Getting Started

(1yr 6months, for those curious)

CRUNCH!!!!

CRACK!!!!

“Oww motherfucker! How long have you been torturing for? A week before you got me? Seriously my no armed grandma could do better.” I say before spitting blood on the ground.

That’s definitely a broken rib.

Oh well.

Five god damn weeks. This dumb dick has been torturing me for five weeks trying to get info I don’t have. Seriously wha-

“AHHHH!!!! Fuck! Use a little lube if you’re going to penetrate me.” I quip.

“Subject is still resisting torture. Previous scarring provides evidence of prolonged experience with pain. Side note, wounds heal quicker the more nutrients subject 626 has internally, noted upon use of medical nutrient bag. Shallow wounds heal within a day. Bones vary depending upon fragmentation. Nutrient bag used to prevent potential weapons. Three dead. Eyes removed via spoon and consumed.”

Fuck those dicks. Especially that first one. He was a big dick.

I feel the knife he just stuck me with get ripped out of my body. God fucking damn it I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m just glad I know Mira is out there setting everything up.

~~~~~~

(Bandit Camp: Mira)

After having gotten into so many places during my life as part of the Hive, a place like this is actually pretty dull. To the point I can’t even see these idiots in front of me as a potential threat.

“That’s when I cut his fucking balls off.” A dark green earth pony says, finishing up his bloody tale.

“How many MORE times are you going to tell that story?” A bronze griffon asks him in a tired tone. Seriously that is the fifth time TODAY.

“I’ll tell it as many times as it takes till ya’ll know not to fuck with me.” He says, brandishing a dinner knife and trying to be threatening.

It has been five weeks now, bit longer then it would normally take for me to weaken an outpost, but this place was bigger than we were expecting. I have gotten it just about done it though. Now I just need to bide my time and finish the set up.

First, poison tonight’s meal. Nothing deadly just a little something to give everyone who eats stomach cramps, diarrhea, vomiting, uncontrolled flatulence. Which I have thankfully, managed to pull off without getting caught.

Second, plant charged rubies at strategic locations. The explosives are dual purpose. First they inform Walker that everything is set and we are beginning. Second they weaken/destroy key defensive locations. The best part is that since its Walkers runic works, that were charged by a fire, they are a much more difficult to recognize during a magic sweep.

Luckily for me, Walkers work on runic script with the Zebras allowed him to make a second detonator for his equipment.

Looking out of the doorway for the mess hall I can see the sun has just finished setting. Good the time has come to make my rounds and drop off ‘presents’ for the guards on duty.

Since I started here, at sunset, after I finish serving dinner, I make rounds to those on guard, handing out bottles of wine, bread, cheese, fruits and meats to those that want it. Nothing big, just some snacks to ‘help’. Sadly all I could poison is the wine but that stuff always handles itself if you’re smart. ‘Oops was the bottle not strong enough? Oh I’m so sorry Mister Scary Bandit. Please here have another.’

Let them get themselves drunk. By the time its shift change most are too, as Walker would put it, ‘shit-faced’ to even realize what’s going on. And tonight they are going to suffer dearly for that mistake.

I have managed to get a couple of looks at Walker. He still seems to be alive. My empathic abilities have kept me up-to-date on his general state but it’s still nice to actually see him. I just have to wait.

“Hey! Bring me more ale Clean Plate!” The green earth pony yells over to me.

A small sigh escapes me before handing a bottle to him. “Here you go Swift Kill.” Seriously, how bland a name can you get for a bandit? Also he loves to kill slowly. So his name doesn’t even fit like other members of his species.

“That’s right you little shit you better bring me more!” Hollers Swift Kill. He bites the cork and spits it out right at my face.

‘Just stay calm he’s going to die tonight anyways.’ I think to myself. “Is there anything else I can get any of you before I make my rounds?” I ask struggling to maintain my cover.

“Get the buck out of here you little shit.” He says before turning back to the table.

Walking away is an effort in self control to the extreme. I’ll just kill him later.

Half an hour later and I’m wandering around handing out snacks to the guards while dropping off the “special gifts”. The base has several locations I need to stop at.

The first is the forge built into a mountain, to hide the glow of the forge from prying eyes. They have been using it to build and repair their equipment. Also it doubles as their Armory. They have all the stuff on racks and hanging up on the walls. Just drop a couple of gems around the place, one by the wood pile to help burn the area around the forge burn. I place another two gems under the table in the middle of the armory so it will splinter and ruin more of the equipment. That should be enough to take out the entire forge room.

Next stop is the six guard towers around the camp. I quickly bury a ruby at the base of each tower before bring the snacks up to the guards. I make sure it’s only covered enough so no passers-by will notice it if they have a torch.

A quick stop by the barracks, it is dangerous but we will need to make sure there are as little reinforcements as possible. I almost got caught twice but a quick sleep spell and a knife to the throat solves both problems.

My last stops are the front gate and the interrogation tent. The last one is where Walker is being kept, so I won’t bother placing any there.

I drop off the remaining three rubies near enough to remove the gate once they go off.

After handing off the last of the food and drink I head back to the kitchens to get ready. Mostly just have to get Walkers equipment together.

A sigh escapes my lips. For a supposedly ‘simple man’, he certainly carries a lot of stuff that can cause quite a violent reaction. Also the amount of knives, throwing stars and spare tools is a bit mind boggling. If it wasn’t for the fact that I know he knows how to use them all I would have assumed he was an idiot.

What am I saying? He is an idiot. That dumb bastard. He is such a hassle to deal with some… most of the time. I mean who seriously creates an explosive that goes off when thrown. What happens if he dropped one of those star thingies? He would lose a leg if he was lucky.

ERRGGGHHH!!!!

THUMP!!

“OWWWIE!!

Kicking the table in my room only hurts. Why am I so worked up?

He is a moron. Proven by how many mistakes he makes. I mean seriously you would think he would know enough about himself after all the torture he has been through to keep himself calm. But no, he had to take on that request to….

Another sigh and I decide to just let it go. It’s not important now. I need to set off the explosives and get to Walker as quickly as possible.

