The Most Serious and Literary Story Ever Written, by R. Cringe

by Raw Cringe

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1853

War. Adultery. Intrigue. Famine. The metaphysics of magic. Moral shades of grey. No good choices. Tragedy. Suffering. Despair. Nihilism. Existential meanings. Twilight Sparkle navigates a world in which life in Equestria does NOT shimmer.

War. Adultery. Intrigue. Famine. The metaphysics of magic. Moral shades of grey. No good choices. Tragedy. Suffering. Despair. Nihilism. Existential meanings.

Twilight Sparkle navigates a world in which life in Equestria does NOT shimmer: the world of babby's first epic, subversive, gritty, genre-bending adventure story.

Published 2017-01-21 11:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-01-21 11:00:01 UTC

~Totally Epic~

The grip of night's dark embrace ensheathed Canterlot.

It was long since the birds had ceased their titterations, long since foals had retired at the behest of their parents, and long since the sun's warmth had retreated to its arcane resting-place in the heavens, whose precise location no pony knows save one; and yet, that one pony was alert and awake, pacing the otherwise serene halls of her own castle, her mind fixed on a new threat to the nation's security.

The colonnades of the hallowed throne room stood strong, and the stained glass hagiographs set in its walls still passively illuminated, despite the darkness, the glories of magic demonstrated by the power of friendship in days past: the dramatic rescue of the Princess from the Nightmare, the news of which had struck Equestria like lightning and raced across the countryside like a wind-driven prairie fire; the late stone-bound incarceration of Discord, whose menacing shadow and deformed countenance were still seen by foals from time to time under the bed and on the way to the bathroom at night; latest of all, the momentous ascendance of Twilight Sparkle—scholar, mage, librarian, and faithful student—into a full-fledged Princess of Equestria.

Princess Celestia stalked through the hallway toward her throne room, accompanied by her trusted knight, Vine Garland. Vine carried in one hoof a smoldering candle upon a silver tray; fastened to his other hoof with a swiveling clasp was a great lance that hung over his shoulder. The dim light from the candle wavered with each step, throwing variegated dancing shadows at steep angles against the marble walls.

As the two of them entered the throne room, the Princess's grim silence unnerved Vine, but he dared not to break it by speaking out of turn. He was grateful when the Princess relieved him of the need to.

"I can feel it, Vine," Celestia said. "I hear it moaning in the air; I feel it in the earth trembling under my hooves; I see it in the dimness of the stars tonight. I perceive it in the fluctuations of the magic field, the way the ley lines are bending, the unmistakable resonance signatures, and even... even in the weakening magic of friendship in my own soul." Though standing upright as best she could, the Princess was still visibly downcast, and there was a struggle written faintly on her face, a struggle which her strength, though immense, was still not sufficient to fully contain.

"Is it true, then?" Vine choked out. "Has that cursed prophecy really come to pass, as we feared?" His wide pupils reflected the flickering light of the candle, and the sparking effect it created gave his question a certain edge of urgency.

The Princess closed her eyes. "There can be no doubt. The greatest evils of the world have now merged into one, and there may be no power of goodness left in Equestria strong enough to stop it." A tear formed in the duct of her eye. "Perhaps not even the Elements."

"You can't think such things!" cried Vine. The outburst shook the candle and created a violent flicker of light. A puddle of spilled wax quickly congealed on the cold marble floor. The stained-glass hagiographs in the throne room towered imposingly over the two of them. "The Elements cannot fail to vanquish evil, however strong it may be!"

"Vine, you are still young," sniffled Celestia. "Still idealistic..." She sighed and turned to Vine, nervously stretching her wings. "Nevertheless, in case hope yet remains for Equestria, I will contact Twilight Sparkle. Take down this letter..."

The candle continued burning, ever flickering, long into the night.

The morning sun rose over Ponyville to find Twilight Sparkle's eyelids growing heavy. She had been awake all night—working, researching, testing. Sitting at her bedroom desk, she wore a fluffy pink nightcap and a pair of warm matching slippers on her hind hooves. A cup of lukewarm coffee, half-filled, was her only companion as she pored over the literature on magical anomalies. Spike lay sleeping behind her, nestled cozily in his spot in front of the crackling fireplace.

This has to be something big. The magic field is violently distorting: twisting in on itself, randomly reversing the flow, even warping into non-homologous topographies. This insanity... it reminds me a little of... Discord? But his effect wasn't like this one—either as unpredictable, or as powerful...

Twilight resignedly shut another book that proved fruitless. She glanced over at Spike, and decided she would take a break.

Stepping toward the fireplace, Twilight looked down at the baby dragon who had been her constant companion since fillyhood. Her lack of sleep was making her more emotional, and as she looked at Spike's adorable drooling mug, she cracked a smile and felt a warm glowing feeling well up inside her.

Twilight sat down on her haunches. The radiating fireplace had warmed the floor, and the morning light from outside peeked in through the crevasses in the shutters. Twilight lowered her neck until her face was touching Spike's. She nuzzled him gently for a moment before whispering to wake him.

"Spike. Spiiiiike..."

Spike didn't budge. The fireplace crackled, and the morning light streamed in.

