"Can I Kill Anon?"

by Essay Jay

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Human, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Princess Luna, Comedy, Random
Length: 1747

Luna thinks killing You is a good idea, and the Royal Sisters argue about your murder. Oddly enough, You don't like the idea.

When Luna and Celestia visit Anon's house to check up on him, Luna has the bright idea of wanting to kill Anon. Obviously, Anon has no input in between their arguments and is completely ignored as they discuss Anon's murder.

Published 2016-12-28 14:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-12-28 14:20:01 UTC

So... Can I?

“Can I kill Anon?” Luna asked sincerely.

Celestia turned around to raise an eyebrow at her sister. “What?”

“I said ‘Can I kill Anon’?”

“You can’t just kill the only human in Equestria, sister,” Celestia said in confusion. “Why would you bring this up now?”

“There’s no better time than now,” Luna whispered.

“Well, we are in the middle of a talk with Anon so that makes sense but I’m asking why?” Celestia muttered back to her sister.

You looked between the two of them before facepalming and throwing your hands up in the air. “I’m right here, you know!” You yelled in annoyance.

“Well, Anon’s getting kind of annoying and there are so many stories popping up around Anon nowadays I just really want to kill him.”

“Hey!” You shouted but they ignored You.

“The tabloids aren’t exactly what you should be reading to get caught up on Equestrian culture, Luna,” Celestia chided and Luna blushed. “Though I must say, some of those stories are pretty far fetched.”

You and Luna turned to look at Celestia. Her cheeks now turned a shade pink, but on her white coat it stuck out like a sore thumb. “Just because I’m Princess of the nation, doesn’t mean I can’t read some juicy stories,” Celestia mumbled.

After a bit of baffled silence, Luna continues. “Well, in any case, I want to kill Anon.”

You sigh before facepalming again. Sisters, you think to yourself. “If you’re going to go around killing me, maybe you shouldn’t discuss it right in front of me,” You told Luna and she looked at You with a glare.

“Stay out of this,” Luna said to You and You put a hand to your chest in offense.

“Well excuse me.” You leaned back a little as you wagged your finger. Too bad they returned to completely ignoring You.

“Come on, Celly, just one stab with my Royal Scepter to his heart!” Luna pouted.

“Using that nickname will not earn you favours,” Celestia humphed as she turned her back. “And as I said before, you can’t just kill the only Human in Equestria. There would be a public uprising, which means we would be obliterated by writers until we’re actually dead.”

“You know, if publishers were to slander your image, it would be through memes and embarrassing moments, right?” you said, adding your input but something else took the attention of the three of you.

“Don’t you think that’s a bit meta?” a voice called before giggles could be heard. For a second, everyone tried to see where the voice had come from before you all realized who it must’ve been.

“Okay… but It doesn’t matter what the public wants, what matters is what I want!” Luna said before whining.

“Stop acting like the annoying little sister you are and start acting like a Princess,” Celestia lectured and Princess Luna sat down, crossing her hooves.

“But I don’t wanna!” Luna cried in defiance, pointing her snout in the air to make herself look like a crying toddler.

“You better learn to!” Celestia decreed and Luna turned her head in defiance.

You stared at what was happening in front of You and sighed again. It seems there was an insatiable amount of sighs for You today. “Princesses, I thought we were discussing about my relationship with the rest of Ponyville and Equestria,” You said with an even tone. Princess Luna then hissed at you and you flinched back a little, before Princess Celestia rubbed her temples.

“I am sorry, Anon. So…” Celestia paused for a bit before giving a sheepish smile. “It looks like we already discussed some things, such as stories of your misadventures reaching the tabloids.”

“And how one of the diarchy apparently wants to murder me where I stand,” You said, and Celestia smacked Luna upside, smirking.

“Ow!” Luna complained as she got back up to all four hooves. “It’s not my fault Anon’s annoying!”

“That’s not an excuse to get to kill me,” You muttered.

“See? See what I mean? Anon’s annoying!” Luna jabbed a hoof in Your direction, facing Celestia expectantly to see her reaction. You also turned to Celestia, knowing she would set things right.

“Okay, so maybe Anon is a tad annoying,” Celestia started.

“Wha-?!” You began to say incredulously but was cut off by Celestia continuing.

“But I, along with all of Equestria, stand by the fact that you cannot just kill Anon!”

“Come on, please?” Luna begged and Celestia rolled her eyes.

“No, sister,” Celestia replied nonchalantly and Luna folded her ears back before putting her hooves together in a worshipful fashion.

“Not even for my birthday?” Luna pleaded, now somehow in a chibi form and with tears rolling down her eyes. Oh damn, that’s cute! You thought, now fearing Celestia might fall to the dreaded ‘Look’.

