From here, a more powerful burst of light shone down, blinding them all. When the light settled, they saw the previous deceased pony back on her hooves, coat glimmering, mane shining and eyes glowing brightly as she grinned at them while she passed her gauge to Starlight to read.
It was the best they’d seen the mare since they’d started this whole exercise.
“I think we’ve found our first lead.” Starlight blinked before shaking her head while staring at her teacher fondly. Only Twilight could be excited about research data after coming back from the dead.
“I never would have guessed that sufficient electrocution would be enough to kill an alicorn,” Starlight observed as she and Discord watched Spike fuss over the purple princess.
“It makes sense,” Discord couldn’t help but shudder at the thought of things making sense . “I mean, alicorns have hearts so it stands to reason that making their hearts stop would almost certainly kill them as is the case with any other creature.”
Starlight turned to stare up at him skeptically. “Even you?”
Discord paused to consider this before shrugging. “Maybe, but my heart tends to work a little differently than a pony’s.”
“So what’s next on the list of methods to try?” Twilight asked once everyone had enough time to get over the fact that Twilight had actually come back from the dead. Spike, Discord, and Twilight were less surprised by their failsafe as they’d already tested it but that still didn’t shake the worry that it wouldn’t work when it mattered. For now it seems those fears had been put to rest.
Starlight, on the other hand, had been blindsided by the revelation. It had been nothing short of a miracle that Twilight survived jumping from near outer space levels and being set on fire. She’d been told about their failsafe in case Twilight actually died more than a few times but she’d never taken them seriously.
Now that she’d seen it for herself, Starlight found herself breathing easier. She liked and admired her teacher a lot and would have been deeply hurt that it was her fault that she’d never see the mare again.
“Um…” Starlight picked up the discarded list Spike had dropped when Twilight had been brought back to life. “Looks like drowning’s the next one.” In truth, they’d been picking methods entirely at random rather than the alphabetical order Twilight insisted on when they’d compile their list. Still, Twilight didn’t need to know that and she didn’t seem to notice or didn’t call them out on it.
It was probably the near death experiences.
“In the interests of not flooding the castle,” Twilight started, staring around at her precious books. “I know a better place for us to try drowning.” Before any of them could so much as voice a question, Twilight’s magic had already pulled them into a mass teleport.
The first thing they noticed was the sun’s blinding light and the sand beneath their legs. Starlight couldn’t help but take a double take. They were at a beach. Last time Starlight checked, there weren’t any beaches anywhere near Ponyville. That must mean that Twilight was able to teleport all the way across Equestria.
And to think that when I fought her, she was holding back... Starlight shook her head.
Still, Starlight would have loved nothing more than to spend the rest of the day here alternating between the warm white sand and the crystal blue water nearby. It also helped that there were only a few other beach goers around today. They could have had the beach to themselves. All Twilight would have had to do was use her princess powers to get the others to leave but if there was one thing she knew about her teacher, it was that she didn’t like exercising her power as a princess.
Seeming to read Starlight’s mind, her teacher turned to grin at her, a promise to return here at a future date.
As Twilight turned to gaze at the sea, Starlight shook her head from its perch in the clouds. They had important work to do after all.
As it turned out, the trip out into the deeper waters didn’t take long at all. All they had needed to do was make sure Twilight was all set up to take the plunge. On the upside, at least she wasn’t taking the plunge alone this time. In this instance, Starlight would be taking the plunge alongside her teacher. Like her teacher, Starlight would also be bogged down with equipment. Unlike her teacher, Starlight’s equipment included scuba gear and her notepad for her documentation while Twilight would be weighed down with dead weights, rocks, and a depth gauge to determine the depth at which Twilight would have surely been crushed by the pressure.
If there was one thing she knew about Twilight, the princess valued proper note taking skills and she could help the swell of happiness she felt at Twilight’s approval and relieved smile.
Besides, someone had to go down to recover Twilight’s body in case she died down there and to pull her back up in the event that she survived; Spike was too small and would like be crushed by the water pressure sooner than Twilight would plus he’d been put in charge of managing Starlight’s scuba gear to make sure she didn’t die from the pressure. Discord would be too busy making sure the wards they’d spent the past half hour setting didn’t fail and besides, he didn’t know how to swim.
“I’m ready when you are,” Starlight told her teacher. Twilight only smiled and nodded at her own faithful student before taking the plunge. Spike quickly gave her a nod before she took off after her teacher.
* * *
This place is really pretty, Starlight thought idly as she swam lazily around her teacher, making sure that nothing else got to her before she drowned. I can see why Fluttershy wishes she could breathe underwater.
It was here that Starlight spotted her teacher struggling for air. She could feel the two sides of her brain warring with each other: ignore the instructions and rescue Twilight or obey and let Twilight perish. Starlight didn’t even need to think.
Ignoring instructions, she rushed to Twilight’s side as Twilight stared up her with that warm look that Starlight had come to strive for in both her magic and friendship lessons. It was that look that made getting up every day worth it. Her eyes watered with tears through her goggles as she watched her teacher’s hooves clasp her own as her eyes slowly shut.
The pupil frantically searched for a pulse. Finding none, Starlight frantically rushed to the surface, holding Twilight’s deceased body protectively to herself as Spike and Discord helped the downed princess. They didn’t have to wait long before Twilight was revived. Unfortunately for Twilight at least, she’d had the displeasure of having a large amount of salt water in her mouth and nose.
A sympathetic Spike passed the mare a canteen which she greedily guzzled down while Discord and Starlight watched amused and concerned respectively.
“I think,” she panted after setting the canteen aside, “I can say that I don’t ever want to do that ever again.” She recounted the unpleasant sensation of not breathing as water seemed to rush down her nose and mouth and how she’d put up a fight to even breath much less flail wildly like she had done.
“So drowning is confirmed then?” Spike asked cautiously.
“Yes, Spike. Drowning is definitely a viable way to kill an alicorn,” Twilight replied. She turned to look at her companions. “If it’s all the same to the rest of you, I think I’d like to take a short break before we get on with the next one. I think I’m going to need some manner of therapy after that one.”
Discord had offered to erase the memory from her mind, Twilight had vehemently refused. She wanted to be able to analyze her experience from her own perspective.
After a short break, the four reconvened on the beach.
“What would you like to try next, Twilight?” Spike asked, holding out the list of methods they’d yet to try.
“Well, given that being set on fire was actually an enjoyable experience,” Twilight started. “Let’s give jumping into a volcano a try.” Spike let out a whoop of delight. A volcano was basically a dragon’s luxurious swimming pool.
* * *
“You realize this is a stupid idea, right?” Dragon Lord Ember deadpanned as she watched Princess Twilight stare into the molten lava pit below. “You’re going to get yourselves killed or heavily mutilated at least by doing that.”
“That’s kind of the goal,” Twilight admitted. Ember could only stare at the pony. That resolute look in her eye told her that she was dead serious. Ember could only shake her head. It seemed that her initial assessment about ponies was off. They weren’t just strange.
They were downright crazy!
Ember let out a huff. “If you want to jump, I won’t stop you but do try to be discreet,” she inclined her head to the dragons already relaxing in the pool of lava. “It’s that time of year and we really don’t want to be disturbed.”
With that as her final word, Ember spread her impressive sapphire blue wings took off, leaving the four of them behind in her wake.
* * *
After making sure that they’d given themselves a wide berth from the other dragons, Twilight and Spike carefully stepped into the boiling lava pool.
“I never thought I’d say this,” Twilight began as she flared her wings open and leaned back against the rock with Spike at her side. “But this feels really good. Even better than the hot tubs at the spa.”
Discord frowned as he stared at the lava. Was it really that good? Curious and crazy enough to try, Discord ignored Starlight’s quiet protests before dipping a paw in the boiling hot lava. Similar to Twilight’s current situation, Discord’s paw also caught fire. However, unlike Twilight, Discord’s paw had the misfortune of feeling the pain of watching his paw unceremoniously disintegrate. In any case, it was a simple matter for the draconequus to restore his now disintegrated paw back to normal.
Meanwhile, Starlight watched as Twilight who was now something of a fireball in the pool was racing Spike to see who could do more laps. Outside of Twilight being on fire again, she seemed just fine. If anything, Twilight was far better off jumping into a pool of boiling hot lava than she was being set on fire. It was tough to see through the flames but Starlight could barely make out the purple coat of her teacher.
Could it be that she’s developed a resistance to fire? Starlight wondered as she stared at her teacher as she slowly gained on the young baby dragon. How can that be? Lava isn’t infectious, is it?
Snatching Discord’s discarded glasses and propping them on her own nose, the temperature that Starlight read only served to confuse her more.
Well, I suppose being set on fire already hinted that jumping into a pool of lava would probably be safe for her. Even if it happened to be twice as hot. Starlight was more surprised that her coat and wings were still intact. She stared around at the the resting dragons. Perhaps some passive dragon magic at work here?
This would require further investigation but for now… Starlight blanched as she spotted the pair closing in on pair of nesting dragons. She tried signaling to the pair to turn around. She breathed a sigh of relief when Spike managed to get the message but was dismayed when there was little he could do about it. Twilight was an alicorn literally on fire. There was very little that could stop her now. However, mustering strength that none of them knew Spike possessed, he was able to drag a protesting pony princess back to the rest of the team to discuss what they’d seen.
“It was definitely hotter than when I was set on fire,” Twilight told them as Starlight dutifully scribbled down every word. “But it was weird, while it was definitely hotter, it was less painful or at least less damaging to my coat and wings.” The same could not be said of her mane and tail which was now a charred mess. There was little doubt in their minds that Rarity would have an aneurysm at the sight of it.
“Maybe the fact that the lava was a liquid and cools quickly to a rock might have helped,” Spike proposed. “Plus the fact that it wasn’t so much a sustained burn since the fire was much smaller on you this time, Twi.”
“That’s certainly possible,” Twilight agreed thoughtfully.
“If that’s the case then how come Discord’s paw disintegrated on contact?” Starlight asked, nodding to the newly created paw Discord created in its place.
Twilight shrugged. She couldn’t even begin to fathom how Discord’s powers worked. Her eyes lit up at the new research idea but doubted that Discord would be a compliant test subject. Shaking her head, Twilight led the way out of the volcano as the four made tracks back to Twilight’s castle.
It was agreed by all relevant parties that they would resume work the following day if the sleepy Spike on Starlight’s back was any indication. He at least seemed to be somewhat at peace, if his dream-induced mumblings were anything to go off of.
“What was that you said earlier about ‘soft pony hides’?”
The following day found the quartet in the Frozen North. They’d stopped by the Crystal Empire to check in with Cadance, Shining Armor, and Flurry Heart. Much like themselves, Shining Armor had spent most of the previous day reluctantly hurling spears at his wife. Twilight had been sympathetic as they not only had a foal but they also lacked a failsafe system to rely on in case things went south.
Discord found the whole thing hilarious but taught them the spell needed to revive Cadance in case they happened upon something that did end up killing her.
They’d also learned that Celestia had asked Cadence to perform the exercise with Flurry Heart. This was where the parents, Twilight, and Luna drew the line. Celestia didn’t push the issue. She knew when to stand down: she didn’t like her odds fighting off her niece, her sister, her pupil, and her nephew in law in a fight.
After a quick reunion and explanation of where they were going, Cadance and Shining Armor wished them the best of luck. Cadance, ever the mother hen, warned them to be careful of the unbrum. Even after the siege and Sombra’s reformation, Cadence wasn’t a hundred percent certain that things had been settled with unbrum species.
Twilight had nodded and promised that they would be careful. While all of this was going on, Spike had the pleasure of enjoying the hero worship that came with essentially being the savior of the Crystal Empire. He’d appreciated their generosity particularly when it came to cold weather gear. At least he and the others wouldn’t have to freeze to death alongside Twilight.
“How long do we have to stay here?” Starlight couldn’t help but complain as they sat still in the raging blizzard the Frozen North was infamous for. Ultimately, this question was lost to the screeching winds as they continued their trek through the blizzard. It boggled her mind that they hadn’t reached the coldest part of the region yet. What’s more was how Discord was able to handle the weather without even batting an eye.
Still, at least she didn’t have to roll in the snow like Spike did now that he was covered from head to toe in warm clothing. While she initially found it amusing to watch him roll and occasionally crash into the rare pillar of ice, the act had quickly escalated and it had been decided that she’d carry him via her magic. Him rolling down a hill as a snowball had been the final straw.
“This is about as cold as it’s going to get, Twilight,” Discord warned Twilight as they approached an nondescript part of the frozen north to settle. They could barely see anything past their forelegs and felt the hypothermia setting in already.
Twilight looked down at herself. Her hooves had already started to turn a faint shade of blue and every step she tooked ached. She stared enviously at Spike’s ensemble. What she wouldn’t give to be covered from head to foot in such a garb. At the very least, she was thankful that Discord wasn’t flaunting his powers to her face. It would have made dealing with this all the more difficult with the knowledge that it was all right in front of her.
All in the name of science and all that, Twilight thought dryly. Still, she shouldn’t be getting this tired so early on though.
Still, the cold was awful and she quickly decided that once this was all said and done, there was little anyone could do to persuade her to ever come back here. Nothing short of a large scale disaster could convince her to come back here.
* * *
Actually, maybe this place isn’t too bad. Twilight decided. It had been half an hour later and oddly enough, now that she’d had enough time to get used to the cold, she felt less tired and annoyed about it. It was something she was grateful for since she didn’t want to tarnish her childhood snowball fights with her brother and Cadence when she was a filly.
A cursory glance at her hooves told her that the faint blue color she’d noticed before was all but gone. She’d certainly felt less sleepy than she had before and felt energy comparable to that of Pinkie Pie planning a party. The same could not be said of her assistant and her student who’d taken to huddling together for warmth.
“Should we head back?” Twilight offered. “I’m feeling much better than before so I think it’s pretty safe to say that I’m not going to freeze out here even without my magic or wings.”
“S-Sounds good to me,” Starlight replied through chattering teeth. Spike nodded vigorously in agreement. Discord shrugged. All he’d felt was a breeze.
“Aren’t Princess Cadance and Shining Armor already doing the stabbing?” Starlight asked.
“Nah, my brother’s spearing Cadance,” Twilight replied. “It’s different.”
“How exactly?”
As Twilight and Starlight discussed the intricacies of stabbing versus spearing things, Spike took stock of the array of weapons they’d found lying around Twilight’s castle. As it turned out, they’d not only found various spears but swords, knives, a couples axes, several sets of claws, daggers, and a few scythes.
It seemed the Tree of Harmony was well aware of the mishaps Twilight and her friends got caught up in and wanted to arm them with some manner of weaponry. Unfortunately, the point was moot as Twilight had yet to acquire some manner of guards to protect the castle and its various secrets.
“So who’s gonna stab Twilight?” Spike asked, interrupting the ponies’ conversation. It felt wrong for him to ask such a thing as he caught sight of the two mares staring at him. “I already set her on fire and as happy as I am that you survived that one, Twilight, I have no desire to do it again.”
Twilight nodded sympathetically. She’d seen the emotional turmoil behind Spike’s eyes as he let loose the burst of flame that set her body aflame. She would not put him through that ever again.
“Starlight, could you?” The mare shook her head. She’d already had plenty of dreams where she’d won her clash with Twilight and various futures that came to haunt her as a result. She had no desire to stab the pony who’d had such an impact on her life. However, it seemed Twilight wouldn’t back down. She would have asked Discord but she knew that Fluttershy would find out at their next tea time and things would get unnecessarily complicated.
“Please Starlight, I’m begging you,” Twilight pleaded. “I can’t do it to myself because I don’t think I have the courage to be able to do it myself.”
“But you let others do it to you?” Starlight asked, eyes watering with tears. “It’s like I said before Twilight, you’re a very important pony to me.” She took a steady breath before continuing, “If you really want me to stab you, I’ll do it.”
Twilight smiled. She felt a swell of pride at her student. Not necessarily for agreeing to stab her but the persistence it took to convince her to do it. She didn’t even need to pull her teacher card anymore!
With that, Starlight strapped her teacher down to the stage.
“So where am I supposed to stab you?” Starlight asked, her voice wavering. Twilight silently gestured to the place where she knew her heart to be and nodding to encourage her student.
Starlight took a deep breath and lined up her target before she plunged the knife deep into Twilight’s body. Both expected Twilight to scream and writhe in pain and the weapon Starlight used to be covered in blood.
However, none of that happened.
What happened instead was that the knife passed right through Twilight. Both stared at where the knife was embedded in Twilight’s flesh. Twilight felt no pain. There was no blood to speak of nor was Twilight dead.
“Maybe you should try again?” Twilight offered uncertainly. Starlight nodded reluctantly as she forced the knife into Twilight’s flesh yet again. Much like last time, there was no pain or blood or anything that would have led to Twilight death. Both noticed that the metal blade seemed to phase through Twilight’s body and then dig into cool metal beneath Twilight’s back.
* * *
“You’re not doing any magic to make this happen are you?” Starlight asked suspiciously half an hour later. Twilight quickly shook her head. Her horn still had the inhibitor on and she had put on her wing binders after the multiple falls they’d done the previous day. Plus Discord’s spell was still in effect and any passive alicorn magic was being negated. It seemed that no matter where Starlight struck, the knife simply refused to damage the organs.
“Maybe we should try a different weapon,” Twilight suggested helpfully. Her student nodded and galloped away to grab a different weapon.
* * *
“This is weird,” Starlight concluded another half hour later. She and Twilight had tried several different weapons while noting their effects. The knives just phased through her. The swords and daggers simply refused to pierce Twilight’s body. The claws could only cause a few scratches at best. The most memorable had been the axes. The heads on those things actually came apart as soon as they made contact. Twilight and Starlight actually had to stare at the result for a full minute before it fully sunk it what they’d just done.
“I think it’s safe to say that stabbing is out,” Twilight said once she’d managed to get her laughter under control. Starlight could only nod in agreement. “I think the only reason the orichalcum knife works is because the material has some unknown properties that these things don’t have.”
“It’s probably for the best that we don’t tell other ponies that,” Starlight proposed. Twilight nodded in agreement. She didn’t want to be assassinated.
“Okay Twilight,” Spike said as he rolled in the lunch trolley. “I’ve added the various poisons like you asked me to.” Discord was only half a pace behind him, his arms laden with all manner of poisons if the plan to mix them into her food didn’t pan out.
“That’s great, Spike!” Twilight chirped. Starlight wouldn’t be joining them on the account of her need to see a therapist after the stabbing incident. Or at the very least having a little time to recuperate after what happened. “You did remember to label which food has which poison, right?”
“Yup,” Spike nodded as he gestured to the daisy sandwich levitating in her magic. “That one has hemlock while the hay salad has aconite and I coated your utensils with dried snake venom. Your drink also has a powderized cyanide pill.” Twilight stared at Spike. It was clear that he’d been quite thorough and mentally resolved not to get on her bad side.
“Well,” Twilight began carefully as she raised one sandwich half to her mouth. “To a successful endeavor.” Spike nodded as he watched Twilight bite into the sandwich. She was briefly surprised by the lack of unusual taste before shrugging it off. She was sure the poison would act in a timely manner. It didn’t take long for her to eat the other half before moving on to the salad. Mindful to use the proper utensils, Twilight’s face screwed up in distaste. Why couldn’t they make a tasteless form of aconite? Maybe it was the venom.
In any case, Twilight had only made halfway through the salad before she pushed it away. Her grimace told Spike everything he needed to know. He watched as hemlock went into full effect as Twilight’s forelegs which had been clutching utensils tightly slackened and the utensils fell to the ground with a loud clang. It was not long before she slumped onto her side and fell to the ground.
“Twilight!” Spike was at her side in an instant as he checked her heartbeat. His eyes widened in surprise as he listened to her heart slow down and slowly come to a stop. Spike was certain that he would have started sobbing if the familiar light hadn’t descended down onto them. He felt himself being gently pulled from Twilight’s side as he spotted the familiar angel smile gently at him before kissing Twilight once on each cheek before vanishing.
At that moment, Spike spotted Twilight’s body glowing brightly before the mare slowly opened her eyes and stood up slowly. Before Spike could so much as ask a question, Twilight had found herself vomiting up the remains of what had been her lunch of an hour ago.
“So I guess poison worked then?” Spike asked. Twilight could only offer a slight nod as she pulled the full glass of water toward her. Spike’s eyes widened in horror as he realized just what was in the water.
“Wait, no! That’s traced with cyanide!” But it was too late as he watched Twilight greedily chug down the glass of water. Much like last time, she dropped the glass, breaking it before slumping to the side and passing out.
Discord, still in the room, rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers again. The angel came down again before shooting both parties a condescending glare and kissing Twilight.
The dragon and the draconequus shivered. The angel’s glare bore on them with the force of a thousand devils and they mentally resolved to not annoy her again.
“Blunt force trauma,” Spike deadpanned. “You want to try blunt force trauma, Twilight? You want to try blunt force trauma after that incident with Pinkie’s Pinkie Sense?” Discord and Starlight perked up at the mention of the party pony’s legendary ability.
Seeing the interested looks on Discord and Starlight’s faces, Twilight proceeded to explain. She’d been skeptical of Pinkie’s ability to predict future events via the various twitches and involuntary motions of her body. Twilight had been studying this phenomenon in detail by stalking the pink earth pony and taking note of every instance where the ability was activated.
One such instance was the twitchy tail and the several pieces of furniture that fell on her afterward. It certainly wasn’t one of Twilight’s proudest moments but she learned a lot from it all the same.
Starlight had been fascinated by the phenomenon while Discord made a mental note to investigate this further. Having Pinkie as an accomplice for his mischief would no doubt be a big help.
“She’s already survived an flowerpot, an anvil, a piano, and a fully loaded wagon, I don’t know what more we can add to make it more lethal than it already is,” Spike stated.
Discord looked offended. “It’s like you don’t even know me!” He lamented. “I can already think of several things that could make that setup lethal.” The two ponies and the dragon leaned forward in interest to see what sort of scheme Discord cooked up this time.
“No one said blunt force trauma was limited to things falling on you,” Discord lectured. “Truth be told, that’s one of the most common causes barring sparring injuries and one of the more entertaining ones. That said, there are plenty of other ways to do it. For example,” he conjured a small ball and a dummy. The three watched in morbid fascination as ball flew at the dummy, leaving a sizeable dent in its chest before flying back into Discord’s awaiting paw.
“You could also whack them with a golf club if you felt so inclined,” Discord offered.
“We might as well try all three,” Twilight decided. “If nothing else, I just want to make sure our bases are covered.” Twilight had then gone on to assign each a specific form: Spike would drop things on Twilight’s head, Discord would hurl things at her via his magic, and final Starlight would attempt to whack her repeatedly with a golf club.
“Whenever you’re ready Spike!” Twilight called to the dragon perched several feet above him.
Spike nodded as he started with something small: an ugly plate that Spoiled Rich gave Twilight last Hearth’s Warming. He didn’t expect it to do much but he would take any excuse he could get to break things he didn’t like.
* * *
“Is that everything you have?” Twilight asked once Spike had dropped the large stack of bricks that had been sitting in one of the castle’s rooms.
“Yup!” Spike replied thickly through the plate he’d been eating. Spoiled Rich’s plates may have been ugly but Spike wasn’t about to deny their taste.
“Well, I’ll go see Starlight and Discord and see what they’ve got for me!” Twilight shook her head as Spike belched before loudly wishing her good luck. Twilight shook her head. It didn’t matter if she happened to die, Discord’s spell would bring her back.
Discord suggested that instead of Starlight beating her to death with a golf club, they have a proper duel to the death. The only difference being that Twilight would be armed with a shield while Starlight would have a golf club.
The resulting duel that followed turned out to be a relatively one sided one. Twilight was dreadful with a shield and Starlight had been quick to figure out the many ways to beat someone to death with a golf club. That said, it seemed that blunt force trauma was not a viable method to kill an alicorn. “Though it is very therapeutic.” Starlight remarked, earning a glare from Twilight and the sight of Discord howling.
After both parties recovered, Twilight stood in front of Discord’s cannons. She wasn’t sure what to expect. Discord was something of a wild card when it came to ammunition. Nonetheless, she wasn’t surprised when she saw Royal Guard grade cannonballs flying at her. Needless to say, she didn’t survive that encounter.
Discord didn’t waste a second as he summoned the angel who stared at him before giving a resigned sigh before spotting Twilight and kissing her cheeks. By the time the angel vanished, Twilight was unsteadily back on her hooves.
“I don’t think I want to try any of that other stuff, Discord,” Twilight admitted wearily, gesturing to the various paraphernalia that Discord surely intended to load into his cannon. “It looks more dangerous than the cannonballs and I don’t think that the angel that’s been reviving me appreciates having to do it so frequently.”
“I never I’d see the day where Princess Twilight Sparkle didn’t want to be through in her research,” Discord goaded. Twilight could feel her ire rising. Did Discord just challenge her academic integrity? Her eyes narrowed. She couldn’t allow such a challenge to stand, least of all from Discord.
“Fine,” she grumbled. “But what about the angel who’s been reviving me?”
“You don’t need to worry about that,” Discord waved a paw dismissively. “She likes you so it’ll be fine. She’s just cranky because she was busy with something else when I called for her.”
Twilight could only nod as she stood in front of the firing squad once more. To her surprise, all the other artillery Discord had used either phased right through her or simply bounced off her and embedded themselves into the walls around them.
“Well, I think that settles that, don’t you think?” Twilight asked sweetly. Discord could only nod in shock as Twilight trotted away.
“Twilight,” Spike said slowly as she pointed to the next method she intended to try. “Just how are you going to asphyxiate yourself? I’m not going to do it since I’ve already set you on fire, poisoned you, and dropped stuff on you. Discord got bored after the firing stuff at you and went to spend time with Fluttershy. I’m pretty sure Starlight’s going to need therapy, even though the clubbing didn’t really hurt you.”
Twilight contemplated it for several minutes and came up with two options: hanging herself or going to the moon. The hanging would no doubt be long and painful but it would be easy to pull off on her own. Going to the moon was something she’d dreamed of doing since she was a filly and now that Princess Luna was back, there was little doubt that the Princess of the Night would be willing to help her. Unfortunately, Twilight quickly realized that Luna was already busy with her own list and would be unable to help Twilight with her endeavor.
The only option left for her was to ask Discord to send her to the moon.
So that’s what she did after she tracked him down to Fluttershy’s house. She’d been grateful that Fluttershy was occupied with her animals, leaving the draconequus to his own devices.
“I need you to send me to the moon,” Twilight said urgently. “I promise this’ll be the last one for the week.”
Discord raised an eyebrow, “And why should I send you to the moon? I don’t think little Luna would appreciate anybody trespassing there on her precious moon.”
“I know. That’s why I wrote a letter to her explaining what I was doing. Hopefully she’ll understand where I’m coming from. If she doesn’t… well I’ll figure it out afterward.”
Discord shook his head in amusement before agreement. Before he teleported her, he gave her a self dictating notebook and quill that would document her thoughts. He also told her that the angel had agreed to teleport her back to the castle in the event that she died. The last thing he did before casting the spell was enchant a flower which would teleport her back to her castle in an hour if she happened to survive.
Twilight didn’t get a chance to say anything as she felt the familiar sensation of being teleported before shielding her eyes from the flash of light associated with teleporting.
When she opened them again, Twilight blinked. She was on the moon. Unfortunately, it was this realization that made her realize that there was no air on the moon. She could already feel herself gasping for the glorious blessing that was air. Unfortunately, she would be hard pressed to find such a blessing on the desolate surface that was the moon.
All the same, Twilight knew she had to move quickly if she wanted to gather samples of moon rock to study before the lack of air knocked her out. She snatched up as many rocks as her saddlebags would allow her to carry before she felt the darkness she’d come to associate with death overtake her.
When Twilight woke up, she found herself in the company of Spike and Starlight who were looking at her worriedly.
“I think we’re done with testing methods for this week,” Spike and Starlight had been glad to hear that. It gave them a little time to wrap their heads around just how odd an experience it had been. “Also, add asphyxiation to confirmed list of methods to kill an alicorn.”
Spike only nodded as he and Starlight carried the unconscious alicorn back to her room and dumped her unceremoniously on her bed before wrapping the sheets around her.
“Hopefully the rest of these will be simpler than these,” Starlight lamented to a sympathetic Spike who could only nod along with her.
Author's Note
Thanks reading! If you have suggestions for methods, please leave them in comments. Feedback and constructive criticism is welcome.
101 Ways to Potentially Kill an Alicorn
As it turned out, a week’s worth of upsetting therapy was simply not enough time for Starlight, and to a lesser extent, Spike to move past what happened to Twilight the previous week. Starlight still blamed herself for even posing the question in the first place as it had been responsible for what happened thus far.
At least it hadn’t been messy… yet.
Having watched her teacher forgo her usual dainty trot in favor with a bounce in her skip comparable to a school age foal, Starlight decided that Twilight looked far too excited to test methods to bring about her demise. She found the discovery equal parts disturbing and reassuring. At least her teacher didn’t hold it against her...
At least it hasn’t changed her personality too much, Starlight thought grimly as she bit into her pancake. She knew that it was only a matter of time before they had to resume. Plus, in the time that she and Spike had their therapy sessions, it had apparently turned into something of a race between the four ruling princesses in Equestria.
And Twilight was in last place.
As far as Starlight knew, Twilight probably wouldn’t have let that bother her too much on a normal day. But what Starlight didn’t realize was that Rainbow Dash had rubbed off on Twilight. A lot. Add her neuroticism when it came to getting things done in a timely manner to her desire to impress her teacher and it formed a creature of seemingly unmatched potential for impatience.
But that was neither here nor there. What mattered now was that everything was as fine as it was going to get.
At least now they could get back to the important work of figuring out how to kill an alicorn.
“So now that everyone is here,” she smiled at Spike and Starlight. She knew that Discord already set aside the time to have his little tea date with Fluttershy. “I think it’s high time we get back to work and figure out how I’m going to die next!”
Spike unfurled the long list of methods they’d get to try. It was clear that he’d decided to pointedly ignore her unbridled enthusiasm.
“Sleep deprivation,” he heard Starlight decide over his shoulder. He glanced to see the words close to the bottom of the page. “And I already have a good plan to make it happen.”
As it turned out, Starlight’s setup had been almost as simple as Discord’s failsafe. All they’d needed to do was go to the castle of the two sisters, bring a lot of caffeine, latch a vibrator to Twilight’s neck if she closed her eyes for longer than a minute, and lots of books.
Naturally, Twilight wholeheartedly approved of the setup. There were plenty of unread tomes in the delipidated castle that Twilight had been itching to read. Add to the fact that they weren’t organized or even translated into modern equestrian, and Twilight has just figured out how she was spending her free time outside her princess responsibilities. Starlight and Spike on the other hand, had quickly realized how boring this method happened to be as they watched through a one-way mirror they set up so they could watch Twilight from the comfort of the castle of friendship.
They’d wished they could ask Discord to speed things up.
“Is something wrong Discord?” Fluttershy asked as Discord wiped his nose with a tea cozy. “I hope you aren’t coming down with something.”
Discord grinned at the pegasus. “I wouldn’t worry, Fluttershy. I’m quite fine and in good health.”
I’m not sure I can say the same for Princess Twilight. He thought, wondering idly what demise method they’d decided to try today. Whatever it is, it’s certainly not my problem!
“How has Twilight not lost it yet?” Starlight asked two weeks later as she stared at Twilight’s still perfect complexion. The only telltale sign were the bags under her eyes. She and Spike had alternating shifts watching the mirror. “Why didn’t we realize that we would have to watch her read when we suggested this one?”
“You mean when you suggested this one?” Spike grumbled as he snuggled deeper into his blanket as they camped out in front of the mirror. “I think it had something to do with it not being messy?”
Now it was just a question of who was going to snap first: Twilight or Starlight and Spike.
As it turned out, the unicorn and the dragon were the first to snap. They’d returned to the castle where they found Twilight hunched over a book, an almost demented giggle coming over her. The pair unconsciously took a fearful step back. Twilight had been in there for close to a month by that point, surviving primarily on daisy sandwiches and coffee. There was no telling what she might do in her sleep deprived state.
It didn’t help that her eyes were the baggiest they’d ever been in the time they’d known the purple pony. There was little doubt in anyone’s mind that Twilight looked like a wreck: her mane and tail stuck out in all directions, her coat had long since turned dull, and her wing feathers were bent out of place. It didn’t help that she smelled awful. Rarity would have had a heart attack coupled with an ulcer just looking at Twilight.
Starlight had never been more glad to be wearing a garish yellow hazmat suit as she and Spike removed the vibrator and dragged the now unconscious but still alive princess of friendship back to the castle. The stares they got from the ponies in town had been easily explained. However, their plan for a covert return to the castle had been derailed by a single unicorn.
Rarity.
While Rarity didn’t get a heart attack upon catching sight of Twilight’s disheveled appearance, she did shriek in equal parts shock and horror before dragging them all to the spa. They’d tried to refuse, knowing full well that she’d want to know why her friend looked disheveled, but Rarity was just stubborn as, if not more so than, Applejack and held firm despite their protests.
However, Starlight wasn’t one to give up easily. As Rarity led toward the spa, Starlight came up with a distraction.
“Is that Sapphire Shores over there?” Starlight asked loudly, catching several other ponies’ interest. Rarity, along with the other ponies present, had eagerly rushed off in search of the wayward musician. In the mayhem that followed, Starlight had teleported the three of them back to Twilight’s castle.
Hopefully Rarity would forgive her once this was all over. Or at the very least, forget that it had ever happened.
* * *
Twilight stretched as she entered the throne room the following morning. It was incredible how quickly she’d recovered from her sleep deprivation episode once she’d had a nice hot bath and a comfortable bed could combat the episode of insanity she’d experienced while sitting in that castle by herself. She’d make a mental note to spend more time with her friends once this madness was over.
Maybe she’d take a break once she caught up to the other princesses.
For now, her increasingly faithful student and Equestria’s #1 assistant would have to suffice.
“Good morning!” She chirped then blinked. It seemed Spike and Starlight were not nearly as upbeat as she was. She idly wondered what was bothering them before shrugging. If they wanted her to know, they would tell her.
“Good morning, Twilight,” Discord grinned from his perch on Fluttershy’s throne. “I heard about your little sleep deprivation episode.”
Twilight didn’t look the least bit embarrassed as she replied. “It was heaven there Discord!” She replied eagerly. “All of those books just begging to be read…” Discord snorted when he spotted her drooling at the memory of the ceiling stacks of books during her month long retreat into confinement.
“That’s all well and good,” Discord shook his head in amusement. “But perhaps we should get back to the issue at hoof: your next method of death.”
Twilight spotted the discarded list and picked it up before zeroing in on a single one.
“Superacids.”
* * *
A few hours later found the party of four in Twilight’s secret laboratory. The list had been pretty vague when it came to talking about death by acid so they decided to account for several different factors. First, which acid?
They were obviously going to need some incredibly potent acids and the three experimenters were going to need to be safely equipped before administering the acids of choice.
There was also the method of administration to consider.
Thankfully, Rarity had been there to save the day. As it turned out, the hype for Sapphire Shores had been real and Starlight had inadvertently pointed out the musician in question by pure luck. With Starlight’s advance notice, Rarity had been able to catch the musician and had gotten a large commission from her before she’d been assaulted by her fans. As a result, Rarity had been more than happy to produce three sets of hazmat suits, no questions asked!
“If it weren’t for you, Starlight, I don’t think I would have been able to catch her when I did!” Rarity trilled as she bustled about her shop, collecting her materials.
“I’m glad I was able to help,” Starlight replied carefully as she accepted the package. She felt no need to mention that she had pointed to a pony at random. Besides, who was she to turn down free stuff from a friend?
In any case, armed with three sets of stylish hazmat suits, Starlight, Spike, and Discord went to work preparing the high concentration acids. It was not long before Twilight had been hooked up to a machine to keep track of her body. She was then presented with three glasses, each filled with a different type of acid for her to drink.
“Well,” Twilight smiled nervously as she raised the first beaker to the air while eying her friends carefully for some manner of clue of which acid she’d been consuming. “Just to be clear, no matter what happens, I forbid any of you from contacting poison control.” With that being said, Twilight downed the first beaker of acid.
The effect was almost instantaneous. She could feel the stomach pain come on almost instantly and that was to say nothing of the pain her throat, cutting off her ability to speak or breathe. She’d coughed in what would ultimately be a vain attempt to clear her airways but only succeeded in coughing up small flecks of blood.
It didn’t take long for Twilight to slump onto her side as she curled into a fetal position in a futile attempt to make the pain stop. The tears trailing down her cheeks certainly didn’t help things as she felt her limbs go cold from the rapid drop in blood pressure. She could hear her heart pounding in a desperate attempt to keep her alive.
Unfortunately, it was not enough.
The three watched as the beaker in Twilight’s magic fell the ground and shattered and whatever contents spilled onto the floor.
Pointedly ignoring the shards of glass and the hissing from the acid eating at the floor, Discord teleported the trio back up into the throne room to revive her.
* * *
The angel had no name; she simply was and a single purpose: collect the souls of the dead. She stared at the mirror indicating the death of one Princess Twilight Sparkle. It had been a strange occurrence. She, much like all of the angels, had believed that the princesses were immortal and would henceforth never actually meet them.
The angel had long since filed the information away and carried on with her duties much like her fellow angels. After collecting what few souls had perished in Equestria that day, the angel had the strange experience of meeting the spirit of chaos: Discord. The angel hadn’t particularly cared for the draconequus. He’d wrecked havoc on the angels as much as he had on the ponies but after learning of his reformation and his mostly clean record following it, she’d willing to hear him out.
Plus the opportunity to get one over on Death himself was more than a little tempting if the angel was going to honest with herself. Death was notorious for being the biggest slacker on the team and that was to say nothing of his mischievousness. Needless to say, the angel agreed to what the draconequus proposed. Besides, how many other angels got to meet an alicorn?
It had been something of a long wait before it happened. Truthfully, it had almost been entirely accidental that she’d found the princess at all. She still suspected Discord had pointed the way out to her but didn’t care enough to pursue the matter. Needless to say, she wasn’t disappointed. Princess Twilight had been a very pleasant conversationalist: she’d asked her about herself and her friends.
“Angels don’t have friends,” she had explained simply. It was a fact of life. Still, seeing Princess Twilight being appalled by such a declaration and immediately declaring herself the angel’s first friend made her feel a warm fuzzy feeling in her chest.
Doing as Discord asked, the angel had redirected Twilight back into her body by way of two kisses: one on each cheek. It was an ability angels had when they deemed someone to have died before their time was up to redirect their souls back into their bodies. Most times, they stayed invisible to loved ones but Discord insisted on remaining visible as part of their unspoken agreement.
She only prayed that it didn’t become a recurrent theme.
It didn’t so far and that was something she could be grateful for. Still, on the few instances she’d met the princess, they talked about all sorts of things and the angel while preparing the spell to send her back, found herself enjoying Twilight’s company. It certainly beat the company she usually had to deal with. Plus the feeling of her lips of Twilight’s coat felt nice and the angel doubted she would mind if she had to do it more than a few times.
Moving on…
The angel looked up as she stared at Twilight’s soul from her latest death attempt. Twilight smiled sheepishly while the angel let out a faint snort before moving toward the princess and getting to work.
Duty calls and all that…
* * *
When Twilight regained consciousness, she found herself crowded around by her team. It had taken her a moment to recall what had happened but they had explained that consuming any type of acid would almost certainly kill an alicorn if ingested in high concentrations. They’d then revealed that she’d consumed hydrochloric, hydrofluoric, and hydrobromic acids. They’d told her that all three had essentially the same effect on her anatomy but the hydrofluoric was by far the most potent.
Following that, they’d tried bathing her in the same acids she’d tried to drink. They’d even taken a trip into one of Spike’s comic books to find a large enough container to fit her. After beating the Mane-iac again, they’d managed to secure one of her factories for their tests. As it turned out, even bathing in acid was just as lethal as drinking it since it led to all manner of chemical burns and could damage enough of the internal organs following the burns to be lethal.
Still, seeing the nameless angel float down and revive Twilight with kisses was always a reassuring sight.
“That was definitely unpleasant,” Twilight decided. “That was definitely one of the more painful ways to go.”
“It certainly looked painful,” Starlight added. “We all really wanted to ignore your orders and call poison control but we were all glued to our spots until after the fact…”
“Well, what’s done is done and all we can do now is keep moving forward,” Twilight replied, wrapping a foreleg around her faithful pupil. She turned to Spike, “So what’s the next method on the list?”
“Um…” Spike scanned the list. “What’s gassing?”
Rather than answer Spike’s question directly, Discord teleported them to an underground bunker complete with a large metal door. It was obvious to anyone look at it that the room was completely sealed and the only way out was by the door.
“Gassing was an execution method used prior to the unification of the pony tribes,” Twilight explained. “Ponies on death row were escorted into these chambers and sealed inside. The executioner would then release a valve and the room would quickly fill with a lethal gas that would kill anybody inside in a manner of minutes.”
“It certainly not a pleasant way to go but it certainly sounds quicker than the sleep deprivation one at least,” Starlight offered hesitantly. Twilight nodded in agreement as Discord teleported Starlight and Spike out of the chamber before sealing it shut behind him.
It wasn’t long before she could detect the gas that Discord had decided to use. To her surprise, it didn’t smell near as awful as she’d expected them to be. It was certainly a pleasant surprise after the acid burns.
Still, Twilight had to concede that she was going to die in the dank chamber as she felt the gas make its way into her airways and the symptoms went into effect.
* * *
Discord, Starlight, and Spike watched in morbid fascination as Twilight slowly succumbed to the effects of the gas. As they watched the angel revive Twilight, she’d insisted on trying the full range of gases that the ponies from the pre-unification age used. They’d confirmed that excess cyanide gas even when charmed to smell pleasant was still lethal. From there, they moved onto using carbon monoxide which also led to Twilight’s demise in much the same way, Twilight had told them after the fact.
They felt no need to try depriving Twilight of oxygen. They’d already proved that alicorns couldn’t survive asphyxiation thanks to Twilight’s trip to the moon. They’d been easily been able to counter Luna’s survival by way of her access to her magic as Nightmare Moon and that Luna’s special talent was relevant to the moon. Therefore, the four had concluded that it was unlikely that Luna would have been harmed by her own celestial body.
“There’s not really any need to use chlorine, either.” Starlight observed. “She already drank hydrochloric acid, and the only reason chlorine is lethal is because it forms aych-cee-el.”
“That took less time than I was expecting,” Starlight remarked as they led Twilight out of the chamber.
“It helps that this is one of the faster methods on that list,” Twilight quipped, a small smile on her face as Discord teleported them back to the throne room. She was about to ask what they were going to pick next but the pained grimaces on their faces gave her pause. It was here that she realized that none of them ate anything before they started the acid trials.
“How about we break for lunch and reconvene afterward,” Twilight proposed. An eager chorus of agreement was all she needed to hear as they went their separate ways for lunch.
It was a much happier Starlight Glimmer that made her way back to the throne room following lunch. It had not been fun searching for and setting up that chamber. Thankfully, Discord had managed to acquire the gases they needed for the next round of experimentation. She didn’t think that she could adequately explain why she needed all manner of poison gases for personal use. Ponies in Ponyville were starting warm up to her and she had no desire to lose any of her hard earned progress.
She found herself humming a ditty she’d attributed to Pinkie as she pushed the throne room door open.
“Is possible to die by miscasting a spell?” Spike asked, looking up at Twilight from his list.
“It depends on the spell,” Starlight heard herself answer before she realized it. Spotting the intrigued look on the young dragon’s face, Starlight continued. “Some spells are easy to control like standard levitation since they don’t require the use of a lot of magic to use. Others are more complicated but with practice can become easy to control like teleporting or turning invisible. Finally there are those that simply require an absurdly large magic pool in order to cast like raising the sun or moon and can have dire consequences if miscast.”
Twilight grinned proudly at her pupil, throwing a hoof around her shoulders as she picked up from where she left off. “I wouldn’t rule it out; but like Starlight said, it depends on the spell. If we could find one sufficiently complicated and magic intensive, the risk tends to increase exponentially.”
“So what about a mass or a long distance teleport?” Starlight proposed. “I mean it’s not a difficult spell per se but it is complicated in that you have to stay focused and make sure you don’t leave something behind when you cast it. Plus, you and I already know how to teleport so we could get started right away.
“You’re right, Starlight. So now that leaves us with question of which would you like to try first?”
“If I were doing a mass teleport, I would suggested other ponies but I don’t want them getting caught up in what we’re doing. That said, I propose we go with the next best thing: books.”
Twilight had mixed feelings about this idea. While she loved books and liked to have one nearby wherever she went, she didn’t like the possibility of potentially destroying a source of useful knowledge. She was still a librarian at heart after all and those books were as close as she had to her children prior to hatching Spike’s egg and later Flurry Heart.
Fixing a book would be fairly easy. Fixing a pony… not so much. Twilight had to concede.
Spike and Discord had been given the time off as Twilight and Starlight teleported all around Equestria. As they quickly discovered, a miscast teleport certainly wasn’t going to kill Twilight no matter how hard she tried to mess it up. That wasn’t to say that she got to walk away from that incident unscathed.
She’d been wounded rather badly from the miscast teleport but a liberal use of ointment had been sufficient to heal the wound and the surrounding pain. The wound itself, Starlight later determined, was not deep enough to constitute being lethal.
However, they repeated the trial for consistency’s sake and Starlight’s initial suspicions were confirmed. While a miscast teleport wouldn’t kill Twilight it certainly had the potential to grievously wound her.
This was consistent, as they later tested, with other spells of varying difficulty. However, if the magic was directed toward oneself when miscast, they had found that it had the potential to kill by way of extensive brain damage as they soon found out. Especially if the pony in question happen to force a large portion of their magic into that spell.
She needed to thank the angel for letting slip that little tidbit.
“I think it’s time we headed back,” Starlight decided as she dotted the last period of her notes before depositing the notebook into her saddlebags. Twilight nodded, leaning on Starlight for support as the student teleported the teacher back to her safe haven.
“That’s pretty much everything that happened,” Starlight summarized her Equestria wide teleport trip with Twilight. The mare had been sent to her room to rest up. She’d lost quite a bit of blood from her teleport wounds and they hadn’t yet tested blood loss to be lethal.
That would be the next method on their list.
Once Twilight was fully rested and had rejoined them, Discord laid out his plan for Twilight’s demise by way of blood loss. It was quite a simple plan really. All he was going to do was vanish the blood in Twilight’s body and see what happened.
“I suspect this one will be a high chance of death,” Discord finished. “But on the plus side, I would imagine that given that all your blood will be vanished simultaneously, it won’t a slow way to go.”
“Well…” Twilight considered. “I imagine it won’t be anywhere near as painful as what happened with the miscast teleports. Plus this way, we don’t have to worry about potential infections confounding our results.”
“That’s the spirit,” Discord grinned while patting the white table in front of him. “Shall we get started?”
Twilight knew she shouldn’t panic. She wouldn’t trust just anybody with vanishing all her blood. After all, Discord had been instrumental in rescuing them alongside Starlight, Trixie, and Thorax. She pointedly ignored the fact that the only reason he came was because of Fluttershy.
Besides, she knew that even if she died, she could count on the angel to bring her back. She’d been very clear on that the last time she’d died. At the same time, she liked to think that she’d at least become friends with her angel savior.
All that said, it still creeped her out that her hooves and wings had been cuffed to the table, her magic sealed, and three of her friends hovering over her with an absurdly bright spotlight directly overhead. It didn’t help that they were dressed in the standard white coats and face masks to prevent anything from messing with their data. It also didn’t help that Discord was chuckling in that malevolent way that still somehow made Twilight’s mane stand on end.
She had to breath in that age old technique Cadance had taught her. Once she’d built up her courage she’d said the words.
“Do it.”
That was all the encouragement Discord needed. With a snap of his chicken talons, Twilight could already feel the biting cold that came with lost circulation. It was certainly cold but she wouldn’t necessarily call it painful so to speak. Still, at least Discord hadn’t been lying about it being a quick way to go. Twilight had only been on that table for less than 30 seconds and she could already feel her consciousness fading as she fell yet again into the sweet embrace of death.
“You know as much as I’m starting to enjoy these little get-togethers, I do wish that they would come under happier circumstances,” the angel quipped almost playfully as she cast the preparatory spells needed to send Twilight back. This had been the fifth time that day, Twilight ended up in her presence via blood loss. The angel was almost certain that Twilight could now confirm blood loss as a method of death.
“Is such a thing even possible?” Twilight asked. “I mean we live in different dimensions entirely.”
“And since when has that ever stopped you from helping your friends?” She asked wryly. She shook her head in amusement. This playful bantering thing Twilight was teaching her was fun.
While Twilight stammered about for a suitable answer, the angel cast the final spell and with a swift kiss on the princess's cheeks, Twilight was gone.
* * *
“I think we can confirm blood loss,” Twilight moaned as she sat up on the table. Spike took pity on her and brought a large bucket. They all looked away as she emptied what little was left in her stomach.
“Just as well,” Discord nodded once Twilight had finished. “We were able to get your thoughts on the subject in real time so we kind of figured as much.”
