The story, the whole story and nothing but the story.
Author's Note
Greetings fellow readers, This is Undisturbed Grave and this is a story that in no way should be taken seriously. I wrote this in one night, with a lack of sleep because I couldn't. I ran in through Grammarly afterward and that's about it for spelling. I got this idea a long time before I wrote any of my other stories. ButI thought it was too stupid to make. Take a few fanfic later, and now I decided to give it a shot. There is a reference to other fanfic in this story that is not mine. Please respect those writers. Also, the character will not really act like themselves for the sake of a joke. Now, on to the show...
The story, the whole story and nothing but the story.
Oh hello there. My name is Unmarked Grave and this is stories time from lack of sleep. Today story is a story of madness, fright and a large amount of vodka. Our story begins at the Crystal Empire, where Derpy is about to go on another wild adventure.
“I don’t think we should be doing this.” Ditzy aka Derpy Hooves said as Doctor Hooves lead the two down the hallway of the Crystal Empire’s castle. The reason for the little adventure; Doctor Hooves found a strange map with odd writing on the top. He believed that if he read the word on the place marked on the map, he’ll be revealed the secrets of the world. Or get a new hat, he wasn’t clear on the translation. As he turned a corner, he looked up at the map to see at the end was a door.
“This is it, my friend.” He said with a loud voice. “Behind that door is possible the answer to all of the life’s question. Who are we? Where we come from? Why are there only six hot dog buns when there are eight hot dogs?” He quickly rushed to the door with Derpy following right behind him. He pushed the door open and look inside to see what treasure was inside. What he got was a mirror.
“That it! A mirror!?!” Derpy said as she looked up at it. “We risk being thrown into prison for something I can see at home?”
“Ahh, but I haven’t read the words yet.” Doctor Hooves said, tapping the top of the map. “When I read this, the mirror might show us the answer.”
“Or give you a new hat,” Derpy said, rolling her eyes.
“I hope it’s a Fez!” He said before straightening the map. After clearing his voice, he began reading the ancient words. “The following work is a fan based parody. MLP, MLP: FIM and Equestria Girl are owned by Hasbro. Please support the official release.” As he spoke the last words, the mirror shimmer and glow a deep green. A green ball shot out and flew past the two. It flew out the open door and disappear down the hall. Derpy look over to the stunned Doctor.
“You think that was your Fez?” She asked him. He quickly shoved the map into his pack and chased after that.
“Get back here! You own me a hat!” He shouted as he ran after it. Derpy sighed and pursuit after him. High above Equestria, the green ball was making record time as in flew through the sky and towards one town in particular: Ponyville. As soon as it entered the town, it screeched to a halt. It slowly drifts until it was about seven feet above a dirt path. From there it opens wide, preparing to release its payload. The other end of the portal was hunting for three targets. It quickly found it's the first target in the middle of doing a little experiment.
She seem to argue with itself over doing some kind of test it just performed on a yellow pegisa, something to do with acid. The unicorn yell at the thin air about how other ponies need saving and she was the one to do it. She didn't need saving from anything. The orb decided to slip under the unicorn and open up. The unicorn was taken by surprise and quickly was swallow by the portal.
The portal wasn’t done just yet, there were still two more ponies it needed but not from that world. It quickly searched through the void until it caught it next target. This one seems to give a speech to a young foul, who was crying at her hooves. The orb listen as she made some speech of truly loving the fowl before it decided that it heard enough. Before she could continue, the portal open right behind her. With winds, as powerful as hurricanes, it sucked the sky-blue pony in without any struggle. The fouls who were left behind started at the spot where the pony once stood in shock.
“We’re free!” One of them shouted, causing them to cheer and rushed out the room they were held in. The portal still needed one more pony but it already found this one. It followed the scent of sweets and rotten flesh until it found her. She was standing over a restrained Rainbow Dash, preparing to cut the cutie mark off her hide. This time the portal appeared behind her, a wooden sign also appeared with an arrow pointing inside.
Pinkie was about to stab into Rainbow Dash’s mark when she heard a loud tearing noise. She turned to see the portal with a wooden sign: INSIDE, CUPCAKES. She raised an eyebrow at this.