~~~~~~

KAAA-BOOOM!!!!

A thunderous explosion rocks the tent we are in.

“What in the unholy name of Tartarus was that!?” Prick asks to no-one. Yeah I started calling him prick since I don’t know his real name. I hear him walk out of the tent. “Find out what’s going on. I’m heading to the front gate.”

Did they really just leave me alone? Are they fucking stupid? Oh well my gain.

SNAP!

Breaking the leather straps holding me to the central post is simple.

“HEY! What are you doing in there?” Oh yay, they left me a present.

The one who walks in is none other than Dusty-dick from the pass.

“Nice to see you again, I am glad I get to kill you first.” A sadistic grin spreads slowly across my face.

“I would love-.“ He falls to the ground mid-sentence. Behind him stands a pony.

“Fuck you, you stupid bug he was mine to kill!”

“I would have let you, if you wouldn’t have toyed with him first.” A shimmer travels his form revealing Mira. “You have gained the bad habit of being a bit sadistic when you get into situations like this.”

I stare at her for a moment before I take a few deep breathes. I can feel that lust for blood rising again. Thank God for my bug. She is really amazing. Also really cute, and sexy…

I feel my cheeks flush with the memory of that night a couple years back.

“Here’s your stuff.” Mira toss my stuff right at my face.

I take a moment to dress and equip myself.

I run my hand gently over the knife I gained from the Dragons. “Hello Thorn. It’s a pleasure to hold you once more.” Yes I named it Thorn, because with this blade in hand I am a thorn in the side of all I fight.

“You know I always enjoy watching you get ready. It’s like seeing a superhero putting on his outfit. It’s all dramatic and awe-inspiring.” Mira giggles behind a hand.

I tend to be a bit dramatic when putting it all on.

First thing is my grey cotton sleeveless vest. It’s nice and comfy. Next goes on the boots, good strong leather made from manticore hide. Got them the first time I stayed in a griffon town called Feather Falls. Next up goes the belt that holds Thorn and my five throwing knives, followed by a bandolier for throwing stars and one for my runic gems. Though I do have more gems in the pockets of my cloak, which I put on last. That reminds me I have to remember to thank Elizabeth for the cloak next time I see her.

“It’s good to be home.” A small content sigh escapes me as the weight of everything settles on to me. Odd thing to say I know, but all this equipment is my home in a sense. It’s what keeps me safe and secure.

The noise outside the tent reaches a fever pitch. Closing my eyes I can clearly hear the sounds of ‘men’ dying horribly at the hands of others. To my mind it is the beautiful song of war. Not a real war but…oh my, the bloodshed. A wondrous thing it shall be to spill their blood.

Something soft and warm comes in contact with my lips. My eyes immediately shoot open in concern, only to see Mira kissing me.