“So what was the point of the other two trials?” Spike asked pointedly.
“Consistency,” he shrugged. “Plus, I won’t get a chance to do anything like this once we’re done so I want to savor every moment of it.” The ensuing smile made everyone else back up a bit.
Twilight decided not to acknowledge Discord using her experiments for his petty revenge schemes. She wasn’t all that surprised. Even though she and Discord had made peace with each other, she could still tell that he was still prickly about the whole thing. Only time would be able to tie up that loose end.
Well that and Fluttershy anyway.
“In any case,” Starlight cut in. “Since blood seems to be becoming something of our theme, I figured we could try death via infected wound: specifically, the Marburg virus which causes convulsions and bleeding of mucous membranes, skin and organs. It has a fatality rate of 90%.”
“That certainly sounds… promising when it comes to diseases…” Twilight said carefully. “The only problem is that it is a rare virus and there hasn’t been a documented case in Equestria in millenia.”
“There hasn’t in Equestria but it’s actually a fairly common condition in Zebrica,” Starlight explained. At the surprised looks on Twilight’s face, Starlight hastened to explain herself. “It came up in a conversation I had with Zecora. It was one of the reasons she mentioned when I asked why she left her home land.”
Surprised that Starlight had learned more about their zebra friend than she had, Twilight needed a minute to recompose itself.
“Well as much as I want to go to Zebrica and learn more, we are on a bit of a time crunch if we want to catch up to the over princesses,” Twilight replied. She didn’t even need to say the word before Discord produce a syringe filled with a fluid that Starlight assumed was filled with the deadly virus.
“We’ll need to keep the castle under quarantine if you’re going to do this, Twilight,” Starlight stated before Twilight could do anything. “I don’t want an outbreak in Ponyville because we weren’t careful enough.”
“We should probably clean up the castle before we get started,” Spike added. “Who knows what other germs could be around.”
The other nodded in agreement. That said, Discord was not one to clean up after himself. He may have been reformed but he wasn’t about to sacrifice his self respect in the name of science.
That’s why he animated several mops armed with buckets of charmed water to do it for him!
Besides, it’s not like he had to pay them for their work. No doubt Fluttershy would have lectured him about bestowing sentience haphazardly. Twilight had certainly tried but had been ignored.
Once the castle had been sufficiently cleaned to Twilight’s critical eye armed with a powerful microscope, they’d proceeded. Twilight found herself bound yet again to the table. She’d already produced a wound via a miscast teleport and they couldn’t help but stare at the blood.
“Hurry up!” Twilight snapped. “These things do heal after all.”
Spike plucked the syringe from Discord’s grip before injecting it into the wound. A wince from Twilight as the needle penetrated was the only indication Spike received before tossing the empty syringe into an open wastebin.
Instead of waiting the days that it would have taken for them to see the symptoms manifest, Discord had saved them that trouble by speeding up time and allowing the virus to move and reproduce throughout Twilight body. It was not long before Twilight was moaning, shivering, and convulsing. That was saying nothing of the blood coming out from her fur coat.
While Discord’s spell had sped up production of the virus, it had also had the effect of speeding up Twilight’s immune system response time. It was not long before the virus was forced into submission and a few hours later, Twilight declared herself a proud survivor of the most deadly virus in the world!
However, they’d quickly realized a couple flaws in their setup. The first being the speeding up time to amplify the viral symptoms as it worked to help Twilight’s immune system as well. The second being the unintended overcharge speeding up Twilight’s immune system gave her to combat the virus.
Thankfully, there was an easy fix: it was simple matter for Discord to purge the antibodies and memory cells of the virus from Twilight’s body. After a second cleaning, they were ready to try again. Only this time, Discord had cast his spell on the syringe’s contents prior to injection so they wouldn't have to worry about Twilight’s overcharged immune response.
Lo and behold, those changes made all the difference. They watched as Twilight slumped back against the table. A quick diagnostic spell - and a test for her pulse - confirmed Twilight’s death. They didn’t need to wait long before the angel they’d become accustomed to seeing come down and revive Twilight.
“So we know it works with the Marburg virus in high concentration,” Starlight noted. “Do you think it works for other viruses?”
“Depends on how the virus operates and what it targets,” Twilight shrugged. “Common viruses aren’t any more likely to kill me than they would anyone else but I’m not necessarily immune to them either. All the princesses have gotten sick plenty of times in our lives so it's not like this anything new.”
“So should we just try the more deadly diseases and go from there?” Spike asked.
“It’s as good of an idea as any,” Twilight shrugged. “I mean, we’d also have to do some research about them and where they’re most dangerous before collecting them.”
“You don’t need to bother with that,” Discord interrupted. “I’ve already got everything you need right here.” A flash of light materialized what looked to be an short booklet of deadly diseases.
Twilight grinned. This would be helpful.
It was several hours later of Twilight being subjected to each of the viruses in turn. As it turned out, alicorns had a more aggressive immune system than any of the other pony species and that was just in the innate immune response. None of the other viruses could even come close to comparing to what the Marburg had done.
Just to make sure that it was Twilight’s immune system and not some external source messing with their data, they’d repeated the experiments several times while making sure to purge the antibodies and memory cells from her body.
The results were in: while Twilight was certainly susceptible to all the same viruses as the rest of ponykind, her immune system was strong enough to ward off and subsequently defeat the viruses. That said, she did experience the same symptoms that everyone else felt albeit to a greater extent because of her more aggressive immune system at least when it came to the fever and chills.
“Okay,” Twilight prompted, waiting for some manner of news.
“So as far as we can tell and with interpretation from the health staff from Ponyville General Hospital,” Starlight started as everyone else gathered around. “Any diseases that could harm any other pony could harm an alicorn.”
Twilight nodded as Starlight continued. “As it turned out, in some cases, it not so much the disease itself that kills you although that severely weakens your body. As it turns out, it was more your body’s immune system’s response or a less dangerous disease that finishes you off.”
“And in the rest of the cases?” Twilight prompted.
“Same reaction as any other pony documented,” Starlight replied simply.
“Well should we move on?” Spike offered in an attempt to break the inexplicable tension in the air.
“Let’s try something different,” Discord suggested, the list in his talons. “Not that I didn’t enjoy watching Twilight drink acid or drain her blood or anything like that but it’s always good to shake things up.” When Twilight didn’t argue, Discord scanned the list and poked a taloned finger at one method entirely at random.
“This one,” he said firmly, letting the others crowd around him to get a better look at the list.
“Starvation,” Twilight read before looking back at Discord. “Seems a little… boring for your tastes doesn’t it? And won’t it take a long time before anything happens?”
“It IS a bit boring but inducing starvation will be easy for someone such as myself and besides, the sooner we finish the set, the sooner I can get to Fluttershy’s,” Discord stated, tapping a finger on his arm impatiently.
“That’s fair,” Twilight conceded. “The sleep deprivation method took a long time because of it plus trying to hide it from my friends was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life.” Starlight didn’t know if she felt offended or impressed by the proclamation. She’d liked to think that she at least gave Twilight a run for her money when they fought each other.
In any case, Starlight and Spike hooked Twilight up to several contraptions to keep track of her health while Discord cast his spell. As it turned out, all it took was a snap of Discord’s fingers as Twilight found herself slumping onto her side. She could feel the familiar hunger pangs she’d spent the vast majority of her life ignoring in favor of reading her books. It didn’t take long for her to feel the pain intensify as she slowly curled into a ball in a vain attempt to quell the pain.
All the while, Starlight, Discord, and Spike watched from a distance alternating between the gauges and Twilight’s moans of pain. While the dragon and the pony had been sorely tempted to at least bring something for Twilight to eat, a pointed look from Discord made them pause. If they interfered now, they’d have to redo the experiment even more times than would have been otherwise needed. And Discord was nothing if not impatient.
“That took much longer than it should have,” Discord observed as they watched the angel come down to revive Twilight yet again. He could see the traces of a smile on the angel’s face as she vanished before Twilight rose to her hooves. “It seems that her large magic reserve depleted itself to keep her alive in lieu of sustenance.”
“So we could also rule out dehydration too right?” Spike asked, looking at the list. “Assuming that her magic works the same way for everything.”
“I’d rather not make that assumption,” Twilight interrupted. “Since most foods tend to be solids while water is a liquid. Magic tends to interact with different states of matter in different ways.”
“We may have already done it, though.” Starlight interjected. “Sometimes foodstuffs have water content, otherwise everything would just be a saltine. Either way…”
“Before we move on to dehydration, I’d like to repeat our starvation tests,” Discord stated. “Consistent data and all that.” He was pleased when Starlight and Spike didn’t try to protest as he cast the spell again. Twilight’s moans were almost music to his ears.
Just because he was friends with Fluttershy and civil with everyone else didn’t mean he wouldn’t take advantage of an opportunity to hurt Twilight if such an opportunity presented itself.
* * *
Much like their testing with starvation, the setup for the dehydration was much the same with a couple of gauges swapped out.
“Ready when you are!” Twilight said thickly through the electrodes strapped to her tongue.
It had been an instantaneous thing: one moment, Twilight felt perfectly normally, the next she felt all the water being drained from her body. It was certainly a much slower transition than the starvation method. Discord explained that the speed he was casting at his fastest without losing control.
“Water is more chaotic after all and tends to be a bit harder to control,” he grinned toothily.
To her surprise, dehydration hadn’t been so much painful as it was uncomfortable. She could hear herself panting like a dog in the desert. It certainly didn’t help that her body felt warmer than it normally did or that her lips felt incredibly chapped. Her passive alicorn magic had been able to provide a modicum of a reprieve but with Discord’s spell still running, even that ran out in due time. She could see the corners of her vision turning dark as she felt unconsciousness reach out and grab her.
“I’d really hoped this wouldn’t become a recurring theme,” she heard the familiar voice of the angel tell her after what felt like the fifth trial of dehydration. “Not that I mind or anything but I don’t want the other angels getting suspicious of me and all that.”
“Well, it’s something my student and I have been wondering for quite some time,” Twilight replied. “And we wanted to make sure we had reliable data.”
“And you saw fit to try it out for yourself?” the angel’s voice was equal parts amused and incredulous as she cast the spell needed to send Twilight back. “You’re a strange pony, Twilight Sparkle.” Twilight couldn’t say anything to that as she shook her head and with help from her student and her assistant, stood up.
“I think we can confirm dehydration,” Twilight stated, shaking her head. “Does anyone mind if I take some time to rest to recharge my magic?” The silence that followed was all the permission Twilight needed as she pulled the last of her magic together for a final teleport to the sweet haven that was her bed.
* * *
"Do we have to try this?" Twilight moaned as she and her compatriots stepped off the train that evening, dressed in tight black spandex. Over this, they wore thick black cloaks. They would need all the help they could get if they wanted to sneak into Canterlot Castle. Why they wanted to do such thing should have been obvious.
They'd wanted to test to see whether Twilight would actually die were she to try to steal Princess Celestia's cake. The Princess of the sun had made the threat plenty of times in jest in the past. Now it was time to actually put it to the test.
As they slipped past the guards. Really, what's the point of having guards if they can't even detect intruders! Twilight had thought incredulously as she led the three conspirators down to the kitchens and their prize.
Much like the rest of the castle, it seemed the kitchens were devoid of the chefs. This suited the four of them quite well as they quickly scattered, quietly searching for Princess Celestia's stash of cake. As it turned out, Princess Celestia wasn't very good at hiding things. Particularly, things that happened to be important to her.
They'd found the three tiered chocolate cake in the castle's icebox. Twilight looked back her compatriots fearfully before looking back at the cake. She wouldn't lie: it looked very tasty and Twilight wouldn't be foolish enough to take a bite if such an opportunity were to make itself present. However, while that opportunity had emerged, the deterrent of potential death by her teacher seemed to be plenty a deterrent to make her pause.
A pointed and impatient look from Discord made her reconsider. While she didn't fear the draconequus, his powers were certainly dangerous and he was known for his creative methods of driving ponies insane.
She sighed. Such was the life a princess she supposed. Nonetheless, she conjured plates, knives, forks, and napkins before cutting herself a slice.
* * *
Princess Celestia shot up that night. She could feel her cake senses tingling. It seemed that someone had saw fit to try to invade her kitchens and steal her cake. Without sparing her regalia a second thought, she galloped out of the room. She wouldn't allow those cakes thieves to try to lay waste to her precious cake again.
Not if she had anything to say about it.
* * *
Twilight was starting to wonder if it was possible to die from the heart disease she was almost certain she'd contracted from the amount of cake she'd eaten thus far. She was already up to her fourth slice when she heard a loud bang.
Wildly turning around, she found herself facing the furious eyes of Princess Celestia.
The two alicorns stared at each other, shocked. Celestia was the first to recover. "Twilight, what are you and your friends doing here?" She noticed that Spike, Starlight Glimmer, and Discord also sat around the table, a slice cake on each of their plates.
"Um... well you see, Princess," Twilight started slowly. She produced the list from a pocket of her cloak. "This list mentioned that stealing your cake could be a potential method for death. We've been testing them, same as you. I remember you mentioned that you would kill anybody who would get in between you and your cake."
Celestia opened her mouth to say something but could not for the life of her figure out what to say. Was this what it felt like to be speechless? To not have any sort of witty comeback to reply with? In lieu of anything meaningful to say, she closed her mouth and took a second look at the scene before her. It seemed that the four had seen fit to lay waste to part of her precious cake. She looked down at her fellow princess who'd since bowed before her while shivering it fright. It didn't help that she refused to look her in the eye.
Celestia sighed.
"Twilight," she murmured, kneeling down while ignoring the pang in her chest at the chocolate frosting. "I was joking when I said I would kill anyone who got between me and my cake. I only said it to show how much I enjoyed eating it." She was pleased to see that Twilight had stopped shaking and had looked up at her in wonder. She continued.
"Besides, I was the element of generosity back when my sister and I wielded the elements of harmony."
"How could I forget," Discord sighed dramatically. "I was your target back then." Celestia pointedly ignored him.
"In any case, I do wish you'd have let me know in advance so that I could have saved my precious cake but alas, what's done is done."
Nonetheless, it still took more coaxing from Celestia, but now Twilight was back on her hooves, still amazed that she hadn't died via Princess Celestia's wrath or the heart disease she was almost certain she'd contracted from eating the cake.
"Well," she smiled, looking around at them all, a smile stretching out on her face. "Since you've seen fit to lay waste to a cake that I've been looking forward to eating." She didn't miss the embarrassed look that crossed Twilight's face. We may as well indulge now."
She teleported her sister in to join them as the six of them waged war on the cake that stood tall, seemingly mocking them. They'd all dug in with ravenous abandon.
* * *
“Anything on that list that you want to try, Twilight?” Spike couldn’t help but ask as they watched Twilight scanning the list the following day. They'd still be recovering from their battle against the three tiered cake that Princess Celestia had kept.
And what a battle it was Spike thought, drooling at the memory of the cake as it hit his taste buds. While it would probably never beat one made of sapphires, Spike had nevertheless enjoyed it immensely.
For the first few seconds, Spike had assumed she was simply mulling over which method of death she wanted to choose. After those ten seconds had passed, he’d quickly realized that they hadn’t exactly organized her list as per her usual instructions of alphabetical and date of origin. He’d half expected her to have an aneurysm about it. A quick glance at her told him that Twilight was more composed than he’d expected given the circumstances.
She’s already died loads of times by now, Spike mused, munching on a bowl of sapphires that happened to be sitting nearby. This is probably a minor inconvenience by comparison.
“Got it,” Twilight decided finally. “This one should be really simple to test: alcohol poisoning.”
“What’s that?” Spike asked.
“Wherein I drink as much alcohol as possible and see whether or not it kills me,” Twilight replied. “After the past few days I’ve had, I definitely need a pick-me up.”
Spike stared before heaving a sigh. “I’ll go get the alcohol then…”
“Ask Starlight and Discord if they’re interested in joining me,” she told him. “Not to the death but just as a drinking partner. It’ll be boring if I have to drink all of it by myself.” Spike shrugged. He was too young to drink but he would do as Twilight asked regardless.
Spike nodded as Twilight let out a breath onto the crystal. He gave her a thumbs up when it a read a big ‘0’ on its gauge. “Well we know that you’re sober Twilight so what we’re going to do now is after every five rounds, we’ll have you blow on the crystal again to see how high your blood alcohol concentration is. We’ll keep doing this until you either die or reach the concentration that would raise red flags for alcohol poisoning in ponies and then check you for symptoms.”
“Sounds good to me,” Twilight nodded as she spotted Starlight and Discord enter the room.
“Spike mentioned you wanted to see us?” Starlight asked. Twilight nodded as she explained what she wanted them to do. Discord had thought the idea of a drinking game to be hilarious if only to see what kind of drunk pony Twilight would end up being and that was to say nothing of the glorious blackmail. Starlight had been more cautious about the whole thing: she was by no means immortal so she’d have to be careful about how much alcohol she drank. Also, she’d never actually drank any before as she’d never thought to keep any in stock while she lived in her old village.
Starlight took a discrete whiff of the alcohol she, Twilight, and Discord were supposed to drink. As far as she could tell, it smelled lovely. She stared as she watched Twilight and Discord raise their glasses, toast to nothing in particular before chugging it down.
She stared at her own glass filled with a bright amber liquid before shrugging. If Discord and Twilight could handle it, surely she could do the same? With that as her last thought, Starlight followed her teacher’s lead as she did the same as her fellow compatriots and downed the contents of her glass.
She immediately regretted it as she felt the liquid burn her throat. That was enough motivation for her to spit out the contents of her glass, coughing all the while. Twilight and Discord who were already up to their second glass didn’t even notice as she silently slinked out of the room. She’d much rather watch the mayhem unfold from afar rather than get caught up in it herself.
* * *
Spike and Starlight watched in morbid fascination as they took notes on everything they’d seen and heard in between the intervals in which they’d forced Twilight to exhale on the crystal to get her blood alcohol content.
“Should we be worried?” Starlight asked. “It’s been well over an hour now and those two have already ploughed through four bottles!”
“The goal is to induce alcohol poisoning so what better way than to drink copious amounts of alcohol?” Spike asked.
“I don’t know,” Starlight replied. “But couldn’t Discord induce alcohol poisoning?”
“Probably,” Spike shrugged. “But I think he said something about wanting to see Twilight make a fool of herself. Plus, Twilight's been waiting for an excuse to try some of those for a while now.”
Starlight didn’t really understand why the draconequus wanted to see an inebriated Twilight make a fool of herself or why Twilight would deny herself the pleasure if she wanted it. Just as she was about to dismiss the whole idea as simple ludicrous, an image came unbidden of her teacher hiccupping as she started sweet talking a bush. Initially, she thought the idea more than a little unsettling, she was forced to concede that such a thing happening in real life would be vaguely amusing.
It was by this point that Discord and Twilight had started wrestling with each other and a loud crash prompted the two sober occupants to pull the two apart. Each had been yelling at the other about some made up offense they’d supposedly committed. Discord had accused Twilight of stealing Fluttershy away from him while Twilight accused Discord of taking away her friends like he had while she was on her book-sort-cation.
It was a very awkward few minutes for the pair to recompose themselves before they could continue.
By the time that Twilight had blown an alcohol concentration high enough to merit red flags for alcohol poisoning, no one was in any position to check for symptoms. Twilight and Discord were already heavily inebriated. Starlight was too preoccupied with keeping them from hurting themselves, each other, or her to cast the relevant spells and Spike didn’t know how to harness his magic to cast the spell.
In light of this incidence, they’d brought in a doctor from Ponyville’s hospital to check for alcohol poisoning in both victims.
“They’ve definitely had a lot to drink,” the doctor observed after conducting several tests and reading the lab results. “But even though their blood alcohol concentration is high enough to warrant the concern, we couldn’t parse out any noticeable symptoms or internal organ damage as a result of the excess alcohol. Incidentally, how did they come to be in this situation?”
“It was a very busy few weeks and they needed something to destress,” Spike lied quickly. “Princess duties and such.”
The doctor raised an eyebrow. “If that’s the case then why is she hooked to several gauges and such?”
“We wanted to make sure that she didn’t drink too much while she de-stressed,” Starlight replied quickly. The doctor stared her dubiously, prompting Starlight to continue. “Twilight’s always been a mare of science and it’s something she’s instilled in me whenever we do something that could be potentially dangerous, hence the gauges.”
“Ah…” the doctor nodded sympathetically. He could only imagine how much work the princess had what with her domestic and foreign policies and such. And that was to say nothing of that cutie map of hers. Still, it did his heart good to see that she was at least being responsible to some extent while she drank.
“Well in any case, if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us,” the doctor gave them each a nod before trotting away.
Starlight and Spike let out a sigh of relief when they heard the door close with a faint snap before turning back to the unconscious Twilight and Discord on the table along with the mess in the room. They’d let out a simultaneous groan as they realized that they would have to be the ones to clean up. It wouldn’t have even been awful were it not for just how much damage had been done in their drunken stupors.
“Why’d it have to be us,” Starlight lamented to a sympathetic Spike as they went to work. As they worked, Spike pointed out a silver lining of this whole experience.
“At least we won’t have painful headaches to wake up to tomorrow morning,” said Spike grimly.
* * *
Spike’s claim was prophetic as Twilight woke up to the most blistering headache she’d ever felt. It was far worse than the ones she often get during her late night study sessions. At least at those, she’d have the welcome presence of a book to help ease her frustration. Now she had nothing but the admittedly comfortable sheets and her large bedroom to keep her company.
She cast a bleary eyed look at her nightstand where she spotted a glass of water and a pill. She downed the pill and the water and immediately felt her headache recede. A warm shower later and Twilight found herself in a much better mood as she trotted into the throne room. Starlight and Spike were already there, waiting for her.
“So what were the results?” she asked. She couldn’t remember much of anything from the previous night’s escapade and she was curious about how it all played out.
“Well…” Spike and Starlight exchanged a glance before deciding to simply weather it together. “You didn’t die or suffer any symptoms as a result of the alcohol poisoning. We even brought in a doctor to help interpret our results and he did a bunch of lab tests multiple times just to confirm it.”
“That’s good,” Twilight sighed as she slumped back in her seat. “I don’t think I ever want to do that again.”
“But don’t you want to hear about Discord’s results?”
Twilight raised a brow. She hadn’t been aware that they’d been keeping track of Discord as well.
Starlight pulled out the draconequus’s results and stared at them for several seconds.
“The doctors had no idea what to make of them.”
Author's Note
As always, thanks for reading and for submitting your suggestions! I'm currently compiling them all into a single list for reference.
101 Ways to Potentially Kill an Alicorn
Author's Note
For those of you who don't already know: I've recently made a blog post listing all methods proposed to kill Twilight. You are more than welcome to post your suggestions here on the story or on that blogpost. As always, enjoy and please provide feedback.
Death Attempts: 21 - 30
“What do you mean they had no idea what to make of them!” Twilight screeched, her eyes wild and incredulous. “Those doctors were the best ones Equestria has!”
“But that’s just it, Twilight!” Starlight snapped back, equally annoyed. “They’ve never conducted tests on a draconequus ! As far as we know, Discord’s one of a kind; both literally and metaphorically!”
“Oh stop it, Starlight,” Discord butted in, “you’re making me blush.” Indeed, a noticeably pink tinge appeared on his cheeks. He looked like the perfect picture of innocence complete with a bright yellow halo on top of his head and angelic themed music. They would have been almost convinced had he not been smirking roguishly at them.
His smirk vanished as he glared at the parchment with his indecipherable results. “Some things aren’t meant to be understood… yet.” With that, his results burst into flames. Twilight couldn’t help but glare at him. He shrugged. They weren’t testing 101 ways to kill a draconequus so why bother keeping it?
“I thought it would be fitting to continue with the next few methods on our list rather than consider whether it’s possible to kill a draconequus via alcohol poisoning,” Discord produced the long piece of parchment and tossed it lazily at them.
“Heart attack sounds like an easy one to induce,” Twilight proposed. “I felt like I was having one when I ate all that cake with Princess Celestia.”
“I think we all felt that way after the third slice,” Spike chimed in, having entered the room with several rolls of parchment. He cast a sidelong look at Discord who pointedly ignored him. He wasn’t interested in finding out whether it was possible for a draconequus to die.
“I think it’s decided then, isn’t it?” Starlight smiled. “Heart attack induced by excess cake consumption?”
“I mean it’s not going to be quite that simple,” Twilight pointed out. “Remember, heart attacks are caused by plaque buildup in the coronary arteries. If we’re going to have me have a heart attack, we need to make sure all the plaque builds up around my heart. Otherwise, it’ll just be prolonging the suffering and I’d rather die quickly than suffer through a slower method.”
Spike then voiced just how they were going to find such a cake that’ll do what Twilight wants. Starlight pointed out that Pinkie’s cakes were very sweet and rich. If anything was going to cause Twilight a heart attack, it would have to be a Pinkie-approved baked good. It was really the only thing that could stand a chance against an alicorn as all five had found out when they’d tackled the cake Pinkie baked for Flurry Heart’s crystalling. It had taken all five of them plus their friends to beat it into submission.
They were also thankful that Pinkie never asked questions when it came to cake. Well, outside of what kind they were looking for. It had been decided that Starlight and Spike would collect the cake while Discord and Twilight would work out a method to make sure the plaque only accumulated in her heart for the quickest possible death.
* * *
Pinkie had welcomed the pair with a bright smile that could power a small country. “I haven’t seen you two in forever! It’s almost like you went into hiding or something!” Her eyes narrowed as she regarded them suspiciously. “You aren’t going into hiding, are you?”
Spike and Starlight suppressed a smile as they shook their heads quickly. They were both grateful she hadn’t the faintest clue as to what they were up to for the past several weeks. She wouldn’t no doubt gone on a murderous rage had she got wind of their plans. Nonetheless, her chipper smile returned as she asked what they needed.
“We just came by to buy a cake,” Spike explained to the ever eager party planner. Her sky blue eyes lit up at the mention of cakes as she rattled off every single cake combination she could think of. Starlight’s eyes lit up at one such mention and whispered conspiratorially in Pinkie’s ear. The pink earth pony grinned and winked at Starlight who nodded and winked back.
“Be back in an hour,” Pinkie waved as Starlight pulled a curious Spike out of the shop.
* * *
Starlight was not disappointed when she and Spike returned an hour later.
The three stared up at the towering behemoth that was to be Twilight’s cake. Equal parts amazed and intimidated, it was certainly bigger than the cake Princess Celestia had shared with them back in Canterlot. Nonetheless, they admired the multi-tiered vanilla ice cream and strawberry frosted cake. Starlight cast a simple spell to prevent it from melting while Spike paid his friend. Following that, she, Spike, and the cake teleported back to the castle. There was little doubt in their minds that Twilight would be pleasantly surprised.
* * *
“This just seems like overkill,” Twilight stated, staring up at the behemoth of a cake. She had to suppress a gulp of fear as it towered over her. She could hear Discord laughing at her and resisted the urge to scowl and turn on him. He was working on the spells to induce her heart attack after all. She couldn’t afford to have him messing up now.
“This coming from the pony who could overcome all sorts of villains threatening not only her country but her friends!” Discord snickered. “I expected more from a pony such as you, Twilight.”
Twilight knew she shouldn’t have been bothered by what Discord said. Fluttershy had insisted that was just his way of bantering with them. That, in and of itself wasn’t the problem. Discord had done this sort of thing plenty of times before and Twilight hadn’t been baited then. Again, she could only blame herself and possibly Rainbow Dash for instilling an unwillingness to back down from a challenge. But she still couldn’t help it. The cake that stood before her, as big as it was, looked delicious. Truth be told, she was more than a little eager to eat it. She just couldn’t help but feel a little guilty for not being able to share it with her friends.
Still, she appreciated Discord poking fun at her. It did help put things into perspective: at least she didn’t have to fight it. She suppressed a shiver at the thought of a giant cake monster attacking them. It brought back memories of the Smooze.
Twilight never looked at jelly the same way again.
“Now remember Twilight,” Discord stated, his tone uncharacteristically brisk, snapping Twilight out of her musings. “I’ve already charmed the cake such that the plaque that will inevitably accumulate will build up around your heart. This will induce the heart attack that may or may not take your life. You will know that the spell has taken effect once you’ve taken the first bite: it will taste a little strange but after that, it should taste normal.”
Twilight took a deep breathe. No time like the present.
She stared at the slab of cake on her plate. She could tell just by looking at it that it smelled as tasty as it looked. The fact that Pinkie had baked it all but assured her of this fact. That first bite was strange just as Discord expected to be. She honestly didn’t know to describe it: like someone had mixed lemons and apple cider together? Thankfully, the next slice was tastier than the first and she’d quickly plowed her way through the first slice.
The next few slices didn’t stand a chance against Twilight as she’d turned ravenous. The others watched from afar as she attacked the cake in an uncharacteristically ravenous fury.
“This is weird,” Spike murmured as his gaze went between the crystal that tracked Twilight’s heart rate which was still stable and back to his purple friend who’d polished off another slice and went for more. It seemed like she wouldn’t be slowing down anytime soon.
“I guess this is one of Twilight’s guilty pleasures?” Starlight answered uncertainly.
Here we go. Twilight thought as she recognized the telltale signs: she felt herself burst out into a cold sweat. She could feel the tightening in her chest in tandem with the sudden bout of nausea. It only got worse as time went on. They watched as Twilight moaned in pain, clutching her head in her forelegs before slumping forward and hitting the cake slice with a loud thump.
Starlight and Spike rushed to her side and a quick check revealed that her heart was still beating, albeit quite quickly and erratically. Nonetheless, she was still breathing albeit raggedy.
“Well,” said Discord, checking the gauges. “She did in fact have a heart attack and from the look of things, it seems to have done some extensive damage.” He showed them the images of the scar tissues around Twilight’s heart. “I suspect that it was a very narrow miss that Twilight managed to survive. It would be best if we repeated this, just to be sure.”
Starlight and Spike turned back to Twilight who took several deep breaths while Discord silently passed her an elixir to clear the plaque and scar tissue while restoring the previously dead cardiac muscle to proper working order. At Starlight’s incredulous gaze, Discord shrugged. Such was the power of his magic that he could make miracles happen if he felt so inclined.
Plus Saddle Arabia happened to have all manner of herbs to help treat such conditions.
When they repeated the experiment the following day, much to their surprise, Twilight had suffered an even worse heart attack but still survived. It had been a pleasant change of pace even if Twilight had to endure several rounds enduring the increasingly unpleasant symptoms. Now it was just a question of why?
“I think I know,” Twilight said quietly as she looked over the readings. “It’s becomes an alicorn’s circulatory system is able to compensate for the plaque collection around the heart.”
“If that’s the case, then wouldn’t that have prevented the heart attacks in the first place?” Starlight pointed out.
“You’re right,” Twilight agreed. “But remember what I said: heart attacks can be caused by clots formed as a result of plaques. If those clots get caught up in the heart, they can limit blood flow and cause a great deal of damage. I think the reason I was able to survive was because my magic was able to compensate for the lost blood flow long enough for the clot to disappear and reestablish relatively normal blood flow before the clot could kill me. I’m pretty sure the same is true for anypony which is probably why Pinkie can eat as much as she does and not have to worry about it.”
“It makes sense,” Spike mused. “I mean I didn’t feel great after all that ice cream way back when…”
“I think that’s just because you were younger back then…” Twilight quipped, smiling at her assistant. Discord and Starlight snickered while Spike stuck his tongue out at Twilight.
“Well, since we know that you can survive all manner of heart attacks, why don’t you try to finish off the rest of that cake? You’ve only got a couple slices to go,” Discord grinned at her. Twilight looked back at the small mound where the once tall and proud cake stood. Truth be told, while she’d managed to handle the lion’s share of the cake on her own, Twilight suspected she was going to need help if she wanted to finish it off.
At her request, the three friends saluted as they all tackled the small mound that stood defiantly before them.
* * *
“Well, that was satisfying,” Twilight nodded thickly through her last bite of cake. None of the others answered. She’d only had to look around figure out why. It seemed that the others had slipped into what Twilight affectionately dubbed a food coma. Unlike Twilight who had plenty of experience eating Pinkie-made cakes, it was clear to her that even the Lord of Chaos himself had been blindsided by the almost-divine sensation.
Eventually though, they’d managed to wake up and with a herculean effort, they stood up.
A couple hours later found them back in the throne room. A spell to overclock their metabolism was the only reason they were able to stand without fearing the massive rotund bellies that they would have otherwise sported.
“I think we should try this one,” Spike pointed.
“Being buried alive?” Twilight asked, eyebrow raised.
“Sure?” Spike said uncertainly. Twilight shrugged. She wouldn’t say it aloud but she would be glad to have all those gauges as far away from her as possible.
* * *
Twilight grumbled as she settled herself inside the coffin. As it turned out, she didn’t get to escape those pesky gauges. “They’re there to track your vitals, Twilight!” Starlight explained when asked why she even needed them. In hindsight, Twilight would have agreed but she didn’t enjoy being crammed inside in already small coffin and having to share her space with a bunch of gauges. She would have much rather have shared the space with books. Oh yes… Twilight wondered if their list had methods that involved death by way of books. If not, they would have to come up with one posthaste.
Their set up had been relatively simple. Instead of burying Twilight six feet underground as was normal for a standard burial, it had been decided to leave Twilight’s coffin above ground and simply pile six feet worth of dirt on top of it. They’d decided to do it in segments in case there was a certain point that the dirt caved into the casket and possibly kill Twilight outright. In case Twilight either died or survived past the point of no return, they’d surrounded the casket and the dirt with large wooden sheets tied together via rope. The ropes could be easily cut down to get quick access to Twilight.
“I’m ready when you are,” Twilight told her teammates. Discord, now wearing a garishly yellow hardhat, was direct a large mound of dirt floating in Starlight’s magic. They’d went to work segmentally dropping dirt on Twilight’s casket. They’d heard a large creak from the casket about halfway through but decided to ignore it at Twilight insistence.
“So now we wait,” said Spike as he, Discord, and Starlight padded the tall hill that concealed Twilight’s casket.
“Now we wait,” Starlight agreed. It was a nice day outside. If they were going to have to keep track of Twilight’s condition inside her casket, they may as well soak up some sun while they had the chance. Still, Discord had to erect several notice-me-not wards to prevent anyone from asking about the dirt mound, least of all Twilight’s friends who would have surely asked questions.
It was rather fortunate that he erected these wards as they noticed Rainbow Dash overhead, having performed a sonic rainboom for practice. The sight meant different things to each of them. For Starlight, it had been a turning point in her bid for revenge against Twilight and her friends. It had inspired her to turn over a new leaf and start learning about friendship from Twilight herself. For Spike, it had been what allowed him to be born so he would be forever grateful to it for providing Twilight with the strength she needed to hatch that egg.
For Discord, it represented an opportunity. When he was certain Rainbow Dash was far away, he flew from his beach chair and with a snap of his fingers, managed to contain the blast the sonic rainboom had created. He grinned at all the rainbow essence as it swirled turbulently inside the orb. He pointedly ignored the curious looks of Starlight and Spike as he stuffed the orb away for safekeeping.
“How are you holding up in there, Twilight?” Discord asked. Starlight and Spike had crowded him, keen to hear her response as well.
“It’s fine,” said Twilight, surprised. “I mean, it’s getting warm in here and I wish I had a book to read but other than that, it’s fine.”
“Even if we did let you keep a book in there, would you really want dirt messing up the pages? Besides, with your magic sealed and no flashlight, how would you even in read it?” Spike wondered aloud.
“You underestimate me, Spike,” Twilight chuckled. “But like I said, I’m fine if not a little bored.”
“Should we add more dirt?” Starlight asked.
“You can but I don’t know if that’s going to make much difference,” Twilight replied. Discord needed no further motivation as he piled more clumps of dirt before they heard they heard the casket groan under the pressure.
“I think you should probably stop, Discord,” said Starlight, eyeing the mound of dirt cautiously. “We don’t want Twilight to die by being crushed by dirt. “We want to see if she’ll die by being buried alive.”
Much like any other pony who’d had the misfortune of being buried alive, it turned out that Twilight, with her magic sealed, had also died if her lack of a heartbeat or pulse were any indication. They’d frantically unsealed the casket to find the angel and Twilight inside. The two stared at the trio for several seconds before the angel disappeared in a flash of light.
Twilight offered no explanation as she climbed out of the casket. She’d frowned when she noticed three more caskets identical to the one she’d been in but the promise of books inside had incensed her enough to get in.
Twilight appreciated it the built-in light in her casket. It made reading so much easier while she waited for her imminent death. She’d only paused when they’d dumped a particularly large pile of dirt on top of her coffin or when her coffin groaned under the weight of the dirt much like it had the last time she’d been in one. Much like her previous experience, while Twilight lasted longer the second time around, in the end, she could still not escape death when it came knocking.
* * *
“Is it strange that doing this has become the highlight of my day?” the angel asked suddenly, having finished casting the last of the spells needed to send Twilight back to her body. While she’d cast the necessary spells, she’d taken to humming a tune. A tune that Twilight found herself mimicking unconsciously.
“Maybe…?” Twilight trailed off uncertainly. “I don’t know that any other angels do this sort of thing.”
“Trust me. There are thousands of us who do this sort of thing,” she replied firmly. “But I can safely say that I’m the only one who has met an alicorn.”
That made Twilight blink. Surely the other princesses had found at least a few methods that had killed them. If that was the case, then how were they coming back to life? She blinked when she realized she voiced the question aloud but looked to the angel for an answer regardless.
All she got was a shrug for her troubles as she felt the angel’s lips upon her cheeks before being surged back into her own body.
* * *
“You okay, Twilight?” Spike asked as he pulled the fifth coffin open after confirm by way of various gauges indicating as much and the appearance of the nameless angel who promptly vanished as Twilight rose from the casket.
“And she’s still alive,” Starlight murmured to no one in particular. They’d been testing Twilight’s chances of survival for the better part of the day and it was clear after the fourth round of testing: alicorns wouldn’t last long being locked in a casket and buried underground.
Or above ground for that matter.
They’d certainly last longer than an earth pony, pegasus, or a unicorn but they’d still end up dead before long.
Twilight, who’d been happy that her books hadn’t been harmed by the experience, landed on her hooves before trotting back to the castle. If the three listened closely, they could barely make out a faint tune that she’d started to hum…
Giving it no more thought, the three strode after her to the castle. There was still a lot of work to do.
“So going on that same vein of burying things,” Twilight started slowly as she finished off what was left of her daisy sandwich. “Why don’t we try crushing by way of dirt as a form of killing me?” She’d remembered seeing it on the list of methods they’d yet to try. None of them protested as they returned to the grounds they’d used for the coffins.
“Isn’t that practice outlawed though?” Starlight asked.
“Not outlawed,” said Twilight, “just frowned upon. It’s seen as an insult to the deceased to simply bury their bodies. Even the poorest of ponies use wooden caskets for funerals. At least that’s what that book on funeral etiquette said when we read it in preparation for being buried alive.”
“Huh…” said Spike, shaking her head. “So should we just do this the same way we did when we dropped stuff on you for the blunt force trauma experiment?”
“Not quite, Spike,” Twilight shook her head, smiling. “Remember, this time I’m going to try to be crushed to death by way of dirt. Regardless of how that plays out, we can try testing other common materials and see how I fare against those.”
“So which materials were you thinking of using, Twilight?” Discord asked with a butter-couldn’t-melt-in-my-mouth smile. Twilight chuckled as she explained what she’d had in mind.
* * *
“Definitely a simple setup,” Starlight observed, her eyes drifting between the materials that Twilight had chosen. The first was their arbitrarily defined default: the dirt. They’d been curious if being crushed by a certain amount of dirt would be enough to kill her. For all materials, they’d start at the same baseline level of six feet and increase it for every hour Twilight remained alive.
Unlike their previous endeavor, Twilight was delighted to learn that she wouldn’t have all those cords and electrodes attached to her body during the test. She would only have the heart and pulse monitors to confirm her death while the angel worked to revive her. They’d also given her an oxygen tank to breathe, goggles to prevent the dirt from getting in her eyes, and a nasal canula for her nose. Discord had remembered to cast an unbreakable charm on the metal tanks to prevent those from being crushed.
“I’m ready when you are!” Twilight said thickly through the mouthpiece. Discord needed no more incentive as he unceremoniously dumped mound after mound of dirt on the princess. They watched on as Twilight took each mound without batting an eye.
Twilight was surprised as she heard another clump of dirt being piled on top of her. It was strange. The dirt didn’t hurt at all. It just felt uncomfortable. Having the oxygen tank also helped with the nerves she’d had going into the experiment. Now, with as dark as it was, Twilight suspected that she could have easily have taken a nap with all dirt around her.
“I thought for sure that one would have killed her,” said Starlight thoughtfully as they watched Discord deposit the last mound. “I mean, we didn’t need nearly this much to kill her when we buried her alive.”
“But didn’t she also have the air limits to worry about?” Spike asked curiously. “This time, we gave her an oxygen tank so that we wouldn’t have to worry about her dying because of oxygen deprivation.”
“Ah…” Starlight’s eyes lit up in realization as it all clicked in her head.
“Well, we can rule out being crushed by dirt,” Discord couldn’t help but grumble in disappointment. All Twilight had gotten from the dirt was dirty and achy. “Shall we try wood?”
At that moment they heard several successive cracks. By the side out of it, seemed that Twilight’s bones had finally given out as the dirt fell a few inches. They didn’t need to check for vitals as they pulled a dead Twilight Sparkle out of the dirt. Still, the meters confirmed what they’d already known: Twilight was dead. Still, they hadn’t had to wait long for the angel to show up and work her magic to bring Twilight back.
Once Twilight recovered her strength they’d tried wood. Much like the dirt, it was certainly heavy to be sure and would no doubt make Twilight’s body ache in agony once this whole thing was said and done. Unlike the wood, Twilight did have the benefit of not being dirty after it was over so at least there was that for a silver lining. However, like the dirt, the wood, at the same weight as the dirt, had been enough to overwhelm Twilight’s bones and crush the poor pony to death.
And that was to say nothing of the organs her ribcage had pierced. It was a good thing that the angel could heal any ailment with her magic.
“Just how strong are alicorn bones?” Starlight couldn’t help but ask incredulously as they watched Twilight somehow manage to handle having several pallets of bricks precariously placed on top of her. Despite the grandiose size, it was still the same weight as the others before they heard the same familiar cracks that prefaced Twilight’s demise. The result had been much the same with crystals, concrete mixed with cement, and steel.
Despite all of that, it was more than a little absurd.
“I think that answers the question,” Spike shrugged as he and Starlight watched Twilight repeat the experiments at Discord’s insistence. “I mean, I remember Shining telling me she had some sort of height complex when she was a filly so she’d chug down milk by the gallon so I guess she was bound to get something from drinking all that milk.”
“Aside from the upset stomach?” Starlight quipped dryly.
“Aside from the upset stomach,” Spike confirmed as Discord finally confirmed what they’d already learned. From where they were standing, it was already clear to them that Twilight had just been revived for the umpteenth time that day if her freshened appearance was anything to go by. Discord grumbled at the unfairness of having to clean himself off with a snap of the fingers
They watched as Twilight trotted away while Discord floated toward them.
As they sat in the throne room that evening, commiserating over Twilight’s almost ludicrous bone strength, they’d somehow segued into ideas for Twilight to die.
“I remember seeing one that mentioned dying by way of a sonic rainboom,” Spike offered helpfully.
“But how are we going to convince Rainbow to perform one for us without her insisting on being a safe distance away?” Twilight asked grimly. If there was one thing Rainbow cared about when it came to the Sonic Rainboom, it was safety when it came to her friends and family. She didn’t want any spectators getting hurt while she performed it. If they did then that meant fewer people who got to watch her performance!
Rainbow simply wouldn’t allow for it.
“Who said Rainbow has to know at all?” Discord supplied silkily. He pulled out the orb he’d used to contain the rainboom. Starlight, Twilight, and Spike’s eyes were all drawn to the orb. Discord was halfway tempted to hypnotize them but thought better of it. He was having fun testing methods by which Twilight might die. Besides, if Fluttershy happened to get wind of him considering such a thing, he shuddered. For his sake, it was best not to think about such things.
“Are you going to tell us what that is, Discord?” Twilight asked equal parts impatient and curious.
“Essence of sonic rainboom,” he said simply, waving the orb around. He snapped his fingers and one orb became five. At their curious looks, he elaborated. “All I have to do is break these orbs with a little chaos magic and it will release the energy that was contained right when our good friend, Rainbow Dash, performed the technique.”
“This… this is incredible,” Twilight murmured, moving closer to get a closer look at the orbs. She could see the colors of the rainbow swirling inside the orb. Twilight would have thought it was just a flashy crystal ball but Twilight noticed the powerful magic contained within and knew that this was no ordinary orb. They would need to be careful when breaking these things.
* * *
“Looks like there’s not a soul around for miles,” Spike remarked, taking stock of the desolate wasteland that they’d deemed fit to conduct their studies. Starlight would have compared it to the wasteland she’d seen when Twilight dragged her into the new future she’d creature during her revenge scheme.
“It’s perfect,” Discord explained, “no one’s crazy enough to come here so we can conduct our tests without scrutiny.”
“Well, what are we waiting for?” asked Twilight, turning to look at them all in turn. “Let’s get on with it!”
They’d all nodded before taking the necessary precautions: some shield spells to prevent the explosion from killing them as well. Discord had also decided that setting it off remotely would probably be best. He knew that those orbs were volatile enough as it was and he had no desire to be near them when they detonated.
Once all the safety measures were in place and they’d gotten the nod from Twilight, Discord produced a large control panel filled with all sorts of buttons and switches. He pressed a big red button placed in the middle of the panel and almost instantly they heard a loud bang.
They peered from the safety of the shields. They’d had to wear sunglasses from how bright the burst of rainbow light was but it was just as dazzling as before. Still, once the light and the resultant mushroom cloud faded, they rushed to ground zero to check the damage.
They stared. As it turned out, while there had been a large crater where the orb had detonated, they could see that Twilight, though battered and knocked out, appeared to be just fine.
Incredulous, Discord insisted they try again.
Much like the previous rendition, Twilight had only passed out from the shockwave but neither the shockwave nor the sonic rainboom itself had actually killed her. They’d tried three more times before Twilight puzzled out a theory.
“The rainboom itself produces a blinding light that dazzles all who witness it,” Twilight started. “While there is a risk of blindness to those who witness it at ground zero, that risk decreases proportionally to distance. Don’t get me wrong, it’s quite powerful and if pony bodies were more delicate, we could have very easily died. It can also provide a power boost to unicorns who happen to be casting a spell at the time, but that’s not important just yet. The real clevelledwith the sonic rainboom, I think, is the shock wave.” She leveled a look at Spike.
“Remember that one time Rainbow performed it when helping Applejack tear down that barn?” Spike nodded. He remembered that day very well; it had led to what they’d called the smarty pants incident. “If you recall, do you remember how Rainbow finally destroyed the barn?”
“She dived bombed it while performing a sonic rainboom,” said Spike slowly. “But what does that have to do with anything?”
“Think about it,” Twilight insisted. “The light itself couldn’t have done that damage. At least not on it’s own. It was the shock wave she produced when she broke the barrier that destroyed the barn.”
Spike let an ‘oh’ of understanding as it clicked in his head. Starlight and Discord exchanged a look with each other. They would need to get more details on this story from Twilight later.
“All things considered though,” said Twilight idly as she examined the remains of the orbs that once contained the colossal energy of the rainboom. “It was nice to be able to see a rainboom again. That said, I think it would be best to keep this one a secret from Rainbow Dash. I don’t think she’d appreciate our literally stealing her technique much less using it to determine it as a means to kill an alicorn.”
There was a chorus of agreement as Discord teleported them back to the castle, keen to see what insane method of death Twilight would propose next.
“It’s lucky I happen to be quite good at archery,” Discord grinned as he conjured his ever faithful bow and bag of arrows. The others watched in morbid fascination as his arrows successfully pierced the apple core he’d placed several yards away before careening into the opposite wall.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Spike asked, eying the arrows warily.
“It’s just as viable a way of killing ponies as any and therefore merits at least an attempt,” Twilight replied shortly. “We’re starting at a quarter draw, right Discord?”
“Yep,” Discord nodded, hefting the bow onto his shoulder.
“Then let’s get started.”
* * *
Twilight felt her heart thump violently in her chest as she stared back at Discord who’d taken aim at her with a new arrow. She could see that Spike and Starlight were off to the side taking notes. She couldn’t help noticing that Discord’s first set of arrows happened to be little more than sharpened sticks that he’d strung fletchling onto the end. Still, she couldn’t suppress her gulp as she watched him pull the bow back.
She didn’t know why she felt worried. She’d put herself through twenty four other methods of killing herself with varying levels of success and she walked away from them a little worse for wear but still okay.
So why was she so nervous about being hit with arrows of all things?
Maybe the thought of an arrow hitting me in the eye would hurt a lot . Twilight thought morbidly. She the mental image of an arrow through the eye was too disgusting to consider so she shook her head and gave Discord the agreed upon signal. They’d agreed preemptively to aim for Twilight’s neck. Bone was less of an issue in the neck unlike her brain and heart which had dense bone to protect them. If he happened to hit a vessel then all the better for the test.