“Whoever made this must think I’m a moron.” She said before turn to continue her work when she heard a slight buzz noise. She turned back to see a neon sigh was added to the wooden one. It lit up to add: WITH SPRINKLES. “Mmm, sprinkles,” Pinkie said in a dazed trance. She walked into the portal before it swallowed her, leaving Rainbow Dash strapped to the table.
“Hello? Is any pony going to let me go?” She called out to the darkness. As silence answered her, she looked at the skull of her old griffin friend. “At least your life over.” She muttered to the skull. The portal, on the other hoof, was ready to deliver it victims to their new location. As it let out a loud spitting noise, the three ponies popped out and with a loud smack, hit the ground hard enough to knock them out.
***
The sound of birds is what awoken Harmony Twilight first. The second one was the crushing pain of having two unconscious ponies on top of her. The third thing was the smell of leather as one of the ponies was wearing leather pants and her ass was press against her face.
“Get the hell OFF ME!!!” She shouted before blasting a spell, sending the two flying in the air. The one who was in leather awoken in midair and quickly whip around to face Twilight. It was here that the two recognize each other causing them both confusion. “I killed you!” Twilight shouted, pointing shakenly to the leather-bound Dash. “And where did you get the leather uniform?”
“Kill me? What the hell are you talking about?” Factory Dash said, landing on the ground. “How am I here? I was at work in the Cloud Factory. How the hell did I get here?” A groan from a bush caused the two to turn. The bush rustled until a dazed Pinkie emerge. She looked up to Factory Dash and gasped loudly.
“How did you get out of yours restrains? And where did you get the leather uniform?” Cupcake Pinkie asked. Factory Dash growled in frustration.
“What is this? Like I ever let a unicorn kill me or an earth pony.” She said, putting extra disgust behind her words. “I’m going back home and pretended this never happen.” With that, she shot into the sky. As the two watch her disappear behind the clouds, Cupcake Pinkie decided that was probably the best idea. She slipped away to head back to Sugar Cube Corner, hoping to continue her work and redo her lottery.
This leaves Harmony Twilight to be left alone. Well, not completely alone. As they two left, a filmier voice spoke to her.
“You know this mean that you can start over.” Subconscious Twilight pointed out. Harmony Twilight wave the thought away.
“No. I need to research this.” She said, starting to head to the center of town. “And while I’m walking there, I can come up with a new plan. First order of business, new title when I take over.”
“How about Princess of Friendship?” Subconscious Twilight suggested.
“Nah, how about the Friendship Cannon?” Harmony Twilight counter with. The “two” discussed as she headed to the library.
(Cloudsdales. Weather Factory.)
“For the last time, we do not have a secret factory.” The Pegasus said with a frustrated tone. Factory Dash didn’t get what was going on. She always comes to this desk and said the code word to get to the Rainbow Factory. Now this Pegasus was looking like she was crazy and almost every pony asked where she got the strange suit. Now, as she walked out of the Weather Factory, she saw a couple of fouls who see knew failed the test fly by without a care in the world.
“What is going on!?!” she shouted. She looked around before it dawned on her. “It’s that Twilight. This must be some kind of trick. Well, she messed with the wrong horse.” She shot back into the air. It was time to hunt down that little witch and end her.
(Sugar Cube Corner. Basement)
“Where is all my stuff!?!” Cupcake Pinkie shouted as she searched through the piles of party supplies. “My knives, my hacksaw, MY special coat. Where did it all go?” She tore apart the small basement. “Some pony is trying to play a prank on me. Oh, I know who. It’s that Twilight who’s behind this. Well, her number’s up.” She looked around the basement until she saw a large mallet in the corner. “It’s not a knife but it will get the job done.” She said, arming herself with it. She quickly picked up a folder that had Twilight name on it. This will help in her hunt.
(Center of Ponyville.)
“How about Friendship Force?” Subconscious Twilight said as the “Two” turn a corner.
“Harmony Incarnate.” Harmony Twilight said.
“I don’t know.” Subconscious Twilight said uncertainly.