Twilight set her hoof gently on his shoulder, and rocked him softly back and forth. "Wake up, Spike! Rise and shine!"

Spike grunted and then suddenly opened his eyes. He blinked several times in quick succession before slowly sitting up. Then he gave a long, loud yawn.

"Mornin', Twilight," he muttered. "Did you get any sleep last night?" A crumpled copy of a comic book, Tales From the Loft, was laying where Spike's torso had just been.

Twilight shook her head and grimaced. "I must have looked through a good two percent of the academic literature on magical anomalies last night, but I couldn't find even a footnote that was useful!" she complained. "Anyway, I need a break. Come to the Café Hay with me and I'll buy you breakfast."

"Breakfast? I'm in!" Spike perked up and jumped to his feet, but then stopped with a startled look. "I mean, j-just a minute, Twi, I... think I've got... something... stuck..." Spike pounded on his chest with his fist; then, he released the troublesome pressure into a burp. The burp ignited into a mystical green flame that swirled and coalesced at last into a scroll, sealed with the Princess's personal seal, which descended slowly in midair before Twilight Sparkle's widening eyes.

"A letter from the Princess!" cried Twilight. "Of course! She must have sensed the anomaly as well. I'm sure the Princess will know what to do!" Twilight smiled confidently and, bursting with curiousity, hurried to open the scroll and read what was inside.

The smile quickly faded from her face, however. As Twilight gazed upon the fateful words of the Princess, her eyes narrowed and began quivering, before settling at last into a determined glare.

"...Spike."

Spike was brushing his spines. He looked at Twilight, and one look told him all he needed to know.

"That bad, huh?"

"Worse." Twilight's breathing grew heavy and slow. "Go find Rainbow and tell her to gather the girls. Quickly," she said, swallowing. "Tell them all to meet up here at the castle in fifteen minutes."

Spike's face fell, and his stomach rumbled. "No breakfast, then..."

"Oh, right," said Twilight, with a flat, choked expression. "Make it the Café then. Fifteen minutes. Go!"

"Yes, ma'am!" shouted Spike, as he rushed outside.

Twilight turned back to the Princess's letter, and read its solemn words over and over, as the cold creeping tentacles of despair wound ever more tightly around her heart.

"At least we'll get one good meal before Equestria is finished," she whispered, closing her eyes and burying her head in her hooves.

The sun was fully above the horizon by the time the girls had finished their breakfast. The birdsong was clear, and the cool, humid wind was invigorating.

Twilight Sparkle looked around at the girls who represented the Elements of Harmony. She had been unusually quiet during their meal, and her friends' faces showed concern.

"So, Twilight," began Rainbow Dash. "Thanks for the grub and all, but why did you get us out of bed this early? Is something up?"

Twilight's head dropped, but, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she raised it again, standing up straight and tall. Her wings expanded behind her, and with the light wind caressing her mane as well, she looked every bit the part of an Equestrian princess.

"Girls," she began, as she gathered the courage to say what it was her duty to say. "We've been through a lot together. A lot of fun times, a lot of headaches, and even a few heartaches. But our friendship has always survived every threat, and we've always come out stronger in the end than we were in the beginning. Right now, I feel closer to you five than I ever have. I want you to know that I'm truly lucky and grateful to be your friends, and that no matter what happens to us, I will always cherish the times we've spent together."

An uncomfortable silence descended upon the group. Applejack was the first to break it.

"Darlin', that's sweet and all, and I think we all really appreciate ya sayin' that, and I know we all feel the same way about you... But what's goin' on, Twi? Anypony can see somethin's eatin' at ya."

"Yeah, just spit it out already!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash. "We're your friends, right? You just said it yourself! That means you can tell us anything—so get on with it!"

The others nodded approval.

"You're right," said Twilight. "Last night, an ancient, cursed prophecy came to pass, and the greatest evils of the world—Tirek, Discord, and Satan—have now merged into one."

"M-merged?" said Rarity, stunned. "My word, how did that—I mean—well... What does that mean?" Her moist eyes were wide, and she was leaning in.

"It means that, last night, in a dark ritual, those three evil beings combined their essences into one big, super-evil being," said Twilight, her voice shaking. "That being is called... Mega-Satan."

"M-Mega-Satan?" squeaked Fluttershy, hiding behind her hooves.

"MEGA-SATAN?" gasped Pinkie, as her jaw hit the dirt.

"Mega-Satan?" asked Spike, through a mouthful of leftovers.

"Mega-Satan!" shouted Mega-Satan, who had magically appeared just then. "That's right, ponies! My name is Mega-Satan!"

Then they all have a wicked cool battle with a lot of laser beams and floating castles and giant mecha kaijus, maybe a little time travel. It's way freaking gnarly. Celestia and Luna get involved, there's double agents and backstabbing, betrayal, sorrow, anguish, love, romance, and at least one pregnancy. A main character dies. An entire aerie of dragons descend upon a moated fort and just nuke the place, it's really awesome. Then at the end with help from Sunset Shimmer they find the magic of mega-friendship and WHIZ!—BANG!—ZOOM! they blow up Mega-Satan and send him back to Hell forever. Really great stuff, high level entertainment.

I don't want to actually write all that shit though. That sounds boring.