As it turned out, at a quarter pull, the arrow had only bounced off Twilight’s neck with a comical ‘boing’ sound before clattering to the floor.
“That was a lot less painful than I was expecting,” Twilight admitted, staring at the sharpened stick at her hooves.
“That was only a quarter draw, Twilight. That’s essentially nothing,” Discord pointed out. “Now we’re going to make that arrow go faster.”
And faster that arrow flew as he pulled it back further and further. As far as Twilight could tell, arrows definitely hurt especially after their latest test as Discord pulled the string back almost as far as he could. She’d let out a yelp of pain as the arrow connected with its intended target and stuck into her flesh.
Much like the case with the knives, the arrows also failed to kill her. Unlike the knives, the arrows were able to make contact and cause pain. One particularly sharp one had created a small puncture wound and burrow in an inch deep, much to everybody’s confusion. In the end, they’d guessed that it was because the knives were metal and the arrows were made of wood and stone that they were able to pierce if given enough force. They’d suspected that alicorn bodies had some sort of innate magic that protected them against most metals but would have to conduct more tests to confirm it.
Nonetheless, the wound had been treated with a salve that healed the wound quickly.
“We know that wooden ones can cause damage as can ones with stone heads,” Spike remarked after Discord had fired the last stone-headed arrow at Twilight who’d failed to die despite Discord’s best efforts. “So why don’t we try some other designs with different materials?”
“Are there any in particularly you wanted to try?” Twilight asked keenly.
“Well,” said Spike slowly, considering his options. “What about those ice arrows that were used during the last Equestria Games? I remember seeing some arrows in the Crystal Empire that were made of real crystals too! We could also try those new fiberglass and that aloo-mini-umm kind.”
“I think you mean aluminum,” Twilight corrected gently. Turning back to the others, she considered the idea thoughtfully. “It certainly can’t hurt to try the other types. I’d like to cover all our bases by trying all materials available for testing.”
As it turned out, acquiring the other types of arrows had been a simple matter: Discord had been able to conjure everything he’d needed. He took some time to get a feel for the new arrows as to prevent that from messing with their tests. Twilight shook her head in amusement as she took her place on the platform across from Discord who’d repeated the experiment at various draw points.
“That one hurt more than I expected,” Twilight grimaced as she felt the ice arrow pierce her neck. While it only hung from the tip, it still froze a portion of Twilight’s neck. A sensation that had been equal parts unsettling and soothing. Discord banished the arrows which had caused the ice around Twilight’s neck to also disappear.
“I’m not surprised,” Starlight stated, applying the salve to her teacher’s neck and watched as the skin knitted itself back together. “Discord hit a major blood vessel and the ice certainly didn’t help things.”
“Hasn’t he been hitting blood vessels this whole time?” Twilight asked incredulously.
“He has,” Starlight confirmed, “but none of them have been able to penetrate far enough to be much of a concern.
“Anyway,” said Discord quickly as he conjured the fiberglass arrows. “Ready for round four?”
Round four, as it turned out, was a bit of a disappointment for the draconequus. All the fiberglass arrows had an annoying tendency to shatter on impact with Twilight’s neck. They’d suspected fiberglass to be more brittle than it let on as they looked all the shards on the floor.
It certainly didn’t help that they didn’t even hurt or cause any sort of wound on contact. Even after firing well over ten arrows, Discord had called it quits and decided they’d better move on to the crystal ones and after that, the aluminum.
The crystal ones had produced interesting results.
“That’s probably the deepest yet!” Discord exclaimed excitedly.
“Not by much,” Spike muttered, marking the arrow for penetration. “It only went in maybe half an inch deeper than the regular wood and stone ones.”
“It’s still better than nothing!” Discord protested. Spike decided not to honor that with a response as he applied the salve and let it do its magic while pulling the arrow out at the same time.
Nonetheless, they’d moved on the aluminum arrows which had pierced even further in that the crystal one. Admittedly, it had only been half an inch deeper than the crystal one but even then, it hadn’t hurt Twilight very much. It helped that it didn’t inflict any significant damage to her blood vessels.
“See anything interesting on that list, Twilight?” Spike asked. Discord had left when he realized that he needed to do some maintenance work on his bow while Starlight had wanted to double check her notes against Spike’s. She’d asked if she could go to Fluttershy’s after she was done; Twilight had agreed without argument.
“Not really, I mean drinking bleach would be a pretty simple setup, right?”
“I’d think so,” Spike answered. “I mean, it can’t be that difficult. We already proved that with those acids.”
“Okay, then let’s do it. Where’s the bleach?”
Once they’d found the bleach, Twilight and Spike debated briefly whether she ought to chug it down straight from the container or be sophisticated and use those fancy wine glasses they’d found in the kitchen when they first moved into the castle. Whichever they decided to use, they needed to be mindful: the bleach they possessed was much more potent than the average household bleach. They lived in a castle made of crystal atop of a tree. They were going to need a powerful cleaner to be able to handle that.
It also helped that it came with a spray nozzle as to make things easier to clean.
“Might as well drink it straight,” Twilight muttered. “I can ask Starlight to buy some more on her way back from Fluttershy’s.”
Spike blinked. “What’s she doing there?”
“It seems she and Fluttershy bonded ever since she moved in with us,” Twilight was beaming now. “Plus I asked her if she could ask Fluttershy if we could borrow her bear, Harry, for the day. One of the methods I want to try is being mauled to death by a bear.”
Spike wondered about the plausibility of such a thing. If there was one thing he knew about the animals that lived with Fluttershy, it was that they were the gentlest creatures of their kind and were quite easy to get along with.
“Well, we can worry about that when we get there,” Twilight shrugged, raising the bottle of bleach to her lips. But before she drank, she had just one last thing to say.
“You remember the rule: don’t help me even if I beg for it and don’t contact poison control.” Spike nodded as she inclined her head and raised the bottle to her lips again.
And promptly spat out the first mouthful.
“Ugh, that’s just disgusting,” she grimaced, shaking her head. “Spike, can you plug my nose for me? If I can’t smell it coming, hopefully the taste won’t be so potent.” Spike nodded and hopped onto her head and pinched her nose shut.
Twilight raised the bottle to her lips once more and proceeded to chug. She could hear the sirens in her head going off in alarm. She could tell that, much like the case when she drank all that acid, her body was telling her to spit out bleach. However, she ignored it. Her body, despite having gone through several deaths since they’d started this strange endeavor, didn’t seem to understand that dying was the whole point of this exercise.
Still, Twilight felt a modicum of relief as she felt the last drop of bleach fall into her mouth before she drunkenly tossed the container aside. She had only just started to notice the burning sensation in her mouth and throat. At the same time, she felt the urge to vomit despite not having eaten much of anything that day.
It wasn’t a fun feeling.
It certainly wasn’t made any better by the delirium setting in.
“Why are there so… many of you, S-Spike,” Twilight slurred as she leaned against the wall for support while staring wildly at him.
Spike stared back as she didn’t wait for answer before curling into a ball and clutching her stomach. While Spike rapidly took notes, he could see Twilight moaning incomprehensibly. He’d pressed his ear to her chest and noticed that her heartbeat had slowed drastically compared to her normal rate.
It wasn’t long before she went into shock and then went unresponsive.
Alarmed, Spike rushed to her side and checked her pulse. There was none. Twilight had stopped breathing after dropping into the shock-induced coma. With no signs of life, Spike was certain that Twilight was dead.
Far from distraught by the revelation, Spike grinned when he saw the angel float down to meet him. She nodded briskly at him, silently urging him to move out of the way. He’d watched in fascination as he got to watch her perform her spells and sealed them with her kisses. Spike watched in fascination as Twilight was bathed in a golden light before being raised to her hooves by magic that wasn’t her own.
Twilight beamed at the angel who smiled back. The angel nodded at Spike once before disappearing a burst of light.
“Ready for round two, Twilight?” Spike couldn’t help but ask as he gestured to the cart holding four more large bottles of bleach. Twilight heaved a sigh but pulled the next bottle toward her while gesturing for Spike to pinch her nose shut.
* * *
“If I never have to look at bottle of bleach again, it’ll be too soon,” Twilight groaned, leaning against the wall, having just been revived for the fifth time for chugging down a full bottle of bleach. The experience had not improved with successive rounds. If anything it had only made things worse now that she knew that death would be waiting impatiently for her at the bottom.
“Confirm bleach, Twilight?” Spike asked tentatively, looking up her.
“Confirm bleach, Spike,” Twilight nodded.
“Let’s give death by caffeine a try,” Twilight decided, looking up from their list of methods of which they could try to kill Twilight. Spike looked up from the comic book he’d been reading while shrugging.
“How much do we need for it to be dangerous, Twilight?” he asked.
“Just a single tablespoon,” she replied. “Apparently that’s the same as a hundred and twenty cups of coffee and I’d much rather do this than drink a hundred and twenty cups of coffee.”
“Sounds reasonable enough,” Spike nodded before scratching his head, “now where’d we put that caffeine…”
* * *
To their surprise, they’d found a full bottle of caffeine stored in one of their cabinets that Twilight had stumbled upon by accident. Just as well as she produced a tablespoon and scooped the appropriate amount of caffeine onto it.
“Well,” said Twilight, attempting sound cheerful. “Bottom’s up!” With that she downed the powdered caffeine in a single swallow.
Almost instantly, Twilight felt the energy boost often associated with caffeine kick in. But this wasn’t an average energy boost. This was an advanced energy boost. Spike watched as Twilight rushed around the room, eager for freedom. As they head sealed the room with magic before testing the bleach and with Twilight’s magic also sealed, she would most certainly have a hard time breaking out.
With magic not a viable option to her, Twilight had tried bucking the doors down. However, that was when the dizziness and headaches started kicking in. Instead of kicking the doors like she’d intended, Twilight had dented the wall next the door.
Spike had never been more thankful for a headache than he had just then. While the dent in the wall would need repairing and require hours of work, it certainly beat having to deal with Twilight on caffeine. He remembered the story of that one time Shining gave Twilight coffee as a filly and shuddered at both the result of that endeavor as well as the verbal lashing Cadance gave him when she got wind of what he’d done.
Shaking his head, Spike watched as Twilight slowed to a stop from what felt like the ninetieth lap around the room. He sighed in dismay as he spotted all the dents in the wall and the damage that Twilight incurred in her caffeine induced state. He could see the table had been thrown into the wall. How that hadn’t broken the wall outright was a mystery to him. Chairs had been twisted into something approaching artistic patterns and various decorations were now on the ground, broken.
While all that was a concern to Spike, the young dragon was more concerned for Twilight herself who looked more battered, bruised, and concussed from the all the crashing she’d done when she’d tried to fly.
He watched Twilight stand unsteadily on her hooves while shaking her head. She panted heavily as she sat down on the ground, not noticing or not caring about the broken glass shards around her, pricking her coat. All that mattered to her right now was that she rest.
Spike had noticed her head slump forward just as it was about to hit a particularly sharp shard of glass. Without even thinking, Spike rushed forward and slid such that her head now resided on his body.
He’d noticed that she had stopped breathing a few moments afterward and the familiar golden light that descended down upon him confirmed what he’d already suspected.
The angel had barely paid him a thought as she cast the spells to revive Twilight. As Spike watched her kiss Twilight’s left cheek, Spike couldn’t help but wonder why the angel felt compelled to kiss Twilight at all. Was that how the spell worked? If so, it was a weird spell but Spike wouldn’t complain, he had Twilight back.
They’d decided that caffeine that potent could most certainly kill an alicorn.
“Should we try water intoxication?” Spike asked. “I’m not sure what that is but it sounds easy enough to do.”
“It would be quite easy,” Twilight nodded. “The idea behind it is that you drink a lot of water in a short space of time and it can kill you. It’s similar to that silly idea younger ponies have about drinking a gallon of milk within a minute or trying to eat a tablespoon of cinnamon without drinking water.”
“Wait, so how exactly does it kill you?” Spike asked, curiously.
“The idea is that when you have too much water in your body and your kidneys can’t filter it out quickly enough, that water has to be stored somewhere right? So that’s what it does, it’s stored anywhere it can manage, include the brain,” Twilight explained, tapping her head for emphasis.
“So what happens next?” Spike asked curiously.
“Well when you have a lot of water stored up in your brain, it can lead to all kinds of neurological problems like headaches, seizures, and rare cases: death because the neurons can no longer make those connections like they used to,” Twilight explained. Spike looked alarmed, halfway tempted to chuck his glass of water as far away from him as possible.
“You don’t have to worry, Spike,” Twilight reassured him. “This is an incredibly rare way for ponies to die since our kidneys our so efficient.”
“So how do we know how much will induce water intoxication?” asked Spike.
“Well, from what I’ve read,” said Twilight slowly as she mulled over how to approach this. “The instances in which this has happened occurred after drinking 2 gallons of water in 2 hours so that’ll be our baseline. If that doesn’t work, we’ll just keep going until it does… unless it doesn’t happen.”
* * *
Twilight stared down at the 2 jugs of water standing proudly before her. Normally after a long day of studying or giving a lecture about friendship, Twilight would happily chug down a glass of water. It was a soothing and almost cathartic means to help relieve her stress and also her prevent her kidneys from going berserk.
Still, staring at those jugs, Twilight suspected her kidneys were going to hate her before all of this was over regardless of whether she survived or not. She gulped as she watched Spike pour out large glass of water and place it in front of her. Never before had she felt fear at the sight of a glass of water before. She’d drowned in the ocean before and that hadn’t fazed her so why should this?
Emboldened by this burst of inspiration, Twilight seized the glass in her magic and drained it before pouring herself another glass and pressing on.
By the time she finished finished the first jug, Twilight could feel the nausea and vomiting set in. She’d also happened to feel the need to use the bathroom but with her sealed in the room with Spike, she wasn’t going to get anywhere until she finished that second jug. She leaned back in her seat while a sympathetic Spike watched on.
She hopped out of her seat and took a quick stroll around the length of the room before returning to it.
“It helps with the need to go to the bathroom,” she explained, relieved that the uncomfortable feeling in her bladder had receded at least a little.
Spike looked at her and silently poured her glass full of water. He watched as Twilight downed the liquid before snatching the jug away from him and simply chugged straight from the jug itself. Spike could see drops of water dribble down Twilight chin and down her neck before she flung the plastic jug into the waste basket next to the first one.
It was not long before Twilight felt her headache worsen and felt her vision fade out. Spike watched in alarm as she fell over onto her side, only weakly raising her head up. He’d tried to help her up but it seemed she couldn’t keep her balance to save her life.
All in all, it was more than a little unsettling especially as he watched Twilight looking ready to vomit. Before he could so much as move to grab a bucket for her to vomit into, Twilight had slumped back onto the ground.
Surprised, Spike narrowed his eyes as he checked her still beating heart. Remembering a trick that Rarity showed him, a grabbed a conveniently placed mirror and held it over Twilight’s mouth. He breathed a sigh of relief that she was still breathing. Unfortunately, he didn’t have any methods to check her brain but supposed that if she was still alive after that, she would probably be okay.
Sure enough, Twilight had managed to power through that second jug. Producing a third one from the cabinet, they started anew.
* * *
Spike looked over at Twilight who’d slumped back onto the floor after finishing the third jug. He’d noticed her labored breathing and erratic heartbeat were telltale signs of her oncoming death. His suspicions were confirmed as several minutes later and he spotted the golden light of the angel shine down on Twilight. He watched as the angel herself descend and quickly went to work performing magic to bring Twilight back.
He rushed over to Twilight’s side much to the angel’s irritation. He didn’t see the slow rise and fall of her body that she’d had earlier when she first went under.
“Do you mind?” the angel couldn’t help but ask impatiently. “I need to do my work if I am to bring your friend back.”
“Sorry,” he mumbled, looking down.
The angel offered him a nod and a patient smile before turning back to her spells. Spike had considered engaging the angel in conversation put the stern concentration she’d put into her spells made Spike reconsider. He knew how annoyed Twilight got when someone interrupted her mid-spell. It also led to some sort of hilarious disaster that would lead to some sort of friendship lesson that they’d send to Princess Celestia.
“Well, my work is done,” she nodded to Spike as they watched Twilight slowly open her eyes as the angel disappeared. Spike helped Twilight back to her hooves as she shook her head to shake the last vestiges of her coma-induced death.
They’d silently agreed that water intoxication was definitely able to kill an alicorn. Granted, they’d needed more water than what would have led to intoxication for normal ponies but there it was.
“Should we try the same thing with ammonia?” Twilight proposed. “I mean. I know it’s not exactly a strong base but it’s still dangerous and could be lethal.”
“We can if you want to,” Spike nodded, dropping his quill and parchment on the desk next to him. “But do we even have concentrated ammonia? Because let’s face it, Twi: the household cleaner that’s in ponies houses is only going to cause moderate symptoms at worse.”
“You’re right,” Twilight murmured. Her eyes brightened as she realized what this meant. “But do you know what this means?” Before Spike could get a word in edgewise, Twilight had already answered that question for him. “It looks like we’ll be needing to visit the Canterlot Research Lab!”
Spike could only smile and shake his head as Twilight went off on a tangent on the various sophisticated pieces of equipment that the scientists there would have surely developed. He’d noticed that it was already dark out and pointed this out to Twilight, stating that they would have to go in the morning.
However, Twilight, too eager to wait until tomorrow to go to lab, proposed they break in. Spike had stared at her incredulously.
“Twilight, you remember the last time we tried breaking in somewhere?” Spike asked, recalling his, Twilight, and Pinkie’s escapade into the Canterlot Archives.
Twilight did remember. Quite vividly, actually. She, Pinkie, and Spike had broken into the Canterlot Archives to look for a time stopping spell to prevent some undefined disaster from occurring. Truth be told, it wasn’t so much breaking in as was, the guards, used to her late night study sessions, let her and her friends in without batting an eye. In the end, there was no disaster and Twilight had ended up panicking over nothing.
The compliment from Princess Celestia about her mane had been unexpected but still appreciated.
Overall, a very strange night. But not strange enough to deter Twilight from breaking into the labs of her own volition.
Before Spike could voice his protest, he’d found himself in Canterlot alongside Twilight who’d pulled him onto her back and led the way to the labs.
As it turned out, the labs were not actually closed. They’d been surprised to find a guard at the front desk.
“Princess Twilight,” he hastened to bow. Twilight smiled her practiced regal smile before encouraging him to stand.
“I’m only here to visit,” she said kindly.
“Of course,” he nodded vigorously, writing down her name in his logbook before passing her a badge with her name on it. One last smile and wave from Twilight had the guard grinning as they set off for the labs. While Twilight was fascinated by the various experiments being conducted, Spike was not and had pointedly reminded Twilight why they were there when he caught her staring longing at a particular lab experiment in progress.
Spike had to drag her by her tail away from the display while filtering out her various protests.
Thankfully, the first pony they’d encountered in the halls happened to do maintenance and inventory for the lab’s supplies.
“I’m sure nopony will mind if we donate a few bottles of our concentrated ammonia for Princess Twilight’s cause,” he said kindly to a beaming Twilight who’d eagerly grabbed several bottles in her magic. “But if I may ask, Your Highness, what do you intend to do with them?”
“I’ve been conducting a few experiments of my own and I’m afraid I cannot proceed until I acquired some concentrated ammonia.” It wasn’t a lie and Twilight was grateful she didn’t feel the stab of pain she felt anytime she lied. “Incidentally, where might I acquire some for myself? I would hate to stall your experiments for my own needs and I would rather not interrupt your experiments if I can help it.”
“We order from the company listed on the bottle,” he grinned as he watched Twilight turn the bottle to spot the company logo plastered on the label. “They’ve got good prices but we truly don’t mind sharing our chemical stores with you, Princess. You are one of Equestria’s brightest minds and we’d be honored to have the chance to work with you in the future.”
Twilight beamed and eagerly nodded as she promised that she would keep in touch with them.
All in all, a good night’s work.
* * *
“Ready Twilight?” Spike asked, pinching Twilight’s nose.
“Ready Spike,” said Twilight, her voice nasally from Spike pinching her nose shut. The less she had to endure the awful taste, the better.
“To death,” she said, raising the large bottle of ammonia to her lips. Spike didn’t respond. He was too busy keeping Twilight’s nostrils shut while only letting go when she stopped drinking to catch her breath before resuming. She’d grimaced at the taste as it burned through her throat and fell down into her stomach.
Much like the bleach, as soon as the liquid hit her stomach, Twilight found herself leaning against the wall for support. She could already feel the hallucinations coming on: she was certain she could see doubles of everything around her and had tried to reach out for Spike but only grab at air. It didn’t help that Spike couldn’t make out a word she was saying thanks to the slurred speech.
The next thing that happened was the coughing and strained breathing. He could already seen Twilight’s face changing color as well as her lips and the tips of her hooves. He noticed that the coughing she’d had before had evolved into a strained wheezing. From the looks of things, it looked like she wanted to throw up. Unfortunately, Twilight only had ammonia in her stomach which had only served to make things even more painful.
In the end, Spike could only watch as his friend and caretaker ended up curling up into a ball into what would ultimately be a vain attempt to stave off the pain while sobbing and clutching at her head. Spike couldn’t make out a word she was saying thanks to the combination sobbing and slurred speech.
After skillfully dodging her flailing hooves, Spike had managed to get close enough to know that Twilight was close to dying: her heartbeat was slowing down at an alarming rate as was her breathing. In essence, it was essentially going to play out similarly to the bleach experiment. It wouldn’t be long before he would see the angel again. This statement turned out to be prophetic because as Twilight’s face turned blue and the labored breathing that she’d had ceased. A quick check on her chest told him that Twilight’s heart had stopped beating.
Before the dragon could do anything, he spotted the familiar golden light shining down on Twilight like a light to the heavens. He felt the familiar relief rush through him as he spotted the angel hover down and started working her magic.
She’d offered him a kind smile as she went to work. Even after watching her do this several times, Spike was still fascinated by the magic at work that brought Twilight back after one of their methods had proved lethal. He was surprised that he wasn’t taking notes so that they could imitate it later. Maybe it was out of fear. Maybe it was out of respect. It could also be that Spike had a very painful cramp and couldn’t be bothered to try to write it all down.
She offered him a polite nod before vanishing.
Twilight groaned as she slowly stood up.
“Ready for round two?” Spike asked, shaking the second bottle of ammonia. Twilight stared before leaning back, resigned. The things she did for science, she lamented as Spike pinched her nose shut as she raised the bottle to her lips yet again.
* * *
“Remind me never to do that again,” she mumbled wearily to Spike who nodded quickly. Now that his cramp was gone, he scribbled a note at the bottom of his notes for future reference. Another cursory look out the window told him it was quite late. He briefly wondered if Starlight was back yet but let the matter rest for now. Twilight, despite having just been revived still looked dead on her hooves. Spike suggested some food to which Twilight readily agreed.
If she was going to throw up again, it would at least be nice to have something to throw up. Dry heaving was awful.
It was the next day when the four reconvened in the throne room. Twilight and Spike told them about their misadventure into the Canterlot labs. Discord had revealed that he’d managed to find a manticore that they could use for a future method. Starlight had informed them that Fluttershy could not afford to let Harry out of her sight for the time being. Apparently, the large bear had had a nasty run in with some of the creatures in the Everfree forest and Fluttershy had to patch him up.
It’s probably for the best that we couldn’t get Harry anyway. Twilight observed after mulling over what Starlight had told them.
It seemed that bear mauling would have to wait until later.
In the meantime, she looked to Discord. “You mentioned being able to capture a manticore?”
“Oh yes!” he grinned cheerfully. “There was a whole nest of them in the Everfree forest. Seems they just love chaos so I decided to make them my minions!”
Normally, Twilight would have been more alarmed by this proclamation but as it happened to work in her favor, she didn’t bat an eye.
“I trust you’ve got them secure so they don’t ravage anyone else?” Twilight asked briskly.
Discord snorted. “Of course not! I’ve trained them to simply eat you! If you want to test being mauled by manticore, we can test that separately. I’ll need some time to train them to be able to do that on command.”
“Certainly, so are we ready to begin?” Twilight asked, hopping out of her seat. The others nodded and mimicked her. Discord was quick to lead the way to a small enclosure. They’d quickly realized that manticores were not the only thing Discord had been training.
They could see a pair of manticores in adjacent cages growling and hissing at each other. Further ahead, they spotted a hydra that seemed to be content with simply blowing raspberries at itself. Still further, they could see a pair of cocktrices playing what looked to be a game of jump rope.
Twilight suppressed a shiver. She’d remembered the last run-in she’d had with a cocktrice and anything she could do to avoid a future experience would be all the more welcome.
“Well,” Starlight started as they stared at the Manticore through the cage. “If we’re going to test getting eaten, I think the Moonshot Manticore Mouth Dive would be a pretty good way to do it. It worked for Trixie.”
“But where are we going to get a cannon?”
A faint popping noise gave them their answer. They stared at the beautiful blue cannon aimed right at the now alarmed manticore who’d started hissing and growling in response.
Twilight awkwardly shoved herself end first into the cannon while Discord had the interesting experience of readying the fuel while pointedly ignoring Twilight’s hindquarters. Her swishing tail made things more difficult as Discord slammed the lit shut and produced a match. He looked at the match and then at Spike. He tossed the match aside and teleported Spike to his side. The young dragon let out a small burst of green flame before rushing back to Starlight.
Starlight and Spike leaned forward from the safety of the former’s shield spell as they watched the flame burn away at the rest of the fuse. Any second now, and Twilight would by flying face first into the manticore’s mouth.
They’d looked at the manticore whose mouth was open eagerly. He was essentially getting a free three course meal!
They watched as Twilight flew out of the mouth of the cannon and hit the apex of her trajectory before falling like a rock right into the manticore’s mouth.
The manticore didn’t even bother with chewing, eager in his bid to eat the alicorn whole, he swallowed her up in one fell swoop.
It was here that the strangest thing happened: they could hear Twilight’s voice from inside the manticore’s stomach.
“It’s really dark in here,” she said, sounding not the least perturbed that she’d somehow survived or that she wasn’t bothered by her situation. “But I’ve always wanted to get a closer look a manticore’s organs.”
The three just shook their heads fondly as they watched the manticore lie on his back, moaning in pain. It was clear that Twilight’s newfound enthusiasm hadn’t been dimmed in lieu of a light as her magic had been sealed. They could tell that she was longing for a quill and some parchment if only to take notes on the whole experience.
Figuring that Twilight had had enough fun seeing all the fascinating insides of a manticore, Discord teleported her out. They’d all had to cover their noses of the putrid smell of manticore insides.
“Go take a shower, Twilight,” Spike said through a pinched nose. Twilight conceded after taking a quick whiff of herself. She had to agree and with that she trotted back to her castle. The other three gathered around to discuss what to do next.
“We’re going to have to repeat that,” Starlight murmured to Spike and Discord. “When the list says being eaten, chewing is expected as part of that definition and that manticore just swallowed Twilight whole.”
“Yes,” Discord agreed. “That one was always a bit of a showoff. I believe that one will require more training. However, we don’t have many other options as the rest of the manticores I have aren’t safe enough to have roaming openly as this one is.”
“Where are the rest of them?” Spike couldn’t help but ask, wanting to be involved in the conversation.
Rather than provide a verbal answer, Discord tore a hole in space and gestured for Spike to come forward. The dragon only had to take a couple steps to see and what he saw surprised him yet it didn’t surprise him.
It was a circus.
A circus filled with dangerous creatures performing acrobatics on tightropes.
Spike and Starlight who’d peered in curiously behind him both stared at Discord. He raised his arms and shrugged.
“I can’t exactly enslave ponies and make them my pets,” he explained. “And I doubt Fluttershy would appreciate me using her precious woodland creatures for my own nefarious purposes.” Starlight had to agree with that. She knew the pegasus would take offense to any perceived slight against her beloved animal friends. “So dangerous, ravenous creatures was the next best thing to get my fix. Besides,” he grinned toothily at them, “it’s not like they don’t get perks for being my precious circus performance group.”
Starlight was keen on learning more but before she could so much as ask a question, Twilight had returned squeaky clean. She was a little annoyed that she would have to repeat the experience of being eaten by a manticore if only because it defeated the purpose of bathing. Still, at least this time she was armed with a quill, parchment, and a flashlight. This time, she would get the information she craved.
Assuming she survived of course.
“Here goes,” she murmured, hopping into the cannon at Discord’s prompt. They hadn’t waited long before the cannon fired the flying-without-wings alicorn. They watched with looks equal parts morbid fascination and disgust as the manticore was forced to chew. He growled as he realized that he couldn’t chew through Twilight’s flesh.
That and her shrieks of protest were starting to get on his nerves.
It was here that the three spectators realized something: Twilight’s bones withstood a giant block of steel on top of her until her bones inevitably gave into the pressure. What chance did a predator’s teeth, however sharp, stand compared to that?
As it turned out, it didn’t stand at all. With the pressure the manticore was exerting on Twilight’s skin leading to puncture wounds, it made no headway with actually tearing through Twilight’s flesh. In the end, he gave up and simply swallowed her whole. It didn’t help that on closer inspection, his teeth were now in pieces.
“Is it wrong that I feel bad for the manticore?” Starlight asked, picking up the pieces. Before anyone could say anything, Discord had already repaired the manticore’s teeth which now shone a bright white.
“There,” he said simply. “Good as new.”
Throughout all of this, Twilight had gotten familiar with the circulatory system of a manticore. She’d even gotten to sketch what a manticore heart looked! All in all, it had been a very good day. She hadn’t even been opposed to doing it three more times! It just meant more chances to learn about manticores!
As Twilight found herself patiently enduring the unpleasant sensation of being a manticore chew toy, Starlight and the others wondered aloud whether they should be worried about Twilight’s endless curiosity. Their concern was justified as Twilight brought a camera along for her next run.
Once it was clear that being eaten by a manticore was not going to kill Twilight, Discord decided to pull the plug. It was clear that they would be here all day unless they dragged Twilight away from the manticore.
Twilight grinned as she sifted meticulously through her stacks of notes. While surprised that being eaten by a manticore had done more damage to the manticore’s jaws than it had to her, Twilight was nonetheless pleased for the opportunity to be able to get a closer look at a manticore’s insides. It had been something of a fascinating case study to be able to see how a manticore differed from any other creature she’d studied.
Twilight wondered vaguely whether Fluttershy would be interested in her findings.
On the subject of dangerous animals, Twilight had noticed the cocktrice and the hydra: both of whom she’d had past unpleasant experiences dealing with them. Now that she’d collect a bounty of information on manticores, Twilight was tempted to ask Discord if she could be mauled by his hydra.
At the very least, she’d be able to get an idea of their claws sharpness while she was being mauled.
Plus she remembered seeing it on their list of things to try to test whether or not they were lethal to Twilight...
101 Ways to Potentially Kill an Alicorn
Author's Note
For those of you who don't know, I've compiled the suggestions that everyone has proposed through the comments onto a blog which can be found here .
All that said, please enjoy and continue to offer suggestions both for ideas and for improvement.
Death Attempts: 31 - 40
“Is it wrong that I’m terrified about being decapitated?” Twilight asked, eyeing the guillotine fearfully. She could feel herself starting to weep in abject terror at the prospect of her head being removed from her body.
“No,” said Starlight sympathetically, patting Twilight’s back in what she hoped was a reassuring way. “I’m not even the one being decapitated and I’m scared just looking at this thing.” At this, she failed to suppress a fearful shiver at the sight of the shiny metal blade just waiting to fall.
It was here that Starlight remembered their previous encounter with all manner of metal weapons. She remembered that stabbing or slashing had done nothing to harm Twilight.
Well… Starlight thought wryly as she moved off to the side. At least it’ll be unlikely that Twilight will die via decapitation. She paused, staring up at the contraption. At least by a guillotine. She amended. Even with this newfound reassurance, Starlight still feared for Twilight’s survival at the non-existent hands of this decapitation contraption.
Spike had hidden his face in Starlight’s coat. It was clear that he couldn’t stand to watch his friend lose her head, figuratively or literally. Regardless, Starlight decided that it was probably for the best that Spike didn’t watch and pressed the back of his head further into her coat with her tail.
“Ready when you are!” Discord chimed in, holding the rope taut. Anything less than top speed would only lessen the validity of their results. Twilight stared up at the blade intensely before gulping and looking back to Discord with a nod.
Feeling generous and deciding that the blade should not be the last thing she see when she potentially died, Discord produce a blindfold charmed to show her images of her friends. She’d been so enamored with seeing them again that she hadn’t even noticed when the blade made its rapid descent with her neck as the destination.
She was so absorbed in the fond memories she shared with her friends that she failed to hear the gasps from Starlight and Discord who in retrospect shouldn’t have been surprised at all. It was only when Discord pried the cloth from Twilight’s eyes did she get to see how her decapitation played out.
She looked down.
She saw part of the blade now in the slot below her and the rest still in the front of her neck. She’d also noticed that even though she had metal in her body, it didn’t feel like anything and there was no sign of a wound or any sort of damage of any kind.
“What…” Twilight trailed off, stunned. Her stupefied expression didn’t last much longer as stunned was readily exchanged for relief. Sweet glorious divine relief. She could hear Spike rushing toward her and tackling her into a hug. A small smile flitted across her face as she patted Spike’s head.
“You’re okay, Spike,” she murmured. She looked to Discord and Starlight for an explanation despite having a suspicion on why she’d survived.
“Remember when I tried killing you with all those weapons back when we were first starting out?” Starlight asked. Twilight reminded. She vividly recalled Starlight trying to kill her with all manner of weaponry ranging from swords to knives to axes and everything in between. Curiously enough, while they all certainly went through her, they hadn’t caused even the slightest bit of pain or some form of a wound.
“And then there was that time where I put you in front of the cannon of cutlery,” Discord added. Twilight also vividly remembered that instance. What stood out to her most that time was being able to get one over on Discord who had grumbled when he was certain no one was watching. That was to say nothing of her apprehension of standing in front of a cannon that was not one of Pinkie’s party cannons.
“I also remember we came to the conclusion after all that testing, we were able to conclude that conventional metal wouldn’t be able to put a scratch on you, Twilight,” Spike added helpfully, essentially summing up everything everybody had been thinking.“I suppose you’re right,” Twilight grinned.
“Now that we’ve established that Twilight is apparently immune to conventional metals. Shall we put a spin on this fancy thing?” Discord asked. The two ponies and the lone dragon stared up at him, wondering what he could possibly have in mind.
* * *
It was half an hour later and they were all back where they had started: Twilight was laying underneath the guillotine while Discord and Starlight watched with the latter taking notes. Spike, having learned of the outcome of the first run-through, had mustered enough courage to watch the second one.
There was a couple major differences between these next attempts vs the previous ones.
The first being that they’d switched out the blade. Instead of using a metal blade for the guillotine, they decided to go with a stone one. It had at least been able to wound Twilight superficially when Discord shot her with stone tipped arrows. The second had been that they’d altered the height of the guillotine. After all, stone and metal traveled at different speeds when at terminal velocity.
Twilight and Starlight had done the calculations and Discord had been able to modify the guillotine accordingly.
Having been through the experience several times up to this point, Twilight confidently placed her head in the guillotine’s path.
“Ready when you are!” Twilight called to Discord who nodded and let go of the rope once he’d replaced the blindfold over Twilight’s eyes.
Unlike last time when Twilight didn’t feel a thing, she let out a yelp of pain when the blade connected with her neck. She’d also heard a faint crack but paid it little mind. Starlight and Discord checked over the damage while Spike pulled the blindfold from Twilight’s eyes.
“How bad is it?” Twilight couldn’t help but ask fearfully.
“It’s actually not that bad,” Starlight replied. “Just like with the arrows, the guillotine only managed to break your skin. Since the guillotine only had gravity to help with acceleration while the arrows had more from Discord being able to draw the bow back further for more speed, the guillotine actually did less damage than the arrows.”
“On the other hand, you ended up cracking the guillotine when it connected!” said Spike eagerly. “I mean, it makes sense: the stone wasn’t able to go through you so that energy was going to have to go somewhere , right?”
After four more attempts with the same results, they were able to call it definitively. Twilight was definitely not going to die should someone try to decapitate her via guillotine.
“If we’re going to test this, we’re not going to use the Friendship Express or the Crystal Empire’s train,” said Twilight firmly when being run over by a train had been proposed.
“Lucky for us that I happen to own a train of my own then!” said Discord cheerfully. “But we’ll have to go to my place if we’re going to test it.” The silent nods of agreement he received were all the approval he needed as he snapped his fingers and conjured a door. They watched as it slowly creaked open. Discord offered a short bow before hopping through.
Spike, Twilight, and Starlight exchanged wary looks before following Discord’s lead.
Unlike previous visits in which they would have been forced to drift through nothingness until they stumbled onto Discord’s quaint house purely by accident, this time they had the pleasure of meeting solid ground right off the bat. What they saw could only be described as something out of one of Pinkie’s dreams.
Starlight couldn’t quite help herself as she dipped a hoof curiously in brown river. “Is this…”
“Chocolate pudding,” Discord nodded from his place above them. “This proves that you can have your pudding and eat it too.”
Rather than argue about the legitimacy of an adage - she’d lose - Twilight asked about the whereabouts of Discord’s train. He’d pointed vaguely in the direction of where the train was located. As they turned to look in the direction indicated, they could see the beginnings of train tracks starting to form. As the tracks solidified, they could hear the familiar sound of train traveling along the tracks.
“Wow…” Spike marveled as the train drew closer. Indeed, it was quite the impressive sight with it’s sleek design. Each train car was a different color of the rainbow.
“As an homage to you magic of friendship and all that,” said Discord when he spotted Twilight’s eyes burning with unasked questions. “So are you ready to be tied to train tracks while a train runs you over? It’ll be just like those westerns Applejack is so fond of!”
* * *
They’d tied Twilight’s limbs, sealed her magic, and tied her to the tracks. Twilight could hear her heart pounding like a drum in her ears as she listened to Discord explain the setup planned. All in all it was quite simple: she, Twilight, would be tied to the tracks, Discord would be operating the train, and Spike and Starlight would be off to the side tracking the train’s speed and running the calculations on how much force would be at work.
When asked why this was necessary, they’d shrugged and said, “For the sake of completeness.”
With that all the loose ends were all tied up. Twilight had nothing meaningful to say and so everyone got into position armed with their communication devices as they watched Discord fire up the engine of his train.
Without any sort of countdown, Discord’s train, like any other train, started moving slowly but unlike any other train, the rate at which it picked up speed was far more impressive than an ordinary train. “I like trains!” He yelled for no reason.
By the time he could see Twilight, he knew that there was little he could do to stop the train barring making it disappear altogether. If he did that though, it would defeat the purpose of this entire operation. While he contemplated this, he heard a loud crunching sound coming from beneath his train. Realizing, that he’d just run Twilight over, he quickly pulled the brake and dove out the window to see what had happened. He could already see Spike and Starlight rushing over to inspect the damage.
“I’m okay!” said a battered and bruised Twilight raising a foreleg weakly as Spike went to work untying her.
* * *
“I feel like I shouldn’t be surprised by this anymore,” Starlight remarked as she watched Spike rub the salve all over Twilight. She watched in fascination as all her injuries rapidly healed themselves. “But I still find myself surprised that you survived, Twilight.”
“I know I’m not,” said Spike dryly. After tossing the container of salve aside, he turned to Starlight. “Not including the fact that Twilight survived all manner of blunt force trauma, we already ran the calculations and we both concluded that Twilight would have likely survived this whole thing. That train was traveling at maybe fifty miles per hour before it hit her and that’s not nearly as fast as those boulders we dropped on her were.
“Also,” he continued, pulling out some of Starlight’s notes, “Where Twilight was tied up to the tracks would be more akin to causing paralysis, as nothing vital was in the way of the train.”
With this in mind, Discord had decided to have the train travel a twice the speed as the first test.
Unsurprisingly, the results remained the same. The only difference was that in addition to being battered and bruised, Twilight was almost certain she’d concussed herself during that last test. They had repeated their fifty and one hundred mile per hour tests several times just to be sure and sure enough Twilight had survived each time. Since one hundred miles per hour happened to be the fastest that Discord could go without the train careening off the tracks, they had decided they would call it and put it to rest.
“I think that this one is a pretty simple one, Twilight,” said Spike, pointing to one method: salt. It was just the two of them currently in the throne room. Starlight and Discord were busy conducting some small scale experiments for some of other methods they were going to test later.
“How would you want to go about testing this, Spike?” Twilight asked curiously.
“We could do it the same way that we did bleach or ammonia,” Spike proposed. “Mix the salt with water and then chug it down.”
“It’s a good idea but there’s just one problem,” Twilight pointed out, “how would we know for sure that it was the salt that ends up killing me and not the water. Remember, we’ve proven that if I drink enough water, it can kill me too.”
“Oh yeah…” Spike murmured, dejected. Twilight raised his head up to meet his green eyes while smiling gently at him.
“It was a good idea but we just need to go about it a little differently,” she said kindly.
* * *
It had taken a fair bit of brainstorming but with the combined brainpower of the pair of them, they had come up with a very simple solution: simply consume salt by way of simply consuming tablespoons of salt. It helped that there was a precedent for salt in excess being lethal; Twilight had uncovered several reports of other ponies dying simply for consuming too many salty foods too quickly and that led to their demise. Before Twilight could start eating some salt herself, they had to do some math first.
First things first: they needed Twilight’s weight. After gathering that bit of information, Twilight and Spike had done the math and had determined that three quarters of a gram to three grams of salt per kilogram of body mass would be enough to kill. They’d also determined that a tablespoon worth of salt is about fifteen grams. Once they’d done on all the calculations, making sure to triple check along the way, they stared at the boxed number at the bottom.
“...We’re going to need more salt,” said Twilight, stunned. Spike could only nod as he hopped from his seat to acquire said salt.
* * *
They stared at the freshly opened bag of salt that stood proudly on the table before them. Much like its ammonia and bleach brethren before, Twilight could feel it taunting her. She knew this to be irrational but had to suppress the urge to blast it with her magic despite herself.
“Whenever you’re ready, Twilight,” said Spike, scooping several tablespoons out for her convenience. He strongly suspected that once they started, Twilight was going to be too focused on swallowing the salt to pay attention to scooping it out. Before she started, she reminded him that the standard procedure still applied: no trying to rescue her.
“To science,” she said, raising the spoon in her grip. Spike, holding an empty spoon of his own tapped it gently against Twilight’s before the mare swallowed her spoonful whole. Spike could tell just by looking at her that it had been far from a friendly experience. Nonetheless, he watched as she picked up the next spoon and pressed on just the same.
]This went on for what felt like hours for the young dragon who’d have to scoop more salt out for her as Twilight finished the first set of five without significant struggle.
It wasn’t until she swallowed the sixth spoonful did she start to protest. He pointedly ignored her protests for water as he forced a seventh spoonful down her throat. It was here that he noticed the swelling in the joints of her wings and her legs. A brief glimpse into her eyes told him that they had started to fog over, not from a vision problem but from a brain fog of sorts.
If that hadn’t been enough to give it away, the slurred speech and senseless mumbling certain had. A quick consultation of the meters and gauges that Spike had installed before the testing started told him her blood pressure was up and that she had already started to develop all manner of stomach ulcers.
As he watched her slump to the ground after the tenth spoonful, he quickly checked her vitals. The lack of a heart rate and pulse had been enough to confirm her death.
In case that hadn’t been enough to prove her death, the angel’s arrival was irrefutable proof as she went about casting the spells needed to revive Twilight.
Offering a gentle nod to Spike, she disappeared.
Once Twilight was back on her legs. Spike said, “I think we can say that excessive salt consumption can kill you, Twilight.”
Twilight could only silently agree after they had repeated their experiment several more times, and punctuated it by drinking almost as much water as previously killed her.
“Well it is that time year so it’s fitting that we’re trying this now,” Twilight observed as they stood in the throne room, the list methods they’ve yet to try held aloft.
“I never really understood the point of tornadoes,” Starlight thought aloud. “I mean from what I’ve seen, they’ve only caused mayhem and destruction to whatever they touch.”
“Here in Ponyville, the pegasi create a tornado to draw water from the lake into the cloud factory in Cloudsdale,” Twilight explained. “Even ignoring that, the ‘rogue’ tornadoes that occasionally form throughout Equestria help maintain biodiversity and can distribute all manner of nutrients via soil and spreading seeds for new plants to sprout that would have otherwise been blocked by mountains or oceans and that’s to say nothing of changing the environment so other plants get a chance to thrive.”
Starlight looked thoughtful as she mulled Twilight’s answer in her head. While she did that, Spike wondered aloud just how they were going to make a tornado without any pegasi to help. Twilight had quickly pointed out that she could fly and create the tornado that they needed.
“Would you even have enough wingpower to pull that off?” Starlight asked incredulously.
“I don’t know,” Twilight admitted. “But we can at least give it a go. Maybe Discord can help by boosting whatever I can create and build a tornado off of that.”
“Sure,” Discord shrugged. “I mean, it’s not even that difficult. All I’d have to do is make up the difference to whatever Twilight can’t do on her own. If we want this to have a high chance of Twilight dying, we’re going to need to make sure this tornado is going as fast possible.”
“Well if we’re going to do that, we should probably have it somewhere deserted,” Starlight suggested. “We don’t want anyone else getting hurt or figuring out what it is that we’re doing out there in the first place.”
“Agreed,” said Discord. “The fewer questions we have to deal with, the better.”
“Didn’t we already have a place set up for stuff like this?” Spike asked. “I think it was somewhere in the desert…”
* * *
“Good memory, Spike,” Starlight complimented as they set up their anemometer.
“Thanks!” he beamed. Turning to Twilight, he gestured for her to get into the air after arming her with a pendant that would allow them to watch everything she did in real time. As she did as she was told, Discord gestured for her to fly as quickly as she could. All in all, it went quite well, she’d flown at speeds comparable to that of Rainbow Dash. Yet even still, that still wasn’t enough to create a tornado.
After doing the calculations, Starlight relayed the information to Discord who’d been able to make up the difference that Twilight was unable to produce thus allowing them all to create the large vortex that had quickly tore up the desert of what was left of its resources.
“I am almost feel bad about this!” Starlight screeched over the howling winds as she, Spike, and Discord took cover in their underground bunker while they watched them mayhem unfold. They silently agreed. Even being in the heavily reinforced bunker and safe in the knowledge that it had been tested for these exact conditions, they couldn’t help the shiver of fear that shot up their spines as they watched the tornado ravage anything in its path.
Meanwhile, Twilight stood bravely in the path of the tornado as it hurtled toward her. She could feel her mane and tail fly about in every direction. It was nothing short of a miracle that the two hundred and thirty mile per hour winds hadn’t tossed her aside like a rag doll. It was even more impressive when one considered she had nothing to anchor herself to before the tornado struck.
Instead of the instant death or bone breakages she expected upon contact with the force five winds, Twilight found herself instead riding those winds. Rather than let out a shriek of horror at her situation, Twilight couldn’t help but feel exhilarated. Twilight finally understood the thrill Dash got every time she flew and she couldn’t help but feel the same way as her friend despite the irrationality.
With neither her flying nor Discord’s magic to maintain the powerful tornado, the winds began to slow and eventually settled into a breeze. Twilight had slowly descended to the ground with a faint thud . Nearby, the others rushed out of the bunker to meet her.
Once Twilight had recounted her experience riding in the tornado and explaining why she was skeptical that it would kill her, Discord proposed that they ramp it up.
“Just to see if there’s some sort of upper limit involved. After all, we’ve already warded the desert off to prevent anybody from coming here,” he explained. Seeing no reason to refuse, Twilight agreed and took off yet again.
Much like before, she felt the rush of desert air rush past her face as she flew. It wasn’t anything like the tropical breezes she’d experienced previously but she’d take what she could get. It wasn’t long before Discord’s magic went into effect as the winds Twilight produced swirled faster and faster to produce the powerful tornado they’d seen just half an hour prior. The only difference this time around was that while the previous tornado matched the wind speed of the fastest tornadoes in recorded history, this new had set the new record for highest achieved wind speed.
Twilight silently hoped for an award for this achievement once this was all over. It was this thought that floated through her head as she stood in the way this new tornado. Much like last time, her mane and tail billowed in every direction, perhaps even more wildly, were such a thing possible. Much like last time, she soon found herself caught up in the thick of the winds. Much like last time, she had been able to, albeit with much more effort this time, recover and instead ride the winds before the magic behind them dissipate.
After confirming her version of events with the one that the others had witnessed, they had decided to try multiple tornadoes to see how Twilight would fare against those.
As it turned out, she had managed well against them in much the same way she had with the individual tornadoes.
“Do you think we could turn this into a ride for younger ponies?” Discord wondered as they packed away their equipment after confirming with multiple trials that Twilight wasn’t going to die by way of a tornado. “Twilight seemed to rather enjoy herself after getting over the shock of being caught in a tornado.”
Twilight hummed thoughtfully. “It’d have to be a lot slower than these since we don’t want them getting hurt but outside of that, I can’t see why not.”
That aside, they’d since determined that Twilight wasn’t going to die by way of a tornado.