“Screw you, I’m keeping that one.” Harmony Twilight said. Due to her talking to herself, she didn’t notice Fluttershy until to two bumped into each other.
“Oh, I’m sorry Twilight.” Fluttershy said softly. “I was on my way to have tea with Discord and I guess I didn’t…”
“DON’T TALK TO ME, WORM!” Harmony Twilight Shouted before storming away. Fluttershy was stunned before she ran crying to her hut.
“Did she say something about Discord?” Subconscious Twilight asked.
“Ignore her.” Harmony Twilight said. “We’ll have this all figured out when we get to the library.” At this moment, she turned to see what was left of the library. “Where is it?” She asked out loud. “Ok, I’m going to close my eyes,” She squeeze them shut. “And when I open them, it will be right where…” As she opened them, she was awarded with the exact same sight. “It not there. I don’t get it. It should be here. Library doesn't just disappear, they are slowly chipped away by bureaucracy.”
“Did you miss a payment?” Subconscious Twilight asked.
“No, I didn’t miss a payment! I demand answers!” Harmony Twilight shouted, stomping the ground.
“Well, if you want answers. Go to your local library.” Subconscious Twilight said with a cheeky attitude.
“Ha ha.” Harmony Twilight said dryly. “You know, keep that up and self-lobotomize myself.”
“Oh please.” Subconscious Twilight said, rolling her eyes. “You know, you can never hurt me. You’ll risk getting rid of your best friend.”
“You’re not my friend.” Harmony Twilight mutter angrily.
“If I wasn’t your friend, how would I not know this song annoy you.” Subconscious Twilight said. “Winter wrap-up, Winter wrap-up.”
“Don’t you dare start singing!!!” Harmony Twilight shouted, causing a couple of bystanders to quickly look away. She heard a weird pop behind and turn to see Discord appeared with his back to her.
“You know, Twilight.” He said, nose to the air. “I’m only good because Fluttershy is my friend but you ever make her cry like that again, I’ll…” He would of continue but when he turned around, he stopped short. “You’re not Twilight.” He pulled a pair of reading glasses and look closely at Harmony Twilight. “Tonight, the part of Twilight will be played by wingless, more evil version of herself.”
“Silence, you fool.” Harmony Twilight shouted, grabbing Discord by the throat and throwing him into the ground. “Now, you are going to answer my questions or so help me, I will be wearing your head as a belt.”
“Please don’t put that image in my head.” Subconscious Twilight mutter.
“Shut up, you’re already in my head!” Harmony Twilight shouted at her.
“Who are talking to?” Discord asked, spitting out dirt.
“I’m not crazy! You’re the ones who are crazy. Especially you, other Twilight.” She pointed threaten at Subconscious Twilight.
“Hey, there no need to hurt ponies feeling.” Subconscious Twilight said, a little hurt. Harmony Twilight growled and turn back to Discord.
“What happen to my library?” She asked in an almost demon voice.
“It got blown up.” Discord answer. Harmony Twilight started to shake him back and forth.
“How did that happen!?!” She demanded.
“I’ll answer you if you would stop shaking me.” Discord stutter out. As soon as Harmony Twilight let go, Discord snapped his fingers. He disappeared in a cloud of smoke, leaving Harmony Twilight to stare at the empty plot of land. She let out a roar of anger and started to punch the ground.
“Why did I let him go?” She shouted. “It going to take me forever to hunt him down.
“Say, did we always have a castle in Ponyville?” Subconscious Twilight asked out loud. Harmony Twilight was about to asked what she was talking about but saw the way she was pointing behind her. She turned to see a large castle a few blocks away.
“Alright, I bet you he in there.” Harmony Twilight said. “Either that or a better library.” The “two” started running to the castle.
(Twilight’s Castle. Map room.)
“I don’t get this game.” Twilight said, putting down some cards. “None of these cards seem that funny.”
“I’m telling you.” Rainbow Dash said, picking up the box. “Cards Against Pony kind is supposed to be awesome. Amazon says so.”
“Who?” Pinkie asked, finally picking a card.
“My roommate in flight school.” Rainbow Dash answered. “She got a job delivering packages.” A loud crash interrupted discussed as Discord suddenly appear, right in Twilight’s lap.
