Author's Note
Just a quick heads up - this seems to be a hit or miss for most people, so be prepared going into it.
Umm.... No
I quickly slammed my front door in the colorful pony's face and locked it.
There were a few moments of silence before she spoke up from the other side of the door, "Wow, I didn't think you'd be so surprised! I mean, I knew that you were gonna be a little surprised since the coolest pony in all of Equestria was asking you out, but still."
I didn't utter any noise in response. I was so dumbfounded that a pony in this strange fucking world, who I had finally warmed up to as a friend, just showed up to my door and asked me out. Firstly, and most importantly, I'm not attracted to sentient small horses, or really any type of species other than humans. And secondly, I'd only been stuck here for about a month without a way home, so romantic relationships were the least of my concerns.
Rainbow spoke up, stopping my thoughts. "Well, I see that you're gonna need some time to get over the fact that the one and only Rainbow Dash is finally returning your feelings for her. So I'll give you some time to compose yourself."
Following her words, I could hear an explosion of air coming from the opposite side of the door, signaling that the pegasus had left.
"Shit," was all I muttered before stepping away from the door and moving towards my fridge. I needed something to drink.
Shortly after my little encounter with Rainbow, and after I finished off a bottle of booze, I felt that I needed to do something to get my mind off of the whole romance thing with a sapient pony. God, that sounds so fucking weird!
Anyway, I planned to get my mind off of the situation by going to the Ponyville market to pick up some more "Applejacks" as I called them, from none other than Applejack's stand. They were alcoholic drinks made with apples that gave it that good taste.
But, I never liked to go out in public before showering and putting on a decent outfit, so I made sure to do just that before heading out.
Once ready, I exited out my front door, and standing right before me was a pony with the smuggest grin I'd ever seen. It was also the last pony I wanted to see right now.
"Wow!" the colorful pegasus said with eyes looking me up and down. "I always knew stallions were self-conscious about the way they looked when they were around their marefriend, but aren't you overdoing it just a little," Rainbow continued with a small chuckle.
Alright, this shit needs to end now.
"Rainbow..." I started, "I..." A hoof was put over my mouth, halting my words.
She looked at me with a small smile before speaking. "Trust me, I know you must feel like you don't deserve a marefriend as cool as me, but believe me, I think you're pretty awesome too. You and me, we make up the coolest duo in all of Equestria!"
I tried speaking up, but was once again stopped.
"Shhhh. I know I'm..."
"I DON'T LOVE YOU!" I shouted, slapping her hoof away from my face.
After my outburst, the air immediately became thicker than anything I'd ever experienced. The silence that also fell wasn't helping.
The colored pegasus just stared at me with a confused gander. I wasn't sure how she was going to react but I was worried that she was going to get violent. However, a few moments later I got my answer.
Rainbow's face finally lit up and exploded into a fit of laughter. She didn't stop for what seemed a lot longer than need be. But, finally she stopped and "elbowed" me with her hoof. "Good one James! You had me going for a..."
"No really. I'm not attracted to ponies." I plainly stated, trying to get the point across.
Her always cheery and cocky expression vanished. She looked like she was about to break down, but she somehow composed herself before looking at me with a determined glance. She just gazed at me for a while longer before speaking up. "So you're gonna play hard to get?" she asked with a small and hopeful grin.
"NO!" I shouted. "I'm not interested in dating you or any other pony ever!"
Her face immediately scrunched up into a sort of pout. Even though I didn't find ponies to be attractive, damn were they adorable. Then, for the first time since coming here, I watched as Rainbow failed to control her emotions. Her pout broke broke into a barely contained fit of tears. She tried to hold back any evidence of her heartache but failed miserably, as tears began streaming down her face. I felt like a complete asshole watching a proud, colorful pony cry because of me.
"Rainbow..." I began. But as soon as I uttered those words, she blasted off at the speed of sound.
I just watched from the front of my house as Rainbow's flight trail quickly disappeared in the distance. I felt awful, but I knew it was better than leading her on about us having some kind of a romantic relationship. I mean, that would just be crazy!