“Wait…” Spike stopped. “I don’t think that just incredibly heavy winds are anything that can kill.”
“What do you mean?” Starlight asked.
“I think I get it.” Twilight said. “I was the only thing in those tornadoes. Under normal circumstances, they’d be picking up debris, and there’s the sudden stop at the end of the fall for non-pegasi.”
“Well, we already tested both!” Discord pointed out. “What’s next?”
“This one is actually quite common when ponies are looking to commit suicide,” said Twilight grimly. “That’s why I think it’d be wise if we tested this since we have the conditions needed to do so.”
“The setup is pretty simple for a case such as this,” Starlight explained. “In most of the cases we’ve read, it’s usually the victim swallows the full bottle of vitamins.” She raised the container in question before gesturing to the other containers of varying sizes.
“Since the reports indicate a different number of vitamins being consumed before the victim dies, we decided we would take the three most common volumes and vitamin types and match them,” Starlight explained. “We’ve managed to acquire five bottles of each size class to cover our bases.”
“Now it’ll just be a matter for me to try each and see what happens,” Twilight replied, nodding to the numerous bottles on the table.
Before they could do anything, however, they needed to get Twilight’s baseline vitals as a point of comparison to anything else that they might observe during the test. Once they’d gotten all her vitals, Twilight soon found herself hooked up to all manner of gauges as she’d been previously. She didn’t need to ask as she spotted the various monitors hovering around her three friends, two of whom were armed with notepads and quills while Discord had armed himself with a pair of binoculars, ready to dictate anything and everything that happened.
“I’ll start with vitamin A,” said Twilight. “Be sure to keep track of time and whether there is some sort of relationship between how many pills I consume and how quickly I die if I happen to die.”
Without waiting for a response, Twilight raised the first bottle filled with thirty tablets of vitamin A supplements. Once she’d emptied the bottle and swallowed the glass of water next to it, she tossed the now empty bottle unceremoniously into the nearest trash bin.
Twilight quickly found the light far more blinding than it had been previously. To respond, she had taken to squinting or covering her face. At the same time, she could feel her eyes burn and her head aching. She’d only been standing for a few minutes but it had felt like hours and she could already feel fatigue setting in alongside the muscle weakness and joint pain.
Plopping herself unceremoniously on the ground, Twilight grimaced as she paced irritably around the testing space before rushing over to the chamber pot they’d brought in for her needs. Even with her loosened bowels, Twilight still had enough presence of mind to close to curtains as she answered nature’s impatient call.
When she came out, they let out gasps of alarm as Discord dictated what he saw.
“Looks like she’s lost a chunk of her mane and tail since she went in,” he told them, “probably half her coat’s red from her scratching it. Increased urination since this probably the third time Twilight’s used the restroom this hour. I wouldn’t rule out diarrhea or constipation given the frequency. She also seems really irritated… well more than she usually is anyway. I can also see signs of eye irritation given the way she’s constantly rubbing at them and increased light sensitivity.”
Before Discord say anymore, Twilight felt the familiar chill travel up her body. She could feel her heart thumping far more violently and felt a spasm of pain surge through her. As the cold crept ever closer as her vision blurred to black.
The others rushed toward her and checked her vitals.
Twilight was dead. But not for long as they spotted the familiar golden light of the angel descended down to grace them with her presence. They watched as she went about casting her spells and healing all the damage the vitamins had done while shaking her head. Whether it was from amusement or incredulity, it was difficult to say.
In any case, the angel nodded before disappearing before Twilight woke up again and unsteadily clambered to her hooves. She let out a piteous moan when she spotted the remaining forty four bottles waiting for consumption.
“Hopefully it’ll be quick.”
As it turned out, it was quick. Or at least quicker. The smallest bottles had all killed her unsurprisingly. However, those had killed her slowly and painfully if the symptoms had been any indication.They had tested each of the three vitamins of choice: A, D, and E and hadn’t determined any relationship between vitamin type and death. As they proceeded to progressively larger bottles of each vitamin, Twilight’s death occurred more swiftly. Something Twilight had been grateful for if the lack of injury had been any indication.
By the time they’d gotten to their largest bottles, it seemed that Twilight would drop dead within minutes of consuming the vitamin tablets.
“I think we can call it now,” said Twilight weakly after being revived for the forty fifth time during the testing. “Vitamins A, D, and E can most certainly kill an alicorn.” They left the acetaminophen and prescription tranquilizers untouched, though Twilight did surreptitiously take 5 aspirins to use between tests.
“This one is actually quite interesting,” Twilight observed as she read it off the list. The others peered over to read for themselves.
“How is being boiled alive interesting?” Spike asked.
“Well, Spike, it’s interesting because it places two contrasting elements in the same environment,” Twilight lectured. “And they’re both elements we’ve already tested.”
“Fire and water,” Starlight supplied helpfully. Twilight nodded her approval.
“Exactly,” she nodded. “We already know that I don’t sustain injury from being set on fire or being tossed into a pool of lava. On the flip side, I’ve died by way of drowning and drinking too much water.”
“When you put it that way, it does seem interesting,” Starlight admitted.
“So how exactly does one die by being boiled alive?” Spike asked curiously. “I mean, most hot baths I’ve been in are actually really relaxing. I know that the spa has a hot tub as well for much the same thing.”
“There’s a difference between comfortably warm and scalding,” Twilight reminded him. “Remember that time when we first moved into the Golden Oaks library and I drank all that hot sauce by mistake?”
How could he forget? Spike remembered that incident fondly if only because it was one of the few times Twilight mixed such a mistake. He also remembered it fondly because he remembered the steam gushing out of Twilight’s ears and the fire searing out of her mouth afterward. He’d made sure to burn that into his memory forever. He’d noticed Starlight and Discord’s interested expressions and made a mental note to tell them about it later.
“But what does that have to do with anything?”
“With how hot that hot sauce was, I thought I’d scalded my tongue with it,” Twilight explained. “The idea is essentially the same here. Just instead of my tongue, it’ll be all of me.”
“Oh…” Spike uttered as the explanation sunk in.
“So just to sum things up, the idea that we’re going to test is whether the scalding can cause enough damage to my tissues that it would constitute a lethal wound,” said Twilight.
“So what would constitute a lethal wound here?” Starlight asked. “I want to know what to look for.” Twilight had gone on to explain that any third or fourth degree burns sustained would be considered lethal.
“So how do you want to go about setting this up, Twilight?” Starlight asked curiously. “I have a couple ideas in mind if you’d like to hear them…”
* * *
Starlight’s proposed setup, much like most every setup they’d had up to this point, was incredibly simple. They would place a large black cauldron on top of a metal grate which was placed over a fire.
“It’ll be like warming a pot of tea over a stove,” Starlight had said while she, Twilight, and Spike built their rig.
Discord had decided to take things a step further by way of including a variety of liquids. The most common ways to die by boiling included water and oil. Figuring this would be good but still not enough for his eccentric tastes, he’d included tar, a black substance derived from coal or wood used to coat the hulls of ships, and tallow, a type of animal fat that would be a liquid when boiled and was often used in soaps.
It would still be interesting to see how Twilight would fair against their assorted liquids of doom.
“Let’s start with our arbitrarily defined control: water,” Starlight suggested. “From what I’ve read when doing research on this, most Equestrian executions that featured being boiled alive were typically done in water.”
“Why’s that?” Spike asked curiously as he and Starlight went about pouring bucket after bucket of water into the large cauldron.
“Well mainly because oil and tar weren’t as readily available back in those days,” Starlight explained grimly. “Plus it wasn’t exactly the quickest way to die so that’s why it was seldom used. That’s also why there are so few cases of it in Equestrian history as there were plenty of dark spells widely available then that could do the job quick and clean but those have since been outlawed by the princesses in favor of more merciful methods.”
“Huh…” Spike mused as he tossed aside the bucket after filling the cauldron up. “Learn something new every day.”
* * *
“I’m ready whenever you are!” Twilight called, hovering over the mouth of the cauldron while eyeing it warily. Discord gave a nod as Spike set the wood and coal on fire, prompting Twilight to hop into the cauldron. She’d let out a yelp of surprise at the cold water before sighing in relief as she felt the water warm via the fire.
“This is nice,” she sighed, leaning back against the cauldron and stretching her legs out. “This feels like a spa but without the herbs or sweet scents.”
“If you wanted sweet scents, I can arrange for that,” said Discord, producing an air freshener and spraying it all around the cauldron. Twilight coughed as she accidentally inhaled some of it before waving the rest away.
While Discord continued applying his sweet scents, Starlight and Spike had huddled around a crystal that let them keep track of the temperature without having to get close to the fire. Just as well, the fire was roaring at well over one hundred and twenty degrees cantergrade and the hissing and spitting was a suitable deterrent from their approach.
“I think we’re going to need to turn up the heat if we want to get any sort of result,” Spike suggested, watching as the water temperature climbed higher and higher. Despite this, Twilight did not seem the least bit concerned. In fact, she’d even unfurled her wings and had taken to cleaning them in the boiling water. What’s more was that she sighed in delight with each application.
It was half an hour later that Starlight and Spike approached the cauldron to take a peak. After Starlight dispelled the steam, much to Twilight’s irritation, they were able to get a closer look. As it turned out, once she climbed out of the bath, the only difference about her was that she was incredibly wet thanks to the boiling water.
“It actually felt like something out of the spa,” she replied when Starlight had asked how she’d felt during the test. She looked down at her now pruny hooves. “It was probably best that I got out when I did. I don’t think it would have ended very well if I stayed any longer.”
Starlight, noticing Twilight’s longing glance back at the cauldron, smiled and offered that once this was all send and done, they could all have a spa day and enjoy the nice hot tub there. This seemed to be the right thing to say as Twilight’s demeanor brightened at the mention of the hot tub and gratefully accepted the towel to dry off.
“So what’s next?”
“Oil.”
The disgusted grimace that made its way onto Twilight’s face at the mention made Spike and Starlight laugh as they led her to a new cauldron. Unlike the last cauldron, this one was filled with inky black oil. Discord grinned, nodding as Twilight reluctantly hopped in once they’d lit the fire. Twilight shivered: the oil felt far less pleasant than the water had been. She could already tell that she would be in for a far less pleasant experience.
As it turned out, Twilight’s observation was prophetic: the oil had finally started to feel warm but it hadn’t felt nearly as soothing as the water did. It certainly didn’t help that it smelled awful either. Discord, Spike, and Starlight shared similar sentiments despite having the reprieve of a makeshift bunker to hide inside.
It was another several minutes before the oil had finally started to boil but despite this, Twilight still didn’t enjoy the feeling of warm oil on her body anymore than she enjoyed the cooler oil. Twilight suspected that were it one of those body oils Rarity often used, it might have been marginally more enjoyable but it wasn’t so now she was stuck grumbling about sitting in a cauldron of oil.
Plus the smell was starting to agitate her now.
* * *
“Well we’ve consistently at the boiling point for the oil for the past half hour now,” Discord remarked, watching Twilight grumble, forelegs crossed as she sat in the cauldron. “She doesn’t seem any different that she did going in.”
“I wish we could have charmed the cauldron so that we could see what was going on inside the cauldron,” Starlight groaned. “It would be much less work than having Twilight get out and get back in again.
“Obviously Twilight’s not enjoying herself in boiling oil but obviously we can tell that she’s suffering any lasting injuries from her stay in the oil, right?” Spike asked. “We should probably check to make sure that she didn’t get scalded by the oil.
With a consensus in hand, the three ducked out of the bunker equipped with face masks to block out the putrid smell of boiling oil to rescue Twilight. Twilight had been delighted to hear the test was finished and with help from Starlight and Discord, Twilight was pulled out of the cauldron. She grimaced at her normally lavender coat now black because of the oil.
“That’s just disgusting,” she grimaced, producing a bar of soap and began scrubbing frantically at the oil to get it off. Discord took pity on her and magicked the oil away. A quick cursory inspection told them that Twilight hadn’t been injured during their second round of testing. Twilight beamed up at the draconequus in thanks before asking what was left.
“Just tallow and tar,” Spike listed off.
“Let’s do tar first,” said Twilight quickly. “The sooner I get through it, the sooner I’ll never have to look at the stuff again.”
“Sounds good to me,” Discord nodded as he went off to procure the tar they’d needed. This left Twilight, Starlight, and Spike to set up for the next round of experimentation.
* * *
They’d already set up the new cauldron over the metal grate and the fire when Discord returned with a large vat of tar walking behind him. It was equal parts entertaining and disturbing as they watched the vat float of its own free will and pour its contents into the cauldron. They heard a faint hiss coming from the cauldron and Twilight silently nodded before climbing into the cauldron.
To her surprise, the smell of the tar was more pleasant than that of the oil. Rather the pungent oil she’d attributed to oil, Twilight was pleasantly surprised to smell a scent of pine trees and soap.
I could definitely get used to this, Twilight thought happily, taking in the scent as leaned back against the cauldron. It smells really nice.
Meanwhile, Discord, Starlight, and Spike watched from a distance as they watched their friend hum a merry tune as she allowed herself to relax in the cauldron of murky brown substance. Even from their distance they could also pick up the faint smell of pine and soap.
“It does smell nicer than the oil did,” Starlight remarked, smiling lightly. “I guess it also helps that the tar itself is not exactly dangerous. By the way,” she turned to Discord, “where did you get the tar?”
Discord shrugged. He’d simply conjured it like he conjured everything else he'd needed. He never really thought about it more than that. After all, what was the point of doing such a thing?
“Well it’s already pretty clear that Twilight’s not suffering injuries lasting or otherwise from the tar,” said Starlight cautiously as they pulled her out of the cauldron half an hour later and checking her over for injuries and sighing in relief when there were none. “Either that or she has an absurdly high pain tolerance.”
“That second option wouldn’t be a stretch given what she gets up to on a regular basis,” Discord added helpfully. “And that’s not even taking into account all the ways we’ve tested to kill her so far.”
“Anyway,” Twilight interrupted, embarrassed. “Let’s just finish with the tallow and be done with it!”
“You got it, Twi!” Spike saluted.
* * *
“Hey Starlight, what’s tallow?” Spike couldn’t help but ask as he and Starlight put the finishing touches on their fire.
“I think the best way to describe it,” Starlight began, “is to think of it as an ingredient in some types of soaps and candles. It’s made of fat and helps get oily stuff off your claws.”
That simple answer seemed to be enough to satisfy Spike as he lit the flame to heat the solid tallow into a liquid.
“Whenever you’re ready Twilight,” Spike called. Twilight nodded as she climbed into the cauldron and heaved a sigh.
“It feels kinda weird. It feels like walking around in milk,” Twilight remarked, moving around slowly in the substance. “It does smell like my favorite soap though.”
They allowed her to settle into relax in the cauldron. Much like the previous experiences, half an hour later found them checking Twilight only to see that she’d looked sparkly clean. This led to Discord teasing her about her name. Teasing that Twilight had long since learned to simply take into stride.
While Discord amused himself, Twilight turned to Starlight and Spike and said, “I think that we can safely say that being boiled alive is definitely not going to kill me.”
“How would loud music kill you, Twilight?” Spike couldn’t help but ask when Twilight suggested it to them.
“It’s possible in theory but no one’s been crazy enough to try it until now,” said Twilight defensively. “If the sound is loud enough, it can cause an air embolism in my lungs which could travel to my heart and kill me. Alternative, the high air pressure emitted as a result of loud music could cause my lungs to burst.”
This gave the power of music a whole new, deadly meaning. Spike suspected that he’d be steering clear of Ponyville next time they broke into a town wide musical on the fly. The fact that they were able to break into song at the smallest provocation was more than a little unsettling but Spike had learned to take it into stride. He’d frustrate himself trying to figure it all out otherwise.
Nonetheless, there were still other questions he wanted answered before they went forward.
“So then my next question is what’s an air embolism?”
It was Starlight who answered before Twilight could so much as open her mouth. There was little doubt in her mind that Twilight’s answer would have been unnecessarily long winded. “It’s basically where air bubbles that could be produced through the loud music create blood clots and lead to blockages. In the end, it’s the blood deprivation that leads to death.”
“We might as well test both ways,” said Twilight thoughtfully. “But where are we going to find someone with a loud enough music system?”
Discord cleared his throat and looked at Twilight meaningfully. A snap of his fingers later and the largest stereo system they’d ever seen stood proudly before them. Spike remembered seeing a similar model at Cranky and Matilda’s wedding when all that pandemonium happened. He shook his head. It had been a nice change of pace and at least he didn’t have to fight the bugbear.
They all stared at him in askance. Discord shrugged.
“Just because Fluttershy is my best friend doesn’t mean I don’t hang out with other ponies. Vinyl recommended this model to me,” he explained briskly. “It’s not as portable as Vinyl’s is but it is more powerful.”
The suspicion disappeared and a look of cautious excitement replaced it as the two ponies and lone dragon moved closer to get a better look. It was clear just from a cursory glance, the stereo would fit the bill perfectly.
* * *
“Should we play a song or just have a tone of some kind to induce some sort air embolism?” Starlight asked.
“Well given that the list called it loud music, I would think that a song of some sort would be most appropriate,” Twilight replied, surrounding herself with the large speakers.
“Coming up with a song should be easy for you two, right?” Discord asked curiously. “I mean, you ponies seem to break into song at the drop of a hat anyway.”
Starlight and Twilight cast their minds to the songs they’d sung in the time they’d lived in Ponyville. There were a lot of them as it turned out. It was soon decided that the two was simply pick one at random and sing it together. After all, ponies sang at the smallest provocation.
In any case, Spike rigged Twilight up to crystal that allowed them to take note of any abnormalities in her circulatory system.
“If anything happens, we’ll be able to document it for our reference,” Spike explained as he and Discord took cover in an adjacent chamber to where they were going to sing. He silently passed them both microphones rigged to the stereo system before giving one last smile before retreating into the safety of the other room. He didn’t want to be around those speakers.
Starlight teleported out of the room behind a soundproof barrier to prevent the loud music from affecting her before looking to Twilight. Her teacher smiled and nodded as they picked their first song and started singing.
* * *
“There’s nothing a friend won’t do, ” they sang. It was here that Twilight felt it. She could feel the cold creeping in from her hooves and travel up her legs. At the same time, she could feel her breathing turn shallow just as the vertigo started to set in. The fact that they’d set the music to the maximum volume didn’t help her hearing or nausea when Starlight looked at her worriedly and voiced whether she was alright. Twilight could barely hear her - or anything - as her vision went dark.
Starlight yelped in alarm as she felt Twilight slump against her. Before she could say anything, Spike rushed out of the adjacent chamber.
“She’s dead,” he said simply. “The air bubbles clotted the blood and the heart stopped working before long.”
Starlight knew he was telling the truth. She could feel her teachers cold body draped over her own. That was to say nothing of the various images that had indicated the blood clotting around her heart and her lungs. She’d quickly realized that was what was causing Twilight’s labored breathing before she was knocked out.
No one had any time to comment about this when the familiar golden light shone down upon them. They all looked up and their eyes lit up as the angel drifted down toward Twilight. They couldn’t help but watch in morbid fascination as she cast her spells before kissing Twilight’s cheeks.
They watched as Twilight slowly opened her eyes while the angel drifted back up, nodding approvingly.
“Well…” Discord spoke up once Twilight was back on her hooves. “Shall we try again?”
So they tried again to get the same result. They’d repeated their test several times, making sure to shake things up by trying different songs and different tones. It seemed that it did not matter which song or which tone was used when they sang. Loud music seemed to lead to the air embolisms that killed Twilight.
* * *
“As I’m sure you can recall,” said Twilight, lecturing the three of them, “there are two ways by which I could potentially die by way of loud music: we’ve already tested and confirmed that I could die by the air embolism that the loud music causes. The next test is simply to maximize the air pressure that those speakers and see if that will be enough to destroy my lungs.”
They had all learned to take Twilight’s enthusiasm about the prospect of her potential demise into stride. They just needed to make sure no one else got wind of their plans. Things would quickly go downhill if anyone just happened to overhear them.
“Uh Twilight?” Spike asked. “Is there any real point to testing this particular form? I mean, we’ve already proven that you can survive sonic rainboom level blasts and we’ve already proven that you won’t survive if you get crushed.”
“You do have a point,” Twilight conceded. “The only way those speakers are going to have a chance at killing me is if they happen to have more force than a sonic rainboom.”
She looked to Discord. He’d answered before she could even voice the question.
“No, these speakers aren’t designed to output anything more powerful than a sonic rainboom. Unlike alicorns, regular ponies are more susceptible to the air pressure. Besides, no one in their right mind would buy something that could kill them.”
Twilight sighed. It was going to be a lot harder than she expected to test this particular idea. Then it came to her. She grinned as she explained her design to her friends who listened keenly while leaning closely to her.
* * *
Twilight grinned at the super-powered speakers that stood proudly before her. It took Twilight and Discord working together to break the cap on the upper limit of the air pressure output. They’d recruited Starlight and Spike to help handle the spells threatening to escape and wreak all sorts of havoc but now they all marveled at their creation.
“Well,” Twilight grinned. “Shall we try it?”
Just as a dry run to make sure the stereo system worked, Spike placed a watermelon on top of a stool and rushed back to the safety of his friends just as Discord pushed the big red button. They all watched in morbid fascination as the stereo put the pressure on the watermelon. It didn’t take long for it to crack and split open.
Twilight silently hoped she wasn’t split in half by those pressure waves. She was then reminded of her previous survivals and allowed her confidence to return. After a delicious snack of watermelon, Twilight took a deep breath and stood, surrounded by the stereo system. At Twilight’s signal, Discord pushed the button and Twilight could feel herself vibrating. She wondered vaguely if this is what Pinkie’s doozies felt like whenever they struck.
In retrospect, Twilight supposed that it could have been much more unpleasant. Vibrating in all directions was certainly not the worst thing to happen to her during testing. That said, it was still relatively uncomfortable. She supposed she would have to take Pinkie out whenever she had one; Twilight suspected her party planner friend would appreciate it.
They’d been at it for close to an hour and Twilight found herself growing bored and weary from vibrating and struggled to signal to her friends to stop. Starlight seemed to catch her drift as she prodded Discord to stop the stereos.
Twilight breathed a sigh of relief as they finally stopped. She could still feel the after effects of the vibrations and felt a strange desire to dance. After giving Twilight a welcome reprieve they continued with renewed vigor by way of trying again. To the surprise of no one, the pressure did little more than force Twilight to vibrate around. It had even gone on to become a form of transportation as they watched her travel laps around the room without actually taking a step.
Former queen of the changelings Chrysalis hissed as she peered through the Castle of Friendship’s large windows. She’d watched as her former prey talked animatedly about nothing in particularly. She was less interested in Princess Twilight and her friends and more interested in her pupil.
Starlight Glimmer.
Ever since she, with help from others, triumphed and Thorax usurped her position as queen, Chrysalis had been plotting her vengeance. She had to suppress a desire to cackle madly. It wouldn’t do to give up her position now. Not when she was so close to claiming that which she desired above all else.
“Oh! There are you are!” she heard a voice behind her. Spinning around, Chrysalis found herself face to face with her greatest adversary. She actually felt a small part of her die just by looking at her. She did a double take, looking from the pony staring up at her and the pony of the same likeness talking to Twilight that promptly disappeared as she stared back at the Starlight staring at her.
An illusion spell… that’s quite advanced magic. Even more impressive considering the distance… Chrysalis mused.
“Starlight Glimmer!” she barked, dropping all discretion as she plunged into her pre-written monologue. “I have come to exact revenge upon you…” Before Chrysalis could say anymore, she found herself trapped in a sky blue ball of magic. Noticing that Starlight’s horn was glowing brightly, Chrysalis banged her hooves against the magic shield, only to be recoiled back into the opposite direction and flung around again. Starlight had amused herself by watching this for several moments before deciding that it was probably a good idea to bring her to Twilight.
Smiling at the praise she was sure to receive from her teacher at having capture the most recent threat to Equestria to have escaped justice, Starlight pushed the doors open and trotted back inside.
* * *
“Twilight! You’ll never guess what I found!” Twilight looked up from the table that she’d spent the last minute meticulously cleaning. She beamed at the sight of her student, grinning broadly as she rushed toward her.
She’d only needed to look up to see what her student had found.
It was an unconscious former queen of the changelings trapped inside Starlight’s magic.
Twilight beamed and grabbed Starlight in tight embrace. Starlight grinned, reveling in her teacher’s attention.
At Twilight’s request, Chrysalis was unceremoniously dumped onto the ground.
“Now we can try that method that we’ve been meaning to try!” she cheered, galloping away while requesting Starlight to stand guard over Chrysalis.
* * *
Chrysalis groaned as she opened her eyes. She quickly regretted it as she felt the bright light pierce through her mostly closed eyelids and burn her.
“I think we can say she’s awake now Twilight,” she could hear the dragon state carefully as she slowly rose to her impressive height, dwarfing all but the draconequus. At the sight of him, Chrysalis thought better of trying to intimidate the others. She had only heard stories about Discord and knew full well that he was not to be messed with even at the best of times.
“Excellent,” Twilight grinned. “Now, Chrysalis. I am well aware that you that you came here seeking vengeance on my student for what happened in your kingdom. But the fact remains that you brought that upon yourself by kidnapping all the princesses and my friends and replaced them with mere drones.” She looked insulted about this. Starlight expected that Twilight felt that she was worth at least being impersonated by someone of higher rank than just a mere drone.
“Regardless,” she continued briskly. “You will not be permitted to carry out whatever half-baked revenge scheme you’ve come up with.” She peered curiously at her. “What is your plan?”
Chrysalis snorted. “Like I’m going to tell you?”
“You don’t exactly have much of a choice in the matter,” Twilight pointed out. “But regardless, I won’t permit you to exact your revenge on Starlight. I will stand in as her substitute while you drain the love out of me.”
Chrysalis gaped. Then she remembered that Twilight had been partially responsible for her failed invasion during the royal wedding. She scowled when she saw Starlight lean to Twilight to ask whether changelings prior to the reformation were just awful actors or just plain stupid. Twilight’s answer had been too quiet for Chrysalis to here but from the laughter that escaped Starlight’s mouth, Chrysalis knew it wasn’t something she would appreciate hearing.
Then she remembered what Twilight said.
“What do you mean, “stand in as her substitute”?” she asked incredulously.
“Exactly what I said,” said Twilight as though speaking to a foal. “Instead of draining Starlight of her love like I’m sure you’d been planning on doing, you will instead be draining me of my love.”
Starlight wanted to protest but a look from Twilight made her stop and then stare coldly at Chrysalis. As much as she didn’t like the changeling and as much as she doubted that she and Chrysalis would ever be friends, Starlight held her tongue. Now that Chrysalis was here, they could test whether it was possible to die by way of being love drained by a changeling.
Chrysalis heaved a sigh. She felt the weight of magic inhibitor on her horn and the slimy substance around her wings preventing her from flying away. It wasn’t what she hoped for when she’d been caught but it was better than what she was expecting.
“Very well,” she replied neutrally. She was surprised that Twilight decided to stand in for Starlight but now she couldn’t bring herself to care. She would drain every last drop of love from Twilight’s body if it was the last thing she did.
The next thing she knew, she and Twilight found themselves in a sealed tank.
“Can’t have you escaping after all,” Discord said cheerily. “Now, whenever you’re ready.”
Chrysalis could only nod as she opened her mouth and brandished her special love draining fangs. She remembered how she’d drained Thorax of his love and how that had ended up backfiring on her.
She grinned as Twilight’s demeanor slowly turned from defiant to listless as she felt the last drop of love drained from her alicorn body. She reveled in the sweet honey taste as she felt her hunger fade for the first time since her kidnapping attempts ultimately failed. She couldn’t help but feel satisfied as she watched Twilight slump forward, unconscious.
She watched as Spike, Discord, and Starlight rushed toward the unconscious mare, checking her vitals and checking for signs of life.
“She’s okay,” Starlight sighed in relief. “Thank goodness.”
“It won’t take long for her to regain the love that Chrysalis took,” Discord grinned. “All she’d have to do is just spend a few days with all her friends and she’ll be back to normal. Speaking of which…” his eyes narrowed on the changeling. “I’m afraid I can’t allow you to remember anything of what you have seen here today.” With a snap of his fingers, Chrysalis roared in pain as she felt her memories slipping away. In an ultimately vain attempt to stem the pain, Chrysalis had tried clutching her head in her forelegs. However, the pain had become too much for Chrysalis to handle that it had ended up knocking her out.
“That’s that taken care of,” was all Starlight could say.
“Yes, well… we’re going to need some time to build back Twilight’s love again before we can try again,” Discord pointed out grimly. “I trust you haven’t forgotten that.”
Starlight didn’t forget. In light of this, she dragged Spike off to organize an outing for all of them.
* * *
As it turned out, love could generate quite quickly if surrounded by friends and family. This was how Twilight decided to spend the following day. It was a nice feeling being surrounded by her friends after such a long time spending methods by which she might end up dead. Her friends had been just as pleased as she had been when she showed up for the outing content to let things handle themselves.
The following several days had confirmed what their first test suggested: being drained by a changeling wouldn’t kill a normal pony much less an alicorn. Nonetheless, it did have the potential to knock them out if too much love is lost.
“How would dying by cuteness even work?” Starlight wondered, looking up from their list. “That just sounds really silly in my opinion.”
“Well, there that phrase: so cute that it just might kill me,” Discord pointed. He clutched his chest in true dramatic fashion before carrying on. “I know I feel that way when I’m with Fluttershy.”
No one doubted this as shown by his over the top displays of affection toward the timid pegasus. They’d vividly remembered the incident in which Discord gave her animals the ability to talk back to her so that they could throw her a thank you party. Discord neglected to mention Fluttershy’s way of saying thank you following the party. His grin widened as he recalled that ever pleasant memory.
“Anyway,” Twilight cut in, “how are we going to test that? We wouldn’t even know what to look for! Or what constitutes cuteness! That’s completely subjective!”
“Several painful pangs in the heart would be a helpful factor to consider,” Discord offered helpfully. When he received incredulous looks from his friends, he just shrugged. “It’s how I feel when I can’t spend time around Fluttershy because she’s busy or when I’m busy with something.”
“Hmm…” Twilight pondered. She cast her mind back to the human Flash Sentry whom she harbored feelings for during her two brief visits to Canterlot High. While she wouldn’t deny that he was a nice boy and very attractive, Twilight didn’t feel any sort of pangs like the ones Discord had described. She’d cast her minds to all her friends: she wouldn’t deny that they were all attractive mares and there were plenty of dresses that they’d worn that Twilight had thought made them look cute but much like the case with Flash, she didn’t feel those pangs for her friends that Discord described.
To me… They’re all good friends but I certainly don’t think they’re cute… at least not anymore than I think anyone else is anyway. Twilight thought as her mind dispelled the image of her friends.
“It doesn’t necessarily have to be another pony, Twilight,” Discord pointed out, spotting her lost expression. “It could be an inanimate object as well. I’ve seen plenty of ponies calling their dolls cute.”
This statement gave Twilight pause just as she was about to consider any number of books Princess Celestia gave her. Her mind cast back to the doll she’d received as a present from Shining Armor back when she was a filly. She remembered how fresh faced the doll looked when Shining had first surprised her with it. The bright red and blue button eyes, the mane done in dreadlocks which had been something of fascination to Twilight, and the white polka-dotted blue pants and that was to say nothing of the shiny gray coat. Still, as time went by and as Smarty Pants was put through more and more abuse via Twilight’s experiments, the doll was still treasured as one of Twilight’s most prized possessions. The days that she had been without the doll had been painful but bearable though she didn’t dare tell her friends about the dilemma.
One day, when she couldn’t take it anymore, she confronted Big Mac who she had last seen with the doll. One polite request was all it took to recover the doll she’d treasured.
Even thinking of it now, Twilight could already feel something of a precursor to those pangs that Discord had described. Twilight already knew what she had to do as she rushed up to her bedroom, leaving a bewildered trio behind.
“Are we missing something?” asked a bewildered Starlight speaking for herself and for Spike as they looked up at Discord who’d been nodding approvingly.
“I think we’ve found it,” he said simply. Spike and Starlight could only exchange bewildered looks as they tried to figure out what Discord meant.
* * *
Twilight returned to the throne room five minutes later with the ragged old Smarty Pants doll clutched tightly in her magic. Spike and Starlight stared at her while Discord wore a smug grin on his face.
“What are you looking at?” she asked, uncharacteristically defensive as she held Smarty Pants close to her cheek protectively. “So she’s the cutest thing I could think of!” She snapped when they didn’t stop staring. “I felt the pangs and palpitations just like Discord said but it certainly didn’t hurt enough to kill me, though.”
“Not even if I did… this?” Discord asked, restoring the raggedy doll back to her former glory: brighter coat and all. He grinned as Twilight’s eyes lit up. She’d paused to give Discord a quick hug before clutching Smarty Pants even more tightly.
And it was here when it happened.
Twilight grunted as she felt her heart palpitate again. Unlike last time though, she could feel her body panicking for some reason. She looked down at the doll floating innocently in her magic. Was it because of Smarty Pants?
Twilight felt another pang hit her as she clutched her chest. This one more painful than the last. Unlike the previous pang which had been accompanied with a feeling of panic, this time she felt her vision blur. She could feel her heart pounding even more wildly than Shining’s did when he proposed to Cadance.
However, the heart could not sustain such a high heart rate for as long as it did and eventually, Twilight slumped onto her side on the floor, unmoving.
The three of them stared at Twilight before staring at each other, stunned. They’d all stared when Twilight panted and sweated as she kept her gaze locked on the doll. Their next option had been to check the doll for dangerous spells.
Between Starlight and Discord, they’d tested the doll for every dangerous curse that they could think of and still nothing happened.
“I didn’t think it would actually work !” Discord exclaimed as he took note of Twilight’s unbeating heart.
Before anyone could say anything else, they saw the familiar golden light and knew that help had arrived.
* * *
“Of all the ways for you to go,” the angel muttered incredulously as she went about casting her spells. “I still can’t believe that a cute doll managed to kill you.”
“I can’t believe it either,” Twilight admitted.
“So you admit that this idea of dying by way of something cute is by far the most ridiculous thing you’d ever done,” said the angel, deadpan.
“Yes but to be honest, I honestly think that this might be a one off sort of thing,” Twilight remarked. “I honestly doubt that it will happen again.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” the angel shook her head. Twilight could see that the angel was equal parts amused and incredulous about her latest death attempt. “You won’t see me but I’ll be watching. It’ll be a pain to go back up and then come back down if it turns out that you can die by looking at something exceptionally cute.”
With that the last of her spells cast and the the kisses on her cheeks done, Twilight felt herself return to her body.
* * *
“We need to try again,” Twilight insisted as she stood up shakily. She pointedly ignored the protests from her pupil and her assistant proclaiming that she needed rest. “We need to be certain that it was my perception of Smarty Pants’ cuteness that killed me.” They’d noticed her searching frantically for the doll when she asked, “Where’s Smarty Pants?”
The silence that answered her only served to grate on her nerves as she rounded on them.
“Where’s. Smarty Pants.” she hissed, her tone noticeably harsher. Starlight and Spike flinched away while Discord shook his head and produced the doll in question from thin air. Twilight breathed a sigh of relief as she snatched the doll greedily from Discord, muttering a word of thanks before snuggling with the pony doll.
However, unlike last time, Twilight did not feel the palpitations or cold sweat that had happened last time she found Smarty Pants.
She’s so cute. Twilight couldn’t help but think fondly as she snuggled tightly with the doll while the others stared in surprise and confusion. Still, they were relieved to see that Twilight hadn’t died because of the doll again.
They’d repeated the doll experiment several more times in an attempt to induce the same circumstances that led to Twilight’s inexplicable death. Twilight had explained that she’d been thinking about her memories with doll and perhaps seeing her in such pristine condition had been enough to kill her.
They’d replicated the circumstances down to the letter but they still didn’t get the results. This left the quartet confused and more than a little frustrated. Eventually, they’d been forced to conclude that Twilight’s death of cuteness had most likely been a one-off sort of thing.
Unbeknownst to the four of them, the angel that had come to see Twilight and something approaching a friend watched equal parts relieved that it had just been a fluke and disappointed by this same fact.
“It doesn’t make any sense,” the angel murmured as she headed back up. “Why would I feel disappointed that she didn’t die…?”
101 Ways to Potentially Kill an Alicorn
Author's Note
This is the first of two chapters being posted today: 3/25/2017
Death Attempts: 41 - 50
“This is probably the weirdest method I’ve ever tried,” said Twilight, staring around at their setup. She was tied down to a large pine board. A length of rope had been tied to each of her legs, her tail, and her wings.
Before tying Twilight down, they had done some research and attempted to figure out how much force it would take to pull a normal pony’s limbs off. Unsurprisingly, it required a great deal of force to dislodge a limb from its socket much less pull them off. They’d learned that thanks to their coats, muscle, tendons and ligaments, there had been no precedent for pony deaths by being torn limb from limb. None of them were very surprised; it was probably more trouble than it was worth.
“So how are we going to actually try this? None of us are physically strong enough to manage it,” Twilight asked. “Well… save for Discord,” she amended, noticing Discord’s pointed look. Noticing Spike’s offended expression, she added. “And Spike too.” She hadn’t forgotten the instances in which he’d been forced to carry all of their heavy luggage. She was more surprised that he hadn’t possessed more defined musculature by now given all the heavy lifting he did.
Must be the gems. Twilight mused.
“Well, instead of making Discord and Spike doing all the work,” Starlight glanced at the pair teasingly, “we’ve charmed the ropes to continue pulling your limbs with increasing force.”
“They’re rigged to either rip your limbs apart or give up if they’ve exceeded their break strength,” Starlight explained.
“Is wrong that I’d like to have something administered preemptively to avoid the pain that this is inevitably going to cause?” Twilight asked. “If anything, it would probably be wise to have something like that on hand just make sure my screams of agony don’t confound the experiment somehow. Or at least just knock me out beforehand.”
Starlight and Spike had no problem with this; they’d heard enough of Twilight screaming to last them a lifetime. Alicorn screams, as it turned out, tended to cause migraines twice as fast as opposed to normal screams.
And that was saying nothing of Flurry Heart’s screams destroying the Crystal Heart.
“We’ve got no problems casting a silencing charm,” Starlight replied, “but I don’t know whether administering anesthesia will skew the results of the experiment…”
“It can be something to test between trials but I don’t think anyone would be opposed to just knocking you out. I don’t see that messing with anything,” Spike offered helpfully. Twilight inclined her head in agreement. It was better than she could have hoped for as she laid back against the pine board. Now if only she had a pillow...
Almost instantly, the ropes snaked around her legs and tied themselves tightly around them. Twilight barely suppressed a wince. Starlight cast her silencing charm and prompted her teacher to speak. Twilight tried to speak but could produce no words.
“At least we know it works,” she said to Discord and Spike. “As much as I enjoy her dulcet tones, it does wear on me after a while.”
“Yes and it makes such a nice change too, I must say,” Discord remarked, ignoring Twilight’s heated glare. “Anyway, shall we get started?”
Receiving nods from his compatriots, Discord snapped his fingers and they all watched as the ropes promptly went to work. At first, Twilight hadn’t been phased. In fact, it looked like she was trying to stretch to make the process go faster. Whether that was for the sake of making sure this ended quickly or she truly happened to find being pulled apart an enjoyable pastime, no one was certain.
What was certain was that they were glad that they had cast silencing charm before starting. It wasn’t long before Twilight had started letting out grunts of pain. Or at least there would have been grunts had she not been silenced.
They watched in something akin to morbid fascination as the ropes tore themselves apart before Twilight’s limbs gave out.
Spike looked to Discord and Starlight. “Should we move on to something stronger?”
* * *
“I didn’t know we had lengths of chain just lying around in the castle,” said Twilight, twenty minutes later as she found herself tied down to a new steel board. Her legs were all locked to manacles latched with lengths of heavy-looking chain bolted to the board. It was a strange experience to have the cool metal against her back and Twilight soon found herself pining for the wood again.
“We didn’t,” Spike admitted. “Oddly enough we had to have it delivered from Fillydelphia.”
Twilight decided not to pursue this further as she nodded to Starlight cast the silencing charm again. She gave a second nod when she confirmed that she’d been silenced. With this prompt, Discord snapped his fingers and Twilight felt the familiar tug as she felt the cool metal of the manacles pull her limbs from her body.
Much like last time, she could feel the aching pain associated with limbs being pulled from their proper sockets. The fact that it was chain being used for this test only made it much more uncomfortable on the account of it not being soft, plushy, or warm to the touch.
Unlike last time though, when the chain had pulled hard enough, they heard several loud pops and Twilight could no longer feel anything at her limbs. If she was honest with herself, it felt like rubber and nothing she did made her limbs respond. She was certain she could heal it if her magic hadn’t been sealed.
“Sounds like she dislocated something,” Starlight remarked. “I know that this sort of thing happens with sports but I didn’t think it would happen so quickly.”
“Isn’t it usually swift movements that end up dislocating limbs?” Spike asked.
“It can be but that’s not always the case,” Starlight replied as she launched into an explanation for Spike’s sake.
“Still,” Discord chimed in as Starlight finished. “At least Twilight won’t have to worry as much about pain, right?”
Starlight checked the force gauge. By this point, while they could see Twilight hissing from the dislocation, she seemed no worse for wear from the chains. What’s more is that the chain was already at its maximum pull strength. Having the chain pull harder would just cause it to break and Starlight preferred to avoid that if possible.
“We might as well stop,” Starlight decided and prompted Discord to cancel the spell and watched the chain drop to the floor with a clatter. “Discord charmed these chains so I find it highly unlikely that if he couldn’t kill Twilight with these charmed chains, then no one else will be able to kill her with normal chains.”
“That’s good and all Starlight but shouldn’t we help Twilight first?” Spike asked, pointing to Twilight who lay flat on her back on the pine board. Not waiting for an answer, Spike grabbed another bottle of salve with Discord close by to put her right again.
“Much better,” said Twilight, shaking her legs. It was clear that she hadn’t enjoyed having or limbs dislocated. That much had been clear on her face. They went ahead and repeated their tests several times to confirm their findings and had gone ahead with the knockout and anaesthesia. Both had negated the need for the silencing charm. “So, we’ve learned that alicorns can’t be torn limb from limb, right?”
“Yeah,” Starlight nodded. “At least not from ropes or chain. We haven’t yet tested whether that’s true if you were to be ripped limb from limb by something like a hydra or a manticore.”
“That’s true,” said Twilight thoughtfully. She turned to Discord. “Are your manticores and hydras trained well enough to try this?”
“Of course they are,” said Discord, offended. “It took some time but I was able to exert will over the hydras and I can make them do whatever I want. The manticores were already trained for this sort of thing.” He paused. “Don’t tell Fluttershy I did that though. I don’t think she would approve.”
* * *
“Shall we start with the manticore?” Discord asked ten minutes later as he pulled up the flap of the circus tent where the manticore could be seen practicing some sort of tap dance routine. Twilight, Starlight, and Spike couldn’t help but break into a round of applause. The manticore, noticing it had guests, couldn’t help but look away bashfully.
“Right,” said Discord. “Twilight, you might want to get close to him. It’ll save us time for when things actually happen.”
Wary, Twilight moved toward the manticore who had done nothing so far.
“Ah, that reminds me,” said Discord, snapping his fingers. Twilight soon found herself unable to see and it wasn’t because of a blindfold. It seemed that Discord had taken her sight.
“Can’t have you being traumatized by what might happen,” he explained. He was just about to take away Twilight’s voice when Twilight interrupted.
“If I haven’t yet been traumatized by everything so far, why would I start now?” Twilight asked.
“I don’t know,” Discord shrugged. “But I don’t want trauma induced from this test to complicate anything we might try in the future. Starlight and Spike here need therapy and they’re not even the ones undergoing the testing.”
Twilight had to concede this point as Discord took away her voice. He could only treat Twilight’s screams as music for so long after all.
“Now,” he said, producing a pocket watch and staring into the now blank eyes of the manticore. For added effect, he gave his eyes the same swirling effect that the pocket watch was likely to induce. They didn’t have to wait long for the hypnosis to set in. Discord only had to say four words.
“Rip her to pieces.”
One part of Starlight was about to interject was that was not how hypnosis worked. A second part of her saw the manticore leap at Twilight. A third part of her mentally slapped herself for looking.
Instead of the gory bloodbath that they had expected based on their perceived perception of manticores, they watched in a sort of morbid fascination as the manticore struggled to pull at Twilight’s limbs. What’s more was that the manticore’s harsh tugs only merited hissing and not the outright screeching that they had been expecting.
“Tug harder,” Discord ordered. The manticore hastened to obey as tugged even harder only to produce the same results. Starlight and Spike periodically checked the force gauges that they’d set up on the manticore before they’d started. The evidence was all there: manticores were clearly not as strong as everyone made them out to be. Twilight hadn’t even dislocated anything from the exercise.
They had repeated the test several more times to confirm what their eyes had already seen; indeed, it was next to impossible not only by way of rope or chain but by manticore as well for Twilight to be torn limb from limb much less die from it.
“Well the only thing left is the hydra,” said Twilight when they’d managed to pull her away from the manticore. Discord dispelled the hypnosis before leading them to the hydra.
“If this doesn’t do it then I don’t think anything will,” said Spike, his notebook and quill ready. He watched as Starlight and Discord prepped Twilight and the hydra for what was to come.
Their expectations had been drastically lowered since their experience with the manticore. Sure enough, they were not disappointed when the hydra even with its more impressive strength still could not so much as pull on Twilight. It had taken another spell from Discord to get them to do what he needed them to do.
They watched in morbid fascination as the two heads on the far end grabbed a pair of Twilight’s legs in their mouths and tugged. Instead of being torn apart, Twilight’s torso seemed to stretch almost comically like rubber. Indeed, she didn’t seem to be yelling in pain from her hooves in the hydra’s mouth. Of course, Discord had explained that he’d made sure that the hydra’s teeth were dulled and softened so that Twilight wouldn’t incur any damage from the mouths themselves.
All in all it was a very underwhelming experience as they watched Twilight being stretched and then dropped several more times before concluding that Twilight wouldn’t be torn limb from limb any time soon. They were still at a loss at how Twilight’s body stretched in the hydra incident but not in any previous encounters.
“That just sounds disgusting,” Twilight grimaced, looking up. “How are we even going to test this? I don’t think that anyone can’t produce enough to make this feasible. It also sounds pretty vague: am I going to die from the release itself or from a high concentration of the components that make it up?”
“You’re wrong about nobody being able to produce enough,” Discord grinned. He produced a book and flipped through the pages before yelling a whoop of triumph and shoving it under Twilight’s nose.
The page in question showed an image of a rotund pony who apparently held the world record for both the most bouts produced in sixty seconds. This pony happened to boast a record of fifty nine seconds in the case of the longest one produced.
“Even still, I don’t feel comfortable inviting him to the castle,” said Twilight, shaking her head. “Confidentiality and all that.”
“About your second point,” Discord continued. “Why don’t we try both? It wouldn’t be hard for me to make you do it continuously and I can adjust it as needed.”
“It wouldn’t be all that hard to make our own too. Why don’t we also take all the components that make one up and create our own using the ventilation system?” Spike suggested. “We’d have to keep it contained, obviously, but there’s no reason why I can’t see it working especially since Twilight has permission from the Canterlot labs to use their chemicals as she saw fit.”
“It also helped that I agreed to collaborate with them in the future,” said Twilight eagerly.
“Just for simplicity sake, why don’t you two start with the continuous method while I go put in the order with the laboratory,” Starlight proposed. She wasn’t about to tell anyone else but she didn’t want to be anywhere near Twilight when the experiment got started if the stories she’d heard about her teacher’s… ah… flatulence were true.
It would certainly explain why Twilight didn’t like cheese.
“Sounds good to us,” Spike nodded in tandem with Discord.
* * *
“So how exactly does this spell work?” Twilight asked, her voice muffled by the oxygen mask covering her face.
“This one works by forcing all the gas in your GI tract out as flatulence and we’ll see what happens from there,” said Discord simply as he and Spike donned their own masks.
“Whenever you’re ready!” Spike called, having calibrated the anemometer next to Twilight.
Discord snapped his fingers and the effect was almost instantaneous. It had started off quietly at first but it didn’t take long for the sound to get louder. Indeed, it changed from quiet hiss to a booming noise at an alarming rate. A quick look into Twilight’s face told Spike that while she was alarmed at the volume of gas being released, her composure remained.
Her composure slipped when she started moving without raising a limb and begun sliding across the smooth floors. It seemed that the expelled gas had exited with enough force to actually get Twilight moving without walking.
* * *
“I don’t think I’d mind moving like this,” Twilight told them half an hour later. Twilight had taken to skating across the floors with the gas propelling her. It looked to Discord as though Twilight had figured out how to steer with it.
“That’s all well and good but I think it’s pretty clear that you aren’t dying from this,” said Discord. “We should probably take a look at your GI tract to make sure.”
Indeed, a quick scan of Twilight’s GI tract revealed no noticeable damage. Twilight was thankful for this as she didn’t want any longstanding complications from their testing.