“Twilight, it’s horrible.” He said in an overdramatic voice. “There a clone of you running around, making Fluttershy cry. Also, ruining your good name or something like that.”
“Discord, what are you talking about?” Twilight asked, pushing him off her lap.
“There is a version of you without wings who seem to be insane. I mean, she was talking to herself.” Discord explained, picking up a card from the table and reading it. “what the hell’s a clop fic?”
“Discord, are trying to say you want to join our game?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“No, I’m telling the truth.” Discord said. “Look, just go down to the center of town. You’ll see I’m telling the truth.” Twilight rolled her eyes and push away from the table.
“Fine but if you’re lying,” Twilight said, walking to the door. As she opened it, she was greeted by a large mallet come flying down. Rainbow Dash was able to move quick enough to move Twilight out of the way. The mallet smashed into the floor, leaving a crater in its wake. The four look up to see a crazed Cupcake Pinkie holding the mallet and looking a little pissed.
“Knock Knock.” She said, lifting up her mallet again. “Pinkie home.”
“Hey! That’s my mallet!” Pinkie shouted. This caused Cupcake Pinkie to turn her attention towards her. “Which looks way better with you.” Pinkie quickly added. “You keep it.”
“Every pony run!” Twilight shouted. The group turned around to run for the back door when the sound of glass cut them short. They look up to see a leather-bound Rainbow Dash come down from the sky. She landed right in front of them, her eyes on fire.
“What in the name of sweet Celestia is going on?” Rainbow Dash shouted as her duplicate started walking to them. “And where did she get that leather?”
“Rainbow Dash, if we get out of this, I’ll buy you some.” Twilight shouted. “Right now, turn left!” The group tries heading for the door that leaded to a hall but the door swung open and enter Harmony Twilight.
“I told you that he was here.” She shouted to no pony. The group was being forced by the three to a corner.
“Does any pony got any planes?” Rainbow Dash mutter as the three psychos started to get closer. Discord look around quickly then point wildly towards the air above the three.
“Look out! There an evil Apple Jack.” He shouted. What shock every pony was it work. The three turn to where Discord was pointing, allowing for him to make a door out of thin air. He quickly opened it and drag the other three inside. The psychos turn just in time to see him close the door.
“Crap!” Harmony Twilight shouted, quickly slamming the door. “What are we supposed to do?”
“Use your head.” Factory Dash said, grabbing her from behind. On the other side, Discord had taken the other three to a kitchen walk-in supply closet, with no exit.
“Come on, Discord.” Twilight groan, looking for something to fight off the intruders. “You couldn’t get us to a safer place.
“I don’t perform well under pressure.” Discord said, looking in a cabinet for something to use. “Do any of you have something to fight them off?” He asked as he pulled out a spoon.
“I found a frying pan.” Pinkie Pie said. A large crash cause them to look and see that Harmony Twilight head sticking out a hole she made through the door. She shook the splinters from her head and her eyes light up.
“I'm cured! I don’t hear her anymo…” She was cut off by a frying pan that Pinkie Pie brought down on her head. “Nope. Now, she back.” She said disappointedly. Pinkie cocked her arms back and smash the frying pan like a baseball bat into Harmony Twilight’s face. She went flying backward, taking both Factory Dash and Cupcake Pinkie with her. The three crashed into the wall with a thunderous crash. The group took this chance and ran out of the closet and down a hallway.
“They’re getting away!!!” Cupcake Pinkie shouted. Harmony Twilight shot up and point a hoof at their direction.
“Rápidamente, debemos perseguirlos!” She shouted at them.
“Great, now this one is talking funny.” Factory Dash moaned. Cupcake Pinkie pick up her mallet and whack Harmony Twilight across the face.
“Pourquoi fais-tu ça?” Harmony Twilight asked in a daze.
“This is a waste of time!” Cupcake Pinkie growled. She brought the mallet up to behind her and swung as hard as possible. The hit smashes into Harmony Twilight, right in the back of her head. The hit sends her flying towards the running group. Pinkie turn around just in time to see the flying pony heading for them.