Anyways, once Rainbow's trail was gone, my gaze left the empty blue above and landed back on the streets of Ponyville. And what I saw around me was not a comforting sight. Multiple ponies were just staring at me, either with a shocked or pissed expression. I wonder if they'd been there the whole time and saw everything. If so, it made me feel even worse.
I pondered whether I should've gone back into my house and basically hidden from all of Ponyville for the next day, but I still needed to get some of those "Applejacks." So, I made the rational decision of going to the Ponyville market to buy some alcohol. I just hoped that the news about what had happened between Rainbow and me hadn't spread around the town too quickly.
"Shit," I made the wrong call. I guess news did travel pretty quick here. Everywhere I looked, ponies were scolding me, all for the same reason. I even had someone "Boo" me, which was a new one. Thankfully though, it didn't take too long for me to finally make it to the Ponyville market, and more importantly, Applejack's stand.
I could feel the saliva building in my mouth just at the thought of the alcoholic beverages, which would hopefully get my mind of everything that was going on today. As I approached the familiar farm pony, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the appropriate bits to buy about 10 bottles, because I was really going to need a few after the way today has been going.
"Hey Applejack, could I buy..."
"You ain't buying nothin from me." she interrupted in a furious tone.
"What?! But the liquor!" I exclaimed, pointing to the selection of delicious "Applejacks" that were covering the stand.
"After what you did to Rainbow, you should be happy that I ain't kicking your tail right here in the middle of the market. I never would've even considered hitting a stallion, but I almost made an exception for you," Applejack said while showing her clenched teeth.
I don't know why all of these ponies are mad at me for shooting down Rainbow. I mean, not giving me my liquor because I turned someone down is pretty ridiculous.
"Why are you so upset with me?" I asked Applejack.
She was completely taken back by my response, as if it was the dumbest thing she'd ever heard. "Are you kidding! You made the bravest and most proud pony I'd ever met break down in tears. I only saw her cry one other time, and it was over something a lot more important than you."
Ouch.
I held up my hands in defense. "I see you're quite upset so I'll just leave you until you calm down a bit."
As I walked away, I could've sworn that I heard a snarl come from Applejack's direction. I just hoped she’d let me buy her liquor again in the future or else I'd be screwed.
The walk back home was, as expected, uncomfortable. Except this time, I got even more stares from ponies. It also seemed like there were more of them along my path, which was concerning. However, after a long and uncomfortable trek, I finally reached home. Unfortunately, when I gazed upon my house, there were five ponies blocking my door: Applejack, Twilight, Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. I knew them all too well as they all helped me get settled in to Ponyville when I first arrived. However, rather than the joyful faces that I was accustomed to, the glares of anger plagued them too.
I stood a couple feet away from them and noticed that a large crowd of ponies was gathering around us in a circle formation. I felt like I was about to get jumped. Then, I noticed that the lavender alicorn was about to speak, but rather than hearing about how I made Rainbow Dash cry, I simply pushed her aside, walked into my house and locked the door behind me.
That was a lot easier than it should've been.
Once inside, I immediately looked out my windows to see the huge group of ponies baffled by my actions. They stood still for a few more moments, looking at each other in bewilderment. Then, the large group of ponies who had gathered, began leaving. They seemed easily defeated which I was thankful for. Soon, most of the herd had dispersed, leaving the five stubborn ponies at my doorstep.
With me not having made any plans to talk with Twilight or the rest of them, I camped out in my house until they left. The lavender unicorn made numerous efforts to get my attention, either by knocking furiously at my door or by shouting my name. Although, her actions were in vain, because I was not coming out of the safety of my home.
After almost an hour had passed, the defeat was evidenced on the five ponies’ faces. Thankfully, they slowly trotted off, staring daggers at me through my window.
“What the hell happened today!” I said turning away from the glass pane. It looked like I had tarnished every decent relationship by simply rejecting someone for having feelings for me. None of this even remotely made sense, yet I felt awful. I knew that it was going to be a rough night of sleep
And man is that an understatement. It was the worst night of sleep I’d ever had, mostly because I never even fell asleep. Not only could I not get the events of the day out of my head, but for some reason, I feared that one of the ponies were going to break into my house. Completely irrational, I know, but there’s been so many strange things happening today, that I wouldn’t be surprised if someone had tried killing me at this point.