“Should we try it again?” Twilight asked, grinning guiltily up at them. Discord and Spike exchanged a look and shrugged. They didn’t mind. Watching Twilight skate around the cool floors and occasionally making a fool of herself for their amusement was worth the notetaking involved.
Besides, Starlight had yet to return with the materials they’d needed for the second way for this to work.
* * *
Starlight had just hurled her filled out order form the materials they would need for their next set up into the charmed dragon fireplace when she heard the faint sound of cheering from the room she had just left. Curious, she poked her head through the door and happened upon the strange sight of Twilight sliding along the floors with the flatulence serving as a makeshift propulsion system.
Despite her best efforts, Starlight couldn’t help but watch in amazement as her teacher skated across the crystalline floors. On the side, she could see Spike taking notes and Discord offering suggestions for tricks for Twilight to attempt. She was half tempted to join them but a faint thunk outside drew her attention from her friends’ work.
Turning around, she could see a large box sitting in front of the fireplace. A several swipes with a nearby boxcutter and Starlight peeked inside the box.
“They sure do work quickly when it comes to Twilight,” Starlight remarked to the empty room. Indeed, she lifted up several canisters of the gases they would need to test their experiment. She’d also noticed the enclosed parchment with instructions on how to operate the canisters and read it closely.
After reading the last of the instructions, Starlight packed everything back into the box and then lifted that in her magic before carrying it off to another room. Surely no one would begrudge her if she decide to prepare everything beforehand, right?
* * *
“As much fun as this is,” Twilight stated after their umpteenth trial, “I think we can safely say that the duration nor the volume is going to have any impact on my GI tract much less kill me.” Spike nodded in agreement. Discord wondered aloud where Starlight was as he very much doubted it would take very long to fill out the necessary order forms.
This had caught Twilight’s interest as they stepped out of the room and moved toward the magical fireplace Twilight and Spike had set up. It was something that they had built together to save Spike the pain of having numerous correspondence coming at once. Spike, for his part, had been relieved of this duty as he remembered the last time he’d been flooded with correspondence.
A search had begun for the wayward unicorn. Twilight soon found herself wishing that she’d spent more time exploring her castle when she’d first moved in. Or at least asking Starlight to come back after she was done sending off the order forms.
It was only sheer luck that they found her before long, in fact, her cheers had been the biggest giveaway to her location. Curious, they’d knocked on the door where they heard her voice. Instead of the door peering open, Starlight teleported outside. The first thing she noticed was the heavy duty gas mask covering her face.
“I’ve done it,” she said simply. “I’ve mixed together the gases in such a way to create the same consistency and smell of the worst type of flatulence. As you could probably guess, it smells terrible but I’ve put a spell to prevent it from escape the room.”
Twilight was very impressed by this revelation and without waiting for a prompt from her student, Twilight teleported into the room.
Starlight certainly wasn’t lying. Twilight thought ruefully as a smell comparable to decaying corpses wafted up her nose. It smells awful but I don’t feel any different. In truth, Twilight had found a very simple way to inhaling the foul stench.
Breathing through her mouth.
Twilight knew that she would smell some measure of a foul odor but it was by and large her preferred method rather than inhaling through her nose.
“It smells terrible so good work Starlight for mixing up the most foul smelling substance I’ve ever smelled,” Twilight praised. Starlight couldn’t help but grin. It had taken the better part of an hour and a lot of math and science to work it all out but she’d done it!
Despite the foul stench, it seemed that Twilight was unlikely to be affected by the stench of the gas anytime soon much less be killed by it. Now that they knew the consistencies of the gases used, it was a simple matter to recreate the exact same conditions and try again. Indeed, they had repeated their experiments five more times just to be certain. Twilight complained about the consistently foul smell covering every inch of the rooms they used for testing but the scans taken before and after each test showed that the gases, however foul, hadn’t adversely affected her bodily functions.
Now the only thing that remained was how they were going to get the smell out of all those rooms…
“I feel like I should know this but what’s hyperglycemia?” Spike asked, looking up from the list.
“It means high blood sugar,” said Starlight before Twilight could so much as open her mouth. “It’s an especially big problem to those who have some form of diabetes.”
Spike, whose mouth was open to ask another question, was interrupted by Twilight who seemed capable of reading minds. “Diabetes is a disease that messes with our ability to handle sugar properly.”
“Oh…” said Spike blankly.
“So how exactly are we going to test this?” Starlight asked. “I mean, when I was doing my research on Twilight to exact my revenge plot, I checked her health records and she seemed to like a perfectly healthy mare.”
“It’s actually pretty simple,” said Twilight. “We just need to make the beta cells in my pancreas to fail on command. That way we can induce a state of diabetes and subsequently induce hyperglycemia.”
“How do we do that?”
“Discord.”
The draconequus looked up from his ice sculpture at the mention of his name and looked around. Spotting the trio staring at him keenly, he said the first thing that came to mind.
“What have I missed?”
* * *
“Are you sure there won’t be any lasting repercussions for this if I survive?” Twilight asked, staring at Discord’s ominously approaching figure warily.
Discord heaved a sigh. Would Twilight ever stop doubting his methods of getting things done. He shook his head. He doubted it. The day Twilight stopped questioning everything around her was the day she simply stopped being Twilight.
“I’ve tested this countless times and I’ve even made an antidote in case things go south,” said Discord patiently. He pointed to several vials of purple fluids that smelled vaguely of grapes. “So you really have nothing to worry about.”
“If you say so…” Twilight trailed off uncertainly. In truth, she really had no reason to doubt Discord now. He had been able to make quite a few miracles happen for the sake of their testing, the biggest of which allowed her the opportunity to come back to life should she die during testing.
She accepted the vial Discord handed her and drained it in one gulp. She didn’t feel any different now than she did before ingesting the fluid. The next thing she knew, Discord had taken a sample of her blood and had Starlight and Spike run some tests. Once those lab results came back, Discord, now equipped with the traditional physician’s white coat, produced a pair of glasses from his pocket and put them on.
Twilight watched as Discord examined the lab results. He grinned at her when he finished.
“Congratulations Twilight, you’ve got diabetes!”
* * *
“Now that we know for sure Twilight’s got diabetes, how’re we going to get to hyperglycemia?” Spike asked.
“That’ll be easy,” said Starlight dismissively. “All we’d need for her to do is eat something loaded with sugar and that’ll make her blood sugar shoot up. With no insulin to deal with it, she’ll be suffering the symptoms before long.”
Starlight’s words were prophetic. Procuring sweets for Twilight had been a simple matter. They’d stumbled upon a cache of sweets hidden within the head of a statue in the entrance hall. They’d just assumed that Pinkie stored there in case of candy emergencies.
In any case, they dumped the candy on Twilight with instructions to eat as much as she so desired or until she felt ready to burst, whichever came first.
They’d watched Twilight eat with table manners that would have surely made Rainbow Dash proud. Discord had taken the duty of monitoring her blood sugar at prescribed intervals.
“I think I can’t eat anymore,” she said thickly through a piece of licorice. Starlight’s eyes stared over the floor riddled with all manner of candy wrappers.
“That’s probably for the best,” said Starlight dryly. “You’re blood sugar is absurdly high right now so those symptoms should onset before long, I expect.”
Indeed, they had only had to wait a few hours for the symptoms to occur. The increased urination and fatigue had been the first to come. Quickly following this was the increased thirst and the headaches. The headaches had then lead to compromised concentration.
Thankfully, the urination frequency had decreased by daybreak but had left Twilight severely dehydrated no matter how much water Twilight drank. This continued for several days and Twilight’s ability to process sugar only continued to worsen as the days went by. Discord had informed them a week later that he’d conducted some testing and had discovered that Twilight’s nerves, colon, and kidneys had sustained serious damage.
“I’m not convinced that Twilight’s going to survive for very long if these symptoms persist,” said Discord, showing them his scans. “Her kidneys are on the verge of collapse and if Twilight wants to keep living, she’d need to go on dialysis at least three times a week.”
“So do you have an estimates for when she’ll die if we don’t perform any treatment?” Starlight asked.
“I’d be surprised if she makes it through the rest of today.”
No one was surprised when Twilight’s body, unable to handle the strain of having all manner of toxins without functional kidneys to filter them out, gave out from the pressure. They had watched as the light left her eyes and she slumped to the ground, dead.
They only needed to wait a few seconds for the now familiar golden light to appear and grace them with its comforting glow. They could see the familiar appearance of the angel who just stared, shook her head, and went to work. Time seemed to fly by as the angel cast her spells and kissed Twilight’s cheeks.
When Twilight was revived and the angel gone, Twilight looked back at her friends who had run another set of tests to confirm that all was well. With that sorted, she said a single word.
“Again?”
* * *
So they’d tried again. Discord’s potion worked just as well as it had the first time and they had used the exact same sweets that they had used in the first trial. Lo and behold, several days later, they had achieved the same results. They had gone on to repeat the experiment several more times, much to the indignation of Twilight’s internal organs before they were ready to confirm that Twilight could die by way of hyperglycemia.
“I’ve actually heard about this one,” said Twilight keenly when Spike brought up the idea from dying from fright. “I've read something about fear causing death that’s used a lot in some of the horror fiction that I’ve read.
“What kind of horror fiction have you been reading?” Discord and Starlight asked together but in different tones: the former of keen interest while the latter was clearly alarmed. Twilight’s mysterious smile only made them more persistent in seeking their answer. They didn’t have to wait long before Twilight produced a large leather bound book from behind her seat and hand it off to them. Discord grabbed it greedily, flipping through the pages eagerly for mentions of fear and death. Starlight contented himself with looking over his shoulder.
“But Twilight, how are we going to test this?” Starlight asked when she and Discord finished examining the book. “From this piece, it sounds like the fear from what happened led to something else that led to something that finished the character off. How are we going to test this such that we are sure that fear is what is responsible and not something else?”
“Well, we’ve checked Twilight’s health records,” said Discord thoughtfully. “By all counts, she’s a perfectly healthy mare no history of anything that could confound our results so I would say we’re good on that front.” He paused. “Though I don’t think it would hurt to make sure everything’s up to date before we proceed.”
Twilight shrugged. It couldn’t hurt. After all, it was all in the name of science.
* * *
“That wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be,” Twilight remarked as she led her friends back into the throne room. “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised but I guess I hadn’t realized just how much medicine has improved since the last time I had my checkup.”
The others had elected to keep quiet. It was plain that they hadn’t enjoyed the experience anywhere near as much as Twilight had.
“So now that we’ve confirmed that I don’t have any family history of anything that could ruin this, shall we get started?”
“Do you have something in mind?” Discord asked keenly. Twilight’s eyes lit up at the question as she gestured for them to gather around as she laid out her plans. Discord’s growing grin made it plain that he wholeheartedly approved.
* * *
“A little more to the left!” Discord called.
Starlight bit back a snappy retort and did as she was told. She lifted the object in her magic and moved it to where Discord indicated. She was almost certain that Discord was messing with her as she was certain that she had just moved the object in that exact place earlier.
“Perfect!” Discord grinned, looking up from the construction plans. Starlight trotted over to Spike who’d passed her a water bottle as they admired their handiwork.
The final result bore more than a passing resemblance to the dilapidated building once called the Castle of the Two Sisters. Discord had even gone so far as to pull several clouds from the Everfree forest to add a spooky aura about it. Then Discord add several wards that would prevent anyone aside from themselves from even approaching the place.
They had initially considered using the dilapidated castle for their experiment but as Twilight had already established a familiarity with the castle, the idea was promptly thrown aside.
As for the building itself, aside from the flashes of lightning and thunder, Discord had set up all manner of booby traps including doors opening and closing at random, creaking stair steps, and sights and sounds of feral animals. He had also felt compelled to add several cheesy obstacles as he learned of her fear of all things cheesy.
“I think Twilight will have quite the scare in this place, don’t you think?” Discord grinned at his compatriots.
“It’s certainly got plenty of scary elements,” Starlight agreed. “I certainly don’t like Twilight’s chances in that place. I’m not even going in there and I've got chills just looking at it.”
* * *
“Okay, Twilight. This is the furthest I’m allowed to take you,” said Spike, pointing to the gate of the building that they’d built. Twilight nodded as she took in the woebegone state of the place. It reminded her of the two sisters’ castle when she’d first found the elements of harmony. She could feel a shiver of apprehension shoot up her spine at the sight of the building before walking toward the creaking gate.
Spike watched, mumbling a quiet ‘good luck’ under his breath as he retreated to the safety of the bunker.
While Spike, Starlight, and Discord watched from the bunker, Twilight pushed the gate open and walked forward. The bats that took up residence in the tree took flight at the sound of the creak, startling Twilight into take a step back as they flew off. Twilight allowed herself several deep breaths to calm herself before pressing on.
Pushing open the door, Twilight found herself standing in darkness. Had her magic not been sealed, Twilight would have simply lit up her horn for light. In lieu of that, Twilight waited patiently for her eyes to adjust while trying not let the sounds of the door opening and closing bother her.
She grinned as her eyes finally adjusted to the pitch blackness around her and moved forward.
As Twilight continued to explore, every bout of fear was matched by an equally strong bout of determination. She had dealt with things far worse than a haunted house and she would conquer this obstacle as well.
Her courage helped her through her exploration of the first floor which, after a thorough search, yielded nothing of importance.
The second landing had been where the real challenges started. She’d let out a startled yelp when she smelled rather than saw the cheesy liquid close at hoof. Her strong aversion to cheese gave her pause. Then it made her scowl. She wasn’t going to let her irrational fear of cheese stand between her and getting out of this place! This was further motivated by the sounding of growling close by stirring Twilight’s panic.
If Twilight had to pick between cheese and some feral animal, she would take cheese any day.
Thinking quickly, she snatched up the spear held in a nearby suit of armor’s grip and catapulted herself to what she supposed was safety.
Unfortunately, she had walked right into a trap when a figure emerged from the darkness, flying at her. Twilight only barely managed to dive out of the way before it landed in the puddle of cheese. Her heart was racing as she stared at the figure before making tracks deeper into the building.
Once she was certain she was alone, Twilight allowed her pace to slow to a stop as she took stock of her surroundings. It seemed that she had a few options where to go now. She could continue down the same path as before, turn left, or turn right.
Twilight sighed. She knew the building had four floors plus the roof and the basement. Twilight shivered. She was not looking forward to those excursions.
With no clues on which way to turn, Twilight opted to press on in the same direction she’d been traveling. Eventually, after searching every last room in an ultimately vain hope of finding clues to aid her journey, Twilight finally stumbled upon the next landing.
More creaking met her ears as she ascended the staircase. The difference this time was that she heard a new sound reach her ears.
Raise this barn. Raise this barn. 1… 2… 3… 4… Together we can raise this barn 1… 2… 3… 4….
Twilight’s breath hitched in her throat as her steps quickened. She recognized that tune. It took next to no time to find the source of the noise as she spotted the animated skeletons of Applejack and Apple Bloom dancing to the tune. Twilight’s eyes widened and slowly backed out of the room, her heart racing. She didn’t want to take any chances with them coming after her.
The rest of her investigation of the third floor yielded similar results, she encountered animated skeletons of all her friends and watched them dance to a song that they’d sung. It was more than a little unsettling especially when she’d only barely avoided detection.
“The sooner I get out of here, the better,” Twilight decided quietly as she scaled up the fourth floor and continued to explore.
Unfortunately, this is where all sorts of trouble started. She’d stumbled into an animated suit of armor that hadn’t appreciated the invasion of its personal space decided to swing its axe at her. Forgetting that bladed weapons would only phase through, Twilight had run for her life. Her noisy screams alerted everything else to her presence and soon a mad chase had begun.
It would have normally been an easy matter to simply teleport away but with her magic sealed and her wings bound, Twilight could only continue to run for her life and hope for a miracle.
Of course, a miracle came. Said miracle came in the form of a trick switch deploying her down a slide that led to the basement. Of course, none of the other occupants had any clue of this switch and after a cursory glance at the area, they all decided to get back to what they were doing.
She probably wasn’t worth bothering with anyway.
“Thank goodness for that,” Twilight whispered, standing up from the mattress at the end of the slide. It had only taken a quick look around to conclude that she was in the basement.
There were several differences between the basement and the rest of the house. The first being that the basement was well lit thanks to several glowing sapphires.
“That must be Spike’s work,” Twilight grinned. Her grin faded almost immediately at the sound of a hiss. Her heart pounded. It couldn’t be. Let be something, anything other than that.
The hissing was louder now and Twilight could see snakes slithering toward her in all directions, eyes glinting in the gem light. Her horrified shriek gave them pause but that was all Twilight needed to gallop away. The snakes naturally decided to give chase.
Twilight ran, periodically looking behind her to check whether she was still being chased. This only told her that they were still after her and had the side effect of inadvertently crash headlong into a wall. She recovered only to find herself surrounded yet again. She could hear her heart pounding louder than ever, trying to think of a way to get out of this situation.
Then she remembered something Fluttershy had mentioned. What was it?
Oh yeah. Asserting dominance.
Twilight, despite being the princess of friendship, hadn’t learned how to do that so she did the first thing that came to mind. She glared and then hissed back at them. To her astonishment, they stopped slithering and stared at her. The snake closest to her looked back to its compatriots before hissing at Twilight again.
Twilight hissed back, not having the faintest clue of what she might be saying.
Alarmed, the snake turned back to its comrades and hissed to them. As one, they all slithered away.
Twilight watched them, stunned. She gave herself a little time to breathe before standing up and leaving the building.
Meanwhile, Starlight, Discord, and Spike stared at the crystal before staring at each other, equally stunned.
* * *
In the end, no matter what Discord, Starlight, or Spike tried, even going so far as to dig up her worst fears and memories, it wasn’t enough to break her spirit much less kill her.
“I’m glad that it’s finally over,” said Twilight once they’d finished. “I think we can put this one to bed. It was terrifying but I think it only pushed me to fight harder than ever…”
When the idea of snapping Twilight’s neck was proposed, silence reigned. It was clear that everyone was mulling the idea over. They’d known from Twilight being crushed that it was within the realm of possibility to break Twilight’s bones if they were able apply enough pressure. The question now was how they would go about applying the same amount of force in a short space of time.
Starlight was the first to speak. “The way I see it, we have a few ways we could go about trying this,” she started. “We can try a collision, diving into a shallow body of water, and severe head or neck trauma.”
“I think we can rule out the diving since we’ve already had Twilight walk away from that fall with only minor injuries,” said Spike helpfully. “If we’re going to try head or neck trauma, we know blunt force and weapons won’t work there so that narrows it down to a swift kind of blow like the ones in my comics.” Spike picked up one such comic featuring Mistress Marevelous doing exactly what Spike had described to the Mane-iac.
“But what about a collision?” Starlight asked. “Discord’s world has two trains we can use to test this, right?” This question was aimed to the lord of chaos who grinned.
“I think I’ve got a few trains locked away in storage that we can use,” he said, rubbing his mismatched hands together mischievously. “I’ll need some time to get them up and running again though.”
“That’s fine, thanks Discord,” Twilight nodded. “We can test the swift breaking while we’re waiting. Let us know whenever you’re ready.”
Discord grinned and with a flash of light he was gone.
“Well,” she smiled, looking at Starlight and Spike. “We might as well get started.”
* * *
“Run that by me one more time, Spike,” said Twilight as she and Starlight poured over anatomy charts and models while Spike explained the swift break described in his comics complete with visual aids.
“So how it’s usually done in the comics,” Spike explained, pointing to a page in one such issue. “The good guy usually grabs the bad guy by the back of the neck and holds them tightly: one hoof on top of the head and the other on the bottom. Then the good pulls in opposing directions and it usually knocks the bad guy out in one go.”
“From the looks of the illustrations, it sounds like a fracture at C1 and C2 and the bone fractures could lead to spinal cord injury that could potentially kill me,” said Twilight thoughtfully. “I think the big question here is how much force is needed to make this feasible.”
“I think we already know that much from when you were crushed,” Starlight pointed out, sifting through her notes.
“That’s true but the next question is how are we going to be able to induce that much force in a swift blow?” Twilight asked.
“How about a strengthening solution?” Starlight proposed. “I read about it in a book Zecora lent me. It can temporarily strengthen a pony in case they need to carry out a strenuous task. They’re banned from official sporting events for obvious reasons but I can’t see why one of us can’t take it and then test to see if we can get somewhere close to the same force.”
In lieu of any ideas of her own, Twilight and Starlight had found the book in question in Twilight’s library. Finding the recipe had been the easy part, finding the ingredients had also been easy, the only hard part was how nuanced the brewing process happened to be. They had to change temperatures, stir the solution and add ingredients at specific times that lesser potioneers would have been befuddled.
It certainly explained why there were so few potion masters in Equestria.
“It looks and smells the way the book describes it,” Twilight observed, her eyes traveling from the pale pink potion to the book and back again.
“I’ve got the force plate ready,” Starlight announced, returning with a large metal rectangular plate. “But how are we going to replicate the same motion we want to test with this thing?”
“The motion is not important for what we’re trying to accomplish,” said Twilight. “This exercise is just to make sure that the potion does its job. So give this plate your best shot so that we can get a baseline of your normal strength as a point of comparison.”
On Twilight’s command, Starlight gave the plate her best whack. She attributed her above average score to weeks of bucking apples with Applejack and her training while planning her revenge against Twilight. Next, she took the vial of potion from Twilight and downed it in one gulp. She could feel a new power surging through her muscles now. Starlight felt that she could have run a marathon and still felt up to applebucking. Once more, she gave the plate her best whack.
Unlike last time, they heard the plate ring loudly. Twilight stared wide-eyed from her student to the number registered on the dented plate.
“Whoops,” she mumbled, blushing while looking away from the plate.
* * *
Everything was all set up, all Starlight had to do was do it.
“Whenever you’re ready, Starlight,” said Spike patiently.
Starlight heaved a sigh, pressing her hooves on Twilight’s shoulders more to relieve her own anxiety than Twilight’s who was less nervous about this than she was. Feeling the best way to go about this was faking herself out, Starlight continue to press Twilight’s shoulders before gripping her teacher’s head and with one swift movement, snapped her neck.
The effect was instantaneous, Twilight slumped forward. A cursory inspection told her that Starlight had dealt a very serious spinal cord injury that killed Twilight outright. That said, Spike and Discord still ran their tests and confirmed her death.
Fortunately, they didn’t have to wait long for the angel to appear and cast her spells. She stared at Starlight for several seconds before casting her spells to revive Twilight.
Once Twilight was back on her hooves, they immediately went to work repeating their experiments.
“Why am I the one snapping Twilight’s neck?” Starlight asked suddenly, several tests later. “Why can’t one of you give it a go?”
“I can’t because I’m not strong enough to snap Twilight’s neck with my claws and the strengthening solution only works on ponies,” said Spike.
“I’ve been preparing a few future methods to test for Twilight,” said Discord, shrugging. “So I’m a little busy at the moment.”
Starlight sighed as she snapped Twilight’s neck for the umpteenth time, killing her teacher.
“Can we call it confirmed, now?” Starlight asked, once Twilight had been revived.
“I think we can,” Twilight nodded. “We’ve certainly tested it enough to say as much. Thing is, they’d need a potent strengthening solution to make it work and those are already incredibly difficult to brew. The ones available commercially are not nearly potent enough to accomplish this feat so I don’t see myself in danger of this… yet.”
* * *
“Thank you for waiting!” Discord grinned as his three friends stepped onto the train tracks.
They stared at the two impressive sized trains, Discord had chosen for the experiment: both were a cool steel grey, sleek, and shiny.
Spike was practically drooling. “Are those real sapphires?” Spike asked, pointing to the windshield.
“They sure are,” said Discord proudly. “No you may not eat them… yet. Anyway, Twilight, pick a train. The rest of you go to the bunker and wait for me to get there.”
Once Starlight and Spike were out of earshot, he looked back at Twilight. “Just so you know the plan: Once you’ve boarded your train of choice, please sit at the conductor’s seat for maximum impact. Once you’re seated, you won’t have to do anything since I’ll be controlling the trains from the bunker. For your reference, I’ve already got everything set up when it comes to your gauges on the seat so all you need to do is sit and look pretty.”
Twilight could only nod as she selected one and boarded. She smiled as the train flashed from grey to lavender and bore the same six point star as her cutie mark. As soon as she boarded, the door shut behind her.
It didn’t take long for her to take her seat. As soon as she did so, the train began to move on its own. Twilight tried not to let it bother her as she soon found herself fastened into her seat. She contented herself by watching the wonderfully chaotic scene outside. While she would never agree with Discord’s ideals, she could admit that he knew how to have fun.
She watched blissfully ignorant of the second train coming right at her. In fact, she hadn’t noticed until they collided with a loud bang. Almost instantly, Twilight’s head slammed into the dashboard hard enough to concuss her. As it stood, she only suffered moderate bruising that was surely going to need some ice. Her neck certainly ached but it didn’t feel broken.
Discord had confirmed it when he checked her over for injuries. All he’d needed to do was tap her bruised head and the the injury vanished. Nonetheless, they repeated their tests several more times. Each time, Twilight only managed mild to moderate bruising and neck aches of varying severity but none of which proved remotely lethal.
“So it’s possible to kill me by snapping neck the way Starlight did but I’m not going to snap my neck from a collision?” Twilight clarified.
“That’s what our findings have told us,” Starlight nodded.
“Slitting my throat seems pretty easy to test,” Twilight remarked, looking up from the list. “I mean all we’d have to do is just go for it. No need for anything complicated.”
“I suppose,” Starlight agreed. “I mean it seems pretty simple. I can’t imagine how we would need to make things complicated. All we would need is a knife and about an hour for the sake of repeatable trials.”
* * *
“Why does it have to me,” Starlight lamented quietly. She held the knife aloft while lifting it to a blindfolded Twilight Sparkle’s neck.
She quickly remembered the last time they’d tried stabbing Twilight and took a deep breath. Either way, things would be alright. If it didn’t work then it didn’t work and Starlight wouldn’t have to bear the weight of having killed her teacher in cold blood. If it did work then she would have to consider whether there was something special about either the way she slit Twilight’s throat or about the knife that allowed it to happen. Regardless of whether or not she was successful, Twilight would be fine one way or another.
Banishing the remnants of her musings, Starlight met Twilight’s eyes, concealed by the blindfold. Twilight nodded decisively.
“Do it.”
Starlight took a deep breathe and slashed Twilight’s neck. Just as she suspected and to the surprise of no one, the knife phased through Twilight’s throat and left no traces blood or any signs that she’d just had a knife slashed across her neck.
“It didn’t work,” Starlight concluded after several attempts with various weapons commonly used to slit a pony’s throat. She’d also tested various ways to slit a throat and changing the angle of her blows. Nonetheless, All of her attempts had either inflicted minimal damage such was the case with the arrows or had inflicted no damage as had been the case with every other weapon used.
“That much should have been obvious no matter how it had been diced,” Spike sighed. “We’ve seen proof so many times while doing this. It makes me wonder why we even bothered trying it.”
“Well, it was on the list,” Twilight pointed out, “and I wanted to make sure I covered my bases. Maybe with the angle the knife pointed might have made a difference.”
“We can safely say that angling won’t make any difference in this case,” said Spike wryly. “Starlight tried every possible angle that could work in this setup and we were able to prove that none of them would be able to harm you much less kill you.”
“I didn’t realize that you had tested the angling of the weapons as well,” Twilight beamed at her student who grinned at the praise. “Good work, Starlight.”
“When can we safely say that any form of metal weapons won’t work?” Starlight asked wryly. “I mean, we’ve already tried stabbing, knife throwing, slashing, cutting, decapitation, and slitting. How many more can there possibly be?”
“I think you’d be surprised with how many more there could be,” said Spike, looking down at the list.
The two exchanged wary looks and went to look at the list with him.
“So I think the first question we need to answer is how long would you have to laugh in order for it to be considered lethal,” Starlight started thoughtfully. “In other words, how long would it take, everything else being equal, for Twilight’s airways to seize up and prevent the gas exchange that allows us to survive. I think that’d help us a lot when we conduct the test.”
“We also have to consider what it would take to induce such a sustained laughter for a prolonged period of time,” Spike added helpfully. “That way we can set up our testing facility armed with those things in mind.”
The four of them stared at each other.
“We’ll look into how to induce prolonged laughter while you two figure out how laughing can become lethal,” Spike finally said. “It will give this idea credence if there’s some sort of precedent we can follow as well.”
“Sounds good to me,” Twilight grinned. “We’ll do some research and talk to a few doctors to get a better idea of the biology at work here. I take it you’re going to do something similar?”
“Twilight, Discord’s already the most hilarious one here,” Spike replied dryly before Discord could retort. “But I guess we can talk to Pinkie and bounce some more ideas off her.”
“Great!” Twilight beamed.
* * *
“So you wanna make Twilight laugh and laugh hard?” Pinkie asked, scrutinizing Spike and Discord curiously. They had come to Sugarcube Corner in hopes of cornering Pinkie and extracting some useful advice. She was the element of laughter for a reason after all.
“Yeah,” Spike nodded.
“Hmm…” Pinkie trailed off as she scrutinized them more closely. Her expression turned suspicious as her eyes narrowed. Spike found himself sweating but Pinkie had either not noticed or didn’t care.
“Okay,” she said cheerfully. She hopped from her place behind the counter and gestured for them to follow her. Once they caught up, Pinkie pushed a switch at the base of the stairs, sending the three sliding down into her party cave.
Even Discord looked impressed as he quickly found his own file and found his respect for the party pony increase drastically as he read the documents. It seemed that Fluttershy wasn’t the only one who paid extra special attention to him. He would have to send a pudding river Pinkie’s way at the next available opportunity.
While Discord and Spike were preoccupied with their own files, Pinkie scrounged up Twilight’s file and passed it to Spike. They’d both suppressed their laughter when they read that she was afraid of quesadillas. Spike remembered the events that had led to this admittedly irrational fear but dragged his mind back to the present. When their eyes drifted over the things that made Twilight laugh, both pairs of eyes lit up.
“Since I can’t let you take the original files with you,” said Pinkie briskly. “I’ll lend you Twilight’s laughter list but make sure you take care of it before midnight tonight!” She cautioned. “That’s when they disintegrate!”
Spike and Discord hadn’t bothered wondering how Pinkie managed to make that happen. Spike silently folded the list and stuffed into his scales. They thanked Pinkie and with her help, left the cave and then Sugarcube Corner.
* * *
On other side of town, Twilight and Starlight sat in chairs as they listened to the doctor provide a crash course on pony respiratory systems. They each held clipboards loaded with parchment, quills, and ink as they listened to the doctor.
“So when we inhale,” he started as Starlight and Twilight took notes fervently. “You need to understand that several things happen during this time; the first thing is that we intake oxygen. Next it travels down our trachea to our bronchi where it branches out to our bronchioles and finally to our alveoli. It’s here that the gas exchange takes place.”
“What kinds of gases are usually exchanged during this process?” Starlight interrupted.
“For the purposes of your experiment, the main gases are carbon dioxide and oxygen. There is of course others but those are less relevant for determining the frequency with which a pony needs to breathe.”
“So what determines how often we need to breathe?” Starlight asked curiously.
“There’s a structure in our brain,” the doctor started patiently, “called the medulla oblongata. It regulates the respiratory system and it does this by taking stock of the carbon dioxide content and regulates respiratory ventilation as needed.”
“How does it determine carbon dioxide content?”
“It all depends on how acidic or how basic our blood happens to be,” he explained, his voice becoming more enthusiastic. “More carbon dioxide means more hydrogen ions in solution. These are the main players in acidity. The more of these ions present, the more acidic the blood pH will become. That said, ponies are very fortunate to have a bicarbonate buffer system that prevents blood pH from becoming too high or too low. Of course, with all buffers especially given that we are living creatures, there is a limit to which the buffers can maintain appropriate pH before it gives out.”
The teacher and the student spent the better part of an hour asking all sorts of questions tying laughter into context with what they’d learned and how that would affect a pony in theory.
Satisfied with their answers, the two ponies thanked the good doctor and left the hospital.
“That went well,” she beamed at her student who’d carried several stacks of parchment worth of notes.
Starlight gave a silent nod of agreement. She had learned more about the respiratory system than she would ever care to learn but supposed that in retrospect it would be useful information to know for future reference.
* * *
“We’ve got everything we need to make this all happen,” said Spike as he and Discord found Twilight and Starlight huddled around a pile of notes.
“So how did Pinkie go about suggesting you make me laugh?” Twilight asked curiously. “I imagine she must have all sorts of strategies for that sort of thing.”
“She did,” Spike agreed. “Discord and I went through the list and crossed out ones that would take too long and wouldn’t necessarily make you laugh.”
“So what did you ultimately decide to do?” Twilight asked keenly.
“Tickling,” said Spike simply. “We’re going to keep tickling you until you die.”
“Ignoring the problem of your claws getting tired, you don’t even know where my ticklish spots are so that idea’s moot,” said Twilight triumphantly. It was plain to see that she held a strong aversion to being tickled. Spike suspected some sort of foalhood trauma associated it. Maybe one of her relatives was just really bad at it?
“Ignoring the fact that my claws still going strong even after one of your extended study sessions or that none of us know your ticklish spots,” Spike started. Starlight felt a chill shoot up her spine at the mention of extended study sessions. “Who said we had to use my claws to tickle you? Or that I needed to know where your ticklish spots happened to be? We have a much simpler solution: magic.”
Twilight smacked her face with a hoof.
“Of course… can’t believe I forgot the tickling charm.”
“You forgot the tickling charm,” Starlight couldn’t help but tease her teacher. “It’s one of the first spells a unicorn learns. I know I’ve used it enough times...”
A pointed look from Twilight made Starlight fall silent.
Spike cleared his throat. “Anyway, since Starlight slit your throat, Discord will cast the charm.”
“Okay,” said Twilight reluctantly. It was something of an open secret between the three castle residents that Twilight loathed being tickled. She found it distracting and led to bouts of wheezing that she would have preferred to avoid. “Whenever you’re all ready.”
When Spike and Starlight had their quills and notepads primed and ready, Discord cast the spell. At first it seemed like nothing happened but upon closer inspection of Twilight, it seemed that she was fighting a losing battle against laughter.
Sure enough, not even a minute into the test, Twilight broke down into a fit of the giggles. The giggles had been quiet at first but they had quickly graduated to standard laughter. It wasn’t long before conventional laughter evolved into loud bellowing roars of laughter. It also got loud quite quickly. This prompted Starlight and Discord to erect wards around the room to prevent the noise escaping.
There was little doubt in their minds that if anyone got wind of hearing Twilight laughing so raucously, they’d want in on it too. They’d also want an explanation on why Twilight was laughing so hard when there was nothing around to explain it.
Still, as Twilight laughed without pause, they’d noticed several changes in her face. More specifically the color. Her face initially started out its normal violet color. This had soon changed to a deep red and then a deeper shade of purple before turning a very interesting shade of blue. Even when Twilight tried to catch her breath by coughing, she still couldn’t stop a small chuckle from passing through her lips.
It was a very subtle change but it was still visible to three onlookers as they took note of the weakening of Twilight’s laughter. They’d noticed that she had slumped forward, her eyes closed. They wasted no time in rushing toward her and checking for signs of life.
They found none. All in all none of them were surprised. Based on the scans they’d performed soon after, they had been able to confirm that Twilight had truly died of laughter and not of some other underlying condition like an aneurysm in her brain or a heart attack.
If that wasn’t enough proof that Twilight was dead, the angel descending toward them put any remaining doubts to rest.
“Never would have thought I’d see the day ponies would actually die from laughing so hard or for so long,” she remarked before going to work, casting her spells and then kissing Twilight’s cheeks.
The others had nothing to add to this. It had been surprising but yet not really a surprise at all. After all, they’d already proved that Twilight could die by way of asphyxiation back when they’d first started.
“It’s finally here!” Twilight chirped, levitating a large wooden box into the throne room. Spike, Discord, and Starlight all looked up from their respective readings to look at Twilight curiously.
“What’s here?” Starlight asked curiously. She and the other two moved from their places to look at the box curiously.
As though just waiting for someone for someone to ask, Twilight ripped the lid off the box. They all peered inside to get a closer look.
It was an an amulet. It reminded Spike greatly of the alicorn amulet that Trixie used in her revenge scheme against Twilight. The only difference being the metal was lined with sickly green colored emeralds that seemed to pulse at set intervals.
Although Spike was not nearly as tuned to magic as any of the others, he could still feel a nasty sensation come over him just looking at the amulet. He glanced around at the others, Twilight looked a bit sick looking as she held the amulet aloft in her magic. Starlight looked much worse than her teacher; her face turned a very interesting shade of green and appeared close to vomiting. Discord, for his part, seemed unharmed.
Plucking the decidedly cursed artifact out of Twilight’s grip, Discord examined it curiously.
“I’ve seen these before,” he murmured, scrutinizing it closely. “I remember these being used back when I ruled Equestria.”
The others leaned forward, interested. Discord seldom spoke about life prior to his escape and they were all very keen to hear more about his reign from his perspective. There was only so much that could be learned from books after all.
“So what are these things then?” Spike asked keenly.
“Well, one of my most devoted followers created these things,” Discord admitted. “They were something of a badge of honor among my followers. Much like the alicorn amulet, it granted them new powers and also corrupted them to be predisposed to what I felt like doing and making it happen quickly. They were also cursed such that if anyone who either didn’t identify with my ideals or fought against me, they would die on the spot. I didn’t know it would do that until after it had happened.”
Starlight and Spike eyed the artifact with greater wariness than before and both took several steps back. They didn’t want to take any chances on the off chance the cursed amulet somehow managed to kill them.
“So I just need to put it on?” Twilight asked, staring at it.
“Yep,” Discord nodded. “Since you don’t agree with my chaotic tendencies, it will likely trigger and kill you… assuming this thing works on alicorns.”
“Okay,” said Twilight uncertainly, donning the amulet. They all stared expectantly at it for several seconds before something happened. The gem set in the middle of the amulet began to glow. At first it was faint but soon it grew brighter and brighter before it began to blind everyone save for Discord.
Twilight’s eyes were clenched shut in anticipation for what was about to happen. She frowned when nothing happened. She wait several more seconds before cautiously opening her eyes. Sure enough, she was still in her castle with her three friends shaking their heads.
“It didn’t work,” Discord answered Twilight’s unasked question. “It tried but in the end, it didn’t work. The curse is still active but it doesn’t seem like alicorns are going to be affected by it. The fact that you aren’t dead is proof of that. You could wear that thing all day and it wouldn’t come any closer to killing you.”
So Twilight wore it for the rest of the day.
To the surprise of no one, Twilight survived. In the end, they figured it would be wise to destroy it. Twilight didn't want to risk someone stumbling upon it and harming them in the process.
“Does anyone know what exactly baked bads are?” Starlight asked, looking down at the list on the table.
She noticed that Twilight and Spike had to fight down a bout of laughter at the question. At the curious looks from Starlight and Discord, they explained. It was a term Pinkie coined when she and a severely exhausted Applejack baked together using ingredients that were almost certainly not used for baking.
Starlight was surprised that Pinkie hadn’t noticed. She’d pegged her as someone like Sugar Belle: a baking aficionado.
“She thought it was one of Applejack’s secret recipes so she didn’t question it,” Twilight explained. “Needless to say, it had ended up putting her along with about half the town in the hospital for various illnesses.”
“They’re all okay, right?” Starlight asked, worried.
“Of course they are!” Twilight replied. “Applejack didn’t use anything especially dangerous. Simply ingredients that were not meant to be consumed by ponies. Like mud for instance.”
Starlight went green at the mention of eating mud. Twilight pointedly ignored this as she clapped her hooves together. It was here that Spike raised a rather pertinent question.
“Do we even know the recipe?”
Twilight grinned at him. “How hard could it be?”
* * *
It had taken a good deal of reflection but Twilight had finally managed to recall the conversation in question she’d had with Applejack where the farmer told her the ingredients they’d used. Twilight didn’t need to be a princess of friendship to know that it had been a mortifying experience for her friend and made a point not to bring it up any more than was strictly necessary.
He could already see Discord just itching to try this recipe for himself if only to see what would happen.
After promising that Discord could try the recipe out for himself after they were finished, Twilight led her friends down to the kitchen where Spike had to stop himself from becoming a sobbing mess. As the self proclaimed head chef of the castle of friendship, he really didn’t want to see his kitchen being used to produce such nefarious concoctions.
Then he remembered that Twilight had died at least three times in this very kitchen and shook his head before turning to Twilight.
“So what was the recipe?” he asked, preheating the oven and grabbing his baking kit from beneath the stove.
“Potato chips, soda, lemon juice, and…” Twilight actually felt vomit rising up in her throat as she watched Spike collect the ingredients. She really didn’t want this last ingredient added but knew that her scientific mind wouldn’t allow for anything else.
“And…” Spike repeated, looking at her expectantly, having collecting everything he’d need.
“Earthworms,” Twilight ground out. “The last ingredient is earthworms.”
Spike stared at her for a full ten seconds before bursting into a fit of laughter. When she didn’t join him, he stared at her again.
“...You’re serious, aren’t you… the last ingredient is live earthworms.”
“Yes, Spike. I’m dead serious.”
Spike took a deep breath. “Okay, then.”
Deciding not to think about this anymore than he absolutely had to, Spike stepped outside and was instantly thankfully that he hadn’t needed to dig deep for earthworms. He’d collected enough for several batches, stuffed them in a large container and went back inside. He’d prepared them exactly as Pinkie did and loaded them in the oven.
“We’ve got a good half an hour to wait until everything’s done,” said Spike. “What do you want to do?”
* * *
“...That was fun,” Starlight couldn’t help but remark as they stepped out of Discord’s simulated reality based on that game she had seen Spike, Big Mac, and Discord playing. She turned to Spike and Discord. “Please make sure to invite me next time you have these game nights.”
Spike and Discord felt a chill shoot up their spines at the deadened look in Starlight’s eyes and quickly agreed. They were sure they could persuade Big Mac to let them invite Starlight for one of their future game nights.
It was here that they heard the oven timer go off.
“They’re ready,” said Spike.
When they returned to the kitchen, they could smell the deceptively pleasant smell of the baked bads.
“Are you sure you made these properly?” Twilight asked as Spike pulled them out from the oven. Indeed, the fragrance emitted was comparable to that of any baked goods produced at Sugarcube corner. “They smell too good to be poorly baked.”
“Of course I’m sure,” said Spike, offended. “But isn’t that how half the town ended up eating them in the first place? Because they smelled and probably tasted good?” He paused. “Pony taste buds are weird. Give me some sapphires any day.”
They stared from the wide selection of baked products to Spike and then back again, wondering if he’d done something with them to lure them all into a false sense of security.
“You’re going to have to try them if you want this test to actually go anywhere, Twilight,” Spike deadpanned. “I promise I didn’t do anything that would mess with the testing.”
That seemed to be good enough for Twilight as she picked up an innocent looking muffin from the platter and took a bite. Had Twilight not seen Spike mixing and preparing all the ingredients herself, she would have thought the muffin was just like any other muffin. She’d noticed that she’d bit into several chocolate chips when she took her bite.
She took another experimental bite. This one was vastly different from the previous one. Unlike the previous bite which boasted the chocolatey sweetness she’d expected from a muffin, this one she could taste the familiar crunch of a potato chip. Strangely enough, she didn’t find this the least bit disgusting as she swallowed and polished off the rest of her muffin.
“I should probably eat all of these then,” said Twilight, nodding to the rest of Spike’s creations. “Get the full range of what’s been prepared.”
The three watched in some sort of morbid fascination as Twilight ate her way through the cupcakes and proceeded to the cookies.
“I knew that Twilight’s standards for food were low,” said Starlight in an undertone to Spike and Discord, “but I didn’t realize they were this low.”
“It’s not surprising,” said Spike, shaking his head. “Twilight never really cared for anything more grandiose than those hay salads they have in town. She said something about pretentiousness… whatever that means.”
The others had nothing to add to that so instead they turned back to Twilight who’d polished off the small platter of cookies and started in on the last item: the cake.
Unlike the cake Pinkie had baked to induce a heart attack, this one was much smaller and thus much quicker to eat. Indeed, it had taken only a few minutes for Twilight to polish off the final slice before leaning back in her seat and let out a contented sigh.
“That tasted really good, Spike,” she complimented. “I really don’t see how half of Ponyville ended up in the hospital if they tasted as good as these did…”
“Then again, the ponies in town weren’t exactly alicorns were they?” Starlight pointed out. “Maybe you’ve got a stronger immune system than the average pony.”
“Hmm…” said Twilight thoughtfully. Her face suddenly morphed into the prime picture of a grimace as she felt stomach ache that subdued so many other ponies come over her. She’d rushed off to the bathroom as quick as a bolt of lightning. The three only had time to exchange surprised looks when Twilight returned, relieved.
“Seemed those baked bads only led to a relatively painful stomach ache rather than forcing me into the hospital,” said Twilight brightly but paused. “But I don’t know if that was because of how much I ate or because of the baked bads themselves…”
“It’s a good thing I made a lot of them then,” said Spike, nodding to the fresh batch of baked bads on the counter behind them. Starlight and Discord exchanged a look and it was Twilight who ultimately asked the question.
“When did you make more?”
“While you were eating the first batch,” said Spike. “I knew we were going to have to do this a bunch more times so I made more. It’s a good thing we have more ovens.”
“It’s a good thing you did,” Twilight beamed, sniffing the fresh batch eagerly.
From their trials, they had managed to prove two things: the first being that alicorns weren’t about to die from eating baked bads. If anything, they seemed to enjoy them more than normal ponies did. The second being that earthworms apparently didn’t taste nearly as awful as ponies had been led to believe.
At least, that’s what Discord thought when he tried one.
“Twilight wasn’t lying!” He said eagerly. “These are good!” Starlight and Spike exchanged wary looks. Tasty or not, neither had any intention of trying them. As much as they liked change, they needed some form of base to maintain their sanity.
Still, knowing that Twilight wouldn’t end up dead as a result of a botched baked confections was a load off of Spike’s mind.
Radiation
It took more time than Twilight would have liked to work out a design for testing radiation. It didn’t help that radiation barring the sun wasn’t an broadly explored area of science. That said, that wasn’t to say that it wasn't explored at all…
“This is weird,” Twilight remarked as she, Starlight, and Spike donned heavy lead jackets as Discord pressed the button to test the new machine Twilight acquired via Discord.
“It works!” said Discord excitedly, showing them the pictures of their insides. “We can toggle between the most common forms of radiation and see what happens in real time.”
“What are the most common forms of radiation?” Spike asked curiously.
“So for the purposes of this experiment, we’re going to be working with the three most dangerous and relatively common in a hospital: X-rays and ultraviolet light. We will also be using gamma rays as that happens to be the most dangerous of the lot and has the greatest potential for radiation poisoning,” Discord explained.
“Right,” said Twilight briskly. “I’m ready whenever you are.”
They hauled the machine into a separate chamber with Twilight. It had been previously agreed that Twilight would stand unprotected in each form of radiation for an hour and then assess for symptoms if she happened to survive. Regardless of survival, they would test each multiple times for consistency’s sake.
They started with ultraviolet light given that it was the weakest of three and watched and waited.
As it turned out, nothing happened at first but with continuous, prolonged exposure over several days they could see the symptoms arise. The first had been the subtle tanning of Twilight skin beneath her coat. It wasn’t something immediately noticeable but several days later, it became more prominent. With the continued exposure, sunburns came next and with it all manner of swelling, blisters, and peeling skin. Indeed, as the days went by and with continued exposure to ultraviolet light, it was plain to see that Twilight’s health was steadily declining. Her body couldn’t defend itself with its immune system now disabled.
Coupled with the skin cancer she had developed from prolonged exposure, it was hardly a surprise that Twilight died soon after. Still, it was worth noting that even without treatment, Twilight still survived longer than most normal ponies could have hoped.
As the angel cast her spells to revive Twilight, they watched on stunned. As soon as Twilight was revived, she looked to her friends and they knew just from her expression what needed to be done.
So they pressed on with the next type: X-rays.
* * *
“So from what I’ve been able to find out about X-rays, this seems to be a pretty low risk radiation exposure even if I don’t have a lead jacket,” Twilight remarked, standing in front of the X-ray machine.
“You’re partially correct,” Discord nodded. “I’m sure you already know this but age and area of imaging play important roles.” He paused. “And the dosing. Naturally, I’m going to be using the highest possible dose for this experiment.”
He continued, “Fair warning, when I inject this contrast dye, you might experience some nausea, itching, warm flushing, lightheadedness, et cetera.”
Twilight nodded. She could handle that.
The X-ray sessions had been largely uneventful. Barring the symptoms of the dye, Twilight hadn’t felt any different before versus after. It was only after several more runs with the X-ray machine was Discord forced to concede that Twilight would not die from one.
* * *
“So I know that gamma particles are the most dangerous but I can’t say I’m familiar with their use in medicine,” Twilight admitted, staring down the barrel of the gamma ray. “I spent most of my time studying magic and I’m pretty sure this one must be a recent discovery.”
“It’s certainly a recent discovery for oncology,” Starlight agreed. “It’s been an effective cancer therapy.” She grimaced. “The only problem being that it can cause cancer as well.”
