The Soldier Angers a Twilight

by Blazing Moonlight

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Princess Luna
Length: 1347

After the RED Team from TF2 gets sucked into the magical land of Equestria, Soldier angers Twilight.

The RED Engineer's cream gravy machine accidentally created an inter-dimensional portal that sucks the RED team into the land of Equestria! Will they get out of it? Will Spike actually date Rarity? And did i eat breakfast this morning? The answer to all three rhetorical questions is: Probably not. Watch as the hat-loving mercenaries of Teufort manage to get sucked into the land of four-hooved cartoon characters.
Warning: Contains gore and mild swearing, and probably racism from the Soldier

Published 2012-07-03 04:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-03 04:44:01 UTC

Dell's Yippity-Ha Cream Gravy Machine

The Soldier Angers a Twilight
By Blazing Moonlight

Chapter 1: Dell's Yippity-Ha Cream Gravy Machine

10:58am, Teufort, the All-Ruling America, 1968
The RED Medic looked back at his teammates. "Let's go, dummkopfs," he yelled at his teammates.
"Dah! Move!" The Heavy replied, already eager to show off his new Unusual Capo's Capper to his BLU counterpart.
"Mmm mmph!" The Pyro was using the new bubble thrower that he was given a few days ago by Miss Pauling. He was sure that his own counterpart didn't have it yet.
The countdown started.
"5!"
"4!"
"3!"
"2!"
"1!"
The siren sounded. The respawn room's gate opened and they charged out. The Scout ran off to the sewers, while the Sniper, ahum, 'filled up' his Jarate jars. Meanwhile, the Engineer started to set up his little nest in the basement. While he did, he heard some irregular footsteps just out of the intel room. He swung around, thinking the BLU Spy was somehow, already there.
"Darn them cheaters," he muttered.
Instead, the RED Demoman was there.
"Tavish, shouldn't you be blowin' up that damned copycat's Sentry?" He asked, confused that the drunken man wasn't at the battlements.
"Said and done mate! The Heavy reduced it to rubble just thirteh' sec- *snore*- Eh? What? Oh yeah. As i was saying, he destroyed it about three minutes ago." He answered, almost falling down due to his broken depth perception.
"So," he continued, "i came down to help ye'. Watch this." He planted a stickybomb under each of the Engineer's buildings, then another one under the intel. "Don't worry laddie, it won't blow up anything part from t'at bloodeh spy!"
They heard more footsteps. The Sniper came down, holding his Huntsman.
"Git ready mates, incomin' enemy Medic." He said briefly, before aiming the bow at the hallway he came from. As they saw a small-sized, grinning head come around the corner, they instantly fired. Bullets, an arrow and a grenade to to the head is not good for your health, so the Heavy went down. They could hear rapidly fading footsteps. The danger of them finding... Things involving BLU Scout's mother was over.

*****************************************

It was a flawless victory, thanks to the Pyro's handy airblasting. As their party started to end, the Engineer had a new invention to show.
"I know you fellas probably won't find this here beauty interestin', but it took me a month and a half to make this. Fellas, I present to you... Dell's Yippity-Ha Cream Gravy Machine!" He announced. He got the attention of everyone apart from the Spy, who was smoking on the rooftop.
"So uh... does it do, Hardhat?" The Scout asked, who was curious enough as if it was as good as the Dispenser.
"It makes some dee-licious food from some scrap metal! We won't ever have to cook again!" He answered proudly.
"Eet makes Sandvich?" The Heavy asked. A Sandvich popped out from the bottom end of the machine.
"Smmmph?" A steak popped out.
"Bonk?" A can of Bonk! Atomic Punch popped out.
"Ribs?" Beef ribs popped out.
"Dat, is SO cool." The Scout exclaimed, who had already drank half of the can.
"Indeed." The mercenaries were surprised to actually see the Spy complimenting the Engineer.
Suddenly though, the machine spat out a scroll.
The Scout went over to it and unrolled it. It said:
Dear Princess Celestia,
Everything is going fine in Ponyville. Trixie came back from wherever she went and I'm surprised to say she matured. She didn't boast this time, did some things that excited the foals, and actually said sorry to me!
I know this is a short letter, but much hasn't gone on since Shining and Cadence's wedding. I guess the lesson learnt is that ponies change over time.
Your ever faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
"What the hell is this?" He rhetorically asked, as he chucked it to the Engineer.
"Well, I'll be darned. This shouldn't a' happened.' he frowned as he read it. "I ain't heard of a princess called Celestia, or of Ponyville. Maybe it found something from an alternate universe. I wouldn't be surprised." The scroll was passed around. As the Pyro read it, he didn't frown but jumped for joy.
"Mmmmph! Immmph mph Bmmmph! Immmph kmmmph whammmph mmmph mph mmmph!" He yelled in his muffled way, and instantly hit the building with his Homewrecker.
"Pyro, what do think you're- WaaaHHHH!" The Medic yelled in shock as the team got sucked into a vortex.