The next morning, I felt groggy and close to death. A lot of stress and a complete lack of sleep will do that to you. But fortunately, I had a plan to resurrect myself: coffee. The idea of a nice brew gave me a little hope for the day. But, apparently, Satan himself had it out for me too; because, when I made my way to the kitchen, I noticed that I had apparently ran out of coffee grains. I felt the bit of hope that I had wither away like someone stomping on a little kid’s sand castle.
However, my self-pity was quickly interrupted by the sound of sudden thumps against the door. Great…
I looked through my window, expecting a huge mob equipped with torches and pitchforks to be outside, but instead I saw a lone lavender alicorn standing at the door.
Although I knew Twilight wasn’t happy with me, she was the most level-headed pony I could probably talk to about what the hell’s been going on. Taking a deep breath, I walked over to the door.
I flung it open and greeted Twilight with a joyous smile, “What the fuck do you want?”
She paused a moment and then spoke, not acknowledging my greeting. “Well, I came here alone to talk to you about what you did.”
What I did? She said it like a parent who’s having a talk with their six-year-old child about how stabbing Jimmy on the playground is not a good thing to do.
It didn't bother me too much though. Afterall, I did want to hear her take on what’s been going on recently because I sure as hell had no idea what'd been happening. So I nodded, urging her to continue.
“Well as you experienced yesterday, many ponies are not happy with you.”
“Yeah, but why?” I asked.
“Well, news spread yesterday about you yelling at Rainbow when she revealed her feelings for you.”
“I guess that did happen, but that doesn’t explain why everyone in this damn town scolded me all day. It’s not like it’s any of their business.”
Twilight took a deep breath before stating, “Except it is.”
“How so?” I asked with a bit of confusion.
“Well,” she began, “Rainbow is a high-class member of Equestrian society. Not only is she a Wonderbolt and a weather manager, but also an element of harmony. Which means she needs to be 100% composed all of the time to be able to perform her duties. Fortunately, with Rainbow’s personality, she always has the confidence to perform those duties, whether it's keeping the weather from getting out of control or aiding the other elements in protecting all of Equestria." She paused a moment, as if for dramatic effect. "However, that built-in confidence was shattered yesterday when you turned her down. Rainbow had been asking so many ponies around town for romantic advice all month. She was so nervous that you'd say 'No,' but much of the town knew about her interest in you and urged her to ask you anyway. Nopony expected your outburst, especially not Rainbow, who took it very harshly. So now, Rainbow's mental and emotional state is on the fritz which means she won't be able to function as a Wonderbolt, weather manager or element of harmony until she recovers."
I guess it made sense. The whole explanation was a little too complex for my tastes, but I could understand why some of the ponies were upset with me.
"Alright," I said, "So all you guys have to do is just wait it out until she recovers. Give her some time and she'll be right back in the spirit of things."
Maybe that's what I needed too, some time. Wait, Twilight doesn't look like she agrees with my 'Wait-Out-Rainbow's-Emotional-Breakdown Plan.
"Well," Twilight began, "Rainbow rarely ever has her emotions stirred up like this. The closest she's ever gotten to being this upset was over the fact that her pet turtle had to hibernate, which is unbelievably small in contrast to having your heart broken. Especially, when you have as big of an ego as Rainbow's."
"So...?" I asked.
"So... the time that Rainbow took to get over the fact that her pet turtle was hibernating took three weeks! During those three weeks the weather was a disaster, leaving many fruitless harvests and a food pandemic in Ponyville. Thankfully, Ponyville wasn't attacked by any creatures that required the elements of harmony or else we wouldn't have stood a chance. However, this time, I believe Rainbow's broken heart could take months to heal! Which would not only cause utter chaos for Ponyville's weather, but would also leave all of Equestria vulnerable to an attack."
"Oh." I said, finally understanding the concern. Once again, the explanation seemed like a lot for just breaking someone's heart, but I couldn't really argue with the princess who had lived here her whole life. It's obvious that she'd probably know more than me, the human who's been here for a month.