“Plus high doses of this can kill you in days,” Discord added helpfully from his place behind the rays. “And the only way to block it is with a thick slab of lead.”
Twilight realized that she was likely going to die.
“Right,” she said, her voice resigned. “Whenever you’re ready.”
Discord flipped the switch. The machine whirred to life. Twilight couldn’t help but squeeze her eyes shut as the whirring grew louder. The machine went on like that for several minutes while Twilight kept her eyes clamped shut. It was after the first few minutes that she realized that she wasn’t feeling any sort of impact on her body that she tentatively opened her eyes.
The machine was clearly active and none of her friends were concerned about it. She had considered dismissing her panic as out of hand but couldn’t help but ask.
“Are you sure this thing is working? I can’t see anything come out.”
“Of course it’s working,” said Discord dismissively. “Gamma rays much like ultraviolet light is outside the visible light range so you won’t be able to see it coming. You will experience the symptoms before long though.”
An hour later and the ray was switched off.
“Right,” said Discord briskly, producing a clipboard from his lab coat. “So obviously we’ll be expecting side effects as a result of prolonged exposure to high doses of gamma radiation. “The most common ones are nausea, vomiting, fainting, confusion, mane loss, and bleeding. Any questions?”
Twilight shook her head and Discord nodded before rolling the machine into a nearby storage closet. He explained that they would repeat the experiment tomorrow at the same time for an hour.
* * *
Twilight didn’t have long to wait before she felt the symptoms occur. The nausea and vomiting had become a familiarity by this point and Twilight had long since learned to deal with it. The same was true of the rest of her symptoms. The only challenge was her premature mane loss. Being a mare in her prime, Twilight hadn’t anticipated any mane loss for a long time to come. She was honestly at a loss on how to cope. Her first inclination had been to take medication to stop it but wasn’t sure if the medicine would interfere with the experiment so had thought better of it. In lieu of any useful ideas, Twilight had been forced to tough it out through the next few days of radiation exposure. This had only served to aggravate her symptoms even worse.
What’s more she could feel her strength leaving her bit by bit. She could feel the familiar clutches of death reach out for her yet again. The others watched as Twilight slumped to the ground, dead midway through her gamma exposure.
They watched as the angel came down and stared briefly before casting her spells. She offered a brisk nod before disappearing.
Naturally, Discord insisted they repeat their experiments several more times just to be sure. Unsurprisingly, Twilight died each time. The only curious bit was how long it took for the gamma exposure to finish her off. There was little doubt that the gamma ray had done its job but they could not for the life of them find any sort of pattern.
“I guess it’s something we’ll have to look into once we’re done with this,” said Twilight when the others mentioned it to her.
101 Ways to Potentially Kill an Alicorn
Author's Note
Because medical school is hard...
Death Attempts: 51 - 60
Spiciness
“There’s actually been a precedent for ponies dying from eating spicy food,” said Twilight excitedly when this particular idea had been proposed.
“Plus it’s hardly a secret that you don’t handle spiciness very well,” Spike pointed out, fondly recalling the instance in which she drank an entire bottle of hot sauce. He remembered the sauce apparently being spicy enough to inexplicably ignite her mane.
Twilight didn’t think much of this and gave Spike a meaningful frown. He quickly fell silent.
“Anyway,” Twilight turned to Starlight and Discord. “There’s actually system to measure the spiciness of a food. The only problem with it is that it’s a bit subjective so if we want to use it, we’ll have to take the results with a grain of salt so I’m reluctant on relying heavily on it.”
“It’s better than nothing,” Discord shrugged. “We can start with mild and then feed you progressively more spicy things until we either run out or it kills you.”
“Right,” Twilight nodded. “Let’s get started.”
* * *
“I figured we can start with something mild,” said Spike, nodding to the bell peppers, “and then work our way up until you either die or finish them all.”
“Okay, well I’m ready when you are,” Twilight nodded, raising the sliced bell peppers to her mouth and bit into them. Not spicy at all. She shot a withering glare at Spike who shrugged helplessly. Twilight hadn’t cared much for spicy food but the bell peppers were easy enough to handle.
After finishing off the bell peppers, they’d moved up to banana peppers, then to pimento, paprika and the like. While only mildly uncomfortable, Twilight still hadn’t been moved by them. So they tried spicier products but even those didn’t seem to phase her. However, it did lead to an upset stomach so they allowed her to take a temporary break to get over the pain before resuming.
“The weird thing is that Twilight doesn’t even like spicy food,” Starlight paused. “At least, I don’t think she does.”
“She doesn’t care for it but she’ll eat it if she doesn’t have any other choices,” Spike shrugged. “She’s choked some of it down for my sake when I was firsting learning how to cook. I liked making things spicy back then so she had to learn how to manage it until I figured out that she didn’t like spicy food and stopped using so many of them when I was cooking.”
“It’s an acquired taste, I think,” Twilight’s voice signaled her entering the conversation. “It’s not my favorite thing in the world but I certainly don’t hate it as much as I did when I was a filly.” She paused. “If anything, it’s been useful since a lot of foreign dignitaries seem to like it so it helps me build a rapport with them.”
“You don’t think Spike having made spicy food for you back then is going to bias your perception now, is it?” Starlight asked.
“It might,” said Twilight thoughtfully. “We can make a note of it and then check it against the others and see if there’s any inconsistencies and go from there. Plus there’s also the matter the scale we’re using to test this is still a little weak to subjectivity when it comes to how spicy something happens to be.”
This being said, they were still far from done. Spike still had several secret weapons at his disposal and he was keen on seeing how Twilight would handle them; especially the ones that Ember had agreed to share when he mentioned a fondness for spicy food.
* * *
“So what kind are these?” Twilight asked, eyeing the strange looking peppers cautiously. She’d long since learned to regard everything with suspicion. After all, one never knew what could possibly kill them after all.
Spike had explained that these peppers were among the spiciest in the entire world. “At least that’s what Ember told me when she recommended them.” That bit made Twilight pause and regard the once strange but innocent looking peppers with renewed cautiousness and suspicion. Still, it sounded promising.
“Right so where should I start?” Twilight asked, scanning the array of peppers. Spike picked one seemingly at random at passed it to Twilight.
“Cheers.” She bit into the pepper.
The effect was instantaneous. Spike stared as Twilight shot a stream of fire out of her mouth. Repeatedly. Realizing that simply shooting flames from her mouth was not an effective form of cooling, her body spontaneously burst into flames. Spike would have been more concerned had he not seen Twilight flare up like this before and was safe in the knowledge that she was fireproof.
When all was said and done, his once proud kitchen was reduced a smouldering heap. Spike wasn’t sure whether he wanted to laugh at the sheer absurdity of the situation or cry because his beloved kitchen had taken the brunt of Twilight’s chili pepper induced ire. Irrespective of his feelings, a tear came to Spike’s eye as he took everything in and remembered that the castle came equipped with more than one kitchen.
With that came solace and later laughter.
“Spike?” Her voice sounded far thicker than he’d ever heard it, only serving to compound his laughter. “I can’t feel my mouth.” His laughter died abruptly as he let that bit sink in.
“Wait what?” Spike stared as Twilight opened her mouth. Spike peered inside. Sure enough, her tongue didn’t exactly look great. It couldn’t be more obvious that the pepper had done a number on her tongue if the absence of taste buds was anything to go by. That was to say nothing of the redness and swelling of her tongue. He grabbed a metal teaspoon, one of the only things to survive the fiery onslaught, and pressed it against her tongue while asking if she could feel anything.
“Still nothing,” she replied thickly.
“Try moving it around,” Spike suggested. She did so without any problems.
“Well,” said Spike, “it’s a good thing we have that salve. Ember said that non-dragons who’ve eaten this stuff don’t fare very well.”
“When you say not well…” Twilight started.
“They end up losing their tongues entirely or at least have extensive nerve damage or something like that,” Spike replied then paused, “although I couldn’t tell if Ember was joking or serious when she wrote that bit.”
Irrespective of whether Ember was joking or not, Spike still applied the salve. The effect was immediate. Twilight had to stop herself from swallowing the salve on the whole. She had grown fond of the taste of apples after all. It was a prerequisite of being friends with Applejack.
“Much better,” Twilight grinned once the salve had done its work for what felt like the umpteenth time that afternoon. She grimaced. “I can tell I’m going to going to the bathroom a lot tonight.”
Spike wisely kept his mouth shut at the risk of letting more laughter loose. So instead he asked, “so now that we know that no matter what pepper or spice you eat, we can be sure that it’s not going to kill you.”
“Exactly. Strike it from the list but keep the peppers. There’s something I want to try with them later.” Spike wasn’t sure how he felt about that glint in Twilight’s eye and silently lamented toward the unfortunate victim.
Inflation
“This one is actually very easy,” Discord pointed out. “I’ve done stuff like this before with a snap of my fingers no less.”
“Yes but didn’t you break a ton of laws of science to make that happen so that they don’t rupture the lungs?” Starlight asked curiously.
“Yes, after all, why would I want to kill them?” Discord asked. “Fluttershy would be very cross with me if I killed ponies.”
“Very cross,” Spike agreed, nodding sagely.
“That aside,” Twilight nodded. “We can knock this out in an afternoon, you’d just have to inflate me and then see what happens, right?”
“More or less,” Discord shrugged. “I mean, I had to build some failsafes in so that ponies didn’t die when I played with them after all. Dead ponies make poor playmates. It'll take me a bit to undo the failsafes but it shouldn't take long, I think.”
"Glad to hear it."
* * *
It was a very underwhelming experience. All Discord had to do tap Twilight on the horn and watched as she slowly inflated.
They watched in fascination as she slowly rose and began to float like a Twilight shaped balloon. They continued to watch as she continued to float and occasionally drift from one end of the room to the other thanks to her tail. After five minutes of this, Starlight turned to Discord.
“You did make sure to allow air to be able to escape her lungs if there’s too much in there right?”
“Of course I did but lungs are a lot more resilient that we think they are,” Discord replied. As he said this, however, they could hear the familiar sound of air escaping. Looking up, they could see Twilight rapidly deflating before landing in a heap on the ground. They stared at her unmoving body before exchanging glances with each other. Eventually after a series of nudges, Starlight was elected to check whether Twilight survived.
“Looks like her ribs punctured her lungs that in part led to her death,” said Starlight blankly after a thorough inspection of her teacher. “I didn’t think it would happen so quickly.”
“Well, if you can’t breathe and have gas exchange then you’re not going to be living very long,” Spike pointed out. “Especially when you considered that it not only ruptured her lung but it looked like there was some kind of exit wound for the air to escape that wasn’t her mouth.”
As if to prove the point, the angel descended down in the familiar golden light to cast the same spells. By this point, Starlight had considered asking her to teach her the spells as to not inconvenience the angel but could not for the life of her work up the courage to ask.
Nodding to them, the angel vanished.
“Did it work?” Twilight asked. “Because I can’t remember anything from that experience.” Spike, Discord, and Starlight exchanged uncertainly. That was probably for the best, they expected it to more than a little complicated and possibly traumatic.
* * *
“So that’s how it happened,” said Twilight thoughtfully five minutes later after hearing the three renditions. “Well, at least it was a relatively quick way to go.”
“It was. You were initially floating like a balloon but then it seemed that your ribs pierced your lung and led to this whole thing.”
Twilight could only stare into the middle distance before insisting that they try again.
* * *
“This isn’t nearly as traumatic as you made it out to be,” Twilight remarked after several repetitions. “I mean, this wasn’t nearly as terrifying as jumping from that cloud or that house of horrors.”
“It was traumatic for us,” said Starlight defensively. “The most dangerous thing I’ve done was facing Chrysalis and her changeling army.” She paused. “That and fighting you during my revenge arc.”
“That’s fair,” Twilight conceded. “But regardless of traumatic experiences, I think we can say that I could die from being inflated overly so. Granted, Discord’s the only one who could really pull this off so that’s not especially useful information.”
“I disagree,” said Discord, rolling his eyes. “It means I have to be even more careful when pulling these stunts after all, Fluttershy would be most cross with me if I somehow managed to kill you.”
“She sure would be,” Twilight agreed, silently thankful that the timid pegasus succeeded in befriending the spirit of chaos.
Blood Boiling
“Ever heard of that phrase, ‘so angry that it makes my blood boil’?” Discord asked lazily, tossing the list at Twilight.
“We’ve been known to use it more than a little often,” Twilight nodded, catching the list in her magic. “But it has got me thinking about whether I would survive if my blood was actually boiled from the inside.”
“But how’re we going to do that?” Spike asked. “We already proved that you’re immune fire, being boiled, and lava.”
“Magic,” said Twilight simply.
“Of course,” Spike rolled his eyes once he was sure Twilight wasn’t looking.
* * *
“Whenever you’re ready, Twilight,” said Discord. Twilight stood opposite him, her face and her hind legs reared back, bracing for what was to come. Starlight and Spike stood off to the side. Discord had produced objects that told them Twilight’s blood temperature as they proceeded through the experiment.
“Start slowly and then increase the temperature incrementally,” Twilight replied.
Discord snapped his fingers and Twilight promptly gasped in shock as she collapsed in a heap on the floor. The only difference between this and previous iterations is that while in the past, she’d either been dead or knocked out, this time Twilight was conscious.
But in those moments, all she knew was pain.
It was pain unlike anything she’d experienced before. She wanted so badly to scream but her mouth clenched itself shut in an futile attempt at stifling it. Realizing that screaming was lost to her, Twilight’s body writhed in yet another feeble attempt at fighting it off. When it became clear that nothing Twilight did would help, she had gone in on herself, attempting to claw at the site hoping that removing this imaginary source would help.
It didn’t.
“That was only twenty degrees,” said Starlight, stunned as she and Spike stared disbelievingly at the gauge. She quickly found herself thankful that Discord was a good friend of hers and not an enemy.
They watched as her writhing grew more violent as Discord incrementally ramped up the temperature in her blood. It wasn’t long before Twilight’s body eventually gave out and she slumped to the floor, dead.
They stared at her unconscious form before looking back at the gauge.
“One hundred and twenty cantergrade,” Spike informed them. “She was able to last up until her blood actually boiled… I think.”
“Well, we won’t know that until we conduct that biopsy,” Discord pointed out, donning a set of gloves.
“No need,” said Starlight quickly, lifting her up and setting her onto her own back. “She’s drastically lighter now than she was when she was alive.”
“And how would you know that?” asked Discord curiously.
“Who do you think carried Twilight back to bed when she spent the better part of the night reading?” she asked dryly.
Rather than answer, Discord opted to watch as the angel they’d come to know and respect descend down upon them. They watched as she stared at Twilight for several seconds before going to work, casting her spells.
* * *
“Right,” she said briskly. “I trust you feel better now?” It wasn’t something she did often but she occasionally chatted with souls that she escorted onward. The only difference being that she was sending Twilight back to Equestria.
“Yeah,” Twilight nodded. “I really appreciate your help. I know it's not exactly easy but we all really appreciate it.”
“Working with souls is what I do,” she shrugged. “But thanks.”
With a final kiss on the cheek, the angel sent Twilight back.
* * *
“You’re okay!”
Twilight blinked as she sat up and immediately wished she hadn’t. She could feel her head spinning and felt the beginnings of nausea set in. Spike was at her side in an instant, armed with a large container. He patted her back while pointedly looking away while Twilight emptied what little was left in her stomach.
“How do you feel?” Starlight asked cautiously.
“Wishing that I hadn’t sat up so quickly,” Twilight grimaced, accepting the mint tea Spike passed her. She watched as Starlight scribbled across her notepad, all the while gurgling and reveling in the minty taste. “But much better on the whole.”
At their shared request, she went into the pain she felt when she felt her blood warm and described just how much worse it got as they increased the temperature. It couldn’t be plainer that the experience would stick with Twilight if the slightly haunted look in her eyes was any indication.
“I know that we’re going to need to repeat it again,” said Twilight, “but do you think it’s possible if we can flash boil my blood this time? I know it might be a little selfish but I’d rather not endure the pain if I can avoid it.”
“I don’t mind,” said Discord, shrugging. “I mean, the only reason we hadn’t tried it straight off was because we didn’t know what temperature alicorn blood boils and that you wanted us to increase incrementally.”
“Right,” she nodded, embarrassed. “Well since we’ve got those notes now, should we try a flash boil?”
* * *
Flash boiling, Twilight decided after several iterations, was not a terrible way to die. At least, certainly wasn’t painful or at least, it was certainly quick. Her blood boiled and her vision quickly turned to black before any pain or self-induced body damage could be dealt. A swift and clean death promptly followed by revival thanks to the angel.
It was just the way Twilight liked it. Or at least as much as anyone could like death anyway.
Unicorn Horn Attack
“So when we’re saying being attacked by a unicorn’s horn, is this by way of being stabbed or by being attacked by a spell at close range?” Twilight asked.
“I don’t know,” Starlight replied, taking the list from Twilight and looking at it for herself. “It doesn’t specify.”
“Well, in the interest of covering our bases, why don’t we test both?” Discord suggested. “It’s not like we’d have a hard time acquiring unicorn horns or anything. To prove his point, Discord casually plucked Starlight’s horn off her head. Alarmed, she tried to force Discord to return her horn to its rightful place.
Discord pointedly ignored her now nonverbal pleas and looked to Twilight who heaved a sigh and turned to her miserable student.
“Don’t worry, Starlight,” she murmured, patting her on the back. “Discord did the same thing to me when we first met. It was all part of his game and he eventually returned them to us.”
“You better believe it,” Discord grinned, now plucking Twilight’s wings from her sides. This only served to make her chuckle as Discord finally attached the horn and wings to his own body. This obviously made him look even more ridiculous than he already looked.
“Mind if I take on the stabbing, Twilight?” Discord asked casually. He already knew that Starlight couldn’t be persuaded.
I’ve already slit her throat and snapped her neck earlier! She would no doubt protest had they approach her. To his credit, he wasn’t exactly wrong about his prediction as he watched Starlight protest despite the fact that she no longer possessed her horn.
“Do it, Discord,” said Twilight, resigned.
Discord didn’t need to be told twice as he gripped Starlight’s horn and stabbed Twilight in the chest. Unlike most of the other weapons that they’d tried, the horn pierced Twilight’s chest. However, despite this, the horn penetrated only slightly further than the arrows.
“Huh…” Twilight stared down at the horn now embedded in her chest. “This hurts a lot more than I thought it would…”
“Do you think we should build something so that we can get a consistent thrust each time?” Spike voiced from his place on the table. “We don’t want differences in the force exerted to cause problems for us later on, right?”
Twilight agreed and once Discord returned Starlight’s horn, taking care not to wipe the blood off, she had drafted her assistant and student to gather supplies and draw up plans. This left Discord with some time to acquire more unicorn horns to use. Producing a pair of binoculars, Discord’s eyes soon spotted the cemetery.
“Surely no one will mind if I borrow some horns from there…” Discord chuckled before teleporting away.
* * *
“I think building it will be simple,” Twilight commented as they looked through their various plans. “The only hard part will be whether we should build two models equine and biped creatures or just build a single device that can switch between the two.”
“Would the equine versus biped body structure really matter though?” Starlight asked curiously. “I mean, the stabbing motion that we’re going for is going to be the same regardless, right?”
Twilight nodded in agreement but then pointed out that the force from the stabbing would be coming from different muscles between the two types. It was here that Spike pointed out that it didn’t really matter where the force was coming from since the main idea was to see how far a unicorn’s horn can pierce.
“We can use those leftover gas tanks from the flatulence experiment to make it simulate the same speed as a standard stab. We’re going to need some way to measure how quickly we can stab something though…” Spike trailed off.
“I think we can make that happen,” said Twilight, smiling.
They’d each taken turns stabbing a block of foam Twilight had made beforehand. Twilight and Starlight had done the math and recorded their findings while Spike went to work building their machine.
“Now all that’s left is making sure that it works the way we want it to,” said Spike eagerly as he showed off his creation. The ponies quickly went to work, testing their machine and running calculations. It was all very boring and menial work until they finally managed to make it work consistently.
“Finally, I thought that would take forever...” Starlight sighed after what felt like several hours later. In all actuality, it had only been ten minutes.
“I’m back!” said Discord loudly as he dropped a box of horns at Twilight hooves. “I thought you might appreciate these.”
Twilight opened the box and stared at the horns messily piled inside. She look back at Discord, eyebrow raised.
“I can’t just go around and steal other unicorns’ horns, Twilight,” said Discord, shaking his head, “and I can only use Starlight’s horn for so long before it gets boring. Besides, she doesn’t even seem bothered by it anymore and that just takes the fun out of it.”
Discord could see the conflicted look on Twilight’s face and added, “I didn’t steal them from a graveyard. I just made a lot of exact replicas.”
Twilight’s expression brightened before taking the replicas and installing the first horn into their machine. Starlight and Spike and took cover behind a barrier while Discord, seeing no point, just floated several inches from the ground in something approaching morbid fascination. Twilight nodded to Spike who pulled the string and led their machine go to work.
Twilight’s yelp of pain had them looking back at Twilight who had a horn partially impaled into her chest.
“I think we’re going to need some of that salve,” said Twilight in what she thought was a conversational tone. On closer inspection, the horn penetrated deeper than anything else they’d tried but it still only just barely broke the skin. She hadn’t even bled!
While Spike had been more than a little skeptical about the necessity, he ultimately gave in to her pained expression and agreed to apply the salve.
* * *
“Much better,” Twilight sighed in relief. Privately, Spike thought that Twilight was being just a little overdramatic. To Twilight’s credit, she had died several times before and Spike wasn’t crazy enough to try to argue. “It’s not the most painful thing I’ve ever dealt with but it’s painful in that way when you cut yourself on parchment.”
“Well, wanna try again?”
Twilight sighed. “Whenever you’re ready, I guess.”
There had been something vaguely entertaining by hearing Twilight yelp in pain that second time he pulled that string. Much like their previous attempt, the horn impaled Twilight’s flesh in much the same way and caused more or less the same degree of damage. It didn’t seem to matter how the long the horns or how sharp they used happened to be, Twilight seemed to always sustain the same degree of damage. No one seemed to understand why this seemed to be the case, least of all Twilight.
“I don’t really understand it either,” Twilight admitted when they asked. “My guess is that they’re all made out of the same material so maybe my innate alicorn magic doesn’t distinguish length but material?”
“If that’s the case, then you’re magic’s weirder than I thought it was,” said Starlight blandly.
“To be fair, I don’t know if what I said was actually true but I think it’s definitely worth looking into if nothing else because now I’m curious,” Twilight shrugged. “But we’ll have to save that for another time. I think we safely say no matter what tool we use, nothing save for a knife made of orichalcum itself is going to really work.”
“So we can strike it from the list then,” Starlight grinned, pulling out a quill, a bottle of ink and the list of methods.
“I would,” Twilight nodded. “At least for now, anyway.”
Microwaving
“I think this would be a really simple way to test this,” Twilight remarked. “All I’d have to do is just walk into a microwave and wait for death or possibly nasty burns.”
“The hardest part would be finding a big enough microwave,” said Spike, “and even that is pretty easy. I’m sure we could ask Discord for help on that front.”
“Well we might as well tackle this now. I can’t see it taking very long.”
"The way things have been going so far, nothing's taken very long to finish."
* * *
“How long do I set this to run?” Spike asked, staring at the buttons on the enlarged microwave while Twilight opened the door and stared at the interior.
“Start at five minutes and if I survive, increase incrementally by five minutes until I die or until we hit an ninety nine minutes and fifty nine seconds,” Twilight replied.
“Okay,” Spike nodded, pressing the buttons while Twilight hopped inside before closing the door behind her. “We’re good to go.”
He could see Twilight nodding on the other side of the soundproof glass and gestured for him to start the microwave. Spike gave her one last thumbs up before pressing the start button.
This isn’t so bad Twilight thought for about five seconds before she felt pain. Thankfully, this type of pain was one with which she happened to be very familiar.
Didn’t this happen when we boiled my blood? Twilight wondered as she stared at the slowly revolving walls almost hypnotically. Curiously, while the pain was as painful as it ever, it felt easier to deal with. Twilight suspected that after all the techniques they tested, her pain tolerance had drastically increased in the time since they’d begun. The more she thought about it, the more it made sense.
Rather than shriek and writhe in pain as a normal pony likely would have in the same situation, Twilight contemplated everything she’d done up until that point: from being set on fire, electrocuted, facing her greatest fears. Rather than sob and beg for all manner of mercy like a normal pony would have done, Twilight instead smiled, satisfied in all of the things she’d learned ever since taking on this endeavor.
At least I can say that I’ve learned more about alicorns than anybody has before me . Twilight couldn’t help but think smugly as she felt pain overtake her senses. Accompanying that pain was the ever familiar cold she’d come to associated with death.
* * *
Spike opened the door five minutes later to find a fully cooked and dead Twilight Sparkle before him.
“That actually smells pretty good,” Spike admittedly to himself. Before he could do so much as move a muscle, the familiar gold light descend down upon them. He watched the Angel materialize, eying him with some remarkably like disdain before going to shame.
While Spike looked down in shame and questioned several life choices leading to this moment, the Angel went to work casting the same spells she always cast to revive Twilight. It had become something of a routine by this point if she was being honest with herself.
That said, it was still satisfying to watch Twilight slowly stand up and move around as though she’d never been microwaved.
Indeed, she watched Twilight turn to her and smile appreciatively at her. It somehow made her feel happy in a roundabout sort of way. The Angel gave a single nod before disappearing. She wouldn’t be far, if there was one thing she knew about Twilight it was that she was a scientist and that one attempt would not be enough to prove anything. As a result, she’d taken to watching subsequent attempts if only she happened to find it curious about the various ways ponies die. Some of the things she’d seen were more absurd than some of what she dealt with regularly.
Indeed, Angel watched from the window while also concealing her golden light and by extension herself. She watched as Twilight stepped into the oversized microwave.
Death by Cadance
“You want me to do what ?” Cadance half asked and half shrieked when Twilight appeared at her front door.
“I figured that since you’re the princess of love, I figured you’d be able to kill me with love,” said Twilight simply.
Cadance didn’t know what to expect when she received Twilight’s letter but being asked to channel the power of love through the crystal heart in an attempt to kill Twilight was not what Cadance had in mind.
So much for Twilight wanting to spend some quality bonding time with me with me… she thought sadly. Still, it wasn’t every day she got to see her sister in law. She supposed that she could make something happen if Twilight insisted on it.
“Fine,” she conceded. She supposed she could be sympathetic. Cadance had been trying out methods of her own with help from Shining Armor and Sunburst and it was thanks to Discord and to a lesser extent, Twilight, that she’d learned of a way to revive herself.
* * *
“I should probably warn you that I’m not exactly experienced with using the crystal heart as a means of destroying things,” Cadance pointed out as she scanned the area for any of her subjects. Thankfully, it seemed that Shining Armor had done as she had asked and was running interference for them via a training exercise in the plaza.
“I know,” Twilight replied. “Ever since you and Shining took the throne, there haven't been any major incidence in the Crystal Empire.” She paused. “Barring the changelings foalnapping all of us, of course.”
“Of course,” Cadance nodded, aiming the Crystal Heart at Twilight. Twilight braced herself as Cadance pulsed her magic into the artifact. They watched as it began to glow brighter and brighter and spinning faster and faster.
Then it let out a burst of energy.
To the surprise of no one, Twilight and Cadance had turned into their crystalline forms. This had come as no surprise to either of them as this is what had happened in the past.
“That was me making sure that it was working properly,” Cadance grinned, nodding approvingly. “Good to know that letting Thorax feed off some of the residual love magic wasn’t a bad call.”
“You let him?!” Twilight shrieked.
“Of course,” Cadance shrugged. “It didn’t exactly hurt anybody. Besides,” she cast a sidelong look at Twilight, “if Thorax hadn’t been there, I don’t think Starlight or the others would have been able to overthrow Chrysalis and rescue us much less reform the vast majority of Chrysalis’s hive.”
Twilight would have loved nothing more than to disagree but couldn’t find it in herself to do so.
Deciding to leave that aside, Twilight nodded to Cadance who closed her eyes before pulsing her magic into the crystal heart. The only difference was that this time, she was channeling the artifact to protect. While she was hardly the scientist Twilight was, Cadance was no slouch when it came to research and coupled with Shining’s one track mind when it came to something having to do with defending the Crystal empire, learning how to use the Crystal Heart to defend it was a relatively simple task.
Actually doing so had proved to be significantly more difficult.
No need to tell Twilight that though. Cadance shook her head. No, it was best to keep that information to herself.
“I’m ready when you are, Cadance!” she could hear Twilight called. Cadance nodded as she pulsed her magic into the artifact. This time, she allowed her protective feelings to envelope her. She would do whatever it took to protect the Crystal Empire even if it meant wiping someone from the face of Equestria.
Twilight watched apprehensively as Crystal heart pulsed an angry red. She wasn’t sure if she liked the sight of an angry red crystal heart. In Twilight’s experience, whenever an ancient magical artifact turned an angry shade of red, it usually meant something bad was about to happen.
Twilight did not bother with shielding herself as she watched the beam of protective magic blast through her. She could feel the protective feelings Cadance felt as they slashed at her in a way that no weapon could ever hope to accomplish.
At least we know that the Crystal Heart will be able to save us. Twilight thought as her vision turned to black and slumping to the ground with an unceremonious thump.
“Twilight!” Cadance shrieked, galloping over to the lifeless body of her sister-in-law. The rational part of her brain told her that she was being stupid. Twilight had already tested over fifty different ways to kill herself and yet she still lived among the living even after encountering several successful attempts on her life. Still, she was the princess of love and she had just murdered her beloved sister.
Cadance suspected she would have started on a self-loathing campaign that would have likely led to the demise of the Crystal Empire had the angel not come down and brought about something of a miracle.
Bringing Twilight back.
Again, Cadance shouldn’t have been surprised. She was intimately familiar with the process, having been revived in much the same way several times herself. Still, she couldn’t help but watch in awe as the charred remains of what had been her sister knitted the wounds back together and into shape. A second flash of light and Twilight returned.
Before Twilight could so much as get a word in, she soon found herself in the loving embrace of Cadance’s wings. Twilight for her part was confused on why Cadance was so emotional about the whole thing. Surely the same had happened to her when she happened to find a way to successfully kill herself.
Nonetheless, Twilight wisely kept those thoughts to herself and instead hugged her sister tightly. Once Cadance’s sniffling had stopped, Twilight looked up at her.
“Ready to go again?” she asked.
Cadance sighed. It was going to be a long day.
* * *
“Have you collected enough data, yet?” It was all Cadance could do to keep the acid out of her voice. “I would have thought that it would have been obvious after the first time.”
“I’ve got enough data to say for sure that I can be killed by love if there’s enough of it and it's being channeled by an ancient magical artifact,” said Twilight, uncharacteristically cheerfully.
“I still think that it should have been obvious after the first time,” Cadance stated dryly.
“A single instance can be argued but with several trials with consistent results, it’s harder to argue it,” Twilight replied. “I want to know this beyond the shadow of a doubt. Now I can safely say that I can die by being blasted with love magic.”
“Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way,” Cadance grinned, depositing the recently used Crystal Heart back onto its spire, “let’s catch up!”
Twilight couldn’t so much as protest before she found herself being whisked away into the palace for she would later describe as a day of merriment.
Death by Luna
“How exactly do you think Princess Luna would try to kill you?” Spike asked, looking up from the list. It was currently just him and Twilight in the throne room. Discord had his tea date with Fluttershy and Starlight had mentioned having a small get-together with Maud. How she managed to pull Maud away from her beloved rocks is anybody’s guess. “I figured it would have something to do with the moon, but I can’t really imagine it.”
“Succumbing to everlasting darkness?” Twilight could help joke. “Can she do that?”
Spike shrugged. “You know her better than I do. But I guess the best way to figure that out would be to ask her, right?”
“It’s as good an idea as any,” said Twilight. Nodding to herself, she snatched up Spike in her magic and teleported away.
* * *
“Welcome Princess Twilight Sparkle,” said Luna warmly. “To what do I owe this late pleasure?”
Twilight decided to just get to the point. “I need you to kill me.”
Luna stared down at the pair of them, her face a mask of serenity to hide the incredulous expression she bore. She was well aware of Twilight’s ambition to test ways to kill herself. She, her sister, and her niece had taken up the endeavor at her request and while it had been a wonderful bonding opportunity, outside of that it had not been the least bit enjoyable regardless of her role.
Instead of saying any of this though, Luna opted for something simpler.
“How do you intend for me to do that?” she asked.
“With your powers of the night,” Twilight explained cautiously. “I figured that it might be possible to kill me if you were to pool the powers of darkness and hurl them at me…”
Luna wanted to scowl. She didn’t appreciate the horribly inaccurate description of her magic but she wisely kept that thought to herself. To be fair, no one knew how her magic worked especially when it came to her transformation into Nightmare Moon and then her return and subsequent reformation. Luna herself only had theories about it all.
“My powers do not work that way, Twilight,” Luna pointed out dryly. “At least not on their own. I suppose I could manipulate my powers to work like that if I really wanted to.”
Alarm bells started going off in Twilight’s head. Luna’s tone had been a dead giveaway that she was standing on thin ice at the moment and what she said next could make or break her. Possibly literally.
But that’s what I want! Twilight thought. Why do I feel so scared about it?
Heaving a sigh, Twilight looked back at Luna. “I’m really sorry. I guess I didn’t really understand how your powers worked outside the dream realm and taking care of the moon.”
Luna shook her head. “Do not fret. Well not anymore than you already have, anyway.”
“Right,” Twilight nodded. “But the request still stands: I need you to kill me.”
“Have my sister or Princess Cadance tried?” Luna asked curiously.
“Yes,” Twilight nodded. “We had Cadance kill me using the ponified power from the Crystal Heart and Princess Celestia by stealing her cake.”
“And she let you get away with it?” Luna asked, impressed. “I must admit that I am surprised to hear that. Sister guards her caches of sweets most jealously and seldom takes kindly to anyone who tries to steal from them.” Luna suppressed a shudder as the memory of the last poor soul to invoke Celestia’s wrath sprang forth in her mind.
It was all very unsettling despite being an immortal pony.
“Very well then,” Luna decided abruptly. “I will agree to try but in exchange, you must attempt the same for me.”
“Sure, by why?” Twilight asked.
“You were on our list,” Luna nodded to the scroll sitting on the table next to them. “We needed to test ways of dying by way of our fellow princesses.” She paused. “In retrospect, that type of information would be vital in case we ever had a civil war…”
Shaking her head, Luna looked back to Twilight. “While Celestia may provoked to murder by someone foolish enough to steal her cake, mine will not be quite so simple, Twilight. Sweet dreams.”
Taken aback by the abrupt end to the conversation, Twilight and Spike stared at each other and then out the window where, indeed, night arose across Canterlot.
“When did that happen?” Spike asked, stunned.
* * *
As was the normal case for Twilight when she slept, she dreamed. What she dreamt about typically depended on her day and her subconscious thoughts throughout them. That said, books were a safe bet for an appearance in her dreams.
“This is nice,” Twilight murmured, leaning against several plush pillows she’d found inexplicably in her “reading space”. Indeed, all around her, volumes upon volumes of various tombs could be found stacked high on the shelves around her ranging from children’s fiction to obscure pony history.
Despite delight that reading brought her, Twilight couldn’t but be on edge: Luna had not given her any clues on how she was going to kill her so even in this haven, Twilight didn’t feel completely safe given that she knew that Luna could influence her dreams on a whim.
It was here that things started to change and not for the better. One by one, Twilight’s books started to disappear. At first, Twilight, having been so engrossed in her volume about reversing a mind control spell, failed to notice this but as more and more books vanished, Twilight’s eyes peered up from the corner of her book to spot the book free shelves.
“Looks like she’s going with the dream route: dying in a dream leads to dying for real and all that,” Twilight observed. Had she not tackled the trials that she’d had thus far, having a space in the absence of books would have been approaching Tartarus for her. Now, however, this was only a mild to moderate inconvenience.
Things began to escalate when she soon found herself face to face with her one of her worst fears.
Or at least had been a few weeks ago when she had been forced to face her worst fears in the form of a haunted house. She still remembered being cornered by snakes and it was only by hissing at them that they backed off. Now that she found herself in a similar situation, Twilight hoped that the same thing would apply here.
So she tried hissing. To her disappointment, it didn’t work. She frantically tried several iterations of the hissing that inexplicably worked against the snakes in the real world. Still, no matter what she tried, it only seemed to provoke the snakes into attacking her. Twilight was certain that it would have ended badly for her had she not remembered that she was in a dream and that she had some measure of control of what happened here. At this epiphany, the snakes vanished and the creepy iteration of the room she’d been in returned to normal.
“You ruined my attempt,” came Luna’s voice, part amused and disappointed.
“Sorry,” said Twilight. “It’s just that if you were going to try killing me by facing my fears, it’s not going to work. We already tested that weeks ago and even bringing everything that could have scared me into a single place, while terrifying, was not enough to kill me.”
“Oh…” said Luna’s voice blankly. “Well… then… I suppose I will have to be more creative with my next attempt.”
“I’m looking forward to it,” Twilight responded but Luna’s voice had already gone.
* * *
Luna’s next attempt was, in Twilight’s opinion, far more creative. Of course, it still operated on the assumption of dying in a dream meant dying for real but still it was beautiful for its simplicity as most everything had been up until now. That said, it was still incredibly anti-climactic when she felt her heart suddenly stop. Twilight wasn’t sure how she felt since she was aware that it was a dream but she wasn’t sure whether she would actually be dead in the real world.
Regardless, it certainly felt real when she felt the familiar sensation of death creep upon her. Instead of being sent to wherever her soul went before being pulsed back into her body by the nameless angel, she found herself waking up in a cold sweat.
“I’m alive,” she heaved sigh of relief. “I am actually alive.”
“Pretty sure that dying in a dream does not necessarily mean you die for real,” Spike’s deadpanned reply came somewhere next to her.
“Who can really say?” Twilight shot back. “As far as we know, dreams can translate into the physiological responses that could be potentially lethal like dying in sleep which is probably the most peaceful way to go, I think.”
“Are we sure that Luna can’t kill you with pure darkness?” Spike asked.
“She said she couldn’t and it’s not like we can force her even if she could. Besides, I don’t want my dreams turning into living nightmares so I think it best not to press the issue.”
Spike wisely kept his mouth shut. He also didn’t want his dreams plagued with nightmares. He happened to enjoy sleeping in general as a pastime and didn’t appreciate influences made to ruin it. Then another thought occurred to him.
“Did Luna want you to kill her too?”
“Oh yeah.”
Boredom
“I think we’ve all heard that saying ‘I think I might just die of boredom’,” said Discord, looking up from the list.
“Is there any precedent for this happening?” Twilight asked.
“No, but since when has that ever stopped us?”
* * *
The setup was deceptively simple. Twilight was going to live the dream of several law abiding elderly ponies.
She was going to live in jail. Well, not exactly jail per say but rather in complete isolation: sensory deprivation and all. Enter the sensory deprivation pod.
“So what am I supposed to do?” Twilight asked, staring at the sleek pod that would soon become her prison.
“Just relax,” Discord shrugged. “We made sure that you get air so you don’t suffocate. The fluid has also been infused with the necessary nutrients will keep you fed and watered. Also even though you’re magic’s already been blocked but I should out that this won’t respond to your magic even if you could.”
“That’s reassuring,” Twilight sighed as Spike helped in. Once Twilight was situated in the water and certain that all her senses were cut off, she flashed a reassuring smile to Spike before nodding to Discord who sealed the pod with a faint snap.
“Can Twilight hear us?” Starlight couldn’t help but whisper when the pod sealed itself.
“Nope,” Discord replied confidently. “I made sure that she wouldn’t be able to see, hear, smell, touch, or taste anything while inside that thing. Originally, I considered sealing her in a room but I didn’t think that would have gone far enough so after a lot of thinking, I came across one of those things: they’re apparently supposed to be quite therapeutic.”
“Hmm…” Starlight hummed thoughtfully, staring speculatively at the container. “Maybe I should give it a shot sometime…”
“That’s for later,” said Spike, “for now, we can take turns keep watch on Twilight while the others play that game that you wanted to try, Starlight.”
Starlight and Discord’s eyes lit up. However, both remembered that friendship demanded they make sure. Likely, guilt would make them pay for neglecting this later.
“Are you sure?” Starlight asked.
“Go on,” said Spike, shrugging. “There were some comics I wanted to catch up on while I was here but these experiments tend to take a while.”
“Okay,” she said slowly. Before she could so much as say another word, Discord snatched her up and teleported her away. Spike grinned before grabbing the crystal mirror to keep an eye on a sensory deprived Twilight. The other claw plucked a comic from the stack he’d brought with him and began reading.
All in all it was a good day to be Spike the Dragon: Twilight was finally in a state approaching proper rest, he had the room to himself, and he had several good comics in hand. Now if only he had some sapphires then things would be perfect.
* * *
It was a boring day to be Twilight Sparkle. To be fair, that was the intent of being in this pod and to some extent it was pretty relaxing to simply float in the fluid. Now if only she could only feel what was around her.
How long am I going to be in here? Did we ever discuss that? I don’t think we did actually. It seems like they just wait until I die or that some literature mentions that a certain point is what qualifies as survival or a failure for me to die.
Still , Twilight supposed. I suppose that this is less violent compared to some of the other stuff I’ve tried even if I have a wonderful angel friend who can bring me back when I die. I just wish there’s something I can do.
In retrospect, Twilight found something nice about being in isolation. It gave her time with her times. In other words, she got to think more about things that didn’t involve her own demise. It had been nice to think about all the spells she’d like to try out once this was all of these methods of killing herself.
It wasn’t long before Twilight jumped off that train of thought and onto another one. This regarding her friends. Initially it had started as an idle thought about how they were doing with their respective lives.
She remembered Rainbow had Wonderbolts training that day and wondered what maneuvers she’d learned. She made a mental note to ask about those once she had a chance. She thought about how Rarity was managing with her three stores in Equestria and how she was dealing with the stress.
Hopefully better than I do. She could help but think with a self-deprecating smile. I think my friends know not follow my example on how to deal with stress.
It wasn’t long before she found herself stuck in a mental loop of her thoughts. It was all very boring. By the time Twilight realized that she’d been thinking about the same things for the fourth time, she decided to follow Rainbow’s example and take a nap.
Shame I don’t have a pillow or blanket or anything… Twilight lamented, closing her eyes.
* * *
No one was entirely sure how long it had been since Twilight was put into isolation despite being closely by her friends. All they were sure about was a week having since past since she went under. The three friends looked at each other uncertainly.
“Should we open the pod?” Starlight asked uncertainly. “I don’t want to risk causing a problem in the test and have to do this again.”
“It can’t really hurt,” Discord shrugged. “But it’s not strictly speaking necessary since we’re, y’know, checking all of her vitals.” He nodded to the machine attached to the pod. “From what I can tell, she’s not dead.”
“Well, there’s not really much point keeping her in isolation anymore, is there?” Starlight nodded to the pod. “We’ve already established that she’s not going to die from being isolated for any extended period of time particular if she’s going to be taken care of while she’s down under.”
“We might as well,” Discord shrugged. He pushed a button and they watched in morbid fascination as the pod opened slowly, releasing several puffs of steam. They all poked their heads into the pod where the princess of friendship lay fast asleep.
“Twilight,” Discord whispered, prodding her eyelids. “Wake up.”
As though on command, Twilight’s eyes seemed to snap open. She mechanically rose from the pod and stretched her legs and wings before making her way clumsily out of the pod.
“How long have I been out?” she asked groggily.
“About a week,” Starlight replied, nodding to the calendar on the wall.
Rather than express alarm at the realization that she’d been asleep for a week. Twilight gave another lazy stretch and stood up, mumbling about caffeine. It was such a stark contrast to how they expected her to react that they did nothing as they watched her go. Starlight was the first to break the silence.
“Just to save time for future tests like this, can we keep Twilight suspended in limbo in a place where time travels faster?”
“It’s something worth looking into,” Discord agreed. “But I think that we can strike isolation off the list. At least after we’ve conducted more trials.”
So they did. Twilight survived. It was all very boring but very enlightening. Being isolated did drive the Princess of Friendship mad after a time which was encouraging.
“Strike it from the list,” said Twilight . Discord did so gleefully.
Excess Milk
“So I’ve heard several instances of ponies vomiting when they drink a lot of milk really quickly but I’ve never heard of ponies or anybody dying from drinking a lot of milk really quickly,” Twilight remarked, looking up from her list.
“I think the vomiting would be a pretty strong deterrent for all but the craziest ponies,” Spike replied dryly. “The ones that go out of their way to try such stunts as eating a spoonful of cinnamon.”
Twilight looked on thoughtfully before looking back at Spike. “I’m ready when you are.”
* * *
“So that’s all I have to do? Just drink as much milk as I can?” Twilight queried, staring at the jugs of milk in front of her.
“Pretty much. We’ll start with a gallon and go from there,” Spike shrugged. “Ready?”
Twilight nodded as she poured a glass of milk and drank it. Of course, neither expected anything which prompted Twilight to continue onward, finishing off the first jug of milk.
“I’m not feeling too great, Spike,” Twilight reported, her head pressed against the table. “I can see why all those other ponies vomited after finishing off a whole jug so quickly. I think I’m going to need a bucket soon…”
Spike wisely pushed the bucket toward Twilight who gave what Spike supposed passed for a nod and empty the contents of her stomach before banishing it. No one needed to smell that ever again.
“I guess we can do it again?” Twilight said uncertainly.
“We might as well,” Spike nodded. So they did again but this time around, Twilight would be drinking continuously from a bottle with a refilling charm on it. It was nice on one hand in that Twilight wouldn’t have to face the intimidation of staring down several jugs of milk that seemed to taunt her psyche with their mere presence. On the other side however, there was at least a finite amount of milk that she would have to drink until she either died or managed to drink it all. With the refilling charm, Twilight could potentially be drinking the stuff forever assuming it didn’t kill her first.
To the surprise of no one, the only problem was that Twilight was getting tired of drinking milk continuously for close to half an hour. Other than the taste, all of Twilight’s vitals seemed normal. That said, there had been concerns about more fat and calcium content but did not warrant enough concern to investigate further. Even after all the milk she’d drunk, all it had served to do was annoy her stomach and force her to spend several minutes in the bathroom.
“I think it’s pretty safe to say that you’re not going to die from drinking too much milk, right Twilight?” Spike looked over to see her holding a frying pan aloft in her magic and smashing the self-refilling bottle into barely recognizable pieces. Not possessing a death wish himself, Spike wisely kept attention away from himself and scratched out milk as a possible killing method.
Fever
“Doesn’t this work in the same as your blood boiling?” Spike asked curiously.
“Not necessarily,” Twilight shook her head. “In the blood boiling case, we targeted specifically for my blood to boil. This time around, we’re going to see how high an average fever would have to be before I either suffered severe organ damage or died. Think of it as my body basically trying to set itself on fire without actually setting itself on fire.” Spike considered this for several seconds before nodding to himself. He would just do as he was told. If asked, he would say that he was simply following Twilight's commands.
Such were the perks of plausible deniability.
“So I guess the first step would be to get sick?” Spike asked uncertainly.
“We could try that,” Twilight nodded while levitating a scroll up to eye level, “or we can modify this heating spell and make it work like a fever. I think it would be much more reliable using this heating charm than relying on a pathogen to induce a fever. Now, Spike,” she said, eyes glinting, “hook me up to the thermometer. I need you to take down the temperature at which I end up dead or with some form of organ damage.”
“Okay,” Spike agreed, sticking the thermometer under Twilight’s tongue before grabbing his notepad, quill, and parchment. “I’m ready!”
Twilight’s horn lit up with her magic as she cast the charm. The effect was immediate: Spike watched as her temperature jumped several degrees. In the few seconds since Twilight cast the spell, Spike could tell that she was already showing the all too familiar signs of fever.
“Don’t do anything, Spike,” said Twilight hoarsely. “Doing so would undermine the point of this exercise.”
I don’t think I’d call this an exercise, Twilight. This is about as far from any exercise as you could possibly get . Spike wanted to retort but decided against arguing with a ‘sick’ person. Besides, it wasn’t like Twilight was going to listen.
Spike watched as Twilight’s temperature slowly but steadily increased. He could see more and more signs start to emerge: the sweat, her coat turning a paler shade of lavender, and her progressively more disheveled. It wasn’t long before Twilight’s breathing became progressively more shallow and slowly her eyes closed.
It didn’t take long for the rise and fall of her chest to stop. That coupled with the lack of a heartbeat was all Spike needed to know that Twilight was dead. He quickly took down the temperature at which her body failed and then waited patiently for the angel to come and bring Twilight back.
Sure enough, the familiar appearance of the angel appeared and without sparing Spike anything more than a glance, cast the now familiar spells. Even after sixty iterations, it was still a magical experience for Spike to see his friend arise from the dead. Even after sixty iterations, it still didn’t stop him from tackling her in a hug, at least when they were alone.
When the angel disappeared, they looked back at each other and a single thought passed through their minds.
Again .
So they did it again. Unsurprisingly, the same thing happened.