“Every pony, DUCK!” Pinkie shouted. The group ducked as Harmony Twilight flew above.
“Я не утка, я бог!” Harmony Twilight shouted as she flew past them into a door the group was trying to get to. Harmony Twilight stood up shakenly and turn to the group. “Alright, you little ponies. This is the end of the line. No way I’m letting you get past…” The door swung open, smashing into her from behind.
“You know what, Twilight!?!” An enrage Fluttershy shouted from the doorway. “I do some much for the girls. I let you all walk over me but I have a literal god on my side. One who was able to defeat both Luna and Celestia. You’re the one who should be bowing to me!!!”
“Oh no, there an evil Fluttershy.” Pinkie said, scared.
“No, she just got into the vodka again.” Discord said. “Give her a few minutes and she’ll be all weeping.”
“We don’t have a few minutes.” Twilight said, looking behind to see Cupcake Pinkie and Factory Dash were heading at them. “Fluttershy, I don’t know what you think I said but we really need to…”
“Twilight, did I say you can talk!?!” Fluttershy said, whipping out a bottle and taking a swing. “I mean, sure you save us a couple time but I’m the element of kindness, for Celestia sake. But who get more space of the stain glass windows. Who owns a giant castle without paying any rent? Who has an apprentice that is able to take control our minds?”
A large crack slice through the air as a hoof broke through the door. Fluttershy look over to see Harmony Twilight trying to break out.
“Oh, now she got an evil clone.” Fluttershy said. “Where my evil clone? I’m could have easily become evil, you know.” At this moment, the four tackled her through the doorway. Twilight lead the group while Pinkie and Rainbow Dash carry the drunk Fluttershy. Discord was turning the floor behind into ice in hopes to at least slowdown Cupcake Pinkie. They quickly turn into a room and lock the door. They turn around to see they were in some kind of guest room.
“Alright, what the plan?” Twilight asked the group, trying to ignore the loud banging from the Psychos trying to get inside.
“You know, Rainbow.” Fluttershy said, hanging off her. “There a bed over there. If you know what I mean.”
“We don’t have time for this.” Twilight groaned.
“Hey now, let’s see where she going with this.” Rainbow Dash. Twilight face hooved as Fluttershy whispered into Rainbow Dash’s ear. A loud crashed made the group look to see a hole in the door, with an eye of Cupcake Pinkie looking through.
“How many doors does this place have!?!” She shouted as started to break in.
“What do you want!?!” Twilight shouted, backing to a window. She gestured to rest of the group to start opening it. “If we can do this quickly, we might be able to fly out. Rainbow Dash, you carry Pinkie. Fluttershy should be fine on her…” She turned to see at the moment, Fluttershy was sliding on the floor.
“I’m a snail. She said with glee.
“Yeah, Fluttershy isn’t flying anywhere.” Discord pointed out. “I could carry her but…” The sound of wood splintering cut them off. They look to see Cupcake Pinkie was through the door, breathing heavily.
“No more doors.” She said between breaths. “I will end you right here, right now.”
“Hey, no one threatens my friends.” Fluttershy said, getting up slowly and swaying unsteadily. “Back off or I will release a swarm.” She said this while wavering her arms around.
“Oh no, not the drunk.” Cupcake Pinkie said, with sarcasm. She brought the mallet and poke Fluttershy in the shoulder. “Move out of the way or I’m going a smoothie out of your flesh.”
“I warned you.” Fluttershy said. She dramatically brought her arm down. “Swarm! Attack!” Almost like it was out of nowhere, a large pink cloud of butterflies flew into the room and swarm onto Cupcake Pinkie. Doing absolutely nothing to her.
“You couldn’t summon bees!!!” Twilight shouted, backing to the window.
“Well, that was entertaining but now to finish this.” Cupcake Pinkie said, brushing the cloud of butterflies behind her. As she raised her mallet, a cry of panic cause her to stop and turn around.
“Where did these butterflies come from!?!” Factory Dash shouted. “I can’t see!!!” They watch as she crashed into Cupcake Pinkie, causing her to drop the mallet. The two flipped through the air and went right out the window that Twilight was planning to jump out of. The two crashed into a tree that was outside and slide down with a loud thud. Fluttershy stumbles to the window and look down at the fallen two.