You see Celestia trying to fight the effects of Luna’s cuteness, and you see in her eyes she might actually be considering it. After an intense staredown, with Luna looking up tearfully and Celestia hardening her gaze, it finally ends. “...No. Sorry, Luna. It can’t happen.”

With a defeated look, Luna, still in her chibi form, begins to sulk away, and You sighed with defeat. Though the ‘Look’ may not have worked on Celestia, it definitely worked on you. “Princess Luna, wait.”

Luna turned around with the most heart-wrenching look in her eyes and the most adorable pout you had ever seen… even more than Fluttershy, which should have been impossible. “...You can have a stab at me if you want…” You grumble, knowing you’re going to die right on the spot without saying goodbye to your other friends.

Suddenly, the unexpected happened. Luna reverted back to normal and glomped onto You, cheerfully yelling in glee. “Thank you, my dear Anon! I love you so much!” she smiled, pulling a goliath-sized battle axe from nowhere. You close Your eyes, now accepting Your inevitable and completely voluntary fate. Before you did, however, you could see Celestia’s shocked expression as the only Human in Equestria was about to be sliced and diced right in front of her… By her sister no less. As you raised your arm in useless defense and Luna was mid-swing, she paused, eyes wide.

“A-Anon…” she whispered, eyes twinkling. “I… love you…”

Oh dear god, no! You shouted in your head as you see the cogs turning in Luna’s mind. You quickly scrambled to your feet and began to run away, before she could kill you or do anything… anything else drastic.

“ANON! GET BACK HERE! I LOVE YOU!” Luna screamed and you bolted for your life out of your house, slamming the door shut behind you, and into the streets of Ponyville.

“Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit FUCK!” You yelled, flailing your arms before leaving anything you ever had behind. Emotional luggage and all that was forgotten as you began to sprint away from the sudden madhouse that was your home. Risking a glance back, you see the door to your house explode outward and a now crazed Luna with hearts in her eyes stepped out.

“ANON! WHERE ARE YOU!?!” Luna cried as she took to the skies. Celestia came up behind her and tried to reason with her.

“Luna! This is hardly the logical course for action, and we came here intent on not having any trouble this time-” Celestia tried to argue but was put to sleep by Luna with a powerful spell. Celestia crashed, snoring, into the Castle of Friendship where Twilight was startled away from her studies.

“Rainbow, what did I say about-?!” Twilight widened her eyes to see who it was. “...I really need to get out more…” she whispered, closing her eyes and rubbing her temples. “It’s just a dream, wake up Twilight, come on, just a dream…”

Meanwhile, back in the chaos of Your own peril and well-being, You continue to shout obscenities and profanity as Luna chases you. She spotted You running away, and after having defeated Celestia, You were even more determined to run away.

“ANOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!” Luna started to scream as she flew closely behind you.

“OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-!” You scream when, suddenly, you get the greatest idea of going to Sugarcube Corner.

“PINKIEEEEEE!” You yell as you zip uncontrollably through the doorway, into the front counter, and into the kitchen. Pinkie looks amusedly at you, grinning wildly.

“Hi, Anon! Nice of you to crash by my place! What do you need?” Pinkie punned.

“Pinkie, I need your help. Give me a disguise, hide me, do anything to get me away from Luna!” You scream, shaking Pinkie who is unfazed by the action.

You suddenly found a Groucho disguise on your face and as well as a fedora. “Pinkie, this is no time for games! I really need-!” You began to say as were about to take off the glasses but Luna barged into the store, leaving you to stand nervously beside Pinkie.

Luna rushed to the counter. “Pinkie, do you, perchance, know where Anon went?” she asked hastily, eyeing you suspiciously before turning her full attention to Pinkie. You released a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“No, but I do know you seem to be in need of some of my Lovey Dovey Delights!” Pinkie exclaimed, hoofing over a bag of cupcakes with a big red heart on it.

“Oh, why thank you, Pinkamena! But please, do tell if you have seen my dear Anon!”

“Will do!” Pinkie waved goodbye as Luna continued her searching.

“ANON! I HAVE A PEACE OFFERING!” Luna shouted, before flying away.

After You were certain she was gone, you gave what was possibly the biggest sigh of relief you had had in your time in Equestria yet. Crushing Pinkie in a hug, you cried. “Oh my god, thank you Pinkie! You’ve saved my life!”

“No problemo, Anon-o!” Pinkie said as she returned the hug in equal strength.

Wiping the tears from your eyes, you stepped out of Sugarcube Corner only to be snatched up in Luna’s expectant hooves.

“Thank you, Pinkie, for telling me where he was!”

“Your welcome, Princess!” Pinkie waved as she cackled evilly.

“PINKIE! NO!” You yell before Luna begins to carry you to Canterlot.

“I love you to the depths of my heart, Anon,” Luna began to say, “And you will be my squishie!”

With one last tear falling from your eyes, you scream the only thing you can, watching Ponyville fade away.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-”