After several rounds of induced fever, they had come to the conclusion that if a fever was hot enough, Twilight could die likely for the same way as flash boiling or blood boiling could kill her: it made her internal organs not work either the way they were supposed or not at all.
101 Ways to Potentially Kill an Alicorn
Author's Note
It's been a very busy 10 months. I almost died in one of them. Read Me: Blog Post explaining reasons why this chapter was delayed coming soon...
Death Attempts: 61 - 70
Fireworks Gone Wrong
“I know for a fact that Trixie’s got more than enough fireworks with her,” said Starlight eagerly, looking down their list. “She’s had them for years now and was just looking for a reason to get rid of them especially now that she’s mastered fireworks spells!”
Before Twilight could so much as get a word out, Starlight had already teleported away. Twilight could only stare at the spot where Starlight had disappeared and silently lamented the scorch marks she’d left behind in her enthusiasm.
At least she understood how Spike felt when she’d done the same thing...
She looked thoughtfully at the broom closet and her horn began to glow its familiar magenta glow…
* * *
“Are you going to tell Trixie why you need her entire supply of fireworks?” Trixie asked wryly as she watched with thinly veiled amusement as Starlight snatched up every last firework she could find. “Not that Trixie minds, now that she’s mastered fireworks spells, they’ve been weighing her down so Trixie appreciates you taking them off her hooves.”
“It’s really not a problem, Trixie,” Starlight reassured her. “If anything, I should be thanking you for letting me take them.”
It was here that a thought struck Trixie dumb. Did Starlight even know how to use fireworks. She had no doubt that it wouldn’t take her long to figure it out. Still, what kind of friend would she be if she allowed Starlight to simply tinker with them and run the risk of it all blowing up in her first real friend’s face?
While this could be argued either way, Trixie, for brevity’s sake, decided it would be to everyone's mutual benefit if she gave Starlight a crash course.
Especially when she remembered that Starlight didn’t have a pyrotechnic permit like she did.
“Starlight! Get over here! Trixie needs to teach you how to set up and ignite this stuff!” Trixie barked as Starlight collected the last of her stray fireworks into a sturdy looking crate.
“How hard could it be?” asked Starlight almost dismissively.
“Trixie almost lost a hoof and a chunk of her mane when she tried to set off her first high powered firework without proper instruction,” said Trixie grimly. She still had nightmares about that first time. Thankfully, she survived the experience in one piece and was a little more willing to read the instruction protocols her teacher set. “Technically speaking, Trixie shouldn’t be letting you take her fireworks especially since she happens to know for a fact that you don’t have a pyro-technician license like she does.” She nodded to the framed certificate on the wall indicating that Trixie had indeed finished her certification course and was licensed to handle high powered fireworks.
That caught Starlight off guard but she seemed more willing to listen as Trixie gave her something of a crash course on pyrotechnics. She quickly realized that her friend’s line of work was significantly more complicated than she’d realized. Starlight had also come to appreciate Trixie’s effort when it came to the near-Twilight level meticulousness Trixie put into her shows and it made Starlight respect her that much more.
“You never did tell Trixie why you needed those fireworks in the first place,” Trixie mused as she watched Starlight lift the crate in her magic.
“Twilight, Spike, and I are running a few experiments with these and I wanted to avoid awkward questions that I’d get from buying them from the stores back in Ponyville,” Starlight explained. “I briefly considered asking Pinkie but I’m pretty sure she’s only got her party cannon and while she might be an expert with fireworks, I’m not sure I’d want to try to learn how to use fireworks from her… I can barely understand half of the things she does.”
“That’s fair,” Trixie agreed. She looked at Starlight seriously. “Don’t tell anyone where you got them from. I could get into a lot of trouble if word got out that I’ve been distributing fireworks to ponies who aren’t licensed.”
“My lips are sealed,” Starlight promised. She charged her horn for a teleport but Trixie’s frantic waving made her pause.
“Can you teleport on the grass, please?” she requested. “It cost Trixie two months payment to furnish her wagon this way and would prefer not to see it blown to pieces.” She paused. “She was also hoping to have a fire going for the evening.”
“No problem,” Starlight couldn’t help but wince as she remembered the numerous instances when her teleportation had left all matter of skid marks.
* * *
“I’m back!” Starlight chimed cheerfully as she teleported back into the room. In her enthusiasm, she’d left another set of scorch marks in her wake. Twilight, who’d just finished clearing the scorch marks from Starlight’s last enthusiastic teleport, shot her student a pointed look. Starlight had the decency to look apologetic coupled with a nervous laugh. Still, she’d returned with a large crate in tow.
“You got the fireworks?” Twilight asked, her expression brightening. “Where did you…” she started but Starlight shook her head vigorously.
“I can’t say. My supplier wants plausible deniability in case something goes wrong,” Starlight said quickly.
“Starlight, it’s obvious that you got them from Trixie,” Spike chimed in, nodding to bottle rockets adorned with Trixie’s cutie mark. Starlight blinked then looked where Spike had pointed. She swore several times under her breath as she conjured a can of spray paint can to cover up her friend’s mark.
“There, now no one will know!” She hissed, adding yet another layer of paint for good measure several minutes later. “Now that we’ve sorted that out. How are we going to do this in a way that could go horribly wrong and possibly end up with your tragic demise, Twilight?”
Twilight shrugged. She hadn’t spent much time studying pyrotechnics, she tended to spend most of her time on general spell theory. She’d figured that Starlight would have had a better idea, being that she was best friends with a stage magician like Trixie.
Remembering what Trixie had taught her, Starlight recalled most of her accidents tended to lead to burns. Recalling previous instances with Twilight and fire, she vividly remembered the lack of injury or death associated with fire. This made Starlight wonder if there was even any point to going through with this exercise. Well, she had gone through the trouble of hunting Trixie down, collecting the fireworks, and dutifully paying attention to Trixie’s long winded lecture about firework safety. It would be a pity if that all went to waste just because Twilight happened to have an immunity to fire.
“Well Trixie mentioned that most of the injuries she got when handling them were because of burns,” she supplied, “and to a lesser extent, smoke inhalation but since we’re testing that one later, I thought we’d use the smokeless kind.” She grinned wryly. “Trixie was out of the smoke ones anyway. You know how much she likes using smoke in her acts.”
Twilight and Spike nodded. They had remembered all too well how much Trixie loved using smoke bombs when she wanted to give the illusion of teleporting without actually having to teleport back when they’d first met her.
“Anyway, Trixie actually told me that quite a few of the accidents start with these,” she waved the sparklers around her magic.
“Really?” said Twilight skeptically. Picking up a box of sparklers she stared at them dubiously as though disbelieving that they could so much as catch fire let alone kill someone.
“That’s about the same expression I made when Trixie told me,” Starlight nodded. “She said that it was because some foal threw one through a window to wake up his friend and ended up killing his sister from the resulting fire.”
Twilight regarded the sparklers with newly regarded suspicion. She looked to Spike and silently gestured for him to light up some sparklers for all three of them. Spike obeyed with a small puff of his trademark green fire, they watched as the sparklers let lose their sparks for what felt like a minute. Starlight, having never used sparklers before, enjoyed waving it around like a wand, twirling it about much like she imagined her magician friend would during her performances.
“Now that we’ve had some fun trying these things out, let’s try actually causing some harm with them,” Starlight suggested. Twilight and Spike held no reservations and followed her lead. Spike graciously lit them up a second set of sparklers.
The first and most obvious way was just lighting Twilight on fire with those sparklers. To the surprise of no one. Nothing happened. No Twilight shrieking in pain, her coat didn’t even ignite on contact with the sparks.
It was all very underwhelming.
“Should we move on to the higher power fireworks?” Spike asked. Twilight shrugged. They had more powerful fireworks and it would be a shame not to use them. They moved on to firecrackers which Twilight found more startling than either lethal or painful but still left Twilight largely unscathed. For Starlight and Spike, there had been something approaching catharsis as years of pent up frustrations from her neurotic tendencies was channeled into hurling largely innocent firecrackers at the princess.
It became immediately clear to the trio experimenting with fireworks just why Trixie enjoyed using smoke bombs in her acts: they did make for an impressive aesthetic when used in moderation. They had a lot of fun playing with them, re-enacting some of their favorite battles before remembering just why they had come together with a crate full of fireworks and went back to work.
On the other end of the spectrum were the fountains looked nice but didn’t have the flare or appeal that the smoke bombs or firecrackers had. Next had been the ground spinners which were about as fun as the fountains. Following that was the bottle rockets which were about the next most entertaining fireworks they’d encountered and while they were certainly hotter than the sparklers had been, they had still failed to ignite Twilight’s coat or wings.
Moving on to the most powerful fireworks at their disposal produced something of a real fireworks show in the confines of the castle. Twilight had to hastily erect fireproofing wards to prevent her precious books from being burned to bits. It had been a fun experience working with the fireworks and, having used their stock of them and not observing a single death during the experiment, decided that Twilight would likely be safe from someone who thought assassinating her with fireworks would be a good idea.
Earthquake
“You know what, I’m not even going to bother trying to figure out how this all works when it’s obvious that we just need to ask Discord if he could make an earthquake for us,” Twilight deadpanned, looking up from their list.
“I was wondering how long it would take for you to realize that,” Spike chimed in from his place at the map table. “I thought you would have realized it sooner but better late than never, I guess…” he frowned. “So much for my bid in the pool…”
“A bid…” Twilight whispered dangerously. “Spike, did you bet on how long it would take for me to realize that Discord is our friend and that he could create any natural disaster we could possibly imagine?”
“Would it help if I said it was a small pool?” asked Spike hopefully.
“That depends,” Twilight replied shrewdly, “was it?”
“Um… no?” he trailed off in what he knew was a pitiful attempt to deflect attention from himself. “Anyway, we’re getting off track,” said Spike quickly, noticing the darkening look on Twilight’s face and the subsequent sensation of his blood turning to ice. “It’ll be a simple matter to make a powerful earthquake but the main issue is figuring out where to go: we’d need to find an isolated place close to as many fault lines as we can manage. After all, we don’t want anybody getting hurt from our increasingly insane attempts to see what can and cannot kill you.”
Twilight agreed and nodded to the cutie map table. She overlaid the map with a second spell for faultlines. Unfortunately, their search results turned up very little for what they were looking for. It turned out all the best places for earthquakes to occur were in major cities like vanhoover or in the ocean…
She paused, staring at the ocean on the map thoughtfully. While it was true that if she could drown if she went out there again but it would be a simple matter to walk on water with a self-levitation much like Starlight had done when she and Twilight had their duel.
“Alternatively, we could use this abandoned settlement,” Spike chimed in, pointing. Twilight blinked herself out of her musings and stared at where he’d pointed curiously. It didn’t have nearly as many fault lines to work with to make an earthquake but it was certainly easier to reach and less magically intensive. It had then belated occurred to her that they didn’t want to risk mixing up dying via earthquake with potential death by tsunami.
“I think it’ll be for the best to go with the settlement. We’ll just have to make sure that it has no historical value before we go around causing earthquakes,” said Twilight. “I don’t think it’ll take long for me to check at the archives either way.”
No one had a chance to say anything before Twilight teleported in a bright burst of magic, leaving everyone else dazed and slightly bemused. They only had to wait a few seconds for Twilight to return, a broad smile across her face as she beamed around at them.
“It’s not a historic destination so it’s fair game for anyone who wants to use it,” she announced cheerfully. “I don’t think anybody would miss it if the settlement was destroyed.”
“Great!” said Discord. “Then let’s get to work!”
* * *
“The sooner this place is destroyed, the happier I’ll be,” Starlight muttered as she and Spike kept close to each other while Discord and Twilight discussed various means of causing an earthquake. Privately, Spike agreed. The desolate town that Spike was sure had once been a sprawling metropolis spooked him out too. He was also keen on getting far away from here as possible.
“For what it’s worth, at least we won’t be in the epicenter whenever this earthquake happens,” Spike pointed out. “We’ll be in a bunker far far away from all this madness, watching via binoculars while Discord’s keeping tabs on Twilight while it happens.”
“That actually makes me feel a lot better about this whole thing,” Starlight admitted, wrapping her tail around his the better to keep from getting separated. “Should we just go there now since all of our note-taking stuff is already there, isn’t it?”
“Last I checked it was,” Spike agreed. Needing no further incentive than the prospect of getting out of the Celestia-forsaken ghost town, Starlight teleported herself and Spike to the bunker several hundred feet away from the blast zone.
In the end, Twilight and Discord agreed that explosives would be the best way to cause an earthquake. But not just a run-of-the-mill explosive that they’d known Pinkie Pie occasionally work with. No, these would be on par in power with blasts produced as a result of Rainbow Power.
It would certainly be dazzling to say the least.
* * *
“I almost want to ask where you were able to get canned versions of the girls’ and my rainbow powered blasts but I figured that I’m going to regret asking and keep my mouth shut,” Twilight said abruptly as she stood in what they’d all determined to be the epicenter of their earthquake in development.
“Is this some backhanded way of asking how I did it without actually asking?” Discord asked, eyebrow raised. “Twilight, you know how I feel about that sort of talk.”
“Um… proud that I’m being arguably unnecessarily roundabout when it comes to asking questions instead of just getting started with this earthquake?”
“Exactly!” Discord beamed, planting a gold star on Twilight’s chest. He wiped an imaginary tear from his eye before gesturing to the metal barrel and adjacent wire leading back to the bunker several hundred feet away. “So we’ve already discussed protocol for this little experiment, Starlight put a tracking charm on you so that we can find you in the debris. Also, normally we’d have to wait days for an earthquake to happen from an explosion but let’s just say I added my own little brand of chaos ,” he paused briefly to rub his talons together to release a little bit of magic dust, “to speed things up.”
“That sounds good, Discord,” Twilight nodded, “so by your estimate, how long should I have to wait for the earthquake itself to hit?”
“Hmm…” Discord produced a pocket watch and stared at it contemplatively. Twilight was able to make out the image of a chicken caught in mid-dance where the 12 would have been, while the other numbers instead were substituted with various animals. “Give it 5 minutes before everything starts crumbling.”
“About the best we could have hoped for,” Twilight nodded. “Thanks Discord.”
“Anytime.”
* * *
There was no countdown, no dramatic build up, no breathtaking climax. It was more a case of now-you-see-it now-you don’t. Discord unceremoniously pushed the button and Starlight and Spike felt the bang before they heard it. They stared at the now desolate wasteland that had once been an abandoned settlement. Starlight and Spike had to refrain from cheering at the wanton destruction while Discord snapped his fingers, disabling the shield that would have protected Twilight from the subsequent explosion of friendship magic. They’d already known what’d happen if she was exposed to that .
It wouldn’t do to mess with their experiment by having Twilight suffering from the explosion and then the earthquake. It almost made them wonder why they had left her at the epicenter rather than teleport her there once the explosion took place…
What’s done was done and it’s not like they had safeguards in place for situations such as these. Still, just as Discord promised, Starlight and Spike had barely raised their quills to their notebooks when they felt the telltale shaking indicative of an earthquake.
Starlight and Spike had made to dive into the nearby closet before remembering that their bunker had been reinforced for earthquakes courtesy of the Discord. He smirked wickedly at them.
“I’m slightly offended that you think I’d let you get hurt from this experiment,” Discord remarked idly. Spike and Starlight had the decency to look abashed as they looked up at him. He shook his head in faint amusement, “Just take your notes. Twilight would likely rip your heads off if she discovered that her possible death did not have proper documentation or that her designated notetakers were too busy panicking when they should have been taking notes while she was risking her life in the name of academic discovery.”
The pair did not protest as they snatched up two pairs of binoculars and zoomed in to get as good a look at Twilight as they could manage. Indeed, they managed to get a clear view of her from their safe haven and watched in morbid fascination as she soon found herself flying without wings into a building.
It was an impressive display of flight to be sure but the resulting crunch was decidedly less impressive.
“Twilight!” they shouted, rushing from the bunker and into the wreckage of the settlement where they had seen Twilight crash. They stared as section of concrete shifted and they could see a familiar purple hoof emerge from the wreckage. Spike and Starlight shifted more of the rock, the better to help Twilight free.
“Ah!” She heaved triumphantly as they managed to free her. Shaking her head, it was plain that she was battered and bruised much like she would have been after any long fights she may have had. “Did you happen to die while we were trying to find you?”
“No,” said Twilight, shaking her head. “Just knocked silly from the blast, more than anything.”
“You definitely had that from the earthquake,” Spike nodded. “So as far as we can tell, you only sustained superficial injuries as a result of the earthquake.”
“Sounds about right,” Twilight agreed. “Still, I want to have some more tests to see if that’s extent of my injuries every time it happens. If it is, I think I’ll be able to learn more about them from up close than any other geologist could ever hope!” She paused, “We’re going to need repair the town if we want to try again, though.”
They watched in morbid fascination as the building seemed to reassemble before their eyes.” They turned a wide-eyed stare on Discord who floated lazily past.
“Not my forte but it gets the job done, I think,” he remarked.
“Thanks Discord,” said Twilight gratefully. “It probably would have taken us weeks otherwise.
“Seeing you attempting to kill yourself makes all worth it,” Discord shrugged. “Are we ready to try again. We keep doing this for as long as you want, after all.”
So they tried again. Much like every previous encounter with anything even distantly associated with blunt force trauma, Twilight had only sustained, at worse, superficial injuries. These had easily been treated with salve.
“Should we knock this one off the list?” Spike asked after what felt like twenty attempts later.
“I would,” Twilight nodded as Starlight applied what seemed like liberal amounts of salve over her largely superficial wounds.
Smoke inhalation
“I can definitely see how this could kill me,” said Twilight thoughtfully, looking up at her friends. “Alicorn or not, I don’t think I’d survive if my lungs failed. I’m just curious how long it would take for my lungs to fail outright.”
“I think it’d be pretty easy to find out,” Spike offered. “I mean, especially given that we can monitor it in real time thanks to Discord.”
“You’re welcome!” they could hear Discord’s voice echo out in the hallway. A cursory glance outside revealed no draconequus to be seen. At one time, they would have found this deeply unsettling but as it stood, Discord happened to be a very good friend of theirs and had long since learned to take his chaotic quirks into stride. Indeed, they’d adopted the modus operandi they’d used when trying to understanding anything Pinkie did.
“Right,” said Twilight briskly to Spike, “I’ll get the lab equipment while you get a nice blaze going for us. Make sure it’s extra smokey.”
“On it,” Spike saluted, rushing off to do as he was told.
* * *
It had been a simple matter of starting a fire in their kitchen. Starlight discovered what they were up to and had decided to join them with a bag of marshmallows and an oxygen mask for herself. Spike, being a dragon, had no need for one.
Spike and Starlight watched, taking notes as Twilight started gagging on the smoke within five minutes and reflexively covered her mouth and nose with her wings only to fall to the ground in a heap when doing so. This was taking into account that she had blatantly disregarded standard fire safety protocols and kept to the air to increase contact with the smoke and by extension - ruin her lungs faster.
“How long do normal ponies last in prolonged contact with smoke?” Spike asked curiously. Starlight consulted her notes.
“I think the longest on record was six hours before third degree burns and smoke inhalation killed him,” Starlight replied. “It happened out in the middle of nowhere… like Our Town level nowhere. The only reason this was recorded was that several nomads found his remains days later and brought him to a hospital to be autopsied.” She shook her head, “it’s amazing what you can learn from cutting someone opening.”
“Sure is,” Spike agreed. They continued to watch as Twilight slowly turned cherry red from the carbon monoxide accumulation. It seemed that it wouldn’t be long before she either died or some form of alicorn miracle capped her carbon monoxide intake.
Lo and behold, with a thump, Twilight land on the ground, dead. They didn’t have to wait long as the angel descended from her hiding place to revive Twilight back to full strength with but a simple spell. As she disappeared, Twilight looked back to the others.
“My lungs are strong but they’re not invincible. It was only a matter time before the smoke and carbon monoxide took over and eventually killed me. Plus, it’s not like we don’t have a precedent with that time I was asphyxiated or gassed.”
Spike and Starlight felt stupid for not making this realization sooner. Still, it didn’t stop them from trying again and again. One trial does not an experiment make, after all.
“Is it strange that I found it just as unpleasant during the tenth attempt as the first?”
“Nope,” Starlight shook her head. “I mean, who really wants to die by smoke inhalation? No one with a sense of self preservation, that’s who.” She added before Spike could so much as open his mouth.
“Fair enough,” Spike conceded. “I mean, I’m a dragon so I breath fire on a regular basis so smoke isn’t an issue for me.”
As per their academic rigor, Twilight had been forced to death with the smoke more times than she’d cared. Just like in every other instance, she’d eventually fallen to the ground in a heap, dead. Much like every other time, Starlight and Spike would watch as their angel friend revived her and they repeated until they’d final decided.
“Strike it. We know I’m going to die from smoke inhalation,” Twilight decided. “In hindsight, it should have been obvious. I’m starting to see a trend with all the lung related deaths being successful, as far as I can recall.”
Spike needed to hear no more as he cross it off the list, marking the result as he did so much like they’d done with the ones before it.
Natural Aging
“I’m at a loss for how we would go about testing this?” Starlight asked. “I mean, wouldn’t we have to wait for years and years for that to happen?”
“Actually, no,” Twilight shook her head. “There’s actually a condition that can make this happen but we’d need to mutate the nuclei in my cells to break down my cells.”
“So how do we go about doing that in a feasible amount of time? Or are you telling me that you actually have this mutation?”
Twilight laughed, shaking her head. She didn’t have the mutation, she would have already died otherwise, but it would only take a single conversation with a certain draconequus to make it happen. Indeed, Twilight grinned as Discord entered the room seconds later. She then consulted him about mutating all her cells to make the disease to speed up her aging process.
Discord needed no further incentive as he conjured a pair of latex pair of gloves and pulled them on.
“Right,” he said briskly. “If you’d be so kind, Twilight. Please sit on this table and we’ll get started.” He nodded to the table, Twilight was certain hadn’t been there seconds before. Still, she clambered aboard and made herself as comfortable as she could.
“Is there any preference to how you want me to lie?” asked Twilight.
“Nope,” Discord shrugged. “My method will only take a few seconds so I guess it doesn’t make any difference.” Twilight didn’t get to ask anymore questions as, at that moment, as Discord blasted her with his magic. She could feel herself aging at what would she would later compare as lightspeed. Twilight struggled off the table and only managed it with help from Spike and Starlight.
“What did you do to her?” Starlight asked, shocked as he took in Twilight’s wizened features. Indeed, it was as though someone had aged her 80 years forward. She looked much like Granny Smith did if Granny Smith was an alicorn.
“A combination of oxidative stress and messing with her cell’s nuclei,” Discord waved a taloned hand lazily. “The two major hallmarks of aging, really. It would have happened over time had she stayed a unicorn but alicorn cells are a lot stronger than normal pony cells.”
“Still, it seems that alicorns can still get what I prefer to call HGPS.” Starlight and Spike tilted their heads, confused. “Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria Syndrome caused by messing around with the membrane around the cell nucleus to make it break down hence the reason why foals can die from diseases associated with old age.”
Indeed, Twilight didn’t have to wait long as she felt all the hallmarks of old age catch up with her: weakened joints, aching limbs, decreased muscle tones, and a significantly weaker immune system. Indeed, it was all Twilight could do to fight off the plethora of diseases that had seen fit to take on her immune system in its now weakened state.
Twilight shook badly on her weakened hooves. Spike was at her side in an instant to provide her support. Starlight was quick to join them when it became clear that Spike wouldn’t be able to support her on his own.
“Twilight!” Spike shouted, alarmed as he noticed Twilight’s breathing becoming more ragged and shallow. It couldn’t be plainer that it was taking almost all of her effort just stay upright much less do anything else. It was quickly becoming clear from Twilight’s breathing that she wasn’t going to last much longer.
Starlight produced several pillows and a thick blanket in her magic and spread them across the floor. Silently, she nodded to Spike who proceeded to place her gently onto the pillows while draping the blanket across her now dead body.
At least, he figured she was dead from the lack of breathing or heartbeat. A quick series of physical exams confirmed that Twilight had indeed died. If that wasn’t enough, the angel descending down to revive her cemented it. They watched in awe as with a kiss on each cheek, Twilight, now bathed in golden light, stood up and appeared just as she had before undergoing Discord’s genetic treatment.
“Well,” Twilight couldn’t help but smile despite herself. “I’ve always wanted to grow old. I guess I can cross that off my bucket list. But I can’t say anyone will be able to do it multiple times like I will.”
The tension broken, the others couldn’t help but laugh at her quip. Indeed, much like her first attempt, Twilight quickly grew to admire Granny Smith’s endurance. Working with a failing health and body certainly made things more difficult for Twilight. On the upside, at least her death was quick though not necessarily painless.
Still, it couldn’t be plainer that elderly alicorns weren’t meant or designed to age for that matter and in the event that they were to age, their bodies wouldn’t be able to handle stress of not only having that much magic but having to deal with diseases of the elderly.
However, it did give Twilight a newfound appreciation of what the elderly ponies of the resident retirement home had to deal with when they had to make that decision of living at home or in an assisted facility.
Cursed
“Well this sounds delightfully vague!” said Discord cheerfully. “How does one get cursed to death?”
“ A series of increasingly unfortunate misfortunes?” Spike offered helpfully. “Maybe it means bad luck leading to circumstances that lead to death?”
“Is there a curse that can actually kill ponies?” Starlight wondered aloud, on her own train of thought. “I feel like given the number of spells we’ve got, somepony’s bound to have come up with a curse to kill another pony.” Her eyes narrowed. “Especially during the pre-Equestrian period.”
“It’s definitely something to look into,” Twilight agreed. “I can’t really think of any other way that being cursed could directly lead to my death unless there’s a killing curse.”
* * *
“Found it!” Twilight announced triumphantly. She, Starlight, and Spike were in the Canterlot Archives restricted section specifically intended for dark magic. “But the curse is considered Unforgivable and its use on a living creature means a one-way ticket to Tartarus.”
“And we already know how Tartarus can drive its prisoners mad,” Spike nodded. “Tirek comes to mind.”
“Right,” Twilight nodded. “We’re going to need to do this by the books.” Spike and Starlight wisely ignored the dribbling drool coming from the corner of Twilight’s mouth at the thought of books.
“Should we let the other princesses know?” It seemed like as good a start as any. Twilight slipped the book on the killing curse into her saddlebags before leading her friends out of the archives.
* * *
Princess Celestia was unsurprised when she learned that Twilight intended to use the killing curse. She had, of course, stipulated that after conducting sufficient testing, the tomb by which the magic learned would promptly be returned and placed under even more enchantments as not to encourage potential unicorn assassins to its existence. There’s also the bit of wiping everybody’s memories after the curse was cast. Twilight had readily agreed and had, for once, surprised both herself and Celestia by offering to destroy the book in addition to wiping memories for all parties involved. Celestia quickly allayed her student’s concerns. The book’s destruction would not be necessary.
It required translation from the original ponish, a feat only possibly by Twilight herself and Sunburst, as no one else had any interest in learning the original ponish when there were modern translation for everything relevant. It was common knowledge that Sunburst didn’t possess the magical prowess to use the powerful magic that he’d studied his whole life.
Still, as Twilight intended to teach the spell to Starlight, much to her student’s protests, she had needed and earned Celestia’s blessing to learn and use the spell. Naturally, her student’s memory of this experience would be wiped away when it was all said and done. Starlight was already considered an accessory to Twilight’s death to say nothing of the many times she’d been directly responsible for it.
Twilight had added her own enchantments before diving through the pages. It was dry work but if anybody could do it, Twilight could.
“Alright,” Twilight called, nodding to a grumbling Starlight. “Ready!”
“Ready,” Starlight nodded. She was more than ready to get this over with and have her memory wiped. Spike sat dutifully off to the side, a quill in hand. With a nod as her prompt, Starlight charged her horn channeling her magic to do what she needed it to do.
Twilight did nothing to try to defend herself not like she could with her magic sealed. Still, everyone present watched as the sickly green spell flew closer and closer… only to dissipate on contact. Twilight stared at where the spell had gotten close to making contact and then stared at Starlight. Her eyes darted between the two several more times before she could respond appropriately.
“Are you sure you cast that spell correctly?” Twilight asked her pupil. “You weren’t thinking of anything else?”
Starlight shifted guiltily. “I didn’t want to kill you Twilight. You’re too important to me to make me want to kill you. That how that curse works. Without that intent, it took nearly every ounce of power I had to produce the spell at all much less actually get it to you.”
“I’m pleased to hear that you care that much about me,” Twilight murmured, raising Starlight’s head to stare into her eyes. Starlight’s legs felt like jelly as she felt the fully intensity of Twilight’s gaze. “So here’s what we’ll do instead: I will cast the spell, while you aim it for me. Is that fair?”
Starlight sighed as they undid the seal on her magic. She shouldn’t have been surprised by her teacher’s solution but it still felt unsettling as she felt the dark magic that Twilight conjured to kill sifted through Starlight’s horn. She could feel the raw killing intent in that magic and it was all Starlight could do to stop from misfiring it. Starlight let the magic fly and everyone watched in morbid fascination as it forced Twilight back several feet coupled with a loud bang.
Once the smoke cleared, they could see Twilight on her hooves, her mane dishevelled but largely unharmed.
“Well,” she replied casually. “That was an unpleasant experience.” She turned to Starlight and the look said everything Starlight needed and dreaded to know.
“Fine,” she sighed reluctantly. She spared a pointed glare at Spike who’d been too busy scribbling on a roll of parchment to notice.
* * *
“I hate this,” Starlight growled as she felt her head move toward her target for what felt like the 100th time that day. Twilight didn’t deign to reply as she heard another bang and the characteristic skidding sound of an alicorn sliding back several feet, still largely unharmed though more than a little winded.
“Think that’s enough to confirm it?” Spike asked Starlight.
“It’d better be,” Starlight hissed. “Heads are going to roll otherwise…”
“Where was that attitude when we first found the curse?” Spike couldn’t help but quip. Her responding glare had his mouth shut faster than Pinkie could set up a party.
“Okay!” Twilight chirped. “So we can now safely say that after this many iterations and knowing that I’ve cast the curse perfectly, I’m not going to die by killing curse!”
“That’s great!” Starlight genuinely tried to inject some enthusiasm at her teacher’s approximation. “Can I get my memory wiped now? I think I’d rather not remember this or learning the killing curse.”
“Fine,” Twilight agreed. She charged her horn and all Starlight knew was bliss.
Alicorn Hoof Punches
Twilight stared down at the list and then looked up at her compatriots.
“We’re going to need to call the others if we want to make this work,” Twilight told them. “I have a few ideas that could make this at least boring if you’d like to hear them.”
“It can be any more insane than anything we’ve already tried,” Starlight pointed out. “We’re already up to sixty something methods tested, aren’t we?”
“More importantly, aren’t we in first place for number of methods tested, and pretty thoroughly at that?” Spike added thoughtfully.
“You’re right and we are,” Twilight answered both questions simultaneously. “So here’s my idea.”
Discord, Starlight, and Spike stared at her as she laid out her surprisingly simple plan. Each face expressed a very different reaction: delighted, horrified, and just downright scared . Twilight then went on to inform that she already contacted the other princesses and that it was only a matter of time before they replied either way.
* * *
“Thanks for coming everyone!” Twilight chirped as the other three princesses walked sedately into her throne room.
“It’s not a problem, Twilight,” Cadance smiled, “but what did you call us here for? Surely not another method of killing yourself.”
“That exactly why I called you here,” Twilight grinned. “I’ve run into one that requires us all working to, in a sense, work together.”
“And pray tell, what method would this be?” Luna asked, interested.
“Alicorns punching each other,” Twilight replied.
The three princesses stared at each other curiously. In truth, none of them had ever tested just how much stronger they were compared to their earth pony constituency. They knew that they were at least as strong as if not stronger than most given Twilight’s ability to survive a fall at terminal velocity in a needle like orientation.
It was Celestia who broke the silence first.
“And how do you suppose we handle this?” Celestia knew it was obvious she felt it her obligation to ask on the off chance that she was wrong.
“By punching each other of course,” said Twilight earnestly. “I mean, I don’t mind starting with a force plate just to gauge where we stand but since all my experiments have yet to indicate an upper limit on my physical endurance especially when it comes to any form of trauma, I figured that it would be a useless endeavor. Has it been the same for any of you?”
“From what we’ve tested so far, yes, it has,” Cadance nodded. “But this sounds like the whole unstoppable force vs impenetrable object sort of conundrum.”
“To some extent, it is,” Twilight agreed. “But I think it’d be an interesting thought experiment to try punching each other to see if anything would happen.”
“Also,” Discord’s voice echoed through the antechamber that had since been turned into an arena. “I’ve sealed all the exits along with your magic so that you have no choice but to compete if you want to get out of here.”
Cadance, Luna, and Celestia immediately made to channel their own magic but all they got for their efforts were several fart sounds emitting from their horn. The fact that the arena was big and allowed for an echo meant the sound came as though several ponies had farted.
Spike, who’d been sitting in the stands next Starlight who was nursing a large bucket of popcorn, grinned guiltily at having enjoyed that little byplay.
The other three princesses resigned themselves to a duel to the finish. Whatever that meant…
“Wait! Wait! Wait!” Discord interrupted charging into the ring as the four alicorns looked ready to charge at each other. They’d all noticed that he’d changed into a black and white striped shirt and black hat, glaring at them.
“I can’t just have you charge at each other! I’ve already set up a tourney!” He produced a whiteboard from nowhere and the four princesses turned to stare at the match ups. Celestia frowned. She wasn’t sure how she felt about having to fight her adopted niece. She then reflected on this for several seconds before heaving a sigh. She’d already fought her sister and held no desire to fight her again and truth be told, she wasn’t keen on fighting her former student either. Still, Celestia would later reflect, it would probably be for the best to test Cadance to see how well she was handling the Crystal Empire.
Luna and Twilight stared at each other for several seconds before exchanging a single nod. There were no words that needed to be said. All of this would be done in the name of learning about alicorns. There would be no mention of previous encounters with Nightmare or evil versions of themselves dueling each other.
“So who wants to go first?” Cadance asked, looking between her aunts and sister in law.
“I think it best if Twilight Sparkle and I go first, niece,” Luna nodded. Twilight gave nod of agreement as she tried to remind herself that they weren’t actually going to fight. They would each get a few blows at each other and then step out of the ring.
Still, it didn’t help that there was a roaring crowd to greet her. When she looked around she saw ponies upon ponies jumping up and down. They may have agreed to punch one another but they had certainly not agreed to do so in front of a crowd. She and an equally furious Luna sans royal vestments rounded on Discord who raised both limbs in surrender.
“I had nothing to do with it,” he said, grinning at them that clearly told them otherwise.
“Whoops!” Spike’s voice could be heard. “I didn’t realize there was a remote that did that! Sorry!”
Twilight and Luna stared as Spike raised a remote, pressed a button and the crowd disappeared in a flash of light. To their relief, the crowd was gone.
“You first, Princess,” Twilight said to Luna.
Luna reared a foreleg back and slammed it into Twilight’s face.
POW .
“Did anything happen?” Twilight asked. “I didn’t feel anything.”
“No,” Luna shook her head. “Your visage has not been disfigured as a result of my blow and I put everything I had into that one.”
“Shall I give it a try then?” Twilight suggested. “We can take turns and at least make it amusing for Spike and Starlight.” They glanced over at the pair. Spike was taking notes while Starlight was dutifully dictating everything that was happening including their conversation.
So it began.
Starlight had never seen an odder sight in her admittedly short life. She watched in morbid fascination as she dictated every detail she saw to the dragon whose snout was buried in parchment as Twilight and Luna took turns punching and later bucking each other across the ring. It would have all been very violent looking had it been for the lack of blood or visible injuries on either princess’s face. As is stood presently, both princesses were winded but otherwise unharmed.
“So in conclusion,” Starlight mumbled to Spike as he scribbled across the parchment. “Princess punching has appeared to be largely painless when punching each other. It can be noted that when princesses punch each other, a squeak can sometimes be heard upon contact. It is not known where this sound originates. More tests will need to be conducted before a definitive conclusion can be reached.”
“Got it!” Spike said cheerfully but paused as he stared at his notes. “I spelled all of these words right, right?”
Starlight took the scroll from him and stared at it. It was largely accurate but she’d noticed a few misspelled words along the way. A surreptitious burst of magic corrected those and, with an innocent smile, she passed it back to Spike. “Yes, Spike. It was very good work.”
“Thanks!”
* * *
“I can’t say I’ve seen anything quite like this before,” Luna admitted as she and Twilight took their seats to watch the second of two matches between their fellow alicorn princesses.
“You mean the concept of wrestling?” Twilight asked keenly.
“No, I mean the concept of Celestia fighting without magic,” Luna shook her head. “I have done it often enough that it is not quite so strange to see me facing off against some nameless enemy with or without magic. But as you saw when I became Nightmare Moon, Celestia did not fight me until she used the elements of harmony to banish me to the moon. It will be interesting to see if she has improved any.”
Twilight leaned forward as well. She’d never seen her mentor get into any fights before. Such things just didn’t happen when you ruled all Equestria on your own. No one was stupid or lacked self preservation enough to try. Plus, given that Celestia was the tallest (read: biggest) pony in all Equestria, most ponies likely wouldn’t fair well against her, not taking her magic into account.
“Are you ready bloodsports fans!” Discord could be heard commentating using the ring’s PA system. “ ‘Cause it’s slaughterhouse time!”
Celestia snorted a laugh while Cadance rolled her eyes.
“I wish he didn’t say it like that,” Starlight shook her head. “It makes it sound more violent than it’s going to be if the last match taught us anything.”
“Do you think the squeaking will be louder this time?” Spike asked. He and Starlight stared down at Cadance and Celestia who’d just climbed into the ring to face each other.
“I don’t know,” Starlight shrugged. “Maybe?”
* * *
“Aunt Celestia, I just want to say that I hope that our relationship isn’t adversely affected as a result of what happens in this,” she cleared her throat, “fight.”
“I’m not particularly concerned about any changes in our relationship, adverse and otherwise,” Celestia replied. “That said, do you have a preference whether you would like to strike first?”
“Not really,” Cadance admitted. “We can do things however you want.”
Celestia nodded. She reared back a hoof and with all the force her impressive stature could muster. Her hoof shot forward like a bullet and Cadance flinched has she felt Celestia hoof strike. To her amazement, however, she hadn’t felt the slightest bit of pain but she was more than a little confused where that squeak had come from.
“Huh,” Cadance uttered. “Somehow, I know I shouldn’t be surprised but I can’t but still be surprised that I wasn’t sent flying out of the ring.”
“I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit, dear niece,” Celestia shook her head, a faint smile on her muzzle. “I put my all into that blow and that’s plenty sufficient to send most of my adversaries flying across the castle.” She paused. “Granted, I haven’t had to do that in many centuries. Perhaps I should start? It doesn’t seem fair that the guards get to keep the interesting affairs to themselves while I have to deal with the boring bureaucrats.”
“You could always do what I do and, when the mood strikes you, persuade a changling to take your place for a couple hours while disguising yourself as a guard,” Cadance offered. “At least that’s what Shining and I did when Thorax lived with us. Shining helped out on those days so that I could shake things up with the crystal ponies.”
“Right,” Cadance agreed, mimicking her aunt while mustering her full might. Much like the Princess of the Sun, Cadance was awarded with a loud squeak when her hoof met Celestia’s chest.
This went on back and forth and for several minutes.
Luna was nodding approvingly with Celestia’s technique. It couldn’t be plainer that Celestia had been practicing her technique since the last time they’d fought. She’d have to make a mental note on asking her where she’d learn. Luna was still a little out of practice and was more than eager to have a partner if nothing else.
“It seems the pattern discussed earlier,” she heard Starlight mutter to an attentive Spike who was dutifully documenting everything, “is consistent between all alicorns regardless of who is dealing the blow. It is important to note, however, that this phenomenon only seems to arise when alicorns strike each other and has failed to arise in instances when they impact anything else.”
Luna peaked over Spike shoulder as he scribbled everything Starlight said down on the roll of parchment. Slightly unnerved by Spike’s ability to keep up Starlight’s quickening talking pace, she turned back to look as Celestia and Cadance stumbled out of the ring, each breathing heavily. It seemed that they’d both had gotten more aggressive as they continued but no matter how closely one looked, there wasn’t a sign that they had done anything more than a moderately intense workout if the sweat was any indication.
In the interests of being thorough, they had all switched up partners several times to see if anything might change as a result of the switch.
To the surprise of no one, they did not. It had been a strange experience for Twilight most of all who’d had a difficult time punching Celestia. Not because of any perceived admiration on Twilight’s part. Celestia had long since broken her of that after, particularly following her ascension. No, it was an issue of Celestia being so much taller than Twilight that she’d actually had to glide into her punch. Not that it actually made any difference, granted.
“I’ll spare the preamble I had planned and just say that after conducting all the tests we do after each experiment,” Discord started. “It seems that if you all happened to go evil and try to take over the world, the others would still be able to stand against you and take anything you could throw and possibly give back with interest.”
“I suppose that’s comforting,” Celestia nodded. “Knowing that such a failsafe is in place should one of us falls.” She wisely decided not to bring up the probability that they all fell to their inner darkness.
“I thank you all for the ever enjoyable afternoon and bid you good day,” Discord said, and with a snap of his fingers, the arena was gone and the other princesses had been teleported back to their respective homes.
“I’m not going to lie,” Twilight began as Spike crossed ‘Alicorn-hoof punches’ off their list. “There’s something cathartic about punching a princess that you just can’t get from punching a fellow pony. Assault charges aside, I mean.”
“I’m glad you had fun though, for what that’s worth,” Starlight offered. “Maybe you can arrange something like this again in the future?”
“Great idea!”
Quicksand
“Does Equestria have any places that even have quicksand?” Starlight wondered, looking up from their list.
“Don’t be ridiculous, of course we do! Froggy Bottom Bog comes to mind as a place we could test this one.” Twilight replied. “Besides, even if we didn’t, Discord could fix that with snap of his fingers!”
“I really could,” said Discord lazily as he drifted past.
“Is that hydra still there though?” Spike asked. “We’ll need to, ahem, relocate it so it doesn’t mess with our experiment.”
Discord had been quick to remind them that he had long since commandeered the hydra for his little circus in Chaosville. They remembered all too well the many instances of testing whether Twilight could have died from being torn to pieces by all manner of rampaging animals. To the relative surprise of all parties involved, it depends.
Now all that needed to be done was some basic repelling wards for the day and to repurpose the bog to make it act more likely quicksand rather than the bog it had once been. It simply wouldn’t do if someone stumbled on them while they were testing whether Twilight would be able to withstand quicksand or any of its variations.
“At least we don’t have to worry about the hydra anymore,” Twilight remarked as she, Starlight and Discord warded the area. Though it was a largely unnecessary endeavor, they knew that Fluttershy liked to bring her frogs by so they could spend some time in the swamp. It had been a close thing too since they had spotted Fluttershy flying above them on her way back to her cottage. What she’d been doing there was anybody’s guess.
“Would you call this quicksand, Twilight?” Spike asked, prodding the deemed quick stand with a stick. That stick now stuck in the quicksand and no amount of pulling from Spike and, after a little persuasion, Starlight, could pull it out.
“Well,” Twilight said, smirking, “I’d say so. Judging by the fact that neither of you can pull that stick out of there.”
“Are you ready?” Starlight couldn’t help but ask.
“As ready as I’m going to be,” Twilight agreed. Without a moment’s fanfare, she stepped into the quicksand and quickly found herself neck deep in the stuff. She very quickly found herself bored. She couldn’t move much, her magic had been sealed and no matter how hard she flapped her wings, she wasn’t getting any closer to escaping.
“How is this supposed to kill me, exactly?” Twilight asked, looking over at her friends. “The worst that this is doing is just making it slightly more difficult to breath.”
“In every comic I’ve read, quicksand seems to drag the bad guys down into its depths, never to be heard from again,” Spike offered. “I mean, clearly that’s not going to work since we’ve been here for, what, 15 minutes now and you’re still at the level you were when you first hopped in.”
“I guess that’s what we get for thinking quicksand works the same way in comics as it would in real life,” Starlight shook her head, faintly amused. “I mean, if you really want it to kill you, you could fully submerge yourself in it. We already know that drowning will kill you. It was one of the first methods we tested. In most cases, its usually exposure that ends up killing ponies who get caught in the stuff.”
“So much for thinking that quicksand itself being deadly,” Twilight grumbled. “Thankfully, I have a strategy for getting out.”
“So is this your way of saying that quicksand is out?” Spike asked.
“Yes, Spike,” Twilight agreed. “I mean, we already know that quicksand itself won’t kill me since I’ve been it for quite a while as she continued to slowly wade horizontally back to the shoreline. Plus, we can’t isolate anyway for quicksand in the real world to be able to kill me without other contributing factors that we’d have to isolate for.”
“Sounds good to me!” said Spike cheerfully, crossing it off his list.
Voodoo
“I’ve only heard of this in fiction and obscure legends,” said Twilight, looking up from the list thoughtfully.
“What may be fiction or obscure legend for you is everyday business for me,” Discord pointed out, conjuring a voodoo doll of Twilight and nudged it with a finger.
Twilight blinked as she felt someone nudge her on the flank. Turning, she found nothing there. She looked at the doll to her flank and back again. Discord, just to prove his point, continued prodding her in the flank. Twilight had to suppress the urge to jump at every poke or prod around her flanks. While the multiple iterations had convinced her that voodoo magic was real, she could only guess.
“Well how are you going to kill me with that?” Twilight couldn’t help but ask. “I mean from little information there is about voodoo is that it can only be used to cause pain - not necessarily kill someone, right?”
“Well, I don’t know either. Maybe the pain can kill you?” Discord shrugged. “Either way, I guess we’ll get to find out, right? Besides, we already know a curse specifically designed to kill doesn’t work on alicorns anyway.”
“Fair enough.”
* * *
It had taken Discord an indeterminate period of time to make his voodoo doll which he presented proudly to his compatriots. He started eagerly demonstrating by poking and prodding her everywhere . Very few places were spared from Discord ticklish assault as Twilight found herself laughing on the floor.
Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie could be bouncing happily in the direction of Sugarcube Corner to prepare more baked goods. She paused briefly to stare in the direction of Twilight’s castle. She’d considered dropping in to pay her alicorn friend a visit. It was sounding like an increasingly good idea the more time passed. Still, she looked between Sugarcube Corner and the direction of Twilight’s castle.
“Pinkie! Hurry up! We can’t keep up with the orders!” She could hear Mrs. Cake’s desparate plea from inside the bakery.
“Coming!” Pinkie bounced inside, thoughts of Twilight’s castle banished from her mind in favor or sweet sweet baking goodness.
Besides, Twilight managed this long without her, surely she’d be able to last a little longer, right?
“Okay, you’ve proven your point!” Twilight huffed, catching her breath after her seemingly never ending laughing fit. “Voodoo exists!”
“I’m glad you’ve finally accepted it,” said Discord, nodding approvingly. “Now, shall I kill you by attempting to kill this doll?”
“Sure,” said Twilight. “Try stabbing me through the heart with it, see if that works.”
Discord agreed and with a sharpened talon, he pushed through the figure with as much force as he could muster. Twilight gasped in pain and to everybody’s surprise, a proportionally sized wound appeared on Twilight. Discord pushed further into the doll and Twilight slumped forward. The absence of a pulse, heart or breathing rate, and neurological response was enough to declare her dead.
Thankfully, their angel friend descended from wherever she’d been previously. She took one look at the scene and stared at the doll in Discord’s hand. Shaking her head incredulously, she set to work and before long, Twilight had returned.
“I think,” she said, staring at the doll with a manic gleam, “we’re going to have many new uses for that doll. She looked at Discord, do you think you can make more of some others?”
“Sure,” Discord agreed readily. “But it’ll have to wait until after we’ve had enough repeats.”
“Of course,” Twilight replied quickly.
* * *
“You know,” said Twilight after their nth iteration of dying by voodoo magic, “I don’t think I’ve been in this much pain at any point up until now during testing. I’m pretty sure every other method has been relatively quick and painless.”
“I’m sure you’d rather happily forego this experience and not wish it on anyone else?” Spike offered.
“You’re right about happily foregoing this experience,” Twilight agreed. “But I like the idea of being able to smite my enemies with this and they wouldn’t have a clue!”
“That’s not normal behavior from you, Twilight,” Starlight pointed out. “Kind of goes against everything you’ve been teaching me.”
“You’re right,” Twilight nodded. “That’s why I’m pretty sure Discord didn’t take me seriously when I told him I wanted more of them.”
“Wait really?” He hung his head in disappoint, in his hand was a newly finished Tirek doll. “I spent all this time working on him too!” He grumbled as he squeezed the Tirek doll tightly, he look of abject fury etched on his face.
“Sorry Discord…”
* * *
Meanwhile in Tartarus, Tirek felt several ribs snap with a sickening crunch .
He howled in pain as he slumped to the ground, screaming in what would be a vain attempt at pain alleviation while trying not to cough up blood. Cerberus, hearing the screams, did the sensible thing and barked loudly in the direction of the screams. After all, in Tartarus, no one would hear his screams…
* * *
“I’m over it,” Discord announced as Spike crossed voodoo of the list.