“It’s called the butterfly effect bitches!” She shouted before she collapsed backward, falling unconscious.
“Well, that take care of two of them.” Pinkie said, picking up the mallet. “Where the third one?” As if she was waiting for this moment, Harmony Twilight popped in the door with a crooked grin and blood covering half face.
“I am not that easy to get rid of.” She said, laughing evilly. “Now it's my turns for reve…” Pinkie smacked her across the face with the mallet.
“Pinkie!” Twilight shouted.
“What? It cured her before.” Pinkie pointed out. Harmony Twilight got up and shook her head.
“You are entering a world of imagination. Not of sight or sound but of mind. You next stop, Twilight Zone.” She said with her teeth grit. Pinkie smacked her on the back of the head again, causing her to fall face forward.
“Why you do that?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“Because I felt it was going to get annoying. This is coming from me.” Pinkie pointed out. Harmony Twilight popped back up but this time with a smile.
“Order now and you get this free wash pad plus fifty bits worth of cleaner.” She said before Rainbow Dash smack her in the back of the head.
“Girls, we need to stop. We might be doing serious damage to her.” Twilight said, yanking the mallet out of Pinkie grasp.
Harmony Twilight shook her head and this time she had a weird look in her eyes.
“Liberals want you to believe you need more Celestia in your lives in order to solve your problems.” She started to say before Twilight swung the mallet straight down on her head, knocking her out. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie look at her in shock.
“Well, I wasn’t going to let that go.” Twilight said. “So, what do we do now?”
“I believe we can handle this.” A voice called from behind. They all turn to see a group of unicorns that were wearing business suits and holding suitcases walking to the room. Behind them was chained up Apple Jack and Rarity with their mouths duct tape, a smaller pony with a weird device on her front leg and a crazy looking Big Mac.
“Who are you?” Twilight asked.
“I’m Writer Block. We are the lawyers of the Equestria and we demand an immediate halt to this fanfic. Boys!” The one in the front said. The two beside him ran up to the unconscious Harmony Twilight and tied her up in chains before dragging her with the rest of the group. As the two were starting to push the group out the room, the one with the device on her leg cried out.
“Hey, I was going to be the next Fallout Equestria.” She whined as they drag her away.
“No, you weren’t,” The leader said before the henchmen drag them out the room. He turned to the stunned group. “As for you three, can you look up here?” They look at him and his horn flashed. “You were not just running for your lives. You will forget that this ever happen and you will continue making stories about your lives. Now, I’m off to stop some writer who thinked that it’s a good idea to make a story to cross over Deadpool and Pinkie Pie.” And with a flash he and all the ponies who were with him disappeared. It was at this moment, Fluttershy sat straight up, wide awake.
“Oh sweet Celestia, I used butterflies to kill some ponies!” She shouted.
***
Watching from a distance was the green orb that had brought the three. It was hoping that they would have cause more chaos but alas they did enough. Maybe it should bring a whole army of other Twilight to ended them…
“Got you, you little baster.” Doctor Hooves shouted, causing the orb to turn around to see just in time for a rope to wrap around it. He tugged the orb down to the ground and tied the rope so it couldn’t move. “You are either going to give me answers or a hat right now.” He demanded. The orb made a loud humming noise before disappearing it thin air. “Oh come on!” Doctor Hooves shouted. “I just wasted about twelve hours of my life.”
“So did I but you don’t hear me complaining.” A voice cried out from the sky. Doctor Hooves look up to find the voice.
“Who said that?” He asked.
“It is I, the author, and I think this story need to stop.” The voice called out.
“But you didn’t explain anything. What was the green orb? Who were those ponies and why were they crazy? And more important, where the ending?”
“You want an ending!?! Here’s your ending!!!” The voice shouted. Suddenly, the sky filled with H-bombs and detonate all at one.
And that, my children, is how Derpy saved Hanukkah. I will return next time, when I answer the age old queation, Can Twilight defeat Superman. until next time, Cheerio.