The effect is immediate, which means I fell flat on my ass and scrambled backwards like a bitch.

“The fuck Mira!? Why the hell did you do that!?” I sputter. God why is it that she always trips me up like that. Any sort of affection from her and I am at a complete and utter loss on what to do. Yet I can make all the dirty jokes in the world and flirt shamelessly. God forbid a slightly attractive female shows me any sort of genuine attention and suddenly I just draw a blank.

“You looked like you weren’t fully back yet.” She says with faux indifference. The look in her eyes tells me clearly that she was scared.

I sigh. Damn she is way too good for me. I stand up and dust myself off. “You’re right. I wasn’t fully in control. Thank you, Mira. Thank you for keeping your word after so many years.”

“I told you I would always be here to remind you of who you really are and I meant it.” A smile I rarely get to see graces her muzzle. It is truly beautiful and serene.

I take a deep breath then slap my cheeks hard. “Yosh! Let’s go be a pain in the fucking ass!”

~~~~~~

The camp is a complete fucking disaster. Tents are burning, people are dying, and limbs are littering the ground. Speaking of the ground, in the short amount of time it took me to get ready it has become so saturated with blood that my boots actually sink a little. Not much but enough for me to tell anyways.

Scanning the battle field I can easily spot most of the team I was working with decimating the remaining bandits. Seems the poisons and explosives did theirjob splendidly.

“Oh hey, I see someone I promised to kill.” Looking off to my left with several dead bodies around him is that minotaur fuck I promised to kill. “I think I should go say hi.”

“Walker.” Mira says in a warning tone of voice.

“I’m still me, honest truth. But he hit me in the gut with the butt of his ax, called me a weakling and bitch slapped me. I ain’t gonna take that shit. Now excuse me.” I draw Thorn as I walk over.

He spots me immediately and grins. “I do believe you said you would kill me once you had the chance.” He is cocksure I’ll give him that. I also decide to give a pair of shuriken to the face. Sadly they don’t reach, but then again it doesn’t need to hit him specifically.

The moment I threw them he brought his double headed axe up to block his face, but the moment they made contact with the axe they combusted. The loud sound followed swiftly by the bright flash of light dazed him since he wasn’t prepared. Quickly capitalizing on it, I rush in drawing Thorn and unleash a hard hook right to his ribs. It’s tight, crisp and focused.

The blow results in a very satisfying cracking sound. “There. Now we are both suffering from a broken rib. It’s a fair fight.”

He just steps back with a grunt before readying his axe.

We stare each other down as we try to get into the others blind spot by circling. “Have you ever really thought about this whole circling each other thing, it’s kind of stupid really.”

He lunges towards me with a diagonal swing trying to sever me from hip to shoulder.

I lean back out of the way, feeling the light wind off the beard of the axe. “Yeah, most other people I try to talk to about it don’t really have an answer for me either.” He brings the axe back down a quick pivot on my left foot sees me out of harm’s way. I launch a counter-attack with a brass-knuckled jab to his left should. Not as hard as I could. Taking into account for the extra damage of metal meeting skin I pull my hit just enough so as not to break more bones. To easy if I just break all of their bones.

I flip my knife around for a quick backhand stab but hit only air as he backs up, stupid choice on his part. Another shuriken fly’s towards his face but he is more aware this time as he just leans out of the way. He responds with a quick horizontal one-handed swing but the space between us is enough that even with the one hand he doesn’t have the reach.

We start to circle again. “This is fucking stupid. You know I am not going to let you get into my blind spot and I know you won’t let me into yours. Walking in circles is just a waste of stamina.” I pull out a diamond and slap it into the blade, giving it a sharper edge, but also since the wind that will be coming in contact it also serves to protect the blade.

Idiot rushes me again trying to split me down the middle with an over head swing. It’s wild, powerful and leaves him completely open.

So…

I decide to be myself and cut the head of his axe off.

I pivot on my right foot this time but still turn my left side to him. After severing the axe head I deliver a quick snap-kick to his gut causing him to lean over.

I pause for just a moment while facing away, theatrics really, before I drive the blade straight up into his face. I can feel the blade pierce cleanly through his forehead. It’s quite satisfying actually. Though that could be the dick sleeping inside me, but eh.

I pull the blade clean from his skull with a squelch of brain matter. “Dick.”

~~~~~~

“Quite the tale.” Princess Luna announces. “We wish to hear another.”

Oh boy.