"Well, what do you plan to do about it?" Twilight inquired.
"Me?" I asked, pointing a finger at myself while looking behind me to see if she was talking to someone else.
"Yes you," she said, jabbing a hoof into my stomach.
I didn't really know what she expected me to say that I'd do. "Well, I was just going to wait and let the Princess of Friendship sort this whole thing out." I said to her with a light smile on my face.
"Oh no no no! You're going to fix this and you're going to get Rainbow back to her normal self before anything bad happens," she said while jamming a hoof into my stomach every time she said you, making it clear that she was addressing me.
Considering that she was an alicorn and a figure of royalty, I felt that I could humor Twilight for a bit.
"Ok. And how would you expect me to fix this?" I asked.
"Easy. Just return the feelings Rainbow has for you."
Once her words finally made their way into my brain, I exploded into a fit of laughter. I cackled and clenched my stomach with my hand and bent over, unable to control my joyous fit. I actually came close to falling on the ground. I couldn't believe that she actually thought that I would just say "ok" and love Rainbow Dash because she wanted me to. "You can't... be serious!" I said through gasps of laughter. Twilight didn't say a word. Instead, she just gave me a wicked stare as my fit continued.
"Or, I could make you return her feelings," Twilight said with an icy voice and an even colder stare.
My laughter immediately died in its place at her words. "W-What do you mean?" I quickly asked with obvious concern.
"Well, I could use this horn," she said with a hoof pointing at the magical limb on her head, "to control your mind and make you love her," she continued with a malevolent grin splaying across her face. "I think Princess Celestia would understand."
The sheer wickedness from Twilight's voice sent shivers down my spine. I'd never seen her, or really any other creature here, look and sound so threatening. I couldn't believe she was actually terrorizing me by saying that she would control my mind and take my free will to love a pony. That was fucked up on so many levels.
Apparently, my face had fear slathered all over it, because Twilight quickly used it to her advantage. "Or," she began, causing me to look at her, "we could have a little competition."
With the fear of possibly having my mind controlled, I quickly took her bait. "What kind of competition?" I asked.
"Well, more of an old tradition. A few hundred years back, when ponies weren't as civilized as they are today, mares needed a way to get the few stallions available at the time, to consent to be theirs. They did so with a little challenge between a mare and stallion that gave both parties a chance of success. The tradition often took up an entire day and was seen to be a very fun experience, for the mares anyway..."
"What was that?"
"Oh nothing." Twilight quickly said. "Anyways, both the stallion and mare would begin at the center of town. The stallion would be given a five minute head start to run and/or hide."
"Ok?" I responded, a bit unsure what direction this would go.
"And once the stallion's five minute head start was up, the mare would have 12 hours - sunrise to sunset - to find and claim the stallion. If she didn't find and claim the stallion within 12 hours, he was free. However, if she did find and claim him, the stallion would be hers. Simple enough right?"
Uhh. That's one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard of. She can't be serious, can she? She looked so serious! But, there's no way in hell I'd ever put my free will in jeopardy like that, plus Rainbow Dash is one of the fastest and best athletes in this entire world apparently. I wouldn't stand a chance.
"And if I was to refuse to participate?" I asked.
"Well there's always plan B," she said, motioning to her horn.
Fuck.
"I don't know why or how I got wrapped up in this shit," I said to myself as I laid in bed with my eyes on the ceiling. When did things go so wrong?!
Today, was the day after Twilight had coerced me into participating in some old and strange pony tradition. And today was the same day that Twilight said that the traditional "competition" would take place. My own free will was going to be put on the line and there was nothing I could do about it. I was pissed and scared of Twilight. She had once been a good friend, but had somehow become my tormentor.
In any case, Twilight had already told Rainbow and the rest of the town about the event. Apparently, all of the ponies were planning on watching the spectacle from their rooftops which only gave me more anxiety for the hours to come.
I gazed over at my clock, trying to see how much time I had until I was no longer a free man. "10:42" it read. Shit, only a bit over an hour before I was no longer technically a free man.