***************************

Princess Celestia frowned thoughtfully as she waited for Twilight's letter. "She would have sent it by now. Hmmmm," she muttered, as Princess Luna came into Celestia's quarters.
"What's wrong, sis?" Luna asked as Celestia turned to face her.
"Usually Twilight's sent her weekly friendship report to me by now, but I haven't gotten it yet." She answered as she turned away once again.
"You can't expect her to send it every week. Maybe she- WOOOOAH!" she exclaimed as she fell off the balcony she was standing on her. Just managing to fly above the ground in time, she came back up as she saw nine disorientated- CENTAURS? She hadn't seen one of them for millenia- that were where she was before. One had pegasi wings.
Centaurs don't have wings. She thought. What's going o- as the biggest one of them all, suddenly roared in pain as he was buried underneath the other eight.
"Eh? Wha?" The pure black one exclaimed as he held a bottle of alcohol.
"Excuse me, but what are you doing in my private quarters?" Celestia asked politely, as one dressed in a three-piece suit, a balaclava and a fedora got up. He had a cigarette in his mouth as he said, "Oh, merde."
"Woah woah woah, where the hell are we?" The pegasi-centaur asked as he too, got up. he was wearing a boombox- Urgh, those were out of fashion two millenia ago- a mask that covered the upper half of his face and a baseball helmet painted black.
"You are in Equestria." Luna said gently as she helped a masked centaur up, who was wearing a miniature alien toy on his head.
Strange. I suspect this one is probably a bit out of mind. She thought as the centaur did an exciting-sounded squeak as he hugged her then hugged Celestia.
"Mmmph! Allmmmph whmmmph tmmmph mmmph Pmmmph! Whhhmmm Flmmmpshmmmph?" This string of muffled words came out as Celestia laughed softly.
"I guess he- You are a he, correct?" She asked as the centaur nodded. "Correct. Alright, as I was saying, you've wanted to meet us for a while, haven't you?" She continued.
"Mmmmph!" He nodded.
"And you said something about "Where's Fluttershy"?" She asked again.
"Mmmph!" Another nod.
"Hmmmmmm," she rubbed her mane with a hoove as she said: "Come with me then. I'll take you to Ponyville."
"Mmmph! Thmmmph ymmph!" His excited, muffled voice came out as she led him downstairs.
"Ah should probably go with them, Luna, was it?" Said the Engineer.
"Yes." Came Luna's answer.
"Medic and Spah, you take care of the other five. Ah'll be back later." Said the Engineer.
Reminds me of Twilight Sparkle's friend Applejack. I'll get them to meet each other later. She thought as the Soldier screamed "Hippieland! AaaaHHHHH!"
"You dummkopf, settle down!" Came the Medic's ordering voice.
Wait... These people... are they from... that video game I love? Team Fortress? Luna thought.
"Video game? Ve are real!"
"You can... read my mind?" Said a shocked Luna.
"No, you said it aloud." The Medic replied.
"Do you know a place called Gorge?" Asked Luna.
The Medic nodded stiffly.

As the sun set, Luna let out a fangirl squeal.

That's my first chapter! Kinda short but y'know, I wanna make sure it can be read within a busy schedule. Might get longer as the fic goes though.
In the next chapter; Fluttershy meets the Pyro, Luna asks a barrage of questions, the Engineer meets Applejack, and the Soldier ironically, gets sent to live with Twilight Sparkle.
See y'all next time!
- Blazing Moonlight