Organ failure
“How are we supposed to test organ failure if we’ve yet to break my skin with anything other than orichalcum?” Twilight asked. “I mean, some form of surgery seems like the most obvious way to induce organ failure.”
“You’d be surprised,” Spike remarked. “I mean. “If we have you take a dangerous combination of medications, it could lead to liver or splenic rupture.”
“I’d go with splenic rupture, Twilight,” Starlight added. “It has a much higher mortality rate plus it would actually be pretty easy to get one going.”
“How would we do that?” Twilight asked, curiosity getting the better of her.
“We get your blood to clot excessively while forcing your body to produce more blood cells before it exhausts its supply. Basically the RBCs are going to lose their iron and be sent to the spleen for destruction,” Starlight replied simply. “Your spleen would be dealing with the influx and since your bone marrow is going to be working overtime to make up the difference, your spleen’s only going to get bigger to the point of rupture and the subsequent hemorrhage would probably kill you.”
“Great! So how do we make this happen fast?”
* * *
“Twilight, I’m going to level with you, this seems like a genuinely terrible idea for any sane pony to be going through with,” Spike couldn’t help but snark. Twilight shrugged as she held small pills for clotting factors, a blood thinner, and a special drug that would activate EPO to increase blood formation. Naturally, in the interests of time, both had been magically modified to work faster than normal.
“I’m ready when you are!” Spike announced from his stool, quill at the ready. Twilight nodded and downed all three tablets and promptly swallowing a gulp of water right afterward.
The effect was instantaneously. Twilights legs began to swell rather like a balloon. She grimaced in pain and then the loss of sensation. She could feel the feeling return before long but felt the blood thinner working hard to get blood to her limbs. She could feel the weakness overtaking her as her bone marrow worked overtime to keep her blood supply up.
Even still, she could feel the pain in her abdomen intensify. When had that happened? Twilight wondered as she slumped to the ground. Starlight watched, eyes wide as dinner plates as her abdomen, much like her legs, rapidly expanded.
“Why did we have to start doing painful ones!” Twilight wailed, clutching her torso in a feeble attempt at pain alleviation. “This isn’t remotely amusing now! Let it end!”
As though to grant her wish, her spleen had pushed against her rib cage just a little too hard and the resulting shock had death following in short order. All three of them stared at the body. Spike was the first to muster a modicum of courage and approach Twilight. A quick exam confirmed her death and that her spleen had ruptured. He’d felt it before but now he couldn’t.
Just then, the angel had descended down upon them. Even after the numerous iterations of seeing this, it never failed to make them feel marginally less terrible about what had happened. She’d taken one look at the situation, shook head head and went work, as angels often do.
When Twilight had returned and the angel had gone. She couldn’t help but weep in abject terror for the numerous iterations that were to follow. No matter the amount of begging, Twilight would not find reprieve. The scientific method demanded repetitions to verify for consistency. Inconsistent data wouldn’t be tolerated, after all.
“Thank Celestia that’s finally over,” Twilight breathed a sigh of sweet relief as she was revived for the nth time.
“Yeah,” Starlight nodded. “Splenic ruptures can kill you. Who’d have thought? Still, at least we made sure the spells we used couldn’t be replicated.” By which, Starlight had meant that she and Discord had set them on fire and then banished that fire to a dungeon in the place where the fire had been banished to.
Painkiller Overdose
“This seems pretty simple,” Twilight remarked. “All I’d need is morphine and lots of it and probably make it worse as quickly as possible. Hopefully I can avoid any pain that might be associated with this.”
“Would there even be any pain?” Starlight wondered. “I mean, you’re taking drugs that are supposed stop the pain so how would that even happen in the first place?”
“Given what we’ve been up to recently, I’m not taking any chances,” said Twilight darkly. “Still, getting these kinds of drugs shouldn’t be too hard.”
“It’s a good thing I stocked up on lots of every kind of medication when we moved in here!” Spike announced cheerfully, a white metal box with a red cross sign on the front.
“Why?” Starlight asked incredulously. Spike stared at her.
“Given the situations that happen in Ponyville on a regularly basis, stocking up seemed like the logical thing to do,” he said finally, “and that’s not taking into account the experiments Twilight runs in the castle.” He grumbled under his breath. “I keep telling her to get better ventilation installed but does she listen? Nooooo .” He shook his head and popped the lid up, rummaging through the contents for a few seconds before letting out a triumphant whoop and raised his prize for all to see.
It was a plain orange bottle with the label ‘Morphine’ on it.
“It was a pain to get a hold of this one let me tell you,” said Spike conversationally, passing her a bottle of water along with the pills. “I ended up having to pull Twilight’s rank to get the doctors to give them to me.”
Twilight hadn’t paid the slightest bit of attention to what Spike had said and downed both bottles’ contents in one go.
Starlight had a notepad in her magic right away, documenting Twilight acute onset symptoms as she slumped to the floor, holding her head in her hooves, her speech slurred and clutching her head in her forelegs.
The closest comparison that either of them could come up with was that time when they’d all drunk themselves into a stupor after a particularly successful adventure. Spike had had the dubious pleasure of escorting each back to their respective homes (Rainbow Dash had been unceremoniously dropped in one of the castle’s many guest rooms). He still grinned fondly at how tightly Rarity clung to him and how much coaxing it took for her to finally let him go.
Things only got worse for Twilight has she tried to massage her head with a single hoof while the other moved to her stomach. It was, at best, a token effort for all the good that it did. Her moans soon evolved to shrieks of pain. Starlight, fortunately, had enough presence of mind to cast a bubble of silence. It wouldn’t do to have their mutual friends bursting through the door, demanding answers.
Still, at least Twilight didn’t have to suffer for much longer as her head hit the ground with on unceremonious thunk .
Starlight opened her eyes a fraction before dispelling her bubble and checking on her teacher. A quick once over of Twilight’s rapidly cooling corpse confirmed that she was indeed dead.
“I need to make sure that I ask her about everything she felt once she’s revived,” Starlight muttered as Spike went off in search of more morphine. She watched the angel work her magic and revive her teacher. Once the angel had vanished, Starlight helped a woozy Twilight to her hooves. Snatching the abandoned quill, ink bottle and notes, Starlight proceeded to aggressively interrogate Twilight about her symptoms, doing her best to scribble everything down as Twilight rattled off her symptoms one by one, in excruciating detail.
Starlight looked down at the barely legible scribbles that she’d called her notes. She heaved a sigh. Time to go look up a spell to make this more presentable…
* * *
“Ready for another round, Twilight?” Spike asked, holding out another bottle. Twilight looked miserable. Spike couldn’t blame her and he supposed it was a friendly PSA. Just the look on Twilight’s face had given Spike more than enough reason not consider using the medication himself.
“This is the last time I’m doing this ever,” Twilight muttered, raising the bottle to her lips.
“Just as well, I think I only have one more bottle of the stuff left and I’m pretty sure I’ve been blacklisted from most healthcare facilities for the amount of them I’ve demanded.”
“Thank Celestia for that,” Twilight sighed as she felt the familiar headache and loss of concentration kick in again.
“Nooooo,” Twilight moaned as she clutched her head and slumped to the floor and very slowly curled into the fetal position.
Spike stared for several seconds before saying while writing out his own observations. “At least we didn’t have to give it rectally.” Thank Celestia for that. He blinked as she burst out in a nasty looking rash. That was new.
* * *
“Never again,” Twilight stated firmly following her death and subsequent revival. “I’m never using pain medication ever again. I’ll just ask Zecora if she has any techniques to deal with pain or go to the spa.”
“I’m surprised your liver doesn’t hate you for doing that so many times,” Spike remarked as he tossed away the numerous bottles of morphine that had been left lying around. “Plus, I’ve heard the symptoms are worse if you’d drunk alcohol instead of water.”
Twilight shivered involuntarily at the thought. “That said, we’re striking that one off the list.”
“Already taken care of.”
101 Ways to Potentially Kill an Alicorn
It always starts with a simple question, Starlight Glimmer thought, shaking her head as she stepped into the Castle of Friendship’s main throne room. It was here that she spotted Twilight and Spike pouring over a list. While that in and of itself was hardly unusual - the Princess of Friendship had a thing for lists after all - what was unusual was the presence of the Lord of Chaos himself off to the side looking like a foal who’d been given the best Hearth’s Warming present ever.
“Twilight, I know I’m probably going to regret asking this,” Starlight started as she watched Twilight and Spike put the finishing touches on their stage of sorts before her eyes drifted to the other equipment lying haphazardly nearby. “But is this really necessary?”
Starlight was referring to the all-purpose stage that she and Spike had been building for the exercise that they’d be performing today. It was here that she reflected upon the events that let do this moment.
Starlight, much like any other pony, whether by her own volition or by random chance, happened upon a thought during dinner the night following the Sunset festival. Her mind flashed back from the days when she first met Princess Twilight and her friends to her downfall at her village of equality. From there she thought about little else but seeking revenge on Twilight for what happened to her to the battle and the moment of her redemption to her uphill struggle to understand friendship in its truest form which netted her three friends she wouldn’t trade for the world. Four if she counted Sunburst.
But there was one thought in particular that stuck in Starlight’s mind from her revenge scheming days:
Was it even possible to kill an alicorn?
“Starlight!” the unicorn snapped out of reverie when she spotted her teacher and friend along with her assistant staring at her half shocked but half curious. It only took her a second to realize that she’d uttered that thought aloud.
“Sorry Twilight,” Starlight apologized sincerely. “I was just thinking about how different things are for me now from when I first met you. I didn’t mean to say that last thought out loud. It was something I thought about a lot when I was looking for revenge.”
Twilight’s expression turned thoughtful, leaving Spike and Starlight to do the staring as she rubbed her chin thoughtfully.
“I don’t know,” she admitted. “But I’m sure that it wouldn’t be hard to figure it out.” Twilight would have gone on but a yawn made her pause. The weary demeanors of the unicorn and the dragon told the princess everything she needed to know.
“But maybe we should wait until tomorrow to look into it further,” Twilight smiled brightly as she hopped from her chair, a cheerful skip in her step as Spike rushed out after her after uttering a rushed ‘Good Night’ to Starlight.
What have I gotten myself into? Starlight thought, shaking her head as she made tracks back to her quaint little room in the castle. There was little doubt in her mind that they’d be hitting the books tomorrow.
Oh, how wrong she had been. As it turned out, there were no books about the subject on the account of there only being a two alicorns whose powers were simply too important to even consider trying to kill them.
So they’d have to go with a more hooves on approach.
“Starlight Glimmer!” Twilight started authoritatively, pulling the unicorn from her reflective state. Her imperious gaze made Starlight freeze in her place for several seconds before her imperious look melted into an easy smile, which turned into a mirthless giggle.
“Sorry Starlight,” Twilight grinned as she controlled her laughter. “But going back to your question about the possibility of killing an alicorn,” she nodded to the implements on the nearby table, “I think knowing these kinds of things in advance would definitely be useful if only to let the other princesses know so that we can take necessary precautions and besides, you’re the one who asked so you don’t get to back out now.”
Starlight wanted to make a quip about Twilight’s lack of a guard but wisely kept that thought to herself. As much as she loved her teacher, Starlight doubted that she could handle more than one Twilight Sparkle-tiered lecture per day. Her brain still reeled as she called the what little she could remember from the previous one.
When Starlight noticed Discord perusing their list, he looked up and offered a jaunty wave that she only barely returned before turning to Twilight.
“If, on the off chance that any of these methods of yours actually work, it should be a relatively simple matter for me to capture your life force and return it to your body before your body starts decaying,” he nodded. “Besides, I’ll finally get to one-up Death himself!” At Starlight’s incredulous stare, he continued. “He owes me… let’s just leave it at that. Plus, Fluttershy would no doubt be devastated by the loss of her friend and she won’t be any fun to spend time with anymore.”
Starlight turned away from Discord, who in turn teleported over to Twilight to finish the last bit of spellwork on their failsafe to make sure Twilight didn’t actually go to the great magic crystalline palace in the heavens. With the Princess of Friendship and Lord of Chaos distracted with their failsafe, Starlight turned her attention to the final occupant: Spike the dragon.
Approaching the young dragon, Starlight knew she had to speak carefully. She was almost certain that the young dragon thought that this operation was a terrible idea and that they shouldn’t go through with it. If Starlight was honest with herself, she had long since regretted giving voice to that question the previous day while they’d been having dinner. Still, she thought it would be nice for him to be able to give his two bits on the subject before they started.
Tying up all the loose ends and all that.
“You feeling alright there, Spike?” she asked, patting his back with a hoof. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think Twilight should be doing this either.” What Spike said next would almost certainly blindside her.
“Not really,” Spike replied nonchalantly. “I mean, you’re right. I think this is an awful idea and that Twilight shouldn’t go through with it. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in living with Twilight for the as long as I have is that once Twilight has some idea stuck in her head, there’s nothing anybody short of Princess Celestia herself coming here could say or do to get her to stop.”
“So why didn’t you write to Princess Celestia to ask her to stop this madness?” Starlight asked incredulously.
Spike shook his head as he pulled out a letter that had been sitting next to him. “That’s the thing, I did.” He raised the letter for her to read.
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
The question you have brought to my attention is cause for a great deal of concern. That said, I propose that we test the most common methods of death upon ourselves and reconvene with our results. Luna, Cadance, and I have each provisioned 101 methods for ourselves as per your directive and we shall proceed accordingly.
Lastly, do try to be discreet. No one can ever know about these experiments. It simply wouldn’t do to cause an unnecessary panic.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia.
Starlight stared at the parchment and then alternated between staring at it and then Spike and then at Twilight and Discord who’d since let a victorious whoop.
“So now it’s a royal decree,” Starlight muttered darkly.
“I wouldn’t be too worried about it,” Spike said helpfully. Before Starlight could go on a tirade about why she should be worried, Spike quickly continued. “There’s so far only one confirmed way to kill an alicorn: an orichalcum dagger. Twilight and I both tried it and we both died.”
“But…” Starlight stammered. “If that’s the case, how’re you two standing here!”
“Because our failsafe system works,” Spike explained, “Discord was able to collect our life force before it’s lost to wherever life force goes when somebody dies via having Death send one of his angels and here we are standing here and having this conversation.”
Starlight jaw dropped. She had thought Discord had been messing with her when he said that he could bring ponies back to life. His explanation had been almost too simple for her liking. She’d assumed that it would be some complicated process of negotiating a provision or something like that. But as she stared around at the resolute looks at three of her friends, she realized that it was that simple.
Who said chaos had to be complicated?
With that being said, Starlight turned to Twilight and tried to force a smile on her face as she asked, “So what’s the first method on that list?”
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101 Ways to Potentially Kill an Alicorn
Interlude: A Tale of Nine Ponies and an Angel
Author's Note
This is the second of two chapters being posted today: 3/25/2017
Interlude: A Tale of Nine Ponies and an Angel
It was a strange day to be Princesses Celestia and Luna. For one thing, both princesses, who would normally be out and about conducting their duties, were not in fact performing their expected duties. Well, they weren’t performing duties not pertaining to raising the sun or the moon.
Outside of raising the sun and the moon, the sisters had not been doing any work related to their princess duties. That pleasure had been relegated to the council that had been set up in light of this new development.
They had received word from Princess Twilight asking whether it was possible for alicorns to die. It was here that they realized that they had no clear answer. But as they read Twilight’s letter further, it was clear that she had decided to press onward and test this for herself and had appealed to both of them along with Princess Cadance to help her conduct these tests.
She had explained that it was something that her pupil, Starlight Glimmer, had posed to her during a meal and it had gotten her thinking.
It was clear that it had gotten Celestia and Luna thinking as well. Their subjects had assumed that given that Celestia ruled Equestria for 1000 years during Luna’s banishment, not counting the time that they ruled Equestria together prior, that they were immortal. Many theories had been spun about their immortality ranging from their connection to their celestial bodies or some manner of mysterious alicorn magic that no one would ever get a chance to study.
The truth was simple: neither of them knew whether it was possible for an alicorn to die. They’d allowed the theorists to spin their theories and boast their claims so that they wouldn’t have to explain everything themselves. Still, now that Twilight’s pupil posed the question and the princess of friendship had already started testing, Celestia and Luna couldn’t help but be curious. So they decided to participate as well when Twilight sent a second letter to them both each with an appeal for help.
Plus the fact that they were long overdue for some sisterly bonding was a plenty good excuse to put their princess duties on hold for the foreseeable future.
At least after they reassured the reformed council that they would still raise the sun and the moon.
So with that said, the two princesses had the pleasure of testing all manner of methods of suicide on themselves, each deciding to switch off so that the other could document the experience for collaborative purposes.
But there was one problem they’d quickly realized when they had started work. On the off chance that they’d stumble across a method that could kill them, how they revive themselves so that the living sister wouldn’t be left alone once this whole experiment was complete. They couldn’t afford to have an uproar in Equestria or the knowledge of alicorn mortality coming out. The two Canterlot princesses enjoyed not being assassinated and would like for that to continue, thank you very much.
The answer, as it turned out, was astonishingly simple.
Unfortunately, it came at the cost of Philomena's plumage. Not that Luna cared. That pesky phoenix had pulled more than her fair share of pranks on her and any ponies who had the misfortune of being stuck with her.
“Phoenix feathers have the ability to revive ponies,” Celestia explained to an awestruck Luna. “Admittedly, it leaves you feeling quite weak but it’s better than being dead.”
Luna had been quick to agree. It would be fitting revenge for the phoenix, Luna had mused as they had gotten started. They had soon learned that it was indeed quite possible for an alicorn to die. They had uncovered several methods by which they could be killed and they also learned more about themselves in that first week than they had in the past 1000 years they’d been alive.
Even as they went through the methods and switched off killing themselves, or each other as the situation called for, it was still a bonding experience unlike any the sisters had ever experienced.
The hardest part, by far, was keeping it a secret from their staff who’d been practically trained to learn every detail of their personal lives. It had taken several polite requests for them to allow them a modicum of privacy before they guiltily stalked off.
From there, they had decided that instead of conducting their experiments in their bedchambers, it would be wise to use one of the larger dungeons in the basement. No one ever went down there and their prisoners were kept in a jail under Royal Guard watch. Naturally, the dungeons had suited their needs quite nicely. Well, once they’d done some warding to prevent anyone snooping around catching them and did a little cleaning up.
As they cleared away the implements of their latest experiment in the kitchens with Twilight (whether Princess Celestia would actually kill her for eating her cake). As it turned out, Princess Celestia was a benevolent ruler who, contrary to popular belief, was happy to share her cake with ponies brave enough to ask her.
Still, she had to respect Twilight’s bravery for trying to steal it hence her decision to let the matter slide as she had found the whole thing hilarious. Even if she had been disappointed in Twilight stealing, the worst Princess Celestia would have done was chide her for her behavior and made her promise never to repeat it again.
It was a scarily effective method against all ponies from her sister to her students and every subject in between. She knew she had to be careful with how she used it otherwise ponies would likely go to extremes to earn her forgiveness.
“Sister, I believe it is your turn for the next method,” she could hear Luna’s voice call out to her. Celestia looked around to find her recently revived sister, trotting over. She silently accepted the elixir Celestia passed to her in exchange for the list of methods.
“So you’re correct,” Celestia agreed, peering over her sister’s shoulders to peruse the list. “Now which one should we try next…”
“Do I have to do this?” Shining asked. His ears flattened when his question sounded more like a whining protest than a question. He rather not run a spear through his wife. He had no desire to leave Flurry without a mother.
Cadance stared at him incredulously for several seconds before putting her face in a forehoof while taking a deep breath to calm herself down. She reminded herself that she needed to be patient. While there was still the council to look after the Crystal Empire when she took the time off needed to test the ways alicorns could kill themselves, Shining had to juggle raising their daughter and maintain the Crystal Guard.
It had been something of a surprise when she’d received letters from both her aunts and from her beloved sister-in-law. They’d had a bad habit of not writing nearly as much as she would have liked. What really caught the normally unflappable princess of love off guard was the contents of the letters. It had requested aid for answering a single question.
Could alicorns die?
Initially, Cadance had been tempted to tear the letters to pieces and then hurl the pieces into the fire and banish them from her mind. She had even made the motions to do that exact thing but then a stray thought gave her pause.
Celestia had taken in her in after she’d ascended following her battle with Prismia and not only trained her up to take on the role of princess but had raised her much like a mother would her own foal. It was thanks to Celestia’s kindness and generosity that Cadance had turned out to be the pony she was today: a beloved ruler of the Crystal Empire.
That was to say nothing of the influence Twilight held. She’d quickly come to respect and admire the younger pony for her relentless dedication to anything she set her mind to. Cadance could safely say that Twilight, at least in part, was part of her motivation to improve and become a pony worthy of the alicornhood she attained.
Twilight and Celestia’s impacts on her life had been very tempting motivation to not tear up their appeals for her help and actually give them a try. However, there had been something that had compelled her to refuse as well.
Said reasoning could be heard squealing somewhere nearby while Sunburst yelped before conjuring a shield to protect himself.
Cadance had already answered an important question: Could alicorns have foals?
As it turned out, they could. Apparently, there had been something of a debate about the subject and it was all very confusing. Unfortunately, Celestia and later Luna showed no inclination toward any potential suitors. When the public had gotten wind that Cadance would soon be wed to Shining Armor, the whole of Equestria had celebrated at this news. When she and Shining Armor had announced that they’d be having a baby, the excitement that news brought had put every other piece of news to shame.
Ponies had wondered what kind of pony the foal of Princess Cadance and Shining Armor would be and they were all very excited to find out. When word got out that the newborn foal was an alicorn, all minds had been blown. When the letters had mentioned ways to die, her mind had flashed to Flurry Heart who was upstairs wreaking havoc. Two thoughts floated into her head almost in tandem.
They’d better not ask me to involve Flurry Heart.
I hope this doesn’t end with Shining a widower and Flurry motherless.
As it turned out, they hadn’t, as far as Cadance could tell, asked her to include Flurry Heart on these proceedings. After she and Shining encountered Twilight, her student, her assistant, and Discord revealed to them a way to revive themselves in case Cadance died, things had gotten much less tense.
Now that they had a way to revive Cadance should she die, Cadance found herself far more willing to take up the task than she would have otherwise have been.
“Sorry Shiny,” she murmured, pulling her mind from her memories and offering her husband a long nuzzle under his chin. “But Auntie Celestia, Luna, and Twilight need our help getting this done.”
“Don’t remind me,” Shining moaned, covering his face with a hoof. “I already have to worry about the possibility of you dying. Please don’t make me worry about Twilight more than I already do!”
Cadance hadn’t thought of that as she kissed him deeply. Any complaints Shining had died on his lips as he allowed himself to get lost in the kiss. Cadance smiled through it and knew that she’d won him over.
“It’ll be just one more method we need to test for this week,” she said gently. Her previously gentle gaze changed into a fiery one. “After we finish for the week,” she purred. “We can relax, spend time with each other…”
She paused to enjoy the effect these words had on her husband whose ears perked up at the prospect of spending more time with his wife. She’d intentionally trailed off toward the end to keep things open ended and to allow him to interpret it however he choosed.
Still, she was pleased as he picked up the spear once more. At her encouraging nod, he gripped it tightly and charged right at her, plunging the spear into her as far as it would go.
It didn’t get very far.
“Huh,” Cadance stared down at the spear dangling by its tip in her chest before falling out. Turning to Shining, she said, “it hurts a bit but I don’t think I would call this lethal.”
Indeed, when Shining marked and pulled the spear out of his wife, it had penetrated roughly an inch.
After conducting several more tests and applying salve to the wound to heal any injuries, Cadance could safely conclude that she wouldn’t have to worry about assassinations by way of spears. Metal ones would simply phase through her and stone tipped ones would only do minimal damage. Still, learning this piece of information had been a relief to Shining as he’d worried that the weapons the Crystal Empire possessed could be used against them. Now that he knew that Cadance, and by extension, Flurry Heart, were protected from spears, he could breathe easier.
It was one of those rare times when business was slow and there were no customers present at Sugarcube Corner. It was these times that Pinkie Pie thought about things contrary to popular belief that she didn’t think at all. What she thought about usually depended on what had happened on her days in the recent and in some cases, distant past.
The past several days had been interesting to say the least. Not just because she’d got to make friends with a pair of changelings that had decided to move to Ponyville but because she had received visits at work from some of her friends. It wasn’t so much her friends visiting her that stood out to her. It was that they were visiting her during working hours that had briefly caught her off guard. Especially in the case of Twilight whom she hadn’t seen in quite some time.
The fact that she hadn’t seen Twilight in as long as she had and created bubbles of worry in Pinkie’s stomach. It was a feeling she didn’t like. Whenever she tried to investigate or search for her friend, she quickly remember something else that she’d have to do and give up.
It was only the knowledge that Twilight was merely busy and not on some deadly adventure with friends that Pinkie hadn’t had the pleasure of meeting that prevented her from calling a search party.
The first time, it had been Spike and Starlight who’d come to order a cake for Twilight. Pinkie already knew what kind of cake Twilight liked but Starlight had insisted she do it bigger than what Twilight normally did. She’d been bemused as this did not coincide with what she knew about the princess of friendship.
If there was one thing Pinkie knew about Twilight, her friend was a pony of habits, of lists, of studying, and of friendship. This deviation from what she knew about Twilight would have normally set off alarm bells inside her brain. However, she quickly realized that she would be debating against the only two creatures alive in Ponyville that lived with Twilight and would likely know even more about Twilight’s habits than she did no matter how good her information collection systems happened to be.
All of this aside, Pinkie had agreed to the modified order and silently hoped that Twilight would enjoy her efforts.
Or at least segue into a food fight. Pinkie would be content with that.
She still remembered the multiple tiered vanilla cake she’d made for her friend and remembered the blood, sweat, and tears invested into making the cake. The last time she put this much effort into her baking had been when she’d assisted with baking the Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness.
Or as she preferred to call it: the MMMM.
Still, Starlight had been nice enough to share pictures of Twilight’s elated smile as she saw the behemoth that was the cake. It made all the effort Pinkie put into baking it all worth it just to see that smile. She would have preferred to see it for herself but she supposed that getting a photograph of the event was better than nothing. All the same, she hung it all her wall and smiled fondly at it whenever she was in her room.
The second instance was a visit from Spike and Discord. Much like the first time, Spike hung back while Discord did most of the talking. Well, more accurately, he was asking her about tricks to make ponies laugh. It was something Pinkie loved talking about and felt not an ounce of suspicion as she and Discord discussed ideas at length. It felt nice to be able to talk about the nature of laughter with those with like minded views. She only vaguely registered the mention of Twilight and the thought hadn’t come up until after Discord and Spike had left after saying goodbye.
She wondered what Twilight happened to be up to and resolved the pay closer attention in the future.
Maybe I should ask some of the others to stake out Twilight’s castle with me. It would be so much fun! Pinkie thought eagerly as she closed her eyes to go to sleep.
It was a strange day to be Fluttershy.
Her days had gone about like they normally did: wake up, brush her teeth, eat breakfast, feed the animals, tend to any ailing ones, eat lunch, any combination of spending time with her friends, singing, playing hoofball, reading, or practicing her knitting, eat dinner, and then read until she fell asleep.
Still, the only one who visited her regularly was Discord so naturally it had been something of a surprise when she’d started receiving regular visits from Starlight Glimmer. Ever since Starlight moved to Twilight’s castle, Fluttershy had noticed the drastic change in Starlight’s demeanor: gone was the confident leader that had managed to trick them all and steal their cutie marks and in her place stood a mare lost and trying to find her place in the world.
Fluttershy was sympathetic. It was something she struggled with as well and it was something they had bonded over even after Starlight rebuilt her friendship with Sunburst. Starlight had been quite easy to get along with and certainly helped that her animal friends, Angel included, had been as interested in her as she was in them. While Starlight quietly admitted that she wouldn’t be looking for a pet any time soon, she still enjoyed spending time around her animals.
Almost as much as Fluttershy did, in fact.
“It’s must be nice being friends with all these wonderful woodland creatures,” Starlight had told her morosely during one such visit as she nuzzled a small squirrel. “Knowing they won’t judge you as harshly as some might if you make mistakes…”
Fluttershy could relate to Starlight’s fears hence the reason she spent so much time around animals. It was also part of the reason why she spent so little time around other ponies until she’d met Rarity and the others.
It was several weeks after Starlight and her ragtag group had managed to rescue the princesses and Twilight’s friends that Fluttershy had notice a rather sharp decline in the number and length of visits from both Discord and Starlight. For the life of her, Fluttershy could only begin to guess why this happened to be the case. When she pressed them for information, all she got from them was that they were busy with some business with Twilight. This lack of information served to only make Fluttershy worry for their well being.
It wasn’t until Starlight came for an extended visit did she get more details.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to come by in such a long time. It’s this project that Twilight, Spike, Discord, and I are working on with the other princesses,” Starlight explained as she and Fluttershy sipped their tea. “All of the princesses swore everyone involved to secrecy so I’m not allowed to say anything about it.”
That made more sense to Fluttershy and had gone a long way to dispelling the fears she’d fostered. She had been worried that Starlight and Discord wouldn’t want to be friends with her anymore. Hearing it straight from Starlight would certainly help her breathe more easily especially since she’d mentioned that Discord would be by in the near future for an extended visit as well.
It had been during this extended visit that Starlight asked Fluttershy an interesting question.
“Would you be willing to let me borrow Harry for the day?” Starlight asked, referring to her pet bear. From what Fluttershy saw, the unicorn seemed more than a little nervous about asking. Fluttershy couldn’t begin to imagine why. Nonetheless, this raised some warning bells in Fluttershy’s head. Why was Starlight so interested in Harry? Why not one of the smaller woodland creatures?
Truthfully, Fluttershy would not have minded letting Harry spend the day with Starlight. Indeed, Starlight had demonstrated a competency in animals Fluttershy hadn’t seen before. The only problems being the concerns that might be let loose were Harry to be spotted in the middle of Ponyville. She’d rather not have young ponies having heart attacks at the sight of him. Besides, even if Starlight took the long way around Ponyville and managed to avoid being seen, Fluttershy rather doubted that she would be able to do what Harry needed to do. Bears were temperamental creatures and it takes time to make them trust you implicitly. Fluttershy knew this from personal experience.
There also the problem of Harry having had a nasty run in with some of the more violent creatures in the Everfree forest. This made Fluttershy’s decision easier than she would have cared to admit.
“I’m sorry, Starlight,” she started and she truly meant it. “But I can’t let him out of my sight right now. He had a really awful encounter with some of the creatures in the Everfree forest and needs treatment before I can safely let him go.”
“That’s okay,” said Starlight, her voice equal parts understanding and disappointed. “Harry’s health is the most important thing here. Let Harry know that I wish him a swift recovery.”
Fluttershy smiled as she accepted the sentiments. Starlight had drained the last of her tea, noticed the time on the clock across the room and stated that she needed to get back to the castle. Fluttershy led her out and uttered a goodbye and a request that if Starlight happened to run into Discord to let him know that she missed him.
Starlight offered a smile and a promise to do as she asked before disappearing with a pop.
Applejack wiped the sweat off of her face as she looked at the baskets loaded to the brim with freshly bucked apples. There was nothing quite as satisfying to Applejack as putting in an honest day’s work. She allowed herself a small smile as she felt the faint traces of a breeze caress her face.
While she let the wind caress her face, Applejack thought back on her day. All in all it hadn’t been especially interesting. At the very least, it was only as interesting as one happened to find continuously apple-bucking to be. Nonetheless, barring apple-bucking, the most interesting thing that Applejack had seen all day was the entourage composed of Twilight, Starlight, Discord, and Spike. They spared enough time to stop for a short chat.
“So what brings ya’ll to our neck of the woods, Sugarcube?” Applejack asked keenly.
“We were planning to do some research on some of the old tomes in the Castle of the Two Sisters,” Twilight explained eagerly. “From what Spike told us, that place had all sorts of ancient spells and Starlight and I are keen on investigating this thoroughly!”
That explained why three out of four of their entourage was going… but what about Discord?
Seemingly able to read minds or that it was possible that Discord had read her question from the expression on her face. “I’m just along for the ride. Also for the chance to see if I can make those suits of armor do my bidding. I am the Lord of Chaos after all. Why should I be reduced to doing my own housework when I can make someone else do it for me!”
At one time, Discord’s explanation would have rubbed Applejack the wrong way. This explanation would have led to Applejack’s ire building to epic proportions and would have surely led to some form of property damage. Still, now that she’d gotten to know Discord better, she’d come to realize that almost everything he did was in the name of having fun.
Even if a fair bit of his fun came at the expense of someone else.
Applejack, if she was being honest with herself, probably would have turned a blind eye if he happened to send a prank in Rainbow or Pinkie’s direction. Land knew she could do with more laughter in her life.
Still, she’d waved them off and wished them good luck on their endeavors even to Discord who’d seemed only mildly taken aback by her encouragement but quickly took it into stride as he caught up with the others. She watched them until they had disappeared beyond the thick trees that made up the forest. Once they were gone, she turned back to the remaining trees and went back to work.
Every so often at seemingly random points in time, Applejack would hear bouts of psychotic laughter coming in the direction of the forest. It was at this point that she felt fear and concern for her friends whom she knew had headed in that direction earlier.
Yet I know I didn’t see them coming back… Applejack thought as she strayed from Sweet Apple Acres and trotted toward the Everfree forest. Are they staying at that rundown castle? I hope they haven’t been caught or anything…
Applejack’s concern only heightened when she heard another bout of psychotic laughter emanating from the forest. Fear and concern clashed in her for dominance and in the end, concern for her friends had driven her to gallop headlong into the Everfree forest.
At first, she’d been fine and had been perfectly able to block at the occasional bouts of psychotic laughter; her concern for her friends’ safety triumphed over any concerns for her personal safety. Nonetheless, as she traversed further into the forest down the path she knew the castle to be she felt her resolve weaken. Applejack could feel the goosebumps underneath her coat emerge and the feeling that she was being watched was more than a little unsettling.
She’d done her best to ignore her mounting fear and press on but as she drew closer to the castle that had indirectly cemented the friendship fostered between her and the others, fear took hold. She grimaced as she struggled to move forward and found herself paralyzed by fear. Not only was the laughter louder than before, she could also hear the faint sounds of growling and the sound of grass bristling.
Applejack soon found herself surrounded by timberwolves.
Forced to fight, Applejack had little trouble dispatching them. With help from "Bucky McGillycuddy" and "Kicks McGee", Applejack had been able to clear a path and escape. She felt that discretion would be the better part of valor and silently hoped that Twilight and the friends she’d brought along would be enough to handle whatever was going on in that castle.
Rarity hummed a tune to herself as she weaved the thread through the fabric. It had been a wonderful day for the unicorn. She’d managed to secure a collection of commissions from Sapphire Shores herself! Just meeting the famous musician would have made Rarity’s day but having the pleasure of being able to create several ensembles for her favorite musician had been something of a dream come true for Rarity.
And I have Starlight to thank for all of this! She beamed. Rarity liked to reflect on the day when she’d received the commission whenever inspiration was thin on the ground. It had been one of those seemingly ordinary days turned extraordinary.
She remembered it vividly; how could she not? She had just come out of the spa with Fluttershy who’d needed to get back to her cottage. Rarity vaguely remembered something about an appointment or something but could not for the life of her remember. Fluttershy had offered a hasty goodbye before beating a quick retreat back home.
Unlike Fluttershy, Rarity was in no hurry: she had no orders waiting for her back at her boutique. She’d made sure of that before going to the spa. Rarity was a firm believer in finishing work before indulging otherwise it just defeated the purpose of indulging.
As she continued down this train of thought, she’d spotted a weary Twilight being led back to her castle by Spike and Starlight. As she drew closer to them, she noticed that Twilight’s mane was as disheveled as it had been in the days in which she’d tried to avoid her castle. As if it wasn’t bad enough to Rarity’s well-trained eye, she could see her normally vibrant coat was now pale, her eyes boasted bags upon bags. Her tail was just as disheveled as her mane.
It was all the telltale signs Rarity needed to know that this was an emergency of epic proportions.
Without any provocations, Rarity galloped forward, seized Twilight in her magic, and dragged her toward the spa. Alarmed, Starlight and Spike rushed to follow her, protesting her decision to take Twilight to the spa. Rarity ignored their protests which varied from Twilight needing sleep to having a far more opulent bathroom at the castle than anything the spa could produce.
Rarity grinned as the familiar building of Ponyville day spa came into view. All she had to do was block out Spike and Starlight’s protests for a few more minutes and she’d be home free! It was here that Starlight had decided to try another approach.
“Hey Rarity, is that Sapphire Shores over there?” she could hear Starlight ask.
As the question finally processed through her brain, Rarity paused and looked in the direction Starlight had indicated. Sure enough, she could see the familiar pale golden coat, poofy blue mane and tail; all telltale signs of the famous singer. As far as Rarity could tell, it was the singer that she’d practically idolized.
Any thoughts of taking Twilight to the spa were promptly banished from Rarity’s mind as she galloped toward the famous singer. She’d failed to notice Spike grinning as he and Starlight hauled Twilight off to the castle.
“Ah! Rarity!” Sapphire beamed. “I’ve been hoping I’d run into you…”
“Really?” Rarity asked, stunned. In truth, Rarity probably shouldn’t have been as surprised as she was; she had, after all, worked with Sapphire Shores twice before on commissions, both of which had turned out better than either could have hoped for.
“Oh yes,” Sapphire nodded but before she could explain further, other ponies had wised up to the fact that there was a musical celebrity in their midst and had rushed toward them.
“We’ll go to my place,” Rarity murmured, as they galloped away with what seemed like a healthy portion of Sapphire’s fanbase chasing after them. Rarity would have normally enjoyed the attention but Sapphire’s irritation mixed with appreciation made her pause until she was alone.
“Can’t you teleport us back?” Sapphire couldn’t help but ask. “I know your friend, Twilight Sparkle knows how to.”
“Sadly… I haven’t exactly had much time to learn,” Rarity explained quietly as she checked to make sure the coast was clear. “I’ve just opened a new store in Manehatten and between managing that one and the one in Canterlot, it’s been more than a little exhausting to say the least.”
“But…” Rarity continued, grabbing two large cardboard boxes. Rarity would have likely guessed that Pinkie had put them there in case of cardboard box emergencies. “That doesn’t mean I don’t know how to disguise myself.”
True to form, Rarity and Sapphire were able to avoid the latter’s fans thanks to being concealed as boxes. Sapphire hadn’t especially enjoyed hiding under a cardboard box; she was a singer and reveled in the spotlight shining down on her. Still, she enjoyed the thrill of the pseudo-adventure with Rarity as they did everything they could to make sure they weren’t caught by her fans.
Ten minutes later and the duo had finally managed to sneak into the boutique without raising suspicion. Sapphire didn’t waste any time and explained what it was she wanted.
Rarity had agreed almost instantly.
* * *
“Finally,” she murmured several days later as she finished the last piece of the ensemble. She folded all the pieces neatly before placing them carefully into a small box. She was just about to head out to mail them when she heard the door of her shop open.
“Welcome!” she trilled, looking to whoever had entered. Her eyes lit up at the sight of Spike and Starlight and she dragged them further into her shop. Rarity quickly went to work bustling about and brewing tea.
The three had sat down, each holding a cup of tea as Rarity recounted her meeting with Sapphire Shores. Rarity thought that Starlight looked far more surprised than she ought to have been. After all, she was the one who pointed her out to Rarity in the first place!
“I’m glad you were able to get everything sorted with Sapphire,” said Starlight brightly. “But… we kind of came to ask if you could make something for us.”
“Of course, dears!” she replied eagerly. Her horn lit up as paper, ink, her glasses, and quills flew across the room toward her. She had barely managed to put quill to paper when Spike intervened.
“We need hazmat suits,” he said quickly. Rarity blinked, dropping her supplies to the ground with a loud clatter.
“Hazmat suits?” she repeated, her voice high pitched and borderline hysterical. “Why?”
“One of Twilight’s experiments,” Spike started but Rarity raised a hoof.
“Say no more dears,” she said resignedly. “I completely understand. So one for you two and Twilight?”
“Actually, Twilight’s already got one,” said Starlight quickly. “But we’ll need one for Discord.”
Rarity seemed taken aback by this but heaved a sigh while letting a small smile slip back onto her face.
“I’ll take care of it.”
It was a boring day to be Rainbow Dash.
Wonderbolts training had finished for the day and Rainbow had been at a loss for what to do. Her default decision had been to take a nap but the problem with that was that she was too pumped up on adrenaline from practice to be able to nap as she normally did. Her next thought had been eating and Sugarcube Corner came to mind. There was little doubt that Pinkie would be thrilled to see her and would be interested in planning some pranks with her while they shared a fresh batch of sweets.
Then she remembered Spitfire’s mandatory eating regimen for the new wonderbolts and that idea was struck dead. At least until the end of the week. Nonetheless, It had been a point of contention between Rainbow and Pinkie when the former had told the latter about it but Pinkie had reluctantly backed down in respect of Rainbow’s dreams.
So she decided to fly. Hopefully if she flied long enough, the adrenaline would give out and she would be tired enough to get the nap she craved.
As it turned out, even after twenty minutes of high speed flying, the adrenaline still hadn’t give out. If anything, Rainbow felt more lively now than she did before.
It was here that she realized that Twilight’s castle was not far at all and then an idea came to her.
“Maybe I can get Twilight get cast a sleep spell on me or give me a potion to help me,” Rainbow murmured. Gaining altitude once again, Rainbow flew as fast as possible in the direction of Twilight’s castle. The speed with which she flew had been fast enough to create a sonic rainboom.
If Rainbow had been paying attention, she wouldn’t have needed to bother with going to Twilight’s castle. If Rainbow had been paying attention, she would have noticed that her sonic rainboom had been contained in an orb before it could let out its immeasurable powers. If she had been paying attention, she would have noticed Discord, Starlight, Twilight, and Spike on the ground below her.
As it was, she didn’t notice any of this and instead made tracks to the castle.
* * *
Rainbow burst into the castle foyer, loudly announcing her presence. She hadn’t bothered with ringing the doorbell; after all, this was common practice for her. What wasn’t common practice was not receiving some form of greeting from Twilight, Spike, or Starlight whom all somehow knew when she came calling.
“Twilight! You in here!” Rainbow called, landing on the cool crystal floors and began to search for her wayward friend. Several minutes of searching later and Rainbow concluded that she was not in the castle.
“Where is she then?” Rainbow wondered aloud as she walked into the throne room and took a seat at her own throne. She quickly made a mental note to put some soft cushions there. While her throne looked as awesome as she expected it to be, the fact remained that it was not as comfortable as she would have liked. She resolved to remedy this in the future but there was still the current problem of Twilight’s non-presence in her castle.
It was here that she noticed a slip of parchment taped to the table.
Curiously, Rainbow picked it up and read it to herself.
To whom it may concern,
I am currently out of town on business and I unfortunately will not be back for several days. If you could leave you contact details when you leave, I will do my best to get back to you as soon as possible.
Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle.
Princess of Friendship.
“Of course she would be away now of all times,” Rainbow rolled her eyes in annoyance. So much for getting any help from Twilight today.
Maybe Zecora would be able to whip up something to help her with sleeping problem...
Angels had all manner of responsibilities that they needed to fulfill. Some extracted the souls of those who have died. Some guard the gates to paradise and hellfire. Others keep tabs on every living creature in world, recording every good and bad thing that they’ve ever done while other angels enforced the rules of nature.
All this being said, being an angel had its perks: not having biological needs certainly opened up time for them to be productive. All angels had been firm believers in eating, drinking, and sleeping being overrated anyway even though they were sympathetic to those organisms who needed to rest. Another such perk is being able to assume the identity of anyone. It is a power comparable to that of the changelings. The main difference being that angels happened to be much better at being who they were disguised as than changelings were.
One such angel had just finished extracting the soul of an elderly earth pony. It was obvious that her soul was still as pure as it was the day he was born. The fact that it had come out as easily as pouring a glass of water was a testament to that.
It was here that she found herself face to face with Discord: self proclaimed lord of chaos.
“Hello,” said Discord, grinning at her.
“Hi,” she replied shortly. She was just about to head out to extract another soul when she found her path blocked yet again by the draconequus. She attempted to bypass him to resume her duties but Discord, ever the saboteur, blocked her path at every turn.
Even when she tried to escape by way of teleportation.
Heaving a sigh, she asked. “What do you want from me? I’ve got things to do.”
“I need your help with something,” he said briskly, dragging her away. The angels who’d noticed decided against saying anything.
“So what is this place?” the angel asked, looking around.
“Welcome to my little corner of the world,” he said simply. The angel knew Discord too well to take him seriously. This “little corner of the world” defied all the laws of nature. Other angels had tried to change the environment but to no avail. In the end, they gave up and left it alone.
“So what do you want from me?” the angel asked briskly. “I’ve got work to do and I don’t like falling behind as I’m sure you know.” She couldn’t help but smile as Discord shivered uncomfortable. It was clear that he remembered their last encounter quite vividly.
“I need your help,” said Discord as he explained the situation to her. The angel’s expression remained carefully blank as Discord explained what he wanted her to do.
“Hmm…” she murmured thoughtfully once Discord had finished. If she was honest with herself, she’d never encountered an alicorn soul before but hadn’t thought much about it. “So let me get this straight: you want to test whether it’s possible to kill an alicorn?”
“Exactly.”
“Why?” she asked incredulously.
“Academic curiosity?” Discord offered.
“All of this in the name of academic curiosity,” the angel’s voice had left incredulous territory and had entered hysteria.
“It was the alicorn’s idea in the first place,” Discord added flippantly. “Well, actually it was her student’s idea but you get the drift. Her student posed the idea to her and she actually decided to test it. For what it’s worth, the other alicorns are going to be testing this as well.”
Hysteria seemed to vanish on the spot as the angel regarded Discord thoughtfully. Surely no one would notice if she skived off once every so often to assist with this insane operation that Discord had proposed. After all, there were millions of angels around and they was little doubt that they would be able to pick up the slack.
Besides, from what Discord described. He seemed to be under the impression that it would not be a common thing so she wouldn’t have to worry too much about falling behind on her responsibilities.
So she agreed.
“I’ll need some way to know that it is your alicorn that’s dying,” she stated. “My information can only tell me that someone is dying and can take me to them. I need a way to distinguish your alicorn from the rest of the souls that I need to pull so that I can have everything ready at a moment’s notice.”
“That’s easy,” he said confidently. A snap of his fingers later and a six point star badge was bequeathed onto her. “It’ll vibrate when she’s dead so that you can come and work your magic so that she’ll be okay again.”
“Fine,” she replied and Discord flashed her a silly smile before disappearing. The angel stared at the badge before stuffing it away and returning to her duties.
* * *
The angel wondered not for the first time if she regretted her decision to help Discord. He kept her posted on how their experiments were going though she could never be bothered to remember them for long. She had been thankful that for as far as she could remember, they hadn’t yet encountered a death yet. Still, a deal’s a deal and she didn’t feel inclined to back out now. Besides, if she did, Discord would harass her even more than he already did.
The first time her badge vibrated, the angel had just finished extracted the soul of an elderly pony who’d lived a long and wholesome life. She reviewed the spells needed to make the revival work and then travelled to the alicorn Discord had mentioned.
Her name was Twilight Sparkle apparently.
“Not any stranger than any of the others, I guess,” she shrugged. As per usual, she descended from above backed with golden light as she began her spellwork. These were mostly simple spells angels used when it was deemed that they had passed before their time was up but were applicable here too.
“Thank you,” the alicorn named Twilight said sincerely.
The angel stared at her and shrugged. “You’re welcome.” With that, she quickly left.
If only she knew… Really, it should have been obvious from the beginning but the angel was too busy with her own duties to give much thought to scientific method. Still, she could not be blamed for failing to realize that they would repeat experiments multiple times. Regardless, it made things hectic for her when they stumbled across a technique that happened to prove fatal to Twilight. The angel was halfway tempted to simply stake out the castle on such instances. It would save her a little time and energy at any rate.
Still, at least Twilight was a decent conversationalist. Usually when an angel came calling it meant death had arrived. Usually, such instances involved pleading to be sent back or resigned acceptance in the form of blissful silence. It was all very boring to the angel but she could safely say that no one had ever questioned what it was like to be an angel. She almost regretted having to give one word answers to her questions as she was absorbed in the spellwork involved in the revival.
Nonetheless, the angel found herself enjoying these little dialogues with Twilight. It was a nice change of pace if a little awkward with some of the questions.
“Do you have a name?”
“What do angels do with their free time?”
“Where do angels come from?”
Awkward silences tended follow whenever these types of questions were asked. She was just thankful that Twilight seemed to have enough common sense not to press the issue. Those were the kinds of things she didn’t like talking about.
Still, in recent weeks, the angel found herself more interested in Twilight’s experiments of self demise and taken to keeping tabs on them between duties. Indeed, whenever Twilight died, the angel had taken to sticking around invisibly to watch the subsequent attempts.
Regardless, this interest would have to be explored at length and she figured that she could only do that by sticking around.
Hopefully none of the other angels would notice if she was slightly slower with her duties because of this.