And trust me, I would have escaped if it wasn't for the magical barrier that Twilight had put over my house before leaving yesterday. I guess she was smart enough to recognize that I'd try to get as far away from this place as possible. So she placed some sort of magical barricade over my home. Unfortunately, because of it, I was't going anywhere until Twilight returned to get me for the event. All I could do was wait until the hours ticked away.
So there I was, laying in bed and listening to the clock as my last minutes as a free man ticked away, helpless to it all. The only other sound in the entire house arrived at "11:30," when I heard a knock at the door. I begrudgingly made my out of bed and to the front door. Taking a deep breath, I opened it and saw my tormentor standing at my front door beyond the magical barrier.
"Hi James," Twilight said with a cheerful expression. She looked like a polar opposite to the hellish version of herself that I had experienced yesterday.
I let the silence after her greeting linger for a little bit before responding, "Hey."
"Are you ready for today's big event?" she asked with a grin that I wanted to punch right off of her smug face.
"Actually no. I'm feeling kind of sick so I think I'm gonna have to take a rain check, but I appreciate you checking up on me," I said before turning to go back inside.
"You know you're not going to get out of this that easy, right?" she asked with a devious expression, halting my return back inside.
Yeah, I knew. "Yeah, I know."
"Well then, no reason to keep you locked up in your house any longer," she said as her horn glowed with an aura that dissolved the magical barrier around my house. "Now if you would, follow me. We're going to go set up for the event." she said with a joyous voice.
God, I hated Twilight! She looked like she was taking pleasure out of my misery, and it made me furious.
Anyways, I followed her through the town. And as we walked, I saw a strange sight. There were numerous ponies sitting on their roofs as we passed by. It was quite obvious that they had planned to watch the old traditional event that I was going to take part in. They were set up with lawn chairs, popcorn, etc. It made me feel like I was part of some un-glorified roman spectacle.
But finally, after a long and uncomfortable trek through Ponyville, Twilight stopped at the center of town, near the Mayor's building.
She told me to "Stay right here," before she made her way into the building. Once she left, my eyes shifted to every one of the town's rooftops I could find, and my god there were a lot of spectators! It seemed that the whole town had prepared themselves to watch me struggle for my freedom.
I spent a couple of moments waiting for Twilight by gazing around the city's empty streets and overcrowded rooftops. I'd never seen the town like this before, and it was a strange sight to behold. However, my view of the town was cut short when my gaze went to the sound of the Mayor's building front door swinging open. Twilight walked out, but not alone. Beside her was the one whose fault this all was, Rainbow.
I was still upset with myself for causing so much distraught to the pegasus mare the other day, but at the same time, my own anger with the situation kept my pity for her at bay.
In any case, once Rainbow and I made eye contact, she flashed her familiar cocky expression at me. She didn't look like anything had happened to her since yesterday. She was still the same boastful mare that everyone was accustomed to. Then, she flew towards my direction, making sure to do a back flip before landing.
"Well," Rainbow said upon touching down, "I had a feeling you would play hard to get. You could've just said that you wanted me to beat you in a competition before we started to go out. That way we wouldn't have wasted so much time and also destroyed your pride in the process," she finished with her arrogant smirk.
I just rolled my eyes in annoyance at the conceited pegasus.
Twilight joined the both of us, preparing to speak once she was at Rainbow's side. "I've already informed both of you of the rules so there's no need to go over them again. But, I would like to wish you both the best of luck in winning, even if this competition is a bit one-sided."
"Wait, what?" I quickly asked. "You told me that both parties have an equal chance of winning!"
"No," Twilight began, "I said that each party has a chance of winning, not an equal chance."
Fuck.
"So, are you both ready? It'll be noon in ten minutes, so you," Twilight said with a hoof pointed at me, "only have five minutes until the beginning of your head start."
"I'm ready!" Rainbow said, licking her lips like a lion who just spotted its prey.
"And you, James?" Twilight asked.
"I just had a quick question before we started." I responded.
"Sure, go ahead."
"How far can I go?" I asked. The question had been bothering me for a while ever since I had woken up and begun coming up with a strategy to win.
Twilight put a hoof to her chin, trying to recall the rule for that. "I guess however far you want," she finally said.
